It’s Summer, and you know what that means: Nothing is on TV. You could go outside, but it’s hot and there are bugs out there. Instead, why doesn’t someone make some of these new shows that I have come up with?

Survivor Bachelor – One man and 12 women are forced to live on an island for 90 days. Instead of getting roses, the women who don’t get eaten are the ones the bachelor wants to continue “dating.” The last surviving woman wins $10,000 and is forced to marry the bachelor, so they have someone who will understand the unspeakable horrors they witnessed and were a part of.

Bottom Chef – 17 contestants from all over the country are picked, who have little to no experience cooking, and go through the same challenges they go through on Top Chef. Expect a lot less purees, souvees, and other French words; and a lot more variations on sandwiches and mac and cheese. It’s like Top Chef, except you can actually relate to it.

VAMPIORS – Since we are right at the crest of the vampire craze in this country, it would probably make sense for someone to try a show about them. They could live among humans, or like in a gated community. They could be teenagers, or middle aged. They could go out in the sun or not. Really, as long as they have slightly elongated canine teeth, that’s probably good. I’m surprised no one has taken advantage of this idea yet.

Oil Spill LIVE with Regis and Kelly – Take Regis and Kelly, or whoever his counterpart is these days, and put them in a robot drilling machine, and have them interview celebrities or whatever they do, but have them do it down by the oil spill. I don’t think the oil spill has gotten enough publicity recently, and this would certainly help people remember what a horrifying and dangerous world we live in, while simultaneously being amazed that Regis is still allowed to be on TV.

Newspaper at 7 – Any local channel could do this show. Have someone read the newspaper on TV. We’ve all been hearing that newspapers are dying out, but TV sure as shit isn’t going anywhere. So what better way to bring newspapers into the 21st century than have them read on TV in glorious high definition? To captivate the young male audience, the presenter can hold the bra ads up to the camera for a few seconds.

The Hills of the City of Beverly Hills 90210’s Real Desperate Housewives of The Jersey Shore – Take all the people who have been on any of these shows and put them into a house with no exit, filled with booby traps and AK-47’s. And just see what happens!

B&A Records – Two wise cracking twenty-somethings who for some reason own a record store that hasn’t gone out of business stand around and make fun of customers for 22 minutes. They work close to a sandwich restaurant which closely resembles Subway, and they go there for lunch. On second thought, that’s a terrible idea for a show.