Thus, I presented you with the latest in our long-running series, Twisted Survey:

1. What time did you get up this morning?
Man, you know I just get down.

2. How do you like your steak?
Like I like my women. You know what that means.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Because I have never been to England, or some equally poshy country, I have never seen a "film" at a "cinema." But the last "flick" I saw at the "picture show" was something or other.

4. What are your favorite TV shows?
Say Yes to the the Ghost Hunting, Kardashian Police Women of 90210

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Anywhere in the county of McCrackin, KY.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Pieces of shit like you.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Lean.

8. What foods do you dislike?
I like and dislike foods based on the ethnicities they represent. So, if you know me, you know I love the hard-working Mexicans and Mafia-running Italians, and hate the better-than-me-at-math Asians and the we-try-to-take-over-the-world-every-couple-generations-but-fail Germans.

9. Favorite Place to Eat
At a table.

10. Favorite salad dressings?
I find that a nice mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise really fits most bills, unless there's chicken in the salad, in which case you'll want to add in some bbq sauce.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
A horseless carriage.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Daisy dukes and a bikini on top.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
1271 Luna Road, Farmers Branch, TX. Or your mom's house.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
It's 3/4 full of destroyed dreams and broken promises, and 1/4 empty of hope and love. With sugar on the rim. Shaken, not stirred. Garnished with an orange slice.

15. Where would you want to retire?
My secret underground lair, from whence I will commence my plan to take over the world. I mean, Boca Raton. Which is not where my underground lair is. Muahahaha.

16. Favorite time of day?
12:34:56. Doesn't matter whether it's AM or PM, it's still PARTY TIIIIME!

17 Where were you born?
I was born the son of a preacher man, and a coal miner's daughter, so you figure it out.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Dog shows.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Are we playing tag? Am I it? I think I lose.

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
I don't know, but whoever tries to tag me is going to get shivved in the face.

21.most curious about their responses to this?
I acknowledge no one's existence but my own.

22. Bird watcher?
I'm more of a bird feeler.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I am Caucasian.

24. Pets?
Pets are domesticated animals that people have and feed and pick up feces for. All pets descended from giant tree squirrels about 17,000 years ago. Oftentimes you think your pet is awesome, but your pet is actually annoying as shit and everyone hates it. Sometimes your pet runs away, which means it hates you.

25. Any new and exciting news that you'd like to share?
BREAKING NEWS! I just called to say I love you.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Rich as shit.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Not getting molested.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I am a full blooded human, and I think genetic engineering for the purpose of creating a race of mutant cat and/or dog people is ethically wrong, and totally awesome and where do I sign up?

29. Are you married?
To my job. hyuk hyuk. No but seriously, I can show you the wedding certificate. Republicans and church leaders are up in arms. Where will it end? People marrying jobs, what next? People marrying chairs? People marrying cats? Two loving human beings of the same gender trying to unite under the law and reap the same benefits as two people of opposite genders? It disgusts me.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
I think you meant to put a period after that. Always wear your seat belt. You're welcome.

31. Been in a car accident?
I've plowed into cars, run people over, and ruined several lawnscapes, but I wouldn't call any of them "accidents."

32. Any pet peeves?
I have no pets, but I'm interested in a peeve. Is it a cross between a peacock and a beaver?

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Love.

34. Favorite Flower?
I find that whole wheat flour just isn't the same as your standard flour. Tortillas made from whole wheat do not make delicious crunchy quesadillas like regular flour ones.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Anything melted over a hot cherry pie or brownie, fed to me by servant women.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant
Bonzo's Whipped Cream Pie Emporium will feed you a whipped cream pie faster than anyone else in town, Guaranteed.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
The driver's ed book never said it was frowned upon to drive while doing the crossword, drinking coffee, playing on an Ipad, and applying eyeliner, so while I may have failed once, I maintain to this day that I didn't know I couldn't do that.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Jesus, just thanking me for such a cool dude. You know how it is.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Circuit City. Circuit City went out of business? Fuck it then, I don't need credit cards anymore.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
I was going to say no, but then I thought that would seem lame, so I punched a baby in the face, so yeah.

41. Like your job?
If you read the last two questions together, as in "Do anything spontaneous lately? Like your job?" it sounds a little accusatory, and I'm not sure I like your tone, buster.

42. Broccoli?
Okay. I let things slide on these sometimes. But "Broccoli?" is not a question. In no way, shape, or form is that a question. You can't put a question mark on a noun and call it a question. "Slide?" "Window?" Nope.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
That time I went back in time and thought I shot Hitler, but it was really Charlie Chaplin. We had some laughs about that, boy, did we ever. But then I had to go back in time and shoot myself so that Charlie Chaplin could bring joy to millions again. Time travel, man. It's so complicated.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
The Dark Lord Satan. We had a nice time. Went to this very intimate French place, ate some snails, damned some souls. Then Satan had too much to drink and I had to take him home. You know how it is with Satan, that lush.

45. What are you listening to right now?
The voice inside my head telling me to do it.

46. What is your favorite color?
The color of your eyes, baby.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
None, but I do own Tattoo from Fantasy Island. I'm willing to sell or trade if anyone has anything worthwhile.

48. Coffee drinker?
No, I prefer to get my energy the old fashioned way. Cocaine.

49. How many children do you have?
Several. THAT I KNOW OF!