Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I’ve given up giving things up for Lent for Lent. And with that, the fabric of the universe was torn asunder, and your mind was BLOWN.

You may know that religion has always been something to me. First it was boring, then it was annoying, then it was the thing I hated most about the world, then it was something of a curiosity, which is about where it is right now. I often wonder why it is that God would care if you eat meat on Fridays, considering I’m pretty sure God didn’t invent Fridays and that the only reason Friday exists is because some scientists figured out how often the Earth rotates around the sun, and divided time down into years, months, weeks, and days. Equally strange is that God would care if meat and dairy get eaten together, or that cows are holy. For the record, equally strange is that God hates everyone that doesn’t believe the same thing you do, and that nobody seems to care that Jesus was a zombie for a few days.

Anyway, Lent. People give stuff up. Some people do it because God likes to see you suffer, and you don’t want to disappoint God. Other people do it as a kind of “character building” exercise, like after 40 days of not eating Taco Bell they’re going to emerge better and stronger than ever before. I tried to give up work for Lent and then shouting “Don’t persecute me!” when they told me you can’t give up work for Lent. But that didn’t work because I didn’t try it. I wonder…

Brian’s coming to visit in late March. The world’s two greatest minds together again. The men who brought you “Brian and Adam’s Crappy Home Video, Volumes 1-4” (soon to be available on betamax and laserdisc), reunited. Last time these two talents were in the same place, New York was bummed around for a few days. Comedy shows were seen, bookstores visited, drinks drinked, ferries ridden, Statue of Liberty seen. Just imagine what kind of Earth-shattering awesomeness might happen here in Denver, AKA, Colorado’s Biggest City. The big D. The mile high city. The Capital of Colorado. Revned Backwards.

Speaking of Rocky Votolato’s new album, let’s talk about preordering things. I feel like if I preorder something, I should get some kind of bonus. Either I should get the album early, or I should get something else special. Otherwise there’s no reason to preorder things. Suburban Home/Vinyl Collective always get the records to you weeks before they hit the street. I preordered Rocky V’s new album and I’ll be getting an exclusive 7”, which also happened when I preordered Chuck Ragan’s Gold Country. But some places just send you the album when it comes out, and so you end up getting it a week late, with no discount or special poster or song or anything. I think that should be illegal. I’m running for office on that platform when the midterm elections come up and the Democrats get rightly slaughtered at the polls.

Monday, February 22, 2010

I don't have many complaints with the QWERTY keyboard. I like the layout of the letters. The numbers above the letters -- a nice touch, for sure. But just today I discovered an ATROCIOUS and DEADLY flaw that all emasculated men should be wary of. (Note: I'm not an emasculated man myself, I just happen to be on the lookout for my Walter-from-A-Raisin-in-the-Sun brethren.) If you intend to use either the exclamation point (!) or left parenthesis ((), use utmost caution! For, one key to the left of each of these are perhaps the most vile symbols on the keyboard: ~ and *. Just today, in an email, I wanted to end a sentence with an exclamation point and a begin a new one in a parenthetical aside. However, I accidentally typed a ~ and * instead, making me look like a 12-year-old girl. If not for an immediate revision, I can only imagine the fallout. My public image? Shattered. For innumerable years. (Little known fact: In 1965, JD Salinger completed a sequel to "Catcher in the Rye" entitled "Phonies! (You Phony!)," but, due to a typo, the draft he sent his editor came out as "Phonies~ *You Phony~)." And we all know what happened to Salinger after that.)

I haven't been watching much of the Olympics, but I've caught a few events: figure skating, speed skating, luge, and what's that one where the skiers go down the hill, do a flip off a ramp, land, bounce off the little mounds of snow, do another flip off a ramp, land, bounce off more of those little mounds, then finish? Also, seriously, what were the originators of these sports thinking? Figure skating: "You know, I like dance and choreography as much as the next person, but doing it on dry land and a stage? BORING! I also happen to enjoy performing these moves with extremely sharp blades that could seriously disfigure people. What am I to do?" Or: "I like sledding, but how can I do it in a homoerotic way while also risking my life on a completely iced-over track?" Or: "I like skiing down a hill, doing a flip off a ramp, landing, bouncing off little mounds of snow, doing another flip, landing, and bouncing off more little mounds. What am I going to call this? Fuck if I know."

Rocky Votolato has a new CD coming out tomorrow. I'm seeing him on Wednesday, where I'll be purchasing the new album. As a result, I felt somewhat okay in my obtaining the mp3s through dubious means. My consensus: I like the new album quite a bit. "Makers" and "Suicide Medicine" are still stronger albums, in my opinion, but "True Devotion" is growing on me. As much as I liked "The Brag and the Cuss," it never really stuck with me, outside of a few amazing tracks. But "True Devotion" feels like a strong album. It's very stripped down -- just him, his guitar, and the harmonica on maybe one or two tracks. Some of the lyrics are kind of cringe-worthy ("I want to spend more time with you / because you make me happy. / It's something I'd been so little of."), but some of them are fantastic ("The harder you fight the tide, / the less likely you'll survive." And just wait until you hear him sing those lines -- great stuff). Bottom line: check it out.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Oh no, I somehow missed a total Super Bowl commercial scandal! The commercial that I thought was really funny with the little boy telling his mom’s new boyfriend to keep his hands off his mama and Doritos was racist! Darn. I can never pick out racism. I guess at this point I should assume that if there is something that features, mentions, talks about, shows, etc. people who aren’t white men, it’s probably racist, sexist, ageist, or some other kind of offense. And if it only features white men, it’s racist too! So apparently because the little boy is black, the commercial is actually subversively pointing out that black kids often get raised by single moms. Racism at its finest. As long as you totally discount the fact that there are tons of white people, Asians, Latinos, etc. that are also raised by single parents. And the boy slaps that guy in the face, showing that black people are physically abusive. AND, and I just thought of this one, the new boyfriend stares at the mom’s ass as she walks away: RACIST because it shows that black people love asses, and SEXIST because the woman is treated as a piece of meat! Also, the commercial is obviously racist because they don’t show a single white person, or Asian, or Latino, or Middle Easterner, or anything. It’s all black people! What are they, saying interracial relationships are wrong? And the name of their chips are Doritos! Sounds Mexican to me. Speak English in this country!

My point is, everything is an –ist if YOU are an –ist. The only reason you would see racism in that commercial is if YOU are a racist, inherently looking for that kind of thing. Otherwise, you just saw a funny commercial for Doritos. It’s a strange paradox that the people in this country screaming about how everything is racist are the people that are keeping racism alive. If one of these racists hadn’t brought up the notion that because black people were on TV it was racist, it wouldn’t have been racist. But now they’re actually talking about this on the radio like it’s a thing. It’s not a thing!

Sorry about all the f-bombs in that last post, but it had been a while since I went all f-crazy. We’ll try to keep that to a minimum in this post, okay?

FUCK Comcast up their fucking stupid fuckfaced fucking fuckholes. I fucking can’t stand those fucking shitwads, those fucking turd burglars, those fucking fuckwits. Fuck em. I got a DVR from those cock goblins last Monday, and yesterday the shitty piece of shit went out. Every time I push the goddamn play button the shitbox fucking resets itself! ONE WEEK I had the fucking piece of dogshit. One motherfucking week. So I’m talking to Comcast last night about it, and the asshat on the phone tells me that I can go exchange the thing for a new one. I asked him if this new shitty waste of plastic and metal would last more than a week, and he “assure”d me that it would, because they would make sure to give me a “good, working” unit this time. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE FIRST ONE? A fucking practical joke? Thanks for signing up for the DVR – to build you up to using one, we’re going to send you a box full of kitty shit and dog droppings, and once that one shits itself after a week, YOU can come to US to get your working one. And the guy’s going on and on like he’s doing me a favor by making this exchange free. I tell you what, Comcast. LAST fucking straw. See what happens when this one breaks. And if I can’t watch Lost tonight because of your shitty technology, the bomb threat you receive tomorrow will not be (unlike the garbage you try to pass off as a DVR) fake.

Monday, February 08, 2010

SAINTS WIN! Okay, so really I didn’t care that much about the Super Bowl, but I was rooting for the Saints because they had never been to the Super Bowl, they were the underdogs, and New Orleans deserved something good to happen to them finally. Also, after that onside kick to open the second half, Sean Payton is now my favorite coach in football. That man’s balls should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Anyway, there was a lot of commotion going into this year’s Super Bowl commercials. Before I address the ridiculousness on all sides of every issue, I want to know why commercials only get to be good during the Super Bowl? Why is it that the rest of the year we’re treated to boring, stupid, pointless commercials, and then once a year we have this focus on commercials? Maybe if commercials were entertaining all year, instead of offensively stupid, we wouldn’t fast forward through them all the time. It’s not like it’s more expensive to produce commercials that are entertaining. The Doritos commercials that dominated the Super Bowl weren’t technological marvels that cost millions to produce, but they were all very funny and very clever. Keep your hands off my mama, and keep your hands off my Doritos!

So the Tim Tebow commerical that got the pro-choicers all worked up before they had seen it, that was the talk of the radio and TV news programs, that caused righteous indignation to flare aired, and… it was less offensive than a commercial for Cialis. Tim’s mom talks about how he almost didn’t make it into this world, and she’s glad he did, and he tackles her, and they smile at the camera. So, to my allies on the left, pro-choice side of this debate, I have to once again say, YOU FUCKING SUCK. Way to go, you stupid bitches. Way to protest something you haven’t seen. Now it looks like you hate happy families. So now you look pro-abortion and anti-family. Stupid motherfuckers. Next time you want to get all up in arms about something, maybe you should have a fucking clue what you’re talking about so you don’t end up looking like fucking retards (my insincere apologies to Sarah Palin).

Then there was the Man Cruch ad that CBS banned because apparently two dudes kissing is the hardest thing we’d have to explain to our kids during the Super Bowl. Everyone on the right, anti-human rights (which is what I’m now calling the anti-gay marriage side of things) side praised CBS for saving us and our children and our dogs from having to watch this hardcore gay pornography during a sport that is already so homoerotic we have to act as manly as possible to push down those strange feelings we’re getting in our loins watching huge, burly men grope at each other for three hours. But wait! You can’t even see those guys kissing, and it’s actually a pretty damn funny ad. So, to all those people who think gays are agents of the devil sent here to turn us all queer, I once again say, YOU FUCKING SUCK. Hiding the fact that there are gay people in the world from your children isn’t going to make them gay/not gay. It’s going to make more of you dumbshit motherfuckers come into the world who pass on your hatred of your fellow man from generation to generation and keep us from advancing into the tolerant society we should be.

Finally, this Godaddy ad was banned for some reason. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s another gay person in it. Or… because it’s the only Godaddy ad that has ever actually shown what the hell Godaddy is? Actually, I can’t figure out why this one got banned. I’d say maybe it was the bikinis and lingerie, but football has fucking cheerleaders in the fucking sport, for fuck’s sake. All I know is, now that I’ve watched all three of those banned/controversial commercials, the thing I’m most offended by about the Super Bowl was the way they kept saying “New Or-lee-ans” like they’d never heard the place’s name before.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

I really enjoy Grape Nuts. But every time I pour myself a bowlful, I think that I'm eating the leftover remains of every other cereal at the Post factory. I picture all the different cereals fermenting in large tin tanks like you see at breweries. (Why cereal needs to ferment, I don't know.) And at the bottom of these tanks are sliding trays that collect all the crumbs. Then, at the end of the night, the Post workers empty, collect, and bag the leftovers, thus creating a box of Grape Nuts.

It was late last night, I was tired, and my cat came to visit me before I went to bed, as per the usual routine. So I was petting him and talking to him, like normal, when I noticed that he was repeating a lot of the same movements. i.e. he walked up to my pillow, then to the foot of the bed, then plopped down on his side, etc. So I said to him (corny joke alert), "If you keep doing the same thing over and over, I'm going to seriously think you have OCD: Obsessive Cat Disorder."

(Thanks to these two anecdotes, I think I understand now why it is I don't have many friends. Speaking of friends, though, I want to go out drinking with Rip Torn. But only if he looks all haggard like he does in that picture.)

Monday, February 01, 2010

I had a dream last night that Terrell Owens was holding me hostage in my high school, along with the rest of the class, because of something Obama did. It went down like this: I was on the third floor of the school haggling with the music salesman about how much he was charging for singles. “I know singles cost more, but $8 for a song seems pretty pricy,” I said to him. He somehow convinced me that it wasn’t that much, so I ended up buying three songs from him for $20 (two for $8 a piece, and one for $4). Then I stood there confused for a second, then went to class, which was down on the first floor. This high school that’s in my dreams bears a certain resemblance to my actual high school, but it’s not the same. Strangely, it is the same high school every time I dream about being in high school.

Anyway, I went to class, and Terrell Owens barges in with a gun and starts saying stuff about Obama. I don’t really remember what Obama had done to him, or what he wanted from Obama, but he sure was upset. He left the classroom but left one of his hostage holding deputies there to keep us in line. He then either became omnipotent and was able to speak to everyone at the school with his mind, or he went and got on the intercom, but either way he started talking a lot about how he was upset with Obama. The dream ended when my alarm went off, perfectly timed with TO yelling “Obama! Obama! Obaaamaaaa!”

So, how about those Grammys? Did you see that Kings of Leon’s song “Use Somebody” was the single best "record" (read: song) released in 2009? It’s amazing that every single music magazine on the face of the Earth somehow missed that one! Since the Grammys are a televised music awards show, they must have picked up on it while the old, lame print media somehow had it slip under their radars. Because the Grammys are totally a real thing that people care about, they way they always take into account real music, and not just music that makes a ton of money and satiates the public’s desire to hear totally inoffensive, bland noises coming from their speakers. That’s why the best new band this year was totally the Zac Brown Band. Music journalists the world over have been talking up the Zac Brown Band as the best thing since Milli Vanilli! And while the print media rejected Eminem’s comeback album “Relapse” as the big pile of dog shit that it was (I listened to it) and instead favored “rap” like the universally acclaimed “Cuban Linx Part II” from Raekwon, the Grammys saw fit to bestow Eminem with the best rap album award, because let’s face it: it sold more copies.

The Grammys are a waste of space. They hand out awards based solely on the amount of iTunes downloads a song/album gets, it seems like. How else can you explain Judas Priest getting the best metal “performance” award? Those guys can hardly even stand on their own without use of breathing apparatti (can someone verify that’s a word?) and walkers. Did the Grammys even realize that Mastodon put an album out last year? No! Because Judas Priest sold a lot of copies. You can’t just pick up Billboard’s year-end-review issue and say “Since the Black Eyed Peas are technically music, and they sold a billion copies, they win the Best Pop Album award!” You have to actually listen to the music! Green Day won the Best Rock Album award? Granted, I didn’t listen to it, but I assume it’s more middle of the road, middle aged pop rock like their last album. And there had to be WAY better rock albums come out last year. Although I’m one to talk, since I could only really easily think of five genuinely great albums that came out last year.

In any case, the Grammys were right about two things: First, Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies” was the best song that came out last year. That’s science. Second, although I’m still not sold on Phoenix, they are now Grammy winners for Best Alternative Album. Which I guess means now all the indie kids who loved them are contractually obligated to call them sellouts and go find another band who no one has heard of to champion.