I've planned out my next five articles here. The first one is about ribbons apparently. I don't remember why I wrote that on this gas receipt. Yes, by planned out, I mean I wrote five words on a gas receipt that was in my car.

I guess the thing about ribbons is that I don't understand where they came from. They stand for everything, from breast cancer to the environment to supporting our troops. And moreso than regular ribbons you see these giant magnetic ribbons stuck on the back of the guy's truck with the American flag plastered all over it. Well, not so much the pink ribbons or the environment ribbons. But there are a couple thousand different shades of yellow for the support the troops ribbons.

The problem I have with ribbons is that with most of them, you're taking a stand on something which doesn't need a stand taken. Breast cancer is bad. I agree. I don't know anyone who could come up to you and go "Man, why you always gotta be so down on breast cancer?" because you're wearing a pink ribbon. You're showing your support for something for which support should be assumed. People wearing ribbons to me is like some guy who every time you see him tells you some shit you were already aware of. Like he'd walk up to you and go "Hey man, you're wearing pants and a shirt, and the sun is out today and it is quite hot." And then you go "Yeah, I already knew that." And then he'd go "Birds go chirp, breast cancer is bad, the environment is good, our troops deserve support, the earth is round, water will get you wet, if you don't breathe for an extended period of time you will suffocate, the dinosaurs are extinct." And then you go "Yeah man. I already knew that."

But people just keep popping out ribbons for everything, and they try to give you one if you're in a public place. There's a table with a mountain of pink ribbons around National Breast Cancer Day or whatever, and there's these damn people walking around sticking them in your face, poking you with the needle on the back, like "Don't you support breast cancer awareness? Don't you support breast cancer awareness?" And I go "Yes." And they go "Take my ribbon, take my ribbon!" And I go "No." And then for the rest of the day I'm surrounded by all these ribbon-wearing lemmings who can only apparently be bothered to care about breast cancer one day out of the year, because they're all proud of the fact that they were able to pin a ribbon on their shirts without stabbing themselves in the heart. And all of a sudden I look like an uncaring bastard because I hate ribbons. Because I hate ribbons, I look like I hate women, I hate the environment, and I go to bed every night with a prayer that all our troops die. When really, I just don't need some superficial symbol to remind me that there are bad things in the world that need fixing.

When did this ribbon craze start? I could actually handle it when one day a year I was asked to wear a pink ribbon. But now there's ribbons of every color for every thing. I'll tell you when the ribbon craze started in my opinion. It was when Jerry, of Jerry's Ribbons and Shit, was sitting behind his big CEO desk, and one of his henchmen came in and informed him that his swimming pool was officially full of money thanks to yellow ribbon sales. He was then asked if he would like to take a swim in his pool full of money, to which Jerry stood up and removed his clothing and ran naked, jumped in the pool of money, rolled around in his own filth for a few hours, and then came out. When he came out, he said "You know what, Jeeves? I think the American people are just dumb enough to buy ribbons thinking that they're supporting something, when really what they're doing is buying ribbons to support my coke and hooker habit!" And you know what? Jerry, of Jerry's Ribbons and Shit, is right now sitting naked in his money-pool with a hooker in his lap, and a rolled up dollar bill up his nose, pressed to a mirror on said hooker's ass. Thanks for being so supportive of everything, America!

Seriously folks, I know ribbons make you feel like you're supporting something, like you're not wasting your life not caring about anything, just rotting in your 9 to 5 job wishing you'd amounted to more, but really, you're just wasting away, rotting in your self-built prison with a piece of fabric stuck to your shirt and a magnet on your car. If you really cared about something, you'd be giving your ribbon money to research a cure for breast cancer, or you'd be out chaining yourself to a tree to keep the rainforest for being cut down, or you'd be protesting outside the White House asking Bush to bring our troops home. But that requires time and effort, and really, who cares about other people enough to actually try and make a difference? Not these cocksuckers with all the ribbons, all they care about is themselves, because all these ribbons do is feed their ego, like "Look at me, you uncaring cunts! I wear ribbons for women's rights! I wear ribbons for breast cancer! I wear ribbons for the plight of the Native Americans! I wear ribbons to support our troops! I wear ribbons to save the rainforest! I care! And now I'm going to go sit on my ass and eat McDonalds, watch American Idol, vote for my favorite, and not vote for president, because the next shitty pop singer is way more important than any of the causes I pretend to care about."