I often wonder if Billy Mays is going through an Existential crisis. Maybe his loud sales pitch is a defense mechanism to conceal his own inner-ennui at promoting yet another product about which he has diffidence. I mean, seriously, how many products can one person sell? Apparently more than 61, as Wikipedia (that ever infallible source) lists 61 products, but notes that "[the] list is incomplete." 61 products and still not complete?! Jesus!

What happens when the cameras turn off? What happens when Billy Mays goes home? Does he have a wife? Or a husband? (I'm not here to make assumptions about Billy.) I'm merely assuming that he sits quietly in a dumpster-salvaged armchair, slouched over and dimly illuminated by a single fluorescent light bulb hung in a droopy-looking floor lamp.

Or maybe he goes out and, like some magical elfin creature, bestows his products upon unsuspecting laymen. Maybe he runs around with a bottle of Mighty Mend It and repairs other people's fashion emergencies. (By the way: my birthday is coming up and, if you're looking for a gift, may I recommend the "Emily" hat used in the commercial on Might Mend It's main page. Gotta get me some of that bling!)

Who are you, Billy Mays?