I had a dream last night that Terrell Owens was holding me hostage in my high school, along with the rest of the class, because of something Obama did. It went down like this: I was on the third floor of the school haggling with the music salesman about how much he was charging for singles. “I know singles cost more, but $8 for a song seems pretty pricy,” I said to him. He somehow convinced me that it wasn’t that much, so I ended up buying three songs from him for $20 (two for $8 a piece, and one for $4). Then I stood there confused for a second, then went to class, which was down on the first floor. This high school that’s in my dreams bears a certain resemblance to my actual high school, but it’s not the same. Strangely, it is the same high school every time I dream about being in high school.

Anyway, I went to class, and Terrell Owens barges in with a gun and starts saying stuff about Obama. I don’t really remember what Obama had done to him, or what he wanted from Obama, but he sure was upset. He left the classroom but left one of his hostage holding deputies there to keep us in line. He then either became omnipotent and was able to speak to everyone at the school with his mind, or he went and got on the intercom, but either way he started talking a lot about how he was upset with Obama. The dream ended when my alarm went off, perfectly timed with TO yelling “Obama! Obama! Obaaamaaaa!”

So, how about those Grammys? Did you see that Kings of Leon’s song “Use Somebody” was the single best "record" (read: song) released in 2009? It’s amazing that every single music magazine on the face of the Earth somehow missed that one! Since the Grammys are a televised music awards show, they must have picked up on it while the old, lame print media somehow had it slip under their radars. Because the Grammys are totally a real thing that people care about, they way they always take into account real music, and not just music that makes a ton of money and satiates the public’s desire to hear totally inoffensive, bland noises coming from their speakers. That’s why the best new band this year was totally the Zac Brown Band. Music journalists the world over have been talking up the Zac Brown Band as the best thing since Milli Vanilli! And while the print media rejected Eminem’s comeback album “Relapse” as the big pile of dog shit that it was (I listened to it) and instead favored “rap” like the universally acclaimed “Cuban Linx Part II” from Raekwon, the Grammys saw fit to bestow Eminem with the best rap album award, because let’s face it: it sold more copies.

The Grammys are a waste of space. They hand out awards based solely on the amount of iTunes downloads a song/album gets, it seems like. How else can you explain Judas Priest getting the best metal “performance” award? Those guys can hardly even stand on their own without use of breathing apparatti (can someone verify that’s a word?) and walkers. Did the Grammys even realize that Mastodon put an album out last year? No! Because Judas Priest sold a lot of copies. You can’t just pick up Billboard’s year-end-review issue and say “Since the Black Eyed Peas are technically music, and they sold a billion copies, they win the Best Pop Album award!” You have to actually listen to the music! Green Day won the Best Rock Album award? Granted, I didn’t listen to it, but I assume it’s more middle of the road, middle aged pop rock like their last album. And there had to be WAY better rock albums come out last year. Although I’m one to talk, since I could only really easily think of five genuinely great albums that came out last year.

In any case, the Grammys were right about two things: First, Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies” was the best song that came out last year. That’s science. Second, although I’m still not sold on Phoenix, they are now Grammy winners for Best Alternative Album. Which I guess means now all the indie kids who loved them are contractually obligated to call them sellouts and go find another band who no one has heard of to champion.