I'm 0-2 when it comes to McSweeney's submissions. I'll keep trying, though. Maybe after 10 rejections I'll get the hint. Until then, I'll just keep posting the rejects up on this blog. (The other reject was the fake Barack Obama speech on education -- they seemed to like it, but they would've posted it long after the timely event.) So, for your consideration:

Twitter Shout-Outs to Literary Characters

(Yes, this is something I did a bit of on my Twitter account. But now with five bonus tweets!)

@HoldenCaulfield: Stop being an emo waif. “If you really want to hear about it”? All I wanna hear is the sound of my first on your face. Best, BK.

@JayGatsby: Dude. Get the fuck over her, old sport. For real. Your other neighbor, BK.

@Heathcliff: Talk about having a bigger-picture mentality – whoa! We’re still friends, right? Your pal (right?), BK.

@HumbertHumbert: @Lolita is my niece, man. Would appreciate it if you toned down the creeper vibe. Thanks, BK.

@HesterPrynne: You saucy minx. Let's grab drinks next time you're in town. I'll call up @Desdemona and who knows... XO, BK.

In reply to @Othello: Whoa, dude, chill. I didn't mean anything by that. She's just a friend. Seriously. No harm. Your bro, BK.

@BigBrother: Thanks for being my first follower! But you’re not going to use this stuff against me, right? That’d be doubleplusungood. BK.

@OedipusRex: Thanks for the warning about CougarLife.com. Sorry about your eyes. Must've been quite a MILF, though. Fondly, BK.