Apparently Barack Obama reads my blog, because last night he did exactly what I asked him to do. I'm now planning on taking a tour around the country wearing a giant Obama head and preaching the gospel of the Great Obama. Damn, did you see that speech? I was cheering! I was moved to tears! I had to pee in the middle of it, but I left the door open so I could still hear! Best State of the Union address I've heard all year, and that's a fact.

Let me ask you a question: What's the deal with hipsters smoking cigarettes? All of them do it. They all stand around taking about pretentious nonsense in their tight pants with their stupid hair and smoking cigarettes. Nobody smokes cigarettes anymore. Lung cancer has lost its appeal over the years. But these hipsters, man. I guess the better question is, what's the deal with hipsters? Do they know how much they suck at everything in life?

I was going through my old files and found a couple stories I wrote that I totally forgot about and are pretty good. I'm working on figuring out a way to get those up here so that they don't take up a whole ton of space. If I can do that, I'll let you have them. I'm such a generous person, I give my hard work away for free. Please donate. Anyway, while I was rummaging, I found the following saved in a file called "Two Minute Bit." To explain, kind of, at one point I wanted to write a two minute stand up comedy routine. These are the ideas I apparently had:

Two minute bit

Danny not flushing the poops
Contacts story
Racist doorbell


Now, the first two I know. The contacts story is the funniest thing I've ever said in my life, according to Kate. She makes me tell it every time I see her. Danny not flushing the poops is pretty self explanatory. But can anyone tell me, what the hell is "Racist doorbell?" I apparently had this idea at some point in my life, but for the life of me I cannot figure out what I was going to say about "Racist doorbell." I'd really like to know, because it sounds extremely funny.

Anyway, I have two ideas for posts in my Word file here, so this thing should be around for a little while longer, anyway. I expect when Brian returns from his journey to the Mecca of beads, he'll have lots of awesome things to tell us ("I saw boobs!") So thanks for checking this thing out, and I'll talk to you later.

Racist doorbell... what the fuck.