Monday, November 15, 2010

Thus, I presented you with the latest in our long-running series, Twisted Survey:

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Man, you know I just get down.

2. How do you like your steak?
Like I like my women. You know what that means.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Because I have never been to England, or some equally poshy country, I have never seen a "film" at a "cinema." But the last "flick" I saw at the "picture show" was something or other.

4. What are your favorite TV shows?
Say Yes to the the Ghost Hunting, Kardashian Police Women of 90210

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Anywhere in the county of McCrackin, KY.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Pieces of shit like you.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Lean.

8. What foods do you dislike?
I like and dislike foods based on the ethnicities they represent. So, if you know me, you know I love the hard-working Mexicans and Mafia-running Italians, and hate the better-than-me-at-math Asians and the we-try-to-take-over-the-world-every-couple-generations-but-fail Germans.

9. Favorite Place to Eat
At a table.

10. Favorite salad dressings?
I find that a nice mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise really fits most bills, unless there's chicken in the salad, in which case you'll want to add in some bbq sauce.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
A horseless carriage.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Daisy dukes and a bikini on top.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
1271 Luna Road, Farmers Branch, TX. Or your mom's house.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
It's 3/4 full of destroyed dreams and broken promises, and 1/4 empty of hope and love. With sugar on the rim. Shaken, not stirred. Garnished with an orange slice.

15. Where would you want to retire?
My secret underground lair, from whence I will commence my plan to take over the world. I mean, Boca Raton. Which is not where my underground lair is. Muahahaha.

16. Favorite time of day?
12:34:56. Doesn't matter whether it's AM or PM, it's still PARTY TIIIIME!

17 Where were you born?
I was born the son of a preacher man, and a coal miner's daughter, so you figure it out.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Dog shows.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Are we playing tag? Am I it? I think I lose.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
I don't know, but whoever tries to tag me is going to get shivved in the face.

21.most curious about their responses to this?
I acknowledge no one's existence but my own.

22. Bird watcher?
I'm more of a bird feeler.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I am Caucasian.

24. Pets?
Pets are domesticated animals that people have and feed and pick up feces for. All pets descended from giant tree squirrels about 17,000 years ago. Oftentimes you think your pet is awesome, but your pet is actually annoying as shit and everyone hates it. Sometimes your pet runs away, which means it hates you.

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?
BREAKING NEWS! I just called to say I love you.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Rich as shit.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Not getting molested.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I am a full blooded human, and I think genetic engineering for the purpose of creating a race of mutant cat and/or dog people is ethically wrong, and totally awesome and where do I sign up?

29. Are you married?
To my job. hyuk hyuk. No but seriously, I can show you the wedding certificate. Republicans and church leaders are up in arms. Where will it end? People marrying jobs, what next? People marrying chairs? People marrying cats? Two loving human beings of the same gender trying to unite under the law and reap the same benefits as two people of opposite genders? It disgusts me.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
I think you meant to put a period after that. Always wear your seat belt. You're welcome.

31. Been in a car accident?
I've plowed into cars, run people over, and ruined several lawnscapes, but I wouldn't call any of them "accidents."

32. Any pet peeves?
I have no pets, but I'm interested in a peeve. Is it a cross between a peacock and a beaver?

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Love.

34. Favorite Flower?
I find that whole wheat flour just isn't the same as your standard flour. Tortillas made from whole wheat do not make delicious crunchy quesadillas like regular flour ones.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Anything melted over a hot cherry pie or brownie, fed to me by servant women.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant
Bonzo's Whipped Cream Pie Emporium will feed you a whipped cream pie faster than anyone else in town, Guaranteed.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
The driver's ed book never said it was frowned upon to drive while doing the crossword, drinking coffee, playing on an Ipad, and applying eyeliner, so while I may have failed once, I maintain to this day that I didn't know I couldn't do that.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Jesus, just thanking me for such a cool dude. You know how it is.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Circuit City. Circuit City went out of business? Fuck it then, I don't need credit cards anymore.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I was going to say no, but then I thought that would seem lame, so I punched a baby in the face, so yeah.

41. Like your job?
If you read the last two questions together, as in "Do anything spontaneous lately? Like your job?" it sounds a little accusatory, and I'm not sure I like your tone, buster.

42. Broccoli?
Okay. I let things slide on these sometimes. But "Broccoli?" is not a question. In no way, shape, or form is that a question. You can't put a question mark on a noun and call it a question. "Slide?" "Window?" Nope.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
That time I went back in time and thought I shot Hitler, but it was really Charlie Chaplin. We had some laughs about that, boy, did we ever. But then I had to go back in time and shoot myself so that Charlie Chaplin could bring joy to millions again. Time travel, man. It's so complicated.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
The Dark Lord Satan. We had a nice time. Went to this very intimate French place, ate some snails, damned some souls. Then Satan had too much to drink and I had to take him home. You know how it is with Satan, that lush.

45. What are you listening to right now?
The voice inside my head telling me to do it.

46. What is your favorite color?
The color of your eyes, baby.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None, but I do own Tattoo from Fantasy Island. I'm willing to sell or trade if anyone has anything worthwhile.

48. Coffee drinker?
No, I prefer to get my energy the old fashioned way. Cocaine.

49. How many children do you have?
Several. THAT I KNOW OF!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Ah, the political ad. It’s an art form, perfected over years of trial and error. I imagine the first political ads actually described what the candidates were going to do in office. You know, like a product commercial. When you see Oxy Clean on TV, the commercial shows you why you need Oxy Clean. That shit will clean anything! Look at that weird British guy who is not Billy Mays. He is clearly no Billy Mays, but it doesn’t really matter who the pitchman is because the product works. Or look how EXTREME those Mountain Dew drinkers are. Man, if I drank some Dew I could totally surf on the back of a shark. That’s what ads do. They show you the product, tell you why you should buy the product, and that’s it. Makes sense, right?

At some point, even during my lifetime, if I remember correctly, political ads worked the same way. Here’s your candidate, and here’s what he’s going to do once he’s in office, and here’s why you should vote for him, and that’s it. Sure, every promise they would make was a bold-faced lie, but at least they were lying about themselves. Then at some point, someone decided that wasn’t enough.

Let’s say that at some point, Candidate A was at a town hall meeting, and someone asked him “Hey, you’re pro-choice, right?” Candidate A responds “Well sure, but with limitations. I don’t think you should abort everything in all instances.” Candidate B hears this and comes out with:

“Candidate A – baby eater. Can you believe what Candidate A said? ‘Abort everything in all instances.’ Candidate A will kill your kids and eat that shit UP. He’ll take a rock, bash you in the stomach until you discharge that baby, and then make soup from it. Candidate A will murder your grandparents and fuck your mom. Do you want a murderous, baby-eating mom-fucker in office? Vote Candidate B.”

The genius behind this move is that you don’t know shit about Candidate B. Candidate B could be a crack-smoking, abusive, Communist dogfighter, who rapes as a hobby. But his game is to get you to vote for him because at least he’s not eating babies. So Candidate A fires back with his own attack ad, and soon, as the voter, you are left with a choice. Vote baby-eater or rapist?

It may well be that these politicians actually have agendas that they’d like to accomplish in Washington, but you’d never know it from the ads we’ve been bombarded with this political season. And it’s hard to get excited about either party when you know one of them is going to fuck your mom and one of them is going to kill your dog. But you still have to vote.

When you look at the big picture, your choice is made a little clearer. The Democrats have had control of Washington for two years, and they have done very little except whine about Republicans not playing nice. They passed a health care bill that no one understands or knows anything about (don’t act like you do). They spent a lot of money trying to stop the recession, which no one knows if it worked (don’t act like you do) or if it just ended naturally. But no matter what you’ve been told, they did not turn the country into Communist Russia, sell white people into slavery, or make Islam the official religion of the US.

Republicans, if you’ll remember, fucked up so bad in so many ways that we threw them all out of power two years ago. Nothing has changed about them since then. They want rich people to get richer, creationism to be taught in public schools, abortions to be illegal, gays to be treated as second class citizens, pot smokers to be locked up in prison, and to use all these bombs that we’ve been accumulating.

Democrats want to take all your money and give it to lazy worthless poor people, let illegal immigrants take all our jobs, abort all the babies, people to be able to marry their pets, everyone to be high all the time, us to pull our military out of every country while pissing ourselves and asking people to please not hurt us, and to kill God.

Happy election day.