Happy Columbus Day! I got on Facebook today to ask if anyone wanted to go see Joe Rogan at Comedy Works in Denver this weekend, and here’s what I saw as a few of my friends’ statuses:
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"The cruel policy initiated by Columbus and pursued by his successors resulted in complete genocide." Samuel Eliot Morison, from 'Christopher Columbus, Mariner'
Happy Columbus Day!

happy american genocide day everyone!

"They were well-built, with good bodies and handsome features.... They do not bear arms...They would make fine servants.... With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want." - Columbus
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Yes, it’s so fucking indie and counter-culture to hate on Christopher Columbus. How could he come over here and, in the mindset of every single person in the world during that time period, have thought these people would make good slaves? How could he start a wave of massacres that would result in the entire genocide of a people? Well folks, let’s have a little trip back in history.

Dateline: Any time in history
Location: Any place in history
Events: People went exploring, found a place they’d like to live, killed the people who lived there originally, and lived there

Well, wasn’t that fun? I’m sorry to say it, but that’s how the entire human race has expanded around the globe. I assume that the only reason everyone who’s up in arms about Columbus Day hasn’t moved back to the Old World to live in squalor is because they haven’t saved enough money to get a plane ticket. I guess they’re too busy spending their money on patchouli and hemp products to actually follow through on their empty stances. But man it must get you a lot of respect in the “Look at how fucking ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT we are!” crew that was born out of Conifer High School. I was listening to punk rock and fucking the man (wait…) long before these losers heard a song that wasn’t on the radio. Ah but I digress.

There are plenty of causes out there today that are worth fighting for: Legalizing marijuana, legalizing gay marriage, keeping abortions legal, fixing healthcare, etc. It’s so easy to say “Columbus was a murderer,” but he wasn’t. He was an explorer in the 1600’s. This is what they did. They explored. They conquered new places to expand their country’s reach. Generally conquering places involves violence. It’s like saying Columbus was an idiot because he couldn’t use a computer. Taking your 20th century viewpoints and applying it to things that happened 400 years ago is anachronistic and wrong. It’s like being against slavery at this point. It’s the easiest way to make yourself feel important.

So, people who protest Columbus Day, I challenge you to back up your stances. If you hate him so much, leave this land that he discovered. And yes, he discovered it, despite the fact that people lived here already. Trace your ancestry back to before you came here, go back to that country, live the life there. It might also interest you to look up the history of said country, because I bet you’ll find that at some point your ancestors came to that country, killed who or whatever lived there to begin with, and claimed it as their own. Get off your high horse, stop acting like you give a flying fuck about Native Americans, and please put an end to this bullshit mutual masturbation you all are so fond of doing, bloviating about all kinds of easy issues that you don’t have to do anything to support.

Happy Christopher Columbus Day, to everyone who thanks God or fate or whatever else every day that they get to live here instead of fucking Slovakia.

Sorry Slovakia.