I'm not sure that tipsy/drunk is the best way to write the last couple of captions for these top 25 albums. However, that's the way it goes. Top 5 albums of all time, coming up:

5. Guns N’ Roses – Use Your Illusion (I & II)
I’m lumping these together because they’re a double album, despite the fact that they were released separately. If someone wants to get technical, I’ll say that I slightly prefer II, but that’s moot because I’m lumping them together, so get over it. Don’t Cry. November Rain. Estranged. Live and Let Die. Coma. Civil War. Yesterdays. Knockin on Heaven’s Door. Come on, this/these is/are the best rock and roll album/albums ever made, by the best pure rock and roll band there ever was. Don’t try to argue with me, because I’ll play you one of Slash’s endless awesome guitar solos and you’ll have no choice but to slink away defeated.

4. Lagwagon – Let’s Talk About Feelings
To give you an idea how short this album is, the vinyl version is a 10” instead of the usual full length 12”. However, these are the best 25 minutes of straight up punk (albeit poppy punk) music that I’ve ever heard. The songs blaze in and out of each other, each song basically leading into the next. The lyrics are some of the best that Joey Cape ever wrote. And there’s not a bad song on here. A lot of people would put this album near the bottom of Lagwagon’s catalog, but those people are all stuck on the metal leanings of Trashed (also a great album) or the harder punk edge of Hoss (also a great album). In the end, though, people who aren’t hung up on their punk being too punky should realize that this is the best Lagwagon album, and in my mind, the best punk album I’ve ever heard.

3. Against Me! – Reinventing Axl Rose
This was a toss up between this one and Searching for a Former Clarity, but in the end, for me, this album was much more important. Early Against Me! (up to and including this album and The Disco) is much more raw and dirty than later Against Me!, and that’s what attracted me to this album and this band so much. Lyrically superior to any later album, nothing else I’ve ever heard or read has made me want to be a nihilistic anarchist more than this album. And while Tom Gabel and I both realize at this point that that’s stupid, I still get a little rush listening to this album. Against Me! has become one of my favorite all time bands, with my favorite all time live show, and that all happened because of this dirty folk-acoustic-punk album.

2. Bad Astronaut – Houston We Have A Drinking Problem
Aside from having one of the best album titles ever, this mix of punk rock, prog rock, space rock, and really every type of rock, is the modern album that I have related to more than any other. The great rock music here is unmatched in my opinion. Joey Cape is basically my musical hero, and this album is a conglomeration of all the reasons why: great lyrics, layers upon layers of instrumentation, and just plain awesome songwriting combine to make this the best modern album I’ve had the privilege of listening to. The message boards at punknews.org might not get it due to their narrow-mindedness, but I swear, the first time I heard this was the musical equivalent of witnessing the creation of the universe or Jesus’ miracles first hand. Unbelievably good, from lovingly created first note to lovingly created last.

1. The Beatles – Abbey Road
The Beatles could basically populate half of this top 25 list. Rubber Soul, Magical Mystery Tour, the White Album… they’re all great albums. But when I think of the best albums ever recorded, the b-side of Abbey Road is so far ahead of everything else that this is a no-brainer. People can say the Beatles were overrated as much as they want, but the medley(s) that populate(s) the end of this album prove that these four men together were the best singers/songwriters that ever lived. Abbey Road in unquestionably the best album that has ever been written and played, and I can pretty much guarantee that no album will ever surpass the genius contained in this piece of wax/plastic, ever.

Yay!

Alright, now that that's over, I'm going to really try to continue to update this fairly often. I've already started to regain that magic that I used to feel from the written word. I've got a Word file open with some topics to write about, and the urge to write. We'll see what happens.

Love, Adam

Sorry no update yesterday. Lost and Top Chef. You know how it is.

10. The Weakerthans – Left and Leaving
Really, any Weakerthans album is going to be better than 95% of the stuff that comes out in any given year. Left and Leaving, though, was another one of those albums that came to me and changed my life. Maybe not in any earth shattering ways, but this is an album I can point to and say it opened my eyes to a whole new genre of music. The lyrics on here are most likely the best that I’ve ever heard in music, with the first half of the album being an absolutely perfect set of songs. The album slows in its second half, but overall this is a soul crushingly beautiful piece of music.

9. Green Day – Dookie
You’ll notice a theme for a lot of the albums on this list, and that theme is that it’s usually a band’s earlier work that gets them on here. For all the hoopla about American Idiot and how it was supposedly the best rock album ever released, it didn’t even come close to Dookie in terms of quality of music. In fact, few albums I’ve ever heard have been so enjoyable to listen to. Basket Case could be the first “punk” song I ever heard. Also, “Longview,” “She,” “Welcome to Paradise,” and really every song on here is awesome stuff.

8. The Offspring – Smash
Another early album that trumps all the stuff that came after it, Smash is one of the albums that stand out in my mind as influential in my musical tastes. The Offspring here were in just the right mindset, creating great punk rock tunes while still bringing out their silly side in appropriate doses (not like the doses that created the second half of Americana). I remember playing four square in sixth grade (oh, so innocent) singing “You stupid dumbshit goddamn motherfucker!” with my friends. It still kind of amazes me how parents can delude themselves into thinking they can protect their kids from things. But that’s another topic all together. This album is the goddamn motherfucking shit, though.

7. Weezer – S/T (Blue)
To anyone discerning music fan about my age, the question Blue Album or Pinkerton has to have been asked multiple times. I’ve floated back and forth between the two albums and I’m pretty set in that this one is a tiny bit better than Pinkerton (though both are approximately one googol times better than anything else Weezer has released). This album was nerd rock at its finest, with songs about Buddy Holly, the garage, surfing, dreaming, and other totally rocking subjects. Its unassuming nature is one of its greatest strengths, and really, there’s not a filler song or a down moment on this, Rivers Cuomo’s shining moment.

6. Foo Fighters – The Colour and the Shape
Dave Grohl seems like he’s subconsciously trying to get back to this album. He’s put out a double album with one side being hard rockin’ electric songs and the other being acoustic. He’s put out an album where he basically went around saying “We’re trying to mix electric and acoustic songs! We’re trying to change the world of music!” And, perhaps ironically, before any of this strange line of thought that no one has ever mixed loud and soft music before occurred, he put out The Colour and the Shape, which masterfully mixed loud and soft, electric and acoustic. And apparently he wasn’t even trying back then. “Everlong” is one of the best songs ever written. “Monkey Wrench” rocks harder than maybe any other Foos song ever. “February Stars” is beautiful. And every other song on here offers something, starting with the soft “Doll” and ending with the rocking anthem “New Way Home.” I’m kind of surprised that Dave Grohl seems to have missed the fact that he already put out his dream album, but I’m not surprised that he seems to subconsciously want to put it out again.

Does anyone actually care that Michael Phelps smokes weed? Jesus Christ, it seems like we have more important things to worry about. Also, does anyone actually think they can form a convincing argument for pot being illegal? It's like alcohol but much better and safer, plus fewer calories!

15. Lucero – Tennessee
Lucero has put out a bunch of great southern rock albums, full of great southern rock songs, but the one that has to stick out as the absolute best is their second album, Tennessee. Songs like Here At the Starlite, Nights Like These, and pretty much every other song on the album are simple, rocking songs complete with awesome guitar work and great lyrics. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Lucero are keeping rock and roll alive.

14. Mountain Goats – The Sunset Tree
Unlike some of the other bands on this list that I had trouble picking the best albums of, this one was a no brainer. Not to say that the Mountain Goats haven’t put out a lot of good albums; they have. The Sunset Tree, however, is far and away the best album Mr. Darnielle has released. For this one he turned his microscope inward, and what results are some of the most painfully honest songs ever put to tape. This is his best use of the full band, and nearly every song on here could squeeze a tear from any cold hearted bastard who gives it a listen.

13. Alkaline Trio – Maybe I’ll Catch Fire
It was between this album and From Here to Infirmary, but I picked Fire because it’s more diverse than the other album, and the high points on this album are several of the best songs Alk3 has ever released. Find someone who doesn’t like the song “Radio” and I’ll find you a liar. Other tracks like “You’ve Got So Far to Go,” “Fuck You Aurora,” and the title track reach soaring heights that this band has never reached before and never will reach again.

12. Blink 182 – Dude Ranch
Alright, look. For one brief shining moment, Blink-182 came together and released what could be the best pop punk album ever made. This is that album. What came before and what came after were decent efforts, but Dude Ranch is one hell of an album. I remember when my step sister Taylor (God rest her soul) first played me this on a cassette tape in the back of the car on a dark ride home from somewhere, and from that night onward, my musical tastes were changed. Later, my friend Ryan Priest reminded me of how good this was. I’ve moved on to other music since then, but this album will always hold a special place in my heart.

11. Thursday – Full Collapse
Listening to Full Collapse is a journey through a sonic landscape. That sounds weird, but I remember when I first experienced this album, it was like nothing I had ever heard before. Now looking at the mess of terrible screamo bands this spawned, it’s kind of hard to judge on its original merits, but I had never heard anything even close to it, and still it’s the best example of how to do melodic hardcore or whatever you want to call it. Geoff’s vocals were the exact right amount of off pitch, the screams were perfectly timed, and the production focused on the right amount of punch at the right times. Try not to scream along to “Understanding in a Car Crash,” “Autobiography of a Nation,” “Paris in Flames,” “I Am the Killer,” or really any other song on here. Thursday has never been CLOSE to this good, before or since.

Stay tuned for more!

How do you like this? Look at all the timely updates! The list continues:

20. Osker – Idle Will Kill
This little album was really hated by just about everyone who wrote a review about it, but I think that’s because anyone who wrote a review about it was a punk rock kid, and they were disappointed that this album was slower, richer, fuller, and much much better than Osker’s first album. This is an emotionally honest and pretty album that deserves a better lot in life than it got.

19. Saves the Day – Stay What You Are
Saves the Day changed for the better with this album. While their first albums were catchy pop punk, this is a dark album that almost defies genre. Chris Conley’s vocals are the best here that they will ever be, the lyrics are excellently evil, and the album is one of the best I’ve ever heard

18. NOFX – Punk in Drublic
When it came to NOFX, I knew I had to put one of their albums on here because to anyone who’s honest with themselves, NOFX is hands down one of the best punk bands of all time. I went with Punk in Drublic because it blends their old, harder stuff with their newer catchier stuff perfectly. It’s an iconic album in punk rock, and with good reason.

17. Boysetsfire – After the Eulogy
Speaking of blending hard and catchy music, you won’t find many albums that do it better than this one. It alternates between blistering hardcore songs and well constructed poppier songs with ease, and the lyrics found on this disc are nothing short of astounding. It all culminates in “My Life in the Knife Trade,” which is hands down the best song this band ever wrote, and one of my all time favorites.

16. Okkervil River – The Stand Ins
I’ve been listening to Okkervil River since Black Sheep Boy, which I thought was a great album. Then I heard The Stage Names, which I thought was a great album. And then last year I heard The Stand Ins, which I must have listened to more than any other album last year, and I’m still not sick of it. The songs swell from quiet to loud and back again with ease. The instrumentation is diverse and appropriate, not overusing horns or strings, but bringing them in when it benefits the song. And the lyrics, as always, are spectacular. Will Sheff doesn’t have the best voice in music, but he does write some of the best songs, and from start to finish, this album doesn’t disappoint.

I think I'm going to post these top 25 in fragments, so that I don't have one pages long post. So without further adieu, here are the first five:

25. Sleep Station – After the War
Sleep Station’s albums up to this point were half filled with masterfully constructed acoustic songs and half filled with filler. This album was and still is their best album to date, and one of the prettiest albums I’ve ever heard.

24. The Avett Brothers – Emotionalism
The Brothers have gotten better with each release, and this latest full length is their best yet. It’s a great bluegrass rock album with catchy songs and lyrics that go straight to the heart. It’s hard to listen to this album and not feel something.

23. Against All Authority - 24 Hour Roadside Resistance
This is kind of an odd duck on this list, as most of the bands on here have multiple albums that I really like. This is far and away AAA’s best album, nailing the gritty feel of the band, and featuring blistering punk rock songs with a message. A complete head and shoulders above all their other efforts, this is one of the best straight up punk albums I’ve ever heard.

22. The Lawrence Arms – The Greatest Story Ever Told
I had a rule in creating this list that I couldn’t have more than one album per band on the list. Narrowing The Lawrence Arms’ amazing catalog of music down to their best album was extremely hard, but in the end, the album that had the most effect on me was this one. Featuring the best of Chris’s softer songs and the hardest of Brendan’s rougher songs, this is the greatest story this band has ever told.

21. Gin Blossoms – New Miserable Experience
From start to finish, this is an amazing pop rock album. It was so long ago that I first heard this, and still today it’s one of my favorites ever.

Okay, so I've worked it out with my top 25 albums of all time. I'm not happy with the list, but how could anyone ever be happy with such a list? And keep in mind here that I have certainly not listened to all or even many of what any music historian would call the greatest albums of all time. These are going to be the 25 that I have enjoyed the most, or have meant the most to me. But first I thought I would publish a list of albums that I considered that DID NOT MAKE THE TOP 25. So I will call these:

The Rest

AFI - The Art of Drowning
Animal Chin – 20 Minutes from Right Now
The Anniversary – Your Majesty
Armchair Martian – Who Wants to Play Bass?
Audio Karate – Lady Melody
Brother Ali – Shadows on the Sun
Cadillac Blindside – These Liquid Lungs
The Coup – Pick a Bigger Weapon
Dead to Me – Cuban Ballerina
Dillinger Four – Civil War
The Eagles – Desperado
Fifth Hour Hero – Not Revenge, Just a Vicious Crush
Filmmaker – An Invitation to an Accident
The Gaslight Anthem – The ’59 Sound
Gomez – In Our Gun
Good Riddance – Operation Phoenix
Iron and Wine – Our Endless Numbered Days
Laymen Terms – Drive to Nowhere: Verity’s Novel
Less than Jake – Anthem
Mad Caddies – Keep it Going
Manchester Orchestra – I’m Like a Virgin Losing a Child
Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s – The Dust of Retreat
Propagandhi – Potemkin City Limits
Radiohead – OK Computer
Rancid - …And Out Come the Wolves
Rilo Kiley – More Adventurous
Rise Against – Revolutions Per Minute
RX Bandits – The Resignation
Elliott Smith – XO
Soundgarden – Down on the Upside
Stars – Set Yourself on Fire
Strung Out – Twisted by Design
Sufjan Stevens – Seven Swans
The Suicide Machines – A Match and Some Gasoline
Ted Leo + Pharmacists – Hearts of Oak
Thrice – The Illusion of Safety
Rocky Votolato – The Brag and Cuss
TV on the Radio – Dear Science

I'll post the actual top 25 later, when I've written a little something about each album. These above are great albums in their own right, the best album by each band listed. If you want, you should check them out.

I was talking to Cam recently, and he said he's writing in his blog again. And I said what, you shut up, just like that, with no quotation marks and lots of commas. And that, along with (my) Leslie's constant prodding to write more, has convinced me that I should write more. A hobby. Try and bat away the boredom demons by striking at a keyboard. So here we are. Honestly I don't even remember what I used to write about on here. So to all my nonexistent after all time time readers, I'm sorry if whatever shows up here in the future doesn't live up to the soaring and unrealistic expectations set by the old writings. If you're like me and you'd like to relive those glory days, the posts are preserved here indefinitely. Classics like "Adam's Driving School" and "You're Not Going to Pass Your Old Valentine's Custard Off on Me" will live forever. New classics will surely be created. I guess what I'll plan on doing from now on is just post any fiction I make up, any rants I feel like writing about, and some other crap. Which, I guess, is probably exactly like it used to be.

I was talking to Cam recently, and we decided that it would be cool to try to come up with our top 25 albums of all time and post them. I think that I'll do that very soon, possibly even today. If I can make those kinds of important decisions in such a short time. Actually the main purpose of this first post was for me to remember how the hell I log into this thing. With that mission obviously accomplished, I will bid you adieu for now.

Two years later, this is the first thing I've written in a long time.

Goodbye.

The train station, the sky burning more and more as the sun sets appropriately behind the mountains. My eyes welling up with tears, I look down and to the left. I play with my fingers anxiously, waiting to hear that final boarding call. To see the train suddenly lurch away. I will stand here in this spot until the train is a speck disappearing into that vast unknown and then I will stand here some more. Eventually I will turn and walk to my car, drive home alone. I will stare at the ceiling fan, circling slowly like vultures and wonder how this place ever felt alive, like home. The corners of the room in shadow, everything of you gone. You, gone.

For now I tell you I have something in my eye as my lip quivers and my voice wavers. I cough out a laugh you won’t share with me and try to think about something. Songs run through my head that used to mean something and now mean something else entirely. I try to convince myself that it was all bad and no good, but I keep coming back to that day when the season was slipping into autumn and you sat next to me on a bench in the park in front of the lake that had the fall’s first leaves floating on it, and you spoke.

Hello.

You know, I'm kind of getting tired of bikers. Bicyclists. Whatever the PC term for them is these days. I kind of get the feeling they think they're better than me. Well you know who else rides bicycles? The Chinese. And they kill female babies. So just think about the company you keep, bicyclists, next time you're all cocky because you're getting exercise and saving the environment.

I used the f-word a record 8 times in my last entry.

I need to talk to the people who make "Movie" movies such as Date Movie and Scary Movie. Having recently watched Scary Movie 4 and Date Movie, I feel like I need to write a thesis on the difference between "reference" and "parody." A parody is when you take something familiar, like a scene from another movie, and twist it into something original which makes fun and enlightens the original. A reference is when you take something familiar and be like "remember that?" and don't add anything at all to it. A "reference" is not funny. Please discontinue the use of reference if you want to keep passing off your movies as comedy.

I've been working on this next idea for quite a while. In my years and years and years and years of driving I have noticed certain behaviors that some drivers exhibit fairly frequently, which earns them the title of "Bad Drivers." These behaviors I will now document in the hopes of dissuading people from using them. This is...

Adam's Driving School:
1. When you see a turn lane and you need to turn, get into it. The turn lane is a lane for a reason, so that people who want to turn can line up behind each other and not hold up traffic. Under no circumstances should you wait until you get up to the turn, or even until the turn lane is half past, before you get over. Get over as soon as the turn lane forms.
2. On the same token, when you're approaching a turn lane and are going to turn, get into the turn lane before you start to brake. Turn your wheel sharply to get over, don't sit there drifting between lanes for fifteen seconds. And once you're in the turn lane, slow down. Under no circumstances should you begin braking while still in the main road. The purpose of a turn lane is also for deceleration. If you slow down while still in the main road, you will cause other people to hate you.
3. Use your blinkers. I realize that this can be a daunting task because to use blinkers you have to move one of your fingers that are already on the steering wheel slightly, but if you'd like to not get into accidents, you need to tell people where you're going. If you're at a four way stop and you need to turn left, place you left blinker on. This will let the person across from you know that you're not going straight, and therefore he won't go while you go, and therefore you won't get hit in the side. If you don't use blinkers, I will follow you home and pull a citizen's arrest on your driver's license.
4. If you're driving down the highway and someone is six inches behind you, survey your surroundings. Are you in the left lane? Are you driving the speed limit or slower? If so, then you are encountering the international symbol for "Get the hell into the slow lane, you slow bastard." At this point, get into the slow lane, which is the rightmost lane on the highway.
5. On the other side of the coin, if you are riding someone's ass, you had better be planning on going faster than them for the forseeable future. Under no circumstances should you ride someone's ass, then pass them, get in front of them, and slow way down. It is not necessary to always be in the front of the line.
6. If your cruise control is set to 61 and you need to get into the fast lane to pass someone whose cruise control is set to 60, you need to speed up. Passing when going one mile an hour faster than someone will take days, and the people who want to do 65 or 70 will want to hurt you and your family if you cause them to wait for you to pass someone for a week.
7. Turning your blinker on as soon as you start going down an onramp onto the highway will not help you merge into traffic if you're still doing 40 when you hit the highway. Instead of preemptively blinkering, try speeding up to highway speed on the onramp. That is, after all, what it is for. If you are one of the people who cruises down the onramp at 35 and then hit the traffic moving 75 on the highway, you should know that you are the person who causes accidents and traffic jams, as everyone has to slow down while you think about hitting the gas.
8. When you turn onto a new street, you have to pick a lane immediately. You are not allowed to drive on top of the lane dividing lines while you think about the pros and cons of each lane.
9. I kind of stated this earlier, but if you need to change lanes, change lanes. Blinker it, and then go for the switch. You should be in a new lane in less than two seconds. If you're still working on getting into the new lane 10 seconds later, you are a bad driver.
10. Put your makeup on and read your paper and eat your breakfast before you get in the car so we don’t have to honk at you when the light turns green. Also, you can estimate when the light will turn green by watching other cars. When the cars going perpendicular to you stop moving, you can bet that your turn is coming soon. Pay attention when you're at a red light, and when you're driving in general, and everyone's day on the road will go much smoother.
11. There's no need to have 15 furlongs between you and the guy in front of you when turning left on a green turn arrow. When he goes, you can go and stay right behind him. That way, instead of having three cars get through a turn arrow, eight cars can go. It's amazing.
12. A right turn does not imply a stop sign. You are allowed at a green light or at no light to keep moving when you turn right. Your car will not roll over if you turn at some speed. Don't turn at like 70, but you really really don't need to bring traffic to a grinding halt to turn gently onto your street.
13. If you see a sign that says that the left lane is closed in 1000 feet, you should get to the right within the next couple hundred. If you wait 998 feet to get over because you can fly by all the slow movers in the right lane, you're an asshole and you're going to hell.
14. If you see one of these guys who flies all the way down to where the lane is actually closed and then expects to be let in, you must get 3 inches behind the guy in front of you to not let him in. People like that need to be forced to wait until every single car has gone by. In this situation there should be an unbreakable line of cars to punish this guy for thinking he's allowed to bypass traffic like that. Ideally the wait should be two to three hours for the guy. Once you're comfortable enough with driving three inches behind the car in front of you, you can add a nice touch like looking at the guy in the left lane and smiling as you crawl by him.
15. The horn is for alerting people of something they might not be aware of, like if a light has turned green and the person in front of you has not moved for 5-10 seconds. Press it gently and only for a second, and then let go. Repeat as needed until the person has moved. The horn is not for expressing anger, nor for saying hello to someone you know. Please cut down on noise pollution and stop honking at every single thing that happens on the road.

I'm sure there are more, but that's my list so far. If you have any of your own tips, go ahead and post them in the comments.

F-word count for this post: 0

I sure have cleaned up my act. Until next time, you have a wonderful life.

It occurred to me last night that the sound of a faraway train at night is one of the most haunting, beautiful, comforting things in the world. I don't know what it is, but that mournful wail as the beast moves past off into the darkness is just... great. I love it. Maybe it reminds me of my grandparents' house or something, but I just love it.

That said, let me tell you what is going down. The end of the world may be near, but Jesus will not be making an appearance. I mean, when you're getting stood up by someone, how long do you wait? An hour, maybe a little longer if you're really desperate? Jesus must be absolutely wonderful in bed if you're still waiting for him to show up two thousand years later. But I got news for you... he's found someone else. He's not showing up. I'm sorry.

That said, let me tell you about Mel Gibson. He's a racist, anti-semetic ass. There, simple as that. I have really just two things to say about that, then something to say about celebrities in general.

1. Alcohol does not make you say things you don't mean. Sure, it may make you say "I love you" when you don't mean it in the romantic sense, but you may just mean "I (want to make) love (to) you." Close enough. But when you say "Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," I don't think what you're trying to say is "(I want to be) fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for (great sex, which I want to have). What you're saying is that you're a racist ass who thinks he's fucking Jesus.

1b. All because you can act (read: pretend to be someone you're not [read: lie well]) doesn't mean you get to preach to people, so please stop telling us how to think and feel, and for the love of God, stop making movies about Jesus.

1c. When that Jesus movie came out I remember people saying it renewed their faith. I find it sad that faith can be swayed by Mel Gibson, who hates Jews. What this says to me is that, by proxy, the people who said the Passion of the Christ renewed their faith hate jews, but love driving drunk. Just like their Lord and Savior, Mel Gibson!

2. I'm sick and tired of people getting pulled over for driving drunk and then saying "I am an alcoholic, pity me!" You know what that gets you, if say you show up drunk to work one day and pull the "I'm an alcoholic" line? It gets you fired. So Mel Gibson, what you should be saying if you want to win my forgiveness, is "I'm a fucking ass. I put other people's lives in danger because I'm too cool to call a taxi after I've been drinking. I do stupid things, and I don't deserve pity, because I'm a racist, a bigot, an anti-semite, and a person who should know better, especially considering the sway I have in people's lives because of my (undeserved) position in society." But maybe what I should be pulling from this story is that Jesus is a drunk driving Jew hater. I had no idea. Thanks, Mel!

My thing I have to say about celebrities is pointed towards Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, and basically all other celebrities. Shut the fuck up and make movies. Please. You're stupid, weird, and all because you have media exposure doesn't mean you get to say all this crazy shit. If any of us normal folks said half the shit you say, we'd be locked up in the loony bin. If you don't shut the fuck up, I won't be able to watch movies anymore. I can't watch Signs without seeing a crazy drunk Neo-Nazi, and I can't watch any Tom Cruise movies with a straight face. Please, for all moviegoers... shut up. That is all.

I have a thing or two to say about religion as well. I don't like it or subscribe to the idea, because it's not Jews causing all the wars, it's religion. That's a fact. But what is also a fact is that for normal, everyday people that I have met throughout my life, religion is a calming, consoling institution. I have met people in recent months who through their faith in God have been carried hopeful through deaths, car crashes, and other devastating things that would put me in a terrible mood. They say things like "God is still good" or "I figure this is a test" and other things like that that I don't really understand, but just hearing the amount of consolation that religion gives these people really lifts my mood and calms me. As in many other facets of life, there is a difference between the institution and the common man. I cannot stand the institution of religion, as it does nothing but foster hate between people. But more and more, I am coming to appreciate the common man's understanding of religion, as it seems to foster inner peace, which produces outer peace. The Christians I meet in my daily life are among the most pleasant people to talk with. The Chrisian Church is a hate mongering institution. I don't really understand this whole idea myself, but I find it very interesting.

One last thing I think I've decided about apathy. I find myself very apathetic towards what's happening in the Middle East because I'm just tired of it. Let the fuckers kill themselves. They've been doing it for thousands of years. I think they like it. If they didn't like it, they'd stop. I think Americans are apathetic about things that happen far away because we have more important things to worry about, like our daily lives. I'm sorry innocent people die far away, but I don't know them, and honestly, I don't really care about them. If that makes me insensitive or apathetic, so be it, but I can't care about every single thing in the world. They made the problem, they can solve it, either through peace like people, or through a nuclear bomb like barbarians. Either way, I'll keep watching to see what happens, but honestly, what I'm going to have for dinner tomorrow matters more to me than what happens over there. Does that make me a bad person or do you kind of deep down feel that way too?

See ya! Wouldn't want to smell ya!

See, I told you it’d be less than a year before I updated this thing again. And, unlike Adam’s mini-post, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this is a real, 100%, full-fledged update. Hell, an update and a half, even. “What’s the half?” you ask? You’ll just have to wait and see.

So I had this great revelation today on the highway. I saw, in the distance, this huge gigantic truck that probably feasts on babies when the moon is full, and it was towing what appeared to be an iron lung (if the iron lung were blown up to three or four times its size). Turns out this thing was supposed to be an RV of sorts, but, from a distance, it looked very much like an iron lung. Anyway, as I approached, I spotted one of those marks of the devil, a “W ‘04” sticker on the back of the RV. And then a “W for President” sticker on said freakishly large truck. Then, as I got even closer, I had to take a look and see who my new best friend was: an octogenarian hunched over the steering wheel, wearing thick glasses. And that’s when it hit me. I suddenly understood why senior citizens and Bush tend to go together hand in hand. (Disclaimer: Yes, I have met 60+ year olds who do not like Bush. But, if one were to make a broad, sweeping generalization [which we do very well here], then one would conclude that the elderly tend to side with Bush. There.) The reason? These old folks are all too aware of their own mortality. They’ve spent a wonderful 70 (or so) years on this planet. They’ve been through wars, they’ve seen voyages into space. They’ve (somewhat) integrated themselves into a world with booming new technology (Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens is still working on it. He’ll get it soon enough -- once the tubes to his computer clear up). But yet, science and technology cannot reverse the fact that they will one day (fairly soon) die. And they are bitter about this fact – rightly so. But, rather than find solace in living a life that, by most accounts, is well spent, they want to take everyone down with them. So with every natural disaster that goes unmediated, with every Bush mandate that defies the imperative of global warming, with every human rights violation that occurs under our watch, these senior citizens get more and more giddy. Because they know, deep down inside, that, soon enough, we’ll all be joining them. And that’s why they like Bush. They don’t like Bush because he’s Bush. They like him because of the fact that he disregards any sort of forward or progressive thinking that looks into the future and realizes, “Hey, we need to do something about this or we’re fucked.”

Here’s a practice SAT question for all of you struggling with reading comprehension. What did we learn from the above paragraph?
A. Brian likes to use parentheses. Embedded ones, even.
B. Global warming exists. So let’s do something about it.
C. I don’t know. I’m still bummed about the fact that I had to write an essay. And, not only that, but sign an honor pledge in cursive. I haven’t had to use cursive since, like, the third grade. So now I’m afraid that, when the people reviewing my essay see my honor statement, they’ll think I’m illiterate.
D. Who would really want to tow an RV that looks like an iron lung?
E. Brian is capable of writing Thoreau-ian, tome-length paragraphs, but he’s not happy about it.
F. “Tubes”??? Senator Stevens can’t be serious, can he? What, does he think he’s at the bank, making a deposit?
G. I’m glad you bring up the thing about the stickers, because that reminds me: You know those “Power of Pride” bumper stickers with the waving American flag? What are those all about, huh? The people who have those on their car seem to think it’s a good thing, when all I can think about when I see them is the fact that the real power of pride is that it usually leads to overzealous nationalism, which doesn’t help the situation at all. A healthy dose of respect and admiration, sure, I can agree with that. But the “Power of Pride” sounds like something that needs to be regulated to ensure it doesn’t get out of hand. Don’t you think? Or am I reading into this too much?
H. Brian is capable of making ridiculous and absurd correlations that he knows aren’t true, but sound kind of funny (in a morbid way [again with the parentheses!]).
I. Hey, hold on a second. Real SAT questions don’t have these many options to choose from.
J. All of the above.
K. None of the above.

The answer, of course, as anyone with even the most elementary education in the world would know, is K. Because you already knew A-I, so it’s not as though you really learned it from the above paragraph, now did you?

“Enough with the stalling!” “Bring on the bonus half of the post!” Okay, me, here you go: I happened to catch Saturday Night Live tonight (an event that occurs about as often as a sighting of Haley’s Comet). I would like to present my observations to you in an SNL-type sketch.

Normally Humorous And Talented Comic Who, Even As Host, Cannot Make The Awful Writing Funny (heretofore abbreviated HOST): General greetings and brief introduction so audience understands premise of the following five minutes of banter.

Somewhat Humorous Male Cast Member Who Does A Few Great Impersonations But Also Does That One Insanely Annoying Recurring Character (heretofore abbreviated DUMB GUY): Greetings to HOST. Redundant joke to emphasize the premise of sketch, this time adding a layer of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia.

(mild laughs from the audience)

Never Funny Female Cast Member (heretofore abbreviated DUMB GIRL): Greetings to HOST and DUMB GUY. Explains bizarre happenstance in which she overheard previous comment, adding her approval and unending struggle to obtain said layer of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia.

(laughs, including a few excited whoops from male members of audience)

HOST: Continues the gag by adding a new layer of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia.

(mild laughs)

DUMB GUY: Admits that said sexual innuendo involving male genitalia applies to himself on a frequent occurrence.

(huge laughs)

DUMB GIRL: Claims she would be utterly lost without any sort of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia.

(more excited whoops from male members of audience)

HOST: Conveys bafflement at any instance of DUMB GIRL’s lack of sexual innuendo involving male genitalia, what with her impressive sexual innuendo involving female genitalia.

(mild laughs; applause)

DUMB GIRL: Dismisses assertion that she has impressive sexual innuendo involving female genitalia.

DUMB GUY: Alleges his sexual innuendo involving male genitalia expands when he espies DUMB GIRL’s sexual innuendo involving female genitalia.

(fervent laughing, whooping, and applause)

HOST: Takes sexual innuendo involving male genitalia gag too far.

(scattered laughs)

DUMB GIRL: Takes sexual innuendo involving female genitalia gag too far.

DUMB GUY: Takes both gags too far.

HOST: Closing comments.

DUMB GIRL: Deems it an appropriate time for her departure. Gets in one more sexual innuendo involving male genitalia gag.

(applause as DUMB GIRL exits)

DUMB GUY: Surreptitiously makes one final gag using sexual innuendo involving male and female genitalia.

HOST: Ends sketch. Visibly seen to be relieved that sketch is over.

(courtesy applause as sketch ends and a similar one begins)

This is not a real post, just a quick update on things. First, in case I lose my piece of paper, the following four topics will be covered in the future:
-Driving
-Videogame Violence
-Religion (again!?!?)
-Talk Radio (liberal & conservative)
Unless I decide I don't really care about any of those subjects. If that happens, then I won't write about them.

Next, we're moving into a new house on Saturday, one which isn't real cheap, but has enough room for us to get a weight bench and like a pool or ping pong table. Note: if we get a ping pong table, it will be used for ping pong, and not beer pong. Second note: our garage will be used for cars and random crap, not beer pong.

Next next, I applied for a job as an editor in Loveland for some publishing company. That would be nice.

Next^3, I was going through my room throwing away things that I don't need so I don't have to move them, and I found lots of pictures and notes from Trista. I looked at them all and read them all and it was such a weird feeling. So weird. But it does really show how feelings can fade and totally change over time (on something I saw on the internet, Trista had answered a question "Who was the last person who wrote a poem for you?" and the answer was "Adam, though I'd rather remember Christian." Going from promises of love forever to a vague dislike in one short year. Amazing. Those notes and most of thiose pictures are now in the trash, not because of any negative feelings about the whole experience, but because I don't need those anymore. The memories that I need, both good and bad, are in my head. The physical artifacts are just strange reminders of a time long long ago in the year 2001.

Leslie and I, on the other hand, are doing quite well. Quite well indeed.

If there's anything else you want to know just ask. Otherwise prepare for more vaguely leftist, vaguely political ramblings in the near or not so near future.

I've planned out my next five articles here. The first one is about ribbons apparently. I don't remember why I wrote that on this gas receipt. Yes, by planned out, I mean I wrote five words on a gas receipt that was in my car.

I guess the thing about ribbons is that I don't understand where they came from. They stand for everything, from breast cancer to the environment to supporting our troops. And moreso than regular ribbons you see these giant magnetic ribbons stuck on the back of the guy's truck with the American flag plastered all over it. Well, not so much the pink ribbons or the environment ribbons. But there are a couple thousand different shades of yellow for the support the troops ribbons.

The problem I have with ribbons is that with most of them, you're taking a stand on something which doesn't need a stand taken. Breast cancer is bad. I agree. I don't know anyone who could come up to you and go "Man, why you always gotta be so down on breast cancer?" because you're wearing a pink ribbon. You're showing your support for something for which support should be assumed. People wearing ribbons to me is like some guy who every time you see him tells you some shit you were already aware of. Like he'd walk up to you and go "Hey man, you're wearing pants and a shirt, and the sun is out today and it is quite hot." And then you go "Yeah, I already knew that." And then he'd go "Birds go chirp, breast cancer is bad, the environment is good, our troops deserve support, the earth is round, water will get you wet, if you don't breathe for an extended period of time you will suffocate, the dinosaurs are extinct." And then you go "Yeah man. I already knew that."

But people just keep popping out ribbons for everything, and they try to give you one if you're in a public place. There's a table with a mountain of pink ribbons around National Breast Cancer Day or whatever, and there's these damn people walking around sticking them in your face, poking you with the needle on the back, like "Don't you support breast cancer awareness? Don't you support breast cancer awareness?" And I go "Yes." And they go "Take my ribbon, take my ribbon!" And I go "No." And then for the rest of the day I'm surrounded by all these ribbon-wearing lemmings who can only apparently be bothered to care about breast cancer one day out of the year, because they're all proud of the fact that they were able to pin a ribbon on their shirts without stabbing themselves in the heart. And all of a sudden I look like an uncaring bastard because I hate ribbons. Because I hate ribbons, I look like I hate women, I hate the environment, and I go to bed every night with a prayer that all our troops die. When really, I just don't need some superficial symbol to remind me that there are bad things in the world that need fixing.

When did this ribbon craze start? I could actually handle it when one day a year I was asked to wear a pink ribbon. But now there's ribbons of every color for every thing. I'll tell you when the ribbon craze started in my opinion. It was when Jerry, of Jerry's Ribbons and Shit, was sitting behind his big CEO desk, and one of his henchmen came in and informed him that his swimming pool was officially full of money thanks to yellow ribbon sales. He was then asked if he would like to take a swim in his pool full of money, to which Jerry stood up and removed his clothing and ran naked, jumped in the pool of money, rolled around in his own filth for a few hours, and then came out. When he came out, he said "You know what, Jeeves? I think the American people are just dumb enough to buy ribbons thinking that they're supporting something, when really what they're doing is buying ribbons to support my coke and hooker habit!" And you know what? Jerry, of Jerry's Ribbons and Shit, is right now sitting naked in his money-pool with a hooker in his lap, and a rolled up dollar bill up his nose, pressed to a mirror on said hooker's ass. Thanks for being so supportive of everything, America!

Seriously folks, I know ribbons make you feel like you're supporting something, like you're not wasting your life not caring about anything, just rotting in your 9 to 5 job wishing you'd amounted to more, but really, you're just wasting away, rotting in your self-built prison with a piece of fabric stuck to your shirt and a magnet on your car. If you really cared about something, you'd be giving your ribbon money to research a cure for breast cancer, or you'd be out chaining yourself to a tree to keep the rainforest for being cut down, or you'd be protesting outside the White House asking Bush to bring our troops home. But that requires time and effort, and really, who cares about other people enough to actually try and make a difference? Not these cocksuckers with all the ribbons, all they care about is themselves, because all these ribbons do is feed their ego, like "Look at me, you uncaring cunts! I wear ribbons for women's rights! I wear ribbons for breast cancer! I wear ribbons for the plight of the Native Americans! I wear ribbons to support our troops! I wear ribbons to save the rainforest! I care! And now I'm going to go sit on my ass and eat McDonalds, watch American Idol, vote for my favorite, and not vote for president, because the next shitty pop singer is way more important than any of the causes I pretend to care about."

Well gee folks, I said I was going to update this like a year or two ago and then I didn't, so Brian did. And so now because I'm a giant egomaniac, I'm updating it again so I can be on top. I like being on top. Yes. Yes I do. I do indeed. I really do. Yessir. Yep. Alright.

Hey guess what time it is! It must be some kind of election time because once again the topic on everyone's lips is how we don't want queers getting married. Because of some shit that no rational person could understand. I really can see both sides of most issues. The death penalty? Yeah, I'm for it, but that's because I really do like the idea of revenge. But I can easily see the argument against it. Abortion? Yeah, I'm for it, but even though I don't agree with the other side, I can at least see where they're coming from. Legal drugs? Yeah, I'm for them, all of them, but I guess I can see how people want them to be illegal. Keep the kids safe and whatnot or something. But gay marriage? Sorry, I'm not even willing to listen to you if you think it should be illegal. Not only am I not willing to listen to you on the topic of gay marriage, I'm not willing to listen to you talk about the weather. You know why? Because you are wrong. And you are stupid and intolerant and don't deserve anything good in life. That's why.

Gay marriage boils down to one of two things. One, you really get turned on by the idea of two cocks rubbing together, but it disgusts you at the same time and kind of makes you afraid, because if it's acceptable, who's to say you won't rub your cock up against some other cock? So to repress your homosexual tendencies, you stand up tall and say "No fags getting married!" And you feel super straight because you said the word "fag" or "queer" with such fucking indignation. After all, once your friends found out you were a fag, wouldn't they kind of stop hanging out with you? Or two, you're so high and mighty that you think people who are different than you are less than human. If we can all agree that marriage is a sacred institution (which I won't agree with you, but you know, for the sake of argument...), good for families and society, why exclude a certain group of people? Because you have decided that you know what God wants, and what he wants is hatred towards certain pockets of his children. He wants a world full of heterosexuals so that... we can become more overpopulated and all starve to death? Or he wants a world full of heterosexuals so we... uh... could... have a 50%+ divorce rate? And... sacred... Wait, marriage was arranged up until fairly recently in history so that families could make more profit. It was kind of like indentured servitude for women. Marriage is a piece of paper that says "Hey, we spent thousands of dollars to prove to people that we love each other for the moment! Though give us five to ten years and we'll show you just how seriously we take this commitment!" And if that's not a SACRED INSTITUTION, I don't know what is.

Another thing that makes me proud to live in America is the fact that there are people out there who think it's totally acceptable and viable to deport millions of people because they don't speak English. When really, these good ol' boys are the ones who need to be deported, if only so that they can experience another culture, possibly realize there are people out there who speak other languages and practice other beliefs and hold other things sacred and don't have confederate flags on their Hummers with horns that play Dixie, who don't murder people because they're different, who are tolerant of differences, perhaps even curious about the rest of the world. That said, I refuse to listen to anyone who tells me that soccer is not the most boring sport on the face of the planet.

As kind of a side note to the marriage thing, it might not be a great idea to let a bunch of hardcore Christian kids plan your bachelor party. Otherwise instead of a lot of booze, boobs, and bowling, you might find yourself going to Waterworld and playing videogames. Not that that's a bad day, it's just that it's kind of not a bachelor party at all. It's just some dudes hanging out.

If there's anyone out there who doesn't own a Nintendo DS, you're missing out on the best damn handheld system ever made. It plays Gameboy games, AND it plays DS games. Like Tetris, and New Super Mario Bros, and Castlevania, and it's just like owning a Super Nintendo again, and the Super Nintendo was the happiest time of my life... Yes, I measure my life in videogame systems.

Looking for music? Consider the following:
Gomez - How We Operate: Their best album. Hands down. Finally an album without a bad song in the bunch.
Margot and the Nuclear So and So's - The Dust of Retreat: Listen to the song "Quiet as a Mouse" and tell me that's not one of the best songs you've heard in a year. Then imagine a full album just as good as that song.
Drag the River - It's Crazy: It's crazy how good this is! (booooooo) But seriously, probably the best alt-country album I've ever heard.

I signed up for Blockbuster Online and it's cool. It's a way to rent really bad and embarassing movies without anyone having to know you're doing it. On that note, if anyone ever asks you to go watch The New World with them, say no, and then never talk to them again, because that movie is unwatchably bad. I watched the whole thing just to make sure. It was 10 minutes longer than the entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but it was also 5 hours longer than that movie.

There's your update. See you soon.

So the masses have been clamoring for an update. Admittedly, they want one from Adam and not me, but, as I used to say in the third grade, tough toenails. That’s really a gross saying and I’m glad that, with age, I’ve outgrown it. Although, I just used it. Let’s move on.

How’s it going, everyone? It’s been about a year since I posted nothing worth noting. I hope everyone had a good year. Mine was pretty good.

14 Things I’m Not Entirely Sure Are to Blame for the Dumbing Down of Americans, But I Have a Hunch Probably Are:

1. American Idol
2. The T.G.I. Friday’s commercial (I think), where four guys are sitting around a table. To prove that they are manly men, the first three say, in excessively deep manly men voices, “Beef!”, “Chicken!”, and “Pork!” The fourth: “Vegetable medley!” To which he receives strange looks and must add some sort of meat element to prove his masculinity. This commercial makes me want to throw bricks at any T.G.I. Fridays I drive by.
3. George W. Bush
4. Sudoku puzzles. When did these get all popular? How’d that happen? One day I wake up and all of a sudden everyone’s obsessed over these things. And sure, they can be challenging, but the payoff of finishing a sudoku is nowhere near as great as that of finishing a crossword puzzle.
5. Donald Rumsfeld.
6. The Evolution/Intelligent Design debate. You can be religious, fine. You can be Christian, okay. But if you really think evolution doesn’t exist, I want to see you reproduce asexually. And then explain how it is we share so many chromosomes with the chimpanzees.
7. Wal-Mart
8. Bill Frist
9. Hummers. Of any variety.
10. Fox “News”
11. Dick Cheney
12. Rick Santorum
13. John Gibson
14. Ann Coulter

Interesting. Look how political that list got. And the majority of those aren’t hunches, they’re fact. But I got lazy halfway through the list and didn’t want to change the ever-so-witty title I came up with. “Look who’s the dumb American now,” you might say if you were mean and wanted to refute me. To which I would say, “Good observation! I secede my point and am now an ultra-right-wing conservative! Thanks!”

Speaking of the political, we had a few good political songs throughout the year. The Fitness Celebrity John Basedow Celebrity Interview of the Week segments pretty much stopped being about celebrities and focused on politics. Although it’s not the same without me flubbing simple chords and not being able to find the right key (and Yannos dealing with too many syllables per line), I’m gonna share a few of these, anyway.

So this first one, it was inspired by some real mature discourse from the College Republicans. They held an Animal Rights Barbeque. With plenty of meat. Tactful. In response, we had Fitness Celebrity John Basedow interview the band that we imagined would have played such an event. I forgot what we named them, but it was something dumb like Chris and the Conservatives. And the song they played for us was this (on par with the same level of discussion you’d expect from College Republicans, of course):

Global warming is a myth and I know that makes you miffed.
But too bad. Too bad.
Cause I gotta have my Hummer (all those other cars are dumber).
So too bad. Too bad.

So next time, don't tell me to get out of the shower,
even if I've been in there for well over four hours.
Cause nothing I do can harm the environment.
Your whining is just energy that's poorly spent.

Gasoline is up thirty cents. If you complain, you must be dense.
So shut up. Shut up.
That kind of attitude's not helpful, it's just bull.
So shut up. Shut up.

So next time, don't tell me to turn off all my lights,
even if they've been on consecutively for sixty nights.
Cause nothing I do can harm the environment.
Your whining is just energy that's poorly spent.

Global warming causes hurricanes? Man, you're such a pain.
The ozone isn't full of holes. It's not your brain or your soul.
To criticize Bush is unpatriotic, it's idiotic.
You must be dumb, cause you're dumb, cause you're dumb, you're so dumb.

See? It’s almost like a real Republican wrote those lyrics! Here’s one that I wrote around the time when Donald Rumsfeld was in hot water over the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners. But that quickly passed without any sort of punishment for him. Thank goodness!

Things aren't going well for our pal, Donald Rummy.
If you see him scowling, it's probably cause he's got an upset tummy.
You'd have one, too, if you had six ex-generals criticizing your job.
Especially when a couple are so young, just back from Iraq. Real heart-throbs.
So let's give him a hand, just like Bush would demand.

He's doing a fine job, we support him.
Even in this moment, when things seem grim.
Rumsfeld's doing the best that he can do,
given his limited IQ.

His foes ruthlessly claim that he ignored the Pentagon,
that he allowed torture and other such shenanigans to go on.
They're asking him to resign, to pack his bags and go.
But, for a man who anticipated insurgencies and went on anyway, that's not apropos.
He deserves an award ceremony. Just don't look and you'd see

he's doing a fine job, we support him.
Even in this moment, when things seem grim.
Rumsfeld's doing the best that he can do,
given his limited IQ.

Now, don't get us wrong, we don't hate our troops.
We just hate the people running this war, they're a bunch of nincompoops.
Bush said he's the decider. Well, he needs to go figure
a sensible way out, a clever plan (one like Tigger would),
a way to get us out of this mess.
I have a feeling it'll be addressed
in the form of Iraq,
minus the Q, plus an N.

It’s all fun and games until the end. Then it makes you think. Deep, huh? Okay, so this last one is my favorite song we did all year. It came out in response to Bush’s approval ratings, back when they hovered in the 33% range (or, as he would call them, “the good ‘ol days.”)

One more time we've been duped,
pushed out of the loop,
only getting the scoop that's false
from the media (that useless group).

I don't know why Bush's ratings are so low.
Cause we all know that he is good to go.

Just look at - well, no.
Just look at – nevermind.
There's gotta be something he's done right.

One more time we've been had.
Pessimistic reviews of our lad.
But things aren't really as bad as they say.
Just ask - well, no, don't ask his dad.

Oh gosh, could they be right about this insight?
If they are, that just might give me quite a fright.

Come on, man, help me out.
Give me a reason to believe
that Bush is on the ball,
that he's well-suited for the presidency.
Cause I just don't see it.
Not after all the horrible stuff
that we've been handed by our friends
the media (who haven’t done enough
to show us the truth.
Imagine what would happen if they
showed us the truth).

Yay. What fun. But it’s my bedtime now. We’ll have more fun later. Maybe even in less than a year.

Every day recently I think I have something to say but then I forget. Immigration. Religion. Videogames. Music. I want to make a list of all my CDs and figure out which are the most essential. I want to tell you how emotionally powerful Saves the Day's new album is. I want everyone to get along and be happy, myself included. But there's not enough time in the day to solve problems, just enough to recognize them, get frustrated, and go to bed. Something is always missing. I will update this with a real post soon, if anyone still reads this. Well, even if not. Prepare yo'self.

My Nintendo DS makes me long for the days of the Super Nintendo. It's good to know that I now have a place to relive the glory days. I've been playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, which makes me wish companies hadn't abandoned the turn based stategy games. I've also been playing Castevania: Dawn of Sorrow, which reminds me of just how amazingly great the last Playstation Castlevania was. And then there's Metroid Fusion, which makes me yearn for the days of Super Metroid, another of the best videogames ever made. Not to say that 3-d games aren't great. Sure they are. But I would kill to see a new, beautifully rendered 2-d Castlevania game on a next generation system.

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently. I haven't been able to put these thoughts to words. I haven't updated this in a long time because of this. Well, that and the fact that I'm never home. I think that depending on what happens when the lease is up here, I might move somewhere else. The leading candidates for change are the Pacific Northwest (Seattle), or back on the east coast (North Carolina or thereabouts). I just don't think my future is here in Colorado. It's funny because a couple months ago I wanted to live in Fort Collins for a long time. I love it here. But my skin is going to walk out on me if I don't move somewhere with humidity.

This entails making new friends, finding new roommates and a new job. I'm not sure how I feel about being completely alone. It could be terrifying and it could be completely refreshing, starting over. I just feel dead ended right now. I know I don't want to be in sales, and this Hertz job is a sales job. I feel dirty when I'm mentioned in conjunction with sales. But I looked at jobs online and I find nothing that interests me. Everyone I know seems to have some kind of direction in life. I have nothing. This is very depressing sometimes.

Is leaving everything behind and starting over the solution to this rutted feeling? Hell if I know. But at least it's something different. I've finished school. I've done everything I've had to do up to this point very well. This is the real world now... I'm not impressed.

Sorry, maybe I'll have something entertaining to say next time.

Well, this is the annual top 10 albums of the year list. 2005 was in some ways good and some ways bad for music. The quality of the good albums was excellent. The amount of good albums was not. I am having trouble coming up with 10 albums to put on the list, but the ones I have for sure are solid. So anyway, these are the albums that I found myself listening to a ton all year, and if they sound good to you, I wholeheartedly recommend checking them out. Search them out in record stores or order them online, because most likely Best Buy's not going to have them all.

10. Alkaline Trio - Crimson: It's an evolution of the sound they put out on their last album, and therefore it's not the return to form that a lot of people are wishing for. That said, this is the Trio's most mature album musically, and finds them experimenting with piano and electronic noises in some songs. It's catchy as hell, and even though I find the whole dark image of the band these days stupid, this album's choruses were stuck in my head for a good month during my landscaping days earlier this year.

9. Atmosphere - You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having: This is an interesting beast. The first half of the album is worse than Seven's Travels, but the second half of the album is probably the best rap album I've ever heard. The title of the album is very appropriate, as it really sounds like Slug is having fun rapping. It's not as socially or politically conscious as other Atmosphere albums, but it's a lot more fun. The B-side of this album gets it onto the list.

8. The Glow - The Ghosts are Out: Half raucous rock and roll, half slower bluesy stuff, this organ driven rock band is one to watch for. While it's impossible to understand what the hell the singer is saying for the most part, this is good old rock music. It sounds like oldies punked up for the new generation, and it's one of the best surprises of the year for me.

7. Colonel Rhodes - This is Public: This is a five song alt-country EP. The band put this out and broke up, and it's the only thing they ever released. That said, it's fantastic. Every song is great, with the excellent classically trained female vocals pairing nicely with the solid male vocals (though really, they could lose the guy and put the girl up front and probably come out for the better). If you're at all interested to see what southern rock is sounding like these days, this is one of the best examples I've heard.

6. Lucero - Nobody's Darlings: Lucero's latest really got treated poorly by reviewers. It's a southern rock album through and through. The country is more or less missing, and that slight change in sound put a lot of people off. It's not Lucero's best album, that crown still goes to Tennessee, but this does have its fair share of wonderful songs. The War is a great song that's an absolute pleasure to see performed live. If you like rock and roll music and you haven't listened to Lucero, you're missing out on one of the best bands of our time.

5. Lagwagon - Resolve: This whole album was written about and dedicated to their good friend and former drummer Derrick Plourde, who killed himself earlier this year. The album was written and produced quickly, but only serves as a testament to the songwriting power of Joey Cape. It's Lagwagon's most powerful album emotionally, and reading the lyrics really caused me to get a little teary eyed. Some songs are better than others (one of those songs is Resolve, a beautiful punk song, probably one of the best songs Lagwagon has ever written), and it's not Lagwagon's best album (that title will forever belong to Let's Talk About Feelings), but it's right up there, and it's lightyears better than the slightly disappointing Blaze. This is the band that got me into punk rock, and all these years later, it's great to see them put out such an amazing, truly powerful album, even though the circumstances surrounding the album are so tragic.

4. Propagandhi - Potemkin City Limits: Holy crap, this album blew me away. I've been a Propagandhi fan for a while now, and I was expecting pretty big things out of this album, but I wasn't expecting this rock monster. They've slowed down the thrash and turned up the melody, and it worked brilliantly. Politics aside, this is an extremely well constructed album through and through, with no throwaway songs. Their last album had some excellent stuff and some filler, most notably from the gravelly voiced singer. His songs on this album are right up there. Melodic, hard punk rock, this is not one for everyone, but for anyone looking for a smart, politically conscious album that's easy to listen to, this is it. Fantastic album.


3. The Mountain Goats - The Sunshine Tree: Absolutely astounding, beautiful, touching, personal. Great. John Darnielle turned his camera inwards and wrote an album about his childhood growing up with an abusive stepfather, and it's far and away the Mountain Goats' best album. After experimenting with the sound of multiple instruments on We Shall All Be Healed, he finally wrote songs that really incorporated various sounds. He doesn't ask for pity, there's no "why me" songs. It's an optimistic album, showing that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Acoustically driven but incorporating piano, cello, and other instruments, this was for most of the year my choice for number one on this list. Still, months after it came out, I'm in awe of just how wonderful this album is. Get it.

2. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois: This album took me a few listens to get into. From the one song I'd heard off it, I wasn't expecting the lush banjo folk that I got, but once I understood what I was listening to, it became apparent that I was listening to one of the best albums I'd ever heard. The compositions here are so incredibly dense and complicated, I can't even understand how one man could write them. Some of the songs are just strange, but some of the songs (Casimir Pulaski Day, Chicago, John Wayne Gacy Jr., Decatur) are simply jaw droppingly beautiful. Sufjan himself plays dozens of instruments on this album, and he's backed by a full choir, a full orchestra, and an arsenal of over 20 instruments. I've honestly never heard anything quite like this before. At 22 tracks and 74ish minutes, this should be overwhelming, but the album flies by. "Sufjan Stevens invites you to Come on feel the Illinoise," as it says on the cover, and you'd be an absolute fool to turn him down. This shit is genius.

1. Against Me! - Searching for a Former Clarity: Putting aside my mixed feelings about the band's growing popularity, I can honestly say that this is, for me, the best album I've heard all year. This is a complete album, less rocking than previous entries, but more fully realized. While I wouldn't mind seeing How Low left off and replaced by one of the other demo songs that were leaked, this album totally does it for me. I'm biased, yes, because of how much I love everything these guys do, but I really think this album transcends genres, and anyone willing to give it a chance should find something to like. It's diverse, it's long, and it's just amazing. Not only number one on this list for the year, but it also fully deserves a place on my top 10 albums of all time list. This is the best album yet from the most important current band in punk rock. They've got a shot at the big time now, having recently signed to a major label, and while I'm wary of what their next album could be, I still place all my faith in Tom Gabel and the boys to continue blowing me away with their perfect blend of folk, rock, country, and punk for years to come. Absolutely an essential album.

That all said, I'd like to give two other awards. Though I couldn't justify placing it on the top 10 list because it's mostly recycled material, The Lawrence Arms' "Cocktails and Dreams" this year was one that I listened to way more than I should have, considering I'd heard 90% of it a hundred times before. The new song and the reworked version of Turnstiles is worth the price of admission.

And finally, once again, my disappointment of the year goes to Weezer and their album Make Believe. While it showed glimpses of the band of yesteryear, who put out two of the best albums of all time (Blue and Pinkerton), I listened to it maybe five times because it's just such mediocre garbage for the most part. We are all on Drugs and Beverly Hills are so bad it's almost painful to listen to, especially considering the high hopes I still have for these guys. But songs like Perfect Situation make me want to believe that they still have another great album left in them somewhere. They just aren't doing it. The worst album yet from Weezer.

Okay, and a couple more things. American Idiot by Green Day was solid, but Jesus Christ people, it wasn't that good. All because it was so much better than that rancid festering turd Warning doesn't mean it's the savior of rock music. Dookie and Insomniac were way better. And Dave Grohl, quit acting like all because you put out a double album it's all good. It was a solid effort, but saying that this is the Foo Fighters album you want people to remember is just silly. We all know that The Colour and the Shape is the best album you'll ever make. Also, I'm really sick of all this dance rock music that's being made. That's it for the musical year of 2005. Happy New Year, everyone. Let's make it a good one.

I'm a college graduate now. I work full time. I have 2-3 hours of free time per day. It's weird. I wake up, I go to work, and I come home and go to sleep. Luckily, I like the women I work with, Tiffany and Thea, and I like driving cars around all day. I've been playing with Sirius satellite radio, which is neat but doesn't have a punk channel, so I could care less about owning it. Also, I've been playing with this hybrid-manual-auto thing that newer cars have where it's an automatic, but there's a place where you can stick the shifter to play like it's a manual, where you just click up or down to change gears, no clutch included. It's kind of lame but it reminds me of old arcade racing games when you played on manual if you were a loser who played manual. Anyway, new cars do lots of cool things that my car doesn't do. Like on the regular radio, it'll tell you what station you're listening to, what song and all that, right on the dash there. Magic, I tell you. I don't know how it knows that shit.

Anyway, today's my birthday, I'm 22. The girls at work bought me pizza. I've gotten calls from everyone now I think. So overall, it's an OK birthday. I'm going to go play XBOX360 at John's after this (I will have one of those when they become available again, but I don't even have time to play videogames right now really so it's not my top priority ahora.

In the biggest news of my life recently, Against Me! signed to a major record label, Epic Records. I have a couple things to say about this. One, Tom Gabel built this band from scratch, recording solo tapes at home and self-releasing them, and now they're the hottest band in the punk world, and it's genuinely because they write great music. On that count, they deserve a record deal that will give them a chance to be recognized as one of the best and most important bands of our time (yeah, I said it. I'll say this too, U2 is a completely overrated, mediocre band). On the other hand, let's look at the list of bands who've gone to major labels and have made mediocre to bad records: Thrice, Rise Against, AFI, Ataris, Yellowcard, and many more. Let's look at the list of bands who went to majors and made decent, but not quite as good as before, music: Thursday. And let's look at the list of bands who went to a major and made better music than before: Less Than Jake. So... The cards are stacked against Against Me! And then there's the fact that they put out a DVD last year that documented them being chased by majors and turning them all down. And then there's the fact that Album of the Year "Searching for a Former Clarity" is half talking shit about bands on majors. So... stunning news in the world of Adam. I honestly couldn't sleep last night for a while because of this.

Finally, Thea listens to country music, and there have been two songs that have really cemented why country music is what's wrong with America. These two songs are as follows.

Have You Forgotten? by Darryl Worley

I hear people saying we don't need this war
I say there's some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground?
We didn't get to keep 'em by backing down
They say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start preaching
Let me ask you this my friend

Have you forgotten how it felt that day
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away?
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside
Going through a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

They took all the footage off my T.V.
Said it's too disturbing for you and me
It'll just breed anger that's what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it every day
Some say this country's just out looking for a fight
After 9/11 man I'd have to say that's right

I've been there with the soldiers
Who've gone away to war
And you can bet they remember
Just what they're fighting for

Have you forgotten all the people killed?
Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field
Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?
All the loved ones that we lost
And those left to carry on
Don't you tell me not to worry about Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?

Thanks, Darryl Worley, for reminding me why I hate Americans in the red states. Yeah, I think we should totally go to war with people unconnected to 9/11 for no reason. After all, they're not white! Go republicans, and go country!

And finally, I present Carrie Underwoods "Jesus Take the Wheel"
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

I've rewritten this song a little to be more true to life, and it goes like this:
She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

She flew off the road because she took her hands off the wheel and she died, the end.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Feliz Navidad

Soonish(ish) is a word that means "maybe soon, maybe not so soon." So therefore, it was an accurate word to describe when this post would come.

I have playing right now a man named Sufjan Stevens, whose album "Illinois" is one of the best things to come out this year. He was brought to my attention by Noranna, in Australia. So thanks! I ordered it in the mail with stuff from The Weight, Rocky Votolato, Antony and the Johnsons, and more. I decided it was time for me to invest in some more folky, acoustic type stuff, as well as some more alt-country. Yay for expanding musical horizons.

Cam and Charlie and I were out at Lucky Joe's, our favorite sit and talk bar, and Cam and I got to talking about videogames. The Xbox 360 is out, and really, from the first batch of games, I'm not impressed. The graphical quality is not really that much advanced from this generation's games, and the games themselves really do nothing new at all. It's like they just rereleased the Xbox at twice the price with a cool new design and a power source that's bigger than some people's houses. I'm sure this is just a problem with the first batch of games, because they had to rush to get them to market quick, and really, while it doesn't sound like the 360 will change the face of videogames, it does sound like it will feature huge advances in in-game physics and storytelling, thanks to its three terribly powerful independent processors. But what's really interesting to me is the way the Nintendo Revolution's controller has changed in my viewpoint. For those of you who don't know, the Revolution, coming out mid-late next year, will have a controller that looks like a TV remote. It has one big button, a couple others, and a D-pad. No analog stick. The analog stick, along with other add-ons, will be able to stick out of the bottom of the controller via a port. But the way you play games with this thing is you wave it around, and it detects the motion of the controller. While it sounded pretty stupid at first, I got to thinking, and imagine playing a tennis game and actually swinging the racket, or actually aiming the gun in a first person shooter. Playing racing games you could actually turn the steering wheel, playing football you could juke by jerking the controller to one side. Playing Zelda, you could swing your sword. This, I feel, if it's done right, could really change the way games work, and it's one reason why the Xbox 360 isn't as exciting as it should be. No matter what advances it makes, it will be the same games repackaged that we've been playing forever. Not that I don't want one. I do. I'm a videogame nerd and I want it. But I'm not willing to pay 900 bucks for one on Ebay.

On the same token, Cam and I are going to try to write a top 10 videogames of all time list. And I need to get my top 10 CDs of 2005 out here too, since there's really nothing else coming out worth looking at for the rest of the year.

Cam has this little thing called 20 Questions, and what it does is you think of something and it asks you 20 questions, and then it guesses, and it's almost always right. It knew we were thinking of Playstation, a lego block, an emu, and even a sponge, though we didn't know anything about sponges to answer its questions correctly. Danny put it right when he said "This is like the coolest thing I've ever seen!" You all should go to Toys R Us or something like that and buy one, and watch as it BLOWS YOUR MIND!

I start my new job in two weeks from today, and I still don't know where I'll actually be working. I've been trying to get a hold of these people for a week now, and I can't get them. I can't quit my job at Officemax until I find this out, because if they want me to work in Springs or like Limon or some crap, I'm just not going to take the job. Limon, by the way, sucks. You can see it on highway signs hundreds of miles away from the place, making you think it'll be this big metropolis hidden away in eastern Colorado. But no, it's just some little shit town with an outhouse, a mule, and maybe a truck stop, and like three toothless hilbillies playing the banjo and spitting in a pot. The highway signs for I-70 east should just say "Jack Shit: next 500 miles," because that's the kind of honesty I want from my street signs.

Speaking of street signs, there needs to be some kind of system for placement on these things. Ever try to find someone's house in the dark? You have to sit at each intersection for 10 minutes trying to figure out which corner the tiny, unlit street sign is on, and then you have to get out of your car and cut down the tree that's grown in front of it so you can see it. I hate street signs.

I wrote my last paper ever for school today. It's a sad little five page affair involving no research and really very little academic merit. Tomorrow I give my last presentation ever for school. With and to a bunch of honors kids who probably care about this thing. Me, on the other hand, I don't. Even though technically it's my final. Don't care. Couldn't be bothered to give a shit. I'm out of shit to give. I'm keeping my shit from now on. It feels good. I feel like I should celebrate this feeling, but I dont' know when I'll have time or friends to celebrate with. Everyone will be busy with finals, and then I start working full time. But it seems like graduation and a birthday should be too good of a good excuse to get people to buy me some drinks to miss. I don't know if that sentence made sense.

How about that Colbert Report? That is some funny shit. I know because my DVR records every single instance of the show because it's too stupid to figure out which ones are reruns. So I have to go through and delete like 10 episodes of that and the Daily Show every day, since Comedy Central plays it at 12am, 2am, 9am, 11am, 7pm, and 9pm every day. Does it seem like maybe they need a new show to take up some of that time?

Lost is on break until January 11th, apparently. This gives me time to watch the second season of Deadwood. Cam and I also tried to come up with a top 10 list of TV shows in the past 10 years, but we only came up with like 3, which really says more about the state of TV than our memories. What it says about TV is, it's a huge giant waste of time.

I now have a friend in China. My cult is slowly spreading across the world. Watch out, Lichtenstein, your time is coming! I'd give her more of a shoutout, but China's government blocks this site because it knows these words I write would incite a full scale revolution. Like this: Hey China, suck less! Good thing they can't read that. Or else they'd be like "Oh wow, this is amazing, I never thought about sucking less. Maybe I should!" and then they'd tear down their repressive government, form a religion around me, and shower me with gold and women. Yeah, good thing China blocks websites like this one. Dangerous stuff.

I guess that's all.