Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Well, how-dee everyone. Where the hell have I been? Working, I tell you. Working! Working so much that my time at Papa John's is starting to infect my dreams. For instance, this one dream I had went like this: I was working with this other guy, Steve, and we were taking pizzas off the oven. He accidentally drops a pizza on the ground and says, "Man, I feel like such a motard." I laughed for about 20 minutes (or so it felt in my dream). And, when I woke up, I still found myself laughing when I'd say "motard." Now, I don't approve of this popular vernacular that uses "gay" or "homo" to mean something stupid, nor do I think it's right to call something "retarded." But you've gotta admit, when you combine the two together, that's funny stuff right there.

Speaking of delivering pizzas, I've got the driver's tan on my left arm and the delivery man's bicep on my right arm. I think we all know the driver's tan that, when you take your shirt off, makes half your left arm look like it's burnt toast, but I think I'm the first to coin the (soon to be popular) phrase "delivery man's bicep." If you're looking for a great workout (for your arms), you can do the following exercise daily: When delivering a pizza, place 2-3 two liter sodas in a plastic bag. Once having a secure grasp on the bag, balance 3-7 pizzas on the palm of your hand. The trip from your car to the front door is enough to ensure a noticeably larger bicep on whichever hand you use to hold the sodas and pizzas. Bottom line: me with my shirt off (while normally a detesting image) is now just weird.

And how many times has this happened to you? You order a pizza but, oh no! How much are you going to tip the driver??? This question has plagued customers for all too long. Well, maybe not all customers, namely the ones that expect me to carry exact change around with me. But, to put all your woes to rest, I have devised:
BRIAN'S 2 DOLLAR TIP SYSTEM
1. Place your order
2. Note the time you have finished placing your order
3. Start with a bank of $10
4. For every 10 minutes that pass from your order time, remove a maximum of $2 from your bank
5. When the driver gets there, you will have your tip
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Brian, you are insane!" But no, not really. Cause see, here's the thing. On slow days, I really take pride in the fact that I can get pizzas to people a mere 15 minutes after they order. That's amazing. How many people can say they've had super amazing service like that? Not many. So I expect to get tipped well for my super amazing service. But what are the chances of that happening? Not very good. Usually it takes more like 35-45 minutes. In which case the tip will be $2-$4 dollars. And that's quite an acceptable tip.

Shit. My job is consuming everything. This whole entry has been about work related stuff. That's sad. I really need to move on to something else.

So I was delivering pizzas the other day, and I was surrounded by idiots. Don't believe me? You soon will. I was waiting at this red light, and the person in front of my had a "W - '04" bumper sticker. Now, I don't wish this guy who's driving his over-compensating-for-something truck harm, but let's say I wouldn't really worry if his car were to tumble several times and exlpode. Yet, if I see someone with a John Kerry bumper sticker I just hope that they survive until the election. Funny how that works. Anyway, so that's the dingleberry in front of me. The guy to my left has a bumper sticker of Texas. Now, Texas might be really nice. But since my archetype of Texas is pretty much good 'ol George W, all I could muster was a surly exhale of breath upon spotting the sticker. But the guy behind me takes the cake. This guy should just be removed from human society forever. Him and Donny Osmand should be the first two humans to set foot on the sun. So what was so wrong with this guy? He's driving a P.T. Cruiser (strike 1) that's either been lowered or appears to be lowered because of its ridiculous looking bumper (strike 2) and is smoking (strike 3). You're out, man. Begone.

Ok. For real, I'm moving on to something non-work related.

I got some CDs from Suburban Home Records the other day. A really cool label, and they've got good stuff. No, no one from Suburban Home is gonna read this and send me free stuff, but hey, I figure it doesn't hurt. The Gamits' Antidote and Laymens Terms' 3 Weeks In are worth picking up. I wonder if anyone actually listens to our music suggestions on this thing. I'm guessing not. But whatever, that's not gonna stop us from doing it anyway.

Races to April. Their CD hits stores August 3rd, but you should preorder it if you know what's good for you. That CD will rock like nothing else. At least, it better, after all this hype I've been throwing around.

All right, that's enough for now. I'll be heading down to Georgia in a couple of days, so I won't be around to update this thing. So it'll be just like I'm home and working all the time instead. Maybe Adam and I will make a crappy home video this summer. Actually, no maybe there. The maybe was supposed to go here: Maybe you'll see it sometime, if you're lucky. And the lucky wasn't supposed to go there. The lucky was supposed to go here: Maybe you won't be subjected to it, if you're lucky. There, that looks right.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Hot damn, it's time for another fun Bush Administration Terrorist Threat! It's been too long, folks. I was wondering what to do with myself, not being especially on the lookout for Middle Easterners to shoot with my legally obtained and owned firearm. Self defense, motherfucker! Those towel head bastards threaten our country, our freedom, our family values, I should be allowed to shoot them. God bless the Red White and Blue, right? Anyway, yeah, as scheduled the current administration has decided to let us know about another terror threat. This time they're targeting the elections in November. So until then, everyone, keep an eye out. Freedom! Has anyone noticed how any time there's a group of more than 10 people meeting somewhere, the Bush administration gets these anonymous terrorist tips? They always go "There's a possibility of a potential threat sometime, somewhere and somehow. We don't know where it'll be... could be in a big city, could be in a small town. Could be planes, could be crop dusted chemicals, could be a guy opening fire in a crowded area. Could be an inside job. And it could happen any time. And it might not happen at all." How in the hell is that newsworthy? Every time a holiday or political convetion has come around since 9/11 a few years ago, there's been a terrorist threat. Hell, sometimes it's so serious that our nice handy color coded theat meter goes up. Ooooooooooooo... spooky. Because when it goes from yellow to orange, you know shit's going down. Except... shit has never gone down. Not once. But what has gone down is Bush's approval rating. And what's a good way to get it up again? The political Viagra known as terrorism. The terrorists crashing planes into the Trade Center has been such a blessing for the Bush administration that I wouldn't be surprised if they had a hand in orchestrating it. Just think. If they hadn't done that, we couldn't have taken out Afghanistan, and we sure wouldn't be in Iraq right now. Our boys and girls (but not any children of the people in Washington) wouldn't be over in the Middle East dying every day. Bush would still be considered a moron, incapable of handling a nation. But since the "attacks" (assuming it wasn't an inside job by Bush and Cheney) Bush has been portrayed as a war hero by the media, basically, even though he didn't even really serve in the military. And now it's giving the Republicans strategies in their ad campaigns against Kerry and Edwards. How will they handle the Mid East situation? The War on Terror? Well, if Bush hadn't sent our troops in unnecessarily because of this handy attack on America, they wouldn't be able to ask those questions. There would be no Mid East situation. There wouldn't be a war on terror if Bush wasn't in office because most other people would realize that you can't fight a war against an idea. Not only should Bush not be reelected, he should be tried for war crimes and decapitated on Al Jazeera for penance for killing so many of the youth of America. Go see Fahrenheit 9/11. You have to take everything Michael Moore says with a grain of salt, but it does present a fairly convincing argument against Bush.

(I'd like to say here that I do use exaggeration [hyperbole, if you will] to make a point sometimes, so use common sense to figure out what I really meant in the paragraph above and what I was just saying to shock people.)

Sorry I haven't been around much, everyone (nobody cares). I've been in two car accidents, my girlfriend has developed a cyst on her kidney, I've been going to my grandparents' house a few days a week... yeah. Mostly it's been the kidney cyst that's kept me away and I apologize. Leslie's unable to sit up for extended periods of time so I can't talk to her on here anymore. So that means I have to talk to her on the phone. And I'm unable to multitask. So there you have it. Once this gets all cleared up I will be around more often. We're just hoping she doesn't need surgery to get it out. Because of where it is it would be major surgery and that would be bad news.

I went to the lake (Lake Alatoona) the other day and rode around on jetskis and floated on rafts. Since then I have been in pain. While riding jetskis as fast as possible over the big waves left by the wakes of boats, thereby catching kick ass air seems like a good idea when you're doing it, your body will not thank you for it in the following days. But I do recommend it anyway. What I don't recommend is falling off a boat and hitting your ass on the rudder. Or motor. Or whatever I hit my ass on. I think I might have broken my tail bone a bit. Here it is almost a week later and I was trying to do situps but was unable to do more than 124 (usually do 4 sets of 50) because of the intense pain on my butt bone. I'm not going to the doctor for this because it doesn't hurt most of the time, but it is a pain... in... the... ass... I apologize. Hopefully it's healed and better by the time we go to Florida because rollercoasters are going to hurt if it hasn't healed. Going to the doctor would just get me a donut to sit on and that won't do shit against the roller coasters.

Future events: Leslie comes July 17-20, I will consequently not be available for comment. Brian comes the week of the 25th of July, tentatively. I will consequently probably be filming another stupid movie so me and Brian can laugh at it once and torture our families. Sometime after Brian leaves: Florida trip. I will consequently be riding lots of rides and sweating because my grandparents there don't use air conditioning in the middle of summer. August 14: I come back to Colorado. I will consequently be available for parties, weddings, bar and bat mitzvahs, and especially funerals. Get your concert shoes on for Against All Authority August 25.

Finally, I made a superfundandyamazing english test that you can take if you want. Leave comments with your scores so I can make fun of you.