Dancing has always been a phenomenon I don’t understand (which, when looking back at this blog, is just another piece of evidence to suggest that there are few things in this world that I do understand). Now if you know me, you know I love music. On a summer day, the right music can make the sun brighter, the sky bluer, the mood greater. When I’m feeling mad, some hardcore or metal is just what I need to scream out my aggressions. When I’m sad, music tells me that there’s always someone out there that can relate to what I’m going through. And when I’m going to bed, a relaxing album clears my mind and puts me at ease so I can sleep. For every mood (turn turn turn) there is a music (turn turn turn).

That said, the concept of that music invading my body and making me flail my limbs all over is a strange one. Sure, I’ll nod my head, maybe bust out a little air guitar or drums. But to go out onto a dance floor and dance? I can’t do it. I get all self conscious, and I forget how my brain controls my body. Basically I look like I’m having an extremely minor epileptic seizure.

I went to a country bar last night (don’t ask), and I was struck by an amusing realization: White people can’t dance! They can’t! If you see a white person dancing, that person has some kind of other blood running through their veins that gave them the dancing gene. That’s why white people made up the two dances I saw last night. There’s the two step, which is where two people hold onto each other and walk funny in a circle. It’s like a weird slow mosh pit. It looks like roller skating without the skates, they way they walk funny around the edge of the dance floor. More experienced two steppers can twirl each other, and there were a few confused souls trying to find a place to swing dance now that everyone realized swing music died for a reason, who would dip their partners and do some strange pushes and pulls.

The other dance I saw was the line dance, that whitest of all dances. It seems that because white people are incapable of dancing on their own, they had to invent rigid dances that have certain steps that happen at certain times. Not to say it doesn’t require some sort of talent, or at least memorization. I watched them and couldn’t figure out what they’re doing. Basically it all looks like the Macarena. They move around a little bit, then they turn, and they move around a little bit, then they turn, etc. Depending on the song, the move could be a strange bunny hopping motion, or a hip swivel, or just stepping from side to side. Turn. Repeat.

My country music knowledge is limited to about three Garth Brooks songs, and whatever songs Me First and the Gimme Gimmes covered on their Love Their Country album. When I was a kid, my dad told me that I would start to appreciate country music as I got older. After sitting and listening to it for 90 minutes, I can tell you that I just don’t see myself relating any more to songs about pickup trucks and one eyed dogs and being a country boy as I get older. Sorry. I did recognize two songs. That one that goes “I’m much too young to feel this damn old,” which several punk bands covered, and “Wagon Wheel,” which Against Me! (or more accurately, Tom Gabel) covered. My other observation is that being in a room made up of 100% white people (lie! There was one Asian guy who obviously got lost and stumbled in there for shelter from the cold), and watching all these guys wearing tight jeans with big belt buckles in plaid shirts and cowboy hats over short haircuts, is really hilarious. I love stereotypes that turn out to be completely accurate!

Finally, I’ve been watching American Idol for the first (and last) time ever this season, because I wanted to see what all the hullaballoo was about with this show. And since Simon is leaving, I wanted to get the real deal. (ed note: the real reason Adam is watching is because he’s an Ellen superfan) My problems with this show are numerous. First, the audition rounds are awful. While it’s fun at first to watch bad people try to sing, after two weeks of it, I get it. A lot of people have a lot of time on their hands. Second, there is SO much filler in the early rounds of the show. When watching a singing competition, I want to see people sing, not have half the show filled up with lame sob stories about how one time the contestant’s dog died and ever since that day she’s been singing for Rufus. I don’t give a shit about these people, I just want them to entertain me, clowns! Third, America sucks. They consistently vote off the most interesting people on the show and keep on the doey eyed teen heartthrobs. Lily Scott, perhaps the most interesting singer in the bunch (she sang a Patsy Cline song last week and made it seem relevant, for Christ’s sake!) was kicked off this week in favor of a 17 year old who hasn’t hit a good note in three weeks. My complete distaste for pop music (except Single Ladies!) obviously factors into my annoyance with America. Any country that can make Ke$ha popular should have no right to vote in a talent show.