It’s Summer, and you know what that means: Nothing is on TV. You could go outside, but it’s hot and there are bugs out there. Instead, why doesn’t someone make some of these new shows that I have come up with?

Survivor Bachelor – One man and 12 women are forced to live on an island for 90 days. Instead of getting roses, the women who don’t get eaten are the ones the bachelor wants to continue “dating.” The last surviving woman wins $10,000 and is forced to marry the bachelor, so they have someone who will understand the unspeakable horrors they witnessed and were a part of.

Bottom Chef – 17 contestants from all over the country are picked, who have little to no experience cooking, and go through the same challenges they go through on Top Chef. Expect a lot less purees, souvees, and other French words; and a lot more variations on sandwiches and mac and cheese. It’s like Top Chef, except you can actually relate to it.

VAMPIORS – Since we are right at the crest of the vampire craze in this country, it would probably make sense for someone to try a show about them. They could live among humans, or like in a gated community. They could be teenagers, or middle aged. They could go out in the sun or not. Really, as long as they have slightly elongated canine teeth, that’s probably good. I’m surprised no one has taken advantage of this idea yet.

Oil Spill LIVE with Regis and Kelly – Take Regis and Kelly, or whoever his counterpart is these days, and put them in a robot drilling machine, and have them interview celebrities or whatever they do, but have them do it down by the oil spill. I don’t think the oil spill has gotten enough publicity recently, and this would certainly help people remember what a horrifying and dangerous world we live in, while simultaneously being amazed that Regis is still allowed to be on TV.

Newspaper at 7 – Any local channel could do this show. Have someone read the newspaper on TV. We’ve all been hearing that newspapers are dying out, but TV sure as shit isn’t going anywhere. So what better way to bring newspapers into the 21st century than have them read on TV in glorious high definition? To captivate the young male audience, the presenter can hold the bra ads up to the camera for a few seconds.

The Hills of the City of Beverly Hills 90210’s Real Desperate Housewives of The Jersey Shore – Take all the people who have been on any of these shows and put them into a house with no exit, filled with booby traps and AK-47’s. And just see what happens!

B&A Records – Two wise cracking twenty-somethings who for some reason own a record store that hasn’t gone out of business stand around and make fun of customers for 22 minutes. They work close to a sandwich restaurant which closely resembles Subway, and they go there for lunch. On second thought, that’s a terrible idea for a show.

Dear True Blood,

What has become of you? You were a fun little show about vampires that had gratuitous violence and nudity every episode. That first season, where we were looking for the murderer in Bon Temps, that was some of the most fun I've had watching TV in a while. Remember how you were just like a cool show that just happened to have vampires in it? It wasn't even like you were shoving the vampires in my face, being all like "LOOK AT VAMPIERS!" or anything back in those days. Maybe it was because the vampires had just come out, and thanks to the drink True Blood, they were able to exist without feeding on people. There was this tense, almost cease-fire balance between vampires and humans, echoing the desegregation era in American history. There was mystery, intrigue, and lots and lots of violence and sex.

Our second get together was pretty fun, too. That crazy Marianne with her bull head and freaky horns. The shapeshifters. Sure, we kind of left behind the whole family dynamic that Sookie and her brother and friend had, but it was okay. The whole social commentary aspect was kind of gone, too, but it was still fun to watch all these dummies get corrupted by Marianne. And Jason getting into the crazy church, and Godric, there was a lot of good stuff! A little more ridiculous, sure, but still cool.

But now, on our third date, I feel like I might as well be watching Twilight, what with the vampires, the werewolves, and all the mopey mopeitty moping going on. This is my impression of your new season so far:

SOOKIE: MOPE MOPE MOPE Where's Bill? MOPE MOPE MOPE

BILL: MOPE MOPE I am taken away from my love and held hostage MOPE BE KIND OF AWESOME MOPE

TARA: MOPE MOPE I have nothing to live for because I'm a useless waste of time pain in the ass who never does anything. MOPE MOPE

SAM: MOPE MOPE My family is a bunch of jerks and I wish I'd never found them. MOPE MOPE MOPE

ALCIDE: MOPE MOPE My lady is a whore and I wish she wasn't. MOPE MOPE

You're five episodes in, and nothing has happened with any of these main characters. By this time last year, Marianne was making people have orgies, Godric was missing and Sookie was on the case. At this time this year, Sookie has stopped moping in Bon Temps and started moping in Mississippi. Tara the same thing. Sam found his family and they suck. Bill got kidnapped and is still kidnapped. None of the characters really seem to be going down storylines that relate to each other anymore. The werewolves don't seem fierce. There's not nearly as much good old fashioned violence or nudity. What happened to your edge?

At least your vampires can't go outside in the sun, and they're not sparkly. But still. If I wanted to watch Twilight, I'd throw my nuts in the closet and watch it. But I don't. So how'sabout you get back to what you do best: killing and screwing.

Thanks,
Adam