I was waiting for Brian to get finished with his 25 Things that make me a Pretentious Bastard list (ha ha, buddy, just kidding) before I posted this. Just a little background on this bad boy: Brian and I used to have a website where we would do pretty much what we're doing here, except in website form and not blog form. We then decided it was too much work doing HTML so we started this blog, where we can do the same thing we used to do but not have to worry about how it looks. Anyway, on that old website, which is still around at bkservo.tripod.com for some reason, we used to do these things called Twisted Surveys, in which we would take those insipid "getting to know you" surveys that used to be so popular and make them funny. So I saw one of those floating around on Facebook and decided to give it the ol' post-college try. What you are about to see are the results:

1. Last beverage→ I don’t care how old beavers are. Wait…
2. Last phone call→ I hope the last phone call I ever make is to Jesus, but we’ll see.
3. Last text message→ I hope the last text I ever send is to Santa, but we’ll see.
4. Last song you listened to→ All the single ladies! All the single ladies. All the single ladies! All the single ladies. I mean, metal. Something metal.
5. Last time you cried→ While listening to that All the single ladies! song. It just touches me in such profound ways.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice → I’ve been on two dates with lots of people, yes. I’m offended that you thought I hadn’t.
7. Been cheated on? Fucking computer has been cheating me ever since I started playing videogames, and that was like 21 years ago.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? For a guy like me, kisses come so few and far between that I can’t possibly regret any of them (awww).
9. Lost someone special?→ Yeah, that was the worst hiking trip ever. I looked for her for a couple hours, but then the sun started going down and I got hungry. You know how it is. I hope she found her way back eventually though. I’d feel real bad otherwise.
10. Been depressed?→ I’ve been every kind of pressed there is. DEpressed, IMpressed, SUPpressed, EXpressed, PERMANENT pressed, OPpressed. Pressed for time. Pressed for information.
11. Been drunk? Nah, I don’t mess with alcohol. It’s all blow and crank for this guy.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Clothing – Low cut, short, see through
13. Cars – Bright Yellow, Puke Green, and able to transform into giant robots
14. Appliances – You know, I hadn’t really thought about what colors I would like all of my appliances. So instead of answering this, I will list three things: pizza, baseball, Ipod.

THIS YEAR (last 12 mo) HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends → Yes, two sock puppets. One is named Sifl, the other is named Olly. And since I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who remembers that show, I’ll just take credit for the idea right now.
16. Fallen out of love → Is it possible to fall out of love? Or do you just have to push it to the back of your mind and try not to think about it anymore? And then something, some sound or image, comes along and reminds you of the love you’ve repressed and brings it back to the forefront of your mind and your knees buckle and you feel weak, leaning on a post, fatigued from all the memories you’d forgotten and the time you’d spent with this other person weighing on your soul. In a flash, you’re right back there with that person, weighing questions: “What happened?,” “What did I do wrong?” A noise shakes you out of your trance, and you have to go on with your day, feeling a little sadder, a little more defeated, but knowing that in a day or so you’ll be able to shove her back into the dark recesses of your mind and move forward, pretending that you’re okay until the next time you hear that song or eat at that restaurant, and it all comes flooding back again.
17. Laughed until you cried → No, but I have cried until I laughed, and that was pretty weird.
18. Met someone who changed you→ I’d just like to thank Dr. Best. Growing up, my breasts never were big enough for me. Now, thanks to him, I have the confidence I know I deserve.
19. Found out who your true friends were→ As opposed to the people who are pretending to be my friends for personal gain? I’m sorry folks, but my life isn’t interesting enough, nor am I worth enough money, to have people pretending to be my friends.
20. Found out someone was talking about you→ If you’ve gone a year and no one ever talked about you, I’m sorry. Consider getting out more.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend list→ I’ve kissed about 75% of the people on my friend list. On the mouth. With tongue. If you’re in the 25% I didn’t kiss, then, well, it’s probably high time you ask yourself why.
22. How many people on your friend list do you know in real life → None. I didn’t even know they were real people until right now.
23. How many kids do you want to have→ None… THAT I KNOW OF! Wait…
24. Do you have any pets → None… THAT I KNOW OF! Wait again…
25. Do you want to change your name→ Yeah, to Hoofdink Purpleberry.
26. What did you do for your last birthday→ Viewed a slideshow of me emerging from my mother’s womb with friends. It’s a Jones family tradition that I try to involve as many people in as possible.
27. What time did you wake up today → I haven’t woken up yet. I’m sleep typing.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night→ Fighting a dragon in New York while being chased by crazed Jiffy Lube employees and making out with Jessica Biel.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for → I can’t wait for SOMEONE to come play in Colorado. Anyone. All the bands I like have forgotten that there is a middle of the country. I’d like to see Against Me! with Lagwagon, the Weakerthans, and the Gaslight Anthem. And I’d like each of them to play a full two-hour set.
30. Last time you saw your father→ You shouldn’t assume everyone has a father. What if someone didn’t have a father and they got to this question, and then they got sad. Would you be able to live with that on your conscience? Would you? You soulless bastard.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → I would replace it with one that is more exciting, in which I have way more sex, am a foot taller and much better looking, and am rich.
32. What are you listening to right now → The mournful wails of the prisoners in my basement.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → This is one of the best questions I have ever read in one of these things. Very random. So in the spirit of randomness, I will answer this way: Peanuts.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? -> The fact that I’ve been doing this thing for 45 minutes and I’m not even close to half way finished.
36. Whats your real name → Jinglehump Wigglebottom Flobbledobble, III
37. Relationship Status → Code orange
38. Zodiac sign: Tauracapriquarius
39. Male or female→ What about our transgender friend, Pat Sam Smith?
40. Elementary→ My dear Watson
41. Middle School → DeGrassi
42. High school → Musical
43. Hair color → It was brown originally, but then I dyed it the exact same color brown, so now it’s brown.
44. Long or short → Schlong
45. Height → Asking about someone’s height is like asking a fat person how fat they are.
46. Do you have a crush on someone? Everyone.
47. What do you like about yourself? I look absolutely fantastic in a nice dress.
48. Piercings → One through each hand and foot, and several around my scalp.
49. Tattoos → I have a butterfly above my ass and the words LOVE MOM written in giant flaming letters on my nuts. I mean chest. I mean I don’t have tattoos.
50. Righty or lefty → I can only write if I use both hands at the same time and strangle the pencil.
51. First surgery → C-Section
52. First piercing → Prince Albert (look it up if you need to, but don’t say I didn’t warn you)
53. First tattoo—Black eye after telling my first girlfriend she was a bitch.
54. First best friend → My right hand .. …. …. …. … man, Brian.
55. First sport- Competitive ice dancing
57. First vacation→ Crawford, TX, clearing brush with ol’ Bushy. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t taken that opportunity to talk him into going to war with Iraq. My bad.
59. First crush→ Orange
60. First alcohol -- Rubbing
RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → I read ahead a few questions, and how you think many people are CURRENTLY eating, drinking, about to do something, listening to something, and waiting for something baffles me.
62. Drinking → The tears of my enemies
63. I'm about to: Answer question 64
64. Listening to → The dying gasps of my enemies, and Fake Problems.
65. Waiting for → Guffman
YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? Please see number 23 and then notice that there is no number 67 and then remind me why you think it was necessary to bill this as 100 questions when there are now at most 98.
68. Careers in mind? Yes. I have careers in mind. None that I’m interested in, but just to list a few, Astronaut, Fireman, Stripper, Oceanographer, Therapist.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
69. Lips or eyes → Which is better with the opposite sex? It’s cute I guess that someone who’s third or fourth language is trying to write a survey, but can we try to write questions that make sense? That said, every single woman’s eyes are better than her lips, since I guess that’s what this strange and somewhat retarded question is asking.
70. Hugs or kisses → Tentative pats on the back
71. Shorter or taller → Yes, shorter is better with the opposite sex. Or taller is better with the opposite sex. I’m really having a hard time wrapping my head around the way that question was phrased. I guess I’ll get over it.
72. Older or Younger → I only date women who were born on the exact same date as me, down to the year. It’s just easier that way.
73. Romantic or spontaneous → Spromantaneous? Hey, you can’t be funny all the time, cut me some slack.
74. Nice stomach or nice arms → Are there arm people out there? If I’d known women were into arms enough to include a question about it I would have been shaving and tanning these guns this whole time.
75. Tattoos or piercings—Piercings on tattoos. Like a unicorn tattoo that has a metal rod for a horn, or something like that. That’d be pretty sweet actually. Someone who’s not me should look into doing something like that to someone who’s not me.
76. Sensitive or loud → I know a lot of women. And for that matter, I know a lot of men. And when you’re down and you need someone to take care of you, you really want to just be screamed at as loudly as possible. And when you’re settling into bed with your significant other and you want to be held tightly, you really want to have your lover yell at an excruciatingly painful volume directly into your ear how much he or she cares for you.
77. Hook-up or relationship → That depends: Is she hot, or is she smart?
78. Trouble maker or hesitant→ I like the hesitant trouble maker. The one that really has to talk herself into setting fire to your apartment.
79. Kissed a stranger → And now apparently we’ve changed categories in the blink of an eye. Unless we haven’t, and now the question is “WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX Kissed a stranger?” To which my answer is… what?
80. Drank hard liquor → I really hate black licorice.
81. Lost glasses/contacts → Is this now a sign asking for help finding your glasses/contacts? If so, please post this on the message board with all the other lost items.
82. Sex on first date → Not unless she wants to, in which case still no, because she probably has some diseases from first dating it all the time.
83. Broken someones heart → Dude, I break hearts all the time. Watch this. Hey lady. I break up with you! Cold as ice.
84. Had your own heart broken → Broken, shattered, stamped on, crushed into a fine powder and snorted by a fat shemale hooker.
85. Been arrested → Sure, who hasn’t? I didn’t realize it was a crime to fill the trunk of my car with weed and drive to Mexico.
86. Turned someone down → No (get it?)
87. Cried when someone died → I cry all day every day just because I know there are people out there dying, and it really gets to me (sob, sob)
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → I like all my friends. Is that not normal?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Only when I’m looking in a mirror. I only believe in things I can see.
90. Miracles → Only if they’re fronted by Smokey Robinson and singing The Tracks of My Tears
91. Love at first sight → No, but I do believe in spiders.
92. Heaven → Yes, I believe there is a magical place that we go to when we die if we abide by an invisible man’s crazy rules well enough while we’re alive. I totally believe that. I also believe in ice cream unicorns and Sasquatch.
93. Santa Claus → What I want to know is, if there’s no Santa Claus, why do news channels track him on Christmas eve? Is it really just to lie to all the four year olds watching Fox News?
94. Kissing on the first date? → Not only do I believe in it, I abide by it, whether she wants to or not. This has severely limited my second dates, but you know, a guy’s got to have principles.
95. Angels → Only Criss. And I hate him.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → You only want truthful answers to these last five questions? I could have been lying that whole time? Damn me and my unflinching honesty!
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → Yes, I’m currently in a relationship with several nice men and women. Oops. Now I’m in a relationship with nobody.
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? → Only if both people are really unattractive.
99. 5 Things you're MOST thankful for --> Fish, Magic, Boobs, Ronald Reagan, French Toast.
100. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? --> Yes, and that reason is to annoy me.