I was laying in bed last night and got a phone call about 1 in the morning. I wasn't going to answer it but I figured only Leslie would be crazy enough to call at that time. Or something big was going down. So I answered it and Leslie was like "Since we don't work until tomorrow afternoon we should hang out." I was a little out of it so I was like "You want to hang out? When?" She said "Tonight." So of course I said yes, put some clothes on, and went downstairs to read until she got here. Eric came down to get some water and was like "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Reading, what are you doing?" and he said "Getting some water." I apologized for the phone calls, since she's my friend, and Eric said "Girls make you do weird shit." Truer words have never been spoken. Amen, brother. Another night of little sleep that was well worth it.

Well, this is my last night here in Fort Collins for a while. It's kind of depressing. I do want to get out of here for a while, but now that this Leslie thing is going on pretty heavy I don't want to leave her for three months. Awww. So here, this is from my first entry in here:

"Here's the deal. The only people who are going to read this are me, so I really don't feel like discussing my problems in life, or my views on anything at this point. Say someday something really big happens in my life, maybe then I'll get all mushy, but until then, I'm going to use this to get exercise with my fingers by pushing buttons."

Something big happened in my life, so like I said, I can now get all mushy. If you don't mind, and even if you do, this entry will be somewhat meditative and "deep" (as in shallow).

It's funny (not ha ha) how things and people change. Thinking back to who I was a few years ago, last year, or even a couple months ago, I don't think I can relate to that person. I read old things I wrote and I'm like "wow... that's not how I feel." I guess it's just a natural part of life that as we go on we change. It's partly external, wanting to fit in with friends or just being influenced by them, and it's party internal, wanting to change because you're sick of yourself. I know for Brian and me the internal part comes into play often. The thing is, Leslie's caused me to think back and look at the past. She didn't do anything directly to do that, just by being there it happened. For a long time after Trista broke up with me I felt like there was no reason to keep trying. It's like, if I give that much of my life to someone and they throw me away, what value can I possibly have? It should have helped that I was going to college in a new place surrounded by new people, but it didn't. I tried the dating thing my freshman year up here and didn't get anything out of it. No one was interested in me. There was this girl Sarah who I thought was cool and funny but she turned out to be one of those girls that always give bad excuses on the phone. There was Jennifer who I thought showed interest in me, but turns out I'm just really bad at reading people. My piss poor self esteem from the breakup probably played a part in this. Feeling worthless as a human being, unlovable, without any redeeming qualities, is not a turn on apparently.
So I gave up. I watched Charlie and Cam get shot down time after time and decided that, you know what, fuck it, I don't need this shit. All the trouble us guys go to to even get a girl to be in the same room alone with us isn't worth the feeling of defeat when they bust out the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" line. We have to work up the courage to go up to this person who may or may not have any idea who we are and try to win them over. And 99% of them probably think we're just trying to get in their pants. And I'll admit, there are a lot of guys (known in my mind as jackasses) who do only want to get in a girl's pants. But I know me, and I know Cam, and I know Charlie, and I'm fairly sure that we're not just after meaningless sex. I can say that for sure about myself anyway, never having indulged. So watching this trifle known as attempting to date I decided that I didn't need the rejection. My self esteem was low enough already.
Now I've done a lot of thinking and I did a lot of stupid shit in my relationship with Trista. I also think she did some unreasonable things. But for a long time after that ended I still felt like I had feelings for her. That's natural, I guess. Whatever feelings I had faded in time and now I feel absolutely nothing toward her. Is that natural or am I a cold hearted, soulless prick? Probably both. But I finally decided that I caused that to end as much as she did as much as the circumstances of the time did.
Enter this stupid website OKCupid.com. I took a personality test because I do that in my spare time and afterwards I could type in boxes about myself, so I did. Didn't get many responses from interested parties, only like 4 or 5, since I'm not good looking (Leslie, if you're reading this, you may think I am, but society says no. But I appreciate it). One of those was from this Addictedt2Bass girl. She just wrote a couple sentences like "Hey, you seem cool and not full of yourself." So I responded with some crap and told her to IM me. A few days passed and I didn't hear from her so I didn't think anything about it. Then while I was playing Morrowind she IMed me. We talked until 3 in the morning that night. We haven't done that since (well, recently we've been up until 3 in the morning, but whatever), but we did get to know each other and be friends. So since she lives not far away we decided to meet, and blah blah blah she's been up to the house three times in the past week and slept here two nights in a row. So here's the thing. Now that I've got a girl interested in me again I realize how dead the relationship with Trista was for a long time, and I realize how much I've changed. There's actually passion here, whereas I thought there was with Trista, but now I realize there wasn't. I feel wanted and liked, and I can't remember a time with Trista when I felt like this. In 18 months I never slept in the same bed as Trista. In two months, and really only a few weeks, I've slept in the same bed with Leslie twice. She kisses me, it's not always me kissing her. It's just nice to have someone who appreciates you, that's all. I don't feel worthless anymore. Not for now, anyway. I've got good friends, a loving family, a roof over my head, food to eat, I'm getting a (worthless) education, a car that works sometimes, and now I've got a girl who likes me. For always being such a cynical pessimist, I really do have it alright. It'd be nice if things were easier, such as this summer situation. But there's always something that could be better. Don't expect to ever hear me this optimistic again, but right now, though I'm sad about leaving, I feel genuinely good. So thanks everyone who's reading this, because more likely than not you mean something to me, I appreciate everything you guys and gals do for me (keeping me sane, going to concerts with me, etc). I'm sure I'll keep updating this over the summer. Maybe less frequently because things probably won't happen as often, but whatever. Expect me to be back to my mean, grumpy, cynical self next time. Oatmeal Creme Pies are good.