So the masses have been clamoring for an update. Admittedly, they want one from Adam and not me, but, as I used to say in the third grade, tough toenails. That’s really a gross saying and I’m glad that, with age, I’ve outgrown it. Although, I just used it. Let’s move on.

How’s it going, everyone? It’s been about a year since I posted nothing worth noting. I hope everyone had a good year. Mine was pretty good.

14 Things I’m Not Entirely Sure Are to Blame for the Dumbing Down of Americans, But I Have a Hunch Probably Are:

1. American Idol
2. The T.G.I. Friday’s commercial (I think), where four guys are sitting around a table. To prove that they are manly men, the first three say, in excessively deep manly men voices, “Beef!”, “Chicken!”, and “Pork!” The fourth: “Vegetable medley!” To which he receives strange looks and must add some sort of meat element to prove his masculinity. This commercial makes me want to throw bricks at any T.G.I. Fridays I drive by.
3. George W. Bush
4. Sudoku puzzles. When did these get all popular? How’d that happen? One day I wake up and all of a sudden everyone’s obsessed over these things. And sure, they can be challenging, but the payoff of finishing a sudoku is nowhere near as great as that of finishing a crossword puzzle.
5. Donald Rumsfeld.
6. The Evolution/Intelligent Design debate. You can be religious, fine. You can be Christian, okay. But if you really think evolution doesn’t exist, I want to see you reproduce asexually. And then explain how it is we share so many chromosomes with the chimpanzees.
7. Wal-Mart
8. Bill Frist
9. Hummers. Of any variety.
10. Fox “News”
11. Dick Cheney
12. Rick Santorum
13. John Gibson
14. Ann Coulter

Interesting. Look how political that list got. And the majority of those aren’t hunches, they’re fact. But I got lazy halfway through the list and didn’t want to change the ever-so-witty title I came up with. “Look who’s the dumb American now,” you might say if you were mean and wanted to refute me. To which I would say, “Good observation! I secede my point and am now an ultra-right-wing conservative! Thanks!”

Speaking of the political, we had a few good political songs throughout the year. The Fitness Celebrity John Basedow Celebrity Interview of the Week segments pretty much stopped being about celebrities and focused on politics. Although it’s not the same without me flubbing simple chords and not being able to find the right key (and Yannos dealing with too many syllables per line), I’m gonna share a few of these, anyway.

So this first one, it was inspired by some real mature discourse from the College Republicans. They held an Animal Rights Barbeque. With plenty of meat. Tactful. In response, we had Fitness Celebrity John Basedow interview the band that we imagined would have played such an event. I forgot what we named them, but it was something dumb like Chris and the Conservatives. And the song they played for us was this (on par with the same level of discussion you’d expect from College Republicans, of course):

Global warming is a myth and I know that makes you miffed.
But too bad. Too bad.
Cause I gotta have my Hummer (all those other cars are dumber).
So too bad. Too bad.

So next time, don't tell me to get out of the shower,
even if I've been in there for well over four hours.
Cause nothing I do can harm the environment.
Your whining is just energy that's poorly spent.

Gasoline is up thirty cents. If you complain, you must be dense.
So shut up. Shut up.
That kind of attitude's not helpful, it's just bull.
So shut up. Shut up.

So next time, don't tell me to turn off all my lights,
even if they've been on consecutively for sixty nights.
Cause nothing I do can harm the environment.
Your whining is just energy that's poorly spent.

Global warming causes hurricanes? Man, you're such a pain.
The ozone isn't full of holes. It's not your brain or your soul.
To criticize Bush is unpatriotic, it's idiotic.
You must be dumb, cause you're dumb, cause you're dumb, you're so dumb.

See? It’s almost like a real Republican wrote those lyrics! Here’s one that I wrote around the time when Donald Rumsfeld was in hot water over the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners. But that quickly passed without any sort of punishment for him. Thank goodness!

Things aren't going well for our pal, Donald Rummy.
If you see him scowling, it's probably cause he's got an upset tummy.
You'd have one, too, if you had six ex-generals criticizing your job.
Especially when a couple are so young, just back from Iraq. Real heart-throbs.
So let's give him a hand, just like Bush would demand.

He's doing a fine job, we support him.
Even in this moment, when things seem grim.
Rumsfeld's doing the best that he can do,
given his limited IQ.

His foes ruthlessly claim that he ignored the Pentagon,
that he allowed torture and other such shenanigans to go on.
They're asking him to resign, to pack his bags and go.
But, for a man who anticipated insurgencies and went on anyway, that's not apropos.
He deserves an award ceremony. Just don't look and you'd see

he's doing a fine job, we support him.
Even in this moment, when things seem grim.
Rumsfeld's doing the best that he can do,
given his limited IQ.

Now, don't get us wrong, we don't hate our troops.
We just hate the people running this war, they're a bunch of nincompoops.
Bush said he's the decider. Well, he needs to go figure
a sensible way out, a clever plan (one like Tigger would),
a way to get us out of this mess.
I have a feeling it'll be addressed
in the form of Iraq,
minus the Q, plus an N.

It’s all fun and games until the end. Then it makes you think. Deep, huh? Okay, so this last one is my favorite song we did all year. It came out in response to Bush’s approval ratings, back when they hovered in the 33% range (or, as he would call them, “the good ‘ol days.”)

One more time we've been duped,
pushed out of the loop,
only getting the scoop that's false
from the media (that useless group).

I don't know why Bush's ratings are so low.
Cause we all know that he is good to go.

Just look at - well, no.
Just look at – nevermind.
There's gotta be something he's done right.

One more time we've been had.
Pessimistic reviews of our lad.
But things aren't really as bad as they say.
Just ask - well, no, don't ask his dad.

Oh gosh, could they be right about this insight?
If they are, that just might give me quite a fright.

Come on, man, help me out.
Give me a reason to believe
that Bush is on the ball,
that he's well-suited for the presidency.
Cause I just don't see it.
Not after all the horrible stuff
that we've been handed by our friends
the media (who haven’t done enough
to show us the truth.
Imagine what would happen if they
showed us the truth).

Yay. What fun. But it’s my bedtime now. We’ll have more fun later. Maybe even in less than a year.