Jesus, you know, I was all like "Yeah, I'm totally going to like update this thing like all the time." And now I'm all like "Nah." So sorry. I'm a dirty rotten fucking liar, and you should hate me. But you don't. You love me. And that's cool too.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Seattle that has free wi-fi and I feel like this is what people do in this situation. There's another guy in here on his laptop too but it's facing away from me so I can't see what he's doing. I assume he's Twittering or some shit, so at least I'm way cooler than him. Have I mentioned how much I hate Twitter? I hate Twitter a lot. I hate the word Twitter. I hate that when you do it it's called a "tweet." I hate people who think they need to tell other people what they're doing all the time, and I hate The Man limiting you to 140 characters or whatever (I don't know anything about Twitter). Censorship! This is also the reason I rarely get on Facebook and never update my status. Nobody cares what I'm doing. I hardly care what I'm doing most of the time.

After months of not doing anything exciting with my life, I "went to" three concerts last week. First, with Cam, I went to see Nine Inch Nails at Fiddler's Green. Not bad, and fairly priced ($30ish). What's weird about this concert is that Jane's Addiction (seriously?) played AFTER NIN. Which was actually cool, since Jane's Addiction sucks, the concert was in the middle of the week so I had to get to bed at a somewhat reasonable time, and because of this, we got to leave around 9. NIN played forever and they're pretty decent live. Pretty good setlist too. "Hurt" live outside while the sun was going down was one of the more awesome live music experiences I've had.

Then on Friday we went to Denver to see Lucero and Chuck Ragan. We didn't see them because I'm a moron and didn't buy tickets ahead of time. See, I've seen Lucero live like seven times at this point and they have NEVER sold anything out. But I didn't take into account the fact that it was a Friday night in Denver at a small venue. They were sold out. But, I got some of Cam and Leslie's Famous Home Cooked Bacon Mac and Cheese and some of the most gigantic biscuits that have ever been made. But man, if you ever get the chance to see Lucero live, you should definitely do it. They end every show the same way, by getting EXTREMELY drunk and taking requests, which they only half remember how to play, but it's a really fun time. So yeah, I was pretty bummed about that, but you know, life goes on, and they'll be back.

Saturday was Neko Case, and it was my first time seeing her live, and it was pretty damn cool. Sarai and I went to Efrain's in Lafayette beforehand and I had some pretty delicious fajitas. That was a good start to the night, and then Neko Case put on a really good, and great sounding show, playing pretty much all of her new album (which is awesome, by the way), some choice cuts off of her last album (which is awesome, by the way), and couple from the one before that. Only problem with this show is that we got there like five minutes before the show started and all the good viewing spots were taken. So for the first set, Calexico, we stood getting molested by fat guys in cowboy hats and being behind so many people we couldn't see anything. We spent Neko's set literally all the way in the back of the theater, where at least we could see, but the music was kind of quiet and people were just talking loudly. I don't understand why people pay money to go to a concert and then stand there and talk to their friends over the music the whole time. You can do that for free outside, where other people who paid for the concert aren't trying to listen to the damn show.

Anyway now I'm in Seattle for the first time and it's 85 degrees and sunny as hell. So so far I don't get what all the hoopla about rain all the time is. It's so nice to finally get a vacation from work. I'm going to see a Mariner's game while I'm here, and do other things that you do in Seattle. I don't know what that consists of. So yeah. Sorry this post was so bloggy and not angry ramblings of an insane man about the issues of the day. But you know, that's how it goes, and that's how it shall go today.

Talk to you whenever! Call me!

Well, howdy. It's been a while. Sorry about the lack of updates recently. Not too much new to report, sadly.

I dusted off my old Nintendo Entertainment System earlier this evening. It has been many, many, many years since I've played that thing. I was all eager to boot it up and play, but it took me close to thirty minutes to get the system to work. I wish I were joking. I tried all the tricks from the old days: blowing on the cart, blowing inside the machine, and using a cassette tape case to hold down the cart. That last option finally worked. But man, what a mess.

So I decided to play this game that I'm about 100% sure no one has ever played before, mainly because it's probably illegal. I wish I could ask my dad about the details, but the story goes something along the lines of this: My dad found an ad in the classifieds. It was for "1500 games in 1." Now, circa 1991, 1992, this seemed unfathomable. In fact, it's still a rather ludicrous claim today. So me and my dad went to investigate. It wasn't available in stores -- no, that'd be too legal -- so, instead, we went to the seller's house. Yeah, sketchy, right? But, again, this is 1991/1992, and, as we all know, crime didn't exist in the past. Rape and murder and stealing are only contemporary scourges. So, yeah, it was completely, 100% safe. (Shut up, all you people saying, "But in 1991/1992, that was your present, not the past.") Anyway, we went to the guy's house and he booted up the game for us. Sure enough, there's a menu that says "1500 games in 1." Each screen holds about 50 games. And he showed us a few of them. Paperboy. Tetris. Galaga. Pinball. I was in awe. This game was the motherfucking shit! Of course, a six or seven-year-old Brian wouldn't say that, but I thought whatever the six or seven-year-old equivalent is. And so my dad bought me what is surely a super illegal pirated game of some sort.

I found out later that the "1500 games" part is rather misleading. True, the menu goes from 01 to 1500, however those are not 1500 unique games. There are essentially 50 core games that get recycled. But the variations (sometimes as many as, like, 100 or 200) involve changing the character(s) in the game. So, for instance, Donkey Kong. You get the original. But then you get a version that changes Donkey Kong into a witch and Mario into a turtle. Or Donkey Kong into a devilish thing and Mario into a sexy woman. (As sexy as an 8-bit woman can look, I guess.) Or you get a basic racing game with normal cars. But then you can also race as bubbles. Or saws. Or snowflakes. You get the picture.

Lesson? Pirated shit is a bit of a sham. Still, where else can you witness an epic battle between a barrel-throwing devil and a sexy 8-bit woman?

In my ongoing effort to create bizarre contrasts while cooking: There's a thunderstorm outside and I'm baking cupcakes. Yeah, what?

The tennis season is over. We had an abysmal 2-12 record. Our two wins were against the same school. That school has now lost every single match for three seasons in a row. Ouch.

I finished my science book for March/April, Cosmos. Great, great book. There were numerous instances when I had to stop reading, look up, and just think, "Damn." It blows my mind, thinking about topics as expansive as the universe. And to think that there are people who devote their entire lives to discovering and dissecting such vastness. Also, the full extent of time is boggling. I mean, 14 billion years since the Big Bang? 14 billion years? And each of us is alive for, on average, 60-70 years. 65 years in comparison to 14 billion years. I just can't even conceive of time like that.

Bottom line, check it out. Great book. Now I have to get back to my cupcakes.

My friend Shanif started a new website: www.myownsixwords.com It's pretty cool. I've only made one post, as of now, and it's an English major joke. Look for name: BMK.

My blog posts have been very short recently. Free time became quite a commodity this past week. I preferred to do other things. But I'll be back soon.

I made this mix CD on Easter to celebrate Jesus Our Lord in all His GloRy. PlEase Do enJoy and if yoU want SomeThiNg to Listen to please do Make your own COPy.

1. Neko Case - This Tornado Loves You
2. The Anniversary - The D in Detroit
3. Blueline Medic - Swan Song
4. Boy Sets Fire - My Life in the Knife Trade
5. Tom Gabel - Amputations
6. The Mountain Goats - Sometimes I Still Feel the Bruise
7. Austin Lucas/Chuck Ragan - Sun or Snow
8. Ben Nichols - Toadvine
9. Manchester Orchestra - I Can Feel a Hot One
10. Margot & the Nuclear So and So's - Broadripple is Burning (acoustic)
11. Against Me! - Borne on the FM Waves of the Heart
12. Okkervil River - The President's Dead
13. Joey Cape - Errands
14. Austin Lucas - Go West
15. The Avett Brothers - Swept Away (Sentimental Version)
16. Bon Iver - Skinny Love
17. Iron & Wine - Trapeze Swinger
18. Hot Water Music - Radio

One of God's greatest gifts to man is the USB turntable. Putting records on your computer so you can listen to records on your IPod really makes me feel a lot less like a luddite for liking records and a lot more like hip, cool loser.

Just a few notes to catch up on today, since I've been MIA for the past few weeks. I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick right now, which sucks. But you guys, are you scared shitless of this swine flu? I'm so scared. There have been over 245 people in the country get sick with this thing. TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE! That's practically .0000008% of the population of the country! Head for those nuclear war bunkers we built when we were sure the world was going to be ended by nuclear war with the Russians. Or when we were sure the world was going to be ended by accidental war in the horrifyingly accurate Y2K ordeal. Or when we were sure it was going to be SARS or bird flu or whatever the fuck Christians think is supposed to happen, or whatever the fuck Muslims think is supposed to happen, or whatever the fuck anyone else thinks is supposed to happen. I've got a good feeling about this one though. After all, it's comforting to know that the WHO (not the band) is just as susceptible to crazy fear mongering as the crazy homeless man on the street corner. PANDEMIC!

Anyway, if you're not dead from the swine flue and you're still reading this, I want to wish a happy belated 4/20 to all you filthy pot smoking hippies out there, and I want you to know we're all with you on this legalizing pot thing. We saw how well prohibition worked out back when we tried it on alcohol. I'd say it's working just about as well for weed now. Lots of innocent people in jail, a missed revenue stream by the government, the act of procuring weed much more dangerous than it would be were it legal, the act of smoking whatever crazy shit you got from your dealer a lot more dangerous than it would be were it legal. Yes folks, we're totally winning the war on drugs. Just look at how no one is in jail for doing drugs, no one dies in vicious violence spilling over our borders from Mexico, no one is in rehab, and no one even does them! Isn't it amazing what making something illegal will do? Just like how were we to make abortion illegal, that spike in deaths from botched back alley coathanger abortions would be totally coincidental, because obviously no one would be getting abortions since they'd be illegal! Just like how no one speeds! I love laws, man.

The movie Adventureland surprised me by being the best movie I've seen all year. It was very funny, but above that, a much better movie than I expected, and a much better movie than most comedies. Too bad I have the feeling it slid under a lot of people's radars.

It's also been 10 years since the Columbine killings. Not the first school shooting, not the last. But I remember exactly where I was when I heard about it, and it was one of those moments when your worldview is shattered as a kid. No one is safe anywhere, there is pure evil in the world, and goth kids are whiny little bitches. I still can't look at anyone wearing a trench coat without wondering what the fuck they're thinking.

Cool,t alkt oyo ulate r.

Is it inherently sad or inherently awesome that I'm drinking a glass of wine while making macaroni and cheese for dinner? Either way, it's inherently something.

Seriously, CNN, what the fuck?


So I check CNN.com yesterday afternoon, and this is what I see as the main story. First of all, Bush? Really? Who the hell wrote/edited that headline? And second, the picture has Calderon on the left and Obama on the right, so it'd only make sense for it to read "Calderon and Obama huddle over flu," no? Or, if we're going to go with the U.S.-centric headline of "Obama and Calderon," could we at least change the order of the pictures? Finally, (and this has nothing to do with CNN, but I'm going to rope them into this tirade anyway) Firefox should update its spell-check software. Obama is still considered a typo. I keep getting the red dotted line underneath it, saying, "No, you mean Bush, right?" Maybe the CNN writer/editor is also the one to blame for this spell-check foul-up.

(If you look closely at the picture, you'll notice that the other tab open in my browser is one explaining how to take a screen capture. That's professionalism!)

The list of 25 Albums I Most Enjoy/Enjoy Most concludes:

Alkaline Trio - Maybe I'll Catch Fire: As Adam said, it's a tough call between this album and Infirmary. In the end, I chose Fire because 1)Radio is a damn good song and 2)Oddly enough, it doesn't seem as dark to me, in comparison. This is still a dark album, sure, but it's a lighter dark.

As Tall As Lions - s/t: I knew a kid in high school named Richard Meader. Haven't spoken to him since, but, if I did, I'd thank him for introducing me to three bands: As Tall As Lions, Dredg, and Count the Stars. Count the Stars is a pop-punk band I outgrew by junior year of college. However, As Tall As Lions and Dredg are both pretty fantastic. This self-titled album is not actually their freshman effort, it's their sophomore release. And instead of suffering the sophomore slump, they expand their sound from the first album, morph it into something a bit more 60's-inspired, and leave you with a fun, fun, fun album.

The Ataris - Blue Skies, Broken Hearts... Next 12 Exits: It always kind of bugged me that there were 14 songs on this album, but whatever. Here's an instance where I think The Ataris' End is Forever album is a better album, but Blue Skies is the one I enjoy more. This CD pretty much IS my junior year of high school. Yeah, it made the list purely on sentimental value, but there's no denying that this is some of the best pop-punk ever.

Bad Astronaut - Houston, We Have a Drinking Problem: What to say about this iconic album? It's been a staple on my Top 10/25/whatever CDs list since it first came out. It's not simply punk. It's not simply rock. It's not simply indie. It's just what it is. I was a Joey Cape fan before hearing this, but afterward: damn. The other impressive thing about this album: I had exceedingly high expectations for it. Unrealistically high expectations. And yet this album lived up to the hype, then surpassed it.

Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me: Unlike Bad Astronaut, I had written off Brand New. I liked their previous album, Deja Entendu, but it never stuck with me much past the first year or two of college. Fast forward three years. I'm reviewing CDs at the radio station, looking through my stack of CDs, and see this. "Huh," I think. Noteworthy not only because I recognize the name, but also because, since I had stopped following the band, I had no idea they were releasing a new CD. When I put this CD in, I was blown away with how good it was. This is not the bratty pop-punk band they were on their first album. This is not the indie rock band they turned into for their second album, Deja Entendu. This is a new band entirely. They're angry, they're passionate, and they write songs that will knock your socks off. Highly recommended.

Cadillac Blindside - These Liquid Lungs: Another staple on my Top 10/25/whatever CDs list. I keep using the word "dark," and I'd really like to find another word, but this is a dark album. However, Cadillac Blindside doesn't wallow in their dark world. They fuse the dark subject matter with some of the most infectious melodies I've found in the punk scene. I love singing along to this record.

Dashboard Confessional - The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most: Once again, this is all about sentimental value. High school, for sure. But goddamn, it's still catchy as hell. This is probably the best bunch of songs Chris Carrabba will ever write.

Dredg - Catch Without Arms: Richard Meader, thank you. Back in high school, he introduced me to Leitmotif, Dredg's first album. It was good, I liked it. But it was only good. It was a little too heavy for me. Kind of a mix of, say, Apex Theory with Pink Floyd. (I have no idea if that's accurate, but it sounds good to me.) I liked them enough, however, to stick with them. Dredg's next album, El Cielo, was more mellow. Less angsty. But very artsy. Seriously. It's like art rock. Some filler songs, but a cohesive album with some complex work. Then they released Catch Without Arms. This is an unabashedly pop album. Gone are the heavy elements of their first album. Nonexistent are the filler tracks from their second album. What's left is twelve superbly-written songs that focus on melody. It's a harmonious album. They shed their pretension and make simple, glorious music. Also highly recommended.

The list continues:

Elliott Smith - XO: It's a damn shame Elliott Smith killed himself. Unlike some of the bands/artists on this list, I feel as though Smith really could have topped himself. XO is a fantastic album -- sad, dark, and beautiful -- yet I can't shake the feeling that, if he had kept making music, I'd be picking a different album.

Explosions in the Sky - The Earth is not a Cold Dead Place: This is the first instrumental album on the list, and a necessary companion to the second instrumental album if you're new to the whole instrumental indie rock genre. It's only five songs, but it lasts forty-five and a half minutes. Epic.

Filmmaker - An Invitation to an Accident: I wish I could remember how, exactly, I discovered Filmmaker. I think I found their page on mp3s.com (or something) and took a listen to their songs. I discovered articulate rock songs with some impressive guitar work. I promptly ordered the only two CDs they ever released: an EP and a full-length. The Canadian record label, Farway Records, disappeared a few months later. I have never met another person who has heard of this band, which is an injustice. I still go to their Purevolume page in the hopes that they'll add mp3 versions of the 3 songs that are streaming there. It's been six years, and I'm still hoping...

The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound: I love this album. When I first heard it, I thought the songs were catchy, but that they all kinda sounded the same. Then I kept listening to it. And I kept listening to it. And I kept listening to it. I was powerless against it. The songs just kept calling me back. And now, after countless listens, I'm proud to say that the songs, in fact, don't all sound the same. If you like blue collar, Bruce Springsteen-inspired tunes, then this is the band for you.

The Get Up Kids - On a Wire: Something to Write Home About is the album that hooked me on The Get Up Kids, but On a Wire is the one that I keep coming back to. They sound a little more mature on this one or something, I don't know. Can't quite explain it. But it's great stuff, whatever it is they're doing.

Lagwagon - Let's Talk about Feelings: The definitive So-Cal skate-punk album. Clocking in at around 25 minutes, it's short, it's fast, it's rockin'. And with the one-two punch of "May 16th" and "Owen Meany" to end the album, what more could you ask for?

The Lawrence Arms - Oh! Calcutta!: Picking my favorite Lawrence Arms record was the hardest choice I had to make on this list. But I settled on this, what could possibly be (though I really, really, really, really, really, really hope not) their last album. It's a perfect mix of Chris and Brendan's vocals (we all knew they needed to team up on more songs). It's got that gritty, Midwestern vibe. It's punk rock.

Okkervil River - The Stand Ins: If these guys don't get to the super stardom level of the Arcade Fire or the Decemberists, I will be very surprised. They have all the elements in place: catchy indie rock tunes that crowds can sing along to, and... well, let's be honest, what more do you need?

Osker - Idle Will Kill: I loved this album in high school. I loved this album in college. And I love this album even more now. Sure, it has snotty-sounding teenage vocals, but, goddamn, some of the lyrics are far beyond what a snotty-sounding teenager should be writing. On a side note: More than any other album, I think my voice sounds best when singing along to this CD. Either Devon's vocal range is exactly the same as mine, or I have just as bad of a voice as he does.

Hello, friends. Yes, I did have a birthday this past week. I'm actually 54, but hey, Adam was close enough. Anyway, I don't really have a proper update for you. Instead, I'm going to give you the first third of my list of 25 Albums I Most Enjoy/Enjoy Most. See, back when Adam and I first reunited the band (as it were), he said he'd be interested in seeing my list of top 25 albums. Since I'm a jerk (and/or lazy), I'm twisting it a bit. Instead of ranking them from 1 to 25, I'm just going to give you an alphabetical list. This is mostly because I love all of these albums and there's no way I can effectively order them. Now, you may be wondering just what the hell "Most Enjoy/Enjoy Most" means exactly. Basically, these might not be the greatest/best CDs in the world, but they're either the ones that I've played the most or the ones that have give me the most enjoyment (duh). (Apparently I've traded in my love of colons for a love of forward slashes.) Anyway, don't be surprised if you see several repeats from Adam's list. Since he introduced me to punk music back in the day, most of these selections cull from our younger and more vulnerable days when we would swap song and CD suggestions using AOL Instant Messenger. (Seriously, IM? Who the hell uses THAT any more? Actually, probably everyone but me.)

Radiohead - OK Computer: This is the only mainstream album that made the cut. It's also one of the reasons why I don't feel comfortable calling this list a list of 25 Best Albums Ever in the History of the World. I haven't listened to many of the albums in the "classic CD" cannon. However, this is one of them that I have. It's also one of them that I thoroughly, thoroughly agree is worth the hype. This entire album needs to come out for Rock Band. Now.

Rocky Votolato - Suicide Medicine: A fantastic singer-songwriter. Also, he came and played a show in Harrisonburg (my college's poor excuse for a college town). No one came to Harrisonburg! (This is not true. Several bands came to Harrisonburg. But not really.)

Saves the Day - Stay What You Are: Listening to this CD takes me back to high school. Summer. Playing online card games with Adam. I know no one cares about how dorky we were (Ha! "Were."), but I'm just saying. Saves the Day will never, never, never top this album. Frankly, I'd be okay if they stopped trying. It's not gonna happen, fellas.

Saxon Shore - The Exquisite Death of Saxon Shore: This is the second instrumental album on my list. The songs are fairly short and they're a bit more upbeat, but they still pack quite a punch. If you're feeling like wading into the waters of instrumental music, this is a great place to start.

Sleep Station - After the War: For me, this is the definitive Sleep Station album. Not only are the songs top-notch, but also the sound clips fit in with the rest of the CD without detracting from the mood or feeling like filler.

Some by Sea - On Fire! (Igloo): The only reason I heard about this album was because I reviewed it while working at the radio station. It is one of a handful of true gems to come from the radio station review process. Call it orchestral/chamber pop/indie rock whatever, it's damn good. Catchy, catchy, catchy tunes that will have you singing along with a smile.

Thursday - Full Collapse: This album was in heavy rotation during the end of high school and beginning of college. I still listen to it every now and then, though not nearly as frequently. (Thankfully, I'm also not nearly as angsty as I was back in those days.) I'm consistently pleased with how well it holds up.

The Weakerthans - Left and Leaving: Strong lyrics? Check. Catchy melodies? Check. Canadian musicians? Check. This album has it all. Extremely superly highly recommended.

I just have three quick things to say. I'll give you that full post on things that are illegal but shouldn't be one day. I'm just waiting until the moment is right, and you're all salivating appropriately.

First, let's all wish a happy belated birthday to my good friend and co-author of this blog, Brian. Brian turned a youthful 53 yesterday but doesn't look a day over 77. One thing you might not know about Brian is that he was born on tax day. It's true! Therefore, he is exempt from paying taxes. Or that's what he says every year at this time, anyway.

Second, I want to give a quick "shout out" (I will honor my previous deal that if I ever used that phrase you could kick me in the nuts. I am a man of my word.) to the guys over at Rock Pedal. Now, if you know me, you know I'm a really unbelievably huge loser, and I play a LOT of fake drums in Rock Band. A while back my plastic generic kick pedal broke because I rock too fucking hard and I wanted to order the Rock Band 2 drum kit. I ordered it, only to be told it was on back order. For like four months. So I broke down and bought the $80 Rock Pedal in the meantime. Three things about this pedal. One, it looks kick ass and it makes me feel like a real drummer, though I'm so incredibly not. Two, though you have to fiddle around with it, you can eventually get it set to your exact preferences on height, resistance, and sensor point so that you can drum exactly the way you want to. This WILL increase your score and make you feel like a big fake loser BADASS. Three, I contacted the guys there because there's a piece on the pedal that I have already ruined through rocking too fucking hard, and without asking for any kind of receipt information or anything, they put a replacement part in the mail to me with a nice letter saying they were sorry for the trouble this piece breaking caused me. That kind of customer service can't be beat, and I just wanted to share that story with everyone out there. If you want to be a better fake drummer and you want to support some really nice folks who make a really quality product, drop the money on that pedal. I promise you will not regret it.

Three, tea parties? Really? Tea parties and pirates. Great, soon we'll all have polio and be heading out west looking for gold in them thar hills. Well, I'm off to get my pick axe.

I just want to say a quick Happy Zombie Jesus day to all my Chrazy Christian friends who believe that their lord and savior was a bunny that rose from the dead and ate brains, before Mohammed was sent to Earth to put an end to his reign of terror. Or something like that. It's been a while since I went to church. And I only went the one time. So yeah. Happy Easter, weirdos.

A note about this post: My intention is not to be mean. I merely find the following situation to be incredibly humorous. I hope you do, as well.

Gather 'round, kids, because it's story time. It all starts with me trying to discover where I can find Cheerwine here in the northern Virginia area. (Cheerwine, for those of you who do not know, is pretty much the most amazing soda in the world. It's like Dr. Pepper, but with more cherry flavor.) So I go to the Google machine and type in "Where can I find Cheerwine?" One of the results is a forum where someone asked, conveniently enough, "Is there anywhere I can get Cheerwine in the Washington, DC area?" I read through the responses, and one of them says, "Just FYI, I was part of a Cheerwine focus group a few months ago... they are indeed looking to make a national push." This is great news!, thinks I. Moreover, the "Cheerwine focus group" part was in clickable-link font. So I click on the link, which transports me to this blog post. Now, I'm trying my best to reserve judgment at this point. When the first thing I see is that gigantic banner/picture, it's hard for me not to start making assumptions. But I check any and all presuppositions and read the post. Sadly, it didn't reveal a massive, nationwide distribution of Cheerwine like I had hoped. But oh well. Time to move on...

Except, not quite. Since I'm a bit curious about just who this person actually is, I click on her profile. I see she has three blogs (!), and that one of them is book-related. Books? I like books. So I decide to check it out. She hasn't updated her book blog in a while, but one of the posts is her review of 1984. Now here's where things get funny/mean (depending on how you look at it). As I read her review, I'm getting a sense of what she's like as a person: not an English major, but likes to read; probably doesn't have children, but I can easily see her as a mother; a calm temperament / not one to swear / probably religious... things of that sort. And I get an idea for a funny humor piece: Stay-at-home moms reviewing classic literature. People like Sarah Palin dissecting Orwell, or Faulkner, or the Brontes, or Joyce, or whomever. But then, before I even have time to draft a copy, she gives me all I need. What follows is my cut-and-paste amalgamation of her review.

I decided it was time for me to plow into George Orwell’s 1984... It was alright... but I won’t read it again. It was interesting to see the perspective of a man writing in the 1950’s predicting 30 years into the future. Jeez, talk about doomsday! 1984 tells us the story of a society where every move you make is monitored by Big Brother and the Thought Police and history is rewritten on a daily basis to conform to Big Brother’s ideology. Pretty spooky. Our antagonist, Winston, decides that he really doesn’t agree with the crap that’s being forced into his mind, and this book tells the tale of Winston’s exploration of defying Big Brother.

Okay. So far, so good. She confuses "protagonist" with "antagonist," but that's forgivable. Here's where I laughed out loud:

I think I would have enjoyed this book a little more if Orwell hadn’t launched into about 20 pages of pseudo-political commentary in the middle of the book. Psh! Who needs that crap! I just wanted to know what happened to Winston!

And then, and here is where I experienced a severe case of cognitive dissonance:

When I finished this book, my first thought was, "Alright, that’s over with." My second thought was, "Jeez, it’s a good thing that’s not REALLY how things are... I think..."

But really, if book reviewers started using words like "Psh!," I'd probably start reading book reviews.

Meditations on the Beginning and End of it all? Thoughts on life and death? Ruminations on the complexity -- and yet simplicity -- of how best to spend our brief, brief time on this world? Sure, Adam has covered some big subjects, but I think he's missing the single most important issue of them all: pirates. (He's also missing one or two Pauly Shore references. [On second thought, maybe the Pauly Shore reference drove people away.])

Yes, pirates. Have you heard the news lately? A hostage situation with pirates. Here's the thing. This is a serious matter. It could very well be a life-or-death situation. And yet, no matter how hard I try to convince myself of the severity of the situation, I get to the "pirate" part and all of that work is (excuse the term) blown out of the water. Sure, if I were to know one of the people held hostage then I would not take so kindly to the news. And I do feel for the hostages and their families. But our culture glorifies pirates. I hear the news and I immediately get a mental picture of Johnny Depp frolicking around on deck. Why can't I not think of Johnny Depp when I hear about pirates? Isn't that kind of fucked up?

Here's something else that might only bother me: (again with the colons!) I get freaked out when I'm driving and the person in front of me throws his or her cigarette butt out the window. I see the tiny red ember fall, hit the pavement, and burst into tiny sparks. And it's at that moment when my car passes right over the cigarette. I'm worried that, one day, the ember, the sparks, my car -- all if it will coalesce in a fantastic little explosion. Science people out there: Am I crazy, or is this a legitimate worry?

Finally, I'm well on my way (page 70) into Cosmos. I'm proud to report that it's much more enjoyable in my non-feverish state. I'll leave you with this quote from Isaac Newton: "I do not know what I may appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy, playing on the seashore, and diverting myself, in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, while the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me."

It’s kind of weird to think that we’re just thrown into the middle of this world. All this stuff has already happened, and we can’t change it. The stuff that has happened has landed us here, in a world full of hatred towards people who believe different things, full of a caste system (don’t act like we don’t have one) in which certain people are powerful and certain people aren’t, full of nations, lines dividing the earth into human defined areas. We weren’t there at the beginning; in fact, no one was there in the beginning. There was no “first person.” We evolved, and at some point the animal that became us started forming these things, these countries and power structures and belief systems, and now we’re stuck living with these systems that are thousands of years old. Hell, you can’t even find a person who has a cell phone that’s more than three years old because it’s outdated, but these things, these religions and social classes, we cling to these like there are no alternatives. Just because there was at some point a reason to create these things. Can you just imagine how corrupted good ideas can become over thousands of years? Shit, if you don’t clean your house for six months, it’s going to be a pigsty. Who the hell knows what anyone at the beginning of society was thinking. Even our founding fathers, people like to go on and on about what they would want when they’re arguing points like gay marriage and such. That was only a couple hundred years ago, but I guarantee you that if one of those guys walked in our country today, he’d hang his head and ask what kind of monster he’d created. We can’t act like we know what good intentions people had when institutions were founded, but we sure do like to try.

On the other side, imagine being here at the end. There was no first person, but there will be a last person. At some point either the universe will kill us off or we will. I’m guessing the latter. Imagine being the last person alive, a great red sky above and death all around. There is literally no one left alive to talk to, and you pass away. In that moment, when you’re gone, nothing that ever happened to the human race matters at all. All the petty disagreements, all the religious and ideological differences, all the technological advances, all the money, all the achievements and failures of humanity, it’s all erased in one great split second, because nothing that remains living on this earth gives a flying fuck about any of it. Weird to think about, right? And then who’s to say that some little lizard colony that survived the end of humanity by hiding under a rock won’t come out of hiding, find an entire world to play in, and grow, evolve, become intelligent. They’ll dig our bones out from under the earth and wonder what kind of animals we were. They’ll have their chance at running the place, and maybe they’ll do a better job than we did. Maybe they’ll grow to gigantic sizes, and instead of trying to form a society, they’ll run in packs, just trying to survive. They’ll rule the earth. Maybe a meteor will hit causing climate change that wipes out the entire population and makes a small mammal be the only thing to survive. And that’ll happen over and over and the sun will explode and the earth will be swallowed and in the vast infinite space and time that is the universe, none of any of that will ever have even happened. And maybe because of that we should all lighten up a little bit and just try to be happy and make others happy while we’re here.

Thus ends Adam’s strange, seemingly drug-fueled hippy days. Next time: Things that are illegal that shouldn’t be!

Well hello there. How are you? Me? I'm alright. You know, I've been better, I've been worse. But that's enough about me. Tell me about you. Tell me your hobbies, interests. What's your favorite food? Your favorite Stooge? How many times a day do you ask yourself "How the hell did I end up here?" That's enough about you. I'm glad we had this time together.

I have this file on my computer called "Blog" in which my ideas for blog posts age like a fine wine or a cheese of some sort that may either get better or moldy with age. Sometimes I open this file and I find things I forgot about, or things that don't make sense. Sometimes I open this file and I see things that I really don't feel like writing about. The point of this paragraph is to let you, dear reader, know that I have a computer and a file full of ideas, so I have no excuse for not updating this in so long. Thankfully, Brian has been here with an inordinate amount of posts to keep everyone enthralled.

If I may have a moment of your time for a sad note, loyal and dear friend, my grandfather's sister Maryann passed away last week after struggling with cancer for a long time. He said this, in a moment of sheer, unabashed loving emotion before breaking down in tears: "She was a fighter. I loved her. I loved her so much it’s hard to talk about. I loved her so much it’s hard to think about."

I feel like I should end this post there because it seems strange to keep writing after that, but I'll keep going, because we all have to move on sometimes, and sometimes the best way to do that is to just keep writing. So please allow me to continue.

Cam and I had a conversation in Red Robin a couple/few weeks/months ago (time is kind of a blur for me), and the gist of that conversation is I fucking hate working in this bullshit corporate environment where employees are nothing more than pawns for CEOs to use and throw away, a number on a sheet that either produces or doesn't produce, and if they don't produce, they can be crossed off the sheet and replaced by another number. I'm fucking tired of my people being laid off and "important people" getting bonuses for running their companies into the ground. I don't know what makes these people qualified to run a company, but the ability to run a company is definitely not a requirement anymore. I'm going to make up facts here, but did you know that 50 years ago CEOs made about 30-50 times more than their employees, and today CEOs make 600 times what their employees do? It's true! (It's not true) And what about bailouts? I'm sorry, but if I open a restaurant and I make shitty food and charge twenty bucks a plate and nobody comes to eat there, I go out of business, my employees lose their jobs, and I'm in the fucking poorhouse. However, if I run a big company that has lots of ties to Washington D.C. (which I'm assuming at this point stands for "damn corrupt"), I get lots of money with no oversight to do whatever I want with, which is a great plan because you saw how I burned through all the money my company had to begin with. I'm sick of all of this bullshit that's going on, and I'm starting to think it's time we just let everything that's been mismanaged to the point of failure JUST....FUCKING...FAIL. There are no extra lives in real life. Let the big companies go out of business, let the rich fat cats lose their money, let them live like everyone else for a while. Shit in this country has gotten out of hand, and I really think that a little leveling of the playing field wouldn't hurt anyone. And don't talk to me about job loss if these companies go out of business. If things keep moving in this direction we'll all be laid off to save money anyway, so why not take them down with us? Obama promised change. I want some fucking change.

Wait, that's not what Cam and my conversation at Red Robin was about at all. We talked about writing a TV show or a movie or something. We talked about being creative instead of working in the soul crushing corporate machine. It gave me hope that maybe one day I'll get fired, and I'll have time to be creative, and I'll have the freedom to move somewhere creativity flourishes, and I'll be able to make a living on my own terms, and I'll watch from the sidelines as corporate America burns and crumbles to the ground, and we realize that no job anyone does is worth hundreds of millions of dollars a year, and we see each other as human beings instead of numbers, and we realize that religion is a personal thing not to be foisted on everyone else, and we realize that all people, black, white, yellow, red, whatever other offensive terms I can think of, straight, gay, Christian, Jewish, Islamic, we're all just people trying to get by, and no one is any better or worse than anyone else, and we'll all just leave each other the fuck alone and let people do what they want to do, and the laws will change, and everything will rebuild into what society should have been in the first place: a bunch of people gathered in one place to celebrate life and live it without fear of being judged or hated. And I'll be there, writing things that make people happy. And I'll be happy. And you'll be happy. And that will never, ever happen, but it's kind of fun to think about.

Here's an interesting (?) fact I learned this weekend: If you use the auto-word select function for text messaging (you know, the one where you just hit the keys for the letters and the phone spits out the word you probably mean) and you want to say "Be at Brian's house," it will come up as "Be at asians house."

Here's an inside joke that you won't get unless you're one of three of my friends, but you might still find it funny if you like laughing at people you don't know: I ate at the Olive Garden this weekend for perhaps the third time in my life. It was, however, my first time eating there with Dan and Kim. Frankly, their behavior was downright embarrassing. (To let you in: Dan made this comment self-deprecatingly, to which my response was that I would blog about it. Here I am. And here I am, also proving the point that having to explain a joke is a surefire way to nullify its humor.)

On a serious note: I've used a colon in the first sentence of each paragraph.

But seriously: I had a nightmare last night. A substitute teaching nightmare. I was subbing a class and there was one kid who just wouldn't shut up. Moreover, he was cursing. I wanted to yell at this kid, to chew him out, but I physically could not raise my voice loud enough -- or sound angry enough -- to do so.

Another fact: I ended that sentence with three two-letter words that all end in an O. Unprofessional writers wouldn't even attempt shit like that.

But seriously again: People who interpret dreams, what the hell does my dream mean?

Yet another fact: Ending sentences with slant rhyme like that is a little thing my writing professors would call "bullshit." However, I like it. So there.

(In actuality: I don't think any of my writing professors have ever described anyone's writing as "bullshit." They are nice, generous people. People who wrote me recommendations to get into grad school. And for that, I should probably avoid slander.)

If you think this colon thing has gotten old: Too bad.

It's movie review time. I liked Adam's succinct review of Synecdoche, New York, so I'm here to dish out my own $0.02.

Choke: I did not enjoy this movie. This is strange for several reasons: 1)I like Sam Rockwell. Unfortunately, he can't carry the rest of the lackluster cast. 2)I like(d) the Chuck Palahniuk book on which the movie is based. Granted, it's been a while since I've read it (and I do fear -- dare I say it -- that I've somewhat outgrown Palahniuk), so maybe I'd have a different reaction were I to re-read the book. But, from what I remember, I laughed a lot reading the book. It was a well-crafted dark comedy. This movie, however, evoked maybe a few solid laughs from me, that's it. 3)The writer/director is an actor who has appeared in both Sports Night and The West Wing. As an actor, he does a fantastic job. But I guess maybe he should stick to acting, not writing and directing.

Synecdoche, New York: All right. I'm a bit biased here, as I'm a huge Charlie Kaufman fan. But here's the deal. The first time I saw this movie was last November in New York City with my mom. At that time, I felt cheated. I felt like it was far from his strongest work. I felt like, after all the wait (it was three years, I believe, since his last movie), that it was a letdown. However, I wanted to watch it again. As with all Kaufman movies, I knew it required a second viewing. Unfortunately, due to a limited release that never really turned wide, I never got a chance to until it came out on DVD. Watching it again, I've changed my mind considerably. Maybe it's a bit of a placebo effect: me thinking that a second viewing will be better, thus, the second viewing was better. Maybe it's because I knew what to expect, what to look for, things like that. But, whatever the reason, I'm willing to say that Synecdoche is on par with the rest of the Kaufman cannon. Certainly not his best (let's be honest, it's hard to top Adaptation or Eternal Sunshine), but a strong and worthy contender. If you like trippy mind-bending movies, I highly recommend seeing this one. Twice.

The Hospital: Paddy Chayefsky is another great screenwriter, in my opinion. George C. Scott stars in this movie from 1971. It's short, it's dark, and it's also quite funny. Here's the plot summary from IMDB: "Black comedy in which a suicidal doctor struggles to find meaning in his life while a murderer stalks the halls of his hospital." Another recommendation. This one not requiring two viewings to fully comprehend.

Dear longtime readers of The Irreverent Times Journal,

Hello. Nice to see you again, uh... friend. Sorry, I've forgotten your name. See, when you're as rich and famous as I am, you shake hand after hand, you see face after face, and you mock the poor. After a while, it all blurs together. The names, the faces, the derision towards people who still use dial-up (I mean, can you believe it???). So, please forgive me for not remembering you specifically.

Anyway, I'm just here to check in. I've entrusted Brian and Adam with the task of ghosting my autobiography. But it seems they've decided to disregard our contract entirely. Instead, they make jokes and social commentary. This blog, dear reader, is supposed to be about me! Me!

Forgive me. I don't believe I've introduced myself. I am the rabbit that, one day, ate some carrots and, thus, had good eyesight. That's me. And this is my story. At least, this was supposed to be my story. But, seeing as how Adam and Brian can't even generate more than 75 posts in a given year (Seriously? Just 75? Are you kidding me?), it looks like I'll have to do my own work here. Without further ado, my story:

I grew up on the streets. Not literally, of course, as cities are not conducive to small mammalian life such as myself. It was the streets of the deciduous forest. Needless to say, it wasn't easy. My life was carrot-less. I ate leaves, grasses, sprouts. I remember this one time that my older brother and I were fighting over a single leaf. He won, but he gave me half of the leaf, anyway. That's just the kind of guy he was.

I never saw my brother again.

That's the streets of the deciduous forest for you. Maybe if we lived in a coniferous forest things would've been different. A tropical forest -- but that's just silly. Forgive my foolishness.

I told myself that my life would be better. I wouldn't end up like them. I didn't have any friends or family at this point, mind you, so my conception of "them" was yet another deception. I turned to the normal outlets of the burnt-out bourgeois: alcohol, drugs, chewing tobacco. I was a mess. Until one day...

Carrots. Eyesight. Stardom. I was on the A list. I went to the fanciest restaurants. I slept with the prettiest women. I partied with Pauly Shore. Life was good.

And that, dear readers, is just the beginning.

Sincerely,

Rabbit


April Fool's Day! Everyone knows that's not the true story of the rabbit!