It's the time of year again! Adam Goes to the Oscars!

Editor's Note: Adam doesn't actually go to the Oscars. Nor has he seen many of the movies he's going to talk about. Please don't take any of this seriously.

Okay folks, who wants to explain to me what the point of having 10 movies nominated for best picture was? It seems to me that every year, there are one or two movies that legitimately have a shot at winning. So it's not like these five extra movies brought any added drama to the proceedings. I will list these five movies that had no shot at winning now:

1. Up: It was a cute animated movie, and the opening section was one of the greatest things ever put to film. But, it was an ANIMATED movie, and nobody takes them seriously. Also, The Fantastic Mr. Fox was better.

2. A Serious Man: I love the Coen Brothers as much as the next guy, but seriously? All because they made a movie this year doesn't mean it should be up for best picture.

3. Inglourious Basterds: This was a great movie, suspenseful from start to finish, and full of exquisite dialog. That said, it was also directed by Quentin Tarantino and didn't have any poor black people, oppressed blue people, come from behind football players, modern military action, or George Clooney, so while it was cute to nominate it, it was also a waste of time.

4. An Education: If this movie was as boring as its title, then I assume it was nominated so that the Academy could be like "See? We don't only nominate blockbusters!"

5. District 9: It's science fiction. Give me a break.

So, did you guys see that for some reason there were other movies up against Avatar in the Visual Effects category? That's like going up against George Clooney in the George Clooney Lookalike category.

How about those short films? Can you believe that the one that won the animated one won? I thought one of those other ones would! And don't even get me started about the live action ones. My goodness. What was the Academy thinking?

Documentaries. They give awards to these things, like anyone watches them. Who ever heard of Burma VJ? Is Burma even a real place? People march. Then there are people killing dolphins in Japan. Call me when they're putting dolphins in Toyotas and asking them to try to stop their cars. And Food Inc? Are we really still stuck on this bullshit? I've heard, food is gross. That said, I don't know how to farm, so I am more than happy to eat whatever they put into things. Hot dogs are made from "meat jelly," horse hooves, and mixed testicles? Sounds fine to me!

What was up with Miley Cyrus's boobs? They were falling out of that dress! Aren't we supposed to be outraged when people who were on the Disney channel show skin? I don't want my kids watching that shit. Next thing I know my nonexistent kids will be smoking meth out of each other's asses and having unprotected sex with animals.

Okay, now on to the other best picture nominees.

6. Up in the Air: One of the most purely entertaining movies I saw last year, but it just didn't have that hook. Purely entertaining will never beat movies that have some topicality.

7. The Blind Side: Great. White people take in a black kid and make him successful. Racism is awesome, and so are bad southern accents and come from behind stories about football.

8. Precious: There are two reasons I never had any desire to see this movie. First, it insists on telling you in its title what novel it was based on. LAME! Second, everyone involved with this movie acted like it changed their lives, and that much self-congratulating and bullshitting usually only results in movies that try to be so much more important than they are, like Crash, which may be the worst best picture winner EVER.

9. Avatar: Why can't a movie balance being totally sick-ass awesome visually AND plot wise? Side note: Did you know this was racist? Because the white guy had to go in and save the blue guys. Now that you see how obviously racist this movie was, don't you regret making it the highest grossing movie ever? Actually, the white guy had to become one of the blue guys to win... and the blue guys are the good guys... but James Cameron is a racist, let's face facts.

10. The Hurt Locker: This might be the only time you ever hear this, but... Iraq FTW!

Best part of the whole thing: The dude finally has a statue. That should really tie the room together.