I've planned out my next five articles here. The first one is about ribbons apparently. I don't remember why I wrote that on this gas receipt. Yes, by planned out, I mean I wrote five words on a gas receipt that was in my car.

I guess the thing about ribbons is that I don't understand where they came from. They stand for everything, from breast cancer to the environment to supporting our troops. And moreso than regular ribbons you see these giant magnetic ribbons stuck on the back of the guy's truck with the American flag plastered all over it. Well, not so much the pink ribbons or the environment ribbons. But there are a couple thousand different shades of yellow for the support the troops ribbons.

The problem I have with ribbons is that with most of them, you're taking a stand on something which doesn't need a stand taken. Breast cancer is bad. I agree. I don't know anyone who could come up to you and go "Man, why you always gotta be so down on breast cancer?" because you're wearing a pink ribbon. You're showing your support for something for which support should be assumed. People wearing ribbons to me is like some guy who every time you see him tells you some shit you were already aware of. Like he'd walk up to you and go "Hey man, you're wearing pants and a shirt, and the sun is out today and it is quite hot." And then you go "Yeah, I already knew that." And then he'd go "Birds go chirp, breast cancer is bad, the environment is good, our troops deserve support, the earth is round, water will get you wet, if you don't breathe for an extended period of time you will suffocate, the dinosaurs are extinct." And then you go "Yeah man. I already knew that."

But people just keep popping out ribbons for everything, and they try to give you one if you're in a public place. There's a table with a mountain of pink ribbons around National Breast Cancer Day or whatever, and there's these damn people walking around sticking them in your face, poking you with the needle on the back, like "Don't you support breast cancer awareness? Don't you support breast cancer awareness?" And I go "Yes." And they go "Take my ribbon, take my ribbon!" And I go "No." And then for the rest of the day I'm surrounded by all these ribbon-wearing lemmings who can only apparently be bothered to care about breast cancer one day out of the year, because they're all proud of the fact that they were able to pin a ribbon on their shirts without stabbing themselves in the heart. And all of a sudden I look like an uncaring bastard because I hate ribbons. Because I hate ribbons, I look like I hate women, I hate the environment, and I go to bed every night with a prayer that all our troops die. When really, I just don't need some superficial symbol to remind me that there are bad things in the world that need fixing.

When did this ribbon craze start? I could actually handle it when one day a year I was asked to wear a pink ribbon. But now there's ribbons of every color for every thing. I'll tell you when the ribbon craze started in my opinion. It was when Jerry, of Jerry's Ribbons and Shit, was sitting behind his big CEO desk, and one of his henchmen came in and informed him that his swimming pool was officially full of money thanks to yellow ribbon sales. He was then asked if he would like to take a swim in his pool full of money, to which Jerry stood up and removed his clothing and ran naked, jumped in the pool of money, rolled around in his own filth for a few hours, and then came out. When he came out, he said "You know what, Jeeves? I think the American people are just dumb enough to buy ribbons thinking that they're supporting something, when really what they're doing is buying ribbons to support my coke and hooker habit!" And you know what? Jerry, of Jerry's Ribbons and Shit, is right now sitting naked in his money-pool with a hooker in his lap, and a rolled up dollar bill up his nose, pressed to a mirror on said hooker's ass. Thanks for being so supportive of everything, America!

Seriously folks, I know ribbons make you feel like you're supporting something, like you're not wasting your life not caring about anything, just rotting in your 9 to 5 job wishing you'd amounted to more, but really, you're just wasting away, rotting in your self-built prison with a piece of fabric stuck to your shirt and a magnet on your car. If you really cared about something, you'd be giving your ribbon money to research a cure for breast cancer, or you'd be out chaining yourself to a tree to keep the rainforest for being cut down, or you'd be protesting outside the White House asking Bush to bring our troops home. But that requires time and effort, and really, who cares about other people enough to actually try and make a difference? Not these cocksuckers with all the ribbons, all they care about is themselves, because all these ribbons do is feed their ego, like "Look at me, you uncaring cunts! I wear ribbons for women's rights! I wear ribbons for breast cancer! I wear ribbons for the plight of the Native Americans! I wear ribbons to support our troops! I wear ribbons to save the rainforest! I care! And now I'm going to go sit on my ass and eat McDonalds, watch American Idol, vote for my favorite, and not vote for president, because the next shitty pop singer is way more important than any of the causes I pretend to care about."

Well gee folks, I said I was going to update this like a year or two ago and then I didn't, so Brian did. And so now because I'm a giant egomaniac, I'm updating it again so I can be on top. I like being on top. Yes. Yes I do. I do indeed. I really do. Yessir. Yep. Alright.

Hey guess what time it is! It must be some kind of election time because once again the topic on everyone's lips is how we don't want queers getting married. Because of some shit that no rational person could understand. I really can see both sides of most issues. The death penalty? Yeah, I'm for it, but that's because I really do like the idea of revenge. But I can easily see the argument against it. Abortion? Yeah, I'm for it, but even though I don't agree with the other side, I can at least see where they're coming from. Legal drugs? Yeah, I'm for them, all of them, but I guess I can see how people want them to be illegal. Keep the kids safe and whatnot or something. But gay marriage? Sorry, I'm not even willing to listen to you if you think it should be illegal. Not only am I not willing to listen to you on the topic of gay marriage, I'm not willing to listen to you talk about the weather. You know why? Because you are wrong. And you are stupid and intolerant and don't deserve anything good in life. That's why.

Gay marriage boils down to one of two things. One, you really get turned on by the idea of two cocks rubbing together, but it disgusts you at the same time and kind of makes you afraid, because if it's acceptable, who's to say you won't rub your cock up against some other cock? So to repress your homosexual tendencies, you stand up tall and say "No fags getting married!" And you feel super straight because you said the word "fag" or "queer" with such fucking indignation. After all, once your friends found out you were a fag, wouldn't they kind of stop hanging out with you? Or two, you're so high and mighty that you think people who are different than you are less than human. If we can all agree that marriage is a sacred institution (which I won't agree with you, but you know, for the sake of argument...), good for families and society, why exclude a certain group of people? Because you have decided that you know what God wants, and what he wants is hatred towards certain pockets of his children. He wants a world full of heterosexuals so that... we can become more overpopulated and all starve to death? Or he wants a world full of heterosexuals so we... uh... could... have a 50%+ divorce rate? And... sacred... Wait, marriage was arranged up until fairly recently in history so that families could make more profit. It was kind of like indentured servitude for women. Marriage is a piece of paper that says "Hey, we spent thousands of dollars to prove to people that we love each other for the moment! Though give us five to ten years and we'll show you just how seriously we take this commitment!" And if that's not a SACRED INSTITUTION, I don't know what is.

Another thing that makes me proud to live in America is the fact that there are people out there who think it's totally acceptable and viable to deport millions of people because they don't speak English. When really, these good ol' boys are the ones who need to be deported, if only so that they can experience another culture, possibly realize there are people out there who speak other languages and practice other beliefs and hold other things sacred and don't have confederate flags on their Hummers with horns that play Dixie, who don't murder people because they're different, who are tolerant of differences, perhaps even curious about the rest of the world. That said, I refuse to listen to anyone who tells me that soccer is not the most boring sport on the face of the planet.

As kind of a side note to the marriage thing, it might not be a great idea to let a bunch of hardcore Christian kids plan your bachelor party. Otherwise instead of a lot of booze, boobs, and bowling, you might find yourself going to Waterworld and playing videogames. Not that that's a bad day, it's just that it's kind of not a bachelor party at all. It's just some dudes hanging out.

If there's anyone out there who doesn't own a Nintendo DS, you're missing out on the best damn handheld system ever made. It plays Gameboy games, AND it plays DS games. Like Tetris, and New Super Mario Bros, and Castlevania, and it's just like owning a Super Nintendo again, and the Super Nintendo was the happiest time of my life... Yes, I measure my life in videogame systems.

Looking for music? Consider the following:
Gomez - How We Operate: Their best album. Hands down. Finally an album without a bad song in the bunch.
Margot and the Nuclear So and So's - The Dust of Retreat: Listen to the song "Quiet as a Mouse" and tell me that's not one of the best songs you've heard in a year. Then imagine a full album just as good as that song.
Drag the River - It's Crazy: It's crazy how good this is! (booooooo) But seriously, probably the best alt-country album I've ever heard.

I signed up for Blockbuster Online and it's cool. It's a way to rent really bad and embarassing movies without anyone having to know you're doing it. On that note, if anyone ever asks you to go watch The New World with them, say no, and then never talk to them again, because that movie is unwatchably bad. I watched the whole thing just to make sure. It was 10 minutes longer than the entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but it was also 5 hours longer than that movie.

There's your update. See you soon.

So the masses have been clamoring for an update. Admittedly, they want one from Adam and not me, but, as I used to say in the third grade, tough toenails. That’s really a gross saying and I’m glad that, with age, I’ve outgrown it. Although, I just used it. Let’s move on.

How’s it going, everyone? It’s been about a year since I posted nothing worth noting. I hope everyone had a good year. Mine was pretty good.

14 Things I’m Not Entirely Sure Are to Blame for the Dumbing Down of Americans, But I Have a Hunch Probably Are:

1. American Idol
2. The T.G.I. Friday’s commercial (I think), where four guys are sitting around a table. To prove that they are manly men, the first three say, in excessively deep manly men voices, “Beef!”, “Chicken!”, and “Pork!” The fourth: “Vegetable medley!” To which he receives strange looks and must add some sort of meat element to prove his masculinity. This commercial makes me want to throw bricks at any T.G.I. Fridays I drive by.
3. George W. Bush
4. Sudoku puzzles. When did these get all popular? How’d that happen? One day I wake up and all of a sudden everyone’s obsessed over these things. And sure, they can be challenging, but the payoff of finishing a sudoku is nowhere near as great as that of finishing a crossword puzzle.
5. Donald Rumsfeld.
6. The Evolution/Intelligent Design debate. You can be religious, fine. You can be Christian, okay. But if you really think evolution doesn’t exist, I want to see you reproduce asexually. And then explain how it is we share so many chromosomes with the chimpanzees.
7. Wal-Mart
8. Bill Frist
9. Hummers. Of any variety.
10. Fox “News”
11. Dick Cheney
12. Rick Santorum
13. John Gibson
14. Ann Coulter

Interesting. Look how political that list got. And the majority of those aren’t hunches, they’re fact. But I got lazy halfway through the list and didn’t want to change the ever-so-witty title I came up with. “Look who’s the dumb American now,” you might say if you were mean and wanted to refute me. To which I would say, “Good observation! I secede my point and am now an ultra-right-wing conservative! Thanks!”

Speaking of the political, we had a few good political songs throughout the year. The Fitness Celebrity John Basedow Celebrity Interview of the Week segments pretty much stopped being about celebrities and focused on politics. Although it’s not the same without me flubbing simple chords and not being able to find the right key (and Yannos dealing with too many syllables per line), I’m gonna share a few of these, anyway.

So this first one, it was inspired by some real mature discourse from the College Republicans. They held an Animal Rights Barbeque. With plenty of meat. Tactful. In response, we had Fitness Celebrity John Basedow interview the band that we imagined would have played such an event. I forgot what we named them, but it was something dumb like Chris and the Conservatives. And the song they played for us was this (on par with the same level of discussion you’d expect from College Republicans, of course):

Global warming is a myth and I know that makes you miffed.
But too bad. Too bad.
Cause I gotta have my Hummer (all those other cars are dumber).
So too bad. Too bad.

So next time, don't tell me to get out of the shower,
even if I've been in there for well over four hours.
Cause nothing I do can harm the environment.
Your whining is just energy that's poorly spent.

Gasoline is up thirty cents. If you complain, you must be dense.
So shut up. Shut up.
That kind of attitude's not helpful, it's just bull.
So shut up. Shut up.

So next time, don't tell me to turn off all my lights,
even if they've been on consecutively for sixty nights.
Cause nothing I do can harm the environment.
Your whining is just energy that's poorly spent.

Global warming causes hurricanes? Man, you're such a pain.
The ozone isn't full of holes. It's not your brain or your soul.
To criticize Bush is unpatriotic, it's idiotic.
You must be dumb, cause you're dumb, cause you're dumb, you're so dumb.

See? It’s almost like a real Republican wrote those lyrics! Here’s one that I wrote around the time when Donald Rumsfeld was in hot water over the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners. But that quickly passed without any sort of punishment for him. Thank goodness!

Things aren't going well for our pal, Donald Rummy.
If you see him scowling, it's probably cause he's got an upset tummy.
You'd have one, too, if you had six ex-generals criticizing your job.
Especially when a couple are so young, just back from Iraq. Real heart-throbs.
So let's give him a hand, just like Bush would demand.

He's doing a fine job, we support him.
Even in this moment, when things seem grim.
Rumsfeld's doing the best that he can do,
given his limited IQ.

His foes ruthlessly claim that he ignored the Pentagon,
that he allowed torture and other such shenanigans to go on.
They're asking him to resign, to pack his bags and go.
But, for a man who anticipated insurgencies and went on anyway, that's not apropos.
He deserves an award ceremony. Just don't look and you'd see

he's doing a fine job, we support him.
Even in this moment, when things seem grim.
Rumsfeld's doing the best that he can do,
given his limited IQ.

Now, don't get us wrong, we don't hate our troops.
We just hate the people running this war, they're a bunch of nincompoops.
Bush said he's the decider. Well, he needs to go figure
a sensible way out, a clever plan (one like Tigger would),
a way to get us out of this mess.
I have a feeling it'll be addressed
in the form of Iraq,
minus the Q, plus an N.

It’s all fun and games until the end. Then it makes you think. Deep, huh? Okay, so this last one is my favorite song we did all year. It came out in response to Bush’s approval ratings, back when they hovered in the 33% range (or, as he would call them, “the good ‘ol days.”)

One more time we've been duped,
pushed out of the loop,
only getting the scoop that's false
from the media (that useless group).

I don't know why Bush's ratings are so low.
Cause we all know that he is good to go.

Just look at - well, no.
Just look at – nevermind.
There's gotta be something he's done right.

One more time we've been had.
Pessimistic reviews of our lad.
But things aren't really as bad as they say.
Just ask - well, no, don't ask his dad.

Oh gosh, could they be right about this insight?
If they are, that just might give me quite a fright.

Come on, man, help me out.
Give me a reason to believe
that Bush is on the ball,
that he's well-suited for the presidency.
Cause I just don't see it.
Not after all the horrible stuff
that we've been handed by our friends
the media (who haven’t done enough
to show us the truth.
Imagine what would happen if they
showed us the truth).

Yay. What fun. But it’s my bedtime now. We’ll have more fun later. Maybe even in less than a year.