In reference to one of my previous posts about old technology being cool again, I've thought it over and changed my mind. Old is the new black! With that in mind, I'm coming out with some new technologies sure to get the kids excited.

I'm pleased to introduce my new summer line of togas. They're like sheets, but they have holes in them for your head and arms. No longer will you be burdened with having to match clothing, or put more than one piece of clothing on at a time. With the new togas, just throw one over your shoulder and head out on the town! You're sure to get noticed. Warning: Accidental nudity may occur.

Also, are calculators bringing you down? Would you like a new high-low-tech way to do your math? Well, I've been thinking, and I'm very excited to say that from now on I'll be offering the TI-00 abacus for all your mathematical needs. Just move the little beads from side to side, and somehow that's supposed to help you with math! WAY easier than pressing silly numbers and symbols on a little electronic thing. What do those even mean? WHO KNOWS!? With the TI-00 abacus, all you need to know is how to count. And how to use an abacus to do math. Warning: Batteries and instructions not included.

Do all those colors on TV hurt your brain? Do you fear all the bright colors and loud noises may give you an epileptic seizure? Well, tune to the new station ADTV to watch all new shows produced in new black and white, silent vision! Only two colors, with varying shades of gray, and no talking! Instead, take a break from all the noise and watch people talk, and then read what they just said on a card held in front of the camera! Warning: The ability to read is required to fully enjoy ADTV. And isn't reading totally awesome?

Speaking of reading, have you wanted to be a writer, but all the scribbling or typing has prevented you from doing it so far? Do you wish there was a more tactile way of getting your thoughts down for others to see? Well now you can, with my new Tablet and Chisel set! Just like Moses bringing down the Ten Commandments, you too can spend an ungodly amount of time writing a page worth of stuff. Just take the tablet, place it on the ground, and chisel your thoughts into it. Just think of all the fun stuff you could write! Warning: Tablet may weigh in excess of 50 pounds. Warning: Chisel should not be used as a weapon, though it would be really easy and fun to do so.

And finally, are you tired of pressing buttons on your cell phone? Are your giant, fat fingers inaccurate at best when you're trying to dial? Well guess what. I've solved your problems. Introducing the rotary cell phone! Instead of stupid buttons, you simply insert your fingers into a small hole in a circle, rotate that circle until you can't rotate anymore, and release! Your time dialing will be tripled, maybe quadrupled! And with today's crazy hustle and bustle world, isn't it nice to just take fifteen or twenty minutes to sit down and dial a phone? Imagine how relaxing that sounds. Warning: Text messaging not available on rotary cell phones.