Thankfully, I don't have insomnia. I realize that's a bizarre way to start a post. But I'm thankful that I don't have insomnia because I recently saw a commercial for Ambien CR. (I would just like to add that, if you go to the Ambien CR website, the front-page graphic is of five ethnically-diverse people standing on a pill. The caption cracks me up: "Not actual pill size." As if someone out there is thinking, "Man, I could use some Ambien CR, but, goddamn, that is one giant pill!") Anyway, this commercial scared me. No, it terrified me. The side effects -- of which there are many -- seem extremely uncomfortable and/or fatal. In fact, I'd guess that about half of the 30-second spot discussed the detriments of the drug. Even if I had severe insomnia, I don't think I'd risk taking Abien CR. Certainly not after that ad.

Amazing transition in five, four, three, two...

Speaking of commercials and their ineffectiveness, have you seen the Loud 'N Clear infomercial? This is truly a sight to behold. Let's open on a poor old woman who simply wants to play Bingo. Had she only proper hearing, she'd be on a roll (? [I'm not familiar with Bingo lingo.]). This same lady is also taking her Loud 'N Clear to church, where all the devout patrons secretly scorn her and pray that she ends up writhing in hell next to Satan for the rest of eternity, all because it looks like she's bringing one of those damn Bluetooth things into their sacred and God-loving church of all things holy, amen. But hey! At least she can HEAR them condemning her to hell!

My next favorite character in this commercial is the man with charcoal hair. We first meet him as he's watching his son's little league game while wearing the Loud 'N Clear. A nice gesture, but altogether unnecessary. I mean, what's the point of having to hear the umpire when he consistently uses visible hand motions to indicate if a player is safe or out? But I digress.

The next day, Mr. Charcoal Hair is out in the wild, hunting! What a true manly man, this man is! Although, judging by his inept stealth tactics, I'm guessing he doesn't get out much.

The point? Get the Loud 'N Clear and you will: get consistent Bingos! Hunt better! Eavesdrop on people invariably discussing how attractive and/or well-off you are! Get good, church-going people to secretly turn against you!

Finally, let's talk about cupcakes. I like cupcakes. I even enjoy making cupcakes. Cupcakes are always fun. However... Are you a man who makes cupcakes? Do you sometimes feel... inadequate... about the size of your cupcakes? Trying to find the cupcake variation of a Hummer? (Yes, that pun was entirely intentional.) Then you need Big Top Cupcakes. But wait. Let's stop and think about this a moment. What kind of message are you sending to your children? (Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that the children in this ad are, in fact, your children.) Look at how a normal, ordinary cupcake elicits from them heretofore uncharted levels of ennui. The only thing that will draw them back from the brink of an endlessly demoralizing cycle of introspection is to... provide them with a cupcake twenty-five times bigger?

I'm just thankful that I don't live in those infomercial worlds. Those despondent, cruel, black-and-white worlds where everything sucks and everyone acts so fucking hopeless all the time.

Oh, and I'm also thankful I don't have insomnia.