Hi folks, it’s me, Adam, your friendly driving instructor. It’s come to my attention that you could all use a little help driving in the snow. Don’t worry, it’s hard! Here are a few tips for you to follow to ensure that you get where you’re going without me taking a golf club to your car or your face:

1. 4 wheel drive doesn’t equal invincibility: You spent all that money on a big SUV, so naturally you would assume that because you have all four wheels spinning, you can drive 70 miles an hour and make hairpin turns on ice, right? Wrong! You’d also assume that you can stop on a dime from 50 to 0 in six inches of snow, right? Wrong! What you actually paid for when you got your SUV was a big vehicle that can see over other cars and gets shitty gas mileage and is hard to parallel park. While 4 wheel drive may help you accelerate up a mountain in the snow, it will not help you turn or stop, so if you could drive like a normal person, that would be great.

2. You are a snow moron. A snowron: There are two types of snowrons, so see which of these categories you fit into. Slow snowron. You’re a snowron who drives 10 miles an hour because there’s a dusting of snow on the road. You are a danger to everyone else on the road, and you’re preventing me from getting to work on time, and now my wife has to deliver the baby in the car because I couldn’t make it to the hospital. Enjoy having a large truck ram into you from behind because no one in their right mind expects to be coming up on someone “driving” 10 miles an hour. OR, fast snowron. You’re a snowron who gets fed up with people driving the speed limit in the snow and you want to see how fast you can get that rear wheel drive Vette going before you start spinning out. Hey, buddy, I’ll see you down the road a little ways, wrapped around a telephone pole. The correct speed to drive depends on the amount of snow. If there’s a dusting of snow, or there road has been cleared by other drivers driving on it, drive the speed limit! If there’s a ton of snow and every time you try to accelerate you slide sideways, drive slower!

3. Snow on sidewalk doesn’t equal snow on road: If it snowed but it’s been too warm recently to stick to the road, so the road is wet and the grass on the side of the road is snowy, you need to drive like it hasn’t snowed. If you want to enjoy the sights of snow, go for a hike or something, you weirdo.

4. Snow doesn’t mean there are no longer lanes on the road: Are you the first person to have driven on a road after the snow? Chances are, you’re not. But if you are, you still should have a sense of where lanes should be. For example, usually there is not a lane that drives down the exact center of a one lane road. Please use your driving senses to be in a lane. In the much more likely scenario that you’re on a road that’s been driven on extensively since it started to snow, do you see those tire tracks in front of you? That’s where people have been driving. You should drive in those too. Just because it snowed and you can’t see the lines on the road as clearly as before does not mean this is a time to be blazing your own swervy, nonsensical trail all over the road. There are still other cars on the road, and some may want to get by you at some point. We don’t see you as the fearless snow-driving leader you see yourself as.

5. Snow doesn’t mean parking lots are now lawless fields: Sure, there’s snow in the parking lot, and yeah, maybe you can’t see the lines. Are you the first person in the parking lot? Probably not, but if you are, there are usually light posts or some other kind of marker you can use to show you where the lanes for parking generally are. Pick one of these markers and park in front of it. Are you coming into a parking lot that other people have parked in? They’re probably parked in at least some kind of logical order, and you should know generally how big a parking spot is. So line your car up next to another car, at the same distance you always park from them. Good enough! That way we can avoid this phenomenon I’ve noticed of people slinging their cars into parking lots at all kinds of angles, with no regard to lanes or the fact that you might be taking up six parking spots because you’re sideways and in the middle of two rows. Snow on the ground does not give you a blank canvas to paint your parking masterpiece.

Hopefully those five tips help you. Snow driving is a very terrifying and altogether otherworldly experience that has no similarities whatsoever to real driving, but if we work together, we can attempt to hold some sort of coherence together through these trying times. If anyone else has any more snow driving tips, go ahead and comment them below.

Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with hot young girls! Shock? Awe? Honestly, Tiger is one of the people that I’d really hoped wouldn’t be succumbing to fame and fortune’s perils, but I’m not altogether surprised, and I don’t feel like he owes me an apology. As long as there are whores spreading ‘em open for men who are famous, there will be famous men cheating on their wives. The question is, is it impossible to be faithful to your wife nowadays? Maybe famous people aren’t a great example to look at because they’re all weird, but I know plenty of regular people in relationships who have cheated or been cheated on. Why do people get married anymore? Seriously. Tell me. The same reason people still subscribe to religions? Because their parents did? Because they feel like they should? Can you not have a fulfilling relationship with someone without signing a legal document to prove that you love each other?

I’ve been reading through the old blog entries from back before the Great Silence. I have two general observations: We were funnier then, and we were more boring then. I liked this line from one of the old posts: “They should call ‘Little Women’ ‘Little Women Sucks’ because it sucks.” Comedy gold. I’m also appalled at how many books I mentioned reading for class then that I have absolutely no memory of now. I think that just goes to show you, you immediately forget everything you did in school as soon as you’re not in it anymore.