Dear longtime readers of The Irreverent Times Journal,

Hello. Nice to see you again, uh... friend. Sorry, I've forgotten your name. See, when you're as rich and famous as I am, you shake hand after hand, you see face after face, and you mock the poor. After a while, it all blurs together. The names, the faces, the derision towards people who still use dial-up (I mean, can you believe it???). So, please forgive me for not remembering you specifically.

Anyway, I'm just here to check in. I've entrusted Brian and Adam with the task of ghosting my autobiography. But it seems they've decided to disregard our contract entirely. Instead, they make jokes and social commentary. This blog, dear reader, is supposed to be about me! Me!

Forgive me. I don't believe I've introduced myself. I am the rabbit that, one day, ate some carrots and, thus, had good eyesight. That's me. And this is my story. At least, this was supposed to be my story. But, seeing as how Adam and Brian can't even generate more than 75 posts in a given year (Seriously? Just 75? Are you kidding me?), it looks like I'll have to do my own work here. Without further ado, my story:

I grew up on the streets. Not literally, of course, as cities are not conducive to small mammalian life such as myself. It was the streets of the deciduous forest. Needless to say, it wasn't easy. My life was carrot-less. I ate leaves, grasses, sprouts. I remember this one time that my older brother and I were fighting over a single leaf. He won, but he gave me half of the leaf, anyway. That's just the kind of guy he was.

I never saw my brother again.

That's the streets of the deciduous forest for you. Maybe if we lived in a coniferous forest things would've been different. A tropical forest -- but that's just silly. Forgive my foolishness.

I told myself that my life would be better. I wouldn't end up like them. I didn't have any friends or family at this point, mind you, so my conception of "them" was yet another deception. I turned to the normal outlets of the burnt-out bourgeois: alcohol, drugs, chewing tobacco. I was a mess. Until one day...

Carrots. Eyesight. Stardom. I was on the A list. I went to the fanciest restaurants. I slept with the prettiest women. I partied with Pauly Shore. Life was good.

And that, dear readers, is just the beginning.

Sincerely,

Rabbit


April Fool's Day! Everyone knows that's not the true story of the rabbit!