The Irreverent Times Journal

2010-12-24T15:56:00.003-07:00

Top 10, for your consideration:

10.Arcade Fire - The Suburbs - We Used to Wait
I never really glommed on to Arcade Fire. I know, that makes my cred as a music critic totally disappear. Not that I have any, because my lists totally deviate from the critics’ lists every year. Anyway, The Suburbs is the first album of theirs that I really think I’ve “got.” Somehow the artwork and the mood of the songs and the lyrics all cohere into an album that is most definitely about the suburbs. The tone swings from melancholy to uplifting, and the album nails a certain “feeling.” My favorite song is We Used to Wait, because I used to write letters, and I used to sign my name.

9.Two Cow Garage - Sweet St Me
After a disappointing release in Speaking in Cursive, Two Cow Garage is back with their most musically adventurous record to date. Like basically every other band, they’ve added keys to the mix, which really doesn’t add as much as they’d probably like it to. What does work is that they’ve brought the guitars more to the forefront and their songwriting has caught up with their southern rock mentality. Lyrically strong and catchy as hell, this is my kind of music.

8. The Like - Release Me - Release Me
Whoever’s idea it was to turn this group from a pretty basic pop punk band into a 60’s girl group with electric guitars deserves a raise. This album is markedly different from their previous release, and undoubtedly for the better. Release Me is one of my favorite songs of the year. Narcissus in a Red Dress is a slow burning groove. Really, every song on here is danceable and really bridges the gap between 60’s girl pop groups and pop punk groups today. This was a perfect summer album.

7.Black Keys - Brothers
It’s unfortunate that the songs from Brothers don’t translate well live, because this is probably the Black Keys’ best album. It’s definitely their most musically mature, moving further away from their straight up blues roots and into more diverse sounds. Dan’s voice is more nimble than ever here, hitting falsetto notes and his usual notes equally often. The addition of more instruments to the mix helps. I just hope they can figure out how to mix it all live. Check out Everlasting Light, Tighten Up, or Sinister Kid.

6.Fake Problems - Real Ghosts Caught on Tape
Each album these guys put out is different than the last, while retaining that certain je nai sais quoi that makes Fake Problems stand out. Their first couple releases sounded like an Against Me! imitator, but with It’s Great to Be Alive, and now Real Ghosts, they’ve moved into much more interesting territory. Intricate guitar work, Chris’s distinctive voice, and some catchy as hell songwriting make this a winner. Songs for Teenagers is a great single, and Grand Finale shows how the band can write a guitar anthem with the best of them.

5.Seven Degrees of Stephen Egerton - S/T
I may have liked this album more than anyone else in the world, but damnit, this record IS my college years. I never thought I’d hear a new ALL song, a new Descendents song, a new Armchair Martian song. But basically, with guest singers like Chad Price, Milo Aukerman, Scott Reynolds, and Jon Snodgrass, that’s what happens here. This is a pop punk tour de force. Every song reminds me of the best ALL had to offer, and every song makes me want to sing along. I absolutely love this album.

4.Gamits - Parts
I don’t know what happened to Chris Fogal between Antidote and Parts, but if I had to guess I’d say he smoked shards of glass and gargled with razorblades on a regular basis. Whatever happened, he sounds a little like Brendan from The Lawrence Arms, and that’s not a bad thing. To match his roughed up voice, the band decided to turn up the intensity and write by far the hardest (and for my money, hands down the best) Gamits album to date. It’s a risky proposition coming back after so many years and a new lineup, but everything clicks here, especially the terrific This Shell.

3.Dillinger Escape Plan - Option Paralysis
Widower, the sixth song on Option Paralysis, is one of the best songs this year. It encapsulates everything that the Dillinger Escape Plan have become, and shows where they’re going. With each album, they’ve grown further and further from their math thrash metal roots. Option Paralysis finally shows the band at what must be their pinnacle. They’re still punishingly heavy, with impossibly fast guitars and drums and ridiculously timed songs. But in the midst of all that, SONGS emerge. Choruses, 4/4 time, singing. This is an absolutely essential album that has something for everyone. Widower starts with a pretty piano line and Greg singing softly before it picks up speed and intensity. As it goes on, it builds and builds until it explodes into an epic handcore breakdown. Seriously, the second best song this year. Also, if you appreciate drums, you’ll wonder how in the hell Billy Rymer is able to play this stuff. It sounds like he’s doing the work of three men behind that kit.

2.Against Me! - White Crosses
I wrote a review for this one already. But to sum up, I was worried after New Wave, because that album was not that good. Even today, when I go back to listen to it, it’s just not great. White Crosses is. Admittedly, Against Me! is probably my favorite band of all time, so I can’t be unbiased. And admittedly, part of me misses the AM! of old. And admittedly, Tom’s lyrics are not as good as they used to be for the most part. But White Crosses is one hell of a rock and roll album, and songs like Because of the Shame and Bamboo Bones cannot be argued with.

1.Gaslight Anthem - American Slang
At first, I was a little put off because this is not The ‘59 Sound. But as I listened more and more, I realized this album is more original, more mature, and better. The Gaslight Anthem really pushed out of their familiar territory with this one, while retaining the excellent songwriting that they’ve always had. They’re not a Springsteen punk cover band anymore. They’re the Gaslight Anthem. They wrote this album, full of excellent songs like Bring It On, Boxer, Orphans, The Diamond Church Street Choir, and really every other song on here. Really, there was never any doubt. This was the best album released this year.

2010-12-21T10:48:00.001-07:00

Part 2 of my Best Albums list.

15. Cee-Lo Green - The Lady Killer
Fuck You was the best song of the year, hands down. The rest of the album doesn’t consistently hit those heights, but I’d say about two-thirds of it gets pretty close. Lyrically, it’s bland and extremely chorus-heavy, but melodically this is some catchy, catchy stuff.

14. Weezer - Hurley
It’s not really worth recounting the ups and downs of Weezer’s career at this point. Let’s just say that I was skeptical about this one coming out a year after last year’s totally vapid and uninspired Raditude. And, as much as I love Lost, slapping a picture of Jorge Garcia on the cover and titling the album Hurley didn’t really make it seem like much effort was being put into this one either. I was pleasantly surprised though, when I found much improved lyrics (still not poet laureate stuff, but at least no songs about going to the mall) and varied song structures. This is without a doubt the Weez’s best album since Pinkerton. Ruling Me rocks particularly hard.

13. Smoke or Fire - The Speakeasy
More politically charged than usual, The Speakeasy is a nice continuation from 2007’s excellent This Sinking Ship. Smoke or Fire have quietly become one of the most consistent punk bands working today, with strong lyrics and great energy, even in acoustic numbers like Honey, I Was Right About the War.

12. Sufjan Stevens - All Delighted People - Djohariah
The better of the two Sufjan releases this year is this “EP” that is ridiculously long. It features more traditional instrumentation, though Sufjan’s new-found penchant for writing absurdly long and varied songs is on display. Old fans will easily get into the sub-five-minute-long songs on here, but my favorite track is the closer Djohariah, structured like a much longer Sister from Seven Swans, with a long instrumental section that starts the song, only to have it turn into a beautifully simple acoustic song at the end. To me, if Sufjan Stevens wants to keep experimenting with song structure, this EP is the direction he should go.

11. Janelle Monae - The ArchAndroid
The first two-thirds of this album are SO good, so inventive and different and catchy and exciting, that I’m able to forgive the last third for being so slow and repetitive. Structured as two “suites” (parts II and III), this is somewhat of a sci-fi R&B concept album. Suite II should be taught in R&B school for the rest of time as a way to show newcomers what the genre is capable of. Songs flow together, swinging wildly in tone and voice, each one as interesting as the last. Had the album consisted only of Suite II, it would definitely have cracked my top 10. Unfortunately, Suite III has none of the manic energy of its predecessor and leaves the album overlong and ending on a low note.

2010-12-20T11:41:00.002-07:00

Time for the end of the year lists. Again, there's not a lot of crossover between the actual music critics and what I like. That's what happens I guess when you become a jaded old man who only likes the music he listened to when he was a kid. Today, 20-16 on the Top Albums of the Year list.

20. Brendan Kelly & Joe McMahon - Wasted Potential
Fun for the fans of The Lawrence Arms and Smoke or Fire, the acoustic songs on this album are sloppy and imperfect, but that makes them different enough from their regular versions that this is actually a worthwhile addition to their catalogs. Brendan’s version of Kiss the Bottle is so vastly different (and arguably better) than any other version I’ve heard that it almost sounds like a completely different song.

19. Big Boi - Sir Lucious Leftfoot: The Son of Chico Dusty
My token rap album for the year. This doesn’t get bogged down in the usual mainstream rap tropes (bragging, sex, money, etc). Big Boi is handy with a quick turn of phrase, the beats are fun, and the intensity keeps up throughout, making this a quick hour-long listen.

18. Corin Tucker Band - 1000 Years
I absolutely loved The Woods, the last album before Sleater-Kinney broke up. 1000 Years, from SK’s lead singer, could have been a slightly less noisy continuation of that band, and indeed some songs sound like SK B-sides. What’s much more interesting, and better, are the songs that sound nothing like SK. This album’s biggest strength is its diversity. It moves from balls-out rockers to quiet piano ballads while retaining a solid core, and shows sides of Corin Tucker that I don’t think we’ve ever seen before.

17. Ted Leo - The Brutalist Bricks
For my money, the best opening to an album this year is Ted Leo shouting “When the cafe doors exploded, I reacted too, reacted to you.” Teddy’s always been able to open and close an album. Where Living with the Living was bloated and unfocused, The Brutalist Bricks is completely honed in on rocking you to death. You won’t find any ill-advised reggae songs here, just raw energy. Unfortunately, all that energy created a somewhat one-note album, with the best songs being the ones that deviate from the norm - Bottled in Cork, Bartolomeo and the Buzzing of Bees, etc.

16. Sufjan Stevens - Age of Adz
Sufjan really went off the reservation in the years since Illinois came out. He lost faith in “the song,” wrote an orchestral piece about the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, and generally was a weirdo. The Age of Adz is then even more sprawling than his older albums. He’s embraced the electro-pop that is so popular right now, but he bends it in ways infinitely more interesting than most of his peers. The problem is, he’s so concerned with experimenting with sounds and song forms that the songs often get lost. It’s a very dense album, much easier to admire than to like, although after a few listens some of the greatness of old Sufjan shines through. Futile Devices, the first track, is almost tear-inducingly beautiful. It’s the strongest track on the album, and also the most reminiscent of the older albums. Coincidence?

2010-11-15T11:05:00.003-07:00

Thus, I presented you with the latest in our long-running series, Twisted Survey:

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Man, you know I just get down.

2. How do you like your steak?
Like I like my women. You know what that means.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Because I have never been to England, or some equally poshy country, I have never seen a "film" at a "cinema." But the last "flick" I saw at the "picture show" was something or other.

4. What are your favorite TV shows?
Say Yes to the the Ghost Hunting, Kardashian Police Women of 90210

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Anywhere in the county of McCrackin, KY.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Pieces of shit like you.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Lean.

8. What foods do you dislike?
I like and dislike foods based on the ethnicities they represent. So, if you know me, you know I love the hard-working Mexicans and Mafia-running Italians, and hate the better-than-me-at-math Asians and the we-try-to-take-over-the-world-every-couple-generations-but-fail Germans.

9. Favorite Place to Eat
At a table.

10. Favorite salad dressings?
I find that a nice mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise really fits most bills, unless there's chicken in the salad, in which case you'll want to add in some bbq sauce.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
A horseless carriage.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Daisy dukes and a bikini on top.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
1271 Luna Road, Farmers Branch, TX. Or your mom's house.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
It's 3/4 full of destroyed dreams and broken promises, and 1/4 empty of hope and love. With sugar on the rim. Shaken, not stirred. Garnished with an orange slice.

15. Where would you want to retire?
My secret underground lair, from whence I will commence my plan to take over the world. I mean, Boca Raton. Which is not where my underground lair is. Muahahaha.

16. Favorite time of day?
12:34:56. Doesn't matter whether it's AM or PM, it's still PARTY TIIIIME!

17 Where were you born?
I was born the son of a preacher man, and a coal miner's daughter, so you figure it out.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Dog shows.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Are we playing tag? Am I it? I think I lose.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
I don't know, but whoever tries to tag me is going to get shivved in the face.

21.most curious about their responses to this?
I acknowledge no one's existence but my own.

22. Bird watcher?
I'm more of a bird feeler.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I am Caucasian.

24. Pets?
Pets are domesticated animals that people have and feed and pick up feces for. All pets descended from giant tree squirrels about 17,000 years ago. Oftentimes you think your pet is awesome, but your pet is actually annoying as shit and everyone hates it. Sometimes your pet runs away, which means it hates you.

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?
BREAKING NEWS! I just called to say I love you.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Rich as shit.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Not getting molested.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I am a full blooded human, and I think genetic engineering for the purpose of creating a race of mutant cat and/or dog people is ethically wrong, and totally awesome and where do I sign up?

29. Are you married?
To my job. hyuk hyuk. No but seriously, I can show you the wedding certificate. Republicans and church leaders are up in arms. Where will it end? People marrying jobs, what next? People marrying chairs? People marrying cats? Two loving human beings of the same gender trying to unite under the law and reap the same benefits as two people of opposite genders? It disgusts me.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
I think you meant to put a period after that. Always wear your seat belt. You're welcome.

31. Been in a car accident?
I've plowed into cars, run people over, and ruined several lawnscapes, but I wouldn't call any of them "accidents."

32. Any pet peeves?
I have no pets, but I'm interested in a peeve. Is it a cross between a peacock and a beaver?

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Love.

34. Favorite Flower?
I find that whole wheat flour just isn't the same as your standard flour. Tortillas made from whole wheat do not make delicious crunchy quesadillas like regular flour ones.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Anything melted over a hot cherry pie or brownie, fed to me by servant women.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant
Bonzo's Whipped Cream Pie Emporium will feed you a whipped cream pie faster than anyone else in town, Guaranteed.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
The driver's ed book never said it was frowned upon to drive while doing the crossword, drinking coffee, playing on an Ipad, and applying eyeliner, so while I may have failed once, I maintain to this day that I didn't know I couldn't do that.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Jesus, just thanking me for such a cool dude. You know how it is.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Circuit City. Circuit City went out of business? Fuck it then, I don't need credit cards anymore.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I was going to say no, but then I thought that would seem lame, so I punched a baby in the face, so yeah.

41. Like your job?
If you read the last two questions together, as in "Do anything spontaneous lately? Like your job?" it sounds a little accusatory, and I'm not sure I like your tone, buster.

42. Broccoli?
Okay. I let things slide on these sometimes. But "Broccoli?" is not a question. In no way, shape, or form is that a question. You can't put a question mark on a noun and call it a question. "Slide?" "Window?" Nope.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
That time I went back in time and thought I shot Hitler, but it was really Charlie Chaplin. We had some laughs about that, boy, did we ever. But then I had to go back in time and shoot myself so that Charlie Chaplin could bring joy to millions again. Time travel, man. It's so complicated.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
The Dark Lord Satan. We had a nice time. Went to this very intimate French place, ate some snails, damned some souls. Then Satan had too much to drink and I had to take him home. You know how it is with Satan, that lush.

45. What are you listening to right now?
The voice inside my head telling me to do it.

46. What is your favorite color?
The color of your eyes, baby.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None, but I do own Tattoo from Fantasy Island. I'm willing to sell or trade if anyone has anything worthwhile.

48. Coffee drinker?
No, I prefer to get my energy the old fashioned way. Cocaine.

49. How many children do you have?
Several. THAT I KNOW OF!

2010-11-02T08:55:00.001-06:00

Ah, the political ad. It’s an art form, perfected over years of trial and error. I imagine the first political ads actually described what the candidates were going to do in office. You know, like a product commercial. When you see Oxy Clean on TV, the commercial shows you why you need Oxy Clean. That shit will clean anything! Look at that weird British guy who is not Billy Mays. He is clearly no Billy Mays, but it doesn’t really matter who the pitchman is because the product works. Or look how EXTREME those Mountain Dew drinkers are. Man, if I drank some Dew I could totally surf on the back of a shark. That’s what ads do. They show you the product, tell you why you should buy the product, and that’s it. Makes sense, right?

At some point, even during my lifetime, if I remember correctly, political ads worked the same way. Here’s your candidate, and here’s what he’s going to do once he’s in office, and here’s why you should vote for him, and that’s it. Sure, every promise they would make was a bold-faced lie, but at least they were lying about themselves. Then at some point, someone decided that wasn’t enough.

Let’s say that at some point, Candidate A was at a town hall meeting, and someone asked him “Hey, you’re pro-choice, right?” Candidate A responds “Well sure, but with limitations. I don’t think you should abort everything in all instances.” Candidate B hears this and comes out with:

“Candidate A – baby eater. Can you believe what Candidate A said? ‘Abort everything in all instances.’ Candidate A will kill your kids and eat that shit UP. He’ll take a rock, bash you in the stomach until you discharge that baby, and then make soup from it. Candidate A will murder your grandparents and fuck your mom. Do you want a murderous, baby-eating mom-fucker in office? Vote Candidate B.”

The genius behind this move is that you don’t know shit about Candidate B. Candidate B could be a crack-smoking, abusive, Communist dogfighter, who rapes as a hobby. But his game is to get you to vote for him because at least he’s not eating babies. So Candidate A fires back with his own attack ad, and soon, as the voter, you are left with a choice. Vote baby-eater or rapist?

It may well be that these politicians actually have agendas that they’d like to accomplish in Washington, but you’d never know it from the ads we’ve been bombarded with this political season. And it’s hard to get excited about either party when you know one of them is going to fuck your mom and one of them is going to kill your dog. But you still have to vote.

When you look at the big picture, your choice is made a little clearer. The Democrats have had control of Washington for two years, and they have done very little except whine about Republicans not playing nice. They passed a health care bill that no one understands or knows anything about (don’t act like you do). They spent a lot of money trying to stop the recession, which no one knows if it worked (don’t act like you do) or if it just ended naturally. But no matter what you’ve been told, they did not turn the country into Communist Russia, sell white people into slavery, or make Islam the official religion of the US.

Republicans, if you’ll remember, fucked up so bad in so many ways that we threw them all out of power two years ago. Nothing has changed about them since then. They want rich people to get richer, creationism to be taught in public schools, abortions to be illegal, gays to be treated as second class citizens, pot smokers to be locked up in prison, and to use all these bombs that we’ve been accumulating.

Democrats want to take all your money and give it to lazy worthless poor people, let illegal immigrants take all our jobs, abort all the babies, people to be able to marry their pets, everyone to be high all the time, us to pull our military out of every country while pissing ourselves and asking people to please not hurt us, and to kill God.

Happy election day.

2010-10-25T12:29:00.003-06:00

Time for the latest edition of Adam Comments on What Everyone Else has Already Commented On.

You know Juan Williams of NPR? He got fired for saying, and I quote, "All Muslims are trying to kill us all the time, and I think we should just nuke the Middle East, gas chamber the shit out of Muslims, and live on in a peaceful world free of the Muslim scourge."

Or he might as well have, the way NPR's knee jerked him out of a job and into right-wing hero status. What he actually said was "Sure, when I see someone in Muslim garb on a plane, I get a little nervous, BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT ALL MUSLIMS ARE TERRORISTS."

It's just that the last little bit of information there was left off of basically all the reporting. This is similar to the Shirley Sherrod thing a while back when she got fired immediately after it was reported that she said she didn't help a white farmer because he was white. In that case, they left off the entire rest of her message, where she realized she was wrong for that, and used the story as a message of racial tolerance.

When I was a kid, I always thought it would be funny to edit together clips of people saying words and making them say ridiculous things. If you can find a clip of someone saying "I hate black licorice," and one of them saying "Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday," and one of them saying "People like to dance," you could make them say "I hate...Jewish...people." But now that this is ACTUALLY happening on the news, it's not nearly as funny.

Oftentimes to make a point in a debate, you have to show common ground with your opponent. I recently volunteered at a food bank, helping people get their government subsidized food to their cars. Right-wingers say government should not do this, and they often point to lazy minorities who have babies and collect government checks and don't look for work. Having seen what I saw, I would say "Yes, there are young minorities with six kids in tow picking up their free food, but the majority of these people were older, often foreign people who didn't save enough money or just need some help to get by, and I would hate to see these decent people punished because of a small number of government assistance abusers."

If that were shown on the news, my statement would be "There are minorities with six kids in tow picking up their free food."

This is not responsible journalism. I suppose there are a few hyper-enlightened individuals who can walk through the inner city past groups of dangerous looking teenagers without their heart rates increasing. I suppose there are a few people who, on September 13th, 2001, could get on an airplane with a Muslim guy and not think, "Well that's off-putting." But I'd wager that most of us are like Juan Williams. We can admit that, though it's wrong, we do have preconceived notions about people and things. His point was, though, that we can feel like that instinctively, but our rational brains can override those feelings.

NPR didn't think rationally, they just instinctively fired the guy for a misconstrued half-statement. For a news company that pretends to be the rational one, that move was not very impressive.

2010-10-22T10:52:00.000-06:00

I have made a movie. Rated PG-13 for content, F- for quality. Enjoy!

2010-10-08T11:49:00.001-06:00

Kelly hired me to make her a poster to advertise a hoop class she wants to put on. The result, as you can see, was worth every penny.

2010-10-07T10:57:00.003-06:00

Concerts are an interesting thing. Most of the concerts I've been to in my life are of the punk rock variety. I've been to a couple of hip hop concerts, and I've been to a couple of bigger, mainstream concerts. Last weekend I went to a Muse concert at the Pepsi Center. This is my review.

The Pepsi Center is not a good venue for music. There's a reason its main purpose is to house Nuggets and Avalanche games. Both of the concerts I've seen there have sounded muted and echoey. I have a feeling the acoustics in the venue are to blame, not the sound engineering, but it could be a combination of both. I realize that in downtown Denver there aren't many places capable of holding enough people for these bigger concerts, but unless the tour is something I'm not willing to miss (such as the Weezer/Foo Fighters tour a couple years ago), I don't think I'll be heading back to the Center anytime soon.

The opening band, Passion Pit, sucks. Their album, Manners, was reviewed very positively, which isn't surprising considering how much people are into synthesizers again. But, for all the fancy terms given to them by critics, they play nothing more and nothing less than disco music. Their stage presence is nonexistant, as they have up to THREE synthesizer players standing on stage, a drummer who I assume is there for show, since they have a drum machine in almost every track, and the world's most boring bass player. I was pleased to see that not many people in the house were really digging them, but their fans were hardcore, singing along and white-girl dancing (it's all in the arms!) to every song.

Muse came on with an elaborate stage set that had them all standing on elevated columns that also played video clips. It was kind of cool, but the stage also made everything seem too rehearsed for my tastes. It was almost robotic. Now the singer will move to the elevated left part of the stage for this song. Now they will move off the columns for two songs. Now they will move back on, and the columns will go back up. They sounded as fine as they could have. Vocals were unclear, but the instruments were rockin. The crowd loved the shit out of them. I don't know that much about them, but they played every song I wanted to hear. A guy screamed in my ear so loud constantly throughout the show that I thought I was going to pass out.

So, in conclusion, big concerts are fun, but I really prefer smaller shows. I don't like to be half a mile away from the band. I don't like the premeditated nature of the bigger concerts. I understand wanting to see a "show" when you go see a show, but I prefer to focus on the music. I like to see everyone on stage together, just playing music, and not making a full-on production out of it. And rap shows are just weird.

2010-09-01T11:18:00.001-06:00

Someone stole my bike. It was a $350 awesome mountain bike that I got to ride about five times in Fort Collins before I learned I was to come to Denver. That averages out to $70 per ride. It wasn’t that awesome. I just want to put it on the record that I hope whoever stole my bike gets hit by a car while riding it and dies, because anyone who would steal a bike probably isn’t bringing anything good into this world. I doubt he stole my bike and then rode it to his job at the children’s hospital.

California tried to ban plastic shopping bags. On one level, this doesn’t surprise me, as California is notoriously liberal (even to this liberal writer). But really, California? You had to write IOUs to your taxpayers this year, and you’re worried about plastic bags? Your entire state is covered in a layer of smog so thick that you can draw pictures in it by waving your arms, and you think that getting rid of plastic bags is going to help the environment? It’s interesting, the problems we think need solving. Maybe revisit the plastic bag “issue” after you’ve figured out how to resolve your… well… all your other problems, really. Maybe start with the whole “we have no money and no jobs” thing.

Speaking of non-issues, people are upset that someone wants to build a community center with a mosque in it near ground zero. Where there is already a mosque. And porn stores, and fast food, and all kinds of other colorful businesses. It’s New York Fuckin’ City, man! The most diverse place quite possibly in the world. And it’s The United States of Fuckin’ America, man! Where regardless of whether you like it or not, people have the right to say and believe what they want. It’s amazing that these conservatives are rallying against it, when usually all they preach is “FREEDOM! Freedom to carry an assault rifle to the grocery store! Freedom to put the 10 Commandments in schools! Freedom to pray to Jesus Fuckin’ Christ in public schools!” But then some Muslims want to be allowed to worship and they go “Now hold on a second… I mean, freedom is all well and good for the white Christians that this country was built for, but these brown Muslims maybe shouldn’t be allowed to pray to their god here. After all, there are thousands of Muslims around the world who hate America, so excluding them from the freedoms everyone else has should remedy that/teach them a lesson.” I hate election season.

Speaking of hating politics, I guess the war in Iraq is over. Mission accomplished! Now there are no more combat operations, just tens of thousands of troops stationed there for “peacekeeping” or something, which is a different word that means the same thing.

Did you guys go to the Taking Back America rally or whatever that Glenn Beck did? The revolution’s a-comin’. Just as soon as they figure out exactly what they’re taking America back from and what their agenda is, other than racism. Did you know Glenn Beck is a Mormon? Interesting stuff!

I love these “dating shows” or whatever, where some “dating expert” or whatever teaches you how to “date” or whatever. The best one is The Pick Up Artist, in which an 8 foot tall dweeb who dresses like a wizard, whose name is Mystery, teaches nerds how to get girls. There’s a new one that’s a take on the same idea called Plain Jane, in which a snarky British woman teaches girls how to get guys.

Two side notes: 1. I wish I was born a snarky Brit, because I’m pretty sure they are Britain’s number one export at this point, and they’re all rich. 2. I can simplify the Plane Jane show. Step one: Girl puts on a low cut shirt. Step two: girl goes outside. Dates ensue.

Anyway, these shows are awesome, and they teach you an important lesson. They talk about how important self esteem is, and teach you conversational skills, and tell you that with confidence, anyone can be yours. Then they get you an entire new wardrobe, new hairstyle, makeup, etc. so that you look like a douchebag/whore (not gender specific). The lesson is, in the end it doesn’t matter what your personality is like. If you’re not attractive, you have no hope of ever finding someone who will love you. Thanks, TV!

2010-08-17T09:23:00.003-06:00

Hey, sports fans. No doubt you've noticed that some people like some sports more than other sports. Since all sports are not created equal, I have decided to publish the first ever official grading of sports, so that everyone knows once and for all what the best sports are. Behold, the ReSPORT Card!

Baseball: Once America's pastime, the sport of baseball has suffered from strikes and scandals over the years. It is sad that we lived in the steroid era and had to put up with the McGwires and Bondses. But now it seems like the numbers are deflating and we're actually watching athletes play a sport again. People who don't understand the sport criticize it for being too slow, but with each pitch having its own strategy, and each pitch having the potential to be important, baseball is an exciting game. Added bonus: they play almost every day, so you always have something you can throw on if there's nothing else happening. It's also really fun to play, since most people have the ability to throw and catch a ball. I think.
Watch: A-
Play: A

Football: At this point, it seems like football is the favorite sport in America. To the point where it's annoying. They play once a week for a few months, but we have to sit through analysis and predictions and speculation for about 11 months out of the year. And the draft, how fucking boring is the draft? And the fans! Nothing else gets drunk fat men to attend games shirtless in freezing weather, or groups of people to act like every Sunday is Halloween. It's all a little much. That said, I like to watch football. While it's true that there's really not much action during the game, every play has the potential to be exciting, and games are often evenly matched enough that there aren't TOO many blowouts. And it is fun to sit around with some friends and watch, because it's got the right mix of action and sit-around-talking-time. It CAN be fun to play, if you have the right mix of people, but it can also be really frustrating if you're, say, 5'7".
Watch: A-
Play: C+

Basketball: There are people who really like basketball. I'll say this about basketball: It has more actual action than football. I'll also say this about basketball: It's super boring. I'm just not impressed by giant freaks of nature stuffing a ball into a hoop. Can I do it? Not easily. But then, I'm not seven feet tall. Watching these men with monstrous 12 foot wingspans stuff a ball in a 10 foot tall hoop just isn't entertaining. Add to that the hundreds of time outs and stoppages of play, especially at the end of the game, and you have something that's just not fun to watch. The WNBA is even worse. Playing it is another matter, as you and your buddies are probably normal sized human beings, and even your little buddy who isn't athletic can probably manage to get the ball through the hoop every so often. Just don't play shirts and skins. Nobody wants to see your moobs flopping all over the place.
Watch: C-
Play: B

Hockey: Before the most recent strike, hockey was my favorite sport to watch on TV. I loved the hits, the amazing goals, the amazing saves, the fights. The sport seemed to move quickly back and forth. It's like soccer done right - full contact, small scale, and fast moving. For some reason, since the strike, I haven't been able to watch hockey. Maybe it's because my teams (Avs and Thrashers) aren't consistently good enough to pay attention to. I still like to watch it, but just not at the same level. That said, they play about every other day, and if there's nothing else on, hockey is still a solid bet for a fun evening. I can't ice skate, so I can't say that I know how fun it is to play. It looks like a blast, but it gets docked points for being more specialized than the other sports on the list.
Watch: B+
Play: C

Soccer: Normally I wouldn't include soccer on a list like this, but since we just got wrapped up in "World Cup Fever" I thought I'd mention again how much I dislike this sport. The pros: It's never on TV, and the World Cup only happens every four years. The cons: It's super boring to watch guys kick a ball back and forth across a court that seems to be the size of Rhode Island. Nothing ever happens. 1-0 is an exciting game. Every so often you have to listen to someone talk to you about why soccer is the greatest sport in the world. Look, all the fancy footwork in the world can't save the sport from the fact that 98% of the awesome tricks don't result in goals. The "amazing" footwork that kept the other team from stealing the ball will just result in an intercepted pass in a few seconds. The header or bicycle kick will sail 30 feet over, to the left, or to the right of the net the vast majority of the time. Just like the vast majority of non-fancy kicks. I'm not saying I can do what these guys do - but my shitty footwork can result in 0-0 ties just the same. Playing it is more fun than watching it, especially since all you really need to be able to play it are the will and ability to run run run run and run some more.
Watch: F
Play: C+

2010-08-10T09:00:00.004-06:00

I'd like someone to do a scientific poll to see if people who smoke cigarettes while driving are worse drivers than the rest of us. To me, it seems like people who smoke cigarettes in general are, for the most part, inconsiderate assholes anyway. I just notice that a large percentage of the time I'm behind some jackass driving 10 under the speed limit, swerving, and being a moron, after a couple minutes he or she will flick a cigarette out the window. Not to say that those are the only bad drivers on the road (please see: women in large SUV's talking on cell phones), but seriously. I'd like to know what percentage of smokers get in accidents versus non-smokers.

Now let's get down to business, shall we? Brass tacks, as they say for some reason. Show me the cheese, as I will from now on say. The time is now to commence with the subject of the day, and the subject of the day is decreed to be these new scanners at the airport. Maybe you've seen them.

That's pretty cool, right? A 3d image of a person being scanned that can catch all types of weapons, not just metal ones. It's like a metal detector, but way more thorough. Sorry, terrorists, your wooden knives and plastic bombs will no longer be able to terrorize us in the skies. The only objections to this technology should be that it takes a little longer than the metal detector. You do have to empty your pockets completely and stand in an awesome chamber for a minute in different positions in order to get all the images made. I saw one of these in Atlanta and wanted to go through it, but accidentally got in the wrong line. Luckily, they're coming to Denver, soon!

BUT WAIT! Here come the crazies! They're coming in to protest these magic machines of the future. What's their problem, you ask? That these machines show outlines of naked bodies! Hide the women and children, and head for the hills, because we all know what these new scanners are all about. Free porn for the TSA! Now that you know how raunchy and, well, just plain sexy those pictures are, go back and take a look at them again. And just try to keep your hands out of your pants. Those terrifying glowing aliens with outlines of penises and boobies really turn me... on?

Look, if someone at some point says mandatory strip searches for everyone before they get on a plane, I'll have an issue. And no, I don't necessarily want everyone in the world looking at my junk and fat rolls. But when faced with a choice of having someone see an outline of my body, or being killed in an airplane, I'll take the exhibitionist route. I'm sure that perverts know there are actual naked people available at millions of places online for free, and I don't expect an influx of sex freaks into the TSA. And even if there is, so what? The people who check these images sit in a different room, so they can't glance back and forth between your scary alien body and your real body to try to fill in the blanks. They will see hundreds of these images per hour. They're not going to save and print the hottest images for "review" later. And if they do, you won't know about it, so who the hell cares?

Seriously, people. Priorities. If you are so upset about someone seeing an outline of you naked that you're willing to risk your life and hundreds of others, maybe you should hit the gym.

In other news, Levi Johnson is making a reality show about running for mayor of Wasilla, AK. The only reality show I want to watch about anyone related to the Palin family is one where they get dropped off in the African savanna and get eaten by lions.

2010-08-02T10:19:00.002-06:00

Well, shit. It's August -- wait, it's August? How'd that happen? There were at least two occasions in July when I was all set to post a blog update, but it just never happened. And so, for all intents and purposes for this blog, I did not exist during the month of July. I'm okay with that. Here's what I would've mentioned, had I not been such a slacker:

1. Infinite Jest. Still going strong, though I've slowed down my pace due to other things going on (see point number 2). The goal is to finish the book by August 14th, which is when I'm leaving to go to the Outer Banks. 12 days. About 300 pages. Should be easy enough, hopefully. Still an awesome, awesome book.

2. My off-off-Broadway acting debut. Huh? Yes. Got wrangled into performing in this really really really really really bad one act play. It was fun, but not for reasons that rehearsing should be fun -- instead, it came down to just making fun of how horrible the script was. But yeah, it had a one week run, five performances. Right in the heart of the theater district downtown in Manhattan. Crazy. I'm a superstar now, I should have you know. Part of the reason I was distracted during the end of July was because I was out partying with the likes of Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Paulie Shore. Good times!

3. Futurama. I'm glad it's back. It had a phenomenal return episode, then got a little bumpy as it found its feet again, but has steadily improved since episode 2. Last week's episode featured time travel, which is pretty much the way to win me over. (In anything. Entertainment, sci-fi, love.) Here's to hoping they've gotten whatever kinks out they needed to get out, and now they've hit their stride and will continue to go strong. Either way, I'm glad it's back. I do enjoy those characters very much.

4. American Idiot (the Broadway musical). My sister came up here to spend a few days palling around with me in the city before seeing my play and promptly leaving in the very early A.M. the following day. During that time, we got cheap tickets to see the new Broadway-ed version of American Idiot. Consensus? So-so. The good: solid soundtrack that doesn't suffer from too much Broadway-ization. A few songs are Broadway-ed up, but, for the most part, it's pretty good. I never really listened to the album, but it definitely make me want to go back and dig out the old CD. The bad: there's basically no book. It's like they assumed that the songs themselves were strong enough to carry three (!) storylines. The songs are good, but they're not THAT good. Also, don't even get me started on the main dude's talking voice.

5. Inception. I've seen it twice now -- once with friends, the other with my sister. I like it. Quite a bit, even. But I don't love it. It's a great excuse to set up four or five super awesome sequences, but the rest of it seems kind of uneven. Also, can we all agree that Ellen Page's character is hella annoying? And it's totally not her fault -- the script makes her an auxiliary to the story instead of a character. Still, totally worth seeing on the big screen for those cool shots alone. But it's already at the #3 slot on IMDB's top 250, and I don't agree with that. It deserves to be on the list -- somewhere in the top 100, even, for sure -- but #3? (And Toy Story 3 is still up there, at #10. Another movie that's good, but not THAT good. [I just did that "THAT" thing at the end of the last paragraph. Sorry.])

6. Concerts. Haven't been to any since the Josh Ritter one way back when, I don't think. But I picked up tickets to see the Avett Brothers at Radio City. Seems like an odd venue for them, but I'm excited. Show's not until October, though.

Okay, I guess that's about it. If I think of anything else, I'll intend to update this blog, but then put it off for a month.

2010-07-22T09:18:00.001-06:00

It’s Summer, and you know what that means: Nothing is on TV. You could go outside, but it’s hot and there are bugs out there. Instead, why doesn’t someone make some of these new shows that I have come up with?

Survivor Bachelor – One man and 12 women are forced to live on an island for 90 days. Instead of getting roses, the women who don’t get eaten are the ones the bachelor wants to continue “dating.” The last surviving woman wins $10,000 and is forced to marry the bachelor, so they have someone who will understand the unspeakable horrors they witnessed and were a part of.

Bottom Chef – 17 contestants from all over the country are picked, who have little to no experience cooking, and go through the same challenges they go through on Top Chef. Expect a lot less purees, souvees, and other French words; and a lot more variations on sandwiches and mac and cheese. It’s like Top Chef, except you can actually relate to it.

VAMPIORS – Since we are right at the crest of the vampire craze in this country, it would probably make sense for someone to try a show about them. They could live among humans, or like in a gated community. They could be teenagers, or middle aged. They could go out in the sun or not. Really, as long as they have slightly elongated canine teeth, that’s probably good. I’m surprised no one has taken advantage of this idea yet.

Oil Spill LIVE with Regis and Kelly – Take Regis and Kelly, or whoever his counterpart is these days, and put them in a robot drilling machine, and have them interview celebrities or whatever they do, but have them do it down by the oil spill. I don’t think the oil spill has gotten enough publicity recently, and this would certainly help people remember what a horrifying and dangerous world we live in, while simultaneously being amazed that Regis is still allowed to be on TV.

Newspaper at 7 – Any local channel could do this show. Have someone read the newspaper on TV. We’ve all been hearing that newspapers are dying out, but TV sure as shit isn’t going anywhere. So what better way to bring newspapers into the 21st century than have them read on TV in glorious high definition? To captivate the young male audience, the presenter can hold the bra ads up to the camera for a few seconds.

The Hills of the City of Beverly Hills 90210’s Real Desperate Housewives of The Jersey Shore – Take all the people who have been on any of these shows and put them into a house with no exit, filled with booby traps and AK-47’s. And just see what happens!

B&A Records – Two wise cracking twenty-somethings who for some reason own a record store that hasn’t gone out of business stand around and make fun of customers for 22 minutes. They work close to a sandwich restaurant which closely resembles Subway, and they go there for lunch. On second thought, that’s a terrible idea for a show.

2010-07-19T11:03:00.002-06:00

Dear True Blood,

What has become of you? You were a fun little show about vampires that had gratuitous violence and nudity every episode. That first season, where we were looking for the murderer in Bon Temps, that was some of the most fun I've had watching TV in a while. Remember how you were just like a cool show that just happened to have vampires in it? It wasn't even like you were shoving the vampires in my face, being all like "LOOK AT VAMPIERS!" or anything back in those days. Maybe it was because the vampires had just come out, and thanks to the drink True Blood, they were able to exist without feeding on people. There was this tense, almost cease-fire balance between vampires and humans, echoing the desegregation era in American history. There was mystery, intrigue, and lots and lots of violence and sex.

Our second get together was pretty fun, too. That crazy Marianne with her bull head and freaky horns. The shapeshifters. Sure, we kind of left behind the whole family dynamic that Sookie and her brother and friend had, but it was okay. The whole social commentary aspect was kind of gone, too, but it was still fun to watch all these dummies get corrupted by Marianne. And Jason getting into the crazy church, and Godric, there was a lot of good stuff! A little more ridiculous, sure, but still cool.

But now, on our third date, I feel like I might as well be watching Twilight, what with the vampires, the werewolves, and all the mopey mopeitty moping going on. This is my impression of your new season so far:

SOOKIE: MOPE MOPE MOPE Where's Bill? MOPE MOPE MOPE

BILL: MOPE MOPE I am taken away from my love and held hostage MOPE BE KIND OF AWESOME MOPE

TARA: MOPE MOPE I have nothing to live for because I'm a useless waste of time pain in the ass who never does anything. MOPE MOPE

SAM: MOPE MOPE My family is a bunch of jerks and I wish I'd never found them. MOPE MOPE MOPE

ALCIDE: MOPE MOPE My lady is a whore and I wish she wasn't. MOPE MOPE

You're five episodes in, and nothing has happened with any of these main characters. By this time last year, Marianne was making people have orgies, Godric was missing and Sookie was on the case. At this time this year, Sookie has stopped moping in Bon Temps and started moping in Mississippi. Tara the same thing. Sam found his family and they suck. Bill got kidnapped and is still kidnapped. None of the characters really seem to be going down storylines that relate to each other anymore. The werewolves don't seem fierce. There's not nearly as much good old fashioned violence or nudity. What happened to your edge?

At least your vampires can't go outside in the sun, and they're not sparkly. But still. If I wanted to watch Twilight, I'd throw my nuts in the closet and watch it. But I don't. So how'sabout you get back to what you do best: killing and screwing.

Thanks,
Adam

2010-06-29T17:52:00.002-06:00

First, the Good Stuff: I've started reading the massive, 1079-page epic known as Infinite Jest. I am currently on page 240. My analysis so far? It's been surprisingly easy to read. I was expecting some intricately dense and complex novel that was going to be somewhat punishing to read; thankfully, it's nothing like that at all. Instead, it's quite reader-friendly. It's also hilarious. Sure, there are parts that are slower/harder to get through than others, but I've been able to plow through the first 240 pages (and about 20 pages of footnotes) in 11 days. I don't know if that's actually a fast pace or not, but the point is: it's going by quickly.

What I do know, and what I wanted to share with you, is that there are passages in this novel that are just stunning. Like, I just want to give up writing forever, because there's no way that I'm ever going to be able to craft anything as good as some of these passages. They're so good, I want to go back and re-read them, even if they're six or seven pages long (which, for this book, can take a while). I wish I could just sit here and transcribe them for you, but not only would that be copyright infringement, it would also not be as meaningful taken out of context. Thus, the best I can do is say: Read this book. It'll take a long time to finish, but I'm already ready to say it'll be worth it. And when you do, I can tell you all about those amazing parts that you'll surely also find amazing.

Now the Bad Stuff: What's up with Rock Band's DLC recently? Pantera, Deftones, Ozzy Osbourne (but Ozzy songs that no one cares about), Miley Cyrus, then, after I didn't think it could get any worse than Miley-fucking-Cyrus, Nickelback? I just hope that next week is something like Radiohead's OK Computer or something. They really need to redeem themselves. It's a good thing those Rock Band Network songs are slowly trickling onto the PS3. If it weren't for those, I would've only bought one song (a Spoon single) since mid-May. Crazy.

2010-06-23T15:02:00.001-06:00

Allow me to explain why Fahrenheit is the superior temperature scale to Celsius.

First, let’s take a look at the men that the scales are based on. John P. Fahrenheit was a children’s doctor who rode unicorns whilst saving nuns from evil henchmen. Xavier Q. Celsius was a dirty rotten thief, and his mother was a whore.

But those two completely historically accurate facts are irrelevant! Some people like that Celsius “logically” goes from 0 (the freezing point of water) to 100 (the boiling point of water), whereas Fahrenheit’s freezing/boiling points are 32 and 212. That would be logical, if we were water! But we’re not water, we’re people. Therefore Fahrenheit’s scale of 0 (freezing nuts) to 100 (hot as balls) makes more sense for us. 100 degrees Fahrenheit is equal to about 38 degrees Celsius. 38 degrees doesn’t really have the same ring to it as 100 degrees. “Boy, it’s hot out here. It’s almost THIRTY EIGHT!”

Fahrenheit is better because there are more degrees, so it’s more accurate. Between 32 and 100, we have 68 degree options, whereas for the same temperatures Celsius has 38. That means we can be more accurate without resorting to decimals (although the rest of the world that uses Celsius also uses the Metric system, so they probably fucking love the shit out of decimals). We can easily differentiate between 65 and 66 degrees without saying 18.3 and 18.8. And we all know how big a difference there is between 65 and 66 degrees. 18 degrees Celsius could mean literally anything (between 65 and 66 degrees)!

I think I’ve illustrated pretty clearly here why America rules and why Algeria can suck it. Suck it, Algeria!

2010-06-18T15:10:00.003-06:00

The Gaslight Anthem has grown up. That seems to be the theme of their new album, American Slang. This is an older band. One that's matured since the days they'd blaze through two-and-a-half minute punk (?) songs on their debut LP, Sink or Swim. They aren't the sentimental, reference-filled band from The '59 Sound. There are no Marias on American Slang. No Virginias. They still talk about dancing and friends and the city, but it's not the same. Which is a risky move, considering they could've rested on their laurels and released The '59 Sound: Part 2 and it would've been a huge success. Instead, they take the overall sound of what they did before, revamped it a little, tweaked the lyrical content, and released an amazing record.

(I was going to go into this whole in-depth review thing, but then I realized we aren't Pitchfork [thank god], so I'll spare you. Instead, the highlights.) "Stay Lucky," "Bring it On," "Boxer," "Old Haunts," and "We Did it When We Were Young" are the stand-outs for me. "The Diamond Church Street Choir" is pretty good, but Brian's voice (which, let's be honest, has never been the best voice in the world) kind of loses it. "The Queen of Lower Chelsea" is the only somewhat disappointing tune, to me. It's a slower jam, which I'm cool with ("Blue Jeans and White T-Shirts" is one of my favorite Gaslight songs, plus the aforementioned "We Did It"), but it just doesn't seem to ever reach a climactic point or something. I like it, but that one guitar riff kind of annoys me. Oh well.

So, is American Slang better than The '59 Sound? Hard for me to say right now. I do know I like it a helluva lot. They faced a daunting task, following up an album as strong as The '59 Sound. And they complicate matters even more by establishing a change in tone. Thankfully, they pulled it off. I think American Slang might be a transitional album for The Gaslight Anthem. I wouldn't be surprised if, a few years from now, we get an even more polished, an even more mature band.

(Also, bravo to Against Me! I agree with Adam -- their new album rocks. I have to tell myself it's a different band from the Axl Rose days, but Tom's still got it. He knows how to write a hook, that's for sure. With White Crosses, Against Me! was either going to go by the indie-label-to-major-label wayside, or reinstate their relevance. I'm glad they're still around.)

2010-06-14T15:09:00.001-06:00

Your pretentious, “worldly” friends who love anything other countries appreciate have probably told you the World Cup is happening, and you probably (hopefully) looked at them kind of cockeyed and went back to not giving a shit about soccer (which, by the way, those friends will call football, even though this is America and the sport is called soccer here, because we speak American English). People who are trying desperately to be cultured by pretending to appreciate soccer will always come to you with their one point – soccer is the most popular sport in the world, so it must be worth liking. “Untrue!” I say. McDonalds is like the most popular restaurant in the world, but does that make the food good? No. It’s popular because it’s cheap and fast. The same reasons soccer is popular.

That’s right. Soccer is the disgusting fast food of sports. It’s popular because it can be thrown together for six cents and anyone can play it. Have a field? Have anything to kick? Then you can play soccer! You don’t need a bat, or a special stadium, or any sticks or any talent, or even a ball! You could play soccer with a chicken, or a rock. Literally all you need to be able to do is run. Or in the case of being a goalie, all you need to be able to do is stand in the way of things. How could soccer not be the most popular sport in the world when it can be played everywhere from the richest cities in the world to the poorest villages? That’s also why youth soccer is so popular. Before kids have any kind of coordination, they’re able to run after a ball and tire themselves out.

But eventually, we grow up and like more complex things. Soccer is just too simplistic. There are some rules, such as:
1. If a team kicks a ball into a goal, they score
2. The team who scores the most wins
3. Don’t use your hands
4. If someone looks at you, fall down on the ground and start crying like a bitch and writhing in pain

Far as I can tell, that’s about it. And as far as strategy goes, it seems to be “run faster than the other guys, and if you can’t do that, then try a pass in front of the goal and hope someone who’s standing there can bonk it with his head into the net” because for some reason you can use literally any part of your body except the hands.

Soccer also blows because its penalties are stupid. Aside from the aforementioned “hand ball,” you can get penalized for touching someone while trying to steal the ball from them. You slide to get the ball, you accidentally touch the other guy, and then we spend 15 minutes watching him cry for mommy, then pop right back up and start running around again. I’d love to see some of these pussies actually take a hit, like in real sports. And to top that all off, if you actually get someone out in front of all his defenders and you pass to him, you get called for offsides! Unbelievably, in the world’s most boring, lowest scoring sport, they actually penalize you for creating a good scoring chance. It’s like soccer fans are really just in it for the running, and not so much the scoring. Soccer is like watching a 90 minute long race that doesn’t have a finish line and nobody wins.

Speaking of 90 minutes, the clock in soccer anticlimactically climbs upwards to 90 minutes, never stopping, before some arbitrary amount of “stoppage time” is added by a referee. So when they’re resetting the ball after it goes out of bounds for the 750th time that game, or some wiener is laying there acting hurt, the game is technically still going on, so there’s no kind of strategizing with the clock. Just kicking the ball back and forth lazily until 90 minutes has gone by. There’s a half time so these distance runners can adjust their shin guards, but aside from that, nothing. And just to sap any excitement that might be left out of the sport, you don’t even get thrilling countdown moments where the clock has entered the last minute of play and it’s counting down…ten…nine…eight… Nope! After the clock counts UP to 90 minutes, the game goes on for a few more minutes and then it just ends when a ref has decided he’s ready to go home.

If you like your sports played in binary, soccer is the score for you. Let’s take a look at the scores from the first round or whatever of the World Cup. 1-1, 1-0, 1-1, 0-1, 0-1, 1-0, 1-1, 0-0 (!!). Granted, every once in a while you get a blowout like South Korea over Greece (2-0), or you’ll have a game where a continent forgets to send players (Germany’s 4-0 over Australia). But the vast majority end in some variation of 1-0, with some games even ending with no score, which would make a normal person feel like they’d just wasted hours of their life watching it. And that’s another thing. Ties!? In a tournament!? I mean it makes sense in that if we had to play to a win, games could take months, years even. But I feel like the World Cup is essentially the playoffs of soccer, and what other sport lets a game tie in the playoffs?

Look, even if we ignore the God-awful fans of the sport, soccer blows. It’s engineered to be as boring as possible, with penalties for anything exciting and a clock that counts up. If you love watching people run, just watch track and field. At least someone wins every time.

2010-06-09T11:17:00.002-06:00

I had been thinking about writing this article on Against Me! for about a week now, but I decided I'd wait until I had the new album in my hands. From the songs I'd heard from it, I expected to be writing about how another band hand been claimed by the soul sucking major label curse, writing songs that are 90% chorus and 10% verse. But, I thought I'd give the new album a listen before I started to prattle on about how great they used to be and how mediocre modern rock they are now.

Against Me! has undergone quite the change musically and lyrically since they started as Tom Gabel and a drummer. "Crime," their first real, non-shitty release, was blistering acoustic folk-punk, with Tom screaming through songs like What We Worked For, and Impact, which is one of the single greatest songs you could ever hope to see live (especially in a tiny hot room in Houston after the band hasn't played it in years).

"Crime" segued easily into "Reinventing Axl Rose," which long-time readers of this blog will know is one of my absolute favorite albums of all time. It's all dirty anarchistic punk rock. It sounds like it was recorded at a party in the basement, and its lyrical content is absolutely some of the best I've ever heard. From "Pints of Guinness" about Tom's grandparents' deaths ("If we're never together, if I'm never back again, I swear to God that I'll love you forever") to We Laugh at Danger ("And I cannot help but hold on to a handful of times, when what was spoken was a revolution in itself, and what we were doing was the only thing that mattered. And how good it felt to kill the memory of nights spent holding your shirt for the smell. I heard you used to cry when you made love to him. This band will play on. Because all we can do is what we've always done"). From I Still Love You Julie ("Last night a room full drunk sang along to the songs I never had the courage to write. Given the chance I'd stay in this chorus forever, where everything ugly in this world is sadly beautiful in our desperate memories") to the title track ("We want a band that plays loud and hard every night. That doesn't care how many people are counted at the door. That would travel one million miles and ask for nothing but a plate of food and a place to rest. They'd strike chords that cut like a knife. It would mean so much more than a t-shirt or ticket stub. They would stop at nothing short of a massacre. Everyone would leave with the memory that there was no place else in the world and this was where they always belonged"). The entire album captures what every young outcast feels. The EP "The Disco Before the Breakdown" (AKA: The Single Best EP EVER!) then gave us three amazing songs, including Tonight We're Gonna Give it 35%, which at various points in my life has been the best song ever written by anyone, ever.

In hindsight, now that Against Me! is on a major label, their production is glossed up, and people know who they are, songs like Baby, I'm An Anarchist and Reinventing Axl Rose have hurt their credibility with the punk scene, because they've changed their opinions and musical style so much. No more acoustic guitars and screamed vocals, no more songs about playing basement shows and feeling out of place. But first, there was "...As the Eternal Cowboy," which plugged AM! into an amp and turned that amp up to about 30. "Cowboy" is an amazing punk rock album that starts with the headbanging right out of the gate and continues that momentum to the end, even though a couple of pretty breather songs.

The next album, Searching for a Former Clarity, was the album that first started to divide their fan base. To me, it's a sprawling masterpiece that is the most diverse set they've put to tape to this day. Not every song works (Justin), but most do, and some (the title track, Violence, Even At Our Worst, etc) are some of the best songs they've made. But it's a rock album, not a punk album, and the "scene" started getting worried.

The "scene" left when they heard "New Wave," the first major label release. Partly, I can't blame them. The anarcho-punks who screamed against the system were now a part of it, so the kids who care more about ethos than music had to bail. And partly, I can't blame them because the music wasn't as good. There were a couple absolute winners (New Wave, Thrash Unreal), but overall the quality of songs here isn't as strong. I don't think anyone's going to be counting Piss and Vinegar or Americans Abroad amongst the great songs that this band has done. Another concerning thing about the album is that lyrically it's pretty weak. They did songs about the music business on Clarity, and they retread that theme here to less effect.

Which brings me to today. Going into "White Crosses" my expectations were low. Having listened to it constantly since yesterday afternoon, I am pretty much blown away. It explodes out of the gates with "White Crosses" and "I Was A Teenage Anarchist," both chorus heavy songs, but both faster and harder and more straightforward than the majority of "New Wave." Then - a piano - and my heart sinks, until the guitars kick in and Because of the Shame blasts out at me and it's one of the single best songs AM! has ever done. An emotionally honest and touching song about going to an ex-girlfriend's funeral and the memories it brings back. Suffocation follows, and it's a pretty straightforward rock song with a simple chorus, but it works. We're Breaking Up is a forgettable mid tempo ballad that would have been better left off. High Pressure Low picks things back up for another straightforward rocker before Ache With Me takes us into a middle of the road acoustic jam. Spanish Moss then rocks, and Rapid Decompression becomes the hardest song they've done since Cowboy. Bamboo Bones as the closer deserves its own sentence, because it is the most inspirational song AM! have done in years, and maybe one of the ten best songs they've ever written ("What god doesn’t give to you, you’ve got to go and get for yourself").

There are also four bonus tracks on my album that are all good additions, and really should have replaced We're Breaking Up and Ache With Me on the album proper. "White Crosses" really surprised me. The middle sags a bit, but it is a far, far stronger effort than "New Wave." The production is too polished for a punk rock band, but then, this isn't really a punk band anymore, and the music sounds very "full." Lyrically and musically it's a step up from "New Wave," and I find my love and admiration for these guys renewed in full. Well done.

2010-06-07T14:13:00.001-06:00

So I had Crazy Heart from Netflix for about a month and finally decided I’d watch it. Here’s my review: It’s The Wrestler, except instead of Mickey Rourke as a washed up wrestler, it stars Jeff Bridges as a washed up country singer. Instead of Rourke trying to reconnect with his young daughter, Bridges tries to find love with a young reporter. And… that’s about it. Bridges was very good, just like Rourke was. The movie was deliberately paced and not a lot happened, just like in The Wrestler. The end actually had a resolution, kind of, unlike The Wrestler, which really didn’t. So, in the end, if you want to make a movie that will win you acclaim and get your lead actor an award, cast an older actor in a role where he has to play a washed up (insert profession here), have him try to create a relationship with a younger woman (lover, daughter, whatever works), have two or three bad things happen, and then end the movie on a note of redemption (but not too strong, just enough to make you feel like maybe there’s a reason he shouldn’t put a bullet through his brain quite yet).

I got a few new CDs over the weekend. A couple albums by Metric (Grow Up and Blow Away, Live it Out), Anchors Aweigh by The Bouncing Souls, Boys and Girls in America by The Hold Steady, and Good Views, Bad News by Broadway Calls. Here are my thoughts: Metric consistently has really cool album art. The Bouncing Souls album is surprisingly punky, where for some reason I was under the impression it was going to be less punky. Yes, I know they’re a punk band. The Hold Steady are a strange band but I like them. I can’t decide if I like this one or Stay Positive better though. Broadway Calls takes me back to a simpler time, when I would listen to poppy punk rock on a sunny day, and I really like it. It also features the catchiest song about Obama’s election that has ever been written, “Election Day,” which effectively takes me back to when we were all swept up in Obama fever and the history that was made when he was elected. That was before he became president and we all went “Meh.” But yeah, “Election Day” has really been stuck in my head for three days now, and I want it out.

Cam and I went to see The Black Keys at the Fillmore last Thursday, and this is what I thought about it: The opening act was called Brian Olive. Which makes you think that it will be a guy named Brian Olive playing an acoustic guitar and singing, or something. Well, we did get Brian Olive, and he did play a guitar and sing, but he also had a backing band of FIVE PEOPLE. So this guy has the nerve to go on tour as a six piece and not even mention the fact that he has a lead guitarist, an acoustic guitarist, a drummer, a keyboardist, and a bass player backing him up. I feel like he should at least go on tour as The Brian Olive Band, or The Brian Olives. There’s just something about guys named Brian, though, I guess. Anyway, they started off okay, but the third song was the slowest, most boring song any band has ever dared play live, and they never really recovered from that. The female backing vocals were annoying, but it did give the girls a chance to shake every instrument that is allowed to be shaken (two kinds of tambourine, maracas, a couple kinds of sticks and rattles), and play a keyboard that you blow into, whatever the hell that was.

Also, for those of you who’ve never been to the Fillmore in Denver, let me describe it as a big empty room with a stage in the front. Technically there are raised portions along the side, and a balcony WAAAAAY back in the back, but if you want to be able to see, you have to stand on the floor, which is great for the seven foot tall monsters that feel like they have to stand in the front of the crowd, but not so great for me. I can never really see at the Fillmore. Every other venue in town has different levels, and since we usually get to concerts early, I can go stand at the front of a level and be able to see over people. Not here. I do not like the Fillmore. On the plus side, there was a girl standing next to me who kept asking everyone who came by for weed, which really amused me. Eventually her friend was able to con some horny guy into giving them some weed. They promptly smoked it and disappeared, leaving the guy behind. Nice.

Anyway, The Black Keys were really good. The band is two people, drums and guitar/vocals. They make an astonishing amount of noise for being two guys, and that guitarist can really shred. It’s deceptively good guitar, as it’s not all technical solos, but goes from ambient to riffs to solos effortlessly. Cam described it as like “water” and I think that’s a good way to put it. It flows all over you. People were swaying and dancing all over. The drummer looks like he’s in excruciating pain the whole time, and looks like a freakishly tall and stretched out version of Christopher Mintz Plasse (McLovin). He also looks like he really hates the drums and is trying to beat them to death with sticks. They rocked through about every song I wanted to hear in a nice long set. The only issue was, strangely, with the new album material. The new album on record is really strong, but it requires more than two people to play live. This causes two problems. First, they have to play the new material in a long “new album” segment, where they bring two other people on stage for a group of new songs. This is the only time they play the new stuff, and as such it keeps it from integrating into the rest of the set. Second, the two other instruments (bass and keyboard) actually take away from their sound. It muddles together and distracts from the guitar and drums. The new songs really lacked the energy that the two-piece songs had, which is a shame, because I really do like the new album. Overall though, it was a solid show, and I got to see my friend Sarai there, which was a nice treat.

2010-06-06T13:00:00.001-06:00

Here's a post that, if I still updated it, I would've put on my That's Fucked Up blog. I'm gong to tell the story backwards, just since it's so weird. Here goes: A guy died falling off a cliff. He died falling off a cliff because he got tased by police officers. He got tased by police officers because he had been "[keeping the police officers] at bay for eight hours." He had been "[keeping the police officers] at bay for eight hours" because he had attacked three of his coworkers. He attacked three of his coworkers with a samurai sword. He had a samurai sword because it was a prop on the set of the movie he was working on. The movie he was working on was a porno.

Yeah. Porn star uses samurai sword to attack three coworkers, flees, stands off with the police, gets tased, and dies. The story, which doesn't offer many other details, is here. And since it's CNN, you can expect all sorts of lucid, well-argued statements in the comments section.

First up, a slew of stupid/crude puns, such as:

Hugh G. Rekshun: This probably wasn't the kind of money shot this poor chap was expecting!!

Those are, for the most part, tasteless and unfunny. Just people mocking somoene's death. Next up, people who apparently have a vendetta against our justice system:

SmarterThanYOU: Another million and a half saved by keeping him out of prison... hey FINALLY learning how to save the states money... Samurai Sword $100. Tazer and batteries $400. Seeing the schmuck fall off the cliff while being electrocuted PRICELESS

Jeff: This should happen more often. No courts, No Jail, NO $$$$$$. California just SAVED over $1,000,000 or more. Give that officer a bonus.

This kind of scare me. They're apparently so fiscally conservative that they're willing to cut spending on things like, you know, trials. Whatever. Next up are cop haters:

Matt: Cops really are complete morons. It's like watching the circus every time I see a video of the bumbling idiots. Cops in the United States are completely out of control, militarized, roided up, and psychotic. Honestly, I think the answer is to get some new, non-military minds involved in policing and make being a police officer an elite accomplishment. If we're going to have people making life and death decisions they should be paid well, educated, and not from a military background.

Matt [responding to someone who tries to rationalize with Matt]: Oh please save me the over dramatic BS. Seriously. I don't think our forefathers envisioned jack booted gestapo thugs kicking down the doors of people for small amounts of hemp and executing their family dogs in front of 7 year olds. Save it. I'm not an idiot, you can't spew you're "going home to their kids", or "brave men and women" ridiculous rhetoric at me. You can't pull the wool over my eyes.

kelley: Give someone a badge and a little power and look what they do with it ...

Let the sweeping generalizations begin! But if all cops are pigs, what are all Californians?

vinnie R: Another one of the loose people of California meets an appropriate end. Serves him right!

Patrick: Just desserts.

peter: and hore mongers and fornicators will God judge...the bible

Oh, right. Godless, amoral heathens.

Look. I like cops. I have a friend who's one. Maybe that's why I show them a bit more empathy. They're not perfect -- far from it, in some cases. But you can't go around hating all police. That's ridiculous. They also do good work, too. Again, maybe because I happen to live in New York and they've had some good PR recently. Some of them may bust kids for doing pot, which is dumb, but they're also doing meaningful work, too.

And can we please leave religion out of this, for once? Jesus. I didn't plan on tackling the issue of pornography when I started this off, but hell, here goes: Porn is a part of our society. It's lucrative. People like it. Therefore, it's not going anywhere. If you don't like it, that's cool. Porn can definitely be degrading to women. But not all porn is evil. There's stuff I don't like, sure, but I know to avoid it. So why does everyone else who doesn't like porn have such a problem doing the same? (Boom! Blatant generalization while dismissing people who make blatant generalizations? Well done, Brian!)

This is long and rambly and I don't know if I ever made a point. But here's what I'll leave you with: Some voices of reason from the comments section of the article.

Its Da Poleece: It's only a short story right now while the details haven't been released. Once we find out what the coworkers were discussing before he snapped, find out if he had been having problems with his coworkers, or in other aspects of his life, we'll find out more. And why the hell is the word "karma" being thrown around, like we know what prompted this assault? Thank God you people are NOT the judicial system throwing around the word 'guilty' and 'karma' and 'poetic justice'.

Kevin: Once again CNN opens up a story for commentary that there is no discernable reason for it. Only to further evidence the idiocy of the general population which winds up being fun for all I guess . CNN show a little class(tall order I know) and exercise a little discretion in what stories warrant public comment.

Then, of course, three responses to Kevin:

Ryan: who the hell are you or anyone else to decide which stories can be commented on? are you communist or something?

kelley: Yes your highness!!!!

Matt: Cop, I can smell you from here.

2010-06-03T11:42:00.003-06:00

To further add to the "this blog isn't about TV shows, but we're gonna talk about TV shows a helluva lot" (Firefox's spell check is super cool with "helluva," by the way, but still not "Barack" or "Obama." WTF?), what's up with America's Got Talent? I've never seen this show, but apparently I'm missing out on THE MOST AMAZING TV EVER. I've seen a few commercials for a few different seasons, and each promo features the judges with near-teary eyes, mouths agape, and saying how "that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen." Hey, judges: The compliment kind of loses its effect when every single thing you see is the most amazing thing you've ever seen.

But, moreover, why do we even need a show called America's Got Talent? It's the whole Susan Boyle thing all over again. (Did I talk about that before? Or Adam? I've forgotten.) You mean that people from diverse/adverse backgrounds also possess some demonstrable skill? But that can't be! They're just supposed to be poor and stupid and sterile (if only!). Any time I meet someone who's different from me, I immediately assume they have absolutely nothing worth contributing to society. And certainly not a skill of some sort. God, no.

Look. It's cool that you're showcasing how people are neat in their own ways. But come on, do we really need to make a show out of it? Or a contest? (It is a contest, right?) But hey, I'm clearly not part of their target audience, so they probably don't care.

So that's the bad TV. As for the good TV, I've started watching Party Down, which is streaming on Netflix. Pretty funny show. Not amazingly hysterical, but funny. Some great guest stars, too. The 25 minutes go by very quickly. So check out a few episodes -- that's my recommendation.

My goal this summer is to read Infinite Jest. I really think I can do it. I'm attempting Nabokov's Pale Fire first, as a warm-up. It's going well so far. Liked the Forward and the poem itself, now it's on to the Commentary. I'm expecting it to get really weird and wacky soon. "Weird and wacky." I'm sure that made the book's dust-cover blurb.

2010-05-27T09:25:00.001-06:00

Not to make this a TV show blog, but my American Idol experiment has ended, and I have to say, I’m not impressed. People tell me I should have seen earlier seasons, but I didn’t, so yeah. Let’s start at the beginning.

In the beginning, there are months and months (maybe not) of audition episodes, where a few good singers, a lot of mediocre singers, and several horrible singers parade themselves in front of the judges in order to get a golden ticket. This is fun for about two episodes before everyone starts sounding the same. The bad singers stop being funny, mostly because you know they just showed up to get on TV. They can’t possibly think they can sing, and their badly acted tantrums when told they can’t sing aren’t funny after about the third one you see. Because we only get back stories for a few people a show, it’s hard to care about most of the people who show up, especially since many of them look and sound the same. Also, it’s impossible for the judges to look at hundreds of thousands of contestants, simply because there’s not enough time in the day, so the ones we see in these “audition” rounds have already auditioned for various groups of producers, and those who don’t have an interesting enough story or good enough looks are sent packing because they wouldn’t make good TV. Sure, it’s supposed to be a talent show, but who wants to watch a boring, unattractive person with an amazing voice when we could see hideously ugly people or continue to enforce the rules that in order to be a pop star in this country, you have to be pretty?

So after what seems like an eternity, we’ve shuffled through all the audition episodes and we go to Hollywood, which is where we’re bombarded with episode after episode of subpar singers taking the stage for a few seconds. Again, we don’t get to know anyone, because there are still hundreds of contestants here. There’s a karaoke bar right by my house I could go to to have a better time if I wanted to watch people with fine voices sing. We’re shown a few heartbreaking clips of the girl whose grandma has Alzheimer’s or the guy who was in a car accident and hurt his leg a little (yeah, the stories are always played up with dramatic music but they’re not always really interesting), and sometimes they’re sent home because they can’t sing. Then there’s this thing called “group sing” which is where like five people get on stage together and do a bad New Kids on the Block routine. Anyway, somehow the judges cut down this group to like 24 or something, and then we go to the next round.

Amazingly, the top 24 are still bad. You’d think that if you seriously held hundreds of thousands of auditions, you might be able to come up with 24 people who can do a pretty damn good job singing. You’d be wrong! Anyway, now they get to sing some more bad songs and they get booted off. It’s hard to watch pretty, delusional people cry because they thought they could sing. The judges are still making decisions as to who goes home at this point, so there’s really no reason to watch still, because you have no control over anything that’s going on. So if you liked that dude with the fucking huge ass giant ridiculous chin who thought he was Jim Morrison, I’m sure your heart felt crushed when he went home and you were powerless to do anything but scream and fling things at the TV. The contestants are divided by genders here, and one man and one woman goes home each week so they can ensure that there are six men and six women in the final 12, just in time for the little girls who watch this show to vote off all the girls, I assume in order to eliminate dating competition.

Then we’re down to the final 12, and now we can start voting the prettiest girls and the ugliest guys off. The final 12 is where the show goes from a singing competition to a beauty pageant. Now I know that in seasons past some guys have won like Ruben Studdard and the gray haired fellow who weren’t particularly attractive, and maybe back in those days actual music fans watched the show. But this season you could almost see the tween girls voting over and over to keep the pretty girls away from the pretty boys by eliminating the girls right off the bat. This left Crystal Bowersox, who was by FAR the best singer this season, as the only girl throughout most of the competition. Then we had to sit through weeks of her beating the singing shit out of everyone else as we were forced to say goodbye to the cute little 16 year old, the doe eyed mop haired guy, the muscular black guy, and the cougar bait with the long blond hair, none of whom could really sing particularly well, but all of whom could have been on the cover of Tiger Beat. Now we’re left with Crystal, the living embodiment of a cross between Janis Joplin and Alanis Morissette, and Lee DeWyze, a guy blessed with a cockeyed smile and a natural rocker’s voice. Unfortunately, Lee decided he would sing pussy songs like Fireflies by that guy who sounds exactly like The Postal Service, and a bunch of other “rock” songs that barely have a pulse.

Crystal Bowersox’s song in the finale or whatever, the last singing show, “Up to the Mountain” was amazingly good, by far the best performance of the year, and cemented her as the clear winner in the eyes and ears of music fans all over the country. Unfortunately, not many music fans watch AI, so Lee won because… he… has a goatee, I guess. I guess that’s coming back around. Or it’s because the American public has no taste, as evidenced by the state of music right now. If Lady Gaga is hailed as an innovator because she wears weird outfits, that’s not a good sign for any innovation coming soon, because her music is indistinguishable from anything else that’s been on the radio for the past 20 years. Anyway, now we’ll soon have another Jack Johnson kind of guy on the radio soon in Lee DeWyze, which is a shame because Jack Johnson is SO fucking boring, and Lee really could have a great voice if he had ever been introduced to real rock and roll music growing up. Fortunately, winning this show doesn’t really guarantee you’ll be a bigger star than anyone else on the show, so Crystal will probably put something out too. I’m actually tempted to buy it, I liked her so much. Hopefully losing this show won’t convince her that she needs to drop the folk rock thing and go pop star on us.

Overall, American Idol is a waste of time. The judges say the same thing every week (“Dog,” “It didn’t work for me,” “Sound younger,” “Make it more current,” “It was pitchy,” etc). The audition shows are boring after the first one. The Hollywood Week shows are boring after the first minute, the top 24 is pointless because the public has no say in who stays or goes, and then when the public does vote in the top 12, they pretty consistently vote off the wrong people. It also doesn’t help that there are only three or four people in this group that legitimately have a shot at winning, so that automatically means there are going to be eight weeks of painfully obvious cuts, and they’re not even going to be the first eight cuts, so really the show’s not worth watching until the final episode, when the two best people are left, and even then it’s not worth watching because whichever guy is cuter to the most girls wins. On the plus side, Simon Cowell is gone now so this show will probably be off the air in a couple of years.

2010-05-24T09:54:00.001-06:00

Lost is over and the series finale was a pitch perfect ending to the show we’ve all come to love and hate simultaneously over the years. I can see how the episode would frustrate a lot of people, especially those who spent the series more focused on the island than the characters. It is easy to get wrapped up in the mythology of the show, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that without an outstanding ensemble cast portraying characters we’ve all gotten to know incredibly well over the past six years, the island mythology wouldn’t have been interesting. If the show were full of cardboard cutouts of stereotypes who were discovering all this mystical stuff, the show would have been canceled after the first season. Regardless of what you’ll read from comments about Lost in other places, the show WAS always about the characters. The setting provided an intriguing and different location for the action to take place, and the island itself was basically another character, but when it came time to wrap up the series, it had to be about the characters.

The answers simply weren’t that interesting! People for whatever reason seemed to lose sight of the fact that this was a TV show. They had outlandish expectations for answers, so when we DID find concrete answers, they weren’t satisfied. The whispers being the souls of the dead trapped on the island. Jacob and the Man in Black being regular people with their own problems and insecurities. Adam and Eve being the bodies of Jacob’s brother and mother. The island literally being a cork that keeps evil at bay. The list goes on and on. It seemed like fans of the show expected answers that would blow our minds away and reveal some hidden truth behind the veil of reality. But now, the show is over, and we will never find out where the island came from, who its original protector was, who built the statue, what was up with all the hieroglyphics, why Walt and Aaron were so important, how the magic lighthouse worked, how Jacob learned to be the protector of the island, the science behind the donkey wheel that disappears the island and travels people to Tunisia, what would have happened if the island were “uncorked,” why Desmond could survive cataclysmic electromagnetic events, or tens of other questions. And I assert that it doesn’t matter. Part of the appeal of the show all along was its mystery. To have everything unraveled in such plain terms as they had explained things this season would take away from the mystical aspect of the show and hurt it.

Now that the show is over, I can actually tell people what it was about. Up until last night I had to say something like “Well these people get stuck on an island and all kinds of crazy shit happens to them.” But Lost was the story of an island that needed a protector. The island is a stopper for an evil that, if unleashed upon the world, would end life. There are forces at work on the island that are actively trying to unleash the evil, and the island’s current protector, Jacob, knows his time is coming to an end. He brings a group of people that he has chosen to the island to find his replacement. These people are all flawed, handpicked because their lives off the island are full of sorrow. They crash on the island and learn to survive, and throughout six seasons they grow as people more than perhaps on any other TV show I’ve ever seen. They are oblivious to the reason they were brought to the island for most of the series, though they quickly get a sense that this island is not normal. While we watch the small picture drama in the group play out, the pieces are being moved in the larger game – the search for the island’s new leader. And in the finale, the island finds its new leader. And the show ends. The finale’s on-island plot satisfactorily resolves the main plot of the show.

Now that it’s over, looking back at these characters’ story arcs cements just how amazing the show was. Jack, the doctor, the man of science, who wants more than anything to leave the island and never look back, transforms into a man of faith, willing to become Jacob’s replacement and sacrifice himself for the island.

Ben, the leader of a group of “native” inhabitants of the island, goes from being a lying, manipulative murderer who believes he is next in line for the throne, to a disillusioned and defeated shell of a man, misled into killing Jacob, and back to a place of redemption in the end when he is offered a job as the right hand man of the new island leader.

Every character on the show goes through an unbelievable arc, so much that when you look at these characters now, in the series finale, and look at them then, in the pilot, it’s hard to fathom how far they’ve come. The process of character development was so organic that watching the show you didn’t really notice. Instead, the Sawyer that jumps from a helicopter so that it can safely carry his friends to rescue is the same Sawyer that wouldn’t give sick people medicine three seasons earlier, and it seems natural, not forced. I have never seen a show with such well-rounded, realistic, believable, and fully-developed characters.

I wasn’t thrilled with everything about the series. At times during seasons two and three, the show stalled for time too much. Part of me does want more answers, despite myself. This final season wasted too much time on the “flash-sideways” plot device that was revealed in the finale to be a form of purgatory. While it served as a way to show us the highlights of the past six seasons, it felt, and feels, divorced from the main story on the island, and I don’t honestly think Lost would have lost much by leaving that out. But, in the end, the show was an overwhelming success, and the finale resolved the on-island storyline that we had cared about for so long. Leaving out the flash-sideways and a couple of minor missteps this season, it was a fitting cap on the series as a whole. I’m sad that I’ll never have another new episode of Lost to look forward to, but I’m happy that the series ended on such a high note.

Finally, the direction of this final episode was amazing. In the first shot of the first season, Jack opens his eyes in a field of bamboo, Vincent the dog runs over to him to wake him up, and he finds that his plane has crashed. His whole transformative ordeal is in front of him. Six seasons later, when he has finished sacrificing himself to save the island, he finds himself laying in the same field of bamboo, looking up at the sky. He sees the plane carrying his surviving friends to safety flying overhead, away from the island forever, and he knows his work is finished. Vincent comes and lays next to him, and he closes his eyes. Beautiful.

2010-05-20T10:55:00.002-06:00

Brian here. I'm writing this blog post at the Josh Ritter show. It's Wednesday night and I'm writing it in my notebook. I'll type this up tomorrow. For now, I just want to tell you about The Most Awkward Concert Experience of My Life. First, the show is at Town Hall, a very fancy theatre in Times Square. That means there are seats. I've never been to a concert with assigned seats before. I feel sorry for the musicians, as this setup just doesn't facilitate crowd response and feedback. So, that's the first level of awkward. The awkwardness then gets compounded by the fact that I'm sandwiched between the wall and Mr. and Mrs. Make Out Machines. They started making out about five minutes before the show started. It's now the band's fourth song. They've taken short breaks -- that align with the band's breaks between songs, appropriately enough -- but have been going at it pretty consistently for about 20 minutes now. I don't know what all's going on -- I can see from my periphery that the girl's doing lots of stuff with her hand near/around the guy's upper thigh -- and I'm trying not to look too much. There is no one else in this row. These two, me, and the wall. Awesome. I'm definitely going to move before Josh Ritter comes on, because this is just ridiculously distracting. Oh, and the final level of awkwardness is that I have to write this all in the dark theatre, so who knows how legible it'll be when I look at it tomorrow. My god. This is the most ridiculous concert I've ever been to before.

[Then, later...]

Intermission. Time to scout for a new seat in just a moment. In the meantime, Mr. Make Out has gone away. He's wearing a blue trucker hat. People still wear those? Anyway, instead of relaxing a bit, all I can think of is how weird it feels not having people [insonely?] making out next to me at the moment. Strange how that works. Anyway, lesson learned: Don't go to shows with assigned seats.

So yes, those were my field notes from the show last night. Thankfully, the seat I moved to was much less distracting. I had the entire row to myself. And Josh Ritter put on an amazing performance, so it totally made up for the immense level of awkwardness I had to sit through during the opening band. He played most of the tracks off the new album, as well as great renditions of old songs like "Girl in the War," "Monster Ballads," "Harrisburg," "Right Moves," "Wait for Love," "To the Dogs or Whoever," and several others I can't remember off the top of my head. Oh, and one of the encore songs was a great cover of "Moon River." Good stuff.

2010-05-19T09:07:00.001-06:00

Texas is getting ready to rewrite the history book, literally. They say they’re changing the content of history books to “promote patriotism.” Now I’m no scholar, but it seems to me like the history books should be written to “promote history.” Let’s take a look at their proposed changes, shall we?

-Take Thomas Jefferson out (or at least keep the bastard to a minimum) – Kids, he favored separation of church and state. While that is a principle that this country was founded on, it’s best not to teach kids that, because history has proven that theocracy is the best and fairest form of government, and if we’re ever going to get this godless, sinful country to that point, we’ve got to stop focusing so much on this Jaferson guy, or whatever.

-Talk about the “unintended consequences” of affirmative action – Kids, black people used to work for us for free. They don’t do that anymore, partly because of affirmative action, which makes black people think they deserve the same opportunities as real people! If we ever want to have black people be our… “butlers” again, we better focus on…

-Giving Jefferson Davis the same level of attention as Abraham Lincoln – Kids, at one time, there was a man named Ibrahim Al-Incon, and he was the man responsible for giving black people the notion that they deserve to get paid for their work. At the same time, however, there was another man named Jefferson Davis, a good, strong, Christian man. The country was torn apart – sinners in the North favored treating all people, regardless of their lack of whiteness and Christianity, equal. The South, or the “Real America” favored keeping things the way Jesus intended: white Christians ruling the land with an iron fist. Unfortunately the sinners, aided by Satan himself in the form of Ulysses S Grant (born Hiram Ulysses Grant – please note that you can easily spell “Satan Him Rules Grys” from his name), were able to overcome the pure and decent South, which is one of the main reasons our country suffers the ills that it does today. So, how did black people come to this land in order to be our “helpers?” Well..

-Renaming the slave trade to the "Atlantic triangular trade” – Kids, black people were brought here in the “Atlantic triangular trade.” We all grew up being taught that black people were brought here as slaves to do our bidding for nothing more than enough food to keep them alive long enough to plow our fields, and for us to “plow their fields” if you know what I mean (that Joferston guy sure did). But that was vicious lies, told to us by the liberal media! The black people were apparently brought here in trade for… Atlantic… triangles. That sounds pretty good right? They weren’t slaves, they were just helping us out, because they knew deep in their hearts that we were better than them, and that Jesus, a white Christian man (certainly not an Arab Jew), had given us rule over the animals, which includes black people! Speaking of Jesus…

-Adding language saying the country's Founding Fathers were guided by Christian principles – Kids, we all know that Jesus is the one true way to reach Heaven. We also know that our Founding Fathers (except for that guy Timmy Jeffries or whoever) were Divine Angels sent from On High to speak the True Word of the Lord, which is why now, hundreds of years later, we interpret the Constitution to be God’s Law. Many textbooks in the past have tried to act like the founding fathers were Deists and didn’t want this country to be a Christian nation, using obviously faulty evidence like this excerpt from Article XI of the 1796 Treaty with Tripoli, “…the government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion…” Obviously these liberal dogs didn’t bother to read the rest of the article, which ends tellingly with the word “Psych!”

There are plenty of other changes being made, like eliminating minorities who were important in shaping this country, changing terms like “imperialism” and “capitalism” to “expansionism” and “free market”, including country music and excluding rap music (because we all know country music was the sound of a revolution, while rap music was just some black people talking?), etc. The point is, Texas is once again paving the way for the US to be perceived as giant racist douchebags who think they’re better than everyone else in the world. And now our kids will have proof in their “history” books! I was born there… :(

2010-05-14T11:38:00.002-06:00

I'm 0-2 when it comes to McSweeney's submissions. I'll keep trying, though. Maybe after 10 rejections I'll get the hint. Until then, I'll just keep posting the rejects up on this blog. (The other reject was the fake Barack Obama speech on education -- they seemed to like it, but they would've posted it long after the timely event.) So, for your consideration:

Twitter Shout-Outs to Literary Characters

(Yes, this is something I did a bit of on my Twitter account. But now with five bonus tweets!)

@HoldenCaulfield: Stop being an emo waif. “If you really want to hear about it”? All I wanna hear is the sound of my first on your face. Best, BK.

@JayGatsby: Dude. Get the fuck over her, old sport. For real. Your other neighbor, BK.

@Heathcliff: Talk about having a bigger-picture mentality – whoa! We’re still friends, right? Your pal (right?), BK.

@HumbertHumbert: @Lolita is my niece, man. Would appreciate it if you toned down the creeper vibe. Thanks, BK.

@HesterPrynne: You saucy minx. Let's grab drinks next time you're in town. I'll call up @Desdemona and who knows... XO, BK.

In reply to @Othello: Whoa, dude, chill. I didn't mean anything by that. She's just a friend. Seriously. No harm. Your bro, BK.

@BigBrother: Thanks for being my first follower! But you’re not going to use this stuff against me, right? That’d be doubleplusungood. BK.

@OedipusRex: Thanks for the warning about CougarLife.com. Sorry about your eyes. Must've been quite a MILF, though. Fondly, BK.

2010-05-06T14:06:00.002-06:00

Exciting events coming up in May:

--Ricky Gervais on the 12th at Madison Square Garden
--Josh Ritter on the 19th at Town Hall
--Maybe seeing a new off-Broadway play with John Larroquette sometime

Exciting, yes? Speaking of music, it seems like there's been a slew of good music coming out recently. Let me see if I can list it all in similar dash-format:

--She and Him's Volume 2
--Joey Cape and Jon Snodgrass' Liverbirds
--Josh Ritter's So Runs the World Away
--The New Pornographers' Together
--Minus the Bear's Omni
--The National's High Violet
--Band of Horses' Infinite Arms

And that's just the past month, I think. This is the most I've kept up with new music in a long time, and it's exhausting. Fun and entertaining and fulfilling, but exhausting. I haven't listened to The National's or Band of Horses' albums, I'm just expecting good stuff considering their oeuvre. Oeuvre. That's a cool word. Good for hangman, too, in case you're wondering.

Can I talk about The New Pornographers for a quick second? I don't know what it is about this band, but I just cannot get myself to get into them. They have the workings of an indie super-band (because they are), yet I don't really like their albums. I like certain cuts off the albums, but not the entire thing. My favorite New Pornographers release would be a mix tape of 2-3 songs per album. Maybe I should do that. But when I try to listen to an entire 45-minute record by them, I start losing interest pretty fast. Does this happen to anyone else? And I love me some Neko Case, too, so I don't like disparaging her work. Alas.

I'm reading another Murakami novel. Sputnik Sweetheart. I'm ready to distill the plot of every Murakami novel I've read into three sentences: A first-person male narrator, your average joe, falls in love with a girl. There's some sort of complication (herein lies the difference in his novels) so that he cannot be with the girl. In the end, he doesn't get the girl. That's the formula. Yet I continue reading them anyway.

Okay. It's a nice day. Enjoy it.

2010-05-03T12:10:00.000-06:00

So, you've probably heard about the bomb scare in Times Square, right? It was Saturday. I was actually downtown on Saturday. I was just walking around, enjoying the weather. Went from Penn Station to the Staten Island Ferry. Quite a walk, for you non-New Yorkers. Anyway, I wasn't actually in Times Square at all on Saturday, so I had no idea anything was going on until I read the news Sunday morning. Still, it's a little unnerving. I've always known in the back of my mind that there's a potential for a terrorist attack, but it's not really something I think about. It's pointless to worry about something that might maybe potentially happen. I love this city. I love the subway. I love the crowds and the bustle and the energy. And I'm not about to stop loving any of those things less just because there's a risk involved with living here. The chance of something catastrophic happening is incredibly slim. I certainly hope we can avoid another tragic event, but, if one does happen, and if I happen to die as a result of that, that'd be fine. Because at least I had the opportunity to live here, in the best place I've ever lived. So, to all the people trying to scare us: fuck you. It's not going to work. It's not worth it go through life afraid, regardless of where you live.

2010-04-30T09:23:00.001-06:00

Adam: First of all, that story is crazy. I think that would really freak me out, if someone tried to open my door while I was sleeping. Not cool.

Second, (and most importantly), you've read about this Bad Astronaut mini-tour, yes? A whopping four dates, all in California? I've always thought it was a bit much, people coming from other parts of the country just for a show, but I'd be willing to make the trek for Bad Astronaut. What about you? If we could get tickets, would you be willing to go out to California? Either do a little road trip from Denver, or just meet up there? What do you say? Dates are (in case you haven't seen them) July 8-11.

Okay. That's about it for now. Oh, good news: That Octavia Butler book, Dawn, the last book I have to read this semester? It's actually pretty decent. For sci-fi, it's pretty good. The cringes have been kept to a minimum, which is nice. All right. It's Friday. Holla.

2010-04-28T11:35:00.001-06:00

Once upon a time, last night at about midnight, I woke to hear a pounding on my door. It went knock knock. Then it went pound pound. Then the handle turned and someone tried to come in. So after laying in bed for five minutes waiting for whoever it was to go away, I decided to get up and check it out. Through my peephole I saw a skinny, pale girl crying. My first thought, the good guy that I am, was that this girl might have been attacked or raped or something and might need help. I opened the door.

Through vacant eyes she told me she thought this was her apartment. I told her no, this is my apartment. I was fairly certain about this since all my stuff is in it, and I was sleeping there. She wasn’t convinced. After an uncomfortable pause during which she tried to find words, she asked if this was the apartment that I had been assigned. I think she confused apartments with parking spaces. After I told her that I guess I was “assigned” this apartment (meaning I came here an signed a lease for this apartment), there was another silence. At this point I began to become aware that this girl was holding herself uncomfortably, and the thought occurred to me that she was probably on drugs, and something harder than weed. She had been knocking and looking scared and crying because her dealer wasn’t opening the door to give her her next fix. She was coming down.

Last week after the Avett Brothers show I shared an elevator ride with a couple who I’m pretty sure were going to my floor for drugs. The girl in the elevator had the same look – sunken eyes, thin, green tinted skin. They asked me if I was going to Cole’s (which I took as Kohl’s, and subsequently wondered why I’d be going to Kohl’s at 12:30am and why these people would pick that store to ask me about). After I looked at them with a puzzled expression, they said “Oh, do you live here?” That was the first time I started to wonder if I had a drug dealer around the corner.

Anyway, last night, after several questions that seemed aimed at getting me to admit I was a dealer, the tweaker girl apologized for bothering me and wandered off. I laid in bed wide awake, my heart pounding. When the handle on the door turns and someone tries to come in when the door’s locked, the door still moves. The way everything in the apartment is so cheaply made, it’s not hard for me to imagine that if someone really shoved to get in, they could bust through. And if I’m going to have coke heads and tweakers stopping by in a rage as they come down, that’s not that hard to imagine happening. I’ve stationed golf clubs around the apartment to use to bust some heads if someone comes in, but I doubt my flabby golf club swings will do much to stop a raging meth head.

Just as I was drifting back to sleep, I heard the doorknob turn and someone try to shoulder her way into my apartment again. Then it was quiet. If this happens again, I’m asking to be released from my lease so I can go live somewhere that actually cares about the safety of its tenants.

Real quick, Arizona. Really? I agree that something needs to be done about illegal immigrants, especially down there (I’ve been there, I’ve seen it, it’s not pretty). But giving cops the license to harass anyone who doesn’t look like they just came back from the local KKK meeting is not the way to do it. Cops are terrible people. The last thing these power tripping megalomaniacs needs is license to discriminate against anyone they want to without any cause other than “suspicious behavior.”

2010-04-26T12:12:00.002-06:00

Here's the Avett Brothers setlist from last Tuesday. Solid. And, it was almost completely different from the last time I saw them, which is cool. A lot of bands kind of have the set songs from their old albums that they play, but it seems like these guys switch it up a good amount. I Killed Sally's Lover rocked. I could have done without Yardsale or Bella Donna, and replaced them with two better songs from the Gleams, but whatever.

A CAROLINA JUBILEE:
Love Like the Movies
I Killed Sally's Lover

MIGNONETTE:
Swept Away
The New Love Song

FOUR THIEVES GONE:
The Fall (opener)
Colorshow
Denouncing November Blue

THE GLEAM:
Yardsale

EMOTIONALISM:
Shame
Salina

THE SECOND GLEAM:
Bella Donna (encore)

I AND LOVE AND YOU:
I and Love and You
January Wedding
Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise
Kick Drum Heart
Tin Man
Incomplete and Insecure (closer)
Laundry Room (encore and awesome)

They also played two new songs, both of which featured the banjo and no piano! I think they're new, anyway. I have all their albums and I don't have these two songs. They were both really good, so here's hoping there's a little more banjo on this next album.

2010-04-23T11:49:00.002-06:00

Let's talk books. It's been a while since we've discussed the topic. I haven't had to read as many novels for my classes this semester, but the books I have had to read have been -- to put it mildly -- atrocious. Abominations. Abhorrent. Maybe a fourth "a" word that's equally as bad. That's how bad they've been.

Okay, so they're not THAT bad, but they're not that good, either. The problem is, coming off the tails of last semester's Nearly Perfect Reading List, the stuff I've had to read this semester pales in comparison. To note:

Frank Norris' The Octopus: The first book assigned this semester, we were supposed to read this 500-something page novel in one week. Yeah, right. It's a turn-of-the-century novel about the railroad companies railroading helpless Californian farmers. Kind of like an early-20th century The Wire. Except, instead of being cool like The Wire, it's just needlessly verbose and super slow. (Though, I guess critics of The Wire would say the same thing.) If Norris had chopped 200 pages from the final draft, I might've liked this one a lot more than I did.

William Faulkner's "The Bear": Yeah, it's Faulkner, and yeah, it's cool, but can a brother get a "What the fuck?" when it comes to that fourth section? I actually thought it was the most interesting part of the story, albeit the most confusing. Still, this is not a story you can read on the subway. Don't try it. You won't understand anything. (Assuming you'll actually comprehend something even under the best reading circumstances.)

Barbara Kingsolver's Prodigal Summer: The setting of this novel is somewhere in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. Thus, I enjoyed the rural/Southern nods to the wilderness or places like Krogers. What I did not enjoy was the plodding pace of the story and the extremely irritating crotchety-old-man character. I know we're not supposed to like him, but Jesus. I just wanted to skip any section he was in, because I knew something he would think or say would piss me off. (I brought this book along with me on my trip to Denver. Two observations: One, I told Adam I wasn't a fan and showed him the cover. He said, "Yeah, I could've told you that." Two, when I ordered the book used online, I happened to get a large-print edition. That's cool, except for the fact that there are lots of sex scenes in the book. This made me feel very uncomfortable reading the book in public -- at the airport, on the plane, on the subway -- when people could easily glance over and read the 89-point font.)

Barbara Gowdy's The White Bone: This was the breaking point for me. I couldn't stand this book. One of the most frustrating things I've ever had to read in my life. I felt that every minute I spent reading this book was a minute I could've better spent doing anything else. Here's the deal: I think Gowdy has an interesting idea here -- telling a story from the point-of-view of a pack of African elephants. Cool. Unfortunately, this idea gets completely marred through its execution. There are WAY too many characters, all with bizarre names that make it incredibly hard to picture/differentiate one from another. Gowdy creates a pseudo-elephant language that requires the use of a six-page glossary. And, to me, anyway, it's just NOT THAT INTERESTING. Look, I'm not a fan of harvesting elephant tusks for ivory. That's fucked up. I don't need to read a novel from the point-of-view of elephants to know that. Nor do I need to read a novel from the point-of-view of elephants to know that they are intelligent, loyal creatures with their own kinship and customs. They're elephants -- they're fucking awesome. So it's a cool idea, I just don't quite see the utility in it, I suppose. (Edit: I just wanted to include a lovely excerpt from the novel to give you a sense of what it's like: "As he hurried along, his engorged penis bumped splashing on the ground... 'I am the biggest bull,' he murmured. She did not move. 'You are as fat as a water-boulder...'")

I have one more novel to go for this class -- Octavia Butler's Dawn. It's Sci-Fi, not my favorite genre in the world. I'm only 40 pages in, but so far it's been all right. The best book yet. But maybe that's because it's coming right after one of the most frustrating reading experiences I've ever had in my life. We'll see how it pans out.

To keep my sanity, I've been doing fun reading on the side: I'm re-reading Amy Hempel's Collected Stories; my sister got me an awesome book called Who Would Win?, one of those party-books to spark discussion; I also found a cheap used copy of The Complete Calvin and Hobbes, so I'm re-reading those comics. Thank god for good writing.

2010-04-21T13:32:00.002-06:00

Record Store Day is like my own personal Christmas, except I buy myself presents, and the only fat guy in funny clothes is me. For those of you who don't know (which knowing the readership of this thing is no one), Record Store Day is that one magical day a year when bands put out super limited releases that are only available in independent record stores. So basically, it's for huge nerds to make themselves feel good about owning rare music in these precious few years we have left before the only way to buy music is online at iTunes.

Record Store Day was this past Saturday, and I was in Detroit, so I had Des pick me up some things. For CD's, I got a couple live albums from Manchester Orchestra and RX Bandits, and Weezer's "Raditude...Happy Record Store Day," which at five songs long (a song featuring Kenny G, a song featuring Sara Bareilles, a Green Day cover, an acoustic Buddy Holly, and a live Pinkerton song) is infinitely better than the actual Raditude. Then I got a John Lennon singles bag, which features better packaging than music, a 7" where Bon Iver and Peter Gabriel cover a song of each other's, a cool little two song Ted Leo 7" with two unreleased B-sides from the new album, a live Jimi Hendrix album, and a 7" from Against Me! that features an acoustic version of I Was a Teenage Anarchist that makes me think this new album is going to be very very polished and hook-heavy.

The best and most interesting release I got was The Mountain Goats DVD version of The Life of the World to Come. The CD was on my top 10 albums list last year, and this DVD features just John on the piano or guitar and playing the album in the auditorium of the school that he went to as a kid. It's a really cool idea, and the packaging is great, featuring a paragraph by John describing each song. During the song Matthew 25:21, one of the most emotionally devastating songs I've ever heard, his voice cracks with tears at the end, and it's really something special.

I think iTunes and the internet have killed music buying. You can get anything you want with a click of the mouse from basically any band. There's a special place in my memory for the years I spent hunting out the music that I found myself liking. I used to hunt out compilation CDs and find bands that I liked, then send off mailorder cards to the label with a money order, then waiting three weeks and finding a package filled with CDs.

I don't think I can explain it, but I can remember the feel of the packaging, the smell when I ripped it open, the sight of those CDs filling it up. I liked the stamp in the corner that told me that someone at this little record label personally filled this thing up with the music I wanted, stamped it, and wrote my name on it with a Sharpie. I felt a connection to music then. The search for new bands was exciting and difficult. The music was sent from a label that really cared - sometimes I would get a note thanking me for checking them out. Now I get on Lala and listen to everything in the world, then get on Amazon, buy whatever I want, and a week later get that standard Amazon box. It's much easier, but it's not the same. I honestly don't think kids from now on will be able to feel the connection that I felt back then to the music. Back then you really had to try to be into music that isn't popular. Now you just have to like the clothes.

2010-04-15T08:47:00.003-06:00

Happy Birthday to Brian! Brian Kim was born in a small village on the outskirts of Kiltimagh, Ireland on this day back in 1941. He worked with his 14 siblings on a goat ranch growing up, and was named Miss Goat Ranch Kiltimagh in 1957. He was an accomplished goat cheeser and left Ireland for the US in 1959. He learned to speak real English at the Saint Mary's School for the Blind, and subsequently became a Buddhist monk. He lived in silence and secrecy and celibacy (not by choice) until 1988, when he met me and his life changed forever. Now Mr. Kim is a New Yorker, and his sour demeanor and giant middle finger have helped him become one of New York's most prominent graduate students. Let's all wish Mr. Miss Goat Ranch Kiltimagh 1957 Brian Kim a Happy Birthday!

I saw Lucero the other day. I think I might have seen them too much too fast, since Cam and I just went and saw them a couple months ago when they were here. And that show was better. This one the sound was just muddy. Still good though. Shooter Jennings' band Heirophant was first and they were okay for like 30 minutes, but they played for 90 FUCKING MINUTES! Opening bands, please note: You should shoot for 30 minutes. If you're a well known band, you can get away with 45. But nobody paid to see you play an hour and a half set, so don't waste our time. We put up with opening bands. We really want to see Lucero. Lucero played a very solid setlist, which included these songs:

ATTIC TAPES + BONUS STUFF
-Kiss the Bottle

LUCERO
-Drink Till We're Gone
-All Sewn Up (closer, as always)
-Wasted
-It Gets the Worst at Night (awesome, don't know if I've seen them do this one before)

TENNESSEE
-Sweet Little Thing (awesome)
-Slow Dancing (awesome)
-Nights Like These (awesome... I love this album)
-I'll Just Fall (awesome)

THAT MUCH FURTHER WEST
-That Much Further West
-Joining the Army
-Tears Don't Matter Much

NOBODY'S DARLINGS
-Bikeriders
-Sixteen
-Hold Me Close
-Last Night In Town
-The War

REBELS, ROGUES, AND SWORN BROTHERS
-What Else Would You Have Me Be?
-I Can Get Us Out of Here

1372 OVERTON PARK
-Smoke
-Sounds of the City (opener, for the second time in a row)
-Can't Feel a Thing
-The Devil and Maggie Chascarillo
-Sixes and Sevens
-Goodbye Again
-Darken My Door
-Mom

BEN SOLO
-The Last Pale Light in the West
-Some song about Colorado I've never heard before

While there are songs that I wish they would have played again (Chain Link Fence, My Best Girl, What Are You Willing to Lose? [which for some reason they haven't played either time I've seen them touring on this album], etc), it's hard to argue with that setlist. A ton of songs, representing every album, and really no songs that I don't particularly like. If only the sound in the Bluebird had been as good as the last time I saw them.

2010-04-08T09:35:00.003-06:00

Bob McDonnell, local asshat and Virginia's governor, recently named April as Confederate History Month. Now, okay. The Civil War is an incredibly important time in America's history. Probably the most important time. (I can say that since I'm not an historian.) The South was upset that the North was interfering with its (fucked-up) system of economics. Something happened at Fort Sumter, Abe Lincoln gave the Emancipation Proclamation (which didn't actually free slaves, remember!), and some other stuff happened. (Again, not an historian.) In the end, the Reconstruction South was a mess, but things changed. Kind of, sort of. Took a hundred years -- and even then things weren't perfect -- but the Civil War is an amazing story of the Confederacy rebelling from the rest of the country, losing, re-unifying with the nation, and a whole group of people who didn't possess any human rights suddenly becoming free, autonomous individuals. It's a serious "America, fuck yeah!" moment.

But that's the Civil War. Not the Confederacy. Regardless of what else they stand for, the Confederacy will always - always - be tied to slavery. The Confederate States of America were all about the right to own slaves. And they wanted so badly to maintain the institution of slavery that they declared war against their own country. But they lost. And if you're at the losing-end of a war, you don't really get to act all nostalgic about it later. It's like the Japanese getting sentimental about World War II. It doesn't work that way.

So my question to Bob McDonnell is: Why "Confederate History Month"? Why not "Civil War History Month"? (Aside from the more awkward-sounding name, that is.) Let's talk about the Civil War. Let's talk about oppression and slavery and racism and how the South lost and had to revoke all of those fucked-up systems. Let's talk about a dissenting group of Americans who felt the rest of the country was running wild under a tyrannical leader, rose up, and lost. Let's especially talk about the losing part.

(On a related note, does anyone find people from the South who are way into the Confederacy kind of off-putting? The people with the Confederate flag bumper stickers? I mean, you don't see people from the North with bumper stickers of Union flags. And they won.)

2010-04-07T14:22:00.002-06:00

Bristol Palin's at it again. She's encouraging teens to not have sex until they're married. Look, forget about how obviously retarded and ineffective abstinence is. Think of all the things your parents told you not to do. How many of those things did you not do? I mean sure, I never tried cocaine or heroin, but in general, parents telling kids not to do something is as effective as the rhythm method of birth control. Which is to say, not effective.

What I'm sick of, and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, is people who get caught doing something bad then going and telling other people not to do that. Bristol Palin only wants kids to not have sex because she got caught having sex by getting pregnant. This is like Tiger Woods telling people not to cheat on their wives, or Mel Gibson telling people that drinking is dangerous, or Jesse James telling people it wouldn't be a good idea to be a tattoo-model banging, sex addicted neo-Nazi.

If Bristol Palin had a brain in her head instead of in her vagina, she would have been on birth control or using condoms or an IUD or any of the other hundred incredibly easy ways to not get pregnant. Then she could have been fucking her 17 year old brains out with her boyfriend and enjoying every wonderful second of it with absolutely no consequences. If that had happened, she would not have all of a sudden come to the realization that teenagers shouldn't have sex. Just like if Gibson, Woods, or James hadn't gotten caught doing their horrible things, they wouldn't have gone to rehab. Sure, Tiger Woods has a mistress in every state, but he's not addicted to sex until someone catches him. Same with all these other famous people.

Bottom line: Sex is fun. Everyone should do it. As much as possible. Safely. It's not that hard. That's what she said. Nobody should listen to anything Bristol Palin says because she's an idiot and her baby is named Trigg. If she has more kids in the future, she should name them Calc and Algebra.

Also, Sarah Palin is super lame. She used that failed vice presidential bid to become a celebrity. Wait a minute... doesn't she have like 8 kids? Does anyone else see a Sarah Palin and whatever her weird secessionist husband's name is Plus 8 coming out any time soon? Maybe a Dancing With the Stars turn next season? I personally can't wait until a few years down the road when she's on Celebrity Rehab trying to recover from her gay hooker meth addiction.

2010-04-02T11:40:00.001-06:00

I thought that making something illegal completely prevented that something from ever happening. But it is illegal for priests to molest boys, but it seems like it happens quite a bit. Which begs the question: Why are gay pedophiles attracted to the priesthood? Strangely, I haven’t heard this question asked in the lame stream media. Instead, people are asking “Why don’t we let priests get married?” Now, I haven’t done any research to back this up, but why would the ability to get married make gay pedophiles stop molesting children? I mean, gay pedophiles outside of the church are free to marry (as long as they marry women, which I’m pretty sure is what the priest marriage folks are suggesting, not that gay marriage that would undermine the family unit and harm children), but they still molest kids.

Follow me here. You’re a heterosexual man or woman. You want to marry a person of the opposite sex. But alas, opposite sex marriage is illegal. So, do you A)have secret sex with adult people of the opposite sex, or B)molest kids? If you said B, please send me all your contact information so I can turn it into the police.

Second question. Smoking weed is illegal, but you want to try it, or you’ve tried it and like it. You want to get some more. Do you A)get some illegally, or B)molest kids?

I guess my point is, I don’t see the correlation between priests not being allowed to get married and their proclivities towards molesting boys. I think instead of having a debate about whether they should get married, we should have a debate about not letting gay pedophiles be priests. Maybe if the church one day decides that women have more right to be priests than gay pedophiles, we can kind of replace them. I would suggest an entrance exam for priesthood. Maybe “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much would you rather be molesting a little boy right now?” Then maybe replace the men who answer with a 5 or above with a woman who answers a 0. I mean I know women aren’t technically “real” people, but a non-child molester woman would at least be better for the church’s image than a gay pedophile, right?

I also heard that the Pope helped cover this up, but he won’t be going to testify about any of this because he’s a “head of state.” Man, who knew that a gay-pedophile-enabling Nazi youth would one day be the most powerful man in one of the world’s most powerful religions. It’s amazing what terrible people can become if they just put their minds to it. Religion is fun.

2010-03-25T11:01:00.002-06:00

The US government will turn everyone in the country into a homosexual so we'll enlist in the armed services. Duh. It all makes sense now. Check it out:

The conservatives are upset about the recent health care legislation. Their vitriolic anger seems exponentially out of proportion to the meek effectiveness of the bill. It's not like they're citing reasonable objections -- they're just fucking upset. Why is this? Because they know something we don't. They've been trying to hint at it for so long, but I'm afraid it's too late. There's nothing we can do about it now.

How many talking heads have you heard say "they're ramming/forcing it [health care] down our throats"? It's so obvious! The health care bill will require everyone to turn gay! It's gotta be one of those tiny clauses no one paid much attention to. But it's there. And it WILL happen, people. Health care won't be the only thing the government is shoving down our throats. Whoa!

But it doesn't stop there. What's the government to do with a country of homosexuals? Why, build the ultimate army, of course! And here's how: By barring gay couples from attending prom. As Adam mentioned, Mississippi is on the cutting-edge here. They're so far advanced they know exactly what they're doing. Those motherfuckers are smarter than I give them credit for. Because, think about it. Who goes to prom? It's generally seventeen- and eighteen-year-old juniors and seniors. AKA the perfect demographic for new enlistments. And by preventing them from going to prom, they'll have all but no choice to enlist!

But hold up. The "don't ask, don't tell" policy would undermine this entire plan. Not if "the Pentagon will start to ease its enforcement of the [policy]." Ha! How convenient! You expect me to believe all three of theses events just happened to occur at around the same time? Yeah, right! That's just crazy!

2010-03-24T15:59:00.001-06:00

Gay people going to prom? What’s this world coming to? Can you just imagine? The thought of two women… kissing… licking on each other… it turns me so on… I mean off. It makes me sick. The only thing that could be worse than that would be if two dudes wanted to go to prom. It makes me want to cancel prom. ALL PROMS! I think until we eradicate the gay menace from society, we should make everything illegal. Christ, if gays can go to prom, what next? I’ll tell you what next. Some dude jerking off a horse during a wedding ceremony marrying him, three children, a rug, and a Muslim. You go, Mississippi. Cancel that prom. It was really becoming a distraction to learning, unlike now that it’s a worldwide news story and things have really settled down.

2010-03-19T13:01:00.001-06:00

Adam, you totally inadvertently stole my thunder by updating our blog AT THE EXACT SAME TIME I was, thus pushing my earth-shattering Twitter announcement behind your post (which, oddly enough, also mentions technology) where you also make fun of Twitter for being stupid. You're probably right, but I'm giving it a go.

2010-03-19T12:55:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I was in shorts, playing tennis outside. Today there are three inches of snow on the ground and it’s supposed to keep snowing all day. Welcome to Colorful Colorado, where we have all four seasons, except instead of having them nicely divided into seasons, they all happen every three days or so.

American Idol – what is up with making these results shows an hour long? You’re eliminating one person! That shit should get done during the commercial break of another show.

I kind of thought about updating Facebook more often because I feel like I do a shitty enough job of keeping up with people that I could use the help. Then I tried typing in the little update box and felt dirty… so dirty… so maybe I’ll try to give it another shot soon.

Chatroulette, huh? That’s a thing that’s all the rage, according to news media. But I can count up the amount of people I know who have even HEARD of it (aside from me) on zero fingers. What about you? The last time the news media tried to convince me that some lame new website was all the rage was for some shit called “Tweeter” or “Twisters” or something, and I was totally right that that site would go nowhere.

How about that new Alkaline Trio album, huh? This Addiction. It’s like Agony and Irony, but not as good. But, I give the Alk3 credit. They haven’t totally pussified themselves (Green Day, AFI) or gotten soooo boring (Strung Out, Offspring) over the years. At least when you hear an Alk3 album, you can still tell it’s them. And it’s still catchy, at least.

I think I’m the only person in the world that thought The Brag and Cuss was Rocky Votolato’s best album. This new one is solid but I think there’s more you can do sonically with a full band than with you and an acoustic guitar. Some songs are really starting to show the limitations (Sparklers sounds like every other finger picked song he’s done). The 7” that came with the CD has two really good, rocking full band songs, strangely enough.

In other music news, there’s a new split out between Brendan Kelly (The Lawrence Arms) and Joe McMahon (Smoke or Fire) that’s pretty good. It’s all acoustic versions of their bands’ songs. Being more of a Lawrence Arms fan, I find B-Kel’s side of the album more interesting. But I always like to hear different versions of songs I like.

Here’s a project I’ve been thinking about. Maybe not a project… a thing. So anyway, I’ve been trying to think of what single song best represents a band. Like, if I were going to try to get someone into the Alkaline Trio, the single song I would pick from their catalog is Radio. For the Lawrence Arms, Quincentuple Your Money. For a mainstreamer version, for The Eagles, Hotel California. For the Foo Fighters, Everlong. It’s kind of fun and really hard. Here’s your homework: Pick some bands you like. What single song best represents them?

2010-03-19T12:15:00.002-06:00

Surely the end of the world is near: I have created a Twitter account. Now, this really shouldn't come as a shock; after all, in today's high-tech info-world-blog-sphere-dome-net, I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. (The fact that I refer to them by that one line from "The Little Mermaid" should indicate just how out-of-the-loop I am.) So one more link to the massive social-network-ization of the world is really no big deal for someone like me. Sure, skeptics (I) might say: "But Brian, you barely use Facebook. And you're not that interesting." To which I'd say (to myself): "True." Then I'd add: "But surely I can be interesting when I'm constrained to 160 characters." As evidenced by this already long-winded passage, it's not like I have a problem with being needlessly verbose.

All of this is to say: Who knows how long this adventure will last. Maybe a week. Maybe a month. Or maybe I'll rocket to Twitter stardom, surpassing even the greats like Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, or FunnyCatsPics. And then maybe I'll sell out and my tweets will become hackneyed and stale and I'll lose all my followers and return to my humble roots, having learned an important lesson about myself and a little thing called hubris. Hey, I can dream.

Coming up with a Twitter name was surprisingly difficult. There are lots of Brian Kims out there. The guy who actually has BrianKim is a jerk. He only has one tweet: "Subscribing." It's from 2007. He's only following one person, yet has 24 followers. Honestly, who's still following a guy with only one tweet from three years ago? I would totally (hypothetically) make way more use (for now) of that account than he does (did). Also, just since I was curious, I looked up AdamJones. He only has two tweets, both from two years ago. They're both about pizza. Maybe that one really is Adam, who knows.

I finally decided on YetAnotherBrian. I wanted it to be YetAnotherBrianKim, but Twitter cut me off after the "n" in "Brian." Worked out well, otherwise I could've been "YetAnotherBr" or "YetAnotherBria," which just doesn't make as much sense. So follow me, Twitter-folks (whatever you're called). And maybe, just maybe, we'll all learn a little something about laughter, love, and what it means to sell out.

2010-03-16T10:56:00.001-06:00

Where do Tegan and Sara get off charging $35.25 for concert tickets? Who are they, The Eagles?

Went and saw The Mother Hips on Friday night. The concert’s DOORS were at NINE PEE EMM. My god people! I know vampires are all the rage right now, but that doesn’t mean I can live like one. I have to go to bed at night. Luckily it was just them and another band called The Lonely H, which Cam and I decided was a silly name. I still really hate the name, but the band was actually pretty good. Nothing totally exceptional, but just some 70’s sounding classic rock. Singer could really wail. Bass player smiled like a weirdo the whole time. Guitarist was totally competent but never busted out the mad solo he was so close to doing several times. And drummer was nine years old. Or not, but he looked like it.

Anyway, The Mother Hips came on and put on a solid show. They played most of the songs I knew by them, without saying a single, solitary word between them. No “Hey Denver,” no “Thank you,” nothing. They’re also looking a little old, which I guess is to be expected since they’ve been around for 20 years. They stood basically still, played well, sang well, but lacked a certain je ne sais qua. Maybe it’s because it was so late, or maybe some of their songs are just kind of boring, but towards the middle of the set they had these strange instrumental breaks for minutes at a time in the middle of songs where it seemed like they should be playing some cool guitar solos, but really they just hit random notes every so often with that pained look that guitarists get when they’re busting out sick ass shit on the guitar. But they weren’t. But it was still good.

The venue was the Hi-Dive, which is so tiny I drive by it every day on my way to work and I had no idea it was there. We got there around 8:30 because we couldn’t imagine that doors would be at 9 and we looked in the little window and it just looked like a hallway, so I assumed there would maybe be a room back in the back where the concert would take place. But alas, there was no room. It is just a hallway. You turn to your left and tucked away in the corner there is a stage. There can’t be more than 100 people that can fit into this place. I was struck by two thoughts. First, how sick would it have been to see a band like Against Me! back in the Axl Rose or Eternal Cowboy days play at a place like that? Second, how sad is that good rock music like those two bands can’t fill a bigger place, yet the Black Eyed Peas will soon be coming and selling out the Pepsi Center?

Dudes with goatees are always douchebags.

Des, our follower, and more importantly friend, has been in the hospital and is now at home with her mom. She had spinal fluid leak into her brain and needed four spinal taps to remove all of it. She thinks it’s treatable, but if anyone wants to say a quick Get Well Soon to Des, then do it.

2010-03-12T10:10:00.001-07:00

Dancing has always been a phenomenon I don’t understand (which, when looking back at this blog, is just another piece of evidence to suggest that there are few things in this world that I do understand). Now if you know me, you know I love music. On a summer day, the right music can make the sun brighter, the sky bluer, the mood greater. When I’m feeling mad, some hardcore or metal is just what I need to scream out my aggressions. When I’m sad, music tells me that there’s always someone out there that can relate to what I’m going through. And when I’m going to bed, a relaxing album clears my mind and puts me at ease so I can sleep. For every mood (turn turn turn) there is a music (turn turn turn).

That said, the concept of that music invading my body and making me flail my limbs all over is a strange one. Sure, I’ll nod my head, maybe bust out a little air guitar or drums. But to go out onto a dance floor and dance? I can’t do it. I get all self conscious, and I forget how my brain controls my body. Basically I look like I’m having an extremely minor epileptic seizure.

I went to a country bar last night (don’t ask), and I was struck by an amusing realization: White people can’t dance! They can’t! If you see a white person dancing, that person has some kind of other blood running through their veins that gave them the dancing gene. That’s why white people made up the two dances I saw last night. There’s the two step, which is where two people hold onto each other and walk funny in a circle. It’s like a weird slow mosh pit. It looks like roller skating without the skates, they way they walk funny around the edge of the dance floor. More experienced two steppers can twirl each other, and there were a few confused souls trying to find a place to swing dance now that everyone realized swing music died for a reason, who would dip their partners and do some strange pushes and pulls.

The other dance I saw was the line dance, that whitest of all dances. It seems that because white people are incapable of dancing on their own, they had to invent rigid dances that have certain steps that happen at certain times. Not to say it doesn’t require some sort of talent, or at least memorization. I watched them and couldn’t figure out what they’re doing. Basically it all looks like the Macarena. They move around a little bit, then they turn, and they move around a little bit, then they turn, etc. Depending on the song, the move could be a strange bunny hopping motion, or a hip swivel, or just stepping from side to side. Turn. Repeat.

My country music knowledge is limited to about three Garth Brooks songs, and whatever songs Me First and the Gimme Gimmes covered on their Love Their Country album. When I was a kid, my dad told me that I would start to appreciate country music as I got older. After sitting and listening to it for 90 minutes, I can tell you that I just don’t see myself relating any more to songs about pickup trucks and one eyed dogs and being a country boy as I get older. Sorry. I did recognize two songs. That one that goes “I’m much too young to feel this damn old,” which several punk bands covered, and “Wagon Wheel,” which Against Me! (or more accurately, Tom Gabel) covered. My other observation is that being in a room made up of 100% white people (lie! There was one Asian guy who obviously got lost and stumbled in there for shelter from the cold), and watching all these guys wearing tight jeans with big belt buckles in plaid shirts and cowboy hats over short haircuts, is really hilarious. I love stereotypes that turn out to be completely accurate!

Finally, I’ve been watching American Idol for the first (and last) time ever this season, because I wanted to see what all the hullaballoo was about with this show. And since Simon is leaving, I wanted to get the real deal. (ed note: the real reason Adam is watching is because he’s an Ellen superfan) My problems with this show are numerous. First, the audition rounds are awful. While it’s fun at first to watch bad people try to sing, after two weeks of it, I get it. A lot of people have a lot of time on their hands. Second, there is SO much filler in the early rounds of the show. When watching a singing competition, I want to see people sing, not have half the show filled up with lame sob stories about how one time the contestant’s dog died and ever since that day she’s been singing for Rufus. I don’t give a shit about these people, I just want them to entertain me, clowns! Third, America sucks. They consistently vote off the most interesting people on the show and keep on the doey eyed teen heartthrobs. Lily Scott, perhaps the most interesting singer in the bunch (she sang a Patsy Cline song last week and made it seem relevant, for Christ’s sake!) was kicked off this week in favor of a 17 year old who hasn’t hit a good note in three weeks. My complete distaste for pop music (except Single Ladies!) obviously factors into my annoyance with America. Any country that can make Ke$ha popular should have no right to vote in a talent show.

2010-03-08T17:13:00.003-07:00

It's the time of year again! Adam Goes to the Oscars!

Editor's Note: Adam doesn't actually go to the Oscars. Nor has he seen many of the movies he's going to talk about. Please don't take any of this seriously.

Okay folks, who wants to explain to me what the point of having 10 movies nominated for best picture was? It seems to me that every year, there are one or two movies that legitimately have a shot at winning. So it's not like these five extra movies brought any added drama to the proceedings. I will list these five movies that had no shot at winning now:

1. Up: It was a cute animated movie, and the opening section was one of the greatest things ever put to film. But, it was an ANIMATED movie, and nobody takes them seriously. Also, The Fantastic Mr. Fox was better.

2. A Serious Man: I love the Coen Brothers as much as the next guy, but seriously? All because they made a movie this year doesn't mean it should be up for best picture.

3. Inglourious Basterds: This was a great movie, suspenseful from start to finish, and full of exquisite dialog. That said, it was also directed by Quentin Tarantino and didn't have any poor black people, oppressed blue people, come from behind football players, modern military action, or George Clooney, so while it was cute to nominate it, it was also a waste of time.

4. An Education: If this movie was as boring as its title, then I assume it was nominated so that the Academy could be like "See? We don't only nominate blockbusters!"

5. District 9: It's science fiction. Give me a break.

So, did you guys see that for some reason there were other movies up against Avatar in the Visual Effects category? That's like going up against George Clooney in the George Clooney Lookalike category.

How about those short films? Can you believe that the one that won the animated one won? I thought one of those other ones would! And don't even get me started about the live action ones. My goodness. What was the Academy thinking?

Documentaries. They give awards to these things, like anyone watches them. Who ever heard of Burma VJ? Is Burma even a real place? People march. Then there are people killing dolphins in Japan. Call me when they're putting dolphins in Toyotas and asking them to try to stop their cars. And Food Inc? Are we really still stuck on this bullshit? I've heard, food is gross. That said, I don't know how to farm, so I am more than happy to eat whatever they put into things. Hot dogs are made from "meat jelly," horse hooves, and mixed testicles? Sounds fine to me!

What was up with Miley Cyrus's boobs? They were falling out of that dress! Aren't we supposed to be outraged when people who were on the Disney channel show skin? I don't want my kids watching that shit. Next thing I know my nonexistent kids will be smoking meth out of each other's asses and having unprotected sex with animals.

Okay, now on to the other best picture nominees.

6. Up in the Air: One of the most purely entertaining movies I saw last year, but it just didn't have that hook. Purely entertaining will never beat movies that have some topicality.

7. The Blind Side: Great. White people take in a black kid and make him successful. Racism is awesome, and so are bad southern accents and come from behind stories about football.

8. Precious: There are two reasons I never had any desire to see this movie. First, it insists on telling you in its title what novel it was based on. LAME! Second, everyone involved with this movie acted like it changed their lives, and that much self-congratulating and bullshitting usually only results in movies that try to be so much more important than they are, like Crash, which may be the worst best picture winner EVER.

9. Avatar: Why can't a movie balance being totally sick-ass awesome visually AND plot wise? Side note: Did you know this was racist? Because the white guy had to go in and save the blue guys. Now that you see how obviously racist this movie was, don't you regret making it the highest grossing movie ever? Actually, the white guy had to become one of the blue guys to win... and the blue guys are the good guys... but James Cameron is a racist, let's face facts.

10. The Hurt Locker: This might be the only time you ever hear this, but... Iraq FTW!

Best part of the whole thing: The dude finally has a statue. That should really tie the room together.

2010-03-07T17:53:00.002-07:00

I've made a couple interesting discoveries using the automated word-creating function thing with text messages. (That's the technical term for it, by the way. "Automated word-creating function thing.") For instance, if you type in "convert," the first thing that pops up is "contest." See, even text messaging software knows that converting people to a certain religion is a contest. (Bad joke. Boos are an appropriate reaction. My material gets better, though.) I think I've already mentioned the Brian = Asian thing, which is just odd. But the best one is that if you type in "book," it'll come up "cool." Thus definitively proving that reading is, in fact, hip, jive, neat-o, madd kewlz.

The Academy Awards are tonight. I'm somewhat interested in watching, but, alas, my poor little rabbit ears don't pick up ABC. Of the 92 movies nominated for best picture, I've seen five: Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Up, and Up in the Air. I wanted to see Precious, I just never got around to it. (And we all know that, once the Oscars are over, that opportunity is lost and gone forever.) Avatar was flashy with no substance. The Hurt Locker was suspenseful with no grounding in reality. Inglorious Basterds is my favorite of the lot and a solid movie all around. Up was good-but-not-great. And Up in the Air was kind of a disappointment, to me. (Jason Reitman, what's the deal? I loved Thank You For Smoking. Juno was a mess, but I blame that mostly on Diablo Cody's script. And Up in the Air was just... I don't know, too George Clooney-y.) So what be your pick for tonight's winner? I'm expecting a shocking turn of a events when Couples Retreat gets entered as a last-minute addition to all the categories and becomes the first film in history to sweep every single award.

2010-03-05T12:17:00.002-07:00

I recently heard U2's cover of The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody." I almost threw up through my ears. Aside from being biologically impossible, it also would've been extremely gross. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Instead, I just cringed my way through a minute and a half of the song before having to turn it off. Now, I'm generally pro-cover. I like the idea of an artist taking a song he or she enjoys and putting his or her own spin on it. And I find it works really well for smaller, less-well-known songs. Bad Astronaut covering Armchair Martian is fantastic. The 2005 Believer CD of indie artists covering indie artists is very enjoyable. But I guess the problem comes with covering iconic, canonical songs. Those prove to be uncoverable.

Evidence #1: The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody." Thanks to YouTube, I found a handful of covers: Elvis, Roy Orbison, The Supremes, LeAnn Rimes, and the Platters. I only made it through to the end of one of them. Place your bets now. Let me say that, compared to U2's monstrosity, they're all better covers, just not great. Elvis has a good voice, but it doesn't quite work for the song. Nor does Roy Orbison's voice. The Platters slowed the tempo way down so that it makes the track kind of boring. LeAnn Rimes does a decent job, but they threw in a couple superfluous country-ish things that I didn't like. So yes, it was The Supremes' cover that I made it to the end of. Diana Ross handled the song well, for sure. But if I'm honest with myself, I would never choose The Supremes' version over the original. The Righteous Brothers own that song.

Evidence #2: The Supremes' "Someday We'll Be Together." Speaking of The Supremes... I only found three covers -- thankfully -- which I think says something about how uncoverable this song is. First up: Bobby Darin. There's some weird Grateful Dead guitar effect going on in this version that really turns me off. Next is the Marvelettes who, even down to the name, seem like a replica of The Supremes. Vocally, this is an incredibly strong track -- maybe even better than the original's. But the production kills this song. There's way to much going on. It's an admirable effort, though. Finally, there's some dude named Jimmy Somerville who does a cover. I don't know who he is, but he's all right. Just kind of strange hearing a guy cover the song.

There are probably a few other songs I could use as evidence, but I'm kind of exhausted after looking at all those YouTube videos.

2010-03-03T18:09:00.004-07:00

Jared Leto, we need to talk. As a close personal friend to Jared (or "Jerry" or "JL," as I like to call him), I know he reads this blog every day. Even the days we don't update, Jared Leto is here, reading old posts and laughing in that Jared Leto way.

So, Jerry. Look. I hate to be the messenger here, but you're breaking one of the cardinal rules of attractive people: you're only allowed to be good at one thing. If (as according to your IMDB trivia page) you've been selected as one of People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People in the World, you're only allowed one demonstrable skill. For most people that's acting or modeling. But you can't be both an actor AND a musician. That's just not fair. I'm not saying you can't do both -- it's nice to have hobbies -- but your band is not allowed to be successful and have world tours. Look at Kevin Bacon. He's a musician. But no one cares about his music. That's the way it should be.

(That was a long walk just to take a dig at Kevin Bacon. I apologize.)

Speaking of music, Adam, you have a USB turntable, right? That means you can convert vinyl to mp3s? If so, there are a couple 7"s I think I'll bring with me on my trip. Did you ever get the first Fingers Cut Megamachine 7"? The 4-song one? It's one of my favorite FCM releases. I'd love to have those four songs as mp3s. There's also a Races to April 7" with a song I don't think they ever made an mp3 of. And maybe a couple others, if I dig through the rest of my 7"s.

Speaking of taking digs at people, I'd like to introduce a new meme that I think could catch on like those Chuck Norris jokes. Everybody likes slander, libel, and defamation, right? Who doesn't?!?!?!?!?! Well, I've discovered that the best person to use for a slanderous statement is Ezra Pound. Non-English majors recognize the name and maybe read a poem or two of his in high school, but they wouldn't be able to tell you which one. Even English majors and poets don't seem to be terribly fond of him (I made this up just now to make my point appear stronger). Here are a few examples of ways to make this fun and exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--When Ezra Pound goes to the bathroom, he leaves the toilet seat up. (True.)
--Ezra Pound doesn't tip when he orders delivery... even on rainy days!
--Ezra Pound translated Japanese poetry without knowing any Japanese. (This might actually be true and was the catalyst for this whole idea.)
--If you hate poetry, it's probably because of Ezra Pound.
--Ezra Pound feels prejudice towards "the ethnics."
--Ezra Pound is an odd-looking motherfucker. (This isn't slander because it's true. Do a Google image search.)

Speaking of my trip to Denver, this news story is incredibly reassuring. Especially since I'll be flying out of JFK.

Finally, speaking of sexism (because when is a post of mine NOT about sexism? [Go back to the kitchen, honey.]), if you've ever wondered if a woman could demean her entire gender within the first six seconds of an advertisement, look no further.

2010-02-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

I’ve given up giving things up for Lent for Lent. And with that, the fabric of the universe was torn asunder, and your mind was BLOWN.

You may know that religion has always been something to me. First it was boring, then it was annoying, then it was the thing I hated most about the world, then it was something of a curiosity, which is about where it is right now. I often wonder why it is that God would care if you eat meat on Fridays, considering I’m pretty sure God didn’t invent Fridays and that the only reason Friday exists is because some scientists figured out how often the Earth rotates around the sun, and divided time down into years, months, weeks, and days. Equally strange is that God would care if meat and dairy get eaten together, or that cows are holy. For the record, equally strange is that God hates everyone that doesn’t believe the same thing you do, and that nobody seems to care that Jesus was a zombie for a few days.

Anyway, Lent. People give stuff up. Some people do it because God likes to see you suffer, and you don’t want to disappoint God. Other people do it as a kind of “character building” exercise, like after 40 days of not eating Taco Bell they’re going to emerge better and stronger than ever before. I tried to give up work for Lent and then shouting “Don’t persecute me!” when they told me you can’t give up work for Lent. But that didn’t work because I didn’t try it. I wonder…

Brian’s coming to visit in late March. The world’s two greatest minds together again. The men who brought you “Brian and Adam’s Crappy Home Video, Volumes 1-4” (soon to be available on betamax and laserdisc), reunited. Last time these two talents were in the same place, New York was bummed around for a few days. Comedy shows were seen, bookstores visited, drinks drinked, ferries ridden, Statue of Liberty seen. Just imagine what kind of Earth-shattering awesomeness might happen here in Denver, AKA, Colorado’s Biggest City. The big D. The mile high city. The Capital of Colorado. Revned Backwards.

Speaking of Rocky Votolato’s new album, let’s talk about preordering things. I feel like if I preorder something, I should get some kind of bonus. Either I should get the album early, or I should get something else special. Otherwise there’s no reason to preorder things. Suburban Home/Vinyl Collective always get the records to you weeks before they hit the street. I preordered Rocky V’s new album and I’ll be getting an exclusive 7”, which also happened when I preordered Chuck Ragan’s Gold Country. But some places just send you the album when it comes out, and so you end up getting it a week late, with no discount or special poster or song or anything. I think that should be illegal. I’m running for office on that platform when the midterm elections come up and the Democrats get rightly slaughtered at the polls.

2010-02-22T09:56:00.002-07:00

I don't have many complaints with the QWERTY keyboard. I like the layout of the letters. The numbers above the letters -- a nice touch, for sure. But just today I discovered an ATROCIOUS and DEADLY flaw that all emasculated men should be wary of. (Note: I'm not an emasculated man myself, I just happen to be on the lookout for my Walter-from-A-Raisin-in-the-Sun brethren.) If you intend to use either the exclamation point (!) or left parenthesis ((), use utmost caution! For, one key to the left of each of these are perhaps the most vile symbols on the keyboard: ~ and *. Just today, in an email, I wanted to end a sentence with an exclamation point and a begin a new one in a parenthetical aside. However, I accidentally typed a ~ and * instead, making me look like a 12-year-old girl. If not for an immediate revision, I can only imagine the fallout. My public image? Shattered. For innumerable years. (Little known fact: In 1965, JD Salinger completed a sequel to "Catcher in the Rye" entitled "Phonies! (You Phony!)," but, due to a typo, the draft he sent his editor came out as "Phonies~ *You Phony~)." And we all know what happened to Salinger after that.)

I haven't been watching much of the Olympics, but I've caught a few events: figure skating, speed skating, luge, and what's that one where the skiers go down the hill, do a flip off a ramp, land, bounce off the little mounds of snow, do another flip off a ramp, land, bounce off more of those little mounds, then finish? Also, seriously, what were the originators of these sports thinking? Figure skating: "You know, I like dance and choreography as much as the next person, but doing it on dry land and a stage? BORING! I also happen to enjoy performing these moves with extremely sharp blades that could seriously disfigure people. What am I to do?" Or: "I like sledding, but how can I do it in a homoerotic way while also risking my life on a completely iced-over track?" Or: "I like skiing down a hill, doing a flip off a ramp, landing, bouncing off little mounds of snow, doing another flip, landing, and bouncing off more little mounds. What am I going to call this? Fuck if I know."

Rocky Votolato has a new CD coming out tomorrow. I'm seeing him on Wednesday, where I'll be purchasing the new album. As a result, I felt somewhat okay in my obtaining the mp3s through dubious means. My consensus: I like the new album quite a bit. "Makers" and "Suicide Medicine" are still stronger albums, in my opinion, but "True Devotion" is growing on me. As much as I liked "The Brag and the Cuss," it never really stuck with me, outside of a few amazing tracks. But "True Devotion" feels like a strong album. It's very stripped down -- just him, his guitar, and the harmonica on maybe one or two tracks. Some of the lyrics are kind of cringe-worthy ("I want to spend more time with you / because you make me happy. / It's something I'd been so little of."), but some of them are fantastic ("The harder you fight the tide, / the less likely you'll survive." And just wait until you hear him sing those lines -- great stuff). Bottom line: check it out.

2010-02-09T13:05:00.001-07:00

Oh no, I somehow missed a total Super Bowl commercial scandal! The commercial that I thought was really funny with the little boy telling his mom’s new boyfriend to keep his hands off his mama and Doritos was racist! Darn. I can never pick out racism. I guess at this point I should assume that if there is something that features, mentions, talks about, shows, etc. people who aren’t white men, it’s probably racist, sexist, ageist, or some other kind of offense. And if it only features white men, it’s racist too! So apparently because the little boy is black, the commercial is actually subversively pointing out that black kids often get raised by single moms. Racism at its finest. As long as you totally discount the fact that there are tons of white people, Asians, Latinos, etc. that are also raised by single parents. And the boy slaps that guy in the face, showing that black people are physically abusive. AND, and I just thought of this one, the new boyfriend stares at the mom’s ass as she walks away: RACIST because it shows that black people love asses, and SEXIST because the woman is treated as a piece of meat! Also, the commercial is obviously racist because they don’t show a single white person, or Asian, or Latino, or Middle Easterner, or anything. It’s all black people! What are they, saying interracial relationships are wrong? And the name of their chips are Doritos! Sounds Mexican to me. Speak English in this country!

My point is, everything is an –ist if YOU are an –ist. The only reason you would see racism in that commercial is if YOU are a racist, inherently looking for that kind of thing. Otherwise, you just saw a funny commercial for Doritos. It’s a strange paradox that the people in this country screaming about how everything is racist are the people that are keeping racism alive. If one of these racists hadn’t brought up the notion that because black people were on TV it was racist, it wouldn’t have been racist. But now they’re actually talking about this on the radio like it’s a thing. It’s not a thing!

Sorry about all the f-bombs in that last post, but it had been a while since I went all f-crazy. We’ll try to keep that to a minimum in this post, okay?

FUCK Comcast up their fucking stupid fuckfaced fucking fuckholes. I fucking can’t stand those fucking shitwads, those fucking turd burglars, those fucking fuckwits. Fuck em. I got a DVR from those cock goblins last Monday, and yesterday the shitty piece of shit went out. Every time I push the goddamn play button the shitbox fucking resets itself! ONE WEEK I had the fucking piece of dogshit. One motherfucking week. So I’m talking to Comcast last night about it, and the asshat on the phone tells me that I can go exchange the thing for a new one. I asked him if this new shitty waste of plastic and metal would last more than a week, and he “assure”d me that it would, because they would make sure to give me a “good, working” unit this time. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE FIRST ONE? A fucking practical joke? Thanks for signing up for the DVR – to build you up to using one, we’re going to send you a box full of kitty shit and dog droppings, and once that one shits itself after a week, YOU can come to US to get your working one. And the guy’s going on and on like he’s doing me a favor by making this exchange free. I tell you what, Comcast. LAST fucking straw. See what happens when this one breaks. And if I can’t watch Lost tonight because of your shitty technology, the bomb threat you receive tomorrow will not be (unlike the garbage you try to pass off as a DVR) fake.

2010-02-08T12:23:00.003-07:00

SAINTS WIN! Okay, so really I didn’t care that much about the Super Bowl, but I was rooting for the Saints because they had never been to the Super Bowl, they were the underdogs, and New Orleans deserved something good to happen to them finally. Also, after that onside kick to open the second half, Sean Payton is now my favorite coach in football. That man’s balls should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Anyway, there was a lot of commotion going into this year’s Super Bowl commercials. Before I address the ridiculousness on all sides of every issue, I want to know why commercials only get to be good during the Super Bowl? Why is it that the rest of the year we’re treated to boring, stupid, pointless commercials, and then once a year we have this focus on commercials? Maybe if commercials were entertaining all year, instead of offensively stupid, we wouldn’t fast forward through them all the time. It’s not like it’s more expensive to produce commercials that are entertaining. The Doritos commercials that dominated the Super Bowl weren’t technological marvels that cost millions to produce, but they were all very funny and very clever. Keep your hands off my mama, and keep your hands off my Doritos!

So the Tim Tebow commerical that got the pro-choicers all worked up before they had seen it, that was the talk of the radio and TV news programs, that caused righteous indignation to flare aired, and… it was less offensive than a commercial for Cialis. Tim’s mom talks about how he almost didn’t make it into this world, and she’s glad he did, and he tackles her, and they smile at the camera. So, to my allies on the left, pro-choice side of this debate, I have to once again say, YOU FUCKING SUCK. Way to go, you stupid bitches. Way to protest something you haven’t seen. Now it looks like you hate happy families. So now you look pro-abortion and anti-family. Stupid motherfuckers. Next time you want to get all up in arms about something, maybe you should have a fucking clue what you’re talking about so you don’t end up looking like fucking retards (my insincere apologies to Sarah Palin).

Then there was the Man Cruch ad that CBS banned because apparently two dudes kissing is the hardest thing we’d have to explain to our kids during the Super Bowl. Everyone on the right, anti-human rights (which is what I’m now calling the anti-gay marriage side of things) side praised CBS for saving us and our children and our dogs from having to watch this hardcore gay pornography during a sport that is already so homoerotic we have to act as manly as possible to push down those strange feelings we’re getting in our loins watching huge, burly men grope at each other for three hours. But wait! You can’t even see those guys kissing, and it’s actually a pretty damn funny ad. So, to all those people who think gays are agents of the devil sent here to turn us all queer, I once again say, YOU FUCKING SUCK. Hiding the fact that there are gay people in the world from your children isn’t going to make them gay/not gay. It’s going to make more of you dumbshit motherfuckers come into the world who pass on your hatred of your fellow man from generation to generation and keep us from advancing into the tolerant society we should be.

Finally, this Godaddy ad was banned for some reason. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s another gay person in it. Or… because it’s the only Godaddy ad that has ever actually shown what the hell Godaddy is? Actually, I can’t figure out why this one got banned. I’d say maybe it was the bikinis and lingerie, but football has fucking cheerleaders in the fucking sport, for fuck’s sake. All I know is, now that I’ve watched all three of those banned/controversial commercials, the thing I’m most offended by about the Super Bowl was the way they kept saying “New Or-lee-ans” like they’d never heard the place’s name before.

2010-02-04T10:34:00.002-07:00

I really enjoy Grape Nuts. But every time I pour myself a bowlful, I think that I'm eating the leftover remains of every other cereal at the Post factory. I picture all the different cereals fermenting in large tin tanks like you see at breweries. (Why cereal needs to ferment, I don't know.) And at the bottom of these tanks are sliding trays that collect all the crumbs. Then, at the end of the night, the Post workers empty, collect, and bag the leftovers, thus creating a box of Grape Nuts.

It was late last night, I was tired, and my cat came to visit me before I went to bed, as per the usual routine. So I was petting him and talking to him, like normal, when I noticed that he was repeating a lot of the same movements. i.e. he walked up to my pillow, then to the foot of the bed, then plopped down on his side, etc. So I said to him (corny joke alert), "If you keep doing the same thing over and over, I'm going to seriously think you have OCD: Obsessive Cat Disorder."

(Thanks to these two anecdotes, I think I understand now why it is I don't have many friends. Speaking of friends, though, I want to go out drinking with Rip Torn. But only if he looks all haggard like he does in that picture.)

2010-02-01T12:38:00.002-07:00

I had a dream last night that Terrell Owens was holding me hostage in my high school, along with the rest of the class, because of something Obama did. It went down like this: I was on the third floor of the school haggling with the music salesman about how much he was charging for singles. “I know singles cost more, but $8 for a song seems pretty pricy,” I said to him. He somehow convinced me that it wasn’t that much, so I ended up buying three songs from him for $20 (two for $8 a piece, and one for $4). Then I stood there confused for a second, then went to class, which was down on the first floor. This high school that’s in my dreams bears a certain resemblance to my actual high school, but it’s not the same. Strangely, it is the same high school every time I dream about being in high school.

Anyway, I went to class, and Terrell Owens barges in with a gun and starts saying stuff about Obama. I don’t really remember what Obama had done to him, or what he wanted from Obama, but he sure was upset. He left the classroom but left one of his hostage holding deputies there to keep us in line. He then either became omnipotent and was able to speak to everyone at the school with his mind, or he went and got on the intercom, but either way he started talking a lot about how he was upset with Obama. The dream ended when my alarm went off, perfectly timed with TO yelling “Obama! Obama! Obaaamaaaa!”

So, how about those Grammys? Did you see that Kings of Leon’s song “Use Somebody” was the single best "record" (read: song) released in 2009? It’s amazing that every single music magazine on the face of the Earth somehow missed that one! Since the Grammys are a televised music awards show, they must have picked up on it while the old, lame print media somehow had it slip under their radars. Because the Grammys are totally a real thing that people care about, they way they always take into account real music, and not just music that makes a ton of money and satiates the public’s desire to hear totally inoffensive, bland noises coming from their speakers. That’s why the best new band this year was totally the Zac Brown Band. Music journalists the world over have been talking up the Zac Brown Band as the best thing since Milli Vanilli! And while the print media rejected Eminem’s comeback album “Relapse” as the big pile of dog shit that it was (I listened to it) and instead favored “rap” like the universally acclaimed “Cuban Linx Part II” from Raekwon, the Grammys saw fit to bestow Eminem with the best rap album award, because let’s face it: it sold more copies.

The Grammys are a waste of space. They hand out awards based solely on the amount of iTunes downloads a song/album gets, it seems like. How else can you explain Judas Priest getting the best metal “performance” award? Those guys can hardly even stand on their own without use of breathing apparatti (can someone verify that’s a word?) and walkers. Did the Grammys even realize that Mastodon put an album out last year? No! Because Judas Priest sold a lot of copies. You can’t just pick up Billboard’s year-end-review issue and say “Since the Black Eyed Peas are technically music, and they sold a billion copies, they win the Best Pop Album award!” You have to actually listen to the music! Green Day won the Best Rock Album award? Granted, I didn’t listen to it, but I assume it’s more middle of the road, middle aged pop rock like their last album. And there had to be WAY better rock albums come out last year. Although I’m one to talk, since I could only really easily think of five genuinely great albums that came out last year.

In any case, the Grammys were right about two things: First, Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies” was the best song that came out last year. That’s science. Second, although I’m still not sold on Phoenix, they are now Grammy winners for Best Alternative Album. Which I guess means now all the indie kids who loved them are contractually obligated to call them sellouts and go find another band who no one has heard of to champion.

2010-01-29T18:13:00.004-07:00

I watched part of the State of the Union. Going in, I was excited about it. I knew Obama would give a hell of a speech. It was his first address -- the first one delivered by a minority. So I really wanted to enjoy the historic moment. But then it began, and I realized why I hate the State of the Union address. It's all pageantry. I guess I'm feeling particularly jaded and cynical, but I just don't feel like anything that Obama said will actually happen. Instead, the whole thing is a platform for Democrats to sound like they're going to get shit done (they won't) and Republicans to show their disdain for the Democrats' ideas. And the applause. I stopped watching after forty minutes because of the applause. Way to be both self-congratulatory (for no apparent reason [let's see some results, then you can applaud yourselves]) and pandering at the same time. Here's what I learned from the State of the Union: how to make Republicans begrudgingly applaud what you have to say. Here are some examples:

--We are going to instate mandatory abortions for all women BECAUSE AMERICA WILL BE THE BEST AT IT!
--We'll tax the shit out of businesses... BUT NOT SMALL BUSINESSES!
--We're going to punch everyone in the face BECAUSE AMERICANS ARE RESILIENT AND STRONG!
--We're replacing all jelly-filled donuts with meat-filled donuts BECAUSE IT WILL PROVIDE JOBS FOR EVERYONE!

I'm also watching Generation Kill at the moment. I think that might be fueling my contempt. (Generation Kill is written by two of The Wire's writers. The Wire is fantastically amazing. Generation Kill is pretty good, so far, but nowhere near as good as The Wire.)

People riding down escalators: we need to talk. Look, no one's perfect. I understand that. I have my own flaws. For instance, I like to walk at a brisk pace. When there are stairs available, I take the stairs. But sometimes that's just not possible. Sometimes I don't have an option and I have to take the escalator. So look. If you're going up, then kindly step to the right of the escalator, per unspoken escalator etiquette. That way I can walk up the escalators like they're stairs, which, let's not kid ourselves. They're fucking stairs. And if you're going down, then the same thing applies. But let's say that we're on one of those super-skinny escalators, the ones that are single-file only. In that instance, let's move it. You know what's easier than walking down a moving down escalator? Nothing. So walk. Now, if you have an injury or can't walk well, I understand. I'm a compassionate person. But when we get off the escalator, you've gotta give me something. A limp. Drag your leg. Hit me with your cane. But if you can walk without complication, move.

I've watched three Buster Keaton movies recently. Good stuff. The General was the first Keaton movie I ever saw, and it remains my favorite. If you have Netflix, it's on their streaming service. It's like an hour and ten minutes -- check it out. College is also fun and has a great wrap-up. Steamboat Bill, Jr. was my least favorite of the three, but still pretty entertaining. I honestly don't know how Keaton performed the things he did without killing/seriously injuring himself. It's crazy. And it's also crazy how timeless comedy is. Not only in the sense that what was funny then is funny now, but also that situations now applied back then. College, for example, is all about Buster Keaton trying to impress a girl who's going out (? -- maybe not, I don't quite remember) with a dumb jock. But the dumb jock character feels straight out of a contemporary comedy. Anyway, Buster Keaton is the man. Way cooler than Charlie Chaplin. (Though, I've only seen one Chaplin movie, so who am I to say?)

2010-01-27T12:26:00.001-07:00

The iPad? Really, Apple? I mean, thank you for finally answering my prayers to have an iPhone that was way too big to carry in my pocket, but how many hours did it take you to come up with that name? iPad. Sheesh! What's next? Shoes with touch screens called the iPed? Personally Identifiable Data that can surf the web called the iPID? This thing that actually exists with a 10-inch color screen called the iPud? (Yes, I did have to look something up for Pud, and yes, I was horrified to find that)

I had a thought the other day about how subconsciously the regular Nintendo taught us how to seduce women. Remember how you couldn’t just shove the cartridge in the slot and expect to play a game? You just got a flashing green and black screen. No, you had to take your time with it. You had to blow in it just the right way, and a little rubbing of the cartridge never hurt your chances. You had to really search for the right spot that would just make the system go CRAZY and actually play your game for you. Everyone had their little routines of foreplay with the NES cartridges that they swore turned the system on in just the right way that it would let you play with it. And it also taught us safe sex, since you couldn’t play a goddamn game without first putting the Game Genie on over the slot. Between that subliminal message, and the fact that I’m pretty sure I learned to read and spell because of Final Fantasy games, I’m not sure why videogames ever had such a bad rap. Videogames taught me everything I know!

I broadened my cooking horizons by making homemade French fries and jalapeno burgers last night. Woo hoo for me! They even turned out edible. Way more edible than the fajitas I made a week or two ago, a mess of red and white disgusting liquid and chunks that haunt my dreams to this day. Cooking is so stressful for me, though, that I think tonight I’ll just be microwaving something.

Are you ready for the State of the Union? Prepare to be temporarily reminded of why we voted for Obama in the first place: The man gives a great speech. Afterwards he does some questionable things like gives trials to terrorists and ignores the economy to focus on a health care bill that no one likes, but the man can talk. There’s no denying that fact. He speaks English very well, and the tone of his voice… oh, the tone. And the pacing! And the body language. I tell you what, between the tone, and the pacing, and the body language, he could be reciting the alphabet and I’d be like “Next time I WILL sing with you, Barack Obama! I will!” with tears running down my face.

Let’s all sing happy birthday to my dad, as today he turns… 56! The big five six. If you multiply those two numbers together, that’s 30, and that’s not so old.

Okay then. Have a happy fantastic day.

2010-01-24T15:21:00.002-07:00

Well hey. Brian here. Sorry for my absence of late. Wish I had a cool excuse (you know, like I gained extraordinary superhero powers and have been improving the world little by little), but no, I've just been normal ol' me. (Or have I????) I also had a bout of sickness, mine lasting a little longer than Adam's crazy-short overnight illness. I saw a few shows (of the music, Broadway, and improv variety). I've seen quite a few movies. Read a couple books. So yeah, I've been busy, you could say.

I had a couple ideas for topical things that are no longer topical and wouldn't work. The best idea was to draw up a chart of other cause-and-effect relationships Pat Robertson uses to explain natural phenomenon. I might get back to this one later. I just have to wait for the next global travesty, then keep an ear out for what Pat has to say. (Not that I'm hoping for such a catastrophe, mind you. But think of the humor!)

I also wanted to talk about this business with Conan and NBC, but Adam covered it. And, by this point, it's done, so it doesn't even matter. Sorry, Conan. Shitty move on NBC's part. Nice send-off, though.

I have an idea in the works for another update. Hopefully it won't take me close to fifteen days to get it up here. My writing has been slow recently. As in: nonexistent. I'm hoping getting back into the taking-classes routine will help with that. It should.

Before I go, I gotta ask a couple questions about your self-portrait, Adam: Why are you holding a Legend of Zelda sword? And what's the A&P all about? I see the letters "A" and "P" together and all I can think of is the frequently-anthologized John Updike short story, which, although it's kind of kick-ass, I don't think is what you're going for.

2010-01-21T12:44:00.001-07:00

Self Portrait, entitled Kick Ass Adam

2010-01-18T16:03:00.001-07:00

Reviews!

Avatar: Story: Cliché, but serviceable. Special Effects: So awesome. I’m not one to get excited about special effects movies. I have no desire to see Transformers 2 or 2012, because they look like movies that exist solely for special effects. But, when I heard that Avatar was having technology created from the ground up to accommodate its special effects, I was interested. When I saw the reviews were good, I went and saw it at the IMAX in 3D, and it was quite a spectacle. It might have been the 3D, or the amazing blue people special effects, or the fully-realized and believable alien world, but whatever it was, when I walked out of the theater, I felt like I had just taken a trip to Pandora, or watched a documentary about it. It’s unbelievably beautiful, every little detail. If I could go back and insert this into my Top 2009 Movies list, I definitely would. This is one that should be watched on the big screen in 3D though. I’m not sure the visuals will have the same punch on DVD.

Up in the Air: Also would have made it onto my Top 2009 Movies list, had I seen it in 2009. I really, really liked this movie. I’ve now seen every Jason Reitman movie, and I like them all. This one is my favorite though. It’s heartbreaking and hilarious, and its characters are all realistic and three dimensional (but not like Avatar). It also doesn’t hurt that it has one of the more attractive casts of any movie I can think of recently. I had a lot of fun watching it. You would too.

500 Days of Summer: While at some points the movie seemed a little too cutesy (especially the end), I found this to be a refreshing take on “romantic” “comedies” (and yes, both of those words are in quotations for a reason). I liked the jumping around in time and the cutaways to which “day of Summer” it was. Plus, I will always have a crush on Zooey, even if she is a big old jerk in this movie. This and Up in the Air are not feel-good movies by any means, but I’d recommend this one too. Even if I think that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a weird looking dude and sometimes kind of seems to fake a British accent. And his SNL appearance was totally lame, because he decided he wanted to make goofy faces and sing in every single skit. It was cute at first, JGL, but you can drop it now.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: You know I love kids movies. This was a fun little movie. Not emotionally involving really, but the animation style of this movie was pretty hilarious. There were a lot of famous people who did voices you couldn’t even recognize (except Mr. T as the hilarious town policeman), highlighted by NPH (if you need to know, watch Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle) as the monkey, Steve. There was good action, funny dialog, and funny animation. Basically, it’s what you’re looking for from a kids movie. It’s obviously not going to compete with Up for the best computer animated movie of the year, or Mr. Fox for the best kids and overall movie of the year, but I kind of think if you don’t enjoy it you have no soul.

I like getting into things way after the fact. Have you listened to The Replacements? They have a couple of good albums.

Oh, how about a Grandma update? She’s out of rehab and sounds amazing. She’s not perfect. Her speech is a little slow and she has trouble thinking of words, and she walks using a walker (unless you don’t watch her, in which case she tries to walk without it because she’s stubborn), but compared to weakly muttering “I love you” a while back, she’s amazing. She has therapy come to the house a couple times a week, and will for a little while, but she’s a strong woman and she’s going to keep fighting to get back to where she was before.

Okay. Uh… yeah. I didn’t really have much to say. But I wrote here anyway. So have a good day I guess. And tell your mom something offensive.

2010-01-14T07:25:00.001-07:00

I am sick. Being sick sucks. How did I get sick? I drink orange juice every morning. I eat a lot of green pepper (which I found out today has a lot of vitamin C). I wash my hands like I think they’ll shrivel up and fall off if I don’t keep them constantly watered (thanks, Mom!). And yet, here I am. Sick. As usual for me being sick, my nose is now glowing red. I took a nap in the car today and when I sat up, there was a snot waterfall that spewed out of my nose. A snotterfall, if you will (and you must!). When it didn’t stop for a while, I decided I’d pinch my nostril shut, and it exploded in a gross but hilarious snotsplosion!

Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol after this season, and although my heart has been shattered into tiny little pieces upon hearing this, I will saunter on. But now I’m tasked with suggesting someone to replace the man? I mean, who else could slouch behind a desk in a t-shirt, nipples erect, and say nasty things in a British accent? I suggest Chef Gordon Ramsey. Sure, he might not know much about music, but do you really need to? I can tell if someone can sing or not, and since America does all the voting after the totally obvious tryouts, I don’t think you need to know anything about anything to be on that show. Actually, I’ve changed my mind. I’d like to be the judge. I can go “It was bad.” Or I can go “It was good.” Or I can go “It was not good, but not bad, but okay, so yes.” And I can wear t-shirts. I have all the necessary qualifications. If anyone knows Mr. Americanidol, please get me in touch with him.

Good for Conan O’Brien, telling NBC where to shove it. Conan has always been my favorite late night talk show host, followed by Letterman, followed by Leno, followed by whatever else crap they put on (did you know Jimmy Kimmel still has a show?) And, the only parts I really liked about Leno were segments of his like Headlines, which didn’t really have anything to do with him. He’d just show funny headlines or typos in the paper. Jaywalking was funny when it first came about, but now you can tell it’s fake, and people give stupid answers on purpose in order to get on TV. Anyway, the point is, Leno said he was retiring, he handed the show to Conan, who’s much funnier and edgier anyway, then decided he didn’t want to retire, then NBC gave him a show at 10 for some reason, which wasn’t funny and wasn’t any different than The Tonight Show with Jay Leno except the show’s name changed (The Jay Leno Show), the band’s name changed (The Prime Time Band, from The Tonight Show Band), and they got rid of Jay’s desk. Ooooooo, way to go, NBC. If it weren’t for Thursday night’s comedy lineup on that channel, there would be no reason for it to still broadcast. So, now NBC wants to move Jay back to 11:30, bumping Conan, because Jay’s ratings at 10 were so bad that the affiliates lost so much 11:00 news viewership they threatened to revolt. Conan wisely and pleasantly declined to be bumped. So now there are two outcomes I see: NBC breaches Conan’s contract, pays him millions, and he goes to another network (Fox) to compete against Leno and Letterman. Or, Jay Leno gets fired. At this point, I think Leno’s time has come, and if NBC is smart, they’ll let him go and give Conan the backing he deserves. Which means the opposite will happen.

UPDATE: I'm publishing this "tomorrow morning" (I wrote this yesterday), and by the Glory and Grace of God Almighty On High, I feel much better. Or, more accurately, by the Glory and Grace of Vitamin C Supplements In Water, and Rest, I feel much better. Thanks God/Vitamin C Supplements and Sleep.

2010-01-11T10:03:00.002-07:00

You know, for all the bad things about drug dealers, I bet they’re really good drivers. They don’t want to crash or get pulled over and have someone find their drugs. So the next time you see an asshole driving a big SUV, talking on her cell phone, weaving between lanes and varying her speed by 15 miles an hour every few minutes, just think to yourself how much better off your drive would be if you were surrounded by drug dealers.

Are you feeling pretty good about that thousand dollars you just spent after finally caving into the HDTV trend? How would you like to spend another thousand, or maybe two, sometime in the next year? Well, you’re in luck! The people who just took your money on a new TV sometime in the last couple of years are back to take more of your money with their next big thing: 3DTV. Just in case you thought your family looked a little too non-brainwashed sitting around together staring at a box with pictures on it, soon you’ll be able to look like a freaky cult by wearing your own 3-D glasses at home while staring at a box! If you’re like me and you went and saw Avatar in 3-D and you turned around and looked at the mass of people all wearing identical yellow glasses staring at the same screen and you thought “Wow, that’s a little terrifying looking, but totally awesome,” you’re in luck! And if after two and a half hours of wearing those glasses, you noticed you were feeling a little high from the fact that they’re ridiculously uncomfortable and cut off about half the circulation to your brain, and you thought “I wish I could wear uncomfortable glasses like this at home too,” you’re in luck! So basically, if you have too much money, and love looking weird and being uncomfortable, your ship is about to come in. 3DTV is on the way later this year.

In case you can’t tell, I’m skeptical about this new “revolution” in TV for a few reasons. The main thing is comfort level. If I’m sitting on the couch watching TV for a few hours (shut up, you do it too sometimes), I don’t really want to have to wear glasses to watch the TV, or goggles, or whatever viewing device you’re required to wear to watch the thing. It’s also hard for me to believe that many shows need to be viewed in 3D. I have never watched a football game and wished it were in 3D, yet ESPN is one of the first channels broadcasting in 3D. If there’s any sacrifice to picture quality, which I imagine there has to be, I’d rather stick with my crystal clear 2D HDTV I have right now. Another thing is price. Everyone just shelled out hundreds or thousands of dollars to get an HDTV recently, and now they’re following that up so quickly with a new kind of TV? Sounds like a money-grab to me. But I’ve been skeptical of 3D even in the movies, and I still am, even having experienced the glory that was Avatar in 3D. That movie was so sick, and the 3D really helped pull me in. That said, I’m still not hankering to see another 3D movie.

Danny and I went to Blackhawk on a whim yesterday to gamble. I sat down at a $10 blackjack table and promptly lost $60. Then after a couple beers, I went to a craps table and promptly lost $60 (but I rolled the dice better than I ever have before). Then I went to a $5 blackjack table, which is much more my speed, and promptly lost $40. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my last $30 and laid it on the table. I worked this $30 into a little more than $100. Once I get $100 at a casino I turn it into a black chip which I put in my pocket and save. Ever since I started gambling I’d marveled at people who could spend $100 on a hand of cards, or throw thousands onto a craps table. So, four or five beers in, I decided that last night was the night. I lost all my extra $5 chips and was down to my black $100 chip. I declared that this was something I had always wanted to do, and I slid that $100 chip into the betting circle. Danny screamed at me not to do it, but my mind was made up. For one glorious minute I was going to be a high roller. The dealer exclaimed “WHAT!?” and I nodded confidently. He dealt me my first card, and my heart leapt when I saw an ace. Everyone at the table got anxious. The dealer dealt my second card face down, so that I would have to wait until everyone else had played to see if I had gotten a blackjack. But, he showed Danny the card first, and Danny exclaimed “No!” and started laughing. Then he acted like maybe he was lying. But sure enough, when that second card turned up a face card and I’d gotten a blackjack on my $100 bid, the table erupted. I won $250 on a single hand of cards, and my life was complete. I took that $250, went on a streak like I couldn’t believe, and left with $390. It was so awesome. You really should have been there.

2010-01-10T15:57:00.002-07:00

I didn't intend my next post to be about the news (once again). But when I saw this story, I had to dust off the ol' soapbox. Here's the run-down: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid made a bit of a faux-pas in 2008. "Privately" (whatever the hell that means, since it clearly wasn't all that private if it's now come to surface), he said that then-candidate Obama would do well in the election because he (Obama) was "light-skinned" and spoke "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." Certainly a backhanded compliment, certainly racially insensitive, and certainly a dumb thing to say. But now Michael Steele, the Republican Party Chairman, is asking for Senator Reid to resign over his comments.

Everyone, all together now: What the fuck, Michael Steele?

You mean to say an old white dude from Nevada might "privately" say some stupid racist shit? Wow, I'm shocked. This is news. I mean, really, this is fucking news! Next thing you know, some of the Congresspeople from the South might also be racist! But surely that can't be! They only had the utmost respect for Barack Obama when he was running for president! They only had the utmost respect for Sonia Sotomayor when she was confirmed for the Supreme Court! Racism is truly a thing of the past! Fuck Harry Reid for bringing it back!

(Using exclamation points to indicate sarcasm works really well!)

Okay, I admit it. There is probably a bit of a double-standard here. If a Republican had made the same comment, there'd probably be a much larger backlash. But come on, we all know a Republican wouldn't make the same comment. (They'd say "nigger," not "Negro." [Cheap joke, I apologize. I don't think all Republicans would say that. Just some.]) The thing is, Reid's choice of words, no matter how poor, weren't meant derogatorily. It's not like he said, "There's no way I'm ever voting for Obama, even if he is one of those light-skinned ones who doesn't speak like a Negro." That's bad. That's racist. Admitting that Obama might do well in polls due to the fact that he is, in fact, light-skinned and has a very neutral accent is... kind of true. Frankly, I'm still shocked we have a black president. It's fantastic. But if he had been black black, would he have been elected? There's definitely something to the light-skinned argument. Except, wait, no. I forgot that racism is dead and no one cares about skin color or foreign-sounding names. Everyone, that is, except for Harry Reid.

(There's also a specific coincidence to this story that I enjoy immensely: Last week, Michael Steele made his own racially insensitive remark on a Fox News interview. He said that the GOP platform "is one of the best political documents that's been written in the last 25 years, 'honest injun' on that."

I'd like to see Michael Steele call for Michael Steele to resign over that comment.)

2010-01-08T14:15:00.003-07:00

Lost is going to be entering its final season in February. Hopefully Feb. 2, if Obama has the sense to not interrupt it with the State of the Union address. I like Cam’s suggestion: ABC should air the Lost premiere regardless, since the State of the Union will be broadcast on literally every other channel in TV. I have never been this excited for a premiere of any show, ever. Over the course of the last few months, I’ve re-watched the entire show on DVD, and I am prepared to say, I have never seen a show so meticulously thought out and deep on network TV, and probably never will again (especially if network TV seems to think that Flashforward will be the next Lost, but more on that in a minute). I noticed that the ratings for Lost have dipped from a peak of around 20 million viewers in the middle of season 1 to a little less than 10 million at the end of season 5, but those of us that have stuck around for the whole thing have been richly rewarded with a large cast of well-developed characters, recurring themes, science-fiction, and mystery.

Most astoundingly, mysteries that were brought up in the first season are finally being answered in believable ways at the end of the show. The Lost mythology at this point is so confusing that it’s not even worth explaining, but to say the show has transformed from a tale of survival in the first season to an epic and realistic sci-fi experience is an understatement. What other show on TV could introduce a destroyed four-toed statue in season two, not even mention it again for three full seasons, and then bring it back as one of the focal points of the entire series in the fifth? It’s things like that that make watching Lost from the beginning to the end such a fantastic experience.

That’s not to say the show hasn’t had problems. Before an end-date was set, the show meandered through seasons two and three, which were bookended with awesome episodes but stuffed with so much filler that at times it was hard to struggle through weeks of nothing happening. It was also plagued by a ridiculous airing schedule where we would have three new episodes, then not get one for two weeks, then get a new episode, wait two weeks, get five episodes, wait a month, etc, that made the slow episodes even more unbearable. The show would have an awesome episode full of mystery and intrigue, end on a cliffhanger, then the next week’s episode would totally disregard said cliffhanger and pal around with the funny fat guy for an hour, and then you’d have to wait three weeks to see cliffhanger resolved.

It’s no wonder a lot of people gave up on the show. But for me, the underlying mystery of the island and the characters I truly care about were enough to keep watching. And at this point, I’m glad I did. Seasons 4 and 5 were masterfully told, and because the end was nearing and the seasons were shortened, they were filler free. Now on the figurative eve of the final sixth season of Lost, I have no idea where the story is going, and no idea how they’re going to tie things up, but I absolutely cannot wait to find out. This will either be the single best season of television ever made, or a total flop, but based on how well these guys have done making this absurdly complex story make sense, I have faith in them.

Can we talk about Flashforward for a second? Even if that show hadn’t been billed ad-nauseum as the Next Lost, it would still be a shitty show. I watched that show for eight episodes waiting for it to suck a little bit less, and it never did. Here’s the problem: Flashforward begins with a really interesting premise in which everyone blacks out for a while and wakes up having seen the future. During that little while, cars crashed, planes crashed, etc, and a lot of people died. There was some impressive scenery in the first part of the first episode, and then… nothing. The fact that probably millions of people died is left behind, as the FBI starts trying to piece together the future when it becomes clear that everyone saw the same future. So, interesting premise, with interesting questions raised: is the future now inevitable? Does free will still exist? That kind of thing. The problem is, the FBI in this show is populated by the most narrow-minded, idiotic buffoons on the planet. They don’t ask questions that any rational person would ask because the show has decided it’s not time to reveal the answers to those questions yet.

The acting is universally embarrassing, a terrible cast led by the leader of all bad actors, Joseph Feinnes, who insists that every line be growled with an intensity that’s totally unnecessary. “Does anyone want SOME MORE PIZZA!??!!?!” you could see him asking his family, his hands clenched tight around the dinner table, supporting his body leaning over it, spit flying from his mouth, his eyes on fire with a rage that should probably be medicated. Except he wouldn’t ask his family that, because the answer to that question clearly isn’t going to be revealed until the end of the show. And because the producers don’t want you to know if the family wants more pizza yet, they just leave everyone around the table, half a pizza eaten, for six episodes. I think you get what I’m saying.

The great thing about Lost is that it rewards patience. The questions that need to be answered aren’t asked because there’s so much going on that the Losties don’t have time to be asking questions. Who gives a shit what the noise in the forest is when you’ve just been involved in a plane crash on a tropical island with polar bears on it and a strange group of indigenous hostiles are threatening you? But, as the pressing issues are resolved and explained away, eventually you learn more and more about what the noise in the forest is, to the point now where the noise in the forest is almost completely explained. In Flashforward, there is one explicit question raised at a time, which is then bullshitted around for two episodes before someone finally asks “Why is that elephant in the living room?” Then a man will climb out of the elephant and deliver a horribly acted speech about destiny.

The characters in Lost have been fleshed out by an almost inordinate amount of flashbacks to their life before. The characters on Flashforward are the dumbest people in the world. An FBI agent saw in his flashforward that a man with a gang tattoo was going to kill him, and in the present he killed a man with a gang tattoo and thought he had killed his attacker. But then later in the episode he finds out there are MORE people with the SAME tattoo! This man works for the fucking FBI! And they’re retarded as far as answering the central question, “Can you change the future?” too. Instead of blindly recreating exactly what you saw in the future, couldn’t you just make one obvious change? If you see yourself about to get killed at your job, quit your job. Right? But no one in the show thinks like that. In fact, the one likeable character on the show kills himself, WHICH DOESN’T HAPPEN IN HIS FLASHFORWARD, and it’s newsworthy. Stories show up on the news about a man who was brave enough to change the future, opening that possibility. But you’re telling me that weeks after this incident, not a single person in the world had even thought about the possibility that they could make a change that would change the future? Jesus Christ!

I know it’s TV, but please. Don’t insult your audience with this tripe, and don’t insult them even more by comparing this show in any way to Lost. When Lost ends, I don’t know what I’m going to watch for my serialized drama fix, but if Flashforward is the networks’ next attempt at it, maybe I’ll just start reading more.

2010-01-06T17:07:00.002-07:00

Everyone can rest easy tonight: We now know the value of pi to 2.7 trillion digits. I don't know about you, but, back in August 2009 (when the previous world record was only 2.6 trillion), I developed a bout of insomnia. My mind couldn't stop calculating the additional 123 billion digits that led to the new record. But, thanks to Fabrice Bellard, I -- and, presumably, you -- can finally get some sleep.

Seriously, though. Pi to 2.7 trillion digits? My favorite line from the article: "These herculean computations form part of a branch of mathematics known as arbitrary-precision arithmetic." Yeah, no kidding. Except that, at this point, "arbitrary" is an understatement.

I've started watching Night Court, the 1984 sitcom with Harry Anderson and John Larroqqueettee (a.k.a. the guy with way too many double-letters in his name. [Okay, okay, so it's only two Rs and two Ts, but still. Larroquette. As if.]). Anyway, I've been thoroughly, thoroughly enjoying it. This is surprising for two reasons. One, the fact that it's 26 years old and yet still holds up incredibly well. And, two, a guy named Reinhold Weege created it (and wrote most of the first-season episodes). Reinhold? Weege? I can only imagine the kind of torment and ridicule he faced in elementary school. (There were probably several references to, among other things, "squeegee" and "wedgie.") So yeah, if you're looking for some Klassic Komedy from the Keighties, check out Night Court. (I was hoping to go for some sort of KKK joke [Why? I don't know.], but it fizzled out before it even began.)

2010-01-04T11:43:00.002-07:00

Editor's note: (We don't have an editor. So make that "author's note.") This response began as a comment to Adam's previous post, but then it got kind of long, so I decided to make it its own separate thing. So sorry, Adam, for depriving you of a comment.

That lala.com site is amazing. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'll be using it a lot from now on.

I, too, have seen Animal Collective's Merriweather Post Pavilion album all over the place. I haven't had much of a desire to check it out, though, only because I've been to the actual Merriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, Maryland and it's really not all that great. And yes, I base all of my interest in a CD solely on its title and whether or not I've visited there (if applicable). (This also explains my reluctance to listen to Raditude. [On a side note: Leave it to Rock Band to get me to listen to a couple of Raditude tracks. I actually bought "(If You’re Wondering...)" because it has a kick-ass bass-line. The lyrics sound pretty blah, but you’re right -- Cuomo can still write a catchy tune. The "Let It All Hang Out" song, however, didn't fare quite as well.])

However, I'm going to attempt a slight defense for Phoenix. I do agree that it's not going to change the face of indie-dance-pop forever-and-ever, but it is pretty good. When it comes to listening to new music, I feel like a crotchety old man. I blame it on the radio station, when I had to listen to and review way too many CDs. Very few of them were in the good-to-great camp. Everything else just sort of blended together in an average-to-below-average stew of stuff I'd heard before. So, no, I did not have an earth-shattering experience listening to Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. But you know, I did like it. (Even with its relatively stupid-sounding album name.) They take a formula that's been around for a while and do it surprisingly well.

I also started listening to the XX (xx?) album. Sounds good, so far. It was on the track "Islands," though, that I realized that the guy's voice totally sounds like Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords.

Thanks to lala.com, I will also look into two other artists: Blue Roses and A Camp. Those come from the BBC's year's-best list. Judging from their MySpace songs, they both sound catchy and fun and innocuous enough.

Finally, I also had trouble thinking of CDs I really, really, really liked from last year. Another reason I didn't make a Top 10 list. Don't think I would've made it past 5.

So that was the would-be comment. See, way too long. I just have two more things from the news today I want to mention.

1. The world's tallest tower opens in Dubai. Apparently it is 828 meters (2, 716 feet) high. That's crazy. Look at the comparison-graph thing to see how other landmarks measure up. (Ugh, sorry about the pun. Couldn't help it, though.) Here's a quote from the article: "Declaring that 'tall buildings are back,' the [architect] company predicts that the groundbreaking techniques it used to push the Burj Khalifa to new heights should enable the construction of even taller towers in the future." Wait, what? We're going to create even taller buildings? Really? Is this thought kind of unsettling to anyone else? And speaking of unsettling news...

2. Someone hung an effigy of President Obama in... guess where... none other than Plains, Georgia! Stay classy, Georgia.

2010-01-03T11:45:00.001-07:00

I’ve been undergoing what you could call a research project recently. When The Onion’s top albums of the year came out, and I had heard very few of them, I decided I wanted to hear what was going on in music this year. My difficulty in coming up with a Top 10 Albums of 2009 list made me feel like maybe I was losing my grip on the music scene. I mean, it happens to everyone eventually. How many grandparents do you know listening to Paramore? Probably not many. Or you just have really hip grandparents. So, courtesy of lala.com, I have been going through several top albums of the year lists and listening to the albums, or as much as I can until my ears start bleeding. The disturbing results conclusively point to me not understanding or liking where indie music is heading right now. I focused on indie music because, let’s face it, mainstream music will never be anything other than catchy bubblegum pop music to appeal to the masses’ urge to shake their asses. My ass doesn’t shake (except I guess it does because the fat in it probably wobbles, but I think you get what I’m saying, and I also think you probably didn’t need that image), so I’m forced to rely on the indie scene to reach deep into my body and touch me (you probably didn’t need that image either). It seems to me that the music scene that’s popular right now is this electronic driven ambient music that sounds like high pitched monks chanting over the sounds of a busy freeway.

The album that overwhelmingly dominated Top lists was definitely Animal Collective’s “Merriweather Post Pavilion.” Because of its astounding popularity amongst the indie giants, I was willing to give it two chances. The first time I didn’t like it. The songs sounded fuzzy, there was no energy, and it seemed less like a band and more like a couple of guys who just discovered that computers can make noises. So I researched a little more, and there was literally not a single person in this entire world that thought MPP was any less than an earth-shaking revelation of an album, destined to be ranked with OK Computer, Abbey Road, Dark Side of the Moon, Appetite for Destruction, Ziggy Startdust, etc. as one of history’s great albums. Knowing now what I was getting myself into, I dove headfirst into the song that was supposed to make all other songs seem like chimps screaming while scratching their fingernails down chalkboards, “My Girls.” Having listened to the song the whole way through twice, I can now say for sure that today’s music critics and fans are impressed by two guys who just discovered that computers can make noises. This band sounds like you’re listening to an analog radio that isn’t quite tuned into a station, so some music is kind of coming through but it’s buried behind a wall of static. It’s not catchy, it’s not talented, and it doesn’t sound good.

Okay, so maybe I’m not in the Animal Collective camp. Not everyone is destined to like every band, right? There are people out there who think the Beatles made bad music. So, onto the next standout from the Top lists: Pheonix’s “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix.” While not the second coming of the Christ that APP was supposed to be, this one purports to be some kind of French indie-rock genius. And, having listened to it twice, I am prepared to bring everyone back down to Earth: It’s harmless pop music that would feel right at home on the radio. It’s not bad. It’s not particularly good. It’s dancey, which I don’t really like. Kind of like a more stomach-able version of Franz Ferdinand. But I don’t hear anything here that makes me like this any more than the newest inoffensive mainstream rock record.

All right, so on to the next: Grizzly Bear’s “Veckatimest.” I’m starting to catch onto a trend here. This is nearly indistinguishable from Animal Collective. It’s electronic noises, guys who can’t really sing, songs that meander but don’t go anywhere, or climax, or swell, or fade. Just what I’m now calling “indie music.” And it’s about this point in my listening that I realize something. I’m not really into where music is headed right now. There’s a reason I didn’t find much new music in 2009. There’s not much new music coming out right now that I like. I used to think I was a pretty open-minded guy when it came to music. My tastes have certainly diversified from when I was in high school and early college when it was punk punk punk. But I see a trend happening here where we’re getting away from traditional song structures and instruments, and that’s all well and good, but when you sacrifice music for the sake of art, I can’t get behind that. I’m all for trying new things if the results are good, but much like splattering paint on canvas is not art, neither is making weird sounds “music.”

That said, I found some value in bands I hadn’t listened to before, like Dirty Projectors (the first song on Bitte Orca is excellent, and the rest is too arty), Florence and the Machine, Tune-Yards (I refuse to capitalize her band the way she does) and… uh… yeah. I also found completely mediocre music from bands like Cass McCombs, Japandroids, St. Vincent, and Girls, music that entered and left my brain within seconds. Checking out the Punknews Top lists, I was shown just how narrow-minded I am. Polar Bear Club’s “Chasing Hamburg,” a well-above-average punk record resonated much more with me than the world-changing Merriweather Post Pavilion. Thrice’s new album “Beggars,” a mature, well-written and –played album that’s surely their strongest since The Illusion of Safety, has much more meaning than the surface level pop music on “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix.” I guess I just like what I like. Music, played with instruments, with good lyrics and good energy. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

2010-01-01T13:57:00.003-07:00

I have twenty minutes. In twenty minutes, I have to move my laundry from the washer to the dryer. So this'll be quick. (Wow, the first post of 2010 is off to an exciting start!)

I'm ready to call it: The first major fashion-travesty of 2010 goes to... Shania Twain. Did you happen to catch her performance shortly after midnight? I did, unfortunately. Now, I'm not exactly privy to all the intricacies of making an outfit aesthetically pleasing. I think that should be evident to anyone who's seen the way I dress. But I can definitely tell when an ensemble is absolutely awful. And I think, last night, Shania Twain was a perfect example of what not to wear. Ever. Especially around a group of children. These little kids were all sitting Indian-style (is that term un-PC, by the way?) on stage and she was prancing around in this atrocity of an outfit. I can't even describe it. So congratulations, Shania! Way to look relatively tramp-ish in front of innocent children! And within the first ten minutes of the new year, no less!

I'm about 35% OCD, and I have a new gadget to feed that compulsion: a pedometer. I've been keeping track of the number of steps and miles I walk each day. Why? Mostly out of curiosity. Especially when I walk around downtown. But it certainly lends itself well to obsessive record-keeping, that's for sure.

Almost time to switch out the laundry. Before I go: I've been reading Dance, Dance, Dance by Haruki Murakami. It's the sequel to A Wild Sheep Chase, which I read last semester. It's been okay, but I definitely like A Wild Sheep Chase better. The thing is, I feel a little weird carrying a book called Dance, Dance, Dance with me on the subway. I think it sends the wrong message, especially to people who don't know it's not at all about dancing. Which is to say, everyone.

All right, laundry. Happy new year! Hope you have a good one.

2009-12-30T11:00:00.002-07:00

Here we go, the much-hyped 150th post of the year. Does it bring the funny? A little, for sure. Does it live up to the hype? Maybe. Did we make it? We made it.

I'm going to refrain from doing any sort of Top 10 list, mostly because it'd be nearly identical to Adam's. I'd throw in "In the Loop" and "Coraline" to the movie list, as well as Saxon Shore's "It Doesn't Matter" to the CDs, but, otherwise, he pretty much hit upon the things I liked this year. Especially the Lucero, Avett Brothers, and Neko Case albums. Fantastic.

Instead, to celebrate the culmination of another year, I decided to paste together a massive collage of one-sentence excerpts from each of my updates. I was mostly looking for things that would sound funny out of context, but I'd normally pick the first sentence that caught my eye. Here's my conclusion to 2009: It was a good year. I think it's only natural to anticipate the coming year, but 2009 was fun. I knew fairly early on that I'd be moving to New York sometime in the summer. That realization alone made my remaining time in Virginia all the more enjoyable, somehow. Then, in July, I started my life up here, which has been great. The thing I'm most looking forward to next year? Spending all 12 months here.

Thanks for your time, your patience, and your support this past year. Stay cool.

It's nice to be back. You're getting raw, unedited, uncut (and uncensored!) email. Let's get this show started! Also, I can’t even tell you how many times, as a kid, I’d go outside and replay the scene at the beginning of the movie with Marty on the hoverboard when he’s stuck on the water. Soon I will have to update this blog in the middle of the night. I would put this CD in my CD player (because mp3 players weren’t around at the time, kids), put the CD player on repeat, and do puzzles for hours on end. (Warning: do not expose to young children or the easily startled.) My goal is to make it on EVERY SINGLE ONE of the Girls Gone Wild videos. The bags of beads -- usually containing 8 to 10 pairs of beads -- are like missiles. Despite the fact that no one seemed to be paying attention to him, he was up there, jamming out, lip-syncing the words to all the songs on his killer mix. I swear I don't constantly watch the Game Show Network. Someone gave me a thesaurus one time, but it was a boring gift, so I threw it away. LEWIS: I’m roaming again. Nine matches, and we lost all of them. I'm not ashamed to admit that I made a mistake doing the laundry the other day. Who are you, Billy Mays? I am the rabbit that, one day, ate some carrots and, thus, had good eyesight. As with all Kaufman movies, I knew it required a second viewing. But seriously again: People who interpret dreams, what the hell does my dream mean? Why can't I not think of Johnny Depp when I hear about pirates? But really, if book reviewers started using words like "Psh!," I'd probably start reading book reviews. (Apparently I've traded in my love of colons for a love of forward slashes.) Either Devon's vocal range is exactly the same as mine, or I have just as bad of a voice as he does. Richard Meader, thank you. Seriously, CNN, what the fuck? Is it inherently sad or inherently awesome that I'm drinking a glass of wine while making macaroni and cheese for dinner? My blog posts have been very short recently. Now I have to get back to my cupcakes. Still, where else can you witness an epic battle between a barrel-throwing devil and a sexy 8-bit woman? Those despondent, cruel, black-and-white worlds where everything sucks and everyone acts so fucking hopeless all the time. Unfortunately, it was a decidedly average book. Oh. The second video represents a monumental leap in quality... of the transitional effects. So, yeah, my unpacking is pretty much complete. Super glad they have "Twist and Shout" on the disc, as that's one of the Top 5 songs I was hoping for. Does Rivers Cuomo think he's still a teenager? My ongoing enjoying-the-fruits-of-the-city-as-well-as-using-hyphens-to-join-words adventures continue today. If only I had Yahoo Answers in high school. What the hell was I talking about five minutes ago? It's really very hard for me to take anyone who says "queasy" seriously. So yeah, trip out, man. Though I can assume that Adam had a non-stop week of drunken debauchery in a place called Bisbee, AZ. Rock Cock. So my stealing his cool lighter wasn't some deftly performed theft, it was just me waiting until he passed out. The milk I buy around here has a weird name. This is because, while I like bananas, they are not, in fact, "the shit," as Gwen Stefani would have us believe. I've long given up on CNN.com providing useful news. The least you can do is offer anal. The Beatles: Rock Band is a beautiful, beautiful thing. It's kind of like what Ben and I did in the kitchen of our old apartment, except this time I'm getting a grade and I have to write formal papers. Damn you, Marcel Proust! The Weakerthans put on a fantastic show last night. That sounds a lot more edgy and cool without an explanation. Happy 100th post! But the absolute stupidest fucking idea I've ever heard is thinking the President of the United States should be killed because of this. He's probably a toolbag, but still. Can Toby Keith stop making music? He's left-handed, by the way. If you have anything that can inoculate you against bitterness and stupidity, now would be the time to administer a dosage. Maybe I just like song titles with question marks in them. Now get downloadin' and burnin' and reacquaintin' with your southern roots. This is really an observation of no consequence whatsoever, I just felt like pointing it out on behalf of scrawny people everywhere. As I'm eating a bowl of cereal, I decide to look at the ingredients labels on the various foods I have in my cabinet. Think there's someone in the world whose absolute favorite band is UB40? Everything is just a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy with no origin. And that's how I was able to get to Irving Plaza. Highlights from the past week (in no particular order): calling Montezuma an asshole in my Literary Criticisms class. Instances of Awkward or Unfortunate Juxtapositions. But no, everything's always so damn serious. Lucero is the band of the day. Not to mention the fact that some of the things she's said have been beyond stupid. What lyrics would you change, given the ability to harness this amazing power? But I'll get back to the (old-man rants / discography analyzes / 14-year-old wanna-be-skater-douche rants) soon. "There are times when he makes a point and I don't understand what the fuck it ties into." What if it's actually one of the best releases of 2009 and no one's given it a shot because of its horrible name and horrible cover art? Does anyone else here completely suck at Pictionary? In case you're wondering, I do a pretty good Cher impersonation. See, I told you I'd be back soon. Thanks, Adam, for taking one for the team and actually listening to Raditude. Can I get my I-didn’t-realize-he-was-that-big-of-a-dork badge now? Me with my one-quarter-turned baseball cap. Burn, Burn, Burn, Motherfucker! Moral: Don't hand Jude Law books. But hey, we're almost at 150 posts. We made it.

2009-12-28T12:33:00.003-07:00

Let’s face it: 2009 was a shitty year for this country. We went through an economic downturn, we were engaged in wars that will never end, we lost a lot of famous (and non-famous) people, Jon and Kate divorced, we had terrorist threats and attempted attacks. Not great. Personally, 2009 was a year of change. Moved to Denver, got a new job, and basically gave my life the shot in the arm it needed to break out of the slump. I’ve been exercising, I slightly altered my appearance, I’m living alone and loving the freedom, liking the city and being able to walk to wherever I want to go, and enjoying having the free time to actually live the life a 26 year old should be living, instead of the life of a corpse I was living in Fort Collins. 2009 was the year that I realized my family will not live forever, and it was a hard realization to come to, with my grandma having a massive stroke that she’ll probably never fully recover from, and my grandpa Murray becoming gaunt and racked with rashes. I made new friends, met new people, and started writing this blog again. This year I decided to do a few “Top” lists, and I also decided instead of writing paragraphs about each thing, I’d just write a sentence, so that this post isn’t any longer than it already will be. Here are the lists:

Music
1. Lucero – 1372 Overton Park: Horns, keyboards, and some of the best songs Lucero’s ever written. Not a dud on the disc.
2. Neko Case – Middle Cyclone: Her most mature album yet, worth spending an entire day trying to find it.
3. The Avett Brothers – I and Love and You: I miss the old rockers, but they know how to write a piano ballad.
4. Manchester Orchestra – Mean Everything to Nothing: Leaps and bounds better than the first album, these guys have a bright, bright future.
5. The Mountain Goats – The Life of the World to Come: Quiet and rocking alternately, this is their best album since The Sunset Tree
6. Propagandhi – Supporting Caste: Didn’t hit me as hard as Potemkin City Limits, but continues their tradition of being the best hard punk band out there.
7. Mastodon – Crack the Skye: Metal!
8. Decemberists – The Hazards of Love: Not as good as The Crane Wife, but I still like the way they weave themes and repeat songs throughout their albums.
9. Brother Ali – Us: Hands down the best rapper on the planet.
10. The XX – XX: Sexy music about sex.
Honorable mention – John Paul Keith and the One Four Fives – Spills and Thrills: If this came out in 1959, these guys would be millionaires

7”s/EPs
1. Lawrence Arms – Buttsweat and Tears: The Slowest Drink At the Saddest Bar on the Snowiest Day in the Greatest City is one of the best songs of the year.
2. John K Samson – City Route 85: Sounds like The Weakerthans, and that’s never a bad thing.
3. Paint it Black – Amnesia/Surrender: I’m not much into hardcore, but I am much into Paint it Black.

Movies
1. The Fantastic Mr Fox – I loved every glorious second of this movie. Wes Anderson’s best since The Royal Tenenbaums.
2. Adventureland – I did not expect this to be so good, but it was so good. Funny and touching and meaningful.
3. The Hangover – Best comedy of the year, and an entertaining movie to boot.
4. Inglorious Basterds – No one can make two people talking in a room more suspenseful than Quentin Tarantino
5. District 9 – Best science fiction movie in a looooong time.
6. Zombieland – I love zombie movies. This is a movie for people who love zombie movies.
7. Up – Good year for animated movies. This one has the best opening sequence of any movie of the year.
8. Drag me to Hell – Finally, someone made a horror movie that isn’t this torture-porn, let’s be as graphic as possible shit. This was scary and funny as hell.
9. The Road – As good an adaptation of the book as anyone could hope for.
10. I Love You Man – I had to pick a 10th. I actually thought this was a little weak as far as this crew normally goes, but it was still okay.

Concerts
1. Against Me/Ted Leo/Future of the Left – One great band, two great bands, three great bands. Perfect show.
2. Lucero/Jack Oblivian/John Paul Keith and the One Four Fives – Jack Oblivian kind of sucked, but the new Lucero is amazing, and JPK was the best opening band I heard all year.
3. Neko Case/Some dudes from Calexico – Calexico bored me, but Neko Case sounds just as good in concert as she does recorded, and her banter is hilarious. And she’s hot.
4. Flobots/Kinetix/Houses – Surprise show of the year! Houses is a solid rock band, Kinetix surprised me with some bring-you-to-your-knees awesome lead guitar and really talented musicianship, and the Flobots were also good.
5. Gaslight Anthem/Murder by Death – I was super hyped for this, and it was good, but not transcendent. Performances were uninspired.

I have one New Year’s Resolution: Keep being awesome.

If anyone has any Top lists of their own, or any comments about 2009, please put them in the comments below.

See you in 2010!

2009-12-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

I think I’m going to start calling Google “The Goog.” “So, I was on The Goog last night and found out that etc etc.” It’s like The Fonz. People will think I have this awesome friend who hops motorcycles over shark tanks and stuff. Except, I better not say “I was on The Goog” last night if that’s the case. Maybe “The Goog told me.” I’ll work it out. Not all my ideas spring fully formed from my head like Athena.

I’ve finally gotten to check out Amy Hempel’s short stories. I wanted to look into her since I heard from Chuck Palahniuk that she was a big influence on him. And I have to say, having read most of her first collection, she was a BIG influence on him. Their writing styles sometimes could be identical, which is awesome. Simple, striking language. I’ve always been a fan of the short story form, because I have the attention span of a newborn goldfish. I also think it takes a lot of talent to be able to tell a story or make someone feel something in less than 10 pages. Not all of the stories in Hempel’s book work, but the ones that do are amazing. In particular, I don’t know that I’ve ever read something that illustrates grief as succinctly and pitch perfectly as “In the Cemetery where Al Jolson is Buried.” If you can find a way to read that, you should, because it’s an amazing story. Also in the short story department, I haven’t recommended Raymond Carver in a while, and I would just like to take this opportunity to let everyone know his stories are so good. So good.

Anyway, a Grandma update is probably in order. She was getting slowly better every day, then she had a couple of days of setbacks where she couldn’t talk anymore. Then she started getting better again. Now she’s out of the hospital and in a rehab place, where she’s receiving four hours of therapy a day instead of the 30 minutes she was getting at the hospital. I haven’t been able to talk to her for a few days, but Grandpa says that she’s able to put a few words together into sentences now. She understands everything that everyone is saying to her, even if she can’t respond. And he said yesterday that she took her first difficult steps since the stroke. She’s gotten to shower and change into her own clothing, and Grandpa said that really cheered her up. The therapists say that she’s probably got another 4-6 weeks in therapy before she can go home, but they seem to expect her to get back to 95%. That’s pretty good.

There’s a woman who works here, Dona, whose husband had a massive stroke a couple of months ago. He was basically a vegetable at the beginning. Last week, he came in to the office and it was remarkable how well he was doing. He was talking at a good pace, he was showing us how he could move his arms up over his head, and stretch his legs. Walking was hard for him, and he forgot words so he had to kind of talk his way around a lot of things. I heard he cried the whole way home because he felt like he’d made a fool out of himself in front of everyone, but Heather was tearing up, and I was trying hard not to do the same. I don’t know if stroke victims know what they’ve been through, but no one in the room thought he was anything but great. He had a sense of humor, he had a fire in his eyes, and he wants to get better. If he can come back from something like that, Grandma can come back too. But, this will be the first Christmas without her at the table, without her world’s-greatest potato salad and sweet potato casserole.

December’s almost over, and after this post we have two more to make it to our arbitrary goal of 150 posts this year. That’s damn near one post every two to three days. I probably won’t post again until after Christmas. Just so you know, my last post of the year will probably be some form of a Top 10 list. Music or movies or games or something. I just can never remember what came out until everyone else puts their lists out. So then I steal from them. I’m headed to Atlanta later this week, and my birthday happens, and Christmas happens, so yeah. Anyway, I get back on Dec 27, so sometime thereafter I’ll see you again. Oh, and today’s my grandpa’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Grandpa!

2009-12-20T19:45:00.002-07:00

Brian here. Sorry for the absence. Had kind of a busy week. Not only working on the last of my papers, but also doing MFA/social things. Fun times. But let me get right to the breaking news...

Brittany Murphy died? At 32? Crazy. I never followed her work closely, but I liked her. Both the CNN and BBC News articles mentioned Ashton Kutcher's Twitter update. CNN then went on to quote from two or three other famous people's Twitters. Look, it's cool if celebrities want to use Twitter. And it's cool if they want to use Twitter to offer condolences (however tacky a forum to do so that seems to me). But seriously, CNN? You're going to use Twitter as one of your main sources of information in the article? Granted, not a whole lot of info has been released (probably) since the story is still so fresh. But why not just make a shorter article, like BBC News did?

Ugh. I wanted to do something funny here since I haven't done something funny in a while. Instead, I just ended up cutting a poorly-written old-man rant about the internet and how it leads to stupid people doing stupid shit all the time. (I cited the IMDB message boards for Brittany Murphy's profile.) Guess I'm just not feeling the funny right now.

But hey, we're almost at 150 posts. With this, that leaves two posts for Adam and one more for me, then we're there. Nice.

I've been listening to Josh Ritter's The Animal Years album recently. "Thin Blue Flame," in particular. It runs nine-and-a-half minutes and never gets boring, to me. Here is one of my favorite lines: "If what's loosed on earth will be loosed on high, / it's a hell of a heaven we must go to when we die."

I'm headed down to Virginia tomorrow. I'll be back a couple days before the end of the year. I'll check in one last time then. Hopefully with the funny.

2009-12-16T14:52:00.001-07:00

Journal entry number 146. Stardate: December 16, 2009. The year was 2009. The day was somewhere in between Tuesday and Thursday. One man sat down at his computer and composed the following, and the world was never the same:

Dear American Airlines is a book that is 180 pages long and took me twice as many days to read. Since we’ve been on the topic of book reviews recently (and yes, dear readers, I am fully aware of how “exciting” this topic has been), here is my review of Dear American Airlines. It sounds interesting. A novel length letter to American Airlines from a man whose flight to his estranged daughter’s wedding was cancelled, asking for money back. Throughout the letter, we learn about him, his past, his failed relationship with his daughter and her mother. He comes to know himself better and thus, we witness, through a refund request, a man’s transformation from jerk to jerk who knows he’s a jerk. Sounds interesting, right? Well, not so much. There are sections of this book that are fantastic, normally the ones involving the man describing his past actions with a sense of forlorn longing, wishing he could go back and change things. These sections of the book account for, by my estimation, a quarter to a third of the book. They’re great. They’re well written and they read fast. The other (we’ll say) two thirds of the book are split between the man describing what’s going on in the airport, which is okay but pretty pointless, and serves to remind us over and over and over again that he’s stuck in the airport and it’s uncomfortable and he isn’t happy about it; and a translation he’s working on of some Polish book. These sections are almost unbearable, because they have little to do with our hero’s plight, and the story they tell isn’t interesting. The book actually ends on one of these translated sections, and while I was hoping that it would finally tie this in to the main story arc, it didn’t, making the book feel like it was really straining to get to its already short length of 180 pages. So, skip it. It would have been a nice short story, if he had just focused on telling us our protagonist’s backstory, but it just doesn’t work as a novel, with so much padding.

It’s my favorite time of year. No, not Christmas time. Not Hanukkah time. It’s time for everyone to put out their end of the year lists! Best Music, Best Movies, Best Games, etc. And, as an added bonus, everyone is doing Best Whatevers of the DECADE! It’s like a super list! Oh, how I love lists. Well, anyway, these decade lists are weird because, really, how are you going to pick the single best album that came out in the last 10 years? Rolling Stone picked Radiohead’s “Kid A,” an album that I just don’t like. I know it’s supposedly one of the best things man has ever created, but I don’t like it. OK Computer was great. Kid A is too weird. The songs aren’t strong. I realize that Radiohead was experimenting and trying new things, but they left the songs behind. I listened to Kid A when I was in high school. I listened to it in college. I listened to it within the last year. And I just don’t like it. I’m sorry. The other one I remember is Paste Magazine calling Sufjan Stevens’ “Illinois” the best album of the decade. Sure, it’s a good album, but the best one of the decade? Illinois is one of the most painstakingly created albums I’ve ever heard. There’s so much going on, so many noises, sounds, instruments, vocals, backing vocals, that it’s no wonder that Stevens has basically given up on creating music now. But it’s not the best album I heard this decade. “So,” you ask, “if you’re going to tear everyone else’s choices apart, what is the best album of the decade?” The best album of the decade, without a doubt, is Justin Timberlake’s “Futuresex/lovesounds.”

One more thing. For the most part, I agree with Brian’s assessment of The Onion’s Top 50 Movies of the Decade: I’ve seen about half. The ones I’ve seen are memorable enough. I don’t really have a problem with them. I agree that Eternal Sunshine is probably the best movie I saw in the ‘00’s. I like The 25th Hour too, though I don’t know that it would make my top 10. But anyway, The New World is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. It’s a week and a half long, nothing happens, and by the time I was done watching it I had died from boredom and been reincarnated as the cool dude you know me as today. It’s in the top 10 movies of the decade though. You can ask whoever I watched that movie with (Cam or Danny), that movie sucks. It sucks not only because it’s boring and stupid and nothing happens and I would have had more fun listening to Justin Timberlake’s “Futuresex/lovesounds” for the seventeen years it took me to watch The New World, but also because it’s got that air of pretention that apparently fooled some people into thinking that there was a single redeeming factor about that movie. Like (read this in a British accent) “Yes, quite, quite the good movie, yes, hrumph hrumble, indeed, quite.” Give me a break with this New World shit.

Stardate: 20 minutes after the stardate at the beginning of this. World: Changed.

2009-12-14T16:16:00.001-07:00

The Road by Cormac McCarthy is probably the best book I’ve ever read. If not the best, top three easily. It’s a relentlessly realistic portrayal of the end of the world, and a father and son’s trip to the coast and south. They’re not going to the coast because they know things are better there; they’re going because they know it can’t get any worse than where they are. What caused the end of the world is never mentioned, aside from a truly memorable sentence thrown in at a seemingly innocuous place: “There was a sheer white light, and a series of low concussions.” That’s it. It’s a sentence that’s full of menace, because you don’t know what the light and the concussions are, or what caused them. All you know is the world has been reduced to ash. Ash floats in the air, coats everything, falls like snow. The portrait you get is that of a black and white world. White and gray ash everywhere, with black, dead trees sprouting up.

Roving bands of looters and cannibals roam the land, looking for food. There is no humanity left. After the end, people were reduced to their basest instincts. No one has a name. There’s no point in names anymore. The child was born after the world ended, and it’s all he’s ever known. His father is tasked with teaching the boy how to live in this cruel world, and telling him about the way things used to be, before. Finding a can of Coke is a rare glimmer of the old world, as is visiting the house in which the father grew up. The smallest good fortune, like the Coke can, seem like the best things in the world compared to the desolate despair that pervades every other second of their lives. There are plenty of horrifying situations in this world: babies roasting on spits for food, cellars full of dismembered naked people, their limbs having been cut off for their masters to consume.

In case you haven’t read the book, I won’t ruin everything. It’s a harrowing read, one you won’t want to do if you’re depressed, but the prose is magnificent, matching in tone the world it portrays, and while there’s not much that actually HAPPENS to the characters, the bond between father and son is portrayed perfectly, and you care deeply about each of them. By the time the ending happens, you’re in tears. Speaking of the ending, it is the perfect end to a nearly perfect journey. I read this book shortly after it came out, and when I heard they were making it into a movie, I was both excited and terrified. The book doesn’t lend itself to a movie, and I was worried that Hollywood would come in and wreck its mood, turning it into a slightly harder version of 2012.

I saw the movie this weekend, and I was actually impressed. The landscapes they found to try to match the tone of the book are very impressive, and I believed wholeheartedly that this was the world described in the book. That said, even these otherworldly ghost-scapes could not match the intense darkness of the book. Some color seeps in, which I didn’t feel like existed in the book. I had mixed feelings about the voiceovers as well. I thought the movie spoke for itself, and didn’t need Viggo Mortensen to tell us what was going on. That said, the voiceovers were some of the best passages from the book, and I’m glad that people who saw the movie and didn’t read the book got to hear them. I was disappointed that the “sheer white light, and series of low concussions” was voiced over instead of shown. I would have loved to see the bedroom light up and hear “boom boom boom” in the distance.

The increased presence of the mother, who was barely in the book, was not as bad as I thought it would be. Her scenes served as a reminder of better times, and a devastating story of what the end of the world drives people to do. Most of the important scenes from the book are present here, with a few added or expanded on that actually add to the story. One scene in the beginning has a family hanging from the rafters. The boy asks his dad why they killed themselves, and he replies “You know why.” Scenes like that, coupled with powerful scenes of the father showing the boy how to shoot himself in the head, and the fantastically disturbing aforementioned “basement human meat” scene, serve to illustrate just how bad things are, since McCarthy’s descriptive prose is absent in the movie.

The acting is across the board excellent, from the main two characters to the surprisingly high profile supporting characters. Robert Duvall in particular is astounding, partly because you can’t even tell it’s him until halfway through his screen time, he’s so haggard and devastated looking, and partly because he takes a character that was ever so briefly in the book and turns it into the most interesting person they meet along the way. And the ending that was so pitch perfect in the book is largely intact here, which I was so grateful to see. They did alter it slightly to take some of that wonderful ambiguity out of it, but they didn’t change it into a “everyone lives happily ever after” affair that would have negated the whole thing. Overall, I was pleased with what they were able to do with a book that by all accounts shouldn’t have ever been attempted to make into a movie. Not perfect, but faithful, and an extremely solid effort. I do think that, even though the movie isn’t as good as the book, it helps to have read the book before seeing the movie. Really, though, my point here is just this: Read The Road. It’s awesome. Then, see the movie. Just not if you’re depressed, or you like romantic comedies.

2009-12-14T10:35:00.002-07:00

I had a dream. Not in that world-changing, bridging-racial-divides way, but a literal dream. One that I remembered when I woke up this morning. And, much like the other dream I remembered recently, this one involves a celebrity: Jude Law. Yeah, we were just hanging out. Whatever. No biggie. We went to a modified dream-world version of the ISAT part of JMU's campus. Afterward, we headed back to my apartment in downtown New York. (Apparently ISAT is in the lower east side of Manhattan. Who knew?) Anyway, somehow -- maybe because I prompted him, I don't know -- Jude started reciting parts of Hamlet. Except that he couldn't remember anything past the first two lines of this one soliloquy. So I grabbed my Bevington-edited The Complete Works of William Shakespeare and flipped through it. However, the inside of the text was plagued with large, colorful advertisements. It was like looking at a teen magazine. One page would be an excerpt from, say, Macbeth, then, on the other, was a huge ad for (I think one of them might have been) Super Mario Brothers. Interpretations I derive from this: rampant marketing/commercialism; Shakespeare is somehow a sell-out; Brian needs to stop taking drugs before going to bed. Regardless, I finally found the passage Jude Law needed. He read it over. I said, "Good thing you're done performing Hamlet, huh?" And he said, "Tonight's the last show." Then he had to leave to get to the theater in time. In all this bustle, I didn't realize until after he left that he had stolen my Shakespeare book. Moral: Don't hand Jude Law books. He will steal them.

Did you catch Thursday's episode of The Daily Show? If not, this was a great bit:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Beck - Not So Mellow Gold

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

I really do not like Glenn Beck. I don't understand how he gets away with the kind of propaganda shit he gets away with.

2009-12-12T15:44:00.002-07:00

I’m almost done with all my work for the semester. All I have left is an analytical paper for my Theory class and a creative assignment for my literature class. Over the past three-and-a-half months, I read fifteen books. Yowza. And now, the mini-reviews (in no particular order):

Books That Brian Will Hereafter Force upon Others and Make Them Read ASAP, Lest They Burn in Eternal Damnation (So Help Them God) (a.k.a. The Ones I Really Liked)

--Jesus’ Son by Denis Johnson: A short collection (yay short books!) of linked short stories. Johnson does cool stuff with language. I thought he captured the gritty desperation of living in a rural area quite well. (Kind of reminds me of what life must’ve been like for the townies in Harrisonburg.)

--Pedro Paramo by Juan Rulfo: Another short book. I haven’t read Marquez, so take that into consideration when I say: Pedro Paramo is the best surrealist/magical realism book I’ve ever read. Lots of fun. Kind of creepy, at times, but fun.

--The Hour of the Star by Clarice Lispector: You have to be a fan of post-modern authorial intervention to enjoy this book, otherwise you will quickly become annoyed with the narrative. But if you’re cool with that, then you’re in for one amazing ride. I read the New Directions translation and couldn’t believe it was a translation.

--A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami: I mentioned this book earlier, and how I read the first hundred pages in the span of 24 hours. Crazy. Of all the books on this list, this is by far the easiest to read. The most non-English major-y, if that makes sense. It has an engrossing story, and, unlike Pedro Paramo, it’s fun without being creepy. Well, depending on your definition of "creepy," I guess.

--The Daydreaming Boy by Micheline Aharonian Marcom: I really got absorbed into this story. The world Marcom creates was incredibly vivid to me. Couple that with her stylistic elements, and you have yourself a very talented writer. I thoroughly enjoyed this read. (It’s pretty short, too. Er, reads quickly, anyway.)

Books That Brian Would Most Likely Object to Tossing into a Bonfire, Were This Germany, Circa 1933 (a.k.a. The Ones I Thought Were Pretty Good)

--Stick Out Your Tongue by Ma Jian: Ever want to shatter that image of Tibetans as peaceful, quiet people that only do good? Read this book. It’s fiction, but fiction-based-on-real-life.

--Ideas of Heaven by Joan Silber: A series of five short stories that have subtle links tying them together. My favorite piece is the titular story.

--Paris Stories by Mavis Gallant: We only read five or six of the stories in this collection, so, technically, I didn’t read the entire book. Whatever. She’s a French-Canadian writing stories about French-Canadians (for the most part).

--By Night in Chile by Roberto Bolano: My second Bolano read. I liked it better than The Savage Detectives. He’s still not my favorite, but I feel like this is a good introduction to him. (Who do I think I am? Some sort of Bolano expert, having read two of his books?)

--The Cattle Killing by John Edgar Wideman: I read this book out loud. Not only because it helped me concentrate on the text, but also because Wideman has a fantastic ear for language. I was particularly impressed with the tonal qualities of his words.

Books That Brian Would Recommend Maybe Checking Out (If You’re into That Sort of Thing), Should You Find Them in the Bargain Bin Somewhere (a.k.a. The Ones I Thought Were Okay)

--S/Z by Roland Barthes: You have to be in a structuralist/post-structuralist literary-theory mindset to want to read this book. It’s dense, but there are some amazing moments to it, if you understand it. And therein lies the problem: I had a hard time understanding most of it.

--Practicing New Historicism by Catherine Gallagher and Stephen Greenblatt: This book is six chapters long (plus an introduction). The intro and first two chapters are about New Historical tendencies. It’s not the most interesting read in the world, but important to getting a gist for who they are. The last four chapters are hit-or-miss discussions using New Historicism in practice. You won’t look at potatoes ever the same again, if you read chapter four.

--Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust: Even with three weeks, I still feel like I had to rush through Proust. Maybe I would’ve enjoyed it more if I had the chance to read him at a more leisurely pace. I don’t know. What I can say: I’m glad that I read it. And when Proust is on, he is fucking on. More than any other writer I can think of, he tackles issues about what it means to be human. Unfortunately, a lot of what it means to be human is incredibly esoteric and, thus, hard to follow in his stream-of-consciousness style.

--Austerlitz by W.G. Sebald: It’s very much like Proust, but not as interesting as Proust. Enough said. (Okay, fine, one more thing: There are pictures in this book. That’s cool.)

Burn, Burn, Burn, Motherfucker! (a.k.a. The One I Didn’t Like)

--Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson: I didn’t actually read this book, so maybe I would’ve liked it if I had finished it. But I read the (very cool) introduction and the (very disappointing) first couple stories before realizing it wasn’t worth it for me to continue reading. I liked what he did with his characters, but I couldn’t stand the writing itself. Read the synopses, not the stories themselves.

2009-12-11T16:36:00.002-07:00

The Onion's AV Club has released their list of The Best Films of the '00s. I've seen exactly half of them. And, from the 25 I've seen, I agree with most of their choices. A couple of them seem overrated, but I understand why they're there. The biggest surprise for me: The #1 movie on their list. Incredibly well-deserved, in my opinion, but wow. Awesome. A second surprise: The #2 movie on their list. I thought I was one of the few people who actually liked it. (Not to flaunt the "pretentious indie movie-watcher" badge too much. [I'm amassing all sorts of badges all of a sudden.]) So yeah, check out their list. See if you agree.

How about some poetry? I put my mp3 player on random today and a clip from the final Geek and the Greek radio show came up. For the last show, we did a retrospective of our two years on the air. The clip I heard today was a call-back to our slam poetry episode. (Unfortunately, I didn't tape that show. It was one of the best ones we did, too, of course. [Figures.]) Anyway, our second slam poetry attempt is all I have to offer. It's a woefully immature mocking of frat guys/sorority girls. And since I need some padding for this post (there's no way I'm anywhere near the dissertation-length of the past few updates), here goes:

Frat Guy #1 (written/performed by The Geek)

Hey, hey. Look at
me and you, girl, we got it going on.
Me with my one-quarter-turned baseball cap.
Me dancing with you to this song.
Me with my drink in a cup.
Let’s grab the
tap, tap, tap.
Who’s
there’s only one sororitute for me.
See, her name is Lee.
Gee, I hope she sees me.
Me. My name is Todd.
Me with my popped collar makes me closer to God.
Holla.

Sororitute (written/performed by The Greek)

Put some clothes on, sororitute.
I see you sprawled out on the Quad and you think you’re mighty cute.
I’d rather see the teacher than your stupid thong.
It bothers me so much that I wrote a slam... song.
You’re shivering in the winter in that mini-skirt,
waiting for Mr. Right in his popped-collared shirt.
Don’t try to talk to me. I don’t want to know your name.
Go back to Alpha Beta whatever, your BFFs forever -- or so they claim.

(That "your" might be a "you're." Yannos, [if you're reading this] do you remember which it was?)

2009-12-10T14:38:00.001-07:00

There are people who think everything on Youtube is hilarious. I am not one of these people. Sure, some things are funny, but really? Numa numa guy? Star Wars Kid? Chocolate Rain? Am I dating myself because these things were all popular back when Youtube was new, and I don't know what's funny nowadays? Regardless, there's really nothing funny about them. There is nothing wrong with people filming themselves doing stupid things they think are cool. Hell, Brian and I made our careers early by producing four hilarious home videos. Is there some kind of weird mob mentality with these internet memes (I had to look that up), where because other people think they're funny, other people somehow convince themselves they're funny? It's annoying being asked "Did you see that Youtube video about the leprechauns?" It's more annoying when I say no, then go look up what they're talking about, and find that it wouldn't pass for a bad SNL sketch, which is saying something. I don't know, maybe I don't have a sense of humor. But that's not true: What do you call twelve rabbits in a row hopping backwards? A receding HARE line! Obviously, I've got a sense of humor. Actually, maybe THAT's why I don't find Youtube videos funny.

This my college football prediction. Please note, this is a work in progress, and after the bowl games are over I'll come back in here and change this to make myself look psychic. And I guess I'll delete that sentence and this one at that point too. But when this thing takes off and people come read it, I'll look awesome at this. I predict that WINNING TEAM will win the BCS Championship game! Many people think that LOSING TEAM will win, but WINNING TEAM will really pull it out. And boy, it will be a NAIL BITER/BLOW OUT. The score will be HIGH SCORE to LOW SCORE. Mark my words! This game will really make people BELIVE THAT THE BCS RANKING SYSTEM IS A FAIR AND UNBIASED SYSTEM/LONG FOR A PLAYOFF SYSTEM LIKE EVERY OTHER SPORT IN THE WORLD. It will go down in history as one of the MOST/LEAST exciting games ever played and will be remembered forEVER/ A COUPLE OF DAYS. There. Backup career as a sports psychic, check.

Yesterday on my Google homepage there was a headline that read: "Kim Kardashian reacts to Tiger Woods' alleged infidelities." Due to this type of hard hitting reporting, I now use Yahoo as a search engine.

Speaking of college football, kind of, what's the deal with school pride? I get all this stuff in the mail from CSU now, asking me for money, and trying to play off of my sense of school pride. Stories abound about how people's parents went to school there, and the kid goes to school there now, and it just fills them all with a sense of meaning in this world. Now, I've read through our old blog entries, and back then I made it pretty clear that I hated going to school there. I honestly don't think that I would have enjoyed going to school anywhere else any more. I'm pretty sure that I just think a college education is an unfortunately necessary waste of time. Sure, I enjoyed the social aspects of going to college, and I would definitely recommend my kids go to college because there's nowhere else that they're going to get that kind of personal growth in such a short amount of time. But the actual education? I am definitely not a better or smarter person now because I had to read books and write essays about them, or learn about literary theory, or take one semester of chemistry, or anything like that. I feel about it now like I did then: the Creative Writing classes were fun, the rest of them were huge wastes of my time so that I could get a piece of paper saying I put up with school for four (okay, 3.5) years, and if I can put up with school for four years, I can probably be trusted to hold down a job. And sure, I'll root for CSU if they're playing whatever sports they even play anymore (bad football, bad basketball, maybe squash, who the hell knows). But I don't feel the need to ever go to another CSU game (unless I get free tickets), and I don't feel like I need to donate anything to the school, and I don't feel like joining any kind of alumni organization, and I don't feel like my kids need to go there or that this is going to be some kind of dynasty. I went to CSU because my friends were going there. It was okay. It's a nice campus. I met great people there. I no longer give a shit about it.

We legalized medical marijuana here in Colorado, and weed stores (called "dispensaries" for some reason, though I guess no one bothered to come up with a fancy name for liquor stores) are popping up all over the place. I walked to my house from my car last night and realized that now there's one right behind my building! The storefront is a brick wall with a banner hanging above the door that says "Discount Marijuana." Inside is an empty room, white walls, no decorations, with a solitary desk, and a man who is OBVIOUSLY a pot head wearing a lab coat. There's a door in the back that probably leads to the weed. All in all, it looks like a drug dealer set up camp in a building. Politicians and citizens all over the state are crying foul on these dispensaries, like they didn't expect for people to open stores to sell the stuff after they legalized it. If I walked into one, I wouldn't be able to get weed, because I don't have a medical marijuana card, but these people are worried that if a dispensary moves into their neighborhood, their kids are at risk and stuff. This was a great opportunity for the pro-weed movement to show society that weed can exist openly in society without said society falling apart, but as usual, the pot heads are showing that they are, well, pot heads. First, the dispensaries look like drug dealer stores, and not like actual businesses. Not a great idea, if you're trying to convince people you are a legitimate business and not a drug dealer. People don't like drug dealers in their neighborhoods. Second, people have now started robbing these dispensaries at gunpoint. Great move, fellas! While we should be grateful that we're one step away from legitimizing weed as something to not be scared of, that should by all accounts be legal, instead we're going "Great, now instead of paying for weed I can rob a dispensary!" Oh well. Maybe next time!

2009-12-09T12:01:00.002-07:00

I think there should be an annual conference where people present scholarly articles on independent music. (Maybe this already exists? That’d be cool.) Here is an example of what I have in mind:

Lagwagon, a Southern California punk rock group, went on a five-year hiatus after releasing Let’s Talk About Feelings in 1998. From ‘92 to ‘98, they released five albums: Duh, Trashed, Hoss, Double Plaidinum, and Let’s Talk About Feelings. The band’s first two efforts were their grittiest. The songs were short, raw, and, at times, borderline metal. (Kind of.) Hoss offered a significant change in the band’s sound; although the fast tempo remained, there was a noticeable shift towards catchier melodies and cleverer lyrics. (I’m thinking of the songs “Violins” and “Razor Burn,” in particular.) Double Plaidinum is the black-sheep in Lagwagon’s catalogue: after Hoss, Derrick Plourde, the drummer, and Shawn Dewey, a guitarist, left the band. Recorded with two new members, Double Plaidinum is the darkest Lagwagon album. However, along with the bleak aura came a noticeable increase in production values –- Plaidinum was, at the time, the band’s best sounding record (from a technical standpoint). Let’s Talk About Feelings is an appropriate culmination of the band’s prior work: 12 songs in 25 minutes, sing-along melodies, strong lyrics, crisp production, and the use of audio clips in two songs (“Gun in Your Hand” and “Leave the Light On”). Indeed, if you followed The Irreverent Times Journal, my co-authored, multiple-award-winning blog [Author’s note: I’m imagining that this reading occurs sometime in the future, in a time after our blog rockets to fame/stardom/infinite money-making], then you already know that I consider Let’s Talk About Feelings one of the 25 Albums I Most Enjoy/Enjoy Most.

Between the years 1998 and 2003, Lagwagon released a three-song 7” and a b-sides compilation. So to say that I was anticipating Blaze, their first studio album in five years, is an understatement. But here is my point, my thesis (finally): “Burn,” the first track off of Blaze, is the quintessential Lagwagon song. It perfectly encapsulates the band’s prior sound, while indicating the more mature direction they’ll forge in Blaze. The track opens with a quiet drum part: there’s a moderate 4-4 beat on the high hat (I think), accompanied with a subdued snare on every 3rd beat. This seems oddly similar to “Kids Don’t Like to Share,” the opening track to Hoss. Except that in “Kids,” it was the bass that had its own quiet solo. Ten seconds into “Burn,” the other instruments enter the mix: a clean guitar picking notes, the bass slinking along to the drum’s slow beat, and Joey’s hushed vocals. “You won’t find me condescending at your closed door,” he sings softly. “You won’t hear how I feel.” Very appropriate, given the quiet opening. And it seems representative of a trend that began with Let’s Talk About Feelings: Lagwagon appears to be much more aware of matching the sound of a song with its content. In the early records, there isn’t much derivation. They’re all aggressive, fast punk rock songs. But, with Feelings (and most definitely in Blaze), the band switches things up.

43 seconds into the song, the energy finally returns. The drums kick things up to a punchy rhythm, the distorted guitars breeze from power chord to power chord, the bass runs freely, and passion enters Joey’s voice. Interestingly, 43 seconds later, at the 1:26 mark, the band has already lapped itself. In the same amount of time it took them to finish one verse, they’ve completed two verses and (almost) the first chorus. Again, “Burn” is a blend of the old and the new: Lagwagon is comfortable slowing things down, but they haven’t forgotten their roots. The first chorus, in particular, has a distinct Hoss-like vibe, to me. Something about the way the guitars accent “And any fool can play. I’ll raise the stakes with another turn. We risk, we roll, we burn.” After the chorus comes the first solo. Liberally, it’s ten seconds long. Conservatively, it’s five seconds long. Regardless, it’s short. And it’s distinctly metal-sounding. A perfect fit for Duh or Trashed. After the blistering solo comes the bridge. At the 1:48 mark, I love how the song almost seems to end, but it keeps going. It’s hard to explain, but the way the guitar sustains its chord lends itself to a fade-out ending. Instead, there’s a jump-start when the guitarist strums while muting the strings. Symbolically, this is like the group itself –- which, after the first few years of the hiatus, people assumed had simply disbanded –- restarting with fresh ideas and a new sound. Indeed, the melody Joey sings after the mid-bridge reboot is completely different than any other melody in the song. “My true friend,” he says, “I’m spewing. And only one more positive. I just might spill some notable insight. I didn’t think before I purged.” Check out the internal rhyme, the slant rhyme, the linked imagery of spewing and purging. These are much more sophisticated lyrics than “Oh, beer goggles. I love to put them on” from their debut album. It’s more reminiscent of the lyrical work from “Love Story” off of Let’s Talk About Feelings: “Interstate, in debate, an impasse. Driving out the hope and gas.” One last thing I want to mention about the second half of the bridge to “Burn”: the “and only one more positive” lyric is, to me, the band acknowledging that they only have one more album (Blaze) lined up. At the time, I think everyone expected it to be the last Lagwagon record. (And if it weren’t for the unfortunate suicide of Derrick Plourde, it very well might have been.) This playful, self-referential quality surfaces four tracks later on Blaze: the song “Falling Apart” is all about the band realizing they’re getting too old to be punk rockers.

The second solo begins at 2:11, right as Joey wraps up the bridge. Solo B lasts roughly 20 seconds and has a completely different tone than the first solo. It’s less hectic, more in control. It’s less about shredding, more about harmony. And I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel like a solo that would fit perfectly off of Double Plaidinum. I think of “Making Friends,” in particular, for some reason. After the solo, there’s another abrupt shift: the song’s sound reverts to the opening, but with an added audio sample (a heart-monitor beeping in time). The heart monitor, of course, is ripe with symbolism: the thought-to-be-dead band reanimated; the pulse of the music; the gentle, gradual recovery of life (as represented in the opening). Or, conversely, it’s the band on its last legs, on life support, all too aware that this could be their final effort. Lyrically, the fourth verse also returns to the beginning of the song: “So here I am, attempting to unlock your closed door. I wouldn’t break it down, cause you’d be gone for sure.” Again, the music reflects this sentiment: the slow beat, the clean guitars, the hushed vocals -- they’re all not the least bit menacing.

The song speeds up again for its last verse and second (and final) chorus: “And you’re sinking me while you stay afloat in the tank you built. We drop, we never learn.” The song ends (almost immediately after Joey sings those lines) in what sounds like a downward spiral, a sinking. The guitars and bass hold their final notes, then slowly slide down the necks. Also, the “we never learn” line implies a sort of recurrence, a circularity. Just as “Burn” repeated itself (quiet to fast, then quiet to fast again), so does Lagwagon, perpetuating the SoCal punk they so deftly embraced in the ‘90s, yet, at the same time, refining it, maturing it, and making it a bit more complex.

Wow, holy shit. I didn’t expect this to be so long when I began. Kudos to those of you who actually read all of it, especially since you probably haven’t even heard “Burn” before.

Can I get my I-didn’t-realize-he-was-that-big-of-a-dork badge now?

2009-12-08T10:40:00.003-07:00

Well, shit. Adam’s recent posts make my teeny-tiny updates look like jokes. Like fortune-cookie aphorisms. Like movie taglines. Well, it’s time to remedy that. That’s right, the change train is a’comin’. And it’s chock-full of apostrophe-lovin’, consonant-droppin’ fun. This is going to be the most extensive post I’ve written since... three posts ago? (So, basically, if I’m over 150 words, I’m solid. [Almost halfway there! Nice!])

I’m glad to hear that Grandma Jones is recovering well. I kind of felt like a Nanny McPhee (trademark, Jesse Hempen, 2006), knowing that she was in the hospital while I was here talking about cereal or Hugh Grant movies. (Actually, I’d feel like a Nanny McPhee talking about Hugh Grant movies no matter what the circumstance, but that’s beside the point.) There are two things that I wanted to mention:

1. I believe people own exclusive rights to their grief and it shouldn’t be exploited. Meaning, I wasn’t going to talk about Adam’s grandma before he did, if he would at all. But, to apply this rule more generally, I’m tired of groups of people (i.e. the media, political parties) capitalizing on other people’s tragedy. I’m thinking of Michael Jackson. I’m thinking of the 9-11 widows. I’m thinking of Terri Schiavo. Hell, I’m even thinking of Tiger Woods. Sometimes it’s okay to just let things be. Convey the news and move on. Which leads me to...

2. Things will move on, eventually. So, yeah, I kind of felt like a jackass posting innocuous updates in light of the circumstance, but I think distractions –- the not-tragedy among the tragedy –- are important. Not to downplay the seriousness of the situation, of course, but simply to emphasize something that’s not grief, that’s not pain, that’s not despair, that’s not misery. It’s okay to have reminders that there’s something else out there. (Or maybe you disagree and think I’m merely bullshitting a self-justification to mention my [actually quite good] Cher impersonation.)

I don’t know if any of that made sense, since I was speaking in a vague/not-specific/ambiguous way about something I know all too specifically. Whatever. But to play devil’s advocate to my own argument: Isn’t that exploitation sometimes worthwhile? For instance, with Terri Schiavo, it entailed a discussion of euthanasia, patients’ rights, the authority of family/loved-ones to make decisions for another when that person is unable to, etc. To which I say: Yes, it’s healthy to debate these issues. But, one, we shouldn’t require a specific, case-in-point situation in order to spark these discussions. Why not debate euthanasia without name-dropping Schiavo? And two, I think loved-ones –- the ones who are actually enduring the tragedy -– should be the ones to relinquish their grief, not outside groups like the media. But even that gets a little iffy, to me. Remember Cindy Sheehan? I agree with her agenda, but I still find it off-putting, even when she, herself, was the one to willingly abdicate her tragedy. (I’m not sure if “abdicate” is the right word, but it’s a smart-sounding word that I don’t think I’ve ever used before, so I felt it was time.)

What I would like to say: I have always considered Adam’s grandparents better grandparents than my own. On my dad’s side, the language barrier prevented any sort of meaningful relationship from developing. As for my mom, her mother died before I was born. And we rarely saw her dad, my grandpa. Thus, growing up, Adam’s grandparents were the ones I saw most frequently and felt the most affection towards. Uno Hearts. Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. Bologna sandwiches. Goddamn, those were good times.

I’d also like to say: Thanks, Adam, for taking one for the team and actually listening to Raditude. I simply cannot get past that godforsaken cover art. I know I’ve already mentioned three times how bad the cover is, but fuck. It’s bad. (On a side note, allmusic.com, my [once-respected] go-to music review site, gave Raditude 4.5 stars out of 5. To put that rating in perspective, that makes Raditude just as good, in their opinion, as The Who’s Tommy, Guns and Roses’ Use Your Illusion (both I and II), and The Beatles’ Let It Be. It also makes Raditude, in their opinion, half a star better than Lucero’s Tennessee, That Much Further West, and 1372 Overton Park, as well as –- and this just kills me -– one full star better than The Avett Brothers' I and Love and You.)

737 words! A real update!

2009-12-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

Here is my long awaited review for Raditude: It sucks. But, it is not, in fact, as bad as it could be. The lead single I Want You To is Weezer’s usually deceptively catchy song, and the lyrics aren’t even terrible (compared to the rest of the album). In fact, there are several songs on the album that could be classified as “not bad.” The problem is, lyrically, this album is absolutely insipid. Rivers Cuomo has given up on writing lyrics about anything at all, but he really hasn’t forgotten how to write a catchy tune. If you were listening to this in the background, you could easily be duped into thinking this was Weezer’s best effort since Green. But as soon as you sit down and really give it a listen, you realize that you simply cannot forgive the lyrics. Every line rhymes, leading to painful, nonsensical lyrics that could actually be turned into a fun game (“Guess the rhyme and win!”). He writes songs for 13 year olds, which is more than a little offputting considering he’s got to be nearing 40. And, if you were wondering if the song titles, such as “I’m Your Daddy,” “The Girl Got Hot,” and “Can’t Stop Partying,” were really cleverly titled to make you think they’d be stupid but really aren’t, you’re wrong. The Girl Got Hot, for example, is about a girl who got hot, like when girls from the 80’s would take their hair down and take their glasses off. Can’t Stop Partying is actually not as bad as you’d think because it’s impossible for me to believe that it’s written as anything but ironic. With Lil’ Wayne stooping to new lows (although he does point out it’s Wheezy and Weezer, which totally explains his presence here) with his verse, Rivers basically turns any mainstream rap song into a Weezer song. It’s actually one of the better tracks because there’s no way to take it seriously. And, believe it or not, there is a song that I would classify as just plain old “good” on here. Put Me Back Together is the standout track on the album, even if it starts with the super awesome “When I walk down the street, I’ve been trippin’ on my feet. And my clothes they don’t match, and my blue jeans need a patch.” That should serve to show you what I’m talking about with the rhyming. Keep in mind those lyrics are poetry compared to 90% of the album. That said, the chorus is catchy as hell, and it’s really one of the best Weezer songs in years. Then there’s the second half of the album, which takes the surprisingly okay first half, shits all over it, and then eats it and shits it out again. Trippin’ Down the Freeway is a go nowhere song, Love is the Answer takes George Harrison’s worst Middle-Eastern sounding songs, complete with sitar, and makes them worse, even aping (and ruining) the Beatles “Love” themes. Let It All Hang Out starts out with a fancy guitar solo and then dissolves into a catchy but completely vapid chorus about Rivers hanging out with all the homies (his words) and letting it all hang out. In the Mall would run for one of Weezer’s worst songs if they hadn’t ever written the garbage that was Beverly Hills, and I Don’t Want to Let You Go deserves to be on the Top 10 Worst Songs to Ever End an Album. It’s boring, slow, goes nowhere, isn’t catchy, and features (guess what?) awful lyrics. Overall, the first half of the album is surprisingly good, especially if you don’t listen to the lyrics. The second half of the album is as bad as Weezer has ever been, especially if you listen to the lyrics.

I know I’m in the minority here, and I risk being called Scrooge, which would really hurt my feelings, but I really hate Christmas music. I hate it. I don’t want to say I hate all of it, because that’s probably not true, but I hate a good 99% of it. And I hate that radio stations start playing it constantly before December ever hits. I don’t know what it is about it, but everything just rubs me the wrong way. The lyrics are all stupid. The melodies are all too cheery. The fact that everyone who’s ever been on TV at some point decides to record a Christmas album, thinking, I guess, that they can breathe new life into these songs we’ve all heard a hundred million times before. I don’t even like it when artists I like put out Christmas albums (Sufjan Stevens). I don’t like the Christmas themed commercials, I don’t like the Christmas themed displays. I don’t like it when right-wing groups get all up in arms about the fact that not every sentence out of everyone’s mouth in December has something to do with Jesus the Christmas Monkey. Or whatever the hell Jesus was, or stands for nowadays. I don’t see why our country is in jeopardy if we say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Or vice versa. I will not boycott a store for saying Merry Christmas. I will not boycott a store for saying Happy Holidays. I will not boycott a store for saying Chappy Chanukkah. I hate how Christmas time is supposed to be this time of cheer and brother love, and every year I have to listen to these same wackos talking about how they hate anyone who doesn’t believe in Jesus or won’t say Merry Christmas. There are other holidays happening right now! Why exclude everyone else, OR why assume everyone you speak to is Christian? It’s not like people are saying Happy Holidays (fuck Christmas, and fuck your mother). Christmas is a holiday. So when people say Happy Holidays, they’re in essence saying “Merry Christmas, unless you don’t celebrate Christmas, in which case I still want you to have a good holiday season.” Now that I say it like that, I can see how it’s offensive. After all, anyone who doesn’t believe that Christ is the virgin-born son of God Almighty, who was born on Dec 25, year 0 AD, and whose non-fiction biography is recorded with 100% accuracy in the Bible, the greatest book ever written in the history of the 6000 year old world, is going to burn in hell anyway, so fuck ‘em. That said, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love getting to see my family, I love everyone being in the same place, and simply being grateful to be together. This Christmas I’m so thankful that I’m going to get to go home and see my grandma again. I think everyone knows this, but she had a stroke last week and she had to have brain surgery to fix an aneurysm. As of yesterday the ventilator she was on was removed, and she’s breathing on her own again. Talking to her makes me cry like a baby, but she knows who everyone is and she’s able to say “I love you.” It’s heartbreaking, but I’m so incredibly happy that I’ll get to see her for Christmas that the tears are worth it.

Next time: Meditations on life and death and religion, in a post that doesn’t mock religion nearly as much as usual. And, I’d like to sum up what I learned about myself and Brian by reading the old blog posts. Catch you later!

2009-12-06T11:02:00.002-07:00

See, I told you I'd be back soon. (Some may consider this tactic [posting short updates, but more frequently] cheating, but I beg to differ.)

New York, we've gotta talk. If Episcopalians in Los Angeles can be more progressive than you, we're in bad shape. (By the way, there's such a thing as an Archbishop of Canterbury. Maybe this isn't news to you, but it was to me. I found it kind of funny because, when I hear the word "Canterbury," I can really only think of Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales," which makes me think that the Archbishop of Canterbury also belongs in the 14th century, along with the saucy Nicholas and Alison from the Miller's Tale. [Yeah, I had to look that one up on Wikipedia.])

Finally, (Finally? I just got here.) there is a store/chain of stores here in New York called P.C. Richard & Son. On a commercial for the establishment, they use the tagline "Richard IS Reliable." The "IS" is even underlined. And here's where my proclivity to find humor in irony is unfortunate -- I will never be able to trust that Richard actually is reliable. Sorry, P.C. (Which, according it Wikipedia, stands for Peter Christiaan, with umlauts over both of the "a"s.)

2009-12-05T22:27:00.002-07:00

New York, your weather here is disappointing and confusing. So while people in Virginia got snow, we just got shitty rain and wind? WTF?

Hugh Grant has a new movie coming out. Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are that I know this. I think someone should invent a device that traps people in certain decades. For instance, Hugh Grant shouldn't have been allowed to progress past the 90s. Weezer, also, should be locked in the 90s. Eddie Murphy, the 80s. George W. Bush, the 50s (zing!).

I love the crazy names generic cereals have. At the moment, I have both Honey Nut Scooters and Frosted Mini Spooners. I'm sensing a theme.

In case you're wondering, I do a pretty good Cher impersonation. I'm available for birthday parties and Bar/Bat Mitzvahs.

I apologize for such a short entry. I'll be back soon. (I'm serious about this reaching 150 posts thing.)

2009-12-03T12:46:00.003-07:00

I'm going to put forth a challenge. This post is the 135th post of the year. That's pretty impressive. But I'd really like to make it to 150 by the end of December. That would double our previous year-total of 75 entries. Think we can do it?

So, it's December 3rd and today in New York there was a high of 60 degrees. Something tells me this isn't normal. I was expecting to move to a colder area. But, according to weather.com, it's actually colder back in DC than it is here. WTF?

I'm not the greatest speller in the world. For an English major, I'm probably average in the spelling department. But here's what I don't understand about my spelling ability: certain simple words always trip me up (like "occasionally" or "unnecessarily" or "the"), yet I can somehow consistently spell words like "acquiesce" or "curmudgeon" or "mannequin" correctly. Am I some odd-word-spelling savant?

Does anyone else here completely suck at Pictionary? Because I do. And, this weekend, while playing the game, I had an amazing revelation about why I suck at Pictionary: I spend too much time establishing context. For example, the first word I got was "electric eel." A normal person with even the most rudimentary Pictionary skills would probably draw a snake-like figure with lightning bolts beside it. But I chose a different route. The first thing I drew was a mermaid. The second thing I drew was a fish. (Really, in hindsight, I should've just gone for the fish. The mermaid was excessive.) That set the underwater scene. Then I drew my electric eel, which was basically just like a snake. This was an okay plan, but, unfortunately, "electric eel" was an all-play, and, by the time I finished setting the scene, the other team had already guessed the word. And this is the reason why, when divvying up teams ("divvying" is an odd word that I did not spell correctly, so so much for the savant thing), I revert to racist legislation from the 18th century and consider myself 3/5 a person, if a person at all.

2009-12-02T11:52:00.002-07:00

Hi folks, it’s me, Adam, your friendly driving instructor. It’s come to my attention that you could all use a little help driving in the snow. Don’t worry, it’s hard! Here are a few tips for you to follow to ensure that you get where you’re going without me taking a golf club to your car or your face:

1. 4 wheel drive doesn’t equal invincibility: You spent all that money on a big SUV, so naturally you would assume that because you have all four wheels spinning, you can drive 70 miles an hour and make hairpin turns on ice, right? Wrong! You’d also assume that you can stop on a dime from 50 to 0 in six inches of snow, right? Wrong! What you actually paid for when you got your SUV was a big vehicle that can see over other cars and gets shitty gas mileage and is hard to parallel park. While 4 wheel drive may help you accelerate up a mountain in the snow, it will not help you turn or stop, so if you could drive like a normal person, that would be great.

2. You are a snow moron. A snowron: There are two types of snowrons, so see which of these categories you fit into. Slow snowron. You’re a snowron who drives 10 miles an hour because there’s a dusting of snow on the road. You are a danger to everyone else on the road, and you’re preventing me from getting to work on time, and now my wife has to deliver the baby in the car because I couldn’t make it to the hospital. Enjoy having a large truck ram into you from behind because no one in their right mind expects to be coming up on someone “driving” 10 miles an hour. OR, fast snowron. You’re a snowron who gets fed up with people driving the speed limit in the snow and you want to see how fast you can get that rear wheel drive Vette going before you start spinning out. Hey, buddy, I’ll see you down the road a little ways, wrapped around a telephone pole. The correct speed to drive depends on the amount of snow. If there’s a dusting of snow, or there road has been cleared by other drivers driving on it, drive the speed limit! If there’s a ton of snow and every time you try to accelerate you slide sideways, drive slower!

3. Snow on sidewalk doesn’t equal snow on road: If it snowed but it’s been too warm recently to stick to the road, so the road is wet and the grass on the side of the road is snowy, you need to drive like it hasn’t snowed. If you want to enjoy the sights of snow, go for a hike or something, you weirdo.

4. Snow doesn’t mean there are no longer lanes on the road: Are you the first person to have driven on a road after the snow? Chances are, you’re not. But if you are, you still should have a sense of where lanes should be. For example, usually there is not a lane that drives down the exact center of a one lane road. Please use your driving senses to be in a lane. In the much more likely scenario that you’re on a road that’s been driven on extensively since it started to snow, do you see those tire tracks in front of you? That’s where people have been driving. You should drive in those too. Just because it snowed and you can’t see the lines on the road as clearly as before does not mean this is a time to be blazing your own swervy, nonsensical trail all over the road. There are still other cars on the road, and some may want to get by you at some point. We don’t see you as the fearless snow-driving leader you see yourself as.

5. Snow doesn’t mean parking lots are now lawless fields: Sure, there’s snow in the parking lot, and yeah, maybe you can’t see the lines. Are you the first person in the parking lot? Probably not, but if you are, there are usually light posts or some other kind of marker you can use to show you where the lanes for parking generally are. Pick one of these markers and park in front of it. Are you coming into a parking lot that other people have parked in? They’re probably parked in at least some kind of logical order, and you should know generally how big a parking spot is. So line your car up next to another car, at the same distance you always park from them. Good enough! That way we can avoid this phenomenon I’ve noticed of people slinging their cars into parking lots at all kinds of angles, with no regard to lanes or the fact that you might be taking up six parking spots because you’re sideways and in the middle of two rows. Snow on the ground does not give you a blank canvas to paint your parking masterpiece.

Hopefully those five tips help you. Snow driving is a very terrifying and altogether otherworldly experience that has no similarities whatsoever to real driving, but if we work together, we can attempt to hold some sort of coherence together through these trying times. If anyone else has any more snow driving tips, go ahead and comment them below.

Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with hot young girls! Shock? Awe? Honestly, Tiger is one of the people that I’d really hoped wouldn’t be succumbing to fame and fortune’s perils, but I’m not altogether surprised, and I don’t feel like he owes me an apology. As long as there are whores spreading ‘em open for men who are famous, there will be famous men cheating on their wives. The question is, is it impossible to be faithful to your wife nowadays? Maybe famous people aren’t a great example to look at because they’re all weird, but I know plenty of regular people in relationships who have cheated or been cheated on. Why do people get married anymore? Seriously. Tell me. The same reason people still subscribe to religions? Because their parents did? Because they feel like they should? Can you not have a fulfilling relationship with someone without signing a legal document to prove that you love each other?

I’ve been reading through the old blog entries from back before the Great Silence. I have two general observations: We were funnier then, and we were more boring then. I liked this line from one of the old posts: “They should call ‘Little Women’ ‘Little Women Sucks’ because it sucks.” Comedy gold. I’m also appalled at how many books I mentioned reading for class then that I have absolutely no memory of now. I think that just goes to show you, you immediately forget everything you did in school as soon as you’re not in it anymore.

2009-12-01T22:52:00.002-07:00

I know Adam and I are both old-men curmudgeons when it comes to embracing the digital-media transformation, but if you're hip to the whole downloading albums thing, then I've got news for you: Amazon.com is offering a bunch of ridiculously good albums for $5. I don't know how much longer they'll be on sale, but some of my recommendations are:

--The Avett Brothers' "Emotionalism"
--The Avett Brothers' "Four Thieves Gone"
--Regina Spektor's "Far"
--Neko Case's "Middle Cyclone"
--The Gaslight Anthem's "The '59 Sound"
--Okkervil River's "The Stage Names"
--Okkervil River's "The Stand Ins"

If you only want to lay down $10, my picks are "Emotionalism" and "The '59 Sound." One's a bunch of unplugged instruments romping through some rocking Americana tunes, the other is a blue-collar, New Jersey-ode to catchy songs from, well, the '59 era.

There are also other albums I don't have, but either imagine are good or I've been told are enjoyable:

--The 500 Days of Summer Soundtrack (still haven't seen the movie)
--The Decemberists' "The Crane Wife" (never really got into them, myself)
--Grizzly Bear's "Horn of Plenty" (this was popular at the radio station)
--Bon Iver's "For Emma, Forever Ago" (again, never really got into them/him)
--Weezer's "Raditude" (okay, I'm just fucking with you on this one)

So yeah, $5 albums. Not too shabby. (Minus Weezer's sure-to-be-atrocious new album. [What if it's actually one of the best releases of 2009 and no one's given it a shot because of its horrible name and horrible cover art?])

2009-11-25T09:37:00.001-07:00

Warning: Even for Adam, this post is offensive. Don’t let your children read it unless you want to explain to them lots of things that you don’t want to explain to them. Trust me.

Adam Lambert kissed a guy at the American Music Awards.

Oh sweet Jesus, what has happened to this country and humanity? Ever since I heard about this gay kiss on TV, I’ve been having gay sex with as many men as I can find to do it with. The conservatives were right! Now that it’s been brought to my attention that there are gays in the world, and that man Adam Lambert kissed that other man without the fires of Hell consuming both of them on the spot, our entire country is in the toilet! No one will ever marry someone of the opposite sex again! Our kids will grow up to be big old gay queer homosexuals. Men doing men. Women doing women. All along, we had only been heterosexual because we thought it was what God wanted. But now… now I don’t know what to think. If God hates gays, why didn’t He make an example of that lewd, sexual, oh-so-wrong but oh-so-right behavior that left us all with a strange tingling sensation in our pants? Why didn’t He have the stage lights fall on those two sinners, not killing them, but making them realize the effects their behavior would have on us, thereby alerting them that the choice they made to be gay was bad, and turning them straight? Instead, He let it slide, like either He accepts everyone for who they are, or He doesn’t exist. Damn you, God. Damn you to Hell!

It’s readily apparent that now that we’ve all been subjected to this gay kiss, and simulation of oral sex (Satan’s Delight, as I like to call it) on national TV, the world will soon be coming to an end. What’s to stop us from doing meth with gay hookers now? Nothing but those horrifying meth ads. Not even once. Maybe if they’d shown the reality of what being gay was like (“I’m only going to hold this guy’s hand once.” “I’m only going to kiss this guy once.” “I’m only going to have gay sex with this guy once.” “I’m only going to kiss a man on stage, simulate oral sex, and RUIN AMERICA once.”) we could have been spared this horrible fate. Not even once! But once is all it took. And now look at us. We’re having to explain to our children why two men would be kissing. It’s enough to make me want to cry. Or do coke off of a gay man’s erect penis.

If you haven’t completely blocked it from your memory, try to recall the horror that ensued after we all saw Janet Jackson’s breast at the Superbowl. I remember my fictional children asking me what that part was, and how uncomfortable it was for me to have to tell them that though every woman has two of them, and they’re what has fed children and entertained both men and women in the bedroom for as long as people have been around, and that they’re FILTHY, DISGUSTING parts of the human body. My children’s fictional eyes bled, they vomited dust. It was horrifying. Myself, I was sent away for two years to recover in a mental institution.

But “Bravo!” to Good Morning America for canceling Lambert’s performance the next day. Obviously those theatrics at a huge awards show performance would have only empowered him to bring his pornographic act to 8am morning shows that no one watches. I’m glad our housewives and elderly were spared what would surely have been unprotected, spontaneous anal sex on stage, while singing filthy gay songs. It’s a good thing GMA had the sense to stand up and say “No! We will not have your homosexual antics on our family friendly morning show.” At least one television program is standing up for our moral values: We don’t talk to our kids about sex, we treat the human body like it’s a filthy thing to be ashamed of, and we care more deeply about what other people do than raising our own children and living our own lives.

Look, I’m just following the example of Ted Haggard and other religious leaders all over the world here. We all know the Bible was written by God to get us away from being homosexual. It’s the most important thing in the book! Deutoronomy 3:15 “Don’t be banging on no queers, because that shit ain’t right and it’ll lead to the downfall of humanity. Love Jesus.” It’s been clearly established that marriage is between a man and a woman, and not two gays, because if gays can get married, what incentive do we have to be straight? Just look at all the priests molesting those young boys. Politicians soliciting gay sex in bathrooms. If we could just shove homosexuality back in the closet where it belongs, and cover up all our women from head to toe, can’t you just imagine what a great society we’d be living in? Our heterosexuality safely locked in place, and our women subservient and at home, we’d be a perfectly moral and happy society. Hell, we’d be Muslim. And just look at their perfectly functioning, utopian societies. Something we can all aspire to.

2009-11-24T21:57:00.003-07:00

I try not to say bad things about people I know. It's petty and gossipy and doesn't accomplish anything, but the hell with all that. There's a guy in my Literary Criticisms class that I just don't like. All I'll say about him is encapsulated in this sentence I jotted down in my notebook: "There are times when he makes a point and I don't understand what the fuck it ties into."

This is a new habit of mine. Rather than just write notes from class, I'll throw in pieces of dialogue or random thoughts. Here's something someone said a few classes ago: "But it's TV, though. Who wants to see an ugly person?" Here's an aside from my literature class with the monotone/dull professor (who's gotten much better about showing some personality, actually): "He confuses a funeral scene with a wedding scene? Really?" Speaking of this professor, I've compiled a greatest-hits collection of his flat responses to interesting points people have made in class. My typing them out won't do this justice, as his delivery is totally what makes it, but here goes. "'Experience.' Hmm..." "Well, there's something..." "That's for sure, yes..." And then, of course, the old standby: "Okay."

Tomorrow, I'm heading back to Virginia. Adam, you should ride the coattails of your triumphant return and entertain these nice people while I'm gone. Have a good Thanksgiving, everyone.

2009-11-22T18:25:00.002-07:00

Yes, as Brian has pointed out, I have been long absent from this here blog. I would explain why, but the government has asked that I not detail my exact whereabouts and whatabouts for the past week or two or however long it's been. (I could check to see how long it's been, but that would require clicking on a couple of things, and really, who has time for that? It's much easier to write long winded parentheticals explaining why I'm too lazy to do something that would take half as long as what I'm actually doing.) You wouldn't believe it, though. That paragraph from Brian's last post, for me to copy and paste, I had pretty much written that entire thing verbatim and then checked the blog, and went "Damn you, Brian! How well you know me!" So I scratched that and am writing this. Whatever this is.

So, to herald my return, I would like to present you with two lists of four things that bother me. I came up with these lists at work on November 17. I thought you should know that because it proves that I think about updating this at work, but then when I get home, I forget for five days. So:

Things that bother me in the bathroom at work:

1. Putting the toilet paper on top of the roll when you need a new one:
Okay, so you use up the last of the toilet paper on the roll. It's okay. We all do that sometimes. And, you showed either the foresight to bring a new roll into the bathroom with you, or the follow-through to walk over to the closet after you were done using the bathroom and get a new roll. But how lazy do you have to be to not put the roll on the... roller. Or whatever. Maybe you don't understand how to get the thing off to reinstall the new roll. You just have to push one side of the roller in, and it'll go into itself, and you can slide it right out. Then you put the roll of toilet paper on the roller, push the side back in, and press it back into place. Pretty cool, huh?

2. Putting the toilet paper on so the roll comes under instead of over:
I've never understood why people put the roll back on so that the end of the roll comes out from under, instead of coming over the top. If anyone can please explain why you like to make it harder on yourself to get the toilet paper you want, please let me know in the comments section below. Seriously. I'm interested.

3. Using all the paper towels and not replacing them:
I do realize that we work in a huuuuge office, and walking from one extreme side to the other requires about 15 seconds of your time. So I totally understand how you might not think you have enough time to go get more paper towels from the closet. Hell, by the time you walk over to the closet, which is on the far side of the office, get the paper towels, and walk back to the bathroom, you'll have wasted damn near 45 seconds out of your busy day. But those of us who use the bathroom after you don't particularly like wiping our hands on our pants, so if using nearly a full minute of your time to refill the paper towels bothers you ethically so much, feel free to stay a minute late after work to make up the time. But restock the paper towels.

4. Getting water all over the counter:
Who are you? Why don't you know how to wash your hands? There's like a big bowl with a hole in it in the middle of the counter. That's called the "sink." The idea is to get the water in the sink. The soap is outside of the sink, but you can grab the soap without dumping ten gallons of water all over the counter by... well, by being a normal person. Same for when you go to dry your hands afterward. I've never seen so much water everywhere, so consistently.

Things that bother me at concerts:

1. Showing up late and jockeying to get the best spot in the house:
Show up on time, watch the opening acts, or accept your place in the back behind the seven foot tall man with a two foot afro.

2. Talking:
Why do you pay upwards of 30 bucks to go talk over really loud music? You can do that at home for free. Or, as an alternative, you can talk in a normal voice over no music. Either way, to those of us who actually paid money to listen to the music, your talking is really rude and annoying.

3. Wearing the shirt you just bought:
I don't know why, but there's something totally lame about going to the front and paying $30 for a shirt, then putting it on like you're some kind of super fan. Really, if you were a fan of the band, you would have had a shirt coming in. Or, you'd just not wear the band's shirt, like a normal person. We all know who you're here to see. Wear a shirt that tells us who else you like.

4. Scene kids:
Cut your hair, buy clothes that fit, and listen to music because you like the music, not the style.

I'll try to not be gone for so long between this award winning post and the next. And I will continue not using hyphens between words and phrases that should be hypenated. That's Brian's job around here.

2009-11-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

Yo, Adam:

Who uses the word "yo" anymore? (This isn't really what I wanted to ask you.) Where ya been? I just wanted to check in and make sure there's still a co-author to this blog. Left entirely in my hands, this thing would probably contain too many of the following: Pauly Shore references, embedded asides (like that's not getting old. [Who didn't see that one coming? (Everyone saw it coming.)]), and long, strung-together-with-hyphens words. And no one wants that. So, what I've done is I've written a response you can copy, paste, then edit as either a comment or as a new post entirely.

(Begin copying here.)

Yo, Brian:

Whuzzuppppp???!1! I still use the word "yo," that's who. And I turned into a 14-year-old wanna-be-skater-douche. Readers will be able to tell I didn't write this response myself because of all those long, strung-together-with-hyphens words there. When did you pick up that habit, anyway?

Sorry I've been absent for a while. I've just been so busy (with work / being sick / in my wildly successful relationship with a cool, funny, attractive girl who doesn't already have a boyfriend for once). But I'll get back to the (old-man rants / discography analyzes / 14-year-old wanna-be-skater-douche rants) soon. Check it out, yo!!!!!!!!

;-)

(End copying here.)

Seriously, though, I hope everything's all right. Shoot me an email or something.

2009-11-18T13:13:00.005-07:00

There's a bit I've been meaning to do here for the past couple of weeks, but I keep forgetting when I actually get around to posting an update. So if I don't add it now, I'll probably forget for another week or two. Thus, I present to you...

If I Could Go Back and Edit Some Lyrics

(Not the catchiest title, admittedly, but it gets the point across.)

How many times has this happened to you? You're singing along to a song you have completely memorized, yet you instinctively sing a different word than the one you know is coming up. Annoying, right? Therefore, rather than just learn to sing the correct word, I think it's easier to imagine going back into the past and editing the lyrics so that they end up the way you sing them. Here are some examples of how I'd use this power:

Filmmaker's "Breathing Room"
Original line: Lipstick smiles touched to parting lips.
Brian's edit: Lipstick smiles pressed to parting lips.
Reason for the edit: Alliteration! "Pressed/parting" is better than "touched/to," right? Plus, girls (or guys!) press their lips together when applying lipstick, not touch their lips together. Duh.

The Beatles' "All You Need is Love"
Original line: Nothing you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time.
Brian's edit: Nothing you can do, but you'll learn how to be you in time.
Reason for the edit: It's a great line as is, but let's be honest: Given the right amount of time, you WILL learn how to be you. It's not really something that "can" or "cannot" happen. It will. Sorry, John.

Red House Painters' "Have You Forgotten?"
Original line: Sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway place.
Brian's edit: Sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway lair.
Reason for the edit: The other verses contain a nice AA, BB pattern. (Actually, there's one other instance where it doesn't maintain the rhyme scheme, but whatever.) So let's keep the rhyming alive with "chair" and "lair." Come on!

Rocky Votolato's "A Discourse on Killing"
Original line: I wanna hit somebody with a baseball bat. Break his fucking knees and take pleasure in it.
Brian's edit: I wanna hit somebody with a baseball bat. Break his fucking knees and take pleasure in that.
Reason for the edit: Again, comes down to the rhyme. Seriously? "It?" Rocky, what were you thinking? "That" is a gimme.

What about you? What lyrics would you change, given the ability to harness this amazing power?

2009-11-17T14:38:00.003-07:00

Well, howdy. It's been a while, yeah? Everyone have a good weekend? Mine was good. It was nice to see Ashley and Yannos again. Weather was kind of shitty, but, once they left, it turned gorgeous. Figures.

Sarah Palin's memoir comes out today. Part of me actually wants to read it. Well, some of it. I know there's no way I could get through the whole book. But I feel obligated to read at least some of it if I'm going to slam her over it. However, that guilt isn't enough to motivate me to actually sit down and read "Going Rogue." Thing is, I kind of feel bad for Sarah Palin. I like the idea of the independent woman who does what she wants and works hard. That's the picture the conservatives depict. But I don't like that she really seems to work against any sort of issues related to women and their advancement. Not to mention the fact that some of the things she's said have been beyond stupid. This is what the liberals like the focus on. To me, Palin was living a simple life of good-time-y conservative values when, all of a sudden, she got swept into something way bigger than she could've imagined: the media. They tore her apart. Granted, some of that was by her own hand, but I kind of feel like she was a character in one of those Greek tragedies where the gods have conspired against an individual and sit back and relish in that person's demise. That said, I disagree with her political beliefs and am incredibly happy she is not the current vice president. Also, watching that 2008 political campaign unfold was entertainingly funny-in-a-sad-way. But I kind of feel sorry for her, that's all. Just not enough to read her book.

Last week in my Literary Criticisms class, we discussed race. One of the essays we read was by Charles Taylor, a Canadian philosopher. He talked about two mentalities we could adopt to move forward toward equality: one is the politics of equal dignity, the other is the politics of difference. They're pretty self-explanatory, but here goes: on the one hand you eliminate any sort of dividers and treat everyone the same (equal dignity), and on the other hand you embrace these dividers but don't place a precedent on the "good life" (difference). Admittedly, both of these options seem too idealistic to me, but, if I had to choose one, I'd go with equal dignity. I arrived at this conclusion over the weekend. We had lunch with Yannos' sister on Saturday, and, later in the afternoon, she mentioned that a gay, lesbian, and transgendered high school recently opened up in the city. It made me realize the problem I have with the politics of difference: by having those separate categories, I don't think it's ever possible to truly transcend those divisions. By putting gay, lesbian, and transgendered people in their own high school, doesn't it ostracize them further? I don't know what it's like for them to go to school in a "normal" high school -- I expect they might get teased/bullied -- and I don't mean to presume that it's no big deal. But taking them out of that environment and placing them in their own self-contained high school doesn't seem like the way to go. It's a temporary solution for a situation that needs major change. And it seems to me that the best way to get these ignorant homophobic-fucks to accept gay, lesbian, and transgendered people is to force them to interact with one another. Show them that, hey, they have similar teenage problems like you. That, hey, they're not going around trying to convert people to the "gay lifestyle." That, hey, maybe they're not really all that different at all. Instead of quarantining them in an entirely new place where there's no hope for any sort of fruitful interaction whatsoever. But who knows.

2009-11-12T23:34:00.002-07:00

Have you visited Daytrotter recently? Lucero is the band of the day. You've heard me and Adam mention their awesome live show, now check them out for yourself. They have three cuts from the new album, 1372 Overton Park, and a re-recording of "That Much Further West." With horns. Neat stuff. If you haven't heard the original version of "That Much Further West," I'd still very much recommend checking it out, but this version is a fine introduction to the song. It's a great little ditty.

This comedy story is driving me insane. I'm officially submitting it tomorrow morning/afternoon, but, until then, I'm going nuts trying to edit it.

Yannos and Ashley are visiting this weekend. Visitors! Exciting! Exclamation point! Have a good weekend, everyone.

2009-11-11T14:30:00.002-07:00

Can I just say that, for how easy it is to make, grilled cheese shouldn't taste so good. Thirty seconds of preparation, five minutes of grilling/toasting, and bam! Delicious.

So, I finished that story I was talking about earlier. Sure enough, it came out to 21 pages. And I might add more, I'm not sure. Depends on what kind of comments I get from workshop. It's only the second strictly-comedy piece I've written, and I have a few observations: One, what's up with this being only my second comedy piece? Considering my non-stop-laugh-riot-fest (copyright) work on this blog, you'd think I'd try more funny stories. But no, everything's always so damn serious. Which might have something to do with point number two: Writing comedy is an unnecessarily difficult process. Something about combining the n-s-l-r-f (copyright) with a story = a massive amount of work. It's a lot easier to wax poetic about the injustices of the world. Three: After reading over my story countless times, I can't even tell anymore what's funny and what's not. Everything blurs together in this stale blah-ness. It was fresh when I first wrote it, but not much to the story feels fresh anymore. Maybe that's why so many comedies seem weaksauce? Now, this isn't to say that I dislike my story. I'm fond of it, in its own special I-made-this way, I just can't decide what's not-funny enough to cut. It's a lot harder to revise comedy. With a serious piece, I can tell when a sentence flops. But with comedy... Well, we'll see what the critics say.

2009-11-09T22:03:00.002-07:00

Here's two more of these career retrospectives. They're longer. I'll take a break after these and get back to writing things to piss people off.

Foo Fighters – Their first album may be their most interesting, but it’s certainly not their best. You’d be hard pressed to relate any of it to the music that the Foos are putting out today, but that’s kind of what’s nice about it. It feels like what it was: Dave Grohl’s post-Nirvana album. It’s not all that great, but there are definitely some standout tracks that would set the stage for what to expect from their next album. That next album is one of the best straight-up rock and roll albums ever made, The Colour and the Shape. It spawned hits like My Hero, Monkey Wrench, and Everlong, which is one of the best rock songs ever written. Aside from its singles are awesome songs that run the range from punk to acoustic, and everything between. It’s a tremendously varied album, and, as I’ve said before, the Foos have recently tried to “re-write” it by mixing acoustic and rock songs, but it feels strained now, where here it seemed effortless. They followed up this classic with their second best, and by far mellowest album, There is Nothing Left to Lose. The hit off of this one was Learn to Fly, and that song pretty much is the tone of the album. Still rock, but softer than before, the album is still a pleasant listen, even if as far as I can tell, it didn’t have nearly as many hits as their other albums. After this one, though, the band stepped into a trap called “sameyness.” One By One could have been called One By One Note, as it featured nothing but big arena rock choruses and filler verses, as seen by songs like All My Life, and Times Like These. But I give Dave credit for saying it’s his least favorite album: "Four of the songs were good, and the other seven I never played again in my life.” That’s about right. Then came the double album, All My Life, which should have been a single album with the best acoustic and rock songs mixed together. Instead, we’re treated to an album of big arena rock songs extremely similar to the ones on One By One, and an album of acoustic numbers that for the most part never take off. Most recently, we’re treated to more of the same middle of the road, middle aged rock on Echoes Silence Patience and Grace, which is a terrible title for an album.

Weezer – We all know that Weezer is a shell of its former self. But the Blue Album was so good, and so fun. Post Pinkerton, Weezer would never record a song as touching as Say It Ain’t So, so weird as Undone, so nostalgic as Buddy Holly. Every song on the album offers something instantly appealing and catchy, and it’s definitely one of the classic albums to come out of the 90’s. They followed it up with Pinkerton, a criminally underappreciated album that can basically be blamed for the death of Weezer as we knew it. You’d be hard pressed to show me an album that’s more emotionally bare and honest, while still being musically diverse and upbeat. I don’t know why the album flopped so badly on its release. El Scorcho is a great, weird song, but there were songs that could easily have been singles aside from that one: Getchoo, or Why Bother, for example. And songs that probably couldn’t have been singles like Pink Triangle and Across the Sea are so unbelievably good that it’s hard to believe people never latched onto this album. The result was Rivers laying his soul bare to the world and being rejected. He ran into hiding for five years, and he would never be the same. When the Green Album finally came out, I was so excited to hear a new Weezer album that I was blinded to the fact that it was a completely empty, bubblegum pop album. It’s still my third favorite Weezer album, but it’s a distant third. At least it’s catchy as hell, something that can’t be said for subsequent albums. There are no real standout tracks because, well, they all pretty much sound the same. Maladroit was worse, but still had some good songs on it. It also had some complete shit, for the first time. Then came the awful turd named Make Believe, which featured parts of good songs, but no real winners, and the worst song Weezer ever wrote, “Beverly Hills.” It was an awful album with hardly any redeemable features, and had I not enjoyed Pork and Beans off of the Red Album, I would have been done with the band entirely. The Red Album was at least better than that godawful abortion that was Make Believe, but it didn’t have much staying power with me, and the fact that Rivers handed half the album over to his bandmates made the album sound less like a Weezer album (which at this point might not be a bad thing), and made me think that Rivers was finally creatively bankrupt. I haven’t gotten the recently released Raditude, and I’m not sure I will. My longing for a return to two of the most wonderful albums I’ve ever heard has taken me through four middling entries, and I think my good will towards the band may have finally run out.

How about them Broncos?

2009-11-09T11:15:00.005-07:00

Two things I forgot to mention yesterday. One: (and I can't believe I forgot, because it was awesome) at the "house show," Rocky Votolato played a cover of Cat Steven's "Father and Son." And two: CNN recently revamped their website. I really don't like the new look. At all. Thus, I have the impetus to finally drop CNN and pick up BBC News. It's amazing how the BBC doesn't seem to ever mention Jon and Kate. Instead, one of their main stories today is how everyone's favorite wrinkly-faced curmudgeon, Rupert Murdoch, wants to ban Google from using his company's news stories in search results. This precedes an eventual charge-for-content platform that Murdoch is planning for all of his news websites. So, hmmm. Jon and Kate, or Rupert Murdoch suppressing Google for his own financial gain in a move that could be highly-influential in the future of accessing information on the internet? One of these seems slightly more important than the other.

But that's not even the point I wanted to make. CNN's new design features two main stories right at the top of the page, accompanied with pictures. And any time I see two pictures/headlines right next to each other, I get all excited to look for...

Instances of Awkward or Unfortunate Juxtapositions

2009-11-08T12:56:00.002-07:00

Highlights from the past week (in no particular order): calling Montezuma an asshole in my Literary Criticisms class; repeatedly using (and hearing other people repeatedly use) the term "shit storm" in my post-modern fiction class; the Rocky Votolato "house show" (more on this); reading the first 150 pages of Haruki Murakami's A Wild Sheep Chase in one day (I haven't read that much of a book in such a short amount of time in who-knows how long. If you look it up on Amazon, you can read the first 20 pages or so); building a tolerance to colder weather; working on a new short story -- a comedy -- that's already 12 pages long and could top-out at around 20 (I haven't written anything that long in who-knows how long); having my own completely unique (and kind of crazy) interpretation of a story we read in my workshop class; getting to stream Netflix movies on my Playstation 3 (aka Rock Band machine); connecting pieces of lower-Manhattan in my mental map of the city; becoming a pro at editing people's grad school essays; texting with Anne Marie (it's a start -- to a relationship, to friendship, who knows, but it's a start); finishing a four-page story where one of the characters only speaks in Beatles' lyrics; the beginning of year number six since my dad died.

Re: this last point. Time is crazy, huh? I've known Yannos and Ashley for six years now. Jesse for seven. The majority of my high school friends for nine or ten. Adam for some ridiculous double-digit (20?). How is it possible that so much time has passed? And why does it always feel weird/surprising to realize that? When I think about it, those times feel like years ago. But somehow putting a concrete number to it makes the feeling all the more surreal. Then, looking to the future: 25 is a quarter of a century, but it feels more like the half-way point, to me. I'll be honest: I don't expect to live long. I'll be lucky to make it to 60. Given family history and personal disposition, old age just doesn't feel like it's gonna happen. I'd be more than happy to be wrong about this, but I'm doubtful.

Okay, I didn't intend for this to turn into a major bummer. The point being: enjoy the time you're here. Which is why I went to see Rocky Votolato in a small, 50-person show. Just him, his acoustic guitar, and a harmonica. No amps, no speakers, just his guitar and his voice. It was incredible. He played four or five songs from his forthcoming album (they sound good), as well as a bunch of great tunes from the back catalog: "Portland is Leaving," "White Daisy Passing," "Alabaster," "Goldfield" (he said he doesn't play this one live too frequently, which is a shame. It's one of my favorites), "Tinfoil Hats," "Silver Trees." Then he opened it up for requests, which he admitted "always gets me in trouble, because I don't know how to play very many of my own songs." And, indeed, during the first request, "The Night's Disguise," he had to stop, turn around, and figure out how the rest of the song went. Pretty funny. After "The Night's Disguise," he played "Makers," "Suicide Medicine," and "Montana." A fantastic show.

2009-11-08T00:44:00.004-07:00

Something I've been kicking around for a while is little summaries of bands' careers that I've followed from beginning to end. So here are three of them:

Thursday – Like many bands, Thursday’s debut was a rough outline of what was to come. Muddled production didn’t help, and the sound wasn’t quite there yet. Their second album, Full Collapse was an album that created an entire genre of music. If not created, at least popularized. From start to finish, it was an experience, bookended by electronic sounds, filled with fantastic lyrics and pained screams, memorable sections of songs, spoken word, and layered, lush guitars. It was an impossible album to eclipse, but Thursday’s complete failure to even get close is disappointing. Aside from the description above, the album benefitted from two things: low expectations and good production, highlighting the unique strengths of the band. Their next album, War All the Time, was solid, with a few exceptional songs, but it didn’t have the overall strength of its predecessor, and the production started “cleaning” up, which did not help the band. This only got worse on A City by the Light Divided, which, as you may be able to tell from its highfalutin title, was supposed to be (according to them on their live DVD) the album the band had always wanted to make. It was completely forgettable, and found the band sounding like a band that listened to Thursday growing up, trying and failing to emulate them. The songs weren’t catchy or powerful, and a big part of that was because of the production, which completely missed the point of the band. Guitars dulled and ran into each other, and everything generally sounded muddy and boring, and by this point Geoff’s voice had gotten “good,” to the detriment of the band’s sound. I figured this was the end of Thursday, but then there came some hope with the new stuff on their B-sides album and their split with Envy. The split in particular showed the band simultaneously maturing and getting back to the sound that served them so well on Full Collapse. With my expectations set high, the band released Common Existence, an album that I listened to maybe twice. I guess there’s always next time, but I may not be there to hear it.

Thrice – Identity Crisis was a rough version of the band that would go on to release the breathtakingly hard yet catchy The Illusion of Safety. Thrice would never sound this good again, suffering from some of the same problems that faced Thursday: poor production and high expectations. Subsequent albums took the blazing lead guitar from Safety and buried it under rhythm guitar and bass, and the edge disappeared from Dustin’s voice. It also didn’t help that Thrice lost their edge. The harder punk band from the first two albums mellowed out and produced albums full of similar sounding songs. The Artist in the Ambulance may have suffered from too-high expectations, but it also suffered because it lacked any songs that punched you in the gut like we’d come to expect. Vheissu was forgettable, and The Alchemy Index, while a cool idea, was ultimately too expensive and bogged down by double-album syndrome. There were some songs, particularly on the Fire album, that tried to get back to what I liked most about the band, but the Water album was almost entirely forgettable, and the best stuff off of Air and Earth reminded me of a weaker version of Dustin’s surprisingly good solo album. That said, it’s probably the coolest vinyl concept that I own, with each album on an appropriately colored 10” in a book that has all the lyrics and notes about each song. If only the music was that awesome.

No Use For A Name – This band reached a great three album apex with Leche Con Carne, Making Friends, and More Betterness. Leche was great straight up punk, Making Friends saw the band becoming more melodic, and More Betterness brought the band into pop punk territory fully, but did it with great songs and great lyrics. Then the band hit Hard Rock Bottom (excuse the pun), and slummed through that album, a mediocre live album, and the completely forgettable, one-note Keep Them Confused. Luckily, last year’s The Feel Good Record of the Year was a nice step back towards being relevant for the band, with songs that actually sounded different, and included different instruments. You can only play the same poppy punk songs for so many albums before you need to change something or fade away, and that album changed just enough without losing the band’s sound. Here’s hoping that the next album keeps the momentum going and doesn’t become “40 Year Olds Trying to Play Punk, but They Don’t Really Like It Anymore, Part III” (see Hard Rock and Confused for parts I and II).

I'll probably do more of these in the future, because while I realize that no one who reads this aside from Brian has probably ever listened to a single song by any of these bands, it's kind of fun to write and trace a band's high and low points.

2009-11-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

People need to get off Michael Vick’s ass. He wasn’t strangling dogs or cutting out their insides when they were alive. He provided a house in which his family and friends fought dogs. He didn’t run over anyone while drunk driving. He didn’t assault anyone. He didn’t get arrested for carrying ridiculous amounts of weapons into stupid places. But he served more jail time than anyone else in sports who did those things. If you think dogs have more value than people, you’re wrong and you may be retarded. You might want to get checked.

Speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve talked about how much I dislike militant vegetarians, or especially vegans. Let me start by saying that my mom is a vegetarian, and I know lots of people who are normal people who don’t eat meat because they don’t like it, they want to be healthier, or even they think killing animals for food is wrong. That’s all fine and good. What bothers me is when people who don’t eat meat judge people who do. Like there’s something unnatural about eating meat, even though any animal with sharp enough teeth does it. And they don’t do it in a nice, caring way, either. Generally they seem to run after the weakest animal they can find, rip out its throat while it’s still alive, and proceed to eat it while it lays there bleeding in the sun, abandoned by its loved ones, forgotten by history, its bloated rotting corpse stripped bare by predators, scavengers, and maggots. And yet, by eating meat, I’m somehow a bad person, when we raise these animals, feed them, love them, feed them, feed them, and then slice their heads off, carve them up, and eat them. I’m not saying it’s a great thing. Sure, it’d be fantastic if we could all live off of our own bodies and never have to eat anything that was alive. It would also be fantastic if we never had to sleep, if we all got along, and if no one ever wanted for anything.

I think my point is, while slaughtering animals for food isn’t pretty, what the hell else are we supposed to do? Lethally inject them? We can’t let them die of natural causes because nobody wants to eat nasty old animal meat. It seems like slaughtering them the way we do is more humane than the “natural” way that animals get eaten, as described so poetically above. Militant veggies do realize that animals all die anyway, right? Do they think that animals would live forever and grant us all serenity and happiness if only we would stop eating them? We need the nutrients that eating meat gives us if we want to be healthy. Plus, they’re fucking delicious! Bacon? Hamburgers? Bacon burgers? Chicken burgers with bacon? Turkey? Turkey bacon? It’s all so good. So, really, if you want to be a vegetarian, more power to you! But you’re never going to get people to stop eating meat. It’s too good, it’s too important, and most of all, I’m pretty sure that the Bible, which describes the absolutely, 100% true tales of the One True God and His Boy Jesus and Their Dog Astro, and is not to be read as a parable, but as a nonfiction account written by the Lord Himself on High, tells us we should eat animals. So, PETA, why do you hate God?

As far as what I did on Halloween, I can sum it up in one word: Nothing.

Des (who is now our third follower, let’s all give her a round of applause) burned me a CD by a band called The XX, and I’m digging it. I’m pretty sure it’s going to get played every night when I’m going to sleep for quite a while. I wouldn’t listen to it when I want to be energized, but there’s something nice about their little sound, though I feel like a lot of the songs cut off before they should. I guess I’d rather have that (I call it Neko Case Syndrome) than songs that go way over long.

Oh, and digital only releases are bullshit. I hate having to spend money on a computer file. You hear me, Audra Mae? Also, if you’re going to include a bonus track on a certain format, wouldn’t it make sense to include it on either the CD or the vinyl, and not the fucking ITunes? You hear me, Lawrence Arms? Lagwagon? And every other band that’s pulling this bullshit? If you want to reward people with a bonus track, which I assume is the point of a bonus track, shouldn’t you reward people who are still buying your music in physical format? Those of us who love you enough to want to hold your music in our hands, look at the cover art, read the liner notes, read the lyrics, etc? Instead of some faceless asshat who doesn’t give a shit? I guess I’m becoming the crazy old man who still types on a typewriter instead of a computer with this stuff, but it’s sad for me to see the way the music industry is going.