Monday, June 21, 2004

Doesn't the music during the Xtreme Bowflex commercial (not "Extreme," mind you, since 1. That's not cool and 2. That first E is a bitch to add in) sound like really, really, really bad porn music? The answer is "yes."

So I've decided there's one person that everyone (young or old, male or female, liberal or conservative) could agree should just go away forever: Donny Osmond. I can't imagine anyone five years from now going, "Boy, I'm really sad that Donny Osmond isn't around anymore." I mean, who likes this guy? Actually, I think the more important question is: Why would you like that guy?

Bad Santa looked like it would be just about the worst movie in the world. And now I have to watch commercials for it again, now that the DVD is coming out and it's Badder Santa. It's like they're admitting that this bad movie is now worse. Somehow.

Reno 911! was just on (a fairly okay show) and one of the characters referenced Encyclopedia Brown. That's awesome. I remember those books from way back when. I only had one, I think, maybe two, and I didn't even read them all that often, but still, that's great. And check out that diction: "referenced" right before "Encyclopedia." Man, that's good writing.

I think this has been the most random post I've made. Chickenpox wasn't fun.

I want to be like this guy Rich at work. He's something like 48 years old but acts like 20 year old. He's getting all excited about Pitch Black coming out (okay, that was a bad example of how cool he is), he's telling me how he stays up until 6 in the morning and wakes up at 3 in the afternoon. He's not worried about making something of himself in the world. He's been working for Papa John's something like 10 years now, and he seems to enjoy it. And that's really all I want, is just to be happy doing whatever I'm doing 20, 30 years from now. Even if it's something stupid like delivering pizzas.

You know what annoys the shit out of me? When I'm making myself a nice sandwich for lunch and I grab the stack of sliced cheese from the deli, only to discover that the slices of cheese are about as wide as a strand of hair. And I try to peel the top slice off the stack, but it's so thin that I break of a miniscule little piece instead of the whole slice of cheese. Then, working off that, I try to peel the rest of the slice off, but it takes forever since I can't get a clean grasp on the slice of cheese. Fifteen minutes later, I've got my slice of cheese finally on my piece of bread, but it's not a nice square slice, it's a bunch of these tiny little bits and pieces I've plastered together. Yeah, that shit's not cool. What's also not cool is the fact that probably no one has ever had this happen to them but me.

All right, enough randomness. I'm out of here. However, I will leave you with this thought: Apparently this new green ketchup stuff is doing okay. At least, I haven't heard reports to the contrary. So, if, in some crazy publicity stunt, pickles were dyed red, would you buy them?

Friday, June 11, 2004

Yo. I am back. And better than ever. Or at least not worse than before. Okay, maybe a little worse. But generally the same. The reason for my extended absence is long and complicated, involving a great white shark, three (not one or two) lazer battles with invading aliens, a cupcake, Rainbow Brite, some Valium, more than a healthy amount of Viagra, and tons upon tons of explosives. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say it was an exciting time in my life. After all that got finished the internet went out here and we went to my grandma's house, which is not exactly internet friendly. A lightning storm killed our internet. So we got back from grandma's house and the internet was still broken. So I called our local Comcast representative (in India) and he answered in a well trained American, but still very recognizably Indian accent, and told me his name was William. I don't know many people from that area of the world, but I'm pretty sure William is not a common name there. But hey, what do I know. So then the guy came to fix it today (we'll call him Keith, because that's his name) and I couldn't understand a word he was saying even though his native language is English. And I'm not being racist or anything, maybe he couldn't understand me. So I made some guesses about what the hell he was talking about and soon enough we had a new modem and the internet was back. So to celebrate this glorious occasion, I'm writing this.

This is a good room. It's big and it's private. It is spacious and has a big comfy bed. It never gets light. It is the perfect bedroom except for all the bugs. Leslie calls me a wuss but seriously, there's a crapload of bugs down here and I'm sure that they feed on my soul while I sleep. Spiders the likes of which you've never seen, and little flying bugs that walk on the monitor. I think I saw one of the spiders eating a neighborhood cat the other day. I think this weekend the bugs will meet Mr. Vacuum (I won the spelling bee in third or fourth grade on that word). Then we'll see who's boss.

If anyone has an opinion on flautas, the mexican food, I would like that opinion. I'd like to try them, but I don't want it to suck.

New stuff? Why yes, I do have some. Audio Karate's new CD, Rancid's first CD, and Eurotrip on DVD. And now my money will begin to be saved for Leslie's trip because she might not have the money at hand to buy a ticket to come out here. I know what you're saying, Cam, she's trying to scam me into paying for her ticket. And that may well be. But it's a chance I'll have to take. I'd set up a Paypal account for donations if you all weren't such cheap bastards. And if I had any idea how to do that. But she promises she'll pay me back, so we'll see.

Still no job. It ain't happening. I developed a theory not too long ago. Places won't hire me because I'm ugly. Employers know that everyone likes good looking people. And if a place has an entire staff comprised of models and porn stars, people will come back because they like looking at them. Nobody likes looking at me, and the employers know that. I won't bring business back. So I'm developing a bill to propose to Congress about equal rights for ugly people. If anyone else wants in to my project, I'd love the help.

Ronal Reagan is dead. His funeral is on TV on 9 channels every day like 24 hours a day. This is ridiculous. Leslie's mom was yelling about it in the background on the phone tonight and I talked to her about how I was mad about it too. That was weird. But yeah, it's overkill. I could maybe watch some hilights, sportscenter style at night, but the live coverage of a casket draped in a flag being marched down the street at 2 miles an hour is just too much. Presidents don't die every day, but neither do astronauts, and astronauts don't take up all the TV time. That's it for now.

Monday, June 07, 2004

It has come to my attention that it's been a while since I've posted a link that none of you will go to. Well, that's all about to change.

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots for the week of June 7, 2004. There you go. Read and laugh at the stupidity. Or get disgusted by it. Maybe you can laugh and get disgusted at the same time. I've yet to check out the rest of the site, but if it's good, I'll be sure to maybe possibly let you know.

So the delivery job is officially underway. Yesterday was my first day, and it was pretty good. The 5 hour shift went by pretty fast, but there was just enough down-time to rest and relax a bit. I think I've finally found a summer job I won't mind doing again over winter break. Of course, it's still super early to tell, but still. First day was good, and that's more than I can say about Shoppers.

Re-reading what I just wrote, I'm impressed with the flow of the end of the first sentence and the start of the second. "Underway" to "Yesterday" and then "first day." Good stuff. I know no one cares, but hey, that's good writing if I do say so myself. Which I do, since I wrote it and all. It should also make up for the very long and confusing first sentence to this whole entry. But I digress.

Races to April needs to release their CD already. What's taking them so long? I don't think they realize the mental anguish they're causing me. I've been waiting for this thing for about 8 months now. Wait, wait, no, I take that back. Fall semester of freshman year was when I first saw them live, so it's actually been more like... 21 months. Yeah. Granted, I was able to get my hands on a 3 song EP to hold me over these past few, oh, 10 months or so, but still, that 9 song EP has been in the works forever. I have a feeling it'll be really damn good, and it'll be worth the wait in the end, but for now this anticipation is killing me. If you don't know anything by Races to April, check out the link. If you like it, let me know, I'll buy a CD for you and ship it out to you and everything. I don't mind giving these guys my money, they deserve it.

So I've been watching some third season episodes of the West Wing on Bravo, and Mary-Louise Parker has a recurring role for a good 10 episodes, probably. If you don't know who she is, she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive woman. And I had no idea she was 38 when they were filming the episodes, either. That's crazy. If you've ever needed an incentive to watch the show, she should be it, since she's gorgeous. And the actress that plays Donna is pretty good looking, too. Plus, the writing is great, since Aaron Sorkin is the man at dialogue. So, pretty women + good writing = no excuse for you not to be watching this show.

All right, that's it for now. I'm tired of typing. Speaking of great writing, check out that alliteration. And my excessive comma use, like Adam. Isn't that a sign of a great writer? That actually wasn't a rhetorical question, the correct answer is "yes."

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Here's something I could do without: back-to-back commercials for the same product. Who was the marketing genius who thought this was a good idea? "Ok, see, we show a commercial once and the audience will just dismiss it immediately- especially if it's for a drug or alcoholic beverage. But, if we then show a second commercial right after the first one, everyone will change their mind and like our product!" Yeah, that's exactly how it goes. Because I just can't get enough of hearing about Ted or whomever, and how his life turned around because he started to take a natural male enhancer that causes him to have a smile permanently etched on his face. Or how this woman lost her libido, but, thanks to a miracle pill, is now hornier than a prepubescent teenage boy. And, please, just shove down my throat the fact that your alcoholic beverage is better than everyone else's- I don't care. In fact, the only time I've ever found this back-to-back deal to be acceptable is for the Puma commercials about the Summer Olympics. And that's only because seeing an old guy grab a stick, then magically pop into neon green running shoes and take off running down the street is funny. I forget what the other commercial is that that one is paired with, but that's a good one, so I'll allow it. Still, I could really do without this.

Speaking of commercials, networks need to switch it up a bit. I know Cartoon Network (when I'd watch Adult Swim at school) would tend to play the same ones over and over and over and over and over. Notably, the preview for Hellboy. That killed me. I have zero tolerance for that preview and won't ever consider seeing it having been subjected to the awful 30 second spot about a bajillion times. Also, I've been watching Bravo lately since they've been airing 3rd season episodes of the West Wing, and they keep playing the same ads over and over, and it's just annoying. So, please, let's get some new commercials, huh? Or let's get rid of them entirely. I'm sick of hearing about products I could really care less about.

What's that, you say? What good music should you pick up? Well, I'm glad you asked. If you don't have the 3 essential CDs that came out on the 18th of May, then you are a fool. The Joey Cape/Tony Sly acoustic split, Sleep Station's After the War, and As Tall As Lion's Lafcadio (how one pronounces that is beyond me) are all extremely good. Check them out. You may even be able to find them at your local record store. Who knows.

So I (finally) got a summer job, not like anyone cares. I'll be delivering pizzas for Papa John's. I look forward to it, I think it'll be fun. I just hope I don't get into an accident or held up at gun point or something, that'd kind of suck. Sunday's my first day, so we'll see how that goes. And here's a really depressing factoid: I only have to earn 2 dollars in tips every hour to get paid more per hour at Papa John's than I did at Shoppers Food Warehouse. That kills me. Shoppers really screwed me over with my wage, I don't think I'll ever be going back there.

Cicadas are ugly motherfuckers. You guys in Colorado, be thankful you don't have to deal with them. It's not like they're all over the place, but there's a constant hum during the day since they make noise. And if one were to ever land on you, that's just extremely gross since they are ugly, ugly bugs.

August 15th seems like a long time away. The 15th is when I can finally move into the townhouse back at school. I'm so excited about it, I can't wait. I have a feeling it'll be an awesome year. And I'm gonna try real hard not to be a loser this year, too! Yeah!

I guess that's it for now. The commercials thing was really the only thing I had to talk about, as you could probably figure out since the rest of this is just pointless rambling. So I'm gonna stop wasting your time now. Bottom line: music = good, back-to-back commercials = bad, and cicadas = ugly motherfuckers. And to connect this to what Adam said a while ago, yeah, there should be a comma before the "and." His teachers don't know anything at all about grammar, apparently.