I am sick. Being sick sucks. How did I get sick? I drink orange juice every morning. I eat a lot of green pepper (which I found out today has a lot of vitamin C). I wash my hands like I think they’ll shrivel up and fall off if I don’t keep them constantly watered (thanks, Mom!). And yet, here I am. Sick. As usual for me being sick, my nose is now glowing red. I took a nap in the car today and when I sat up, there was a snot waterfall that spewed out of my nose. A snotterfall, if you will (and you must!). When it didn’t stop for a while, I decided I’d pinch my nostril shut, and it exploded in a gross but hilarious snotsplosion!

Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol after this season, and although my heart has been shattered into tiny little pieces upon hearing this, I will saunter on. But now I’m tasked with suggesting someone to replace the man? I mean, who else could slouch behind a desk in a t-shirt, nipples erect, and say nasty things in a British accent? I suggest Chef Gordon Ramsey. Sure, he might not know much about music, but do you really need to? I can tell if someone can sing or not, and since America does all the voting after the totally obvious tryouts, I don’t think you need to know anything about anything to be on that show. Actually, I’ve changed my mind. I’d like to be the judge. I can go “It was bad.” Or I can go “It was good.” Or I can go “It was not good, but not bad, but okay, so yes.” And I can wear t-shirts. I have all the necessary qualifications. If anyone knows Mr. Americanidol, please get me in touch with him.

Good for Conan O’Brien, telling NBC where to shove it. Conan has always been my favorite late night talk show host, followed by Letterman, followed by Leno, followed by whatever else crap they put on (did you know Jimmy Kimmel still has a show?) And, the only parts I really liked about Leno were segments of his like Headlines, which didn’t really have anything to do with him. He’d just show funny headlines or typos in the paper. Jaywalking was funny when it first came about, but now you can tell it’s fake, and people give stupid answers on purpose in order to get on TV. Anyway, the point is, Leno said he was retiring, he handed the show to Conan, who’s much funnier and edgier anyway, then decided he didn’t want to retire, then NBC gave him a show at 10 for some reason, which wasn’t funny and wasn’t any different than The Tonight Show with Jay Leno except the show’s name changed (The Jay Leno Show), the band’s name changed (The Prime Time Band, from The Tonight Show Band), and they got rid of Jay’s desk. Ooooooo, way to go, NBC. If it weren’t for Thursday night’s comedy lineup on that channel, there would be no reason for it to still broadcast. So, now NBC wants to move Jay back to 11:30, bumping Conan, because Jay’s ratings at 10 were so bad that the affiliates lost so much 11:00 news viewership they threatened to revolt. Conan wisely and pleasantly declined to be bumped. So now there are two outcomes I see: NBC breaches Conan’s contract, pays him millions, and he goes to another network (Fox) to compete against Leno and Letterman. Or, Jay Leno gets fired. At this point, I think Leno’s time has come, and if NBC is smart, they’ll let him go and give Conan the backing he deserves. Which means the opposite will happen.

UPDATE: I'm publishing this "tomorrow morning" (I wrote this yesterday), and by the Glory and Grace of God Almighty On High, I feel much better. Or, more accurately, by the Glory and Grace of Vitamin C Supplements In Water, and Rest, I feel much better. Thanks God/Vitamin C Supplements and Sleep.