Ah, the political ad. It’s an art form, perfected over years of trial and error. I imagine the first political ads actually described what the candidates were going to do in office. You know, like a product commercial. When you see Oxy Clean on TV, the commercial shows you why you need Oxy Clean. That shit will clean anything! Look at that weird British guy who is not Billy Mays. He is clearly no Billy Mays, but it doesn’t really matter who the pitchman is because the product works. Or look how EXTREME those Mountain Dew drinkers are. Man, if I drank some Dew I could totally surf on the back of a shark. That’s what ads do. They show you the product, tell you why you should buy the product, and that’s it. Makes sense, right?

At some point, even during my lifetime, if I remember correctly, political ads worked the same way. Here’s your candidate, and here’s what he’s going to do once he’s in office, and here’s why you should vote for him, and that’s it. Sure, every promise they would make was a bold-faced lie, but at least they were lying about themselves. Then at some point, someone decided that wasn’t enough.

Let’s say that at some point, Candidate A was at a town hall meeting, and someone asked him “Hey, you’re pro-choice, right?” Candidate A responds “Well sure, but with limitations. I don’t think you should abort everything in all instances.” Candidate B hears this and comes out with:

“Candidate A – baby eater. Can you believe what Candidate A said? ‘Abort everything in all instances.’ Candidate A will kill your kids and eat that shit UP. He’ll take a rock, bash you in the stomach until you discharge that baby, and then make soup from it. Candidate A will murder your grandparents and fuck your mom. Do you want a murderous, baby-eating mom-fucker in office? Vote Candidate B.”

The genius behind this move is that you don’t know shit about Candidate B. Candidate B could be a crack-smoking, abusive, Communist dogfighter, who rapes as a hobby. But his game is to get you to vote for him because at least he’s not eating babies. So Candidate A fires back with his own attack ad, and soon, as the voter, you are left with a choice. Vote baby-eater or rapist?

It may well be that these politicians actually have agendas that they’d like to accomplish in Washington, but you’d never know it from the ads we’ve been bombarded with this political season. And it’s hard to get excited about either party when you know one of them is going to fuck your mom and one of them is going to kill your dog. But you still have to vote.

When you look at the big picture, your choice is made a little clearer. The Democrats have had control of Washington for two years, and they have done very little except whine about Republicans not playing nice. They passed a health care bill that no one understands or knows anything about (don’t act like you do). They spent a lot of money trying to stop the recession, which no one knows if it worked (don’t act like you do) or if it just ended naturally. But no matter what you’ve been told, they did not turn the country into Communist Russia, sell white people into slavery, or make Islam the official religion of the US.

Republicans, if you’ll remember, fucked up so bad in so many ways that we threw them all out of power two years ago. Nothing has changed about them since then. They want rich people to get richer, creationism to be taught in public schools, abortions to be illegal, gays to be treated as second class citizens, pot smokers to be locked up in prison, and to use all these bombs that we’ve been accumulating.

Democrats want to take all your money and give it to lazy worthless poor people, let illegal immigrants take all our jobs, abort all the babies, people to be able to marry their pets, everyone to be high all the time, us to pull our military out of every country while pissing ourselves and asking people to please not hurt us, and to kill God.

Happy election day.