You know, I'm kind of getting tired of bikers. Bicyclists. Whatever the PC term for them is these days. I kind of get the feeling they think they're better than me. Well you know who else rides bicycles? The Chinese. And they kill female babies. So just think about the company you keep, bicyclists, next time you're all cocky because you're getting exercise and saving the environment.

I used the f-word a record 8 times in my last entry.

I need to talk to the people who make "Movie" movies such as Date Movie and Scary Movie. Having recently watched Scary Movie 4 and Date Movie, I feel like I need to write a thesis on the difference between "reference" and "parody." A parody is when you take something familiar, like a scene from another movie, and twist it into something original which makes fun and enlightens the original. A reference is when you take something familiar and be like "remember that?" and don't add anything at all to it. A "reference" is not funny. Please discontinue the use of reference if you want to keep passing off your movies as comedy.

I've been working on this next idea for quite a while. In my years and years and years and years of driving I have noticed certain behaviors that some drivers exhibit fairly frequently, which earns them the title of "Bad Drivers." These behaviors I will now document in the hopes of dissuading people from using them. This is...

Adam's Driving School:
1. When you see a turn lane and you need to turn, get into it. The turn lane is a lane for a reason, so that people who want to turn can line up behind each other and not hold up traffic. Under no circumstances should you wait until you get up to the turn, or even until the turn lane is half past, before you get over. Get over as soon as the turn lane forms.
2. On the same token, when you're approaching a turn lane and are going to turn, get into the turn lane before you start to brake. Turn your wheel sharply to get over, don't sit there drifting between lanes for fifteen seconds. And once you're in the turn lane, slow down. Under no circumstances should you begin braking while still in the main road. The purpose of a turn lane is also for deceleration. If you slow down while still in the main road, you will cause other people to hate you.
3. Use your blinkers. I realize that this can be a daunting task because to use blinkers you have to move one of your fingers that are already on the steering wheel slightly, but if you'd like to not get into accidents, you need to tell people where you're going. If you're at a four way stop and you need to turn left, place you left blinker on. This will let the person across from you know that you're not going straight, and therefore he won't go while you go, and therefore you won't get hit in the side. If you don't use blinkers, I will follow you home and pull a citizen's arrest on your driver's license.
4. If you're driving down the highway and someone is six inches behind you, survey your surroundings. Are you in the left lane? Are you driving the speed limit or slower? If so, then you are encountering the international symbol for "Get the hell into the slow lane, you slow bastard." At this point, get into the slow lane, which is the rightmost lane on the highway.
5. On the other side of the coin, if you are riding someone's ass, you had better be planning on going faster than them for the forseeable future. Under no circumstances should you ride someone's ass, then pass them, get in front of them, and slow way down. It is not necessary to always be in the front of the line.
6. If your cruise control is set to 61 and you need to get into the fast lane to pass someone whose cruise control is set to 60, you need to speed up. Passing when going one mile an hour faster than someone will take days, and the people who want to do 65 or 70 will want to hurt you and your family if you cause them to wait for you to pass someone for a week.
7. Turning your blinker on as soon as you start going down an onramp onto the highway will not help you merge into traffic if you're still doing 40 when you hit the highway. Instead of preemptively blinkering, try speeding up to highway speed on the onramp. That is, after all, what it is for. If you are one of the people who cruises down the onramp at 35 and then hit the traffic moving 75 on the highway, you should know that you are the person who causes accidents and traffic jams, as everyone has to slow down while you think about hitting the gas.
8. When you turn onto a new street, you have to pick a lane immediately. You are not allowed to drive on top of the lane dividing lines while you think about the pros and cons of each lane.
9. I kind of stated this earlier, but if you need to change lanes, change lanes. Blinker it, and then go for the switch. You should be in a new lane in less than two seconds. If you're still working on getting into the new lane 10 seconds later, you are a bad driver.
10. Put your makeup on and read your paper and eat your breakfast before you get in the car so we don’t have to honk at you when the light turns green. Also, you can estimate when the light will turn green by watching other cars. When the cars going perpendicular to you stop moving, you can bet that your turn is coming soon. Pay attention when you're at a red light, and when you're driving in general, and everyone's day on the road will go much smoother.
11. There's no need to have 15 furlongs between you and the guy in front of you when turning left on a green turn arrow. When he goes, you can go and stay right behind him. That way, instead of having three cars get through a turn arrow, eight cars can go. It's amazing.
12. A right turn does not imply a stop sign. You are allowed at a green light or at no light to keep moving when you turn right. Your car will not roll over if you turn at some speed. Don't turn at like 70, but you really really don't need to bring traffic to a grinding halt to turn gently onto your street.
13. If you see a sign that says that the left lane is closed in 1000 feet, you should get to the right within the next couple hundred. If you wait 998 feet to get over because you can fly by all the slow movers in the right lane, you're an asshole and you're going to hell.
14. If you see one of these guys who flies all the way down to where the lane is actually closed and then expects to be let in, you must get 3 inches behind the guy in front of you to not let him in. People like that need to be forced to wait until every single car has gone by. In this situation there should be an unbreakable line of cars to punish this guy for thinking he's allowed to bypass traffic like that. Ideally the wait should be two to three hours for the guy. Once you're comfortable enough with driving three inches behind the car in front of you, you can add a nice touch like looking at the guy in the left lane and smiling as you crawl by him.
15. The horn is for alerting people of something they might not be aware of, like if a light has turned green and the person in front of you has not moved for 5-10 seconds. Press it gently and only for a second, and then let go. Repeat as needed until the person has moved. The horn is not for expressing anger, nor for saying hello to someone you know. Please cut down on noise pollution and stop honking at every single thing that happens on the road.

I'm sure there are more, but that's my list so far. If you have any of your own tips, go ahead and post them in the comments.

F-word count for this post: 0

I sure have cleaned up my act. Until next time, you have a wonderful life.

It occurred to me last night that the sound of a faraway train at night is one of the most haunting, beautiful, comforting things in the world. I don't know what it is, but that mournful wail as the beast moves past off into the darkness is just... great. I love it. Maybe it reminds me of my grandparents' house or something, but I just love it.

That said, let me tell you what is going down. The end of the world may be near, but Jesus will not be making an appearance. I mean, when you're getting stood up by someone, how long do you wait? An hour, maybe a little longer if you're really desperate? Jesus must be absolutely wonderful in bed if you're still waiting for him to show up two thousand years later. But I got news for you... he's found someone else. He's not showing up. I'm sorry.

That said, let me tell you about Mel Gibson. He's a racist, anti-semetic ass. There, simple as that. I have really just two things to say about that, then something to say about celebrities in general.

1. Alcohol does not make you say things you don't mean. Sure, it may make you say "I love you" when you don't mean it in the romantic sense, but you may just mean "I (want to make) love (to) you." Close enough. But when you say "Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," I don't think what you're trying to say is "(I want to be) fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for (great sex, which I want to have). What you're saying is that you're a racist ass who thinks he's fucking Jesus.

1b. All because you can act (read: pretend to be someone you're not [read: lie well]) doesn't mean you get to preach to people, so please stop telling us how to think and feel, and for the love of God, stop making movies about Jesus.

1c. When that Jesus movie came out I remember people saying it renewed their faith. I find it sad that faith can be swayed by Mel Gibson, who hates Jews. What this says to me is that, by proxy, the people who said the Passion of the Christ renewed their faith hate jews, but love driving drunk. Just like their Lord and Savior, Mel Gibson!

2. I'm sick and tired of people getting pulled over for driving drunk and then saying "I am an alcoholic, pity me!" You know what that gets you, if say you show up drunk to work one day and pull the "I'm an alcoholic" line? It gets you fired. So Mel Gibson, what you should be saying if you want to win my forgiveness, is "I'm a fucking ass. I put other people's lives in danger because I'm too cool to call a taxi after I've been drinking. I do stupid things, and I don't deserve pity, because I'm a racist, a bigot, an anti-semite, and a person who should know better, especially considering the sway I have in people's lives because of my (undeserved) position in society." But maybe what I should be pulling from this story is that Jesus is a drunk driving Jew hater. I had no idea. Thanks, Mel!

My thing I have to say about celebrities is pointed towards Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, and basically all other celebrities. Shut the fuck up and make movies. Please. You're stupid, weird, and all because you have media exposure doesn't mean you get to say all this crazy shit. If any of us normal folks said half the shit you say, we'd be locked up in the loony bin. If you don't shut the fuck up, I won't be able to watch movies anymore. I can't watch Signs without seeing a crazy drunk Neo-Nazi, and I can't watch any Tom Cruise movies with a straight face. Please, for all moviegoers... shut up. That is all.

I have a thing or two to say about religion as well. I don't like it or subscribe to the idea, because it's not Jews causing all the wars, it's religion. That's a fact. But what is also a fact is that for normal, everyday people that I have met throughout my life, religion is a calming, consoling institution. I have met people in recent months who through their faith in God have been carried hopeful through deaths, car crashes, and other devastating things that would put me in a terrible mood. They say things like "God is still good" or "I figure this is a test" and other things like that that I don't really understand, but just hearing the amount of consolation that religion gives these people really lifts my mood and calms me. As in many other facets of life, there is a difference between the institution and the common man. I cannot stand the institution of religion, as it does nothing but foster hate between people. But more and more, I am coming to appreciate the common man's understanding of religion, as it seems to foster inner peace, which produces outer peace. The Christians I meet in my daily life are among the most pleasant people to talk with. The Chrisian Church is a hate mongering institution. I don't really understand this whole idea myself, but I find it very interesting.

One last thing I think I've decided about apathy. I find myself very apathetic towards what's happening in the Middle East because I'm just tired of it. Let the fuckers kill themselves. They've been doing it for thousands of years. I think they like it. If they didn't like it, they'd stop. I think Americans are apathetic about things that happen far away because we have more important things to worry about, like our daily lives. I'm sorry innocent people die far away, but I don't know them, and honestly, I don't really care about them. If that makes me insensitive or apathetic, so be it, but I can't care about every single thing in the world. They made the problem, they can solve it, either through peace like people, or through a nuclear bomb like barbarians. Either way, I'll keep watching to see what happens, but honestly, what I'm going to have for dinner tomorrow matters more to me than what happens over there. Does that make me a bad person or do you kind of deep down feel that way too?

See ya! Wouldn't want to smell ya!