No internet for me, Adam, until next Wednesday. Here's a new survey to keep you entertained.

1. What is your occupation? When I’m not busy being the Creator of All Things, I waste time at Officemax trying to sell people things they don’t need.

2. What color is your underwear? Today I have my usual leather g-string on, but sometimes, when I’m feeling frisky, I wear an elephant codpiece. You can imagine what fills out the trunk.

3. What are you listening to right now? A combination of my new fan that sounds like a low flying plane, and the water running as Brian takes a shower. You should be glad that I’m not in there with him.

4. What was the last thing you ate? I just had a salad with some delicious Ceasar oregano something dressing that Cam’s Leslie left here, and a frozen pizza that had been sitting in the freezer for an unhealthy amount of time.

5. Do you wish on stars? Only David Hasslehoff. He’s the only one who listens.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Why is there a white crayon? I mean, first of all, you’re usually coloring white paper, but even if you’re coloring black paper it hardly even shows up. So with that in mind, I’d probably be burnt sienna.

7. How is the weather right now? I can’t see outside because I refuse to open my blinds ever again. If you know me, you know why. If you don’t... you’re not reading this.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? I spoke to John’s answering machine, but that’s not a person, so... some lady who works for Fort Collins Utilities who helped me set up the electricity earlier today. No, unfortunately it was not “my hot new girlfriend.”

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? No. I mean yeah, she’s reading this. So... yeah. She’s... good. (J/K LESLIE LOLOLOL!!!111!! roxorz)

10. How old are you today? The same age as I was yesterday, plus one day. And the same age as I’ll be every day until December 23 (send presents).

12. Favorite sport to watch? The fish olympics. Those fish can really ice skate if given the chance.

13. Have you ever dyed your hair? No, but I’ve watched Sarai have three different hair colors in the past two months, so I kind of feel like I have, vicariously, by proxy, etc.

14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Yes. On lazy days I wear glasses. On less lazy days I wear contacts. Generally contacts show off my incredibly sexy eyes more, so I wear them more often. But alas, no one seems to give a flying fuck.

15. Pets? I’ll let you pet me if you play your cards right, but you better take me out to dinner first.

16. Favorite month? Despite the fact that Summer far outweighs winter in the greatness scale, my favorite month is probably December because it’s my birthday, Christmas, Hannukah, and there’s no school for half of it.

17. Favorite food? Piiiiiiizzzzzzzaaaaaaa. Meeeeexxxxxxxiiiiiiiccccccannnnnn. But I’m not a huge fan of Mexican pizza.

18. Last movie you watched? Madagascar, which was decent. But let me tell you about this movie Hotel. It was awful. Probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I have no idea what happened in it or why, and it blew. It made Vanilla Sky look like a movie that sucks a lot less than it actually does. Disclaimer: Vanilla Sky still, in fact, blows ass.

19. Favorite day of the year? Now this is getting a little ridiculous. I don’t know anyone who’s like “Man, you know, June 16th is consistently good to me each year, I really love that day.”

20. What do you do to vent anger? Murder small children. Ha ha, no, I’m just kidding. They don’t have to be that small.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child? I just remembered yesterday that I had this game where you’d play a tape on the VCR (look it up in your history books, kids), and look through this viewfinder thing and shoot at planes and stuff. It beeped if you hit them. The technology behind this still baffles me.

22. Fall or Spring? I’m going to have to go with Spring, if only because falling can be embarrassing and painful.

23. Hugs or kisses? Thanks for the painful reminder that I’m alone and have very little chance of receiving either. Jerk.

24. Cherry or Blueberry? God I love cherry pie. I mean, I really love it. I proposed to one one time, but then I just ate it.

25. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes. In fact, my life depends on it. If I get no replies I may just end my own life. That’s how much I need my friends to email me back.

26. Who is most likely to respond? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Brian, since he’s the only one who ever does. He’s also my only friend.

27. Who is least likely to respond? George W. Bush, because I’ve said some nasty things about him in the past.

28. Living arrangements? Cheap hotels and parking lots, sometimes airports or the backs of grocery stores where I can’t be found. Basically wherever I can sleep without being arrested.

29. When was the last time you cried? I can’t remember the specific time, but I bet you money it had something to do with girls. Damn that gender.

30. What is on the floor of your closet? Three bowling balls, a human skull, and the liver of the ancient cheetah god, Ramulah.

31. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Fishy the magical wonder hamster.

32. What did you do last night? Went to bed at like 6:30. It was pretty awesome, you should have been there.

33. Favorite smells? If I told you, you’d call me a freaky freak mcfreakerson, or something equally upsetting, like super weird freaky dude or dirty rotten freak weirdo freak man.

34. What inspires you? Seeing bad people get hurt. Does that make me a bad person?

35. What are you afraid of? I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, afraid of the uncertainty that the future holds, afraid when I think of how insignificant my life is in the grand scheme of the universe. Nah, I’m just kidding, I’m really afraid of the holes in swiss cheese.

36. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? What’s a spicy hamburger? I dump a lot of spices in my hamburgers. But I also put cheese on them. Are the two mutually exclusive? What’s the meaning of life? Why not have a cheesy spicy hamburger? Can cows jump?

37. Favorite car? Horse drawn carriages are where it’s at, baby.

38. Favorite dog breed? Being as I am an expert in all things dog, I do believe the best is the schnauzerweilerpoodleterrieretriever. It’s... just a mix of all five of the dog types I know, it doesn’t really exist. I mean, look it up.

39. Number of keys on your key ring? I recently doubled my key total from 2 to 4, but soon I’ll be back to a paltry 3. Mailbox, car, apartment. I’m a really simple kind of guy like that.

40. How many years at your current address? Years? I haven’t lived for years in the same place in.... years. The current one as of today, about 2 months. If I answered this later today I’d be able to say about x hours. I move a lot. I guess that’s to be expected when you’re my age and your awesomeness scares people away.

41. Favorite day of the week? As NOFX says, “Monday is my favorite time of year.” It’s true if you don’t work, because you can do whatever you want and there’s nobody out. Except old people and parents with little screaming kids. Which almost makes you want to wait until the weekend to go do something before you realize then it’s middle aged grumpy people and stupid drunk ass college kids trying to get laid you have to deal with then. The moral of the story: never leave your house.

42. How many states have you lived in? Let’s see. I’ll put it into song form. “Iiiiiiiii was born in Texassssss, thennnnnn I lived in Geeeeee-oooooorrrr-giaaaaa. We moooooved to Coloraaaadoooooo. Then I kinda lived in Nevada for a moooooonth. Aaaaaaand thaaaaaatttttt’ssss iiiiiiiiiit!” It’ll be a top ten hit soon, don’t you worry.