Someone stole my bike. It was a $350 awesome mountain bike that I got to ride about five times in Fort Collins before I learned I was to come to Denver. That averages out to $70 per ride. It wasn’t that awesome. I just want to put it on the record that I hope whoever stole my bike gets hit by a car while riding it and dies, because anyone who would steal a bike probably isn’t bringing anything good into this world. I doubt he stole my bike and then rode it to his job at the children’s hospital.

California tried to ban plastic shopping bags. On one level, this doesn’t surprise me, as California is notoriously liberal (even to this liberal writer). But really, California? You had to write IOUs to your taxpayers this year, and you’re worried about plastic bags? Your entire state is covered in a layer of smog so thick that you can draw pictures in it by waving your arms, and you think that getting rid of plastic bags is going to help the environment? It’s interesting, the problems we think need solving. Maybe revisit the plastic bag “issue” after you’ve figured out how to resolve your… well… all your other problems, really. Maybe start with the whole “we have no money and no jobs” thing.

Speaking of non-issues, people are upset that someone wants to build a community center with a mosque in it near ground zero. Where there is already a mosque. And porn stores, and fast food, and all kinds of other colorful businesses. It’s New York Fuckin’ City, man! The most diverse place quite possibly in the world. And it’s The United States of Fuckin’ America, man! Where regardless of whether you like it or not, people have the right to say and believe what they want. It’s amazing that these conservatives are rallying against it, when usually all they preach is “FREEDOM! Freedom to carry an assault rifle to the grocery store! Freedom to put the 10 Commandments in schools! Freedom to pray to Jesus Fuckin’ Christ in public schools!” But then some Muslims want to be allowed to worship and they go “Now hold on a second… I mean, freedom is all well and good for the white Christians that this country was built for, but these brown Muslims maybe shouldn’t be allowed to pray to their god here. After all, there are thousands of Muslims around the world who hate America, so excluding them from the freedoms everyone else has should remedy that/teach them a lesson.” I hate election season.

Speaking of hating politics, I guess the war in Iraq is over. Mission accomplished! Now there are no more combat operations, just tens of thousands of troops stationed there for “peacekeeping” or something, which is a different word that means the same thing.

Did you guys go to the Taking Back America rally or whatever that Glenn Beck did? The revolution’s a-comin’. Just as soon as they figure out exactly what they’re taking America back from and what their agenda is, other than racism. Did you know Glenn Beck is a Mormon? Interesting stuff!

I love these “dating shows” or whatever, where some “dating expert” or whatever teaches you how to “date” or whatever. The best one is The Pick Up Artist, in which an 8 foot tall dweeb who dresses like a wizard, whose name is Mystery, teaches nerds how to get girls. There’s a new one that’s a take on the same idea called Plain Jane, in which a snarky British woman teaches girls how to get guys.

Two side notes: 1. I wish I was born a snarky Brit, because I’m pretty sure they are Britain’s number one export at this point, and they’re all rich. 2. I can simplify the Plane Jane show. Step one: Girl puts on a low cut shirt. Step two: girl goes outside. Dates ensue.

Anyway, these shows are awesome, and they teach you an important lesson. They talk about how important self esteem is, and teach you conversational skills, and tell you that with confidence, anyone can be yours. Then they get you an entire new wardrobe, new hairstyle, makeup, etc. so that you look like a douchebag/whore (not gender specific). The lesson is, in the end it doesn’t matter what your personality is like. If you’re not attractive, you have no hope of ever finding someone who will love you. Thanks, TV!