In just fifteen minutes, President Obama is going to give his "controversial" speech to students across the country. As longtime readers of this blog know, I'm pretty much a muckraker. A yellow journalist. A third 20th-century profession that now seems obsolete. So, with that in mind, I present to you...

How the Conservative Opposition Envisions President Obama’s Speech to Public School Children

To all the girls and boys across the country: good morning. Today, on what is, for many schools, the first day of the academic year, I would like to take a few moments to talk to you about the importance of hard work and determination. When I was a child (living in Hawaii without a proper birth-certificate), my mother instilled in me several core values. She taught me that, in order for me to be successful, I would always have to work hard. She taught me that, in order for me to feel satisfied, I would always have to persevere. And she also taught me that welfare and universal health care are necessary parts of life and you’d be silly to argue otherwise.

Year after year, we here in Washington D.C. struggle to find ways to keep students in school. The fact is, the drop-out rate in this country is staggeringly high. So let's talk candidly about a few reasons why. First, drugs. Obviously, you shouldn’t do them. Drugs will negatively affect your way of thinking, they’ll consume your life, and they’ll make you a bad, bad person. But hey, who am I to speak? I’ve tried marijuana, and look where I am. Not too bad, huh? The harder stuff, though – your cocaine, your ecstasy, your heroin – try to stay away from that. Unless you’re only trying it once because you’re curious. Then it’s okay.

Or maybe you already have a job, stocking groceries for minimum wage five nights a week. Sure, it seems great now, but, eventually, I'm going to collect every single penny you earn. That’s right, I’m saying it here and now: I’m raising income taxes. And not only income taxes, but also property taxes and so-called “death taxes.” If it has the word “tax” in it, you can be sure you’re paying more. Why? Because. Just because. Get used to not getting satisfying answers from authority figures, kids.

Sex. I know it’s on all your minds. And don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about, fifth grade classrooms. Look, just don’t drop out because you can get laid. That’s just stupid. Oh, and I absolutely must mention one thing: condoms. Condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms. I literally cannot say that word enough. Condoms. Use ‘em. And ladies? Come on. The least you can do is offer anal. You don’t have to go through with it, just provide the option. I mean, this is the 21st century.

A few other things I want to mention real quick: I’m banning the Bible and replacing it with the Koran; all guns will become illegal within the next year; and, oh, we’re returning Alaska to Russia. That way Sarah Palin no longer lives in the United States and, if she wants to run for president in 2012, she’ll have to move to a state where it’s not okay to be completely fucking insane.

Good luck with your future studies. Stay in school and work hard. And remember: condoms. I’m out.