The US government will turn everyone in the country into a homosexual so we'll enlist in the armed services. Duh. It all makes sense now. Check it out:

The conservatives are upset about the recent health care legislation. Their vitriolic anger seems exponentially out of proportion to the meek effectiveness of the bill. It's not like they're citing reasonable objections -- they're just fucking upset. Why is this? Because they know something we don't. They've been trying to hint at it for so long, but I'm afraid it's too late. There's nothing we can do about it now.

How many talking heads have you heard say "they're ramming/forcing it [health care] down our throats"? It's so obvious! The health care bill will require everyone to turn gay! It's gotta be one of those tiny clauses no one paid much attention to. But it's there. And it WILL happen, people. Health care won't be the only thing the government is shoving down our throats. Whoa!

But it doesn't stop there. What's the government to do with a country of homosexuals? Why, build the ultimate army, of course! And here's how: By barring gay couples from attending prom. As Adam mentioned, Mississippi is on the cutting-edge here. They're so far advanced they know exactly what they're doing. Those motherfuckers are smarter than I give them credit for. Because, think about it. Who goes to prom? It's generally seventeen- and eighteen-year-old juniors and seniors. AKA the perfect demographic for new enlistments. And by preventing them from going to prom, they'll have all but no choice to enlist!

But hold up. The "don't ask, don't tell" policy would undermine this entire plan. Not if "the Pentagon will start to ease its enforcement of the [policy]." Ha! How convenient! You expect me to believe all three of theses events just happened to occur at around the same time? Yeah, right! That's just crazy!

Gay people going to prom? What’s this world coming to? Can you just imagine? The thought of two women… kissing… licking on each other… it turns me so on… I mean off. It makes me sick. The only thing that could be worse than that would be if two dudes wanted to go to prom. It makes me want to cancel prom. ALL PROMS! I think until we eradicate the gay menace from society, we should make everything illegal. Christ, if gays can go to prom, what next? I’ll tell you what next. Some dude jerking off a horse during a wedding ceremony marrying him, three children, a rug, and a Muslim. You go, Mississippi. Cancel that prom. It was really becoming a distraction to learning, unlike now that it’s a worldwide news story and things have really settled down.

Adam, you totally inadvertently stole my thunder by updating our blog AT THE EXACT SAME TIME I was, thus pushing my earth-shattering Twitter announcement behind your post (which, oddly enough, also mentions technology) where you also make fun of Twitter for being stupid. You're probably right, but I'm giving it a go.

Yesterday I was in shorts, playing tennis outside. Today there are three inches of snow on the ground and it’s supposed to keep snowing all day. Welcome to Colorful Colorado, where we have all four seasons, except instead of having them nicely divided into seasons, they all happen every three days or so.

American Idol – what is up with making these results shows an hour long? You’re eliminating one person! That shit should get done during the commercial break of another show.

I kind of thought about updating Facebook more often because I feel like I do a shitty enough job of keeping up with people that I could use the help. Then I tried typing in the little update box and felt dirty… so dirty… so maybe I’ll try to give it another shot soon.

Chatroulette, huh? That’s a thing that’s all the rage, according to news media. But I can count up the amount of people I know who have even HEARD of it (aside from me) on zero fingers. What about you? The last time the news media tried to convince me that some lame new website was all the rage was for some shit called “Tweeter” or “Twisters” or something, and I was totally right that that site would go nowhere.

How about that new Alkaline Trio album, huh? This Addiction. It’s like Agony and Irony, but not as good. But, I give the Alk3 credit. They haven’t totally pussified themselves (Green Day, AFI) or gotten soooo boring (Strung Out, Offspring) over the years. At least when you hear an Alk3 album, you can still tell it’s them. And it’s still catchy, at least.

I think I’m the only person in the world that thought The Brag and Cuss was Rocky Votolato’s best album. This new one is solid but I think there’s more you can do sonically with a full band than with you and an acoustic guitar. Some songs are really starting to show the limitations (Sparklers sounds like every other finger picked song he’s done). The 7” that came with the CD has two really good, rocking full band songs, strangely enough.

In other music news, there’s a new split out between Brendan Kelly (The Lawrence Arms) and Joe McMahon (Smoke or Fire) that’s pretty good. It’s all acoustic versions of their bands’ songs. Being more of a Lawrence Arms fan, I find B-Kel’s side of the album more interesting. But I always like to hear different versions of songs I like.

Here’s a project I’ve been thinking about. Maybe not a project… a thing. So anyway, I’ve been trying to think of what single song best represents a band. Like, if I were going to try to get someone into the Alkaline Trio, the single song I would pick from their catalog is Radio. For the Lawrence Arms, Quincentuple Your Money. For a mainstreamer version, for The Eagles, Hotel California. For the Foo Fighters, Everlong. It’s kind of fun and really hard. Here’s your homework: Pick some bands you like. What single song best represents them?

Surely the end of the world is near: I have created a Twitter account. Now, this really shouldn't come as a shock; after all, in today's high-tech info-world-blog-sphere-dome-net, I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. (The fact that I refer to them by that one line from "The Little Mermaid" should indicate just how out-of-the-loop I am.) So one more link to the massive social-network-ization of the world is really no big deal for someone like me. Sure, skeptics (I) might say: "But Brian, you barely use Facebook. And you're not that interesting." To which I'd say (to myself): "True." Then I'd add: "But surely I can be interesting when I'm constrained to 160 characters." As evidenced by this already long-winded passage, it's not like I have a problem with being needlessly verbose.

All of this is to say: Who knows how long this adventure will last. Maybe a week. Maybe a month. Or maybe I'll rocket to Twitter stardom, surpassing even the greats like Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, or FunnyCatsPics. And then maybe I'll sell out and my tweets will become hackneyed and stale and I'll lose all my followers and return to my humble roots, having learned an important lesson about myself and a little thing called hubris. Hey, I can dream.

Coming up with a Twitter name was surprisingly difficult. There are lots of Brian Kims out there. The guy who actually has BrianKim is a jerk. He only has one tweet: "Subscribing." It's from 2007. He's only following one person, yet has 24 followers. Honestly, who's still following a guy with only one tweet from three years ago? I would totally (hypothetically) make way more use (for now) of that account than he does (did). Also, just since I was curious, I looked up AdamJones. He only has two tweets, both from two years ago. They're both about pizza. Maybe that one really is Adam, who knows.

I finally decided on YetAnotherBrian. I wanted it to be YetAnotherBrianKim, but Twitter cut me off after the "n" in "Brian." Worked out well, otherwise I could've been "YetAnotherBr" or "YetAnotherBria," which just doesn't make as much sense. So follow me, Twitter-folks (whatever you're called). And maybe, just maybe, we'll all learn a little something about laughter, love, and what it means to sell out.

Where do Tegan and Sara get off charging $35.25 for concert tickets? Who are they, The Eagles?

Went and saw The Mother Hips on Friday night. The concert’s DOORS were at NINE PEE EMM. My god people! I know vampires are all the rage right now, but that doesn’t mean I can live like one. I have to go to bed at night. Luckily it was just them and another band called The Lonely H, which Cam and I decided was a silly name. I still really hate the name, but the band was actually pretty good. Nothing totally exceptional, but just some 70’s sounding classic rock. Singer could really wail. Bass player smiled like a weirdo the whole time. Guitarist was totally competent but never busted out the mad solo he was so close to doing several times. And drummer was nine years old. Or not, but he looked like it.

Anyway, The Mother Hips came on and put on a solid show. They played most of the songs I knew by them, without saying a single, solitary word between them. No “Hey Denver,” no “Thank you,” nothing. They’re also looking a little old, which I guess is to be expected since they’ve been around for 20 years. They stood basically still, played well, sang well, but lacked a certain je ne sais qua. Maybe it’s because it was so late, or maybe some of their songs are just kind of boring, but towards the middle of the set they had these strange instrumental breaks for minutes at a time in the middle of songs where it seemed like they should be playing some cool guitar solos, but really they just hit random notes every so often with that pained look that guitarists get when they’re busting out sick ass shit on the guitar. But they weren’t. But it was still good.

The venue was the Hi-Dive, which is so tiny I drive by it every day on my way to work and I had no idea it was there. We got there around 8:30 because we couldn’t imagine that doors would be at 9 and we looked in the little window and it just looked like a hallway, so I assumed there would maybe be a room back in the back where the concert would take place. But alas, there was no room. It is just a hallway. You turn to your left and tucked away in the corner there is a stage. There can’t be more than 100 people that can fit into this place. I was struck by two thoughts. First, how sick would it have been to see a band like Against Me! back in the Axl Rose or Eternal Cowboy days play at a place like that? Second, how sad is that good rock music like those two bands can’t fill a bigger place, yet the Black Eyed Peas will soon be coming and selling out the Pepsi Center?

Dudes with goatees are always douchebags.

Des, our follower, and more importantly friend, has been in the hospital and is now at home with her mom. She had spinal fluid leak into her brain and needed four spinal taps to remove all of it. She thinks it’s treatable, but if anyone wants to say a quick Get Well Soon to Des, then do it.

Dancing has always been a phenomenon I don’t understand (which, when looking back at this blog, is just another piece of evidence to suggest that there are few things in this world that I do understand). Now if you know me, you know I love music. On a summer day, the right music can make the sun brighter, the sky bluer, the mood greater. When I’m feeling mad, some hardcore or metal is just what I need to scream out my aggressions. When I’m sad, music tells me that there’s always someone out there that can relate to what I’m going through. And when I’m going to bed, a relaxing album clears my mind and puts me at ease so I can sleep. For every mood (turn turn turn) there is a music (turn turn turn).

That said, the concept of that music invading my body and making me flail my limbs all over is a strange one. Sure, I’ll nod my head, maybe bust out a little air guitar or drums. But to go out onto a dance floor and dance? I can’t do it. I get all self conscious, and I forget how my brain controls my body. Basically I look like I’m having an extremely minor epileptic seizure.

I went to a country bar last night (don’t ask), and I was struck by an amusing realization: White people can’t dance! They can’t! If you see a white person dancing, that person has some kind of other blood running through their veins that gave them the dancing gene. That’s why white people made up the two dances I saw last night. There’s the two step, which is where two people hold onto each other and walk funny in a circle. It’s like a weird slow mosh pit. It looks like roller skating without the skates, they way they walk funny around the edge of the dance floor. More experienced two steppers can twirl each other, and there were a few confused souls trying to find a place to swing dance now that everyone realized swing music died for a reason, who would dip their partners and do some strange pushes and pulls.

The other dance I saw was the line dance, that whitest of all dances. It seems that because white people are incapable of dancing on their own, they had to invent rigid dances that have certain steps that happen at certain times. Not to say it doesn’t require some sort of talent, or at least memorization. I watched them and couldn’t figure out what they’re doing. Basically it all looks like the Macarena. They move around a little bit, then they turn, and they move around a little bit, then they turn, etc. Depending on the song, the move could be a strange bunny hopping motion, or a hip swivel, or just stepping from side to side. Turn. Repeat.

My country music knowledge is limited to about three Garth Brooks songs, and whatever songs Me First and the Gimme Gimmes covered on their Love Their Country album. When I was a kid, my dad told me that I would start to appreciate country music as I got older. After sitting and listening to it for 90 minutes, I can tell you that I just don’t see myself relating any more to songs about pickup trucks and one eyed dogs and being a country boy as I get older. Sorry. I did recognize two songs. That one that goes “I’m much too young to feel this damn old,” which several punk bands covered, and “Wagon Wheel,” which Against Me! (or more accurately, Tom Gabel) covered. My other observation is that being in a room made up of 100% white people (lie! There was one Asian guy who obviously got lost and stumbled in there for shelter from the cold), and watching all these guys wearing tight jeans with big belt buckles in plaid shirts and cowboy hats over short haircuts, is really hilarious. I love stereotypes that turn out to be completely accurate!

Finally, I’ve been watching American Idol for the first (and last) time ever this season, because I wanted to see what all the hullaballoo was about with this show. And since Simon is leaving, I wanted to get the real deal. (ed note: the real reason Adam is watching is because he’s an Ellen superfan) My problems with this show are numerous. First, the audition rounds are awful. While it’s fun at first to watch bad people try to sing, after two weeks of it, I get it. A lot of people have a lot of time on their hands. Second, there is SO much filler in the early rounds of the show. When watching a singing competition, I want to see people sing, not have half the show filled up with lame sob stories about how one time the contestant’s dog died and ever since that day she’s been singing for Rufus. I don’t give a shit about these people, I just want them to entertain me, clowns! Third, America sucks. They consistently vote off the most interesting people on the show and keep on the doey eyed teen heartthrobs. Lily Scott, perhaps the most interesting singer in the bunch (she sang a Patsy Cline song last week and made it seem relevant, for Christ’s sake!) was kicked off this week in favor of a 17 year old who hasn’t hit a good note in three weeks. My complete distaste for pop music (except Single Ladies!) obviously factors into my annoyance with America. Any country that can make Ke$ha popular should have no right to vote in a talent show.

It's the time of year again! Adam Goes to the Oscars!

Editor's Note: Adam doesn't actually go to the Oscars. Nor has he seen many of the movies he's going to talk about. Please don't take any of this seriously.

Okay folks, who wants to explain to me what the point of having 10 movies nominated for best picture was? It seems to me that every year, there are one or two movies that legitimately have a shot at winning. So it's not like these five extra movies brought any added drama to the proceedings. I will list these five movies that had no shot at winning now:

1. Up: It was a cute animated movie, and the opening section was one of the greatest things ever put to film. But, it was an ANIMATED movie, and nobody takes them seriously. Also, The Fantastic Mr. Fox was better.

2. A Serious Man: I love the Coen Brothers as much as the next guy, but seriously? All because they made a movie this year doesn't mean it should be up for best picture.

3. Inglourious Basterds: This was a great movie, suspenseful from start to finish, and full of exquisite dialog. That said, it was also directed by Quentin Tarantino and didn't have any poor black people, oppressed blue people, come from behind football players, modern military action, or George Clooney, so while it was cute to nominate it, it was also a waste of time.

4. An Education: If this movie was as boring as its title, then I assume it was nominated so that the Academy could be like "See? We don't only nominate blockbusters!"

5. District 9: It's science fiction. Give me a break.

So, did you guys see that for some reason there were other movies up against Avatar in the Visual Effects category? That's like going up against George Clooney in the George Clooney Lookalike category.

How about those short films? Can you believe that the one that won the animated one won? I thought one of those other ones would! And don't even get me started about the live action ones. My goodness. What was the Academy thinking?

Documentaries. They give awards to these things, like anyone watches them. Who ever heard of Burma VJ? Is Burma even a real place? People march. Then there are people killing dolphins in Japan. Call me when they're putting dolphins in Toyotas and asking them to try to stop their cars. And Food Inc? Are we really still stuck on this bullshit? I've heard, food is gross. That said, I don't know how to farm, so I am more than happy to eat whatever they put into things. Hot dogs are made from "meat jelly," horse hooves, and mixed testicles? Sounds fine to me!

What was up with Miley Cyrus's boobs? They were falling out of that dress! Aren't we supposed to be outraged when people who were on the Disney channel show skin? I don't want my kids watching that shit. Next thing I know my nonexistent kids will be smoking meth out of each other's asses and having unprotected sex with animals.

Okay, now on to the other best picture nominees.

6. Up in the Air: One of the most purely entertaining movies I saw last year, but it just didn't have that hook. Purely entertaining will never beat movies that have some topicality.

7. The Blind Side: Great. White people take in a black kid and make him successful. Racism is awesome, and so are bad southern accents and come from behind stories about football.

8. Precious: There are two reasons I never had any desire to see this movie. First, it insists on telling you in its title what novel it was based on. LAME! Second, everyone involved with this movie acted like it changed their lives, and that much self-congratulating and bullshitting usually only results in movies that try to be so much more important than they are, like Crash, which may be the worst best picture winner EVER.

9. Avatar: Why can't a movie balance being totally sick-ass awesome visually AND plot wise? Side note: Did you know this was racist? Because the white guy had to go in and save the blue guys. Now that you see how obviously racist this movie was, don't you regret making it the highest grossing movie ever? Actually, the white guy had to become one of the blue guys to win... and the blue guys are the good guys... but James Cameron is a racist, let's face facts.

10. The Hurt Locker: This might be the only time you ever hear this, but... Iraq FTW!

Best part of the whole thing: The dude finally has a statue. That should really tie the room together.

I've made a couple interesting discoveries using the automated word-creating function thing with text messages. (That's the technical term for it, by the way. "Automated word-creating function thing.") For instance, if you type in "convert," the first thing that pops up is "contest." See, even text messaging software knows that converting people to a certain religion is a contest. (Bad joke. Boos are an appropriate reaction. My material gets better, though.) I think I've already mentioned the Brian = Asian thing, which is just odd. But the best one is that if you type in "book," it'll come up "cool." Thus definitively proving that reading is, in fact, hip, jive, neat-o, madd kewlz.

The Academy Awards are tonight. I'm somewhat interested in watching, but, alas, my poor little rabbit ears don't pick up ABC. Of the 92 movies nominated for best picture, I've seen five: Avatar, The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Up, and Up in the Air. I wanted to see Precious, I just never got around to it. (And we all know that, once the Oscars are over, that opportunity is lost and gone forever.) Avatar was flashy with no substance. The Hurt Locker was suspenseful with no grounding in reality. Inglorious Basterds is my favorite of the lot and a solid movie all around. Up was good-but-not-great. And Up in the Air was kind of a disappointment, to me. (Jason Reitman, what's the deal? I loved Thank You For Smoking. Juno was a mess, but I blame that mostly on Diablo Cody's script. And Up in the Air was just... I don't know, too George Clooney-y.) So what be your pick for tonight's winner? I'm expecting a shocking turn of a events when Couples Retreat gets entered as a last-minute addition to all the categories and becomes the first film in history to sweep every single award.

I recently heard U2's cover of The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody." I almost threw up through my ears. Aside from being biologically impossible, it also would've been extremely gross. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Instead, I just cringed my way through a minute and a half of the song before having to turn it off. Now, I'm generally pro-cover. I like the idea of an artist taking a song he or she enjoys and putting his or her own spin on it. And I find it works really well for smaller, less-well-known songs. Bad Astronaut covering Armchair Martian is fantastic. The 2005 Believer CD of indie artists covering indie artists is very enjoyable. But I guess the problem comes with covering iconic, canonical songs. Those prove to be uncoverable.

Evidence #1: The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody." Thanks to YouTube, I found a handful of covers: Elvis, Roy Orbison, The Supremes, LeAnn Rimes, and the Platters. I only made it through to the end of one of them. Place your bets now. Let me say that, compared to U2's monstrosity, they're all better covers, just not great. Elvis has a good voice, but it doesn't quite work for the song. Nor does Roy Orbison's voice. The Platters slowed the tempo way down so that it makes the track kind of boring. LeAnn Rimes does a decent job, but they threw in a couple superfluous country-ish things that I didn't like. So yes, it was The Supremes' cover that I made it to the end of. Diana Ross handled the song well, for sure. But if I'm honest with myself, I would never choose The Supremes' version over the original. The Righteous Brothers own that song.

Evidence #2: The Supremes' "Someday We'll Be Together." Speaking of The Supremes... I only found three covers -- thankfully -- which I think says something about how uncoverable this song is. First up: Bobby Darin. There's some weird Grateful Dead guitar effect going on in this version that really turns me off. Next is the Marvelettes who, even down to the name, seem like a replica of The Supremes. Vocally, this is an incredibly strong track -- maybe even better than the original's. But the production kills this song. There's way to much going on. It's an admirable effort, though. Finally, there's some dude named Jimmy Somerville who does a cover. I don't know who he is, but he's all right. Just kind of strange hearing a guy cover the song.

There are probably a few other songs I could use as evidence, but I'm kind of exhausted after looking at all those YouTube videos.

Jared Leto, we need to talk. As a close personal friend to Jared (or "Jerry" or "JL," as I like to call him), I know he reads this blog every day. Even the days we don't update, Jared Leto is here, reading old posts and laughing in that Jared Leto way.

So, Jerry. Look. I hate to be the messenger here, but you're breaking one of the cardinal rules of attractive people: you're only allowed to be good at one thing. If (as according to your IMDB trivia page) you've been selected as one of People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People in the World, you're only allowed one demonstrable skill. For most people that's acting or modeling. But you can't be both an actor AND a musician. That's just not fair. I'm not saying you can't do both -- it's nice to have hobbies -- but your band is not allowed to be successful and have world tours. Look at Kevin Bacon. He's a musician. But no one cares about his music. That's the way it should be.

(That was a long walk just to take a dig at Kevin Bacon. I apologize.)

Speaking of music, Adam, you have a USB turntable, right? That means you can convert vinyl to mp3s? If so, there are a couple 7"s I think I'll bring with me on my trip. Did you ever get the first Fingers Cut Megamachine 7"? The 4-song one? It's one of my favorite FCM releases. I'd love to have those four songs as mp3s. There's also a Races to April 7" with a song I don't think they ever made an mp3 of. And maybe a couple others, if I dig through the rest of my 7"s.

Speaking of taking digs at people, I'd like to introduce a new meme that I think could catch on like those Chuck Norris jokes. Everybody likes slander, libel, and defamation, right? Who doesn't?!?!?!?!?! Well, I've discovered that the best person to use for a slanderous statement is Ezra Pound. Non-English majors recognize the name and maybe read a poem or two of his in high school, but they wouldn't be able to tell you which one. Even English majors and poets don't seem to be terribly fond of him (I made this up just now to make my point appear stronger). Here are a few examples of ways to make this fun and exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

--When Ezra Pound goes to the bathroom, he leaves the toilet seat up. (True.)
--Ezra Pound doesn't tip when he orders delivery... even on rainy days!
--Ezra Pound translated Japanese poetry without knowing any Japanese. (This might actually be true and was the catalyst for this whole idea.)
--If you hate poetry, it's probably because of Ezra Pound.
--Ezra Pound feels prejudice towards "the ethnics."
--Ezra Pound is an odd-looking motherfucker. (This isn't slander because it's true. Do a Google image search.)

Speaking of my trip to Denver, this news story is incredibly reassuring. Especially since I'll be flying out of JFK.

Finally, speaking of sexism (because when is a post of mine NOT about sexism? [Go back to the kitchen, honey.]), if you've ever wondered if a woman could demean her entire gender within the first six seconds of an advertisement, look no further.