Texas is getting ready to rewrite the history book, literally. They say they’re changing the content of history books to “promote patriotism.” Now I’m no scholar, but it seems to me like the history books should be written to “promote history.” Let’s take a look at their proposed changes, shall we?

-Take Thomas Jefferson out (or at least keep the bastard to a minimum) – Kids, he favored separation of church and state. While that is a principle that this country was founded on, it’s best not to teach kids that, because history has proven that theocracy is the best and fairest form of government, and if we’re ever going to get this godless, sinful country to that point, we’ve got to stop focusing so much on this Jaferson guy, or whatever.

-Talk about the “unintended consequences” of affirmative action – Kids, black people used to work for us for free. They don’t do that anymore, partly because of affirmative action, which makes black people think they deserve the same opportunities as real people! If we ever want to have black people be our… “butlers” again, we better focus on…

-Giving Jefferson Davis the same level of attention as Abraham Lincoln – Kids, at one time, there was a man named Ibrahim Al-Incon, and he was the man responsible for giving black people the notion that they deserve to get paid for their work. At the same time, however, there was another man named Jefferson Davis, a good, strong, Christian man. The country was torn apart – sinners in the North favored treating all people, regardless of their lack of whiteness and Christianity, equal. The South, or the “Real America” favored keeping things the way Jesus intended: white Christians ruling the land with an iron fist. Unfortunately the sinners, aided by Satan himself in the form of Ulysses S Grant (born Hiram Ulysses Grant – please note that you can easily spell “Satan Him Rules Grys” from his name), were able to overcome the pure and decent South, which is one of the main reasons our country suffers the ills that it does today. So, how did black people come to this land in order to be our “helpers?” Well..

-Renaming the slave trade to the "Atlantic triangular trade” – Kids, black people were brought here in the “Atlantic triangular trade.” We all grew up being taught that black people were brought here as slaves to do our bidding for nothing more than enough food to keep them alive long enough to plow our fields, and for us to “plow their fields” if you know what I mean (that Joferston guy sure did). But that was vicious lies, told to us by the liberal media! The black people were apparently brought here in trade for… Atlantic… triangles. That sounds pretty good right? They weren’t slaves, they were just helping us out, because they knew deep in their hearts that we were better than them, and that Jesus, a white Christian man (certainly not an Arab Jew), had given us rule over the animals, which includes black people! Speaking of Jesus…

-Adding language saying the country's Founding Fathers were guided by Christian principles – Kids, we all know that Jesus is the one true way to reach Heaven. We also know that our Founding Fathers (except for that guy Timmy Jeffries or whoever) were Divine Angels sent from On High to speak the True Word of the Lord, which is why now, hundreds of years later, we interpret the Constitution to be God’s Law. Many textbooks in the past have tried to act like the founding fathers were Deists and didn’t want this country to be a Christian nation, using obviously faulty evidence like this excerpt from Article XI of the 1796 Treaty with Tripoli, “…the government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion…” Obviously these liberal dogs didn’t bother to read the rest of the article, which ends tellingly with the word “Psych!”

There are plenty of other changes being made, like eliminating minorities who were important in shaping this country, changing terms like “imperialism” and “capitalism” to “expansionism” and “free market”, including country music and excluding rap music (because we all know country music was the sound of a revolution, while rap music was just some black people talking?), etc. The point is, Texas is once again paving the way for the US to be perceived as giant racist douchebags who think they’re better than everyone else in the world. And now our kids will have proof in their “history” books! I was born there… :(