I'd like someone to do a scientific poll to see if people who smoke cigarettes while driving are worse drivers than the rest of us. To me, it seems like people who smoke cigarettes in general are, for the most part, inconsiderate assholes anyway. I just notice that a large percentage of the time I'm behind some jackass driving 10 under the speed limit, swerving, and being a moron, after a couple minutes he or she will flick a cigarette out the window. Not to say that those are the only bad drivers on the road (please see: women in large SUV's talking on cell phones), but seriously. I'd like to know what percentage of smokers get in accidents versus non-smokers.

Now let's get down to business, shall we? Brass tacks, as they say for some reason. Show me the cheese, as I will from now on say. The time is now to commence with the subject of the day, and the subject of the day is decreed to be these new scanners at the airport. Maybe you've seen them.

That's pretty cool, right? A 3d image of a person being scanned that can catch all types of weapons, not just metal ones. It's like a metal detector, but way more thorough. Sorry, terrorists, your wooden knives and plastic bombs will no longer be able to terrorize us in the skies. The only objections to this technology should be that it takes a little longer than the metal detector. You do have to empty your pockets completely and stand in an awesome chamber for a minute in different positions in order to get all the images made. I saw one of these in Atlanta and wanted to go through it, but accidentally got in the wrong line. Luckily, they're coming to Denver, soon!

BUT WAIT! Here come the crazies! They're coming in to protest these magic machines of the future. What's their problem, you ask? That these machines show outlines of naked bodies! Hide the women and children, and head for the hills, because we all know what these new scanners are all about. Free porn for the TSA! Now that you know how raunchy and, well, just plain sexy those pictures are, go back and take a look at them again. And just try to keep your hands out of your pants. Those terrifying glowing aliens with outlines of penises and boobies really turn me... on?

Look, if someone at some point says mandatory strip searches for everyone before they get on a plane, I'll have an issue. And no, I don't necessarily want everyone in the world looking at my junk and fat rolls. But when faced with a choice of having someone see an outline of my body, or being killed in an airplane, I'll take the exhibitionist route. I'm sure that perverts know there are actual naked people available at millions of places online for free, and I don't expect an influx of sex freaks into the TSA. And even if there is, so what? The people who check these images sit in a different room, so they can't glance back and forth between your scary alien body and your real body to try to fill in the blanks. They will see hundreds of these images per hour. They're not going to save and print the hottest images for "review" later. And if they do, you won't know about it, so who the hell cares?

Seriously, people. Priorities. If you are so upset about someone seeing an outline of you naked that you're willing to risk your life and hundreds of others, maybe you should hit the gym.

In other news, Levi Johnson is making a reality show about running for mayor of Wasilla, AK. The only reality show I want to watch about anyone related to the Palin family is one where they get dropped off in the African savanna and get eaten by lions.