Dear Guy Who Lives on My Floor and Smokes Cigarettes in the Fucking Stairwell,

Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you, but allow me to introduce myself. I'm new around here, and I'm trying to get into shape. I'm taking this opportunity in a new city and a new job to get a new body. Or, more precisely, an old body. The one I had junior year of college. One of the ways I'm doing this is to walk up and down the stairwell every time I come home or leave. Nine flights of stairs a few times a day has already helped me get into better shape. Strangely, I never see anyone else in the stairwell. I guess most people just prefer to wait 15 minutes for an elevator so they can stand in it with 10 other people who waited for the elevator. But that's neither here nor there.

I'm pretty sure that if you want to smoke and you don't have a smoking apartment, you are supposed to go outside, or just smoke in your apartment and pay the fine. If you went out into the hall to avoid smoking in your room, and lit up, I have a feeling there would be some people who had some words that had some four letter in them to say to you. Same if you lit your cigarette up in the elevator. Or if you broke into someone else's apartment and smoked in there. So I really doubt that it's okay to smoke your cigarettes in the stairwell.

Remember when I said I was trying to get into better shape? Well, by the time I get up to the ninth floor, I am breathing pretty heavily. And there, sitting on the ground and lingering in the air, is your cigarette. Lung and mouth cancer may be a part of your long term life plan, but it's not part of mine. So please, go downstairs, go outside, and leave my lungs alone. I may be the only person in this building who uses the stairwell, but I think that actually means I should be rewarded, not punished.

Thanks,
Adam