Let's talk for a few minutes about trick endings in movies. I've identified two trick endings that have been used to death, and therefore suck. A quick warning: you may disagree with the following assessments of these movies. You're free to have your own opinions. Just know that they're wrong, unless they're the same opinions I have.

Let's start with The Cardinal Sin of writing: the "It Was All A Dream" ending. It's the ultimate slap in the face for everyone who's watching or reading what you have produced. It is in effect saying "Thanks for sticking with me through two hours of this nonsense; now I will reward you with the fact that NONE OF THAT JUST HAPPENED. That's right, it was all a huge waste of your time and attention!" If you know me at all, you know that I hate the movie Vanilla Sky with a passion. That's because, as I remember it, about a third of the way through the movie, Tom Cruise has some kind of accident. For the following 90% of the movie, we watch him running around doing some things, see Penelope Cruz's boobs, and are generally kind of bored but wondering what's going on. Then, right at the end, BAM! He wakes up. See, after his accident, he went into a coma or something and was preserved in some kind of science fiction life preserving thing. So what you just watched for the last hour and a half didn't happen at all. At this point, the viewer throws up their hands at the screen and exclaims "Are you KIDDING!?" and walks out of the theater wondering why he wasted his life watching a mediocre movie that didn't even happen.

A similar and equally frustrating movie was Oceans 12, in which the caper they were spending the whole movie focusing on was actually completed soon after the opening credits. It goes a little something like this: Movie starts, caper is explained, caper is completed, lots of unnecessary actions, wasted time acting like the caper wasn't completed, fake "witty" dialog, and then, right at the end, BAM! the big reveal that you just wasted an hour and a half of your time watching unnecessary actions, wasted time, and real "shitty" dialog, because the damn deal was done in the first fifteen minutes of the movie.

I'm not sure what kind of sadistic people think this stuff up, but the "...then he woke up" or "...it was all solved a long time ago" ending, what I am deeming the WOYFT (Waste of Your Fucking Time) ending, is a cruel joke, an easy way to get an "oooooooooo" from a stupid audience. It's a cop out, a cheap way to explain away any inconsistencies in the plot or any unrealistic items therein. It should be taught in Intro to Kindergarten Writing that any ending that totally negates the entire movie or book is a bad ending. I don't want to invest my time and money in something that is ultimately going to tell me that it was all a dream, a joke on me.

The second trick ending that needs to be put to bed is the "They're the same person!" ending, made popular for our generation by the timeless classic Fight Club. I'm sure there have been plenty of movies before that one that used this ending, but that one was the one for me that made me go "Holy God, they're the same fucking person. I just peed myself a little." It was awesome. The ending was used to much the same effect in Identity, a neat little thriller that pulled it off well. But then there were throngs of movies and shows where multiple people were the same person in actuality. It actually got to the point where at the beginning of every movie and TV show, if there are two people talking to each other, I assume that they are the same person right up until the end of the movie, regardless of whether that assumption makes sense or not. I had this feeling during the first three seconds of the movie Secret Window, and it turned out, I was right. Johnny Depp and John Turturro were the same person, and the whole time the movie was ever so subtly leading up to this point, I was just repeating "they're the same person" over and over in my head. It ruined the movie knowing the trick ending before it started, and it ruined the movie that it was so painfully obvious that that's what was going to happen.

Signs that you're watching a movie that's about to roll this dusty corpse of an ending out onto the screen include two characters never being in the same place at the same time (Superman Syndrome), two characters being at the same place at the same time but other people don't seen to notice one of them (Sixth Sense Syndrome [yeah, I know Bruce Willis and that kid weren't the same person, and actually, Sixth Sense was an excellent trick ending, but still, they were in the same place all the time and no one paid attention to Bruce Willis, so you see where I'm going with this]), and watching a movie made in the early 2000s that was a thriller. This is an example of a great trick ending being used so often that it becomes a bad cliche ending. I call this the They Were All The Same! (TWATS!) ending.

I actually thought of one more ending while writing this, and that's the "Aliens Get Killed by Some Common Earth Substance" ending. I'm looking at you, Signs and War of the Worlds. Let's start with some awesome killer aliens coming and just dominating Earth, enslaving people, killing people, destroying civilization. But wait! This hyper advanced civilization out in the universe conquering lesser civilizations should have done more research on OUR planet, because we have water, and that decimates them! Or, our atmosphere is toxic and they just kind of die. Someone back at home base is getting fired for this one! Seriously, what we want to see is an epic human-alien battle in which our obviously pathetic-in-comparison species is obliterated by these evil aliens. That's a realistic ending. You think these guys have mastered bending space so they could conquer the universe, built crazy ass ships and weapons, and they didn't look into the fact that WATER KILLS THEM!?!? I don't have trouble believing that there are aliens wanting to kill us, I have trouble believing they'd commit an oversight of such majestic proportions. I call this the Stupid Aliens Die (SAD) ending.

So, moving forward, Hollywood, please stop making movies that end like this. Also, stop making bad sequels to bad movies, remakes of bad movies, and bad movies. Thank you.

I'm tired of feeling like the undead. I have no idea what the hell kind of illness I have, but it's no fun. This morning, when I was doing my hourly check of this blog (as I assume you all do, as well), I thought I was having some sort of feverish hallucination when I saw the new design and color scheme. Then I realized that Adam simply put some time and effort into revamping the outdated layout. Looks good, Adam! (You fucker, for erasing our precious comments...) Friend!

I'd like to thank my sister for being our first official follower. Makes me feel even more like the Pied Piper. (I know what you're thinking. "He already feels a little bit like the Pied Piper?" Yes.) Maybe she can let us know just how she'll be alerted of an update. Email? Carrier pigeon? A slight prod, gradually nudging her toward the computer?

My multimedia blog posts shall continue with another video. We saw this guy (heretofore known as Mr. Jams) on Sunday. He was sitting on top of a truck, right beside the Pot of Gold port-a-potty. Despite the fact that no one seemed to be paying attention to him, he was up there, jamming out, lip-syncing the words to all the songs on his killer mix. He was way into it. What's even weirder is that we crossed paths with him the next day. Sadly, he wasn't jamming.

Alright, so I changed a couple things. I think I killed our old comments so sorry to everyone who left one. If you want, you can re-comment. I apologize. I didn't know this would happen.

Second, I put that followers thing over there on the right. I have no idea how to use it, but you should figure it out and follow us so we look like we have fans.

Third, the comments are now BELOW the posts, where they should be. I don't really know why they used to be above the posts, but now they're in a logical place. So, once you're done reading a post, you can just comment away. Wonderful.

Fourth, when I updated all this stuff, it kind of screwed up the old layout. There was a lot of white space and no differentiation between different posts made on the same day. Thus, this new look. I actually like it quite a bit because it retains a similar color scheme to the old one and it's really pretty organized looking. So, yeah, I'm sorry about the comments, and I'm sorry if I pissed anyone off by doing this, but it's done and not only will I not undo it, I don't even know how to undo it. So enjoy!

Look at Brian and his fancy schmancy video technology. What's next? Laser guided blogs? Blogs that write themselves? A blog revolution, in which blogs become sentient and rise up and destroy their writers?

Speak of which, Cam sent me this email yesterday, presented here verbatim so you can see how lazy I am:

"I've been reading your blog again and decided that you should update the template you use (your current one is a little stale). In addition, you should get rid of you HaloScan comments and use the default blogger comments. There's also a widget that you can put on your page with allows people to follow your blog. I would totally follow yours, but you've got no widget. Get the widget. That is all."

Two things. One, what other blog regularly cuts and pastes emails that its writers get? That, like Brian said, is the kind of transparency we promise to bring to this new government of the Irreverent Times Journal. Two, that email sounds like a LOT of work. But I'll look into some options, get some price quotes, try to find some contractors, and see if such changes are a viable option in today's economy. So stay tuned, maybe, because it's possible, possibly, that there's a chance, kind of, that we might fiddle around with these ideas and make this thing the blog of the FUTURE (read: present, not five years ago)!!!

I saw boobs!

But really, Mardi Gras is more interesting than that. It's full of family-oriented parades and all-day tailgates. The drinking and eating start early and go until late. There can be one to four parades in any given day. Beads come at you at velocities and directions unknown. The bags of beads -- usually containing 8 to 10 pairs of beads -- are like missiles. Even a single strand of beads can do significant damage. I'm not ashamed to admit I got hit in the face twice. It stung, but it was the kind of sting of success.

As a result of the trip, I am now sick. My upper-respiratory system can shove off it, for all I care. I'll be back later, when I'm feeling healthy and witty. In the meantime, I leave you with this, from Saturday afternoon.

Apparently Barack Obama reads my blog, because last night he did exactly what I asked him to do. I'm now planning on taking a tour around the country wearing a giant Obama head and preaching the gospel of the Great Obama. Damn, did you see that speech? I was cheering! I was moved to tears! I had to pee in the middle of it, but I left the door open so I could still hear! Best State of the Union address I've heard all year, and that's a fact.

Let me ask you a question: What's the deal with hipsters smoking cigarettes? All of them do it. They all stand around taking about pretentious nonsense in their tight pants with their stupid hair and smoking cigarettes. Nobody smokes cigarettes anymore. Lung cancer has lost its appeal over the years. But these hipsters, man. I guess the better question is, what's the deal with hipsters? Do they know how much they suck at everything in life?

I was going through my old files and found a couple stories I wrote that I totally forgot about and are pretty good. I'm working on figuring out a way to get those up here so that they don't take up a whole ton of space. If I can do that, I'll let you have them. I'm such a generous person, I give my hard work away for free. Please donate. Anyway, while I was rummaging, I found the following saved in a file called "Two Minute Bit." To explain, kind of, at one point I wanted to write a two minute stand up comedy routine. These are the ideas I apparently had:

Two minute bit

Danny not flushing the poops
Contacts story
Racist doorbell


Now, the first two I know. The contacts story is the funniest thing I've ever said in my life, according to Kate. She makes me tell it every time I see her. Danny not flushing the poops is pretty self explanatory. But can anyone tell me, what the hell is "Racist doorbell?" I apparently had this idea at some point in my life, but for the life of me I cannot figure out what I was going to say about "Racist doorbell." I'd really like to know, because it sounds extremely funny.

Anyway, I have two ideas for posts in my Word file here, so this thing should be around for a little while longer, anyway. I expect when Brian returns from his journey to the Mecca of beads, he'll have lots of awesome things to tell us ("I saw boobs!") So thanks for checking this thing out, and I'll talk to you later.

Racist doorbell... what the fuck.

Would it be okay if I went against the grain of my like-minded-and-aged people and asked a simple question? One that may cause me to be cast out from the liberal 20-something crowds that I've been known to associate myself with? Actually, I don't really care if it's okay. It's my onnal (see first post ever in this thing) and I'll do what I want.

Does Barack Obama have a fucking CLUE what he's doing?

My answer here to my own question is twofold. First, I'm having trouble accepting a few parts of his presidency so far. One, he's still traveling around the country having town hall meetings. Sir, you've already won the election. We all saw what a great campaigner you are. That, combined with the fact that any sane person could not have voted for any ticket with Sarah Palin on it, guaranteed the massive landslide that you rode into D.C. on. You can stop campaigning now. Don't talk yourself out of the sale.

Two, and I don't know if anyone really realizes this or not, but the man is running around looking A LOT like that last guy who was in office. Using fear to pass your will through Congress? Where have I seen that before? I don't mean to be negative of The New Christ, but maybe instead of shouting from the mountaintop "HEY! WE'RE FUCKED! FUUUUUCKED! IF WE DON'T START THROWING MONEY AROUND LIKE CRAZY WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS!" maybe an approach such as "Don't panic, America. We're facing hard times right now, but I know what I'm doing. Let me lay out my plan in plain English to you to convince you logically that this will help," would be a breath of fresh air. I know I'd appreciate it.

Third, though I know I said this answer was twofold, is a simple "No." That's the easy answer to the question I posed earlier, though it's not Obama's fault. What's really astounding about this, and probably the reason I never did understand economics, is that we've created systems that are so far above anyone's heads that no one knows how to fix this. This economic slowdown/meltdown/apocalypse/whatever is akin to the robots rising up against their creators. We made this economy, and it's turned against us, and there is not one single human being on the face of the earth that knows what the solution is.

Everyone's got their opinions: Republicans cling to the long dead corpse that is tax cuts. Democrats figure if we throw enough money at the wall, eventually something will stick. Anarchists think we should abandon the whole thing and let the country burn. Apathists think that we should do nothing and let the natural rises and falls in the economy get us back to where we should be. Darwinists think we should let all the idiots who lived above their means starve to death in the streets, thus allowing humanity to move on in a more responsibe manner. Hippies think we should invent electric cars (again). Cats enjoy laying in the sun. Dogs like sniffing butts. Me, I don't know what the hell to do. I just wish that someone would at least put on a brave face and make me feel like I don't need to learn how to build weapons from the scraps of our soon to be burnt out and destroyed cities in order to ensure my own survival after the impending downfall of America. I wish that Obama would do that. He's such a good speaker, and he's a liar like all other politicians, so why not just fucking lie to us and tell us it's going to be okay? A little optimism couldn't do any harm right now, could it?

That's it. I'm leaving. After a triumphant return, some cutting-and-pasting of an email correspondence, dragging out a simple list of 25 items, and (per my contract) one diatribe every seven posts, I'm leaving. It's been fun. But the wealth -- again, the wealth! -- is just too much. And here I am, typing this in my bathrobe.

Hardy-har-har! (I expect that, when you laugh, it sounds like you're pronouncing the name of an anthropomorphic hyena. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, then maybe you should watch Hanna-Barbera cartoons other than The Jetsons [1962-1963], The Flintstones [1960-1966], Scooby Doo [1969-1976], Johnny Quest [1964-1965], Yogi Bear [1961], or Tom and Jerry [1940-1957]. Or maybe I shouldn't be such a pretentious bastard. [Though, at least you now know the root of said pretention!]) But seriously: I'm leaving.

On a trip, that is! Hardy-har-har! (Don't worry, I had to Wikipedia "Hardy har har" just to know what I was talking about in the previous paragraph.) Confused? I am, too.

Yes. New Orleans. Mardi Gras. The throw-down in the, uh, low-town... Last time I visited The Big Easy, it sparked a massive, two-country expedition that's only a third of the way chronicled in The Road to Mecca. The last two-thirds of the trip were so vile, so disdainful (and all because Ben refused to see Laser Radiohead in Seattle!), that I was too psychologically scarred to continue the blog. Or I got lazy.

So who knows what will come of my trip down to New Orleans. My goal is to make it on EVERY SINGLE ONE of the Girls Gone Wild videos. And if I fail that goal... Well, let's not even consider that an option.

Brian here. So the big story yesterday was about that New York Post cartoon. Maybe you heard about it? Now, I'm not a fan of Rupert Murdoch. And I'm sure most of that hatred is baseless (just like the hatred that spews forth from his massive news conglomerate. Zing!), but I think part of my fear and hatred also stems from the fact that this picture is absolutely terrifying. (Warning: do not expose to young children or the easily startled.)

Okay, so here's the deal. I love free speech. I fucking love free speech. I fucking goddamn love free speech. I fucking goddamn George-W-Bush-was-a-total-fuck-up love free speech. But here's the catch: there are always going to be assholes who do asshole-ish things with free speech. The KKK, for instance. I don't want to hear a single thing they have to say, but they have the right to say it. No one should listen to a single word of their hate-filled propaganda, but it's their opinion. And yeah, I'd love it if they were to just one day go away completely. That'd be fantastic. But I'm not about to suggest suppressing an opinion just because I disagree with it. No, I'll leave that kind of arrogance to the bigots.

So the New York Post cartoon. The thing is, I don't even think it's racist. I don't like the cartoon, I don't think it's classy, I don't think it was well-thought out or appropriate, but I don't think it's racist. True, in the past African-Americans have been portrayed as ape-like, and yes, the New York Post probably cringes every time it prints "President Obama," but, again, this is an issue of decorum, not race. It's crass, not racist. If the police officers in said cartoon were wearing KKK-styled white sheets, then I'd be all aboard the racist bandwagon. If the cartoon said, "They'll have to find some other nigger to write the next stimulus bill" -- but of course they'd never print that. Because that's racist.

But here's the kicker. This cartoon debuted on Wednesday, February 18th. Does anyone else remember reading a certain story about a chimpanzee being shot? One that printed on, you know, Tuesday, February 17th? This cartoon isn't racist, it's just topical. It's topical and stupid. The New York Post simply thinks the stimulus bill is so bad that only a primate could've penned such a plan. And hey -- there was a chimpanzee shooting the day before, so what's a political cartoonist to do?

Bottom line: The New York Post is tacky and perhaps overly opportunistic, but not racist. Free speech is awesome, but you have to accept the fact that, every once in a while, you might get offended. It's okay, though; we can handle it because we're all adults here. At least, I think most of us are.

Just real quick, one my many (few) talents is making good mixtapes. Or CDs, I guess. So here's the most recent one I made. You feel free to make copies of it, it's pretty solid.

1. Rilo Kiley - I Never
2. The North Atlantic - Scientist Girl
3. Sufjan Stevens - Chicago
4. The Weakerthans - Virtute the Cat Explains Her Departure
5. Stars - Your Ex Lover is Dead
6. TV on the Radio - Shout Me Out
7. Jenny Lewis - Acid Tongue
8. Neko Case - The Needle has Landed
9. Margot & the Nuclear So and So's - As Tall as Cliffs
10. Dustin Kensrue - Please Come Home
11. Jenny Lewis & the Watson Twins - Rise Up with Fists!!!!
12. Kay Kay and His Weathered Underground - Birds (On a Day Like Today)
13. Manchester Orchestra - Where Have You Been?
14. New London Fire - This is What Became
15. Cat Power - She's Got You
16. Sara Bareilles - Gravity
17. Okkervil River - Bruce Wayne Campbell Interviewed on the Roof of the Chelsea Hotel, 1979

I was waiting for Brian to get finished with his 25 Things that make me a Pretentious Bastard list (ha ha, buddy, just kidding) before I posted this. Just a little background on this bad boy: Brian and I used to have a website where we would do pretty much what we're doing here, except in website form and not blog form. We then decided it was too much work doing HTML so we started this blog, where we can do the same thing we used to do but not have to worry about how it looks. Anyway, on that old website, which is still around at bkservo.tripod.com for some reason, we used to do these things called Twisted Surveys, in which we would take those insipid "getting to know you" surveys that used to be so popular and make them funny. So I saw one of those floating around on Facebook and decided to give it the ol' post-college try. What you are about to see are the results:

1. Last beverage→ I don’t care how old beavers are. Wait…
2. Last phone call→ I hope the last phone call I ever make is to Jesus, but we’ll see.
3. Last text message→ I hope the last text I ever send is to Santa, but we’ll see.
4. Last song you listened to→ All the single ladies! All the single ladies. All the single ladies! All the single ladies. I mean, metal. Something metal.
5. Last time you cried→ While listening to that All the single ladies! song. It just touches me in such profound ways.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice → I’ve been on two dates with lots of people, yes. I’m offended that you thought I hadn’t.
7. Been cheated on? Fucking computer has been cheating me ever since I started playing videogames, and that was like 21 years ago.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? For a guy like me, kisses come so few and far between that I can’t possibly regret any of them (awww).
9. Lost someone special?→ Yeah, that was the worst hiking trip ever. I looked for her for a couple hours, but then the sun started going down and I got hungry. You know how it is. I hope she found her way back eventually though. I’d feel real bad otherwise.
10. Been depressed?→ I’ve been every kind of pressed there is. DEpressed, IMpressed, SUPpressed, EXpressed, PERMANENT pressed, OPpressed. Pressed for time. Pressed for information.
11. Been drunk? Nah, I don’t mess with alcohol. It’s all blow and crank for this guy.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Clothing – Low cut, short, see through
13. Cars – Bright Yellow, Puke Green, and able to transform into giant robots
14. Appliances – You know, I hadn’t really thought about what colors I would like all of my appliances. So instead of answering this, I will list three things: pizza, baseball, Ipod.

THIS YEAR (last 12 mo) HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends → Yes, two sock puppets. One is named Sifl, the other is named Olly. And since I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who remembers that show, I’ll just take credit for the idea right now.
16. Fallen out of love → Is it possible to fall out of love? Or do you just have to push it to the back of your mind and try not to think about it anymore? And then something, some sound or image, comes along and reminds you of the love you’ve repressed and brings it back to the forefront of your mind and your knees buckle and you feel weak, leaning on a post, fatigued from all the memories you’d forgotten and the time you’d spent with this other person weighing on your soul. In a flash, you’re right back there with that person, weighing questions: “What happened?,” “What did I do wrong?” A noise shakes you out of your trance, and you have to go on with your day, feeling a little sadder, a little more defeated, but knowing that in a day or so you’ll be able to shove her back into the dark recesses of your mind and move forward, pretending that you’re okay until the next time you hear that song or eat at that restaurant, and it all comes flooding back again.
17. Laughed until you cried → No, but I have cried until I laughed, and that was pretty weird.
18. Met someone who changed you→ I’d just like to thank Dr. Best. Growing up, my breasts never were big enough for me. Now, thanks to him, I have the confidence I know I deserve.
19. Found out who your true friends were→ As opposed to the people who are pretending to be my friends for personal gain? I’m sorry folks, but my life isn’t interesting enough, nor am I worth enough money, to have people pretending to be my friends.
20. Found out someone was talking about you→ If you’ve gone a year and no one ever talked about you, I’m sorry. Consider getting out more.
21. Kissed anyone on your friend list→ I’ve kissed about 75% of the people on my friend list. On the mouth. With tongue. If you’re in the 25% I didn’t kiss, then, well, it’s probably high time you ask yourself why.
22. How many people on your friend list do you know in real life → None. I didn’t even know they were real people until right now.
23. How many kids do you want to have→ None… THAT I KNOW OF! Wait…
24. Do you have any pets → None… THAT I KNOW OF! Wait again…
25. Do you want to change your name→ Yeah, to Hoofdink Purpleberry.
26. What did you do for your last birthday→ Viewed a slideshow of me emerging from my mother’s womb with friends. It’s a Jones family tradition that I try to involve as many people in as possible.
27. What time did you wake up today → I haven’t woken up yet. I’m sleep typing.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night→ Fighting a dragon in New York while being chased by crazed Jiffy Lube employees and making out with Jessica Biel.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for → I can’t wait for SOMEONE to come play in Colorado. Anyone. All the bands I like have forgotten that there is a middle of the country. I’d like to see Against Me! with Lagwagon, the Weakerthans, and the Gaslight Anthem. And I’d like each of them to play a full two-hour set.
30. Last time you saw your father→ You shouldn’t assume everyone has a father. What if someone didn’t have a father and they got to this question, and then they got sad. Would you be able to live with that on your conscience? Would you? You soulless bastard.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → I would replace it with one that is more exciting, in which I have way more sex, am a foot taller and much better looking, and am rich.
32. What are you listening to right now → The mournful wails of the prisoners in my basement.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → This is one of the best questions I have ever read in one of these things. Very random. So in the spirit of randomness, I will answer this way: Peanuts.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? -> The fact that I’ve been doing this thing for 45 minutes and I’m not even close to half way finished.
36. Whats your real name → Jinglehump Wigglebottom Flobbledobble, III
37. Relationship Status → Code orange
38. Zodiac sign: Tauracapriquarius
39. Male or female→ What about our transgender friend, Pat Sam Smith?
40. Elementary→ My dear Watson
41. Middle School → DeGrassi
42. High school → Musical
43. Hair color → It was brown originally, but then I dyed it the exact same color brown, so now it’s brown.
44. Long or short → Schlong
45. Height → Asking about someone’s height is like asking a fat person how fat they are.
46. Do you have a crush on someone? Everyone.
47. What do you like about yourself? I look absolutely fantastic in a nice dress.
48. Piercings → One through each hand and foot, and several around my scalp.
49. Tattoos → I have a butterfly above my ass and the words LOVE MOM written in giant flaming letters on my nuts. I mean chest. I mean I don’t have tattoos.
50. Righty or lefty → I can only write if I use both hands at the same time and strangle the pencil.
51. First surgery → C-Section
52. First piercing → Prince Albert (look it up if you need to, but don’t say I didn’t warn you)
53. First tattoo—Black eye after telling my first girlfriend she was a bitch.
54. First best friend → My right hand .. …. …. …. … man, Brian.
55. First sport- Competitive ice dancing
57. First vacation→ Crawford, TX, clearing brush with ol’ Bushy. In hindsight, I wish I hadn’t taken that opportunity to talk him into going to war with Iraq. My bad.
59. First crush→ Orange
60. First alcohol -- Rubbing
RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating → I read ahead a few questions, and how you think many people are CURRENTLY eating, drinking, about to do something, listening to something, and waiting for something baffles me.
62. Drinking → The tears of my enemies
63. I'm about to: Answer question 64
64. Listening to → The dying gasps of my enemies, and Fake Problems.
65. Waiting for → Guffman
YOUR FUTURE :
66. Want kids? Please see number 23 and then notice that there is no number 67 and then remind me why you think it was necessary to bill this as 100 questions when there are now at most 98.
68. Careers in mind? Yes. I have careers in mind. None that I’m interested in, but just to list a few, Astronaut, Fireman, Stripper, Oceanographer, Therapist.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
69. Lips or eyes → Which is better with the opposite sex? It’s cute I guess that someone who’s third or fourth language is trying to write a survey, but can we try to write questions that make sense? That said, every single woman’s eyes are better than her lips, since I guess that’s what this strange and somewhat retarded question is asking.
70. Hugs or kisses → Tentative pats on the back
71. Shorter or taller → Yes, shorter is better with the opposite sex. Or taller is better with the opposite sex. I’m really having a hard time wrapping my head around the way that question was phrased. I guess I’ll get over it.
72. Older or Younger → I only date women who were born on the exact same date as me, down to the year. It’s just easier that way.
73. Romantic or spontaneous → Spromantaneous? Hey, you can’t be funny all the time, cut me some slack.
74. Nice stomach or nice arms → Are there arm people out there? If I’d known women were into arms enough to include a question about it I would have been shaving and tanning these guns this whole time.
75. Tattoos or piercings—Piercings on tattoos. Like a unicorn tattoo that has a metal rod for a horn, or something like that. That’d be pretty sweet actually. Someone who’s not me should look into doing something like that to someone who’s not me.
76. Sensitive or loud → I know a lot of women. And for that matter, I know a lot of men. And when you’re down and you need someone to take care of you, you really want to just be screamed at as loudly as possible. And when you’re settling into bed with your significant other and you want to be held tightly, you really want to have your lover yell at an excruciatingly painful volume directly into your ear how much he or she cares for you.
77. Hook-up or relationship → That depends: Is she hot, or is she smart?
78. Trouble maker or hesitant→ I like the hesitant trouble maker. The one that really has to talk herself into setting fire to your apartment.
79. Kissed a stranger → And now apparently we’ve changed categories in the blink of an eye. Unless we haven’t, and now the question is “WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX Kissed a stranger?” To which my answer is… what?
80. Drank hard liquor → I really hate black licorice.
81. Lost glasses/contacts → Is this now a sign asking for help finding your glasses/contacts? If so, please post this on the message board with all the other lost items.
82. Sex on first date → Not unless she wants to, in which case still no, because she probably has some diseases from first dating it all the time.
83. Broken someones heart → Dude, I break hearts all the time. Watch this. Hey lady. I break up with you! Cold as ice.
84. Had your own heart broken → Broken, shattered, stamped on, crushed into a fine powder and snorted by a fat shemale hooker.
85. Been arrested → Sure, who hasn’t? I didn’t realize it was a crime to fill the trunk of my car with weed and drive to Mexico.
86. Turned someone down → No (get it?)
87. Cried when someone died → I cry all day every day just because I know there are people out there dying, and it really gets to me (sob, sob)
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → I like all my friends. Is that not normal?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself → Only when I’m looking in a mirror. I only believe in things I can see.
90. Miracles → Only if they’re fronted by Smokey Robinson and singing The Tracks of My Tears
91. Love at first sight → No, but I do believe in spiders.
92. Heaven → Yes, I believe there is a magical place that we go to when we die if we abide by an invisible man’s crazy rules well enough while we’re alive. I totally believe that. I also believe in ice cream unicorns and Sasquatch.
93. Santa Claus → What I want to know is, if there’s no Santa Claus, why do news channels track him on Christmas eve? Is it really just to lie to all the four year olds watching Fox News?
94. Kissing on the first date? → Not only do I believe in it, I abide by it, whether she wants to or not. This has severely limited my second dates, but you know, a guy’s got to have principles.
95. Angels → Only Criss. And I hate him.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → You only want truthful answers to these last five questions? I could have been lying that whole time? Damn me and my unflinching honesty!
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → Yes, I’m currently in a relationship with several nice men and women. Oops. Now I’m in a relationship with nobody.
98. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? → Only if both people are really unattractive.
99. 5 Things you're MOST thankful for --> Fish, Magic, Boobs, Ronald Reagan, French Toast.
100. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? --> Yes, and that reason is to annoy me.

Here we go, the end (or is it the beginning?) of Brian's Wildly Indulgent List of 25 Forms of Media that have Influenced Him. Last, but not least (or first, but not, uh, last), is music. And since I'm talking about music, expect long, rambling passages. That's what I do.

1. Better than Ezra’s “Desperately Wanting” and Our Lady Peace’s “Clumsy”: Here’s a brief trip through my musical history: For the majority of my childhood, I listened to what my parents listened to. This consisted mostly of soft rock. It wasn’t until 7th or 8th grade when I finally began branching out on my own. I started listening to DC101 -- our local alt-rock station. “Desperately Wanting” and “Clumsy” were the first two songs that really caught my attention. I would listen to the radio on my boombox, waiting for those songs to play so I could tape them on a cassette and listen to them again whenever I wanted. Eventually, I picked up Our Lady Peace’s Clumsy, and that was my very first CD.

2. Blink 182’s Enema of the State: Look, I’m being honest here, okay? Doesn’t mean that I have to be happy about it. My first choice for this slot was an MXPX record. Then I changed it to a NOFX record. Then I realized that the TRUE album that got me into punk rock is this pop-punk album from 1999. I would put this CD in my CD player (because mp3 players weren’t around at the time, kids), put the CD player on repeat, and do puzzles for hours on end. What can I say? I was an out-of-control high schooler.

3. Osker’s Idle Will Kill: I don’t get why people who like punk rock wouldn’t like this album. This is what punk is all about. Here’s how the album opens: “Patience is nothing worth holding onto. Bite my tongue? Why should I, when you never did that for me? When were you schooled in technicalities? I didn’t know I made friends with fucking rock critics.” And on you go, a ride spanning fourteen songs that all deal with the pains of growing up. Other factors that I consider add charm to this record: the snotty teenage vocals, the fact that Osker never gave a fuck what fans thought of them, and the fact that Osker broke up after this, what would have surely been their finest work no matter how long they stayed together.

4. The Weakerthans’ Left and Leaving: My all-time favorite lyricist is John K. Samson of The Weakerthans. This album was my first exposure to them and it remains my favorite. If I could choose only one side of any album to listen to for eternity, the A side of Left and Leaving would be my answer. Try to find a bad song in this bunch: “Everything Must Go,” “Aside,” “Watermark,” “Pamphleteer,” “This is a Firedoor, Never Leave Open,” and “Without Mythologies.” Have you tried looking? Don’t bother -- you won’t find one.

5. (The album that won this spot is a surprise that I will reveal after much, much explanation.): This is the last open slot I have on my list. Blink 182 was an easy choice, as was The Weakerthans and the album that follows. Even Osker was fairly easy, because it’s a punk rock album that punk rockers don’t like. (I inherently like things that so-called fringe groups look down upon. I will never be fully “indie,” I will never be fully “punk,” I will never be fully anything. I will listen to whatever I goddamn please, thank you very much, even if that includes Better than Ezra, Our Lady Peace, or any other mainstream music.) So this was a hard spot to fill. I wanted to use The Lawrence Arms’ Apathy and Exhaustion. I wanted to use Lagwagon’s Let’s Talk about Feelings. I wanted to use Bad Astronaut’s Houston, We have a Drinking Problem. I wanted to use Saves the Day’s Stay What You Are. And while all of those are exceptional albums, it was hard for me to pinpoint how, exactly, they were influential. So I thought about it, and what I came up with is... Junction 18’s This Vicious Cycle. An infectious pop-punk album that rocks. It just rocks. Those songs are damn fun to sing along to, and catchy as hell. And, in high school, when I first found out about the album, I wanted to share it with everyone I knew. In fact, I made a little system where my circle of friends would pass the album from one person to another. The album got an overwhelmingly positive response. I felt good about exposing my friends to music they had no chance of discovering on their own. And it’s only now that I realize that that one act, sharing Junction 18’s debut album, is probably what sparked my interest in becoming a radio DJ.

6. Explosions in the Sky’s The Earth is not a Cold Dead Place: And now we come to the end of my college years. I drifted from my punk rock roots and started dabbling in the “indie” territory. One of the biggest leaps for me was getting into instrumental music. Before, I always associated my love of music with the lyrics. I didn’t think music without words could affect me. And then I heard “Your Hand in Mine,” the zenith of The Earth is not a Cold Dead Place. I was floored. How could music evoke such feelings in me? Music that doesn’t even contain a single word, for that matter? I don’t know. Even after dozens and dozens of listens, I still don’t know. But it does. Somehow, it does. This album takes me places. This album helps me sort things out. This album is absolute perfection.

I've just noticed that each one of my updates is getting successively earlier. Soon I will have to update this blog in the middle of the night. That will be unpleasant.

7. R.L. Stine’s Goosebumps series: Transcendental literature this is not, but what it is is a series of books that I was obsessed with in elementary school. They got me reading on a regular basis. I can attribute being an English major and writer to being a reader, and I can attribute being a reader to Goosebumps.

8. Dave Barry: For most of middle school I was obsessed with Dave Barry. My family had a subscription to The Washington Post at the time, and every weekend I would read his article at the back of the Post magazine. Reading those pieces, I realized that writing could be something fun. That it could make people laugh. And that’s when I realized that I wanted to be a writer.

9. Chuck Palahniuk’s Survivor: I watched Fight Club in high school. I think I knew it was based on a book, but maybe not. Then, freshman year of college, I got into Chuck Palahniuk. Survivor was my first book. I used the bus system to go from campus to the Books-a-Million off campus, picked this up, returned to the dorm, and read the first hundred pages in one night. At the time, I had never read anything like it. The style, the story, the fact that the page numbers were counting down… A huge influence on my writing.

10. Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead: There is not a single play that is like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. It’s philosophy without being pretentious or boring. It’s also philosophy that’s accessible (even if it’s only the second or third viewing where things start to click). It’s also incredibly funny. Tom Stoppard is fucking smart in this play, and I wish I could write something this smart.

11. David Foster Wallace’s Consider the Lobster: I was incredibly surprised and sad when I heard the news that Wallace killed himself last fall. I’ve never been a huge fan of his fiction, but his essays are top-notch. I strive to have a vocabulary as robust as his. And yet, he never seems to be showing off. Instead, he’s just using words that other people seem to not use. I didn’t have to run to the dictionary every five minutes to look up a definition, but, when I finished reading, I felt like my vocabulary had grown.

12. Italo Calvino’s If on a Winter’s Night a Traveler: Near the end of college, I started getting into post-modernism. This book is my favorite post-modernist novel. A brilliant story brilliantly executed: the first chapter opens with Italo Calvino addressing you, the reader, asking you to get comfy. The second chapter is the first chapter of If on a Winter’s Night a Traveler. Right as you get into the story, it cuts off. Chapter three is about you, the reader, and how your copy of the book seems to be defective. So you go to the bookstore where you try to get a new copy, only to find that all the other copies of the book have the same defect. Somehow you stumble upon a new book. Chapter four is the first chapter in that new book. But there’s a defect with that book as well... and so on, each chapter alternating in that fashion. Also, I’d give an extraneous organ for a convergence as cool as the one at the end of this novel.

My Valentine's Day gift to you is the movie portion of my list. Oh, and a surprise late addition.

13. Back to the Future, Part 2: In all honesty, I probably like the first movie better, but part 2 has been the bigger influence. From a storytelling perspective, I’ve always loved how they travel both to the future and the past -- the exact same past you saw in the first movie, just from a different angle. Brilliant! Also, I can’t even tell you how many times, as a kid, I’d go outside and replay the scene at the beginning of the movie with Marty on the hoverboard when he’s stuck on the water.

14. Adaptation: Charlie Kaufman is probably my favorite screenwriter, and this movie is why. Sure, Eternal Sunshine is his more famous movie, and for good reason. But that movie is brilliant both on the page and on the screen -- the amazing work Michel Gondry did takes the script to a new level. But with Adaptation, the script (and the scriptwriter) is the backbone of the story. This is a writer’s movie.

15. The Usual Suspects: I’m a Kevin Spacey fan, and this movie is part of the reason why. It was the first “you really need to watch it again to realize how brilliant it is” movie I ever saw.

16. The Fall: Okay, I admit it: the only reason I looked into this movie is because it stars Lee Pace, of Pushing Daisies fame. But wow, what a beautiful movie this is. As a writer, I tend to fixate on a movie or TV show’s script. It doesn’t matter to me if the acting is exceptional, or if the costumes and set are amazing, or if it’s a beautifully rendered computer animated movie. If it doesn’t have a solid script, I can’t get into it. The Fall completely shattered that analytical experience for me. The visuals so overwhelmed me that I completely forgot about the merits of the script (which, upon reflection, is rather so-so. Not bad, by any means, but nothing amazing). But watching this film, that didn’t matter. Because it’s just so damn enthralling.

17. The Legend of Zelda: This is the late addition that got in just before publication. I was thinking about how this list is about media that’s influenced me, yet I’ve completely overlooked video games. As a kid, they were a huge part of my life. I still play them now, though really it’s only Rock Band. The first game I ever played was, like most 20-somethings, Super Mario Brothers. But the one that truly got me into video games was The Legend of Zelda. It’s still one of my all-time favorites. I remember talking to my cousin Jonathan on the phone because I was having trouble near the end of the game. He helped me through it, and then he told me that there was a secret second quest. A second quest??? A whole new game, essentially??? This was unheard of.

All right. Let's get this show started! (Ha! Get it? Wait, shit. Let me explain.) First up, the list of influential TV shows. Let's get this show started! (Get it?) Please note that this list is not in any particular order. Just because these are labeled 18-25 doesn't mean that they are any less of an influence than something at, say, 1-5. Cool? Cool.

18. Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!: I love this show. I love it even though it’s not perfect. In fact, in any given episode, I might only enjoy 60-80% of the material. But the absolutely ridiculous things they do, and, more importantly, how they present it, totally makes this show. It’s sketch-comedy from hell. You’ll either love it or hate it -- there’s no middle ground. If you enjoy cheesy “as seen on TV” ads, or cheesy after school specials, or cheesy Power Point presentations, then this show might be for you. Regardless, it’s now a part of my sense of humor.

19. Pushing Daisies: As a writer, I think one of the hardest things to do is express true emotion without sounding clichéd, cheesy, or fake. But this show can totally nail heartwarming without being any one of those things. It’s funny, it’s sad, it’s life-affirming. It has great writing and great acting and stunning sets and costumes. However, one of my favorite aspects of the show is that it takes an illogical concept (waking dead people) and fastens it to binding rules. Fantastic.

20. Sports Night: My very first exposure to Aaron Sorkin. It’s a half-hour comedy that balances the hilarious with the dramatic without missing a beat. Sorkin’s dialogue is rapid-fire. The only downside to this show is the laugh-track that cripples the first season.

21. The West Wing: And after I thought it couldn’t get better than Sports Night, here comes The West Wing. I can never decide which show I like better (it usually comes down to which show I’ve watched most recently), but the fact that these episodes are twice as long as a Sports Night episode means more show to love. I can’t vouch for Season 5-7, as they are post-Sorkin years, but Seasons 1-4 (and 2, in particular) are some of the finest political drama ever.

22. The Wire: While Aaron Sorkin wins the award for “heightened level of dialogue that I wish everyone spoke in,” David Simon and the writers of The Wire win the award for most authentic-sounding dialogue. The character development in this show is amazing. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has redeeming qualities. Everyone gets stuck in the system. In my opinion, season 2 is rather lack-luster, but the other four seasons are top-notch.

23. Mystery Science Theater 3000: My favorite low-budget cult classic show. The premise is ridiculously simple (a guy and his two robot friends watch horrible B movies and talk back to the screen, adding their own humorous commentary), but the result is nothing short of brilliant. From the low-brow to the high-brow, the sheer range of jokes is astonishing. There were jokes I got in high school, then there were new jokes I got in college, and finally there are new jokes that I only now get. This show has truly, truly, truly shaped my life.

24. Arrested Development: Call-backs, foreshadowing, double or triple entendres… This show is one of the most tightly-knit shows I’ve ever seen. Unbelievable. It’s the only sitcom (if you can even call it that) that I’ll ever need.

25. The Daily Show: No, it’s not the only place I go for news, thank you very much, but let’s be honest -- as much as Jon Stewart jokes, it’s a good place to go for news. I’m glad there’s an outlet for my pessimism and overall disgust with all things political.

As I said in my last post, it's nice to be back. I'd like to thank Adam for letting me jump back on board. True, he and I have no idea what this vessel is or where it's headed, but we're back on the open sea, and that's the important thing. Well, that and hoisting the sail on all these boating metaphors.

So I suppose I should get to the perfunctory bring-you-up-to-speed update. Last we spoke, it was July of 2006. The heyday of this blog. The money was rolling in. The champagne was ever-flowing. I sat on the back porch of my apartment in a bathrobe and I was somehow making money. Yes, it seemed like nothing could stop us. But there's really only so much champagne and bathrobe-wearing one can handle. I felt like it was time to pack up and move on. I was ostensibly homeless, anyway, since the abundance of my wealth was such that, whenever I'd open the door to leave my house, piles of gold coins would comically trickle out, much like a junk closet hastily filled to the brim right before a girl comes over to check out the ever-flowing champagne, only for her to curiously open the closet door and be avalanched by the packed contents inside that were heretofore making the door physically buckle outward, sparking me to wonder why, exactly, she'd even attempt to open such a comically-shaped door. My point: I was filthy rich and there were comical non-sequiturs occurring in my life. That had to stop.

So I left. Without a word. I couldn't re-enter my apartment since the entire living-quarters were filled, floor to ceiling, with regenerating gold coins. There was no way for me to access my computer and type out a farewell. So that was that.

I felt like my life had been empty up until then. I wanted to do something that, while perhaps not as lucrative, wouldn't destroy my soul (or liver. All that champagne probably wasn't good on the ol' liver.) Thus, I became an SAT-prep teacher for a year and a half. Then I decided I wanted to help even more kids. So I became a substitute teacher. Which brings us to today. The end.

Moving on. I believe in transparency. So, in an effort to keep you, the reader, in the loop, here are some excerpts from the email I sent Adam about rejoining the blog. It starts with a classy title: "Well, holy shit." Then it jumps right into the message, no salutation necessary: "That's pretty much what was going through my mind when I found out that you resurrected the Irreverent Times blog. It's one of those things that I totally didn't expect. And the only reason I checked was because I was sitting here, thinking over what CDs I should add to my list (explanation forthcoming), and I was like, 'Adam would have a similar list. Speaking of Adam, I should check out that old blog we used to do.' And then I saw that you'd written in there as recently as three days ago and I thought, 'Well, holy shit.'"

This is part of a real correspondence, folks! You're getting raw, unedited, uncut (and uncensored!) email. I mean, seriously, where else can you find shit like this?

"Now to backtrack and explain about the list. So you know that '25 random things about me' list that's like a virus on Facebook? I really don't want to do one of those. Mostly because everyone's doing it, but also because it's too... I don't know. The supposed 'random' aspect makes me suspect. People either A) don't seem to put things that are truly 'random' or B) don't put things that are altogether unsurprising. I was thinking about it and I thought, 'If I'm gonna do this, I'm at least going to make it have a point.' So I thought that picking 25 forms of media that have influenced me would be a good list. I've got the TV shows, I have most -- if not all -- of the books, I have most -- if not all -- of the movies... That left music. And when I saw that your blog posts have all been about music -- nice selections, by the way -- it was a second 'holy shit' moment."

Which brings me to the announcement all of this has been leading up to: expect daily installments in a four-part series entitled Brian's Wildly Indulgent List of 25 Forms of Media that have Influenced Him. Check your local listings.

Hark! A triumphant return! Queue the fanfare! Queue the flourish! Queue the excessive use of exclamation points! Roll out the red carpet! Dress to the nines! Drink up!

Okay, let's calm down some. So I'm back, whatever. It's not like anyone cares.

Oh, hey Brian of 2004-2006. Boy, you sure were angsty and way too self-deprecating back then.

Whatever. I hate everyone. EVERYONE.

Even me, from the future?

Well-

Shut up, you're stupid.

Hey-

No, I'm serious. I don't even know the full extent of your stupidity. Because, honestly, I'm too ashamed to even read all of those old posts. I'm glad they're around for posterity's sake, but if you're just stumbling upon this blog, then let's let the past be the past, shall we?

So that's it? I'm just gone? I don't exist?

Well, sure, you still exist, I guess. But I don't think we'll be hearing from you too much anymore.

Oh, like my life is all of a sudden going to be perfect in 2009?

No. Some things will still be the same, but a lot of things will change.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, you know that very last post you made, back in July of 2006?

Yeah.

You made a mock SAT question.

Sure. It was a stupid joke and no one laughed at it because it wasn't funny and no one cares and it was a stupid joke.

Shut up. You already said that. Anyway, it's rather coincidental that you did that, because a year later, you'll end up working for Kaplan as an SAT-prep teacher.

No way.

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm serious.

Wow, that sounds SO exciting.

There again with the cynicism.

It's what I do. In 2004 I'm still a stupid 20-year-old.

All right, all right.

But hey, I think there's something that we still have in common, me of 2009.

Yeah? What's that?

I probably still won't want to talk about my personal life on the blog.

Hey, for a stupid 20-year-old punk kid, you're not completely worthless.

Is that self-deprecation I hear?

Shit. It's time for you to go now. That old Brian isn't even part of this blog. I forgot his sign-in info. This is the new Brian, complete with functional username and password.

Arg. (Here the Brian of 2004 grumbles a lot and does other angsty things.)

That's nice. Why don't you go to a bar, buy yourself a beer, and drink your sorrows away?

Because-

Because you're not old enough to buy alcohol, that's right!

You're a dick.

Shut up.



It's nice to be back.

I have a fever and I may be dying, but here I am typing in this box anyway. Respect the dedication.

There have been a lot of good things happening to me recently. First, Sarai showed up again. Second, I feel like I'm starting to have something resembling a social life. Not that I really do anything aside from sit around and go to sleep during the week, but on the weekends it seems like people want to hang out with me. And I want to hang out with them! Wacky shit. And third, Brian just sent me an email saying that he wants to jump back into this crazy little blog we used to do. So I guess we'll be back in something resembling full force soon. As for right now, this is just going to continue to be whatever the hell it is right now (me writing to myself), but to borrow a phrase from Brian's email, maybe sometime relatively soon, "Maybe we can make something even better-ish this time." We'll see.

She & Him's debut is a beautiful album. And I, like Sarai, would like to make out with Zooey Deschanel.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some strange coincidences with you that led to this reuniting of the two most powerful voices in blogging the world has ever seen. I wrote my top 25 albums, right? So there's another list of 25 things going around like the plague, and that's the 25 random shits about you on Facebook that everyone and their grandma's dog is (are?) filling out. So Brian, being the creative genius that he is, decides he wants to put together 25 pieces of media that most influenced him, and he thinks that if anyone has enough spare time to put together a list like that, I would. And that leads him to check this blog, which, by some mystical feat of fate, I had just started updating. So either there's some kind of magic connection between two people who have known each other for TWENTY FUCKING YEARS!(?!?!), or sometimes weird shit just happens. Who knows.

I took the liberty of reading old posts on this thing, and man, there was some good stuff on here, especially towards the end. And then... nothing. Like the dark ages. It sure is strange to see what and who I used to care about and see what's changed or hasn't changed. I hope that in the future I/we can continue to move in the direction that the blog was headed in when Brian and I dropped off the face of the blog-earth. One thing that hasn't changed is my hatred of the word "blog."

Does ANYONE care about the Grammys? I'm struck this year after hearing that Viva la Vida won best album by the realization that the Grammys are like an awards show for the best of the bad popular albums during the year. I've read a lot of music critics' best albums of 2008 lists, and Viva la Vida was at the top of a whopping zero of them. I've actually heard it, and it's not bad, but it's like saying Pineapple Express was the best movie of the year. Sure, it was entertaining, but surely something was released that pushed music forward in new and bold ways or showed us a prime example of a specific genre of music. Coldplay is not a band likely to do either of those two things ever. It's like giving the Foo Fighters the Grammy for releasing an album with loud and soft songs on it. So I guess I say to the Grammys, "Really?"

Michael Phelps shouldn't have apologized for smoking weed. He's a dude. Dudes smoke weed sometimes. He should have said "Yeah, so?" And now South Carolina is pressing criminal charges against people at that party for smoking weed? They might as well give everyone who has a driver's license a ticket for speeding, since they probably have done that at some point, and about 75% of the country should be arrested for having done drugs at some point in their lives. If I were to make a new list of the 25 Dumbest Shits I've Ever Heard, being allowed to prosecute people for things they've done in the past and weren't caught by police doing would be in the top ONE.

I guess I feel kind of silly writing this thing right now since I'm pretty sure the viewership consists of me. And recently Brian. But you know what? Once this thing catches fire, I figure people will have a whole lot of back posts to read. And that's cool.

Anyway,

Today Sarai came over and we saw each other for the first time in years. It was kind of like nothing had ever happened, except she lost some weight and I gained it. And she's married. But it was nice to have an old friend over and just hang out. She shared She & Him with me, and now I need to make her a couple mix CDs because I've got music she doesn't know she's missing out on. We had Five Guys. I'm glad she's back in the world and happy.

I need to move out of Fort Collins. This place blows. If I wanted to live in a town full of douchebag college kids and old people, I'd live... well, here. But I don't. So I need to move.

Joe Rogan's comedy special on Netflix is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. I wish I was a standup comedian. I like it when people laugh at me. When I'm trying to get them to. Not as much when I'm not.

Anyway,

I'm not sure that tipsy/drunk is the best way to write the last couple of captions for these top 25 albums. However, that's the way it goes. Top 5 albums of all time, coming up:

5. Guns N’ Roses – Use Your Illusion (I & II)
I’m lumping these together because they’re a double album, despite the fact that they were released separately. If someone wants to get technical, I’ll say that I slightly prefer II, but that’s moot because I’m lumping them together, so get over it. Don’t Cry. November Rain. Estranged. Live and Let Die. Coma. Civil War. Yesterdays. Knockin on Heaven’s Door. Come on, this/these is/are the best rock and roll album/albums ever made, by the best pure rock and roll band there ever was. Don’t try to argue with me, because I’ll play you one of Slash’s endless awesome guitar solos and you’ll have no choice but to slink away defeated.

4. Lagwagon – Let’s Talk About Feelings
To give you an idea how short this album is, the vinyl version is a 10” instead of the usual full length 12”. However, these are the best 25 minutes of straight up punk (albeit poppy punk) music that I’ve ever heard. The songs blaze in and out of each other, each song basically leading into the next. The lyrics are some of the best that Joey Cape ever wrote. And there’s not a bad song on here. A lot of people would put this album near the bottom of Lagwagon’s catalog, but those people are all stuck on the metal leanings of Trashed (also a great album) or the harder punk edge of Hoss (also a great album). In the end, though, people who aren’t hung up on their punk being too punky should realize that this is the best Lagwagon album, and in my mind, the best punk album I’ve ever heard.

3. Against Me! – Reinventing Axl Rose
This was a toss up between this one and Searching for a Former Clarity, but in the end, for me, this album was much more important. Early Against Me! (up to and including this album and The Disco) is much more raw and dirty than later Against Me!, and that’s what attracted me to this album and this band so much. Lyrically superior to any later album, nothing else I’ve ever heard or read has made me want to be a nihilistic anarchist more than this album. And while Tom Gabel and I both realize at this point that that’s stupid, I still get a little rush listening to this album. Against Me! has become one of my favorite all time bands, with my favorite all time live show, and that all happened because of this dirty folk-acoustic-punk album.

2. Bad Astronaut – Houston We Have A Drinking Problem
Aside from having one of the best album titles ever, this mix of punk rock, prog rock, space rock, and really every type of rock, is the modern album that I have related to more than any other. The great rock music here is unmatched in my opinion. Joey Cape is basically my musical hero, and this album is a conglomeration of all the reasons why: great lyrics, layers upon layers of instrumentation, and just plain awesome songwriting combine to make this the best modern album I’ve had the privilege of listening to. The message boards at punknews.org might not get it due to their narrow-mindedness, but I swear, the first time I heard this was the musical equivalent of witnessing the creation of the universe or Jesus’ miracles first hand. Unbelievably good, from lovingly created first note to lovingly created last.

1. The Beatles – Abbey Road
The Beatles could basically populate half of this top 25 list. Rubber Soul, Magical Mystery Tour, the White Album… they’re all great albums. But when I think of the best albums ever recorded, the b-side of Abbey Road is so far ahead of everything else that this is a no-brainer. People can say the Beatles were overrated as much as they want, but the medley(s) that populate(s) the end of this album prove that these four men together were the best singers/songwriters that ever lived. Abbey Road in unquestionably the best album that has ever been written and played, and I can pretty much guarantee that no album will ever surpass the genius contained in this piece of wax/plastic, ever.

Yay!

Alright, now that that's over, I'm going to really try to continue to update this fairly often. I've already started to regain that magic that I used to feel from the written word. I've got a Word file open with some topics to write about, and the urge to write. We'll see what happens.

Love, Adam

Sorry no update yesterday. Lost and Top Chef. You know how it is.

10. The Weakerthans – Left and Leaving
Really, any Weakerthans album is going to be better than 95% of the stuff that comes out in any given year. Left and Leaving, though, was another one of those albums that came to me and changed my life. Maybe not in any earth shattering ways, but this is an album I can point to and say it opened my eyes to a whole new genre of music. The lyrics on here are most likely the best that I’ve ever heard in music, with the first half of the album being an absolutely perfect set of songs. The album slows in its second half, but overall this is a soul crushingly beautiful piece of music.

9. Green Day – Dookie
You’ll notice a theme for a lot of the albums on this list, and that theme is that it’s usually a band’s earlier work that gets them on here. For all the hoopla about American Idiot and how it was supposedly the best rock album ever released, it didn’t even come close to Dookie in terms of quality of music. In fact, few albums I’ve ever heard have been so enjoyable to listen to. Basket Case could be the first “punk” song I ever heard. Also, “Longview,” “She,” “Welcome to Paradise,” and really every song on here is awesome stuff.

8. The Offspring – Smash
Another early album that trumps all the stuff that came after it, Smash is one of the albums that stand out in my mind as influential in my musical tastes. The Offspring here were in just the right mindset, creating great punk rock tunes while still bringing out their silly side in appropriate doses (not like the doses that created the second half of Americana). I remember playing four square in sixth grade (oh, so innocent) singing “You stupid dumbshit goddamn motherfucker!” with my friends. It still kind of amazes me how parents can delude themselves into thinking they can protect their kids from things. But that’s another topic all together. This album is the goddamn motherfucking shit, though.

7. Weezer – S/T (Blue)
To anyone discerning music fan about my age, the question Blue Album or Pinkerton has to have been asked multiple times. I’ve floated back and forth between the two albums and I’m pretty set in that this one is a tiny bit better than Pinkerton (though both are approximately one googol times better than anything else Weezer has released). This album was nerd rock at its finest, with songs about Buddy Holly, the garage, surfing, dreaming, and other totally rocking subjects. Its unassuming nature is one of its greatest strengths, and really, there’s not a filler song or a down moment on this, Rivers Cuomo’s shining moment.

6. Foo Fighters – The Colour and the Shape
Dave Grohl seems like he’s subconsciously trying to get back to this album. He’s put out a double album with one side being hard rockin’ electric songs and the other being acoustic. He’s put out an album where he basically went around saying “We’re trying to mix electric and acoustic songs! We’re trying to change the world of music!” And, perhaps ironically, before any of this strange line of thought that no one has ever mixed loud and soft music before occurred, he put out The Colour and the Shape, which masterfully mixed loud and soft, electric and acoustic. And apparently he wasn’t even trying back then. “Everlong” is one of the best songs ever written. “Monkey Wrench” rocks harder than maybe any other Foos song ever. “February Stars” is beautiful. And every other song on here offers something, starting with the soft “Doll” and ending with the rocking anthem “New Way Home.” I’m kind of surprised that Dave Grohl seems to have missed the fact that he already put out his dream album, but I’m not surprised that he seems to subconsciously want to put it out again.

Does anyone actually care that Michael Phelps smokes weed? Jesus Christ, it seems like we have more important things to worry about. Also, does anyone actually think they can form a convincing argument for pot being illegal? It's like alcohol but much better and safer, plus fewer calories!

15. Lucero – Tennessee
Lucero has put out a bunch of great southern rock albums, full of great southern rock songs, but the one that has to stick out as the absolute best is their second album, Tennessee. Songs like Here At the Starlite, Nights Like These, and pretty much every other song on the album are simple, rocking songs complete with awesome guitar work and great lyrics. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Lucero are keeping rock and roll alive.

14. Mountain Goats – The Sunset Tree
Unlike some of the other bands on this list that I had trouble picking the best albums of, this one was a no brainer. Not to say that the Mountain Goats haven’t put out a lot of good albums; they have. The Sunset Tree, however, is far and away the best album Mr. Darnielle has released. For this one he turned his microscope inward, and what results are some of the most painfully honest songs ever put to tape. This is his best use of the full band, and nearly every song on here could squeeze a tear from any cold hearted bastard who gives it a listen.

13. Alkaline Trio – Maybe I’ll Catch Fire
It was between this album and From Here to Infirmary, but I picked Fire because it’s more diverse than the other album, and the high points on this album are several of the best songs Alk3 has ever released. Find someone who doesn’t like the song “Radio” and I’ll find you a liar. Other tracks like “You’ve Got So Far to Go,” “Fuck You Aurora,” and the title track reach soaring heights that this band has never reached before and never will reach again.

12. Blink 182 – Dude Ranch
Alright, look. For one brief shining moment, Blink-182 came together and released what could be the best pop punk album ever made. This is that album. What came before and what came after were decent efforts, but Dude Ranch is one hell of an album. I remember when my step sister Taylor (God rest her soul) first played me this on a cassette tape in the back of the car on a dark ride home from somewhere, and from that night onward, my musical tastes were changed. Later, my friend Ryan Priest reminded me of how good this was. I’ve moved on to other music since then, but this album will always hold a special place in my heart.

11. Thursday – Full Collapse
Listening to Full Collapse is a journey through a sonic landscape. That sounds weird, but I remember when I first experienced this album, it was like nothing I had ever heard before. Now looking at the mess of terrible screamo bands this spawned, it’s kind of hard to judge on its original merits, but I had never heard anything even close to it, and still it’s the best example of how to do melodic hardcore or whatever you want to call it. Geoff’s vocals were the exact right amount of off pitch, the screams were perfectly timed, and the production focused on the right amount of punch at the right times. Try not to scream along to “Understanding in a Car Crash,” “Autobiography of a Nation,” “Paris in Flames,” “I Am the Killer,” or really any other song on here. Thursday has never been CLOSE to this good, before or since.

Stay tuned for more!

How do you like this? Look at all the timely updates! The list continues:

20. Osker – Idle Will Kill
This little album was really hated by just about everyone who wrote a review about it, but I think that’s because anyone who wrote a review about it was a punk rock kid, and they were disappointed that this album was slower, richer, fuller, and much much better than Osker’s first album. This is an emotionally honest and pretty album that deserves a better lot in life than it got.

19. Saves the Day – Stay What You Are
Saves the Day changed for the better with this album. While their first albums were catchy pop punk, this is a dark album that almost defies genre. Chris Conley’s vocals are the best here that they will ever be, the lyrics are excellently evil, and the album is one of the best I’ve ever heard

18. NOFX – Punk in Drublic
When it came to NOFX, I knew I had to put one of their albums on here because to anyone who’s honest with themselves, NOFX is hands down one of the best punk bands of all time. I went with Punk in Drublic because it blends their old, harder stuff with their newer catchier stuff perfectly. It’s an iconic album in punk rock, and with good reason.

17. Boysetsfire – After the Eulogy
Speaking of blending hard and catchy music, you won’t find many albums that do it better than this one. It alternates between blistering hardcore songs and well constructed poppier songs with ease, and the lyrics found on this disc are nothing short of astounding. It all culminates in “My Life in the Knife Trade,” which is hands down the best song this band ever wrote, and one of my all time favorites.

16. Okkervil River – The Stand Ins
I’ve been listening to Okkervil River since Black Sheep Boy, which I thought was a great album. Then I heard The Stage Names, which I thought was a great album. And then last year I heard The Stand Ins, which I must have listened to more than any other album last year, and I’m still not sick of it. The songs swell from quiet to loud and back again with ease. The instrumentation is diverse and appropriate, not overusing horns or strings, but bringing them in when it benefits the song. And the lyrics, as always, are spectacular. Will Sheff doesn’t have the best voice in music, but he does write some of the best songs, and from start to finish, this album doesn’t disappoint.

I think I'm going to post these top 25 in fragments, so that I don't have one pages long post. So without further adieu, here are the first five:

25. Sleep Station – After the War
Sleep Station’s albums up to this point were half filled with masterfully constructed acoustic songs and half filled with filler. This album was and still is their best album to date, and one of the prettiest albums I’ve ever heard.

24. The Avett Brothers – Emotionalism
The Brothers have gotten better with each release, and this latest full length is their best yet. It’s a great bluegrass rock album with catchy songs and lyrics that go straight to the heart. It’s hard to listen to this album and not feel something.

23. Against All Authority - 24 Hour Roadside Resistance
This is kind of an odd duck on this list, as most of the bands on here have multiple albums that I really like. This is far and away AAA’s best album, nailing the gritty feel of the band, and featuring blistering punk rock songs with a message. A complete head and shoulders above all their other efforts, this is one of the best straight up punk albums I’ve ever heard.

22. The Lawrence Arms – The Greatest Story Ever Told
I had a rule in creating this list that I couldn’t have more than one album per band on the list. Narrowing The Lawrence Arms’ amazing catalog of music down to their best album was extremely hard, but in the end, the album that had the most effect on me was this one. Featuring the best of Chris’s softer songs and the hardest of Brendan’s rougher songs, this is the greatest story this band has ever told.

21. Gin Blossoms – New Miserable Experience
From start to finish, this is an amazing pop rock album. It was so long ago that I first heard this, and still today it’s one of my favorites ever.

Okay, so I've worked it out with my top 25 albums of all time. I'm not happy with the list, but how could anyone ever be happy with such a list? And keep in mind here that I have certainly not listened to all or even many of what any music historian would call the greatest albums of all time. These are going to be the 25 that I have enjoyed the most, or have meant the most to me. But first I thought I would publish a list of albums that I considered that DID NOT MAKE THE TOP 25. So I will call these:

The Rest

AFI - The Art of Drowning
Animal Chin – 20 Minutes from Right Now
The Anniversary – Your Majesty
Armchair Martian – Who Wants to Play Bass?
Audio Karate – Lady Melody
Brother Ali – Shadows on the Sun
Cadillac Blindside – These Liquid Lungs
The Coup – Pick a Bigger Weapon
Dead to Me – Cuban Ballerina
Dillinger Four – Civil War
The Eagles – Desperado
Fifth Hour Hero – Not Revenge, Just a Vicious Crush
Filmmaker – An Invitation to an Accident
The Gaslight Anthem – The ’59 Sound
Gomez – In Our Gun
Good Riddance – Operation Phoenix
Iron and Wine – Our Endless Numbered Days
Laymen Terms – Drive to Nowhere: Verity’s Novel
Less than Jake – Anthem
Mad Caddies – Keep it Going
Manchester Orchestra – I’m Like a Virgin Losing a Child
Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s – The Dust of Retreat
Propagandhi – Potemkin City Limits
Radiohead – OK Computer
Rancid - …And Out Come the Wolves
Rilo Kiley – More Adventurous
Rise Against – Revolutions Per Minute
RX Bandits – The Resignation
Elliott Smith – XO
Soundgarden – Down on the Upside
Stars – Set Yourself on Fire
Strung Out – Twisted by Design
Sufjan Stevens – Seven Swans
The Suicide Machines – A Match and Some Gasoline
Ted Leo + Pharmacists – Hearts of Oak
Thrice – The Illusion of Safety
Rocky Votolato – The Brag and Cuss
TV on the Radio – Dear Science

I'll post the actual top 25 later, when I've written a little something about each album. These above are great albums in their own right, the best album by each band listed. If you want, you should check them out.

I was talking to Cam recently, and he said he's writing in his blog again. And I said what, you shut up, just like that, with no quotation marks and lots of commas. And that, along with (my) Leslie's constant prodding to write more, has convinced me that I should write more. A hobby. Try and bat away the boredom demons by striking at a keyboard. So here we are. Honestly I don't even remember what I used to write about on here. So to all my nonexistent after all time time readers, I'm sorry if whatever shows up here in the future doesn't live up to the soaring and unrealistic expectations set by the old writings. If you're like me and you'd like to relive those glory days, the posts are preserved here indefinitely. Classics like "Adam's Driving School" and "You're Not Going to Pass Your Old Valentine's Custard Off on Me" will live forever. New classics will surely be created. I guess what I'll plan on doing from now on is just post any fiction I make up, any rants I feel like writing about, and some other crap. Which, I guess, is probably exactly like it used to be.

I was talking to Cam recently, and we decided that it would be cool to try to come up with our top 25 albums of all time and post them. I think that I'll do that very soon, possibly even today. If I can make those kinds of important decisions in such a short time. Actually the main purpose of this first post was for me to remember how the hell I log into this thing. With that mission obviously accomplished, I will bid you adieu for now.

Two years later, this is the first thing I've written in a long time.

Goodbye.

The train station, the sky burning more and more as the sun sets appropriately behind the mountains. My eyes welling up with tears, I look down and to the left. I play with my fingers anxiously, waiting to hear that final boarding call. To see the train suddenly lurch away. I will stand here in this spot until the train is a speck disappearing into that vast unknown and then I will stand here some more. Eventually I will turn and walk to my car, drive home alone. I will stare at the ceiling fan, circling slowly like vultures and wonder how this place ever felt alive, like home. The corners of the room in shadow, everything of you gone. You, gone.

For now I tell you I have something in my eye as my lip quivers and my voice wavers. I cough out a laugh you won’t share with me and try to think about something. Songs run through my head that used to mean something and now mean something else entirely. I try to convince myself that it was all bad and no good, but I keep coming back to that day when the season was slipping into autumn and you sat next to me on a bench in the park in front of the lake that had the fall’s first leaves floating on it, and you spoke.

Hello.

You know, I'm kind of getting tired of bikers. Bicyclists. Whatever the PC term for them is these days. I kind of get the feeling they think they're better than me. Well you know who else rides bicycles? The Chinese. And they kill female babies. So just think about the company you keep, bicyclists, next time you're all cocky because you're getting exercise and saving the environment.

I used the f-word a record 8 times in my last entry.

I need to talk to the people who make "Movie" movies such as Date Movie and Scary Movie. Having recently watched Scary Movie 4 and Date Movie, I feel like I need to write a thesis on the difference between "reference" and "parody." A parody is when you take something familiar, like a scene from another movie, and twist it into something original which makes fun and enlightens the original. A reference is when you take something familiar and be like "remember that?" and don't add anything at all to it. A "reference" is not funny. Please discontinue the use of reference if you want to keep passing off your movies as comedy.

I've been working on this next idea for quite a while. In my years and years and years and years of driving I have noticed certain behaviors that some drivers exhibit fairly frequently, which earns them the title of "Bad Drivers." These behaviors I will now document in the hopes of dissuading people from using them. This is...

Adam's Driving School:
1. When you see a turn lane and you need to turn, get into it. The turn lane is a lane for a reason, so that people who want to turn can line up behind each other and not hold up traffic. Under no circumstances should you wait until you get up to the turn, or even until the turn lane is half past, before you get over. Get over as soon as the turn lane forms.
2. On the same token, when you're approaching a turn lane and are going to turn, get into the turn lane before you start to brake. Turn your wheel sharply to get over, don't sit there drifting between lanes for fifteen seconds. And once you're in the turn lane, slow down. Under no circumstances should you begin braking while still in the main road. The purpose of a turn lane is also for deceleration. If you slow down while still in the main road, you will cause other people to hate you.
3. Use your blinkers. I realize that this can be a daunting task because to use blinkers you have to move one of your fingers that are already on the steering wheel slightly, but if you'd like to not get into accidents, you need to tell people where you're going. If you're at a four way stop and you need to turn left, place you left blinker on. This will let the person across from you know that you're not going straight, and therefore he won't go while you go, and therefore you won't get hit in the side. If you don't use blinkers, I will follow you home and pull a citizen's arrest on your driver's license.
4. If you're driving down the highway and someone is six inches behind you, survey your surroundings. Are you in the left lane? Are you driving the speed limit or slower? If so, then you are encountering the international symbol for "Get the hell into the slow lane, you slow bastard." At this point, get into the slow lane, which is the rightmost lane on the highway.
5. On the other side of the coin, if you are riding someone's ass, you had better be planning on going faster than them for the forseeable future. Under no circumstances should you ride someone's ass, then pass them, get in front of them, and slow way down. It is not necessary to always be in the front of the line.
6. If your cruise control is set to 61 and you need to get into the fast lane to pass someone whose cruise control is set to 60, you need to speed up. Passing when going one mile an hour faster than someone will take days, and the people who want to do 65 or 70 will want to hurt you and your family if you cause them to wait for you to pass someone for a week.
7. Turning your blinker on as soon as you start going down an onramp onto the highway will not help you merge into traffic if you're still doing 40 when you hit the highway. Instead of preemptively blinkering, try speeding up to highway speed on the onramp. That is, after all, what it is for. If you are one of the people who cruises down the onramp at 35 and then hit the traffic moving 75 on the highway, you should know that you are the person who causes accidents and traffic jams, as everyone has to slow down while you think about hitting the gas.
8. When you turn onto a new street, you have to pick a lane immediately. You are not allowed to drive on top of the lane dividing lines while you think about the pros and cons of each lane.
9. I kind of stated this earlier, but if you need to change lanes, change lanes. Blinker it, and then go for the switch. You should be in a new lane in less than two seconds. If you're still working on getting into the new lane 10 seconds later, you are a bad driver.
10. Put your makeup on and read your paper and eat your breakfast before you get in the car so we don’t have to honk at you when the light turns green. Also, you can estimate when the light will turn green by watching other cars. When the cars going perpendicular to you stop moving, you can bet that your turn is coming soon. Pay attention when you're at a red light, and when you're driving in general, and everyone's day on the road will go much smoother.
11. There's no need to have 15 furlongs between you and the guy in front of you when turning left on a green turn arrow. When he goes, you can go and stay right behind him. That way, instead of having three cars get through a turn arrow, eight cars can go. It's amazing.
12. A right turn does not imply a stop sign. You are allowed at a green light or at no light to keep moving when you turn right. Your car will not roll over if you turn at some speed. Don't turn at like 70, but you really really don't need to bring traffic to a grinding halt to turn gently onto your street.
13. If you see a sign that says that the left lane is closed in 1000 feet, you should get to the right within the next couple hundred. If you wait 998 feet to get over because you can fly by all the slow movers in the right lane, you're an asshole and you're going to hell.
14. If you see one of these guys who flies all the way down to where the lane is actually closed and then expects to be let in, you must get 3 inches behind the guy in front of you to not let him in. People like that need to be forced to wait until every single car has gone by. In this situation there should be an unbreakable line of cars to punish this guy for thinking he's allowed to bypass traffic like that. Ideally the wait should be two to three hours for the guy. Once you're comfortable enough with driving three inches behind the car in front of you, you can add a nice touch like looking at the guy in the left lane and smiling as you crawl by him.
15. The horn is for alerting people of something they might not be aware of, like if a light has turned green and the person in front of you has not moved for 5-10 seconds. Press it gently and only for a second, and then let go. Repeat as needed until the person has moved. The horn is not for expressing anger, nor for saying hello to someone you know. Please cut down on noise pollution and stop honking at every single thing that happens on the road.

I'm sure there are more, but that's my list so far. If you have any of your own tips, go ahead and post them in the comments.

F-word count for this post: 0

I sure have cleaned up my act. Until next time, you have a wonderful life.

It occurred to me last night that the sound of a faraway train at night is one of the most haunting, beautiful, comforting things in the world. I don't know what it is, but that mournful wail as the beast moves past off into the darkness is just... great. I love it. Maybe it reminds me of my grandparents' house or something, but I just love it.

That said, let me tell you what is going down. The end of the world may be near, but Jesus will not be making an appearance. I mean, when you're getting stood up by someone, how long do you wait? An hour, maybe a little longer if you're really desperate? Jesus must be absolutely wonderful in bed if you're still waiting for him to show up two thousand years later. But I got news for you... he's found someone else. He's not showing up. I'm sorry.

That said, let me tell you about Mel Gibson. He's a racist, anti-semetic ass. There, simple as that. I have really just two things to say about that, then something to say about celebrities in general.

1. Alcohol does not make you say things you don't mean. Sure, it may make you say "I love you" when you don't mean it in the romantic sense, but you may just mean "I (want to make) love (to) you." Close enough. But when you say "Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," I don't think what you're trying to say is "(I want to be) fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for (great sex, which I want to have). What you're saying is that you're a racist ass who thinks he's fucking Jesus.

1b. All because you can act (read: pretend to be someone you're not [read: lie well]) doesn't mean you get to preach to people, so please stop telling us how to think and feel, and for the love of God, stop making movies about Jesus.

1c. When that Jesus movie came out I remember people saying it renewed their faith. I find it sad that faith can be swayed by Mel Gibson, who hates Jews. What this says to me is that, by proxy, the people who said the Passion of the Christ renewed their faith hate jews, but love driving drunk. Just like their Lord and Savior, Mel Gibson!

2. I'm sick and tired of people getting pulled over for driving drunk and then saying "I am an alcoholic, pity me!" You know what that gets you, if say you show up drunk to work one day and pull the "I'm an alcoholic" line? It gets you fired. So Mel Gibson, what you should be saying if you want to win my forgiveness, is "I'm a fucking ass. I put other people's lives in danger because I'm too cool to call a taxi after I've been drinking. I do stupid things, and I don't deserve pity, because I'm a racist, a bigot, an anti-semite, and a person who should know better, especially considering the sway I have in people's lives because of my (undeserved) position in society." But maybe what I should be pulling from this story is that Jesus is a drunk driving Jew hater. I had no idea. Thanks, Mel!

My thing I have to say about celebrities is pointed towards Mel Gibson, Tom Cruise, and basically all other celebrities. Shut the fuck up and make movies. Please. You're stupid, weird, and all because you have media exposure doesn't mean you get to say all this crazy shit. If any of us normal folks said half the shit you say, we'd be locked up in the loony bin. If you don't shut the fuck up, I won't be able to watch movies anymore. I can't watch Signs without seeing a crazy drunk Neo-Nazi, and I can't watch any Tom Cruise movies with a straight face. Please, for all moviegoers... shut up. That is all.

I have a thing or two to say about religion as well. I don't like it or subscribe to the idea, because it's not Jews causing all the wars, it's religion. That's a fact. But what is also a fact is that for normal, everyday people that I have met throughout my life, religion is a calming, consoling institution. I have met people in recent months who through their faith in God have been carried hopeful through deaths, car crashes, and other devastating things that would put me in a terrible mood. They say things like "God is still good" or "I figure this is a test" and other things like that that I don't really understand, but just hearing the amount of consolation that religion gives these people really lifts my mood and calms me. As in many other facets of life, there is a difference between the institution and the common man. I cannot stand the institution of religion, as it does nothing but foster hate between people. But more and more, I am coming to appreciate the common man's understanding of religion, as it seems to foster inner peace, which produces outer peace. The Christians I meet in my daily life are among the most pleasant people to talk with. The Chrisian Church is a hate mongering institution. I don't really understand this whole idea myself, but I find it very interesting.

One last thing I think I've decided about apathy. I find myself very apathetic towards what's happening in the Middle East because I'm just tired of it. Let the fuckers kill themselves. They've been doing it for thousands of years. I think they like it. If they didn't like it, they'd stop. I think Americans are apathetic about things that happen far away because we have more important things to worry about, like our daily lives. I'm sorry innocent people die far away, but I don't know them, and honestly, I don't really care about them. If that makes me insensitive or apathetic, so be it, but I can't care about every single thing in the world. They made the problem, they can solve it, either through peace like people, or through a nuclear bomb like barbarians. Either way, I'll keep watching to see what happens, but honestly, what I'm going to have for dinner tomorrow matters more to me than what happens over there. Does that make me a bad person or do you kind of deep down feel that way too?

See ya! Wouldn't want to smell ya!