Alright, it's time for me to ask: What's the deal with touch screens? Touch screens aren't cool. Touch screens aren't new. But for some reason, someone has convinced everyone that touch screens are new and cool. I remember touching screens my whole life. In fact, at one ill-advised point in time, McDonalds put touch screen ordering computers in their restaurants, which allowed slow old people to stand in front of it for forty five minutes trying to figure out how to order a cheeseburger while moronic employees stood behind the counter trying to shout how to use the thing at them. It also allowed customers to take part in screwing up their own orders. For some strange reason, these touch screens were quickly removed and replaced by paid employees who stare at a screen for forty five minutes trying to figure out how to place your order for a cheeseburger.

A quick aside: I went to Wendy's once, and I ordered one thing. I ordered a junior bacon cheeseburger. I was in the drive through. I was handed a bag. I went back to work. I opened the bag. CHICKEN FUCKING NUGGETS! One thing, I ordered. And it's not like I got a junior cheeseburger with no bacon or something. I got little balls of fried "chicken." It's not even the same meat! It's not even the same container!

Anyway, touch screens. I have a cell phone that has buttons on it. Those buttons are clearly defined by little indentations between them so that I know exactly which buttons I'm hitting. It also clicks in to tell me when I have sufficiently pressed the button. These are what we in the industry call "features." These features have "benefits." The benefits include being able to quickly and precisely do what I'm trying to do on my phone. Touch screens lack these features, and instead feature big bright screens with tiny tiny little text on them. So you get on the internet on your queer little pocket laptop, and you want to check the scores of the game. You press your big elephant finger in the general area of the link you want to hit, and you have an equal chance of hitting any of the other tiny tiny little links in the area. AND you look extra douchey doing it. There's nothing quite like busting out your touch screen phone and showing your friends all the awesome shit it can do in theory. Then you get a phone call and have trouble dragging the little answer bar across the screen and miss the call. AWESOME! Way better than hitting the green button. Touch screens are not cool and not new.

Also, chicken nuggets are not a junior bacon cheeseburger.

There's one more "cool" "new" technology that I've been unfortunately seeing resurface recently, and that's 3-D. I'm growing slowly aware that if a studio thinks it's got a weak product on its hands, it'll just film it in 3-D. Are you aware that currently, there is a Jonas Brothers concert in 3-D being shown to our children in our theaters? I'm not positive about this, but I think that may be child abuse. Also, did you watch the Super Bowl? Do you remember any of the commercials? Neither do I. But I do remember being pissed that I missed the memo that I was supposed to go pick up 3-D glasses in order to watch any of the commercials. And have you ever worn 3-D glasses? Can you imagine strapping those uncomfortable torture devices to your head for a full hour and a half to watch a movie filmed that way?

Christ, what is this world coming to? First we have religion causing never ending wars. Then we have a total collapse of our economic systems. And now we have to put up with douchebags masturbating to touch screen phones, and kids being forced to watch 3-D movies? I quit.