Something I've been kicking around for a while is little summaries of bands' careers that I've followed from beginning to end. So here are three of them:

Thursday – Like many bands, Thursday’s debut was a rough outline of what was to come. Muddled production didn’t help, and the sound wasn’t quite there yet. Their second album, Full Collapse was an album that created an entire genre of music. If not created, at least popularized. From start to finish, it was an experience, bookended by electronic sounds, filled with fantastic lyrics and pained screams, memorable sections of songs, spoken word, and layered, lush guitars. It was an impossible album to eclipse, but Thursday’s complete failure to even get close is disappointing. Aside from the description above, the album benefitted from two things: low expectations and good production, highlighting the unique strengths of the band. Their next album, War All the Time, was solid, with a few exceptional songs, but it didn’t have the overall strength of its predecessor, and the production started “cleaning” up, which did not help the band. This only got worse on A City by the Light Divided, which, as you may be able to tell from its highfalutin title, was supposed to be (according to them on their live DVD) the album the band had always wanted to make. It was completely forgettable, and found the band sounding like a band that listened to Thursday growing up, trying and failing to emulate them. The songs weren’t catchy or powerful, and a big part of that was because of the production, which completely missed the point of the band. Guitars dulled and ran into each other, and everything generally sounded muddy and boring, and by this point Geoff’s voice had gotten “good,” to the detriment of the band’s sound. I figured this was the end of Thursday, but then there came some hope with the new stuff on their B-sides album and their split with Envy. The split in particular showed the band simultaneously maturing and getting back to the sound that served them so well on Full Collapse. With my expectations set high, the band released Common Existence, an album that I listened to maybe twice. I guess there’s always next time, but I may not be there to hear it.

Thrice – Identity Crisis was a rough version of the band that would go on to release the breathtakingly hard yet catchy The Illusion of Safety. Thrice would never sound this good again, suffering from some of the same problems that faced Thursday: poor production and high expectations. Subsequent albums took the blazing lead guitar from Safety and buried it under rhythm guitar and bass, and the edge disappeared from Dustin’s voice. It also didn’t help that Thrice lost their edge. The harder punk band from the first two albums mellowed out and produced albums full of similar sounding songs. The Artist in the Ambulance may have suffered from too-high expectations, but it also suffered because it lacked any songs that punched you in the gut like we’d come to expect. Vheissu was forgettable, and The Alchemy Index, while a cool idea, was ultimately too expensive and bogged down by double-album syndrome. There were some songs, particularly on the Fire album, that tried to get back to what I liked most about the band, but the Water album was almost entirely forgettable, and the best stuff off of Air and Earth reminded me of a weaker version of Dustin’s surprisingly good solo album. That said, it’s probably the coolest vinyl concept that I own, with each album on an appropriately colored 10” in a book that has all the lyrics and notes about each song. If only the music was that awesome.

No Use For A Name – This band reached a great three album apex with Leche Con Carne, Making Friends, and More Betterness. Leche was great straight up punk, Making Friends saw the band becoming more melodic, and More Betterness brought the band into pop punk territory fully, but did it with great songs and great lyrics. Then the band hit Hard Rock Bottom (excuse the pun), and slummed through that album, a mediocre live album, and the completely forgettable, one-note Keep Them Confused. Luckily, last year’s The Feel Good Record of the Year was a nice step back towards being relevant for the band, with songs that actually sounded different, and included different instruments. You can only play the same poppy punk songs for so many albums before you need to change something or fade away, and that album changed just enough without losing the band’s sound. Here’s hoping that the next album keeps the momentum going and doesn’t become “40 Year Olds Trying to Play Punk, but They Don’t Really Like It Anymore, Part III” (see Hard Rock and Confused for parts I and II).

I'll probably do more of these in the future, because while I realize that no one who reads this aside from Brian has probably ever listened to a single song by any of these bands, it's kind of fun to write and trace a band's high and low points.

People need to get off Michael Vick’s ass. He wasn’t strangling dogs or cutting out their insides when they were alive. He provided a house in which his family and friends fought dogs. He didn’t run over anyone while drunk driving. He didn’t assault anyone. He didn’t get arrested for carrying ridiculous amounts of weapons into stupid places. But he served more jail time than anyone else in sports who did those things. If you think dogs have more value than people, you’re wrong and you may be retarded. You might want to get checked.

Speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve talked about how much I dislike militant vegetarians, or especially vegans. Let me start by saying that my mom is a vegetarian, and I know lots of people who are normal people who don’t eat meat because they don’t like it, they want to be healthier, or even they think killing animals for food is wrong. That’s all fine and good. What bothers me is when people who don’t eat meat judge people who do. Like there’s something unnatural about eating meat, even though any animal with sharp enough teeth does it. And they don’t do it in a nice, caring way, either. Generally they seem to run after the weakest animal they can find, rip out its throat while it’s still alive, and proceed to eat it while it lays there bleeding in the sun, abandoned by its loved ones, forgotten by history, its bloated rotting corpse stripped bare by predators, scavengers, and maggots. And yet, by eating meat, I’m somehow a bad person, when we raise these animals, feed them, love them, feed them, feed them, and then slice their heads off, carve them up, and eat them. I’m not saying it’s a great thing. Sure, it’d be fantastic if we could all live off of our own bodies and never have to eat anything that was alive. It would also be fantastic if we never had to sleep, if we all got along, and if no one ever wanted for anything.

I think my point is, while slaughtering animals for food isn’t pretty, what the hell else are we supposed to do? Lethally inject them? We can’t let them die of natural causes because nobody wants to eat nasty old animal meat. It seems like slaughtering them the way we do is more humane than the “natural” way that animals get eaten, as described so poetically above. Militant veggies do realize that animals all die anyway, right? Do they think that animals would live forever and grant us all serenity and happiness if only we would stop eating them? We need the nutrients that eating meat gives us if we want to be healthy. Plus, they’re fucking delicious! Bacon? Hamburgers? Bacon burgers? Chicken burgers with bacon? Turkey? Turkey bacon? It’s all so good. So, really, if you want to be a vegetarian, more power to you! But you’re never going to get people to stop eating meat. It’s too good, it’s too important, and most of all, I’m pretty sure that the Bible, which describes the absolutely, 100% true tales of the One True God and His Boy Jesus and Their Dog Astro, and is not to be read as a parable, but as a nonfiction account written by the Lord Himself on High, tells us we should eat animals. So, PETA, why do you hate God?

As far as what I did on Halloween, I can sum it up in one word: Nothing.

Des (who is now our third follower, let’s all give her a round of applause) burned me a CD by a band called The XX, and I’m digging it. I’m pretty sure it’s going to get played every night when I’m going to sleep for quite a while. I wouldn’t listen to it when I want to be energized, but there’s something nice about their little sound, though I feel like a lot of the songs cut off before they should. I guess I’d rather have that (I call it Neko Case Syndrome) than songs that go way over long.

Oh, and digital only releases are bullshit. I hate having to spend money on a computer file. You hear me, Audra Mae? Also, if you’re going to include a bonus track on a certain format, wouldn’t it make sense to include it on either the CD or the vinyl, and not the fucking ITunes? You hear me, Lawrence Arms? Lagwagon? And every other band that’s pulling this bullshit? If you want to reward people with a bonus track, which I assume is the point of a bonus track, shouldn’t you reward people who are still buying your music in physical format? Those of us who love you enough to want to hold your music in our hands, look at the cover art, read the liner notes, read the lyrics, etc? Instead of some faceless asshat who doesn’t give a shit? I guess I’m becoming the crazy old man who still types on a typewriter instead of a computer with this stuff, but it’s sad for me to see the way the music industry is going.

I'm sitting here listening to an All Hallows Eve (Dance) Mix Ben made (check it out! He said the link should work for about a week. So act soon!) and I'm eating some MONSTERous grapes. (Okay, they're not that big. But they are big grapes.) Oh yeah, and it's Monday, November 2nd. All of this can only mean one thing: It's time for me to talk about Halloween!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's just pretend that this was more topical/on-time.

Friday night I saw Jude Law in Hamlet. Very cool. I didn't really hear his first soliloquy because I was saying to myself, "Wow. Here's the guy I've seen in I Heart Huckabees and Gattaca and now here he is, in front of me, reciting Shakespeare. And he's going to keep it up for three hours! I should really shut up and listen to what he's saying." That's pretty much my interior monologue, verbatim.

Saturday night was an adventure. I got a last-minute ticket to the sold-out Get Up Kids show at Irving Plaza. Doors/show was at 9, so I decided to get downtown at 8:30, thinking I'd have plenty of time. I got off the subway at 14th St. and 7th Ave. (for you non-New Yorkers, this is about three avenues west and two blocks south of where I needed to be), only to surface and find myself in the middle of utter pandemonium. Since this was my first Halloween in the city, I was unfamiliar with the (annual?) Halloween parade. It goes along 6th Ave. (Again, for you non-New Yorkers: By going along 6th Ave, the parade prevented me from walking eastward. This was a problem.) Police officers assured me, though, that they were letting people cross over 6th at 15th St. and 19th St. On my walk to 15th St., it started to rain. And, of course, when I got there, they weren't letting people cross. Nor at 19th St. I decided that going north was a bad idea (the parade was heading north), so I turned around and walked south. I figured that if I reached the point where the parade began, I could then cut eastward. Thankfully, before I ended up walking way more than I had to, I realized that I could take the L (get this -- from the exact same stop I got off of originally!) one stop and exit on the east-side of 6th Ave. And that's how I was able to get to Irving Plaza. About forty minutes late. But I got there!

Thankfully, The Get Up Kids totally made up for my escapades. They came out dressed as characters from The Wizard of Oz: Matt Pryor was the Scarecrow, the keyboard player was the Cowardly Lion, the other guitarist was the Tin Man, the drummer was the Wicked Witch, and the bass player was Dorthy. They then proceeded to follow another Halloween tradition I was unfamiliar with: covering a whole album. Yeah, they played the entire Something to Write Home About album. It was incredible. I felt like the entire crowd was singing along. I don't know if I've ever been part of such an amazing crowd experience. After wrapping up the album, they played a couple songs from Guilt Show (still don't like those songs) and Four Minute Mile (very cool), and ended with an odd choice: "Walking on a Wire." I like the song, so I didn't mind, but I do find it an odd closer.

After the show, I walked to Times Square to see more people in costumes. The award for you-think-your-costume-is-original-but-it-really-isn't goes to the five or six guys I saw wearing banana outfits. What's this all about? Did I miss something? Two of the guys were right around the corner from each other, too. I also saw a couple people as Mario, Luigi, Peach, etc. One of the better costumes I saw was Lt. Dangle from Reno 911. That was pretty funny.

Anyway, check out Ben's party mix. Download it and save it for next year. It's cool.

Ask and you shall receive: I know all the kids today have been clamoring for an overview of literary theory post-1940. They practically won't shut up about it. Thus, as a public service, I present to you...

Formalism, Structuralism, and Post-Structuralism in Under 1000 Words

Formalism
The names to know: Cleanth Brooks and Robert Penn Warren

I’m not going to talk about Formalism much, mostly because you already know it. If you’ve taken an English class in high school or college, then you know Formalism. Maybe you know it better as New Criticism. Or maybe you know it better as “close reading.” But it’s all the same thing: you’re focused only on the text. Not the author, not the historical context, just the work itself. What does the text mean? What makes it a “good” text or a “bad” text? Look for things like symbolism, ambiguity, irony, repetition, theme. If you’ve written an English paper, you’ve probably used a Formalist approach to literature.

Structuralism
The names to know: Ferdinand de Saussure, Tzvetan Todorov, Roland Barthes

Language. Structuralism is all about language. Ferdinand de Saussure looks at how we have a series of signifiers and signifieds. Signifiers are the words/sounds we use to represent signifieds, the objects/concepts we’re trying to relate. So, the combined letters c-a-t are the socially-agreed-upon signifier for the signified “cat.” Although these signifieds and signifiers are arbitrary (the idea of “cat” could just as easily have been represented by “dog” or “pizza” or “disodama”), they are bound together like two sides of the same coin. Thus, words (and, more importantly, the act of naming) construct our reality. To structuralists, there is no objective reality. We build our own perception of reality through words. Example time: Let’s say we didn’t have the terms “light blue” and “dark blue” to describe colors, we only had “blue.” As a result, if two people were wearing different shades of blue, we wouldn’t perceive them to be different because they would both just be “blue.” The fact that we can differentiate the two colors is solely because we have a different vocabulary for the shades of blue. Crazy, right? But it gets better. To de Saussure, the way we get any sort of meaning out of words/sounds is by differentiating them from what they’re not. When I wrote “cat,” you knew it was “cat” because it wasn’t “car” or “cab” or “can.” Think of it this way: when you have trouble reading someone’s handwriting, it’s because you can’t differentiate the letters. A “c” might look like an “e” or an “a” might look like an “o” or a “t” might look like an “l.” Whatever. In order to figure out what something is, you have to first determine what it is not.

That’s the semiotics side of structuralism. Todorov and Barthes expand the approach to literature. They were interested in looking at a piece of literature (or a series of works) and determining what structural elements it contained. By recognizing these devices, you can form conventions. So, for example: Quantum Leap. (What is this, 1990? Yes.) Every episode opens with Sam leaping into a new character. He tries to figure out the situation, then says “Oh boy.” Al comes in, gives Sam some info. Sam tries to change history. Something gets in his way and it looks like he’ll be stuck in the past. Al and Sam team up and get through the situation. Sam leaps into a new character. He says “Oh boy” and that’s that. Knowing this formula is comforting. If I watch an episode of Quantum Leap, I don’t have to worry about Sam dying or getting stuck in the past or making these people’s lives worse. The same thing applies to detective novels or romantic-comedies or punk music. There’s an order, a system. Everything falls into place. But if something doesn’t quite fit the mold (like, say, Arrested Development, which isn’t a typical episodic sitcom), we can create a new sub-genre (single-camera comedy?) by whittling it down from what it’s not. Know the convention, you know the rules. You know the rules, you can break them.

Post-structuralism/Deconstruction
The names to know: Jacques Derrida, Roland Barthes

Post-modern literature plays on the idea of messing with form, messing with conventions. The author as a character. The text realizing it’s a text. Structuralism was all about having things in order. Post-structuralism says there is no order, there is no system. Derrida argues this by stating that language is infinite. Don’t know the definition of a word? Look it up in the dictionary. But what do you find? More words to describe a word. And you can look up those words, only to find more words. There is no beginning and there is no end. Structuralists have closure (once you fuse the signified and the signifier together, there’s a complete system), but post-structuralists deconstruct that image. They unravel words. They say that concepts like “God” or “fate” or “time” –- some of the big-ticket items that we associate with a beginning or end or something outside of us –- aren’t really anything. They’re just socially-indoctrinated concepts that we’ve been told are “the answer.” But “God” or “fate” is just as susceptible to unraveling as anything else.

As a result, since there is no beginning or end, there is nothing original. Barthes is merely one person to argue that anything you create today has already been created before. (Part of this mindset began with the structuralists –- by inspecting the commonalities among several works, it highlights the lack of originality.) Everything is just a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy with no origin. For instance, we like to distinguish between someone saying “I love you” in a movie and “I love you” in real-life. In the movies, we can assume it’s fake, it’s not real. But even saying “I love you” in real-life isn’t original. In fact, it’s actually kind of cliché. But all words are cliché. There isn’t such a thing as an “original” word. The only reason you can decipher anything that I’ve written so far is because each of the individual signifiers I’ve decided to type out has been around long enough to coalesce into the language we use today. Nothing is original.


Whew. I’m sure I omitted a ton of important information and probably got some things wrong, but that’s it in a nutshell. Or 999 words.

So Lucero last night was pretty awesome. The first band, John Paul Keith and the One Four Fives were an excellent find, playing a modern version of late 50's rock and roll. Awesome guitar work, a cool solo in every song, and just a great all around feel. I dropped 15 bucks on their CD and their new 7", and it was well worth it to support a band that I don't think anyone outside of Tennessee has ever heard of. Cam and I agreed, if that band was around 50 years ago they'd be huge. Today, it's a niche market, but Cam and I both loved it.

The second act, which was the first band with a different singer, was a guy called Jack Oblivian. He wasn't great. His voice was weird and the songs slogged around for a long time without ever going anywhere. Passable.

Then Lucero slayed. Now, having seen them with the horns, keyboard, and slide guitar (doubling the amount of guys on stage from four every other time I've seen them to EIGHT this time), I can fully embrace the new instruments. Really, the horns were never THAT big a deal, but they were offputting, as was was the keyboard when it showed up on Rebels (I thought it made them sound like a Bruce Springsteen cover band). But having seen them all on stage together, I'm fully behind it, and I realize that it's not just little studio flourishes. The horns and keyboard fit really well into older songs as well, and I actually found myself wishing they'd figured out a way to put horns into ALL their songs. The set list was incredibly solid, and, like Brian's show in New York, they played for over two hours. That's what I'm talking about. Hearing the new songs was great, although I kind of wish they'd left out 6's and 7's, which is maybe the weakest song off the new album, and played My Best Girl or Chain Link Fence. But, as a band puts out more music, some of the old stuff has to get left behind. I do appreciate how they represent EVERY album (sans the Attic Tapes) at their shows. They do a great job of mixing in old and new, so everyone should leave happy. And I was happy to see they had their usual "set list" of songs, which meant they came out and played six songs or so, then took requests, then played some songs they had planned, then took requests, etc. I like the loose feel of the shows, and it's good to see that even though their arrangement has gotten more complicated and they're on a major label now, they're still able to be free. Also, I love how the bass player doesn't give a flying fuck about the smoking ban, and has smoked every single time I've seen them. Smoking is so cool, kids! I was especially pleased to hear The Last Pale Light in the West, off Ben's solo album, and a new song called The Other Side of Lonesome (or something). I was surprised to hear a new song, since they just put out an album, but Ben explained that it was left off the newest album but should surface somewhere at some point. It was a nice little Ben number, and while it was good, I'm not too sorry it was left off Overton.

So that's that. Then it snowed. And snowed. And snowed. There's at least a foot out there right now, and it's supposed to snow straight through until Friday. Which is totally lame. But work was canceled today and tomorrow, so I guess some good has come out of it. I was especially grateful for it today, since I didn't get to bed until after 12:30 last night. Sucks because I still got up at 7 this morning to get ready for work, and THEN got the call to not come in, but it was better than going to work and then finding out I didn't need to have gone.

Magnolia Electric Co came out with a Daytrotter session this past week, as did the Get Up Kids. So all you people who want free good music should go download those. Carly Simon did too, I think, which I thought was weird, but whatever. Daytrotter's an equal opportunity recording studio.

The Great Adam Cooking Adventure has commenced, and I've made a nice pizza with green peppers, olives, pepperoni, and mushrooms on it. It was pretty great. I did screw up the first dough though, because I didn't read the directions and got a little overzealous with my desire to ACTUALLY be making pizza. I smashed that shit down and tried to flatten it out, throw it up in the air, etc. But, with Pillsbury dough you can't do that. You just have to unroll it. By the time I realized that, the damage was done though. So, that was a $2 learning experience. Then I made chicken fajitas, and goddamn I'm amazing. I mixed my own seasoning, made my own guacamole, and sauteed my own veggies and meat, and it was awesome. I've also spiced up my lunch sandwiches with some tomato and spinach, made a nice buffalo chicken salad, and made a good breakfast burrito. So the moral of the story is, I'm currently looking for a good retail space to open my new restaurant, which I will call GACA in honor of the Adventure. If I can't open a Dunkin Donuts, I'll open a fajitas, pizza, breakfast burrito restaurant. The man can't keep me down!

My trend of ostensibly ripping Adam off by only talking about things after he's brought them up continues: Dreams. I don't really remember them. I don't know why, but I never have. That's why it's always exciting when I do recall snippets of my dreams. That happened last night. Again, this is all very fuzzy to me, so don't expect it to make a bunch of sense. But I was back in high school and hanging out with Zooey Deschanel. Yeah, she apparently went to high school with me. Anyway, we were walking around the upstairs hallway of Chantilly High School, right near the top of the stairs on the second floor (where it overlooks the library) and Zooey decided to heckle a group of other kids across the way. She said, "You meddling kids!" and I think she shook her fist and everything. Then I made some sort of Scooby Doo joke (don't remember the specific line) that made her laugh. I made Zooey Deschanel laugh! In my dreams, of course, but hey, where else is it going to happen?

The Lawrence Arms have a new 7" coming out tomorrow. I'd tell you the name of it, but it's pretty gross. Thing is, Amazon already has the mp3s for sale. So I just bought it, right before starting this post. So far: I like it. It's not up to Oh! Calcutta! caliber (I miss the dual vocals), but it's still good stuff. Here I am, 25-and-a-half, sitting by my computer, wearing headphones, and doing that head-bopping thing to punk rock. I wonder how much longer I'm going to like this genre of music. I feel as though the majority of the punk I still listen to is largely based on its nostalgic effect. Which explains why I can't get into any of the newer punk bands. But it's interesting that I can still get into new material by the old bands I used to listen to. (Well, except for maybe NOFX. I gave Coaster one half-listen and that was it.) Anyway, I don't know. Am I going to be that weird approaching-50-year-old who's still listening to punk rock? Is that weird and sad, or kind of noble in its own way?

Think there's someone in the world whose absolute favorite band is UB40? Would you be friends with this person? Why or why not? Discuss.

Fucking pigeons. They sit on my windowsill taunting me all day. I hit the window with drum sticks and they fly to another window. Coo, coo, they say. Recently, they've begun just staring at me like "Yeah, what are you going to do, drum stick man? Come out here and get us?" And of course I can't, and they know it now. I hate goddamn pigeons.

You ever have a dream where you start peeing, and then at that very moment your alarm goes off? That’ll freak you out for a few seconds.

I just got done watching Away We Go, and I absolutely loved it. It was honestly a relief to watch a movie in which the two main characters, a man and a woman in love, don't have some cliche fight half way through, then we wonder if they'll get back together, and of course they do. No, that doesn't happen in Away We Go. These two people are deeply in love, they're absolutely adorable together, and they never fight. They wonder if they're failures because they're approaching their mid 30's and they don't have their lives figured out. They don't get married because the woman doesn't see the point. And all they want to do is find a place where they can raise their baby. It's a "small" movie, but Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski are amazing in it. It's kind of got your traditional indie movie quirks, but they're less pronounced here, and it leaves an honest feeling, funny movie, and it's happy and uplifting throughout. That said, it has a 58/100 on Metacritic. Go figure.

Can we talk about The Mountain Goats? I think we should. The Sunset Tree is one of the best albums ever made, in my opinion. Probably the most heartfelt thing I've ever listened to, and the feeling of redemption and power is really unmatched in anything I've ever heard. The there was Get Lonely, which was boring, no two ways around it. I gave it another listen again recently, and it just doesn't do anything for me. It's too hushed and samey, and never goes anywhere. Then there was Heretic Pride, which was forgettable. So, just when I'm thinking that John Darnielle blew his musical load on The Sunset Tree, along comes The Life of the World to Come to renew my faith. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't as good as The Sunset Tree. And it's definitely not uplifting. But it's interesting, and the songs feel constructed for the first time in a couple albums. I'm not a big fan of the song titles all being bible verses, but Genesis 3:23 is the catchiest song he's done in three albums, and listening to Matthew 25:21 in the dark alone literally brought a tear to my eye. It's been a long time since a song has made me tear up. The last four songs on here are heartbreaking, in a good way. Did you know there are people in this world who don't really care about music? It's very strange. I think it's probably a medical condition.

I bought vegetables and cooking ingredients. Here goes the Great Adam Cooking Adventure. Yeah, that's the name I came up with after days of trying to think of a catchy title for this thing. Maybe there's a reason I don't write anymore.

:(

Prepare yourself: I'm about to reveal to you an unadulterated look into the constantly-on-the-go lifestyle of a newly emigrated New Yorker. The time: Friday night. The scene: my kitchen. As I'm eating a bowl of cereal, I decide to look at the ingredients labels on the various foods I have in my cabinet. After looking at the cereals themselves, I move on to the popcorn. The nutrition facts for the popcorn are split down two columns: one for servings of popped popcorn and the other for servings of unpopped popcorn. Hold up. Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, this means there are enough people in the world who open up a bag of popcorn and start diving right into the kernels that it warrants a specific column of nutritional information? Are these people so pressed for time that they can't spare two-and-a-half minutes to, you know, cook the popcorn? Or do they simply have disdain for their teeth and, in an effort to expedite the process of obtaining dentures, desire to shatter their teeth by eating raw kernels? But, really, the biggest question of them all is: who the fuck thinks all this on a Friday night?

Okay, so the answer is because I've been on the verge of getting sick this past week and I'm still in a state of recovery. Monday night and Tuesday hit me the hardest, but there's been a gradual improvement of health.

The Mighty Boosh. Maybe you've heard of it, maybe you haven't. Ben brought this show to my attention. And, as he described it to me, "it's very British." It's kind of a mix of Aqua Teen and Tim and Eric and Monty Python. Absurd, awkward, weird. But also very funny. I've only seen a handful of episodes, but it's been pleasant enough for me to feel the need to share it with our abundance of fans (two-to-five people).

I'll agree with Adam about the Abbey Road medley thing. Pretty fantastic. Those 17 minutes go by so quickly. "Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight / The End" is such an amazing conclusion, too. Now THAT'S how you end your career. Damn.

Well, we've always been known for our mountains, our being fit (present company excluded), and our love for the good weed, but thanks to recent news we're finally getting to be known as the new haven for insane people. Yes, thanks to the terrorist arrest a little while back, and the balloon incident, Colorado should change its nickname from whatever its nickname is, to The Altitude Will Drive You Crazy. Literally!

Let it be known that playing through the medley at the end of Abbey Road in Beatles Rock Band is probably the best Rock Band moment of all the Rock Band moments. Thank God they realized that everyone was going to want to do that and didn't make us pick each song individually, only to play the little song snippets individually and be interrupted by cheering and loading every minute and a half.

The tickets have arrived for Lucero on the 27th. I'm super pumped, especially after Brian's description of the setlist. I am kind of shocked that they didn't play What Are You Willing to Lose, because that song would rock live, so we'll see if they play it here.

You know, I've harped on this recently, but if everyone would just stop watching reality shows, we wouldn't have entire families making elaborate hoaxes about little boys trapped in what looks to be a floating popcorn tin. We also wouldn't have to be subjected to John and Kate, and we wouldn't be rewarding the worst, most vile people in the world. Just something to think about. But seriously, what should happen to the Heenes? Should their kids be taken away? Should they be thrown in jail for six years? Should they just be fined $50 each, naughty little adults? Here's what I think should happen. Don't take their kids away. Fine them a nice middle of the road fine through the court, and then make them pay back the thousands and thousands of dollars that they caused rescue people to spend, airline delays, etc. That will probably make them lose their house, which is okay with me, because then they won't have anymore tin foil to make space ships out of, and they can live on the street for a while, because that's what you get for being miserable pieces of shit.

Here's what's going to happen instead. They're going to get the reality show they were trying to get attention for, make a ton of money, and thus the New American Dream will come true. Be as awful a person as you possibly can, and you'll get your own fucking TV show.

That said, why won't Dunkin Donuts let Des and me open a store in Colorado? A little Dunkin Donuts might help everyone here to be less crazy. If they'd just let us open one that's open 24 hours near DU, it would also help me become less poor. Everyone's a winner. Yet, Dunkin Donuts does not think that Colorado deserves donut stores. And they might be right. People here eat donuts for breakfast and that's it. Good luck finding a donut store that's open after 2pm. Fucking bizarre is what it is. You know what would be great at 1am after some serious drinking? A dozen donuts. And you know what would allow that to happen? Us, opening a Dunkin Donuts across the street from Denver University. Come on Dunkin Donuts! Hear my plea! Have mercy! You're telling me New York and Chicago need one on every street corner, but Colorado isn't allowed to have ONE? Imagine the distances people would travel for your famous iced coffee! There'd be caravans from Wyoming and Utah and New Mexico pulling up every day. Think about it, Mr. Dunkin, and Mr. Donuts, as I assume your names must be.

Alright fine. Let it snow, let it snow, let me open a Dunkin Donuts and make enough money to move to the tropics. Amen.

What's the deal with people from Fort Collins, Colorado? Bunch of weirdos, I tell ya. Why, if I so much as even knew someone from there -- let alone went to school there -- I'd... but you get the joke already, so I don't need to finish it.

Okay, so let me see if I understand this all. The Heene family was on "Wife Swap." The dad claims to be a meteorologist or scientist, but it turns out he only has a high school education. The entire event with the child-trapped-inside-a-balloon was a hoax. The police, in an effort to win over the Heene's trust and thereby unearth the truth, lied to the press (thus, creating their own hoax) by pretending to believe the Heene's story. And, oh yeah, there's a Wikipedia page devoted to the incident and everything. Can a brother get a "What the fuck?"

I know I've probably caused a large percentage of our readership much consternation and inability-to-sleep by not stating which show I ended up going to last night. YOU MAY NOW REST EASY: I went to see Lucero. Why? The answer to that question goes back a long, long, long, long, long, long time ago. I'm talking late Thursday night.

Thursday night was the Gaslight Anthem show at Terminal 5. I had never been to Terminal 5 before and, when I arrived, I almost immediately didn't like it. It's way too big. (I know, I know -- they're a bunch of sell-outs. Why can't they play small, intimate venues?) Seriously, though, the space was kind of unnecessarily large. The Gaslight Anthem still put on a good show, and I enjoyed their set, but waiting around for them to play wasn't much fun. And since The Avett Brothers were also playing at Terminal 5, I decided to see Lucero at a different venue: Webster Hall. Aesthetically, Webster Hall is much nicer. It's smaller, cozier, and isn't as open/gigantic. However, whoever was running sound there last night didn't do a great job. Everything was just ridiculously loud. I had to really concentrate on each of the instruments if I wanted to hear, say, a kick-ass organ solo. Maybe the space has some tough acoustics, but it was definitely one of the worst-sounding shows I've been to in a while. Which is a shame, because Lucero played for close to two hours. Aside from the new album (which they played in its entirety, save for "What Are You Willing To Lose?," [majorly disappointed by that, but whatever] "Sixes and Sevens," and "Halfway Wrong"), they hit a lot of the older classics: "That Much Further West," "Chain Link Fence," "Nights Like These," "Tears Don't Matter Much," "Sweet Little Thing," and "What Else Would You Have Me Be?" So yeah, a very solid set. I didn't realize that Ben Nichols does lead-guitar on some songs. I always assumed it was the larger guy with the bushy beard who played lead. So that was cool. I also didn't realize how scrawny Ben is. This is really an observation of no consequence whatsoever, I just felt like pointing it out on behalf of scrawny people everywhere. Look, you, too, can be successful!

A while ago (I don't remember when exactly. You expect me to look through 110 [!] entries?), Adam made a post that was a track list for a mix CD. I liked his idea a lot. And I wanted to do something similar, but I wanted a way that everyone could share in the end result. Fast-forward however much time it's been. Over the weekend, I found out about a website called Daytrotter. Every day, they offer three to five songs by a different artist. Very cool. Thus, I present to you...

The Completely DIY Mix CD

All you have to do is go to the website, look up each artist, download the track, and burn them to a disc. Cool, huh?

1. Arizona - Whiskey or Wine: James, Arizona's drummer, is a friend of mine from the days of Georgia. Yeah, crazy, huh? Since his band has a Daytrotter session, I feel obligated to introduce them to you. This song is good. They're good.

2. The Avett Brothers - Paranoia in B-Flat Major: One of my favorite tracks off Emotionalism. I love the energy in this song.

3. Matt Pryor - Lorali: Poor Matt Pryor. I don't think he's ever going to write songs as good as the ones he wrote for The Get Up Kids. This one comes close, though.

4. The Plain White T's - Runaway: Here's a throw-back to high school. I haven't listened to The Plain White T's in years, but this is a fun cover of a fun song.

5. Aimee Mann - Freeway: This song may or may not have been on the Magnolia soundtrack. I never saw the movie, so I don't know. But I like it, regardless.

6. Okkervil River - You Can't Hold the Hand of a Rock and Roll Man: An insanely-long song title, I know. But it's a great tune. Listening to this song takes me back ten or eleven months, since I first got into them near the end of last year.

7. Death Cab for Cutie - The New Year: It's not my favorite Death Cab song, but it's definitely one of my favorites.

8. Minus the Bear - Part 2: I never picked up Planet of Ice, but I like the sound of this song.

9. Bon Iver - Lump Sum: Okay, I admit it: I don't quite get what the deal is with everyone liking Bon Iver. Maybe I just haven't given him a solid listen, but I feel like Sam Beam is much better when it comes to the hushed vocals/quiet acoustic guitar stuff. That said, I'm quite impressed with this song.

10. Barcelona - Time to Mend: There's really not much going on in this song (it's a basic guy-and-his-guitar slow jam), but something about it gets to me. Just wait for the "Oh, oh listen. Hear me." part. I also like the lines "We're caught in this place, we're stalled in this place. But don't let it kill you now. We're not here to stay. We're not here to stay."

11. Sondre Lerche - Say It All: I first saw Sondre Lerche during CMJ four years ago. (I think.) I never kept up with him, but he put on a good live show. This song reminds me why I liked his set so much.

12. The Mountain Goats - Ethiopians: I have no idea how one person (John Darnielle) can write so many songs (like, eight thousand) and make almost all of them good. By the way, he/they have two Daytrotter sessions. "Ethiopians" is from the June 13th, 2007 session.

13. The Elected - Would You Come with Me?: We got this CD at the radio station when it came out several years ago. This was the track I'd play during my radio show. Great tune. Features one or two members of Rilo Kiley.

14. The Submarines - You, Me, and the Bourgeoisie: Yeah, it's from that iPod commercial, but it's damn catchy. A fun song.

15. Ingrid Michaelson - Can't Help Falling in Love with You: I have to thank Karen for introducing me to Ingrid Michaelson. Girls and Boys is a great album. In fact, her entire Daytrotter session is fantastic. But this cover is crazy good. I wish she were singing it to me.

There you go! Now get downloadin' and burnin' and reacquaintin' with your southern roots.

All right! (I'm not really that enthused/psyched, but I want to keep up this trend of starting posts with exclamations. It provides the reader with a sense of urgency and excitement. [A feeling that immediately dissipates once he or she finishes an extensive parenthetical aside, such as this.]) There!

So, thanks to Adam's input, I was all ready to go see The Avett Brothers Saturday night. But then, the next day, I received the new Lucero album. And, as Adam said, it's "so goddamn good." Knowing that they're probably going to play a majority of the new record really makes this a tough decision. In addition to the songs Adam mentioned, "What Are You Willing to Lose?" is perhaps the catchiest tune on the CD. If that song doesn't end up on the radio -- and it probably won't -- the radio is seriously missing out on a huge hit. I also thoroughly enjoy "Hey Darlin' Do You Gamble?" Maybe I just like song titles with question marks in them. But yeah, wow. I, too, lament the loss of some kick-ass lead guitar, but this is probably my favorite album by them. And, as much as I love the new Avett Brothers record, I think I like the Lucero album better... Damn it, why do they both have to be playing on the same night?

I saw Inglorious Basterds yesterday. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I realized, about two-thirds of the way into the movie, that Tarantino does a fantastic job of creating tension in small, quiet scenes. Meaning, there aren't many epic shots of combat, ala Saving Private Ryan. Instead, it's usually two, three, four people talking. But the situations are so ripe with power (who has it?) and secrets (who knows what?) that it makes for a very tense scene, even though nothing much happens. Also, he raises a The Wire-esque question: What's the difference between the two sides? They both operate in essentially the same manner. What really separates the "good guys" from the "bad guys"? Anyway, if you haven't seen it yet, I'd recommend checking it out.

In two days, I'm finally seeing The Gaslight Anthem live. Can't wait. In the mean time, I'm going to continue debating who to see on Saturday night.

Happy Columbus Day! I got on Facebook today to ask if anyone wanted to go see Joe Rogan at Comedy Works in Denver this weekend, and here’s what I saw as a few of my friends’ statuses:
---
"The cruel policy initiated by Columbus and pursued by his successors resulted in complete genocide." Samuel Eliot Morison, from 'Christopher Columbus, Mariner'
Happy Columbus Day!

happy american genocide day everyone!

"They were well-built, with good bodies and handsome features.... They do not bear arms...They would make fine servants.... With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want." - Columbus
---
Yes, it’s so fucking indie and counter-culture to hate on Christopher Columbus. How could he come over here and, in the mindset of every single person in the world during that time period, have thought these people would make good slaves? How could he start a wave of massacres that would result in the entire genocide of a people? Well folks, let’s have a little trip back in history.

Dateline: Any time in history
Location: Any place in history
Events: People went exploring, found a place they’d like to live, killed the people who lived there originally, and lived there

Well, wasn’t that fun? I’m sorry to say it, but that’s how the entire human race has expanded around the globe. I assume that the only reason everyone who’s up in arms about Columbus Day hasn’t moved back to the Old World to live in squalor is because they haven’t saved enough money to get a plane ticket. I guess they’re too busy spending their money on patchouli and hemp products to actually follow through on their empty stances. But man it must get you a lot of respect in the “Look at how fucking ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT we are!” crew that was born out of Conifer High School. I was listening to punk rock and fucking the man (wait…) long before these losers heard a song that wasn’t on the radio. Ah but I digress.

There are plenty of causes out there today that are worth fighting for: Legalizing marijuana, legalizing gay marriage, keeping abortions legal, fixing healthcare, etc. It’s so easy to say “Columbus was a murderer,” but he wasn’t. He was an explorer in the 1600’s. This is what they did. They explored. They conquered new places to expand their country’s reach. Generally conquering places involves violence. It’s like saying Columbus was an idiot because he couldn’t use a computer. Taking your 20th century viewpoints and applying it to things that happened 400 years ago is anachronistic and wrong. It’s like being against slavery at this point. It’s the easiest way to make yourself feel important.

So, people who protest Columbus Day, I challenge you to back up your stances. If you hate him so much, leave this land that he discovered. And yes, he discovered it, despite the fact that people lived here already. Trace your ancestry back to before you came here, go back to that country, live the life there. It might also interest you to look up the history of said country, because I bet you’ll find that at some point your ancestors came to that country, killed who or whatever lived there to begin with, and claimed it as their own. Get off your high horse, stop acting like you give a flying fuck about Native Americans, and please put an end to this bullshit mutual masturbation you all are so fond of doing, bloviating about all kinds of easy issues that you don’t have to do anything to support.

Happy Christopher Columbus Day, to everyone who thanks God or fate or whatever else every day that they get to live here instead of fucking Slovakia.

Sorry Slovakia.

Let's have some fun! I just watched Wednesday's episode of The Colbert Report. Stephen mentioned a website I'd not heard of before: Conservapedia. It's like Wikipedia, but with a conservative slant. If you have anything that can inoculate you against bitterness and stupidity, now would be the time to administer a dosage.

The Daily Show purports to be a satirical program that airs on cable network Comedy Central. It is known for catering to an audience of public school teenagers, more than 60% of whom, a study of one school district found, watch television for over three hours a day. Liberals have recognized the leftist slant of the show by giving it a Peabody Award and nine Emmys.

It's now thirteen Emmys, by the way. Anyway, that one entry contains a slew of fun links.

Public schools in the United States are liberal and atheistic government institutions that employ 3 million people and spend $411.5 billion annually at a cost of $10,770 per student. Spoken prayer, the Ten Commandments, and sharing of faith are expressly forbidden in public schools' classrooms during school hours, and teaching of morality is implicitly disfavored. Homosexual indoctrination is common as early as elementary school in more liberal states.

A liberal (also leftist) is someone who rejects logical and biblical standards, often for self-centered reasons. There are no coherent liberal standards; often a liberal is merely someone who craves attention, and who uses many words to say nothing.

An Emmy Award is an award given ostensibly for excellence in television programming production.

Comedy Central is a left-slanting cable and satellite television channel which draws a large portion of its viewership from adolescents, such as the average public school student (who watches more than three hours of television daily). Comedy Central features adult cartoons, including South Park, and dim-witted liberal programs including The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert.

And, just for the hell of it...

Barack Hussein Obama II aka Barry Soetoro (allegedly born in Honolulu Aug. 4, 1961) is the 44th President of the United States, and previously served as a first-term Democratic Senator from Illinois (2005-2008). Obama and his running mate Senator Joseph Biden won the presidential election after 23 months of campaigning that spent over $700 million, much of it raised from undisclosed or fraudulent donors. Obama spent far more per vote than McCain did: Obama spent $7.39 per vote, while McCain spent only $5.78 per vote. ... The Association of American Physicians and Surgeons observed that Obama used techniques of mind control in his campaign, as in this speech: "a light will shine down from somewhere, it will light upon you, you will experience an epiphany, and you will say to yourself, 'I have to vote for Barack.'"

Ah, fun.

Quick! Or relatively-soonish: Next Saturday, the 17th, presents a conflict that I need help resolving. See, on the 17th, both The Avett Brothers and Lucero are playing in New York, but at different locations. I've never seen The Avett Brothers live, and I'd love to go, but the tickets are $30. Ouch. Lucero I have seen live (though, it was a while ago and only that one time), but their tickets are only $17. So, Adam, which show would you go to? Are The Avett Brothers so amazingly awesome live that it's worth the $30? Or should I go with good ol' Lucero? (I haven't listened to their new album, but I've ordered it.)

Speaking of The Avett Brothers, I think Adam summed up their new album very well. I've listened to it about five or six times already, and I like it more and more with each spin. I'm still a little dismayed that there isn't a straight-up rocker like "Colorshow" or "Will You Return?," but it's definitely a solid album. "Kick Drum Heart" comes close, as does "Slight Figure of Speech," but they don't achieve that same level of catchiness and pure raw emotion that embodies "Colorshow." However, they've always done a good job with the slower songs, and this time around is no exception. "Ill with Want," "The Perfect Space," and "It Goes on and On" (okay, not really a slow song, but still) are my favorite tracks from the album. But it's all good, really, so check it out. Oh, and the lyrics -- "Something has me acting like someone I don't wanna be... /A need for something, let me break it down again. / A need for something, but not more medicine." "I wanna have friends that I can trust, that love me for the man I've become, not the man that I was... / I wanna grow old without the pain, give my body back to the earth and not complain." -- nice.

Other new music: Saxon Shore released their follow up to the superb "The Exquisite Death of Saxon Shore." The new album is called "It Doesn't Matter" and -- bad pun alert -- it does matter, because this album is amazing. I honestly think it's usurped "Exquisite Death" as my favorite album by them -- not an easy feat. They just know how to make catchy, catchy instrumental music that doesn't get boring. And, actually, one of the songs has lyrics, so it's a big departure for them. It's my least favorite track on the album, coincidentally, but it's still good. So yeah, if you want to help a true independent artist, you'll go to their MySpace page and order it. I'd suggest listening to the tracks "Thanks for Being Away" and "Nothing Changes." "This Place" is the one with vocals, so it's not a fair representation of the album.

Christopher O'Riley. This is old, seeing as how I saw him in concert a month and a half ago, but whatever. His new album, "Out of My Hands," is good. It's a bit uneven, but it's still very strong. Anyway, I got him to sign my CD and everything, so I kind of like it more because of that. He's left-handed, by the way. None of this is describing the music, though. This time around, rather than focusing on a single artist (Radiohead, Elliott Smith, or Nick Drake), he does solo-piano covers of a bunch of artists: Tori Amos (great cover of "Mother"), Kurt Cobain ("Heart-Shaped Box"), Elliott Smith ("New Disaster"), Radiohead ("All I Need" and "Videotape"), R.E.M. ("World Leader Pretend"), Pink Floyd ("Us and Them") The Smiths ("Asleep"), and a few more that I can't really remember. Your enjoyment of the covers is pretty much contingent on your enjoyment of the originals -- in this case, I like those songs; thus, I like the covers. As I said, it is uneven -- some songs get lost in the mix -- but it's still an enjoyable record.

Seriously, though, which show should I go to?

Let's talk about music.

House is an incredible show, I've found out. I've plowed through the first four seasons now and while watching the stellar season finale, Iron and Wine's "Our Endless Numbered Days" played. That song is the best song on the album it lends its title to. I forget sometimes about Iron and Wine. Amazing voice, Sam Beam has. Our Endless Numbered Days is pretty much unquestionably the best material he's put out, because the earlier stuff was too low-fi, and while The Shepherd's Dog was FANTASTIC going to sleep music, it only had a song or two that hearkened back to the days of a man and his guitar. The retrospective Around the Well is a great double disc, the first being material that came out in the early, low-fi days, and the second (better) disc being OEND and TSD material. But what I really want to mention here is that on the (flawless) EP for his (incredible) cover of Such Great Heights, there's a little seven minute ditty called The Trapeze Swinger. It's the single best song Beam has made to date, and the stripped down version on the EP is superior to the over produced number on Around the Well.

Lucero's new album is so goddamned good. It's the most feel-good album of theirs they've ever done. Every song oozes sunshine. Honestly, I'm still on the fence about the band moving from a four piece to a six-or-more piece with the addition of a keyboardist, slide guitar player, and horns. The crushing guitar solos of old are gone, replaced by better all-around songs. The first song, "Smoke," is simply one of the best songs they've ever written, and it goes on from there. "Darken My Door," "Can't Feel A Thing," and "Goodbye Again" are beautiful, and rockers "Sounds of the City," "The Devil and Maggie Chascarillo," and "Halfway Wrong" will have your little alt-country ass shaking. If you have any interest in rock music, this is an essential album.

Finally, The Avett Brothers' new album finally got here today. My little bluegrass rockers have finally released their first major label album, and it's a fucking heartbreakingly beautiful piece of music. But where hast thou gone, banjo? Where hast thou gone, rockers? But hello piano, you fit right in here. Hello full drum set. Those angelic harmonies return with gorgeous production, and the achingly honest lyrics are as good as ever, if not a little darker than I've come to expect. It's funny to see the difference between when a band like this hits the big stage and a punk band goes major label. Punk fans get MAD when one of their babies tries to make money doing what they do for a living. The Avett Brothers' fans all express the same emotion: Thank you for the music you've made that I feel like was just for me. It's sad that I have to share you with everyone else now, but you deserve it. And they do. This album isn't going to hit the radio, but for people who love real, honest music, it's going to be fucking epic.

Hello. It's been a while. I was down in Virginia this past weekend to see my sister's play at VCU. Friday night, I slept in my old house. Although I knew my mom and Fred had started preparing the house to sell, I didn't quite realize just how far along they were. I walked in and the living room didn't have any carpet. The kitchen counters were stripped. The only piece of furniture in the entire house was the bed I slept in. Have you ever stayed in an unfurnished house? It's creepy.

I've started rewatching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. If you've enjoyed this blog's high level of discourse re: the news, you'd probably enjoy this show. Aaron Sorkin knows how to write.

If you want a complete mind-fuck of a read, I would suggest Roland Barthes' S/Z. It is simultaneously the most frustrating piece of literary theory I've ever read and the most intriguing. Maybe it's intriguing because I don't fully understand it. But it's crazy.

Can Toby Keith stop making music? That'd make me happy.

Last Thursday I saw this headline on CNN:
“If a third of people wind up catching swine flu, 15 states could run out of hospital beds around the time the outbreak peaks, a new report warns Thursday.”

Terrifying! The fear I felt caused me to create these horrifying, equally likely headlines:

-If a meteor crashes into earth, hospitals in several countries could be busy, a new report warns Thursday.

-If Jesus Christ comes back and raptures the worthy, there will be several hundred fewer people on Earth, a new report warns Thursday.

-If you are happy and you know it, clap your hands, OR ELSE, a new report warns Thursday.

-If people listen to the ridiculous media coverage of swine flu, people could freak out about a virus that is no worse than the normal flu and write ridiculous reports, a new report warns Thursday.

-If everyone in the world stops having sex for no reason, the human race could die out within a generation, a new report warns Thursday.

Watch out for the swine flu! If we all die, we'll ALL BE DEAD! Good luck sleeping tonight!

Back from Bisbee, AZ again. Let's do this.

I'd like to say a brief word about Brian's second topic from a couple posts down. How disgusting is it that an inner city honor roll student was beaten to death for either A)Not joining a gang, or B)Being in the middle of a gang fight. Either way, they should take the guys who did that into the middle of their gang's territory, put them up on a platform, announce with bullhorns that this is happening, and shoot all three of them in the head. Maybe that will get some of these fucking morons who think this is a viable way of living to reconsider.

So now I guess it's going to be Kate Plus 8. Anyone want to put in for my pool of how many of these kids are going to end up fucked up by the time they're 18? My guess? Eight. When did TV and real life become interchangeable and how can we change it back? These are three of the top 10 stories on CNN right now:

6. Was John Gosselin trying to get fired?
7. [Spencer] Pratt and [Heidi] Montag "Barely Having Sex"
10. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel Still On

First of all, I wish I didn't know who "Pratt and Montag" from the above were, but unfortunately I do. They're from The Hills, a show which has taken snobby rich southern California people and made them feel better about themselves than they already do, which is totally unnecessary. Second, here are my responses to the above.

6. Who cares?
7. Who cares?
10. Who cares?

I don't have a ton of stuff going on in my life at the moment, but I still can't be bothered to care what these people are up to. I'd rather sit here and watch terrible new Fall shows on Hulu with no friends or anyone to talk to than give a shit about what these people do. FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE JUST PEOPLE. They have jobs that people can see. They are no better or worse (probably they are worse) than you or me. No one should care who they date, who they sleep with, what their kids look like, what their kids are named, what they drink, where they eat, where they party, what they drive, where they shop, etc. Have you ever seen the show TMZ? Watch it for more than ten seconds and you'll find yourself waking up covered in blood in an alley smelling like gasoline. The other "celeb watch" shows on TV are just as bad.

The problem is, as evidenced by three of the top ten stories on CNN being about these people, that people actually watch and read this shit. How pathetic are our lives if we derive any sort of feeling from looking at pictures of Ashlee Simpson shopping in Malibu? Sure, John and Kate have eight kids, but does anyone care? John is a douche and a bad father like half the dads out there, and Kate is a self absorbed, plastic bitch more concerned with her fame than raising her kids. And we pay them to be like that! These kids are going to be pregnant and on drugs before they can drive if we keep doing this. And then you know what will happen? We'll marvel at the train wrecks they turned into. How could those precious little angels turn into these drug addled messes? Maybe it's because they weren't allowed to have a childhood outside of the TV because WE watched them. Maybe it's because every step they take, even after their 15 minutes of fame are over, we'll be watching, scrutinizing, judging, like they're circus freaks. They'll never have a chance to live normal lives, and the people who will be saying "How could this happen?" will be the people who caused it to happen. Read this in ten years and see if I'm wrong. In the meantime, STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES AND LIVE YOUR OWN.

And now Adam Presents: New Fall TV Show Reviews
1. Flashforward - Interesting premise, sloppy execution. No need to put an entire season worth of stuff in your pilot! You have at least a few episodes before you get cancelled.

2. Community - Great pilot, mediocre second episode. I'd basically go gay for Joel McHale. We'll see.

3. Modern Family - It's like an indie movie for mainstream TV watchers! Not as groudbreakingly, mind-numbingly awesome as it's made out to be, but it's good to see Al Bundy again and Sofia Vergara is ridiculously hot.

4. Glee - More like GAY-lee. Copyright 2009, Adam Jones, TIT Productions. Side note, did you realize that our acronym is TIT? I didn't.

5. Cougar Town - This may make me less of a man, and I really do hate part of myself for saying it, but the pilot made me laugh loud, and multiple times. Terrible name though, no getting around that.

6. Whatever that new show is after How I Met Your Mother - Sucks. That Dharma from Dharma and Greg should really get out of the entertainment business.

7. How I Met Your Mother - Not a new show, but still the best sitcom on TV.

And finally, in music news, the new Avett Brothers CD "I and Love and You" is on its way to me finally, and so is Lucero's new one. Shitchyeah.

And finally again, I saw my old friend Adam Buehler in DIA when I was going to Bisbee. Small world. He said he'd check this out. Hey Adam!

And finally

Okay, okay. One more bit about the news/pop culture and then I'll get off my soapbox for a couple days. (No promises.) Can someone tell me what the hell is going on with this whole Jon and Kate Plus 8 business? And why we're supposed to care so much? They announced on their show that they were getting a divorce? Seriously? They're complaining -- I presume, because I would, if I were in their situation -- that they don't have enough privacy, that they're constantly under scrutiny, yet they announced their divorce on their own TV show? What?

But okay, whatever. Let that be the end of it. They're no longer a couple, so that's the end of the show, right? No, apparently not. Because, according to the CNN article, (and pay attention to the phrasing, because that's the kicker) "TLC says Jon is being dropped from 'Jon and Kate Plus 8.'" He's being dropped? Passive voice aside, yeah, it's a TV show, but, more importantly, it's these people's lives. You can't drop people from their existence. You can choose not to film him when he's with the family. But you don't just drop people. That's fucking low.

I know this is an issue of semantics, but come on. Those are some strong words. And I don't know who this guy is. He's probably a toolbag, but still. This whole show, this whole situation, is completely dehumanizing. You're saying he's not a living, breathing person, but some guy who appears on TV every once in a while, waves, and gets cheers from the studio audience. That's not how it works. People shouldn't be second to their character.

Here's the kicker, though. This is the line I read that sent me into a tiff: "Jon Gosselin is scheduled to appear on CNN's 'Larry King Live' on Thursday to discuss his reduced role on the TLC show." Reduced role? Again, this isn't a part for him. He's not an actor. This is his life.

Postscript: The President of TLC, Eileen O'Neill, has some absolutely disgusting quotes in the article. Here, read these, then convince me that O'Neill is a person, a human being composed of empathy and reason and all those other faculties one associates with members of the human race:

"Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family."

"The family has evolved, and we are attempting to evolve with it," O'Neill said. "We feel that Kate's journey really resonates with our viewers. Additionally, the network is in development on a Kate project for 2010."

Just let it end.

I saw Brief Interviews with Hideous Men today. I don't quite know what to think. I liked it, but it wasn't super amazing or anything. However, I think it's one of those movies that might stick with me for a little while, as I try to figure it out. So who knows. What I do know is that the previews they show at the IFC Center are way different from your normal United Artist/AMC movie theaters' trailers. This was a welcomed change of pace, even if it only served to accentuate my utter ignorance of independent cinema (and documentaries, in particular).

All right, time to get serious (and angry). Two "That's Fucked-Up" stories in the news recently: A Facebook poll asking whether President Obama should be killed and the three (four?) guys who killed a fellow student in Chicago.

First, the Facebook poll. The question is blunt enough. The four answer choices? "No," "Maybe," "Yes," and "Yes, if he cuts my health care." As if this weren't fucking embarrassing enough, we have to throw the whole health care debate into this? People -- stupid, ignorant, fucking idiot people who make polls like this -- listen up: You're stupid, ignorant, and a fucking idiot. What the fuck kind of sense would it make for the president to cut your health care? If you already have health care and you're happy with it, then you're set! No one's going to touch it! How many times do we have to fucking go over this? Honestly. This is for the eighty million (I made that up, but it sounds right) people who don't have health insurance, who can't afford the lovely plans and doctors and medication that you have, who have to foreclose their homes or their apartments or their trailers to pay for the debt accumulated from massive medical bills in the unfortunate instance that, god forbid, something bad happens to them -- something they certainly didn't ask for/care for, mind you -- and they're only trying their best to fucking sustain the people they love. What the fuck is wrong with helping them out? Who cares if they're productive members of society -- are we that fucking callous that we don't care whether or not a human-fucking-being dies? Why? Why should some people live and some people die? No one -- not the successful people, and certainly not the poor and uninsured people -- asked to be born into this world. No one elected their existence. We're just created without any say in the matter, hurled into this life and expected to just deal. And not everyone has the same privileges, the same opportunities, the same comfortable life that you and I had. We're the lucky ones. Seems like the least we can do is pay a little bit more in taxes -- from the jobs that we're lucky enough to have -- to help other people out. But the absolute stupidest fucking idea I've ever heard is thinking the President of the United States should be killed because of this. Goddamn. You make me ashamed to be part of the human race.

I didn't even talk about the other story. Senseless, meaningless death. Awful...

But, oh, right. What should we talk about instead? Roman Polanski? Khloe Kardashian? This Stephen Colbert dog? Please...

Happy 100th post! Triple digits -- I think some self-congratulation is in order. So, first off, thanks to Adam for resurrecting this crazy old blog. I'm still not sure what inspired you, exactly, to give it another go, but I'm glad that you did. And thanks for letting me jump back on board. I've had a great time.

Also, thank you. That's you. The person reading these words. Most the time I'm just here to amuse myself, but I like to think that there are other people out there who also read this and smile.

That's the good news. The bad? I totally psyched myself up to bring my situation with the Beatles'-song-title girl to a point tonight, but my professor interfered with my plans. Seriously, what the hell? Here's the scoop: My stories got workshopped tonight. On my way out, as I was about to strike up the usual post-class talk with this girl, my professor started calling my name. Apparently, she sets up post-workshop meetings with everyone, so we had to figure out logistics. This, of course, set me back a good minute, minute and a half. By which point, when I exited the building, B-s-t girl had already left. Can you believe that shit? And yes, I've resisted the urge several times already to just email her and ask.

Anyway, 100 posts in the past 8 months. Nice. That works out to, what, an average of 44.333333 posts per month? Thank you! I call that bit "The English-Major Attempts Mental Math."

Fucking Colorado fucking snow in fucking late-middle September.

Here's a conversation from work today:

[2:37:02 PM] Kelly: wow, here's a new profession: Laser hair removal technician

[2:38:46 PM] Adam Jones: does laser hair removal make the hair blow up? that sounds pretty cool

[2:39:37 PM] Kelly: that would be cool

[2:39:45 PM] Kelly: but no, it doesn't

[2:40:49 PM] Kelly: oh man if it was like that space ship game from the 80s/early 90s where it beeped with every move and had a lame blowing up noise when you shot an alien space ship....THAT would be awesome

[2:43:11 PM] Adam Jones: yeah it would. i'd have some serious hairs removed laserly if that were the case

[2:43:49 PM] Kelly: i would just be a laser hair technician cuz then you get to work the machine that makes those noises

[2:44:07 PM] Kelly: besides i wouldn't want to remove more hair if i were you

[2:45:22 PM] Adam Jones: it'd be cool if your removed the hairs by playing that game. like your computer showed a space ship and you just moved left and right shooting hairs off of people

[2:45:32 PM] Adam Jones: that'd be cool unless it was ass hair, then it would be gross

[2:46:36 PM] Kelly: "captain, there is a dark crater approaching, i fear for our lives and WHAT is that smell?"

[2:46:52 PM] Kelly: that's a conversation between the little people who would be in the ship

[2:47:36 PM] Adam Jones: ha gross. butts are gross.

[2:47:47 PM] Kelly: butts are gross

[2:47:58 PM] Adam Jones: that was fucking enlightening conversation

[2:49:17 PM] Kelly: best one i've had all day
---

I hope you're all as amused by these as I am. Hey, any of you loyal readers have Skype? You should let me know because I am always looking for more people to have stupid conversations with at work.

Sunday I fly back to good ol' Bisbee, AZ. Don't worry, there won't be another travelogue or whatever. I think I pretty much covered it all last time I was there. Plus, pictures of me only serve to remind me of how much weight I need to lose.

I have started writing the novel that will define my life and give meaning to a generation of lost souls. I will probably get about one and a half pages of it written before I give up on it, because that's usually how these generation-defining novels I write go. But I'm actually working up a loose outline, hitting some plot points, defining a cast of characters, etc. so maybe this one will make it to a recently-unheard-of three pages.

If anyone has a good way for me to make a million dollars quickly, please let me know. Otherwise, I'll talk to you next time.

This weekend, John Kra-why-can't-I-ever-remember-his-last-name-but-he's-the-guy-in-the-American-version-of-The-Office is screening Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, his writing/directing debut. Of note: Brief Interviews is an adaptation of a David Foster Wallace short-story collection. The movie is showing at the IFC Center in Manhattan. This seems like a cool thing to go to. However, I'd like to finish reading Brief Interviews by the time I see the movie. And that just doesn't seem very likely. But we'll see.

The Daily Show won two more Emmy awards on Sunday. I'd really love to be able to write with them. Like, really.

I drank red wine straight from the bottle last night. That sounds a lot more edgy and cool without an explanation. (Really, it was because people were cleaning up a reception that had followed a fiction reading, and they wanted to get rid of the wine. There were maybe three swigs, that's it. I said I didn't have a glass. They said I should drink it from the bottle. And so I got peer-pressured into finishing the red wine.)

Also, I forgot to mention it, but, at the Weakerthans show, I bought this neat poster designed by Nat Damm. (I don't know the name, either, but he does cool silk-screen posters of bands on tour.) Check it out:

I've been slowly catching up on episodes of "Michael and Michael Have Issues." It's okay. Has its moments, for sure, but others sort of drag or don't go anywhere. Anyway, in the episode I just watched, Michael Ian Black said that he needed to Google himself. I realized that this is something I've never done before. So I went ahead and searched for my name, and there are some pretty hilarious results. Among my many selves, I'm:

• a financial self-help author ("The Hidden Secret In Think And Grow Rich" [That's not a typo. That's actually what the book is called.] and "How To Finally Find What You Love To Do And Get Paid For It.")
• a pianist/composer (of course!)
• an NBA player
  
• some dude with a weird Tumblr blog
• a guy with a Windows Live account whose avatar is wearing a hat with a rainbow on it
• a photographer with a 1999-era website
• according to my Twitter, a "Creative director. Motion designer. NorCal transplant. Giants fan."
• the author of another blogspot blog (Honestly, who would have multiple blogs? That's just needlessly self-indulgent.)
• and, finally, a persistent rock-climber. (This one is actually kind of cool.)

The Weakerthans put on a fantastic show last night. They played, in no particular order: "Night Windows," "Reconstruction Site," "Benediction," "Tournament of Hearts," "Our Retired Explorer," "Relative Surplus Value," "One Great City," "Sounds Familiar," "Bigfoot," "Plea from a Cat Named Virtute," "Aside," "The Reasons," "Left and Leaving," "Elegy for Elsabet," "(Manifest)," and "Wellington's Wednesday." Encore #1: "Utilities," "Civil Twilight," and "Pamphleteer." Encore #2: "Confessions of a Futon Revolutionist" and "Psalm for the Elks Lodge Last Call." A great set, for sure, though I miss the days of them playing their older slower songs, such as "None of the Above," "Everything Must Go," and "Without Mythologies." (I can only recall hearing them play those songs once, and that was the very first time I saw them live, back in 2002-ish.) Noticeably absent: "Watermark." And I've given up on them playing "This Is a Firedoor," since they haven't played that the past couple times I've seen them. However, "Elegy" and "Sounds Familiar" were both nice surprises. Also, the new slide-guitar solo that Stephen Carroll added to "Pamphleteer" makes the song even more unbelievably awesome. Makes me wish they'd re-record it so everyone could hear.

Damn you, Marcel Proust! (I realize apostrophe directed to a late 19th-century/early 20th-century French writer is not the norm in the blog-o-world, but tough. This is the Irreverent Times, and we do whatever we blah blah blah blah. We do it proudly, and we do it lazily.)

Everywhere I turn (hate that cliche), love is in the air (also hate that cliche). But really, what I'm trying to say is: emotions are running wild (ugh) and we can't handle the truth (just stop).

Hold the phone. Can I get a redo?

I, too, have had similar thoughts to some of Adam's easy-to-reference numerical ponderings. So, just this once (second time), I'm going to harness the power of self-indulgence: Simply put, there's a girl in one of my classes that I like. In order to be purposefully oblique, her name is in the title of a Beatles song. (Hint: It's not Eleanor, since this isn't 1915.) Anyway, I just wish things were easier, that's all. Easier to tell what the situation is. Easier to do something about it. It's similar to my thoughts on literary criticism: depending on which mindset I choose to adopt, I can find evidence to support my position. On a good day, I can hype myself up. On a not-so-good day, all I can tell myself is that someone that pretty must surely have a boyfriend. Or, if she doesn't, why would she be interested in me? But really, I'm just making a huge deal out of nothing, because nothing is all that's happened, and nothing is all that will happen until I decide to do something. Which will hopefully be sooner rather than later.

And maybe all this inaction and doubt is unfounded, based upon a lack of self-confidence. Maybe this entry will seem silly and ridiculous in a couple weeks, if things go my way. But something tells me it won't.

Which is where Proust comes into play. A bit of advice for the women out there: if you're with a literary-type guy (or girl!), and he (or she!) claims that his (or her!) favorite writer is Proust, get out. Although Proust can craft some wonderfully beautiful sentences and make some stunningly insightful observations, he's also a big ol' pessimist. Great art comes from suffering. Love should be suffering. Pleasure equals pain and pain equals pleasure. Let's get this guy some Zoloft already, for real.

But the fact is, he seems to be right about so many other things that it makes me wonder if he's not on to something after all... I don't want to believe that we fall in love with people we know we can't have. I don't want to believe that we build an archetype for love so that, with each new endeavor, we're only trying to recapture that initial element or experience or whatever it was that made us first fall in love. I don't want to believe that we're blind to our own persona, that we don't really know who we are, that only other people can truly see us for ourselves. But I don't know.

Damn you, Proust.

You are now exiting this time warp from a 2004-mentality. You'll resume with a present day-mentality next time.


Edit at 2:33PM: In the first part of this entry, I was going to add a half-joking rant about how single people should wear a ring on their right hand, married people should wear a ring on their left hand, and people in a relationship shouldn't wear a ring at all. But then I realized: Why should I feel ashamed of asking her to do something, even if she has a boyfriend? Why should I feel ashamed for thinking she's cool, cooler than most other people I've met in a long while, and that I'd like to spend more time getting to know her? Seriously, where's the harm in that?

There. There's your present day-mentality. Told you it'd come back.

I'm halfway through it, and I haven't seen any other new shows, but Community is the best new show on TV. Fact.

These are the topics running through my mind recently:

1. We can all assume now that there is a God, and his name is Beatles Rock Band

2. If I could force myself to be attracted to men, I'd do it, because women suck

3. Listening to loud music in bed in the dark is the best thing ever, and can only be enhanced illegally

4. I want to write something but I don't know what

5. I love tapas but I hate spending $50 on dinner

6. I sometimes feel like I'm at the verge of some kind of break. Breakthrough. Breakdown. I can't tell which

7. I'm very grateful to have the friends I have

8. I like living alone, but it is finally starting to feel lonely

9. I really would like someone to take a look at this blog and then give Brian and me money to write for them

10. I wish politicians would go away and that we could live together in anarchy

I'm not one easily scared by bugs or spiders. I don't like them, but, if the situation arises, I can swoop in, get things back to order, and we don't have to break out eight feet of gauze. (Wait a second...) But here's something that does scare me: taking a shower (an activity which I do almost entirely with my eyes shut, as to avoid getting shampoo in my eye -- that shit hurts!), turning off the water, opening my eyes, and seeing a spider dangling right above my head. This, I think we can all agree, is an unpleasant surprise.

I've had questions (two [which technically allows the use of the plural]) about my classes. So now I will discuss classes. (Great transition!) Tuesday night is Literary Criticisms night. A mandatory class that I was dreading going in, it's probably my favorite course this semester. The professor doesn't structure class as a lecture, but as an open-forum group discussion. It's kind of like what Ben and I did in the kitchen of our old apartment, except this time I'm getting a grade and I have to write formal papers.

Wednesday night is Fiction Workshop night. My professor is very enthusiastic and accepting of all sorts of ideas, which is good news for me. Fun fact! One of the other MFA students in class is an ex-fire fighter who was one of the first responders to the World Trade Center on September 11th. Guess what he wrote his story about? Uh huh. It was incredibly powerful, but damn. Hard to follow that up with anything that seems remotely significant in light of his personal experience.

Thursday night is "Post-modern Fiction." The reading is questionably post-modern. More like unique ways of telling stories. And it's almost entirely fiction from outside of the United States. It's interesting, and we discuss some good points, but the professor could really benefit from some methamphetamine. I think illicit psycho-stimulants is the missing ingredient from this class. Or maybe just coffee.

There you have it. The US Open is winding down. Nadal is currently playing Del Potro in the men's semi. He's not doing so well -- down two sets to love. Things aren't looking good for him, unfortunately. But it's okay, because The Beatles: Rock Band is still amazing. (Huh?)

The Beatles: Rock Band is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Well, Obama's speech has come and gone and it was every bit as controversial as the right wing radio hosts expected it to be. Personally, I'm wondering how Brian got an exact transcript of the speech before it was ever spoken. I think this sums it up pretty well. From a CNN article:

"There is no excuse for not trying," he told students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia.

"This isn't just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you're learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future."

And this is what this lady had to say about the speech before she ever heard it. I think it's funnier if you imagine this is what she still thinks. I think this actually is probably what she still thinks:

"Thinking about my kids in school having to listen to that just really upsets me," suburban Colorado mother Shanneen Barron told CNN Denver affiliate KMGH last week.

"I'm an American. They are Americans, and I don't feel that's OK. I feel very scared to be in this country with our leadership right now."

You know, I feel very scared to be in this country too. At this point we're all worse off than 95% of the world, starving and rioting in the streets. Killing others for a piece of bread. Our children have been sold into sex slavery. Our mothers have been sold into steel mill slavery. Our fathers have been castrated and now their only purpose is to serve the Queen. I don't know about you, but I'm this close to resorting to cannibalism. If only we had elected President Palin, we'd all be filthy rich (except for the poor, but fuck them, right? right?), the deficit would have been erased, and we'd all be loaded up with guns to take on the no crime that existed. All drugs would be illegal, all abortions would be illegal, all pre-marital sex would be illegal, atheism would be illegal, gay marriage would be punishable by death, and we'd all be way, way better off. In fact, the prospect of having to spend the next three years in this country scares me so much, I think everyone else should leave. I'll stay here to hold up the rapidly collapsing ashes of this country long enough for you all to leave. You can thank me later, when you're living in whatever country you seem to think is more conservative than this one. Godspeed.

In just fifteen minutes, President Obama is going to give his "controversial" speech to students across the country. As longtime readers of this blog know, I'm pretty much a muckraker. A yellow journalist. A third 20th-century profession that now seems obsolete. So, with that in mind, I present to you...

How the Conservative Opposition Envisions President Obama’s Speech to Public School Children

To all the girls and boys across the country: good morning. Today, on what is, for many schools, the first day of the academic year, I would like to take a few moments to talk to you about the importance of hard work and determination. When I was a child (living in Hawaii without a proper birth-certificate), my mother instilled in me several core values. She taught me that, in order for me to be successful, I would always have to work hard. She taught me that, in order for me to feel satisfied, I would always have to persevere. And she also taught me that welfare and universal health care are necessary parts of life and you’d be silly to argue otherwise.

Year after year, we here in Washington D.C. struggle to find ways to keep students in school. The fact is, the drop-out rate in this country is staggeringly high. So let's talk candidly about a few reasons why. First, drugs. Obviously, you shouldn’t do them. Drugs will negatively affect your way of thinking, they’ll consume your life, and they’ll make you a bad, bad person. But hey, who am I to speak? I’ve tried marijuana, and look where I am. Not too bad, huh? The harder stuff, though – your cocaine, your ecstasy, your heroin – try to stay away from that. Unless you’re only trying it once because you’re curious. Then it’s okay.

Or maybe you already have a job, stocking groceries for minimum wage five nights a week. Sure, it seems great now, but, eventually, I'm going to collect every single penny you earn. That’s right, I’m saying it here and now: I’m raising income taxes. And not only income taxes, but also property taxes and so-called “death taxes.” If it has the word “tax” in it, you can be sure you’re paying more. Why? Because. Just because. Get used to not getting satisfying answers from authority figures, kids.

Sex. I know it’s on all your minds. And don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about, fifth grade classrooms. Look, just don’t drop out because you can get laid. That’s just stupid. Oh, and I absolutely must mention one thing: condoms. Condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms. I literally cannot say that word enough. Condoms. Use ‘em. And ladies? Come on. The least you can do is offer anal. You don’t have to go through with it, just provide the option. I mean, this is the 21st century.

A few other things I want to mention real quick: I’m banning the Bible and replacing it with the Koran; all guns will become illegal within the next year; and, oh, we’re returning Alaska to Russia. That way Sarah Palin no longer lives in the United States and, if she wants to run for president in 2012, she’ll have to move to a state where it’s not okay to be completely fucking insane.

Good luck with your future studies. Stay in school and work hard. And remember: condoms. I’m out.

Dear Guy Who Lives on My Floor and Smokes Cigarettes in the Fucking Stairwell,

Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but allow me to introduce myself. I'm new around here, and I'm trying to get into shape. I'm taking this opportunity in a new city and a new job to get a new body. Or, more precisely, an old body. The one I had junior year of college. One of the ways I'm doing this is to walk up and down the stairwell every time I come home or leave. Nine flights of stairs a few times a day has already helped me get into better shape. Strangely, I never see anyone else in the stairwell. I guess most people just prefer to wait 15 minutes for an elevator so they can stand in it with 10 other people who waited for the elevator. But that's neither here nor there.

I'm pretty sure that if you want to smoke and you don't have a smoking apartment, you are supposed to go outside, or just smoke in your apartment and pay the fine. If you went out into the hall to avoid smoking in your room, and lit up, I have a feeling there would be some people who had some words that had some four letter in them to say to you. Same if you lit your cigarette up in the elevator. Or if you broke into someone else's apartment and smoked in there. So I really doubt that it's okay to smoke your cigarettes in the stairwell.

Remember when I said I was trying to get into better shape? Well, by the time I get up to the ninth floor, I am breathing pretty heavily. And there, sitting on the ground and lingering in the air, is your cigarette. Lung and mouth cancer may be a part of your long term life plan, but it's not part of mine. So please, go downstairs, go outside, and leave my lungs alone. I may be the only person in this building who uses the stairwell, but I think that actually means I should be rewarded, not punished.

Thanks,
Adam

Boom! Adam mentions us being topical, and I get into topical mode. (And a potential crash, what with the onomatopoeia.) If I still updated my That's Fucked Up blog, this would totally be the next entry.

I've long given up on CNN.com providing useful news. As of late, it's become tabloid-esque sensational stories. But this morning, I found an entertaining (in a sad way) article about Obama's address to school children. Here's the scoop: On Tuesday, the President is going to give a nationally-televised speech to students. He's going to talk about the importance of working hard and staying in school. Cool, sounds good.

There's one other thing. Along with the speech, the Education Department plans/planned to distribute an exercise that originally asked students to discuss "what they can do to help the president." Okay, not the best wording, I agree. But they changed it to how the students can "achieve their short-term and long-term education goals." Regardless of the prompt, the students would write a response, the teachers would collect that response and then return it at a later date. All of this is an effort to get students to feel accountable for their goals. Cool, sounds good.

So, to recap: The President is giving a speech encouraging students not to drop-out of school. And, oh yeah, there might be some assignment tacked on to help them realize their goals. I wonder which of these two points the conservative opposition is going to harp on...

Many conservative parents aren't buying it. They're convinced the president is going to use the opportunity to press a partisan political agenda on impressionable young minds.

"Thinking about my kids in school having to listen to that just really upsets me," suburban Colorado mother Shanneen Barron told CNN Denver affiliate KMGH. "I'm an American. They are Americans, and I don't feel that's OK. I feel very scared to be in this country with our leadership right now."

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, a possible contender for the GOP's 2012 presidential nomination, said Friday the classroom is no place to show a video address from Obama.

"At a minimum it's disruptive. Number two, it's uninvited. And number three, if people would like to hear his message they can, on a voluntary basis, go to YouTube or some other source and get it. I don't think he needs to force it upon the nation's school children," he told reporters at the Minnesota State fair.

Florida GOP Chairman Jim Greer released a statement this week accusing Obama of using taxpayer money to "indoctrinate" children.

"The idea that school children across our nation will be forced to watch the president justify his plans ... is not only infuriating, but goes against beliefs of the majority of Americans, while bypassing American parents through an invasive abuse of power."

You know we here at the Irreverent Times Journal like to be topical, so how about this: How about that health care, huh? Man, it sure would be nice if everyone had free health care. It'd be great because poor people could have health care and you could get sick and you could still have money afterwards. I think that would be great. Everyone could be alive forever! I'd like to give homeless people medicine myself! I also think I'd like unicorns to shit rainbows on my piles and piles of million dollar bills. Free health care for everybody!

And then there's the other side of the argument. Fuck poor people. If those lazy bastards would get off their lazy bastard asses and get a job, maybe they'd have health care. I don't want to have to pay for Johnny No Job Fatass No Exercise Triple Bypass Every Six Months Because He Can't Stop Eating FUCKING Quarter Pounders With Cheese Five Times A Day over there's health care. I run MILES and I eat SALAD and I'm so fucking healthy it makes me sick. Good thing I have health care, huh, you slobbering pile of human dung. I hope you die, which you probably will, because you can't afford health care and that's the way natural selection works.

I love politics.

I have a secret to share with everyone: I'm actually Dan Brown. It's true.

(Funny story I just thought of: The SAT-prep classes I used to teach included a passage on a female writer who used a pseudonym. One of my students raised his hand. "What's a pseudonym?" he asked. "Is that, like, a drug?")

I don't know how they make bananas out in Colorado or, for that matter, wherever you're reading this right now (hey, a callback to one of my other laugh-makers! [That's a term I coined for a joke. (And check it out -- embedded parentheticals! [This is like a greatest hits collection of lame jokes! (Laugh-makers.)])]), but here's how they make them (bananas -- I know, I forgot what I was talking about, too) in DC: I had a rule that I'd only buy two bananas at a time. This is because, while I like bananas, they are not, in fact, "the shit," as Gwen Stefani would have us believe. (I know the song says "this shit," not "the shit." But that song, I think most of us can agree, is just plain ol' "shit.") I appreciate a healthy potassium intake, but, honestly, after two bananas, I'm good for about a week. Thus, if I were to buy three bananas, that third one would, through a natural cycle of ripening, turn into a mushy mess in a matter of days. Now here's how they make bananas in New York: Bananas come bagged in packs of six. And these six bananas are very green and not at all ripe. So I bought a bag of bananas and just let them sit in my kitchen for a good four or five days. By that point, they were only just barely yellow. It's like they're injected with some ripening retardant. This is good because it means that I can probably get through the six bananas without wasting them, but it's bad because I had to just stare at my bananas for close to a week, wondering when I would actually be able to eat them.

The US Open started Monday night. I saw Venus Williams survive her first match, followed by Andy Roddick playing better than he's played in years. It's one thing to watch these matches on TV, but, in person, you can clearly see just how fast they're hitting these balls. I don't understand how every serve isn't an ace. Or, even if you make contact with the ball, how you can return it so that it lands in. Crazy.

Seriously, though: Buy my new book. The one that's got the guy doing the thing that he did in The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons. But, this time, it's totally different and not at all the same. I swear.