SAINTS WIN! Okay, so really I didn’t care that much about the Super Bowl, but I was rooting for the Saints because they had never been to the Super Bowl, they were the underdogs, and New Orleans deserved something good to happen to them finally. Also, after that onside kick to open the second half, Sean Payton is now my favorite coach in football. That man’s balls should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Anyway, there was a lot of commotion going into this year’s Super Bowl commercials. Before I address the ridiculousness on all sides of every issue, I want to know why commercials only get to be good during the Super Bowl? Why is it that the rest of the year we’re treated to boring, stupid, pointless commercials, and then once a year we have this focus on commercials? Maybe if commercials were entertaining all year, instead of offensively stupid, we wouldn’t fast forward through them all the time. It’s not like it’s more expensive to produce commercials that are entertaining. The Doritos commercials that dominated the Super Bowl weren’t technological marvels that cost millions to produce, but they were all very funny and very clever. Keep your hands off my mama, and keep your hands off my Doritos!

So the Tim Tebow commerical that got the pro-choicers all worked up before they had seen it, that was the talk of the radio and TV news programs, that caused righteous indignation to flare aired, and… it was less offensive than a commercial for Cialis. Tim’s mom talks about how he almost didn’t make it into this world, and she’s glad he did, and he tackles her, and they smile at the camera. So, to my allies on the left, pro-choice side of this debate, I have to once again say, YOU FUCKING SUCK. Way to go, you stupid bitches. Way to protest something you haven’t seen. Now it looks like you hate happy families. So now you look pro-abortion and anti-family. Stupid motherfuckers. Next time you want to get all up in arms about something, maybe you should have a fucking clue what you’re talking about so you don’t end up looking like fucking retards (my insincere apologies to Sarah Palin).

Then there was the Man Cruch ad that CBS banned because apparently two dudes kissing is the hardest thing we’d have to explain to our kids during the Super Bowl. Everyone on the right, anti-human rights (which is what I’m now calling the anti-gay marriage side of things) side praised CBS for saving us and our children and our dogs from having to watch this hardcore gay pornography during a sport that is already so homoerotic we have to act as manly as possible to push down those strange feelings we’re getting in our loins watching huge, burly men grope at each other for three hours. But wait! You can’t even see those guys kissing, and it’s actually a pretty damn funny ad. So, to all those people who think gays are agents of the devil sent here to turn us all queer, I once again say, YOU FUCKING SUCK. Hiding the fact that there are gay people in the world from your children isn’t going to make them gay/not gay. It’s going to make more of you dumbshit motherfuckers come into the world who pass on your hatred of your fellow man from generation to generation and keep us from advancing into the tolerant society we should be.

Finally, this Godaddy ad was banned for some reason. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s another gay person in it. Or… because it’s the only Godaddy ad that has ever actually shown what the hell Godaddy is? Actually, I can’t figure out why this one got banned. I’d say maybe it was the bikinis and lingerie, but football has fucking cheerleaders in the fucking sport, for fuck’s sake. All I know is, now that I’ve watched all three of those banned/controversial commercials, the thing I’m most offended by about the Super Bowl was the way they kept saying “New Or-lee-ans” like they’d never heard the place’s name before.