Dear True Blood,

What has become of you? You were a fun little show about vampires that had gratuitous violence and nudity every episode. That first season, where we were looking for the murderer in Bon Temps, that was some of the most fun I've had watching TV in a while. Remember how you were just like a cool show that just happened to have vampires in it? It wasn't even like you were shoving the vampires in my face, being all like "LOOK AT VAMPIERS!" or anything back in those days. Maybe it was because the vampires had just come out, and thanks to the drink True Blood, they were able to exist without feeding on people. There was this tense, almost cease-fire balance between vampires and humans, echoing the desegregation era in American history. There was mystery, intrigue, and lots and lots of violence and sex.

Our second get together was pretty fun, too. That crazy Marianne with her bull head and freaky horns. The shapeshifters. Sure, we kind of left behind the whole family dynamic that Sookie and her brother and friend had, but it was okay. The whole social commentary aspect was kind of gone, too, but it was still fun to watch all these dummies get corrupted by Marianne. And Jason getting into the crazy church, and Godric, there was a lot of good stuff! A little more ridiculous, sure, but still cool.

But now, on our third date, I feel like I might as well be watching Twilight, what with the vampires, the werewolves, and all the mopey mopeitty moping going on. This is my impression of your new season so far:

SOOKIE: MOPE MOPE MOPE Where's Bill? MOPE MOPE MOPE

BILL: MOPE MOPE I am taken away from my love and held hostage MOPE BE KIND OF AWESOME MOPE

TARA: MOPE MOPE I have nothing to live for because I'm a useless waste of time pain in the ass who never does anything. MOPE MOPE

SAM: MOPE MOPE My family is a bunch of jerks and I wish I'd never found them. MOPE MOPE MOPE

ALCIDE: MOPE MOPE My lady is a whore and I wish she wasn't. MOPE MOPE

You're five episodes in, and nothing has happened with any of these main characters. By this time last year, Marianne was making people have orgies, Godric was missing and Sookie was on the case. At this time this year, Sookie has stopped moping in Bon Temps and started moping in Mississippi. Tara the same thing. Sam found his family and they suck. Bill got kidnapped and is still kidnapped. None of the characters really seem to be going down storylines that relate to each other anymore. The werewolves don't seem fierce. There's not nearly as much good old fashioned violence or nudity. What happened to your edge?

At least your vampires can't go outside in the sun, and they're not sparkly. But still. If I wanted to watch Twilight, I'd throw my nuts in the closet and watch it. But I don't. So how'sabout you get back to what you do best: killing and screwing.

Thanks,
Adam