Warning: Even for Adam, this post is offensive. Don’t let your children read it unless you want to explain to them lots of things that you don’t want to explain to them. Trust me.

Adam Lambert kissed a guy at the American Music Awards.

Oh sweet Jesus, what has happened to this country and humanity? Ever since I heard about this gay kiss on TV, I’ve been having gay sex with as many men as I can find to do it with. The conservatives were right! Now that it’s been brought to my attention that there are gays in the world, and that man Adam Lambert kissed that other man without the fires of Hell consuming both of them on the spot, our entire country is in the toilet! No one will ever marry someone of the opposite sex again! Our kids will grow up to be big old gay queer homosexuals. Men doing men. Women doing women. All along, we had only been heterosexual because we thought it was what God wanted. But now… now I don’t know what to think. If God hates gays, why didn’t He make an example of that lewd, sexual, oh-so-wrong but oh-so-right behavior that left us all with a strange tingling sensation in our pants? Why didn’t He have the stage lights fall on those two sinners, not killing them, but making them realize the effects their behavior would have on us, thereby alerting them that the choice they made to be gay was bad, and turning them straight? Instead, He let it slide, like either He accepts everyone for who they are, or He doesn’t exist. Damn you, God. Damn you to Hell!

It’s readily apparent that now that we’ve all been subjected to this gay kiss, and simulation of oral sex (Satan’s Delight, as I like to call it) on national TV, the world will soon be coming to an end. What’s to stop us from doing meth with gay hookers now? Nothing but those horrifying meth ads. Not even once. Maybe if they’d shown the reality of what being gay was like (“I’m only going to hold this guy’s hand once.” “I’m only going to kiss this guy once.” “I’m only going to have gay sex with this guy once.” “I’m only going to kiss a man on stage, simulate oral sex, and RUIN AMERICA once.”) we could have been spared this horrible fate. Not even once! But once is all it took. And now look at us. We’re having to explain to our children why two men would be kissing. It’s enough to make me want to cry. Or do coke off of a gay man’s erect penis.

If you haven’t completely blocked it from your memory, try to recall the horror that ensued after we all saw Janet Jackson’s breast at the Superbowl. I remember my fictional children asking me what that part was, and how uncomfortable it was for me to have to tell them that though every woman has two of them, and they’re what has fed children and entertained both men and women in the bedroom for as long as people have been around, and that they’re FILTHY, DISGUSTING parts of the human body. My children’s fictional eyes bled, they vomited dust. It was horrifying. Myself, I was sent away for two years to recover in a mental institution.

But “Bravo!” to Good Morning America for canceling Lambert’s performance the next day. Obviously those theatrics at a huge awards show performance would have only empowered him to bring his pornographic act to 8am morning shows that no one watches. I’m glad our housewives and elderly were spared what would surely have been unprotected, spontaneous anal sex on stage, while singing filthy gay songs. It’s a good thing GMA had the sense to stand up and say “No! We will not have your homosexual antics on our family friendly morning show.” At least one television program is standing up for our moral values: We don’t talk to our kids about sex, we treat the human body like it’s a filthy thing to be ashamed of, and we care more deeply about what other people do than raising our own children and living our own lives.

Look, I’m just following the example of Ted Haggard and other religious leaders all over the world here. We all know the Bible was written by God to get us away from being homosexual. It’s the most important thing in the book! Deutoronomy 3:15 “Don’t be banging on no queers, because that shit ain’t right and it’ll lead to the downfall of humanity. Love Jesus.” It’s been clearly established that marriage is between a man and a woman, and not two gays, because if gays can get married, what incentive do we have to be straight? Just look at all the priests molesting those young boys. Politicians soliciting gay sex in bathrooms. If we could just shove homosexuality back in the closet where it belongs, and cover up all our women from head to toe, can’t you just imagine what a great society we’d be living in? Our heterosexuality safely locked in place, and our women subservient and at home, we’d be a perfectly moral and happy society. Hell, we’d be Muslim. And just look at their perfectly functioning, utopian societies. Something we can all aspire to.