Hey, sports fans. No doubt you've noticed that some people like some sports more than other sports. Since all sports are not created equal, I have decided to publish the first ever official grading of sports, so that everyone knows once and for all what the best sports are. Behold, the ReSPORT Card!

Baseball: Once America's pastime, the sport of baseball has suffered from strikes and scandals over the years. It is sad that we lived in the steroid era and had to put up with the McGwires and Bondses. But now it seems like the numbers are deflating and we're actually watching athletes play a sport again. People who don't understand the sport criticize it for being too slow, but with each pitch having its own strategy, and each pitch having the potential to be important, baseball is an exciting game. Added bonus: they play almost every day, so you always have something you can throw on if there's nothing else happening. It's also really fun to play, since most people have the ability to throw and catch a ball. I think.
Watch: A-
Play: A

Football: At this point, it seems like football is the favorite sport in America. To the point where it's annoying. They play once a week for a few months, but we have to sit through analysis and predictions and speculation for about 11 months out of the year. And the draft, how fucking boring is the draft? And the fans! Nothing else gets drunk fat men to attend games shirtless in freezing weather, or groups of people to act like every Sunday is Halloween. It's all a little much. That said, I like to watch football. While it's true that there's really not much action during the game, every play has the potential to be exciting, and games are often evenly matched enough that there aren't TOO many blowouts. And it is fun to sit around with some friends and watch, because it's got the right mix of action and sit-around-talking-time. It CAN be fun to play, if you have the right mix of people, but it can also be really frustrating if you're, say, 5'7".
Watch: A-
Play: C+

Basketball: There are people who really like basketball. I'll say this about basketball: It has more actual action than football. I'll also say this about basketball: It's super boring. I'm just not impressed by giant freaks of nature stuffing a ball into a hoop. Can I do it? Not easily. But then, I'm not seven feet tall. Watching these men with monstrous 12 foot wingspans stuff a ball in a 10 foot tall hoop just isn't entertaining. Add to that the hundreds of time outs and stoppages of play, especially at the end of the game, and you have something that's just not fun to watch. The WNBA is even worse. Playing it is another matter, as you and your buddies are probably normal sized human beings, and even your little buddy who isn't athletic can probably manage to get the ball through the hoop every so often. Just don't play shirts and skins. Nobody wants to see your moobs flopping all over the place.
Watch: C-
Play: B

Hockey: Before the most recent strike, hockey was my favorite sport to watch on TV. I loved the hits, the amazing goals, the amazing saves, the fights. The sport seemed to move quickly back and forth. It's like soccer done right - full contact, small scale, and fast moving. For some reason, since the strike, I haven't been able to watch hockey. Maybe it's because my teams (Avs and Thrashers) aren't consistently good enough to pay attention to. I still like to watch it, but just not at the same level. That said, they play about every other day, and if there's nothing else on, hockey is still a solid bet for a fun evening. I can't ice skate, so I can't say that I know how fun it is to play. It looks like a blast, but it gets docked points for being more specialized than the other sports on the list.
Watch: B+
Play: C

Soccer: Normally I wouldn't include soccer on a list like this, but since we just got wrapped up in "World Cup Fever" I thought I'd mention again how much I dislike this sport. The pros: It's never on TV, and the World Cup only happens every four years. The cons: It's super boring to watch guys kick a ball back and forth across a court that seems to be the size of Rhode Island. Nothing ever happens. 1-0 is an exciting game. Every so often you have to listen to someone talk to you about why soccer is the greatest sport in the world. Look, all the fancy footwork in the world can't save the sport from the fact that 98% of the awesome tricks don't result in goals. The "amazing" footwork that kept the other team from stealing the ball will just result in an intercepted pass in a few seconds. The header or bicycle kick will sail 30 feet over, to the left, or to the right of the net the vast majority of the time. Just like the vast majority of non-fancy kicks. I'm not saying I can do what these guys do - but my shitty footwork can result in 0-0 ties just the same. Playing it is more fun than watching it, especially since all you really need to be able to play it are the will and ability to run run run run and run some more.
Watch: F
Play: C+