You know, I'm kind of getting tired of bikers. Bicyclists. Whatever the PC term for them is these days. I kind of get the feeling they think they're better than me. Well you know who else rides bicycles? The Chinese. And they kill female babies. So just think about the company you keep, bicyclists, next time you're all cocky because you're getting exercise and saving the environment.

I used the f-word a record 8 times in my last entry.

I need to talk to the people who make "Movie" movies such as Date Movie and Scary Movie. Having recently watched Scary Movie 4 and Date Movie, I feel like I need to write a thesis on the difference between "reference" and "parody." A parody is when you take something familiar, like a scene from another movie, and twist it into something original which makes fun and enlightens the original. A reference is when you take something familiar and be like "remember that?" and don't add anything at all to it. A "reference" is not funny. Please discontinue the use of reference if you want to keep passing off your movies as comedy.

I've been working on this next idea for quite a while. In my years and years and years and years of driving I have noticed certain behaviors that some drivers exhibit fairly frequently, which earns them the title of "Bad Drivers." These behaviors I will now document in the hopes of dissuading people from using them. This is...

Adam's Driving School:
1. When you see a turn lane and you need to turn, get into it. The turn lane is a lane for a reason, so that people who want to turn can line up behind each other and not hold up traffic. Under no circumstances should you wait until you get up to the turn, or even until the turn lane is half past, before you get over. Get over as soon as the turn lane forms.
2. On the same token, when you're approaching a turn lane and are going to turn, get into the turn lane before you start to brake. Turn your wheel sharply to get over, don't sit there drifting between lanes for fifteen seconds. And once you're in the turn lane, slow down. Under no circumstances should you begin braking while still in the main road. The purpose of a turn lane is also for deceleration. If you slow down while still in the main road, you will cause other people to hate you.
3. Use your blinkers. I realize that this can be a daunting task because to use blinkers you have to move one of your fingers that are already on the steering wheel slightly, but if you'd like to not get into accidents, you need to tell people where you're going. If you're at a four way stop and you need to turn left, place you left blinker on. This will let the person across from you know that you're not going straight, and therefore he won't go while you go, and therefore you won't get hit in the side. If you don't use blinkers, I will follow you home and pull a citizen's arrest on your driver's license.
4. If you're driving down the highway and someone is six inches behind you, survey your surroundings. Are you in the left lane? Are you driving the speed limit or slower? If so, then you are encountering the international symbol for "Get the hell into the slow lane, you slow bastard." At this point, get into the slow lane, which is the rightmost lane on the highway.
5. On the other side of the coin, if you are riding someone's ass, you had better be planning on going faster than them for the forseeable future. Under no circumstances should you ride someone's ass, then pass them, get in front of them, and slow way down. It is not necessary to always be in the front of the line.
6. If your cruise control is set to 61 and you need to get into the fast lane to pass someone whose cruise control is set to 60, you need to speed up. Passing when going one mile an hour faster than someone will take days, and the people who want to do 65 or 70 will want to hurt you and your family if you cause them to wait for you to pass someone for a week.
7. Turning your blinker on as soon as you start going down an onramp onto the highway will not help you merge into traffic if you're still doing 40 when you hit the highway. Instead of preemptively blinkering, try speeding up to highway speed on the onramp. That is, after all, what it is for. If you are one of the people who cruises down the onramp at 35 and then hit the traffic moving 75 on the highway, you should know that you are the person who causes accidents and traffic jams, as everyone has to slow down while you think about hitting the gas.
8. When you turn onto a new street, you have to pick a lane immediately. You are not allowed to drive on top of the lane dividing lines while you think about the pros and cons of each lane.
9. I kind of stated this earlier, but if you need to change lanes, change lanes. Blinker it, and then go for the switch. You should be in a new lane in less than two seconds. If you're still working on getting into the new lane 10 seconds later, you are a bad driver.
10. Put your makeup on and read your paper and eat your breakfast before you get in the car so we don’t have to honk at you when the light turns green. Also, you can estimate when the light will turn green by watching other cars. When the cars going perpendicular to you stop moving, you can bet that your turn is coming soon. Pay attention when you're at a red light, and when you're driving in general, and everyone's day on the road will go much smoother.
11. There's no need to have 15 furlongs between you and the guy in front of you when turning left on a green turn arrow. When he goes, you can go and stay right behind him. That way, instead of having three cars get through a turn arrow, eight cars can go. It's amazing.
12. A right turn does not imply a stop sign. You are allowed at a green light or at no light to keep moving when you turn right. Your car will not roll over if you turn at some speed. Don't turn at like 70, but you really really don't need to bring traffic to a grinding halt to turn gently onto your street.
13. If you see a sign that says that the left lane is closed in 1000 feet, you should get to the right within the next couple hundred. If you wait 998 feet to get over because you can fly by all the slow movers in the right lane, you're an asshole and you're going to hell.
14. If you see one of these guys who flies all the way down to where the lane is actually closed and then expects to be let in, you must get 3 inches behind the guy in front of you to not let him in. People like that need to be forced to wait until every single car has gone by. In this situation there should be an unbreakable line of cars to punish this guy for thinking he's allowed to bypass traffic like that. Ideally the wait should be two to three hours for the guy. Once you're comfortable enough with driving three inches behind the car in front of you, you can add a nice touch like looking at the guy in the left lane and smiling as you crawl by him.
15. The horn is for alerting people of something they might not be aware of, like if a light has turned green and the person in front of you has not moved for 5-10 seconds. Press it gently and only for a second, and then let go. Repeat as needed until the person has moved. The horn is not for expressing anger, nor for saying hello to someone you know. Please cut down on noise pollution and stop honking at every single thing that happens on the road.

I'm sure there are more, but that's my list so far. If you have any of your own tips, go ahead and post them in the comments.

F-word count for this post: 0

I sure have cleaned up my act. Until next time, you have a wonderful life.

It occurred to me last night that the sound of a faraway train at night is one of the most haunting, beautiful, comforting things in the world. I don't know what it is, but that mournful wail as the beast moves past off into the darkness is just... great. I love it. Maybe it reminds me of my grandparents' house or something, but I just love it.

That said, let me tell you what is going down. The end of the world may be near, but Jesus will not be making an appearance. I mean, when you're getting stood up by someone, how long do you wait? An hour, maybe a little longer if you're really desperate? Jesus must be absolutely wonderful in bed if you're still waiting for him to show up two thousand years later. But I got news for you... he's found someone else. He's not showing up. I'm sorry.

That said, let me tell you about Mel Gibson. He's a racist, anti-semetic ass. There, simple as that. I have really just two things to say about that, then something to say about celebrities in general.

1. Alcohol does not make you say things you don't mean. Sure, it may make you say "I love you" when you don't mean it in the romantic sense, but you may just mean "I (want to make) love (to) you." Close enough. But when you say "Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," I don't think what you're trying to say is "(I want to be) fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for (great sex, which I want to have). What you're saying is that you're a racist ass who thinks he's fucking Jesus.

1b. All because you can act (read: pretend to be someone you're not [read: lie well]) doesn't mean you get to preach to people, so please stop telling us how to think and feel, and for the love of God, stop making movies about Jesus.

1c. When that Jesus movie came out I remember people saying it renewed their faith. I find it sad that faith can be swayed by Mel Gibson, who hates Jews. What this says to me is that, by proxy, the people who said the Passion of the Christ renewed their faith hate jews, but love driving drunk. Just like their Lord and Savior, Mel Gibson!

2. I'm sick and tired of people getting pulled over for driving drunk and then saying "I am an alcoholic, pity me!" You know what that gets you, if say you show up drunk to work one day and pull the "I'm an alcoholic" line? It gets you fired. So Mel Gibson, what you should be saying if you want to win my forgiveness, is "I'm a fucking ass. I put other people's lives in danger because I'm too cool to call a taxi after I've been drinking. I do stupid things, and I don't deserve pity, because I'm a racist, a bigot, an anti-semite, and a person who should know better, especially considering the sway I have in people's lives because of my (undeserved) position in society." But maybe what I should be pulling from this story is that Jesus is a drunk driving Jew hater. I had no idea. Thanks, Mel!

My thing I have to say about celebrities is pointed towards Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, and basically all other celebrities. Shut the fuck up and make movies. Please. You're stupid, weird, and all because you have media exposure doesn't mean you get to say all this crazy shit. If any of us normal folks said half the shit you say, we'd be locked up in the loony bin. If you don't shut the fuck up, I won't be able to watch movies anymore. I can't watch Signs without seeing a crazy drunk Neo-Nazi, and I can't watch any Tom Cruise movies with a straight face. Please, for all moviegoers... shut up. That is all.

I have a thing or two to say about religion as well. I don't like it or subscribe to the idea, because it's not Jews causing all the wars, it's religion. That's a fact. But what is also a fact is that for normal, everyday people that I have met throughout my life, religion is a calming, consoling institution. I have met people in recent months who through their faith in God have been carried hopeful through deaths, car crashes, and other devastating things that would put me in a terrible mood. They say things like "God is still good" or "I figure this is a test" and other things like that that I don't really understand, but just hearing the amount of consolation that religion gives these people really lifts my mood and calms me. As in many other facets of life, there is a difference between the institution and the common man. I cannot stand the institution of religion, as it does nothing but foster hate between people. But more and more, I am coming to appreciate the common man's understanding of religion, as it seems to foster inner peace, which produces outer peace. The Christians I meet in my daily life are among the most pleasant people to talk with. The Chrisian Church is a hate mongering institution. I don't really understand this whole idea myself, but I find it very interesting.

One last thing I think I've decided about apathy. I find myself very apathetic towards what's happening in the Middle East because I'm just tired of it. Let the fuckers kill themselves. They've been doing it for thousands of years. I think they like it. If they didn't like it, they'd stop. I think Americans are apathetic about things that happen far away because we have more important things to worry about, like our daily lives. I'm sorry innocent people die far away, but I don't know them, and honestly, I don't really care about them. If that makes me insensitive or apathetic, so be it, but I can't care about every single thing in the world. They made the problem, they can solve it, either through peace like people, or through a nuclear bomb like barbarians. Either way, I'll keep watching to see what happens, but honestly, what I'm going to have for dinner tomorrow matters more to me than what happens over there. Does that make me a bad person or do you kind of deep down feel that way too?

See ya! Wouldn't want to smell ya!

See, I told you it’d be less than a year before I updated this thing again. And, unlike Adam’s mini-post, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this is a real, 100%, full-fledged update. Hell, an update and a half, even. “What’s the half?” you ask? You’ll just have to wait and see.

So I had this great revelation today on the highway. I saw, in the distance, this huge gigantic truck that probably feasts on babies when the moon is full, and it was towing what appeared to be an iron lung (if the iron lung were blown up to three or four times its size). Turns out this thing was supposed to be an RV of sorts, but, from a distance, it looked very much like an iron lung. Anyway, as I approached, I spotted one of those marks of the devil, a “W ‘04” sticker on the back of the RV. And then a “W for President” sticker on said freakishly large truck. Then, as I got even closer, I had to take a look and see who my new best friend was: an octogenarian hunched over the steering wheel, wearing thick glasses. And that’s when it hit me. I suddenly understood why senior citizens and Bush tend to go together hand in hand. (Disclaimer: Yes, I have met 60+ year olds who do not like Bush. But, if one were to make a broad, sweeping generalization [which we do very well here], then one would conclude that the elderly tend to side with Bush. There.) The reason? These old folks are all too aware of their own mortality. They’ve spent a wonderful 70 (or so) years on this planet. They’ve been through wars, they’ve seen voyages into space. They’ve (somewhat) integrated themselves into a world with booming new technology (Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens is still working on it. He’ll get it soon enough -- once the tubes to his computer clear up). But yet, science and technology cannot reverse the fact that they will one day (fairly soon) die. And they are bitter about this fact – rightly so. But, rather than find solace in living a life that, by most accounts, is well spent, they want to take everyone down with them. So with every natural disaster that goes unmediated, with every Bush mandate that defies the imperative of global warming, with every human rights violation that occurs under our watch, these senior citizens get more and more giddy. Because they know, deep down inside, that, soon enough, we’ll all be joining them. And that’s why they like Bush. They don’t like Bush because he’s Bush. They like him because of the fact that he disregards any sort of forward or progressive thinking that looks into the future and realizes, “Hey, we need to do something about this or we’re fucked.”

Here’s a practice SAT question for all of you struggling with reading comprehension. What did we learn from the above paragraph?
A. Brian likes to use parentheses. Embedded ones, even.
B. Global warming exists. So let’s do something about it.
C. I don’t know. I’m still bummed about the fact that I had to write an essay. And, not only that, but sign an honor pledge in cursive. I haven’t had to use cursive since, like, the third grade. So now I’m afraid that, when the people reviewing my essay see my honor statement, they’ll think I’m illiterate.
D. Who would really want to tow an RV that looks like an iron lung?
E. Brian is capable of writing Thoreau-ian, tome-length paragraphs, but he’s not happy about it.
F. “Tubes”??? Senator Stevens can’t be serious, can he? What, does he think he’s at the bank, making a deposit?
G. I’m glad you bring up the thing about the stickers, because that reminds me: You know those “Power of Pride” bumper stickers with the waving American flag? What are those all about, huh? The people who have those on their car seem to think it’s a good thing, when all I can think about when I see them is the fact that the real power of pride is that it usually leads to overzealous nationalism, which doesn’t help the situation at all. A healthy dose of respect and admiration, sure, I can agree with that. But the “Power of Pride” sounds like something that needs to be regulated to ensure it doesn’t get out of hand. Don’t you think? Or am I reading into this too much?
H. Brian is capable of making ridiculous and absurd correlations that he knows aren’t true, but sound kind of funny (in a morbid way [again with the parentheses!]).
I. Hey, hold on a second. Real SAT questions don’t have these many options to choose from.
J. All of the above.
K. None of the above.

The answer, of course, as anyone with even the most elementary education in the world would know, is K. Because you already knew A-I, so it’s not as though you really learned it from the above paragraph, now did you?

“Enough with the stalling!” “Bring on the bonus half of the post!” Okay, me, here you go: I happened to catch Saturday Night Live tonight (an event that occurs about as often as a sighting of Haley’s Comet). I would like to present my observations to you in an SNL-type sketch.

Normally Humorous And Talented Comic Who, Even As Host, Cannot Make The Awful Writing Funny (heretofore abbreviated HOST): General greetings and brief introduction so audience understands premise of the following five minutes of banter.

Somewhat Humorous Male Cast Member Who Does A Few Great Impersonations But Also Does That One Insanely Annoying Recurring Character (heretofore abbreviated DUMB GUY): Greetings to HOST. Redundant joke to emphasize the premise of sketch, this time adding a layer of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia.

(mild laughs from the audience)

Never Funny Female Cast Member (heretofore abbreviated DUMB GIRL): Greetings to HOST and DUMB GUY. Explains bizarre happenstance in which she overheard previous comment, adding her approval and unending struggle to obtain said layer of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia.

(laughs, including a few excited whoops from male members of audience)

HOST: Continues the gag by adding a new layer of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia.

(mild laughs)

DUMB GUY: Admits that said sexual innuendo involving male genitalia applies to himself on a frequent occurrence.

(huge laughs)

DUMB GIRL: Claims she would be utterly lost without any sort of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia.

(more excited whoops from male members of audience)

HOST: Conveys bafflement at any instance of DUMB GIRL’s lack of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia, what with her impressive sexual innuendo involving female genitalia.

(mild laughs; applause)

DUMB GIRL: Dismisses assertion that she has impressive sexual innuendo involving female genitalia.

DUMB GUY: Alleges his sexual innuendo involving male genitalia expands when he espies DUMB GIRL’s sexual innuendo involving female genitalia.

(fervent laughing, whooping, and applause)

HOST: Takes sexual innuendo involving male genitalia gag too far.

(scattered laughs)

DUMB GIRL: Takes sexual innuendo involving female genitalia gag too far.

DUMB GUY: Takes both gags too far.

HOST: Closing comments.

DUMB GIRL: Deems it an appropriate time for her departure. Gets in one more sexual innuendo involving male genitalia gag.

(applause as DUMB GIRL exits)

DUMB GUY: Surreptitiously makes one final gag using sexual innuendo involving male and female genitalia.

HOST: Ends sketch. Visibly seen to be relieved that sketch is over.

(courtesy applause as sketch ends and a similar one begins)

This is not a real post, just a quick update on things. First, in case I lose my piece of paper, the following four topics will be covered in the future:
-Driving
-Videogame Violence
-Religion (again!?!?)
-Talk Radio (liberal & conservative)
Unless I decide I don't really care about any of those subjects. If that happens, then I won't write about them.

Next, we're moving into a new house on Saturday, one which isn't real cheap, but has enough room for us to get a weight bench and like a pool or ping pong table. Note: if we get a ping pong table, it will be used for ping pong, and not beer pong. Second note: our garage will be used for cars and random crap, not beer pong.

Next next, I applied for a job as an editor in Loveland for some publishing company. That would be nice.

Next^3, I was going through my room throwing away things that I don't need so I don't have to move them, and I found lots of pictures and notes from Trista. I looked at them all and read them all and it was such a weird feeling. So weird. But it does really show how feelings can fade and totally change over time (on something I saw on the internet, Trista had answered a question "Who was the last person who wrote a poem for you?" and the answer was "Adam, though I'd rather remember Christian." Going from promises of love forever to a vague dislike in one short year. Amazing. Those notes and most of thiose pictures are now in the trash, not because of any negative feelings about the whole experience, but because I don't need those anymore. The memories that I need, both good and bad, are in my head. The physical artifacts are just strange reminders of a time long long ago in the year 2001.

Leslie and I, on the other hand, are doing quite well. Quite well indeed.

If there's anything else you want to know just ask. Otherwise prepare for more vaguely leftist, vaguely political ramblings in the near or not so near future.

I've planned out my next five articles here. The first one is about ribbons apparently. I don't remember why I wrote that on this gas receipt. Yes, by planned out, I mean I wrote five words on a gas receipt that was in my car.

I guess the thing about ribbons is that I don't understand where they came from. They stand for everything, from breast cancer to the environment to supporting our troops. And moreso than regular ribbons you see these giant magnetic ribbons stuck on the back of the guy's truck with the American flag plastered all over it. Well, not so much the pink ribbons or the environment ribbons. But there are a couple thousand different shades of yellow for the support the troops ribbons.

The problem I have with ribbons is that with most of them, you're taking a stand on something which doesn't need a stand taken. Breast cancer is bad. I agree. I don't know anyone who could come up to you and go "Man, why you always gotta be so down on breast cancer?" because you're wearing a pink ribbon. You're showing your support for something for which support should be assumed. People wearing ribbons to me is like some guy who every time you see him tells you some shit you were already aware of. Like he'd walk up to you and go "Hey man, you're wearing pants and a shirt, and the sun is out today and it is quite hot." And then you go "Yeah, I already knew that." And then he'd go "Birds go chirp, breast cancer is bad, the environment is good, our troops deserve support, the earth is round, water will get you wet, if you don't breathe for an extended period of time you will suffocate, the dinosaurs are extinct." And then you go "Yeah man. I already knew that."

But people just keep popping out ribbons for everything, and they try to give you one if you're in a public place. There's a table with a mountain of pink ribbons around National Breast Cancer Day or whatever, and there's these damn people walking around sticking them in your face, poking you with the needle on the back, like "Don't you support breast cancer awareness? Don't you support breast cancer awareness?" And I go "Yes." And they go "Take my ribbon, take my ribbon!" And I go "No." And then for the rest of the day I'm surrounded by all these ribbon-wearing lemmings who can only apparently be bothered to care about breast cancer one day out of the year, because they're all proud of the fact that they were able to pin a ribbon on their shirts without stabbing themselves in the heart. And all of a sudden I look like an uncaring bastard because I hate ribbons. Because I hate ribbons, I look like I hate women, I hate the environment, and I go to bed every night with a prayer that all our troops die. When really, I just don't need some superficial symbol to remind me that there are bad things in the world that need fixing.

When did this ribbon craze start? I could actually handle it when one day a year I was asked to wear a pink ribbon. But now there's ribbons of every color for every thing. I'll tell you when the ribbon craze started in my opinion. It was when Jerry, of Jerry's Ribbons and Shit, was sitting behind his big CEO desk, and one of his henchmen came in and informed him that his swimming pool was officially full of money thanks to yellow ribbon sales. He was then asked if he would like to take a swim in his pool full of money, to which Jerry stood up and removed his clothing and ran naked, jumped in the pool of money, rolled around in his own filth for a few hours, and then came out. When he came out, he said "You know what, Jeeves? I think the American people are just dumb enough to buy ribbons thinking that they're supporting something, when really what they're doing is buying ribbons to support my coke and hooker habit!" And you know what? Jerry, of Jerry's Ribbons and Shit, is right now sitting naked in his money-pool with a hooker in his lap, and a rolled up dollar bill up his nose, pressed to a mirror on said hooker's ass. Thanks for being so supportive of everything, America!

Seriously folks, I know ribbons make you feel like you're supporting something, like you're not wasting your life not caring about anything, just rotting in your 9 to 5 job wishing you'd amounted to more, but really, you're just wasting away, rotting in your self-built prison with a piece of fabric stuck to your shirt and a magnet on your car. If you really cared about something, you'd be giving your ribbon money to research a cure for breast cancer, or you'd be out chaining yourself to a tree to keep the rainforest for being cut down, or you'd be protesting outside the White House asking Bush to bring our troops home. But that requires time and effort, and really, who cares about other people enough to actually try and make a difference? Not these cocksuckers with all the ribbons, all they care about is themselves, because all these ribbons do is feed their ego, like "Look at me, you uncaring cunts! I wear ribbons for women's rights! I wear ribbons for breast cancer! I wear ribbons for the plight of the Native Americans! I wear ribbons to support our troops! I wear ribbons to save the rainforest! I care! And now I'm going to go sit on my ass and eat McDonalds, watch American Idol, vote for my favorite, and not vote for president, because the next shitty pop singer is way more important than any of the causes I pretend to care about."

Well gee folks, I said I was going to update this like a year or two ago and then I didn't, so Brian did. And so now because I'm a giant egomaniac, I'm updating it again so I can be on top. I like being on top. Yes. Yes I do. I do indeed. I really do. Yessir. Yep. Alright.

Hey guess what time it is! It must be some kind of election time because once again the topic on everyone's lips is how we don't want queers getting married. Because of some shit that no rational person could understand. I really can see both sides of most issues. The death penalty? Yeah, I'm for it, but that's because I really do like the idea of revenge. But I can easily see the argument against it. Abortion? Yeah, I'm for it, but even though I don't agree with the other side, I can at least see where they're coming from. Legal drugs? Yeah, I'm for them, all of them, but I guess I can see how people want them to be illegal. Keep the kids safe and whatnot or something. But gay marriage? Sorry, I'm not even willing to listen to you if you think it should be illegal. Not only am I not willing to listen to you on the topic of gay marriage, I'm not willing to listen to you talk about the weather. You know why? Because you are wrong. And you are stupid and intolerant and don't deserve anything good in life. That's why.

Gay marriage boils down to one of two things. One, you really get turned on by the idea of two cocks rubbing together, but it disgusts you at the same time and kind of makes you afraid, because if it's acceptable, who's to say you won't rub your cock up against some other cock? So to repress your homosexual tendencies, you stand up tall and say "No fags getting married!" And you feel super straight because you said the word "fag" or "queer" with such fucking indignation. After all, once your friends found out you were a fag, wouldn't they kind of stop hanging out with you? Or two, you're so high and mighty that you think people who are different than you are less than human. If we can all agree that marriage is a sacred institution (which I won't agree with you, but you know, for the sake of argument...), good for families and society, why exclude a certain group of people? Because you have decided that you know what God wants, and what he wants is hatred towards certain pockets of his children. He wants a world full of heterosexuals so that... we can become more overpopulated and all starve to death? Or he wants a world full of heterosexuals so we... uh... could... have a 50%+ divorce rate? And... sacred... Wait, marriage was arranged up until fairly recently in history so that families could make more profit. It was kind of like indentured servitude for women. Marriage is a piece of paper that says "Hey, we spent thousands of dollars to prove to people that we love each other for the moment! Though give us five to ten years and we'll show you just how seriously we take this commitment!" And if that's not a SACRED INSTITUTION, I don't know what is.

Another thing that makes me proud to live in America is the fact that there are people out there who think it's totally acceptable and viable to deport millions of people because they don't speak English. When really, these good ol' boys are the ones who need to be deported, if only so that they can experience another culture, possibly realize there are people out there who speak other languages and practice other beliefs and hold other things sacred and don't have confederate flags on their Hummers with horns that play Dixie, who don't murder people because they're different, who are tolerant of differences, perhaps even curious about the rest of the world. That said, I refuse to listen to anyone who tells me that soccer is not the most boring sport on the face of the planet.

As kind of a side note to the marriage thing, it might not be a great idea to let a bunch of hardcore Christian kids plan your bachelor party. Otherwise instead of a lot of booze, boobs, and bowling, you might find yourself going to Waterworld and playing videogames. Not that that's a bad day, it's just that it's kind of not a bachelor party at all. It's just some dudes hanging out.

If there's anyone out there who doesn't own a Nintendo DS, you're missing out on the best damn handheld system ever made. It plays Gameboy games, AND it plays DS games. Like Tetris, and New Super Mario Bros, and Castlevania, and it's just like owning a Super Nintendo again, and the Super Nintendo was the happiest time of my life... Yes, I measure my life in videogame systems.

Looking for music? Consider the following:
Gomez - How We Operate: Their best album. Hands down. Finally an album without a bad song in the bunch.
Margot and the Nuclear So and So's - The Dust of Retreat: Listen to the song "Quiet as a Mouse" and tell me that's not one of the best songs you've heard in a year. Then imagine a full album just as good as that song.
Drag the River - It's Crazy: It's crazy how good this is! (booooooo) But seriously, probably the best alt-country album I've ever heard.

I signed up for Blockbuster Online and it's cool. It's a way to rent really bad and embarassing movies without anyone having to know you're doing it. On that note, if anyone ever asks you to go watch The New World with them, say no, and then never talk to them again, because that movie is unwatchably bad. I watched the whole thing just to make sure. It was 10 minutes longer than the entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but it was also 5 hours longer than that movie.

There's your update. See you soon.

So the masses have been clamoring for an update. Admittedly, they want one from Adam and not me, but, as I used to say in the third grade, tough toenails. That’s really a gross saying and I’m glad that, with age, I’ve outgrown it. Although, I just used it. Let’s move on.

How’s it going, everyone? It’s been about a year since I posted nothing worth noting. I hope everyone had a good year. Mine was pretty good.

14 Things I’m Not Entirely Sure Are to Blame for the Dumbing Down of Americans, But I Have a Hunch Probably Are:

1. American Idol
2. The T.G.I. Friday’s commercial (I think), where four guys are sitting around a table. To prove that they are manly men, the first three say, in excessively deep manly men voices, “Beef!”, “Chicken!”, and “Pork!” The fourth: “Vegetable medley!” To which he receives strange looks and must add some sort of meat element to prove his masculinity. This commercial makes me want to throw bricks at any T.G.I. Fridays I drive by.
3. George W. Bush
4. Sudoku puzzles. When did these get all popular? How’d that happen? One day I wake up and all of a sudden everyone’s obsessed over these things. And sure, they can be challenging, but the payoff of finishing a sudoku is nowhere near as great as that of finishing a crossword puzzle.
5. Donald Rumsfeld.
6. The Evolution/Intelligent Design debate. You can be religious, fine. You can be Christian, okay. But if you really think evolution doesn’t exist, I want to see you reproduce asexually. And then explain how it is we share so many chromosomes with the chimpanzees.
7. Wal-Mart
8. Bill Frist
9. Hummers. Of any variety.
10. Fox “News”
11. Dick Cheney
12. Rick Santorum
13. John Gibson
14. Ann Coulter

Interesting. Look how political that list got. And the majority of those aren’t hunches, they’re fact. But I got lazy halfway through the list and didn’t want to change the ever-so-witty title I came up with. “Look who’s the dumb American now,” you might say if you were mean and wanted to refute me. To which I would say, “Good observation! I secede my point and am now an ultra-right-wing conservative! Thanks!”

Speaking of the political, we had a few good political songs throughout the year. The Fitness Celebrity John Basedow Celebrity Interview of the Week segments pretty much stopped being about celebrities and focused on politics. Although it’s not the same without me flubbing simple chords and not being able to find the right key (and Yannos dealing with too many syllables per line), I’m gonna share a few of these, anyway.

So this first one, it was inspired by some real mature discourse from the College Republicans. They held an Animal Rights Barbeque. With plenty of meat. Tactful. In response, we had Fitness Celebrity John Basedow interview the band that we imagined would have played such an event. I forgot what we named them, but it was something dumb like Chris and the Conservatives. And the song they played for us was this (on par with the same level of discussion you’d expect from College Republicans, of course):

Global warming is a myth and I know that makes you miffed.
But too bad. Too bad.
Cause I gotta have my Hummer (all those other cars are dumber).
So too bad. Too bad.

So next time, don't tell me to get out of the shower,
even if I've been in there for well over four hours.
Cause nothing I do can harm the environment.
Your whining is just energy that's poorly spent.

Gasoline is up thirty cents. If you complain, you must be dense.
So shut up. Shut up.
That kind of attitude's not helpful, it's just bull.
So shut up. Shut up.

So next time, don't tell me to turn off all my lights,
even if they've been on consecutively for sixty nights.
Cause nothing I do can harm the environment.
Your whining is just energy that's poorly spent.

Global warming causes hurricanes? Man, you're such a pain.
The ozone isn't full of holes. It's not your brain or your soul.
To criticize Bush is unpatriotic, it's idiotic.
You must be dumb, cause you're dumb, cause you're dumb, you're so dumb.

See? It’s almost like a real Republican wrote those lyrics! Here’s one that I wrote around the time when Donald Rumsfeld was in hot water over the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners. But that quickly passed without any sort of punishment for him. Thank goodness!

Things aren't going well for our pal, Donald Rummy.
If you see him scowling, it's probably cause he's got an upset tummy.
You'd have one, too, if you had six ex-generals criticizing your job.
Especially when a couple are so young, just back from Iraq. Real heart-throbs.
So let's give him a hand, just like Bush would demand.

He's doing a fine job, we support him.
Even in this moment, when things seem grim.
Rumsfeld's doing the best that he can do,
given his limited IQ.

His foes ruthlessly claim that he ignored the Pentagon,
that he allowed torture and other such shenanigans to go on.
They're asking him to resign, to pack his bags and go.
But, for a man who anticipated insurgencies and went on anyway, that's not apropos.
He deserves an award ceremony. Just don't look and you'd see

he's doing a fine job, we support him.
Even in this moment, when things seem grim.
Rumsfeld's doing the best that he can do,
given his limited IQ.

Now, don't get us wrong, we don't hate our troops.
We just hate the people running this war, they're a bunch of nincompoops.
Bush said he's the decider. Well, he needs to go figure
a sensible way out, a clever plan (one like Tigger would),
a way to get us out of this mess.
I have a feeling it'll be addressed
in the form of Iraq,
minus the Q, plus an N.

It’s all fun and games until the end. Then it makes you think. Deep, huh? Okay, so this last one is my favorite song we did all year. It came out in response to Bush’s approval ratings, back when they hovered in the 33% range (or, as he would call them, “the good ‘ol days.”)

One more time we've been duped,
pushed out of the loop,
only getting the scoop that's false
from the media (that useless group).

I don't know why Bush's ratings are so low.
Cause we all know that he is good to go.

Just look at - well, no.
Just look at – nevermind.
There's gotta be something he's done right.

One more time we've been had.
Pessimistic reviews of our lad.
But things aren't really as bad as they say.
Just ask - well, no, don't ask his dad.

Oh gosh, could they be right about this insight?
If they are, that just might give me quite a fright.

Come on, man, help me out.
Give me a reason to believe
that Bush is on the ball,
that he's well-suited for the presidency.
Cause I just don't see it.
Not after all the horrible stuff
that we've been handed by our friends
the media (who haven’t done enough
to show us the truth.
Imagine what would happen if they
showed us the truth).

Yay. What fun. But it’s my bedtime now. We’ll have more fun later. Maybe even in less than a year.

Every day recently I think I have something to say but then I forget. Immigration. Religion. Videogames. Music. I want to make a list of all my CDs and figure out which are the most essential. I want to tell you how emotionally powerful Saves the Day's new album is. I want everyone to get along and be happy, myself included. But there's not enough time in the day to solve problems, just enough to recognize them, get frustrated, and go to bed. Something is always missing. I will update this with a real post soon, if anyone still reads this. Well, even if not. Prepare yo'self.

My Nintendo DS makes me long for the days of the Super Nintendo. It's good to know that I now have a place to relive the glory days. I've been playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, which makes me wish companies hadn't abandoned the turn based stategy games. I've also been playing Castevania: Dawn of Sorrow, which reminds me of just how amazingly great the last Playstation Castlevania was. And then there's Metroid Fusion, which makes me yearn for the days of Super Metroid, another of the best videogames ever made. Not to say that 3-d games aren't great. Sure they are. But I would kill to see a new, beautifully rendered 2-d Castlevania game on a next generation system.

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently. I haven't been able to put these thoughts to words. I haven't updated this in a long time because of this. Well, that and the fact that I'm never home. I think that depending on what happens when the lease is up here, I might move somewhere else. The leading candidates for change are the Pacific Northwest (Seattle), or back on the east coast (North Carolina or thereabouts). I just don't think my future is here in Colorado. It's funny because a couple months ago I wanted to live in Fort Collins for a long time. I love it here. But my skin is going to walk out on me if I don't move somewhere with humidity.

This entails making new friends, finding new roommates and a new job. I'm not sure how I feel about being completely alone. It could be terrifying and it could be completely refreshing, starting over. I just feel dead ended right now. I know I don't want to be in sales, and this Hertz job is a sales job. I feel dirty when I'm mentioned in conjunction with sales. But I looked at jobs online and I find nothing that interests me. Everyone I know seems to have some kind of direction in life. I have nothing. This is very depressing sometimes.

Is leaving everything behind and starting over the solution to this rutted feeling? Hell if I know. But at least it's something different. I've finished school. I've done everything I've had to do up to this point very well. This is the real world now... I'm not impressed.

Sorry, maybe I'll have something entertaining to say next time.

Well, this is the annual top 10 albums of the year list. 2005 was in some ways good and some ways bad for music. The quality of the good albums was excellent. The amount of good albums was not. I am having trouble coming up with 10 albums to put on the list, but the ones I have for sure are solid. So anyway, these are the albums that I found myself listening to a ton all year, and if they sound good to you, I wholeheartedly recommend checking them out. Search them out in record stores or order them online, because most likely Best Buy's not going to have them all.

10. Alkaline Trio - Crimson: It's an evolution of the sound they put out on their last album, and therefore it's not the return to form that a lot of people are wishing for. That said, this is the Trio's most mature album musically, and finds them experimenting with piano and electronic noises in some songs. It's catchy as hell, and even though I find the whole dark image of the band these days stupid, this album's choruses were stuck in my head for a good month during my landscaping days earlier this year.

9. Atmosphere - You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having: This is an interesting beast. The first half of the album is worse than Seven's Travels, but the second half of the album is probably the best rap album I've ever heard. The title of the album is very appropriate, as it really sounds like Slug is having fun rapping. It's not as socially or politically conscious as other Atmosphere albums, but it's a lot more fun. The B-side of this album gets it onto the list.

8. The Glow - The Ghosts are Out: Half raucous rock and roll, half slower bluesy stuff, this organ driven rock band is one to watch for. While it's impossible to understand what the hell the singer is saying for the most part, this is good old rock music. It sounds like oldies punked up for the new generation, and it's one of the best surprises of the year for me.

7. Colonel Rhodes - This is Public: This is a five song alt-country EP. The band put this out and broke up, and it's the only thing they ever released. That said, it's fantastic. Every song is great, with the excellent classically trained female vocals pairing nicely with the solid male vocals (though really, they could lose the guy and put the girl up front and probably come out for the better). If you're at all interested to see what southern rock is sounding like these days, this is one of the best examples I've heard.

6. Lucero - Nobody's Darlings: Lucero's latest really got treated poorly by reviewers. It's a southern rock album through and through. The country is more or less missing, and that slight change in sound put a lot of people off. It's not Lucero's best album, that crown still goes to Tennessee, but this does have its fair share of wonderful songs. The War is a great song that's an absolute pleasure to see performed live. If you like rock and roll music and you haven't listened to Lucero, you're missing out on one of the best bands of our time.

5. Lagwagon - Resolve: This whole album was written about and dedicated to their good friend and former drummer Derrick Plourde, who killed himself earlier this year. The album was written and produced quickly, but only serves as a testament to the songwriting power of Joey Cape. It's Lagwagon's most powerful album emotionally, and reading the lyrics really caused me to get a little teary eyed. Some songs are better than others (one of those songs is Resolve, a beautiful punk song, probably one of the best songs Lagwagon has ever written), and it's not Lagwagon's best album (that title will forever belong to Let's Talk About Feelings), but it's right up there, and it's lightyears better than the slightly disappointing Blaze. This is the band that got me into punk rock, and all these years later, it's great to see them put out such an amazing, truly powerful album, even though the circumstances surrounding the album are so tragic.

4. Propagandhi - Potemkin City Limits: Holy crap, this album blew me away. I've been a Propagandhi fan for a while now, and I was expecting pretty big things out of this album, but I wasn't expecting this rock monster. They've slowed down the thrash and turned up the melody, and it worked brilliantly. Politics aside, this is an extremely well constructed album through and through, with no throwaway songs. Their last album had some excellent stuff and some filler, most notably from the gravelly voiced singer. His songs on this album are right up there. Melodic, hard punk rock, this is not one for everyone, but for anyone looking for a smart, politically conscious album that's easy to listen to, this is it. Fantastic album.


3. The Mountain Goats - The Sunshine Tree: Absolutely astounding, beautiful, touching, personal. Great. John Darnielle turned his camera inwards and wrote an album about his childhood growing up with an abusive stepfather, and it's far and away the Mountain Goats' best album. After experimenting with the sound of multiple instruments on We Shall All Be Healed, he finally wrote songs that really incorporated various sounds. He doesn't ask for pity, there's no "why me" songs. It's an optimistic album, showing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Acoustically driven but incorporating piano, cello, and other instruments, this was for most of the year my choice for number one on this list. Still, months after it came out, I'm in awe of just how wonderful this album is. Get it.

2. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois: This album took me a few listens to get into. From the one song I'd heard off it, I wasn't expecting the lush banjo folk that I got, but once I understood what I was listening to, it became apparent that I was listening to one of the best albums I'd ever heard. The compositions here are so incredibly dense and complicated, I can't even understand how one man could write them. Some of the songs are just strange, but some of the songs (Casimir Pulaski Day, Chicago, John Wayne Gacy Jr., Decatur) are simply jaw droppingly beautiful. Sufjan himself plays dozens of instruments on this album, and he's backed by a full choir, a full orchestra, and an arsenal of over 20 instruments. I've honestly never heard anything quite like this before. At 22 tracks and 74ish minutes, this should be overwhelming, but the album flies by. "Sufjan Stevens invites you to Come on feel the Illinoise," as it says on the cover, and you'd be an absolute fool to turn him down. This shit is genius.

1. Against Me! - Searching for a Former Clarity: Putting aside my mixed feelings about the band's growing popularity, I can honestly say that this is, for me, the best album I've heard all year. This is a complete album, less rocking than previous entries, but more fully realized. While I wouldn't mind seeing How Low left off and replaced by one of the other demo songs that were leaked, this album totally does it for me. I'm biased, yes, because of how much I love everything these guys do, but I really think this album transcends genres, and anyone willing to give it a chance should find something to like. It's diverse, it's long, and it's just amazing. Not only number one on this list for the year, but it also fully deserves a place on my top 10 albums of all time list. This is the best album yet from the most important current band in punk rock. They've got a shot at the big time now, having recently signed to a major label, and while I'm wary of what their next album could be, I still place all my faith in Tom Gabel and the boys to continue blowing me away with their perfect blend of folk, rock, country, and punk for years to come. Absolutely an essential album.

That all said, I'd like to give two other awards. Though I couldn't justify placing it on the top 10 list because it's mostly recycled material, The Lawrence Arms' "Cocktails and Dreams" this year was one that I listened to way more than I should have, considering I'd heard 90% of it a hundred times before. The new song and the reworked version of Turnstiles is worth the price of admission.

And finally, once again, my disappointment of the year goes to Weezer and their album Make Believe. While it showed glimpses of the band of yesteryear, who put out two of the best albums of all time (Blue and Pinkerton), I listened to it maybe five times because it's just such mediocre garbage for the most part. We are all on Drugs and Beverly Hills are so bad it's almost painful to listen to, especially considering the high hopes I still have for these guys. But songs like Perfect Situation make me want to believe that they still have another great album left in them somewhere. They just aren't doing it. The worst album yet from Weezer.

Okay, and a couple more things. American Idiot by Green Day was solid, but Jesus Christ people, it wasn't that good. All because it was so much better than that rancid festering turd Warning doesn't mean it's the savior of rock music. Dookie and Insomniac were way better. And Dave Grohl, quit acting like all because you put out a double album it's all good. It was a solid effort, but saying that this is the Foo Fighters album you want people to remember is just silly. We all know that The Colour and the Shape is the best album you'll ever make. Also, I'm really sick of all this dance rock music that's being made. That's it for the musical year of 2005. Happy New Year, everyone. Let's make it a good one.