Here is my long awaited review for Raditude: It sucks. But, it is not, in fact, as bad as it could be. The lead single I Want You To is Weezer’s usually deceptively catchy song, and the lyrics aren’t even terrible (compared to the rest of the album). In fact, there are several songs on the album that could be classified as “not bad.” The problem is, lyrically, this album is absolutely insipid. Rivers Cuomo has given up on writing lyrics about anything at all, but he really hasn’t forgotten how to write a catchy tune. If you were listening to this in the background, you could easily be duped into thinking this was Weezer’s best effort since Green. But as soon as you sit down and really give it a listen, you realize that you simply cannot forgive the lyrics. Every line rhymes, leading to painful, nonsensical lyrics that could actually be turned into a fun game (“Guess the rhyme and win!”). He writes songs for 13 year olds, which is more than a little offputting considering he’s got to be nearing 40. And, if you were wondering if the song titles, such as “I’m Your Daddy,” “The Girl Got Hot,” and “Can’t Stop Partying,” were really cleverly titled to make you think they’d be stupid but really aren’t, you’re wrong. The Girl Got Hot, for example, is about a girl who got hot, like when girls from the 80’s would take their hair down and take their glasses off. Can’t Stop Partying is actually not as bad as you’d think because it’s impossible for me to believe that it’s written as anything but ironic. With Lil’ Wayne stooping to new lows (although he does point out it’s Wheezy and Weezer, which totally explains his presence here) with his verse, Rivers basically turns any mainstream rap song into a Weezer song. It’s actually one of the better tracks because there’s no way to take it seriously. And, believe it or not, there is a song that I would classify as just plain old “good” on here. Put Me Back Together is the standout track on the album, even if it starts with the super awesome “When I walk down the street, I’ve been trippin’ on my feet. And my clothes they don’t match, and my blue jeans need a patch.” That should serve to show you what I’m talking about with the rhyming. Keep in mind those lyrics are poetry compared to 90% of the album. That said, the chorus is catchy as hell, and it’s really one of the best Weezer songs in years. Then there’s the second half of the album, which takes the surprisingly okay first half, shits all over it, and then eats it and shits it out again. Trippin’ Down the Freeway is a go nowhere song, Love is the Answer takes George Harrison’s worst Middle-Eastern sounding songs, complete with sitar, and makes them worse, even aping (and ruining) the Beatles “Love” themes. Let It All Hang Out starts out with a fancy guitar solo and then dissolves into a catchy but completely vapid chorus about Rivers hanging out with all the homies (his words) and letting it all hang out. In the Mall would run for one of Weezer’s worst songs if they hadn’t ever written the garbage that was Beverly Hills, and I Don’t Want to Let You Go deserves to be on the Top 10 Worst Songs to Ever End an Album. It’s boring, slow, goes nowhere, isn’t catchy, and features (guess what?) awful lyrics. Overall, the first half of the album is surprisingly good, especially if you don’t listen to the lyrics. The second half of the album is as bad as Weezer has ever been, especially if you listen to the lyrics.

I know I’m in the minority here, and I risk being called Scrooge, which would really hurt my feelings, but I really hate Christmas music. I hate it. I don’t want to say I hate all of it, because that’s probably not true, but I hate a good 99% of it. And I hate that radio stations start playing it constantly before December ever hits. I don’t know what it is about it, but everything just rubs me the wrong way. The lyrics are all stupid. The melodies are all too cheery. The fact that everyone who’s ever been on TV at some point decides to record a Christmas album, thinking, I guess, that they can breathe new life into these songs we’ve all heard a hundred million times before. I don’t even like it when artists I like put out Christmas albums (Sufjan Stevens). I don’t like the Christmas themed commercials, I don’t like the Christmas themed displays. I don’t like it when right-wing groups get all up in arms about the fact that not every sentence out of everyone’s mouth in December has something to do with Jesus the Christmas Monkey. Or whatever the hell Jesus was, or stands for nowadays. I don’t see why our country is in jeopardy if we say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Or vice versa. I will not boycott a store for saying Merry Christmas. I will not boycott a store for saying Happy Holidays. I will not boycott a store for saying Chappy Chanukkah. I hate how Christmas time is supposed to be this time of cheer and brother love, and every year I have to listen to these same wackos talking about how they hate anyone who doesn’t believe in Jesus or won’t say Merry Christmas. There are other holidays happening right now! Why exclude everyone else, OR why assume everyone you speak to is Christian? It’s not like people are saying Happy Holidays (fuck Christmas, and fuck your mother). Christmas is a holiday. So when people say Happy Holidays, they’re in essence saying “Merry Christmas, unless you don’t celebrate Christmas, in which case I still want you to have a good holiday season.” Now that I say it like that, I can see how it’s offensive. After all, anyone who doesn’t believe that Christ is the virgin-born son of God Almighty, who was born on Dec 25, year 0 AD, and whose non-fiction biography is recorded with 100% accuracy in the Bible, the greatest book ever written in the history of the 6000 year old world, is going to burn in hell anyway, so fuck ‘em. That said, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love getting to see my family, I love everyone being in the same place, and simply being grateful to be together. This Christmas I’m so thankful that I’m going to get to go home and see my grandma again. I think everyone knows this, but she had a stroke last week and she had to have brain surgery to fix an aneurysm. As of yesterday the ventilator she was on was removed, and she’s breathing on her own again. Talking to her makes me cry like a baby, but she knows who everyone is and she’s able to say “I love you.” It’s heartbreaking, but I’m so incredibly happy that I’ll get to see her for Christmas that the tears are worth it.

Next time: Meditations on life and death and religion, in a post that doesn’t mock religion nearly as much as usual. And, I’d like to sum up what I learned about myself and Brian by reading the old blog posts. Catch you later!