A week ago I was in New York, riding the subway, seeing shows, crammed in a hotel room with 10 other people, eating cheap (yet amazingly good) pizza, walking around aimlessly at 2AM, catching taxis, being carded, looking up at flashing lights and tickers in Times Square, riding the Staten Island ferry, and watching a guy desecrate a toilet bowl with a half rotten banana. Now I'm back in Harrisonburg. Needless to say, it's not quite as exciting as my trip to New York. Which as awesome. It's a trip like that that makes me hate the fact that memories fade and erode over time. I want to hold on to every minute I was there, capture it in words or pictures, keep it with me forever. But I know that a couple of years from now the trip will be a blur, a few frames that flash for a moment and then shrivel away. They'll become another lost dream that I can only remember as I forget it.

Ok, enough of the deep stuff. I need sleep, but I don't want to sleep just yet. Therefore, rambles and run on sentences are bound to ensue. Consider yourself warned.

I have lots of new music. Tsunami Bomb, Fluf, Sondre Lerche, Drag the River, Chad Rex, Jimmy Eat World, Elliott Smith... All good stuff (I assume), but I haven't had the time to listen to them in the past week. School (namely reading) has been taking a huge chunk of my time. I feel like all I do anymore is read. Sometimes I think it's killing my soul. It's not that the reading is horribly bad, it's just time consumming. I miss being able to sit down, pop in a CD, and crank out a few math problems in 10 minutes and that's that. Now, I know I made a vow when I first started this thing to not bitch about my life, and I think I've done a pretty good job with that. But fuck it, it's 3 in the morning. I'm tired. So I'm gonna bitch about being an English major since it's been bothering me. Not that I doubt my desire to continue with English, I just feel discouraged since a few of my previous English classes are pretty much null and void now that I've declared Secondary Education as my minor. Whatever.

It was so nice to be able to go away. For five days I forgot about my life as it is. For five days I had freedom, I had independence. For five days I was the happiest I've been in a year. And then it was taken away and repalced with... this. In high school, everyone always tells you that college is the best four years of your life. And it is, probably. It's just depressing to think that, from here on out, your life will go downhill. And what am I doing with this time? Fucking it away. Fuck. Listen to me. I need to stop this self-pity shit.

The election is coming up very very soon. I don't know what I'll do if Bush gets re-elected, but screaming, shouting, and swearing are all at the top of that list. It's not like Kerry is going to change everything, (though I've gained lots of respect for the man since the debates) but he's bound to be better than Bush. And if you've seen Fahrenheit 9/11 (which I hope you have), then you're bound to feel that Bush shouldn't be allowed to be president at all. It's like when you read the official rules for a contest, and one line is always, "family or friends of employees of (insert company) may not enter," it should be like that with Bush. He should be disqualified from being president due to all of his crazy ties with the bin Ladens. So vote. Please. And tell other people to vote. If you can get just two people to vote, and then those two people tell two other people to vote... It's like the principle in that Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt movie. What was it called? Pay it Forward? I forget. But it's like that. We can make a difference. So let's take the opportunity to do something about it.

Ha. Me preaching about taking an opportunity and doing something about it. Since I'm the expert on that subject.

We picked out pumpkins today. With Halloween being a week away, we're getting in the spirit (Ha! Spirit? Halloween?) by decorating our townhouse and carving pumpkins and all that stuff. I'm trying my best to get into the grove, but it's not happening. I feel so old and stupid when I think that I'll never enjoy Halloween the same as I did when I was 8 or so and went as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but that's really what I think sometimes. It doesn't help when assholes steal decorations you have planted outside. But we saw that coming, so it wasn't quite as big of a deal. Still, people are real jerks sometimes.

Yes! Uplifting, optimistic... These are both words to describe my awesome entry! Actually, if I continue using these exclamation points, then maybe I can mask these not so happy thoughts! There we go, problem solved!

Something cool did happen this week, though, and that was this: Through the radio station, I got to listen to an advanced copy of Strung Out's "Exile in Oblivion" album, which doesn't come out until November 2nd. That was really awesome. Especially since it's a good album. I haven't decided if it's better than "An American Paradox" or "Twisted by Design," but it's definitely really good. Lots of catchy tunes, and the guitars are, of course, awesome. It's not nearly as hard or disturbing as the awful cover art makes it look. So I would recommend picking it up. Maybe you can reward yourself after you vote by purchasing some fine music. Yeah, that'd work.

Also, I saw Races to April tonight. That always helps. "Kill the Lights" live is a cathartic experience.

I want to be happy all the time. I want to make someone else happy all the time. I want to stop writing sappy entries in this blog. Truthfully, I think some people were meant to be alone. Have a nice day!

It's time for the great book update! Yes, I've read more books for class and I have this to say about them: In the Heart of the Heart of the Country by William Gass is officially the worst book I've ever read. For a while it was the Color Purple. This semester it was Excellent Women. But Gass' book surpasses them all by being completely incoherent trash from page one to page whatever. It's five short stories, none of them with any redeeming value except possibly the first 30 pages or so of the first story. Awful. Awful. And then there was Herzog by Saul Bellow which was an enjoyable book, really very slow in places, about a guy who writes a lot of letters to people that he never sends because his wife divorced him. Then he gets over it and stops writing letters. It's more entertaining than that, but at about 400 pages it's really slow until the end, and even then it's pretty slow. Not getting my seal of recommendation either. However, this book I'm reading now, Them, by Joyce Carol Oates, is extremely good so far (89 pages in) and is the first book since the first book we read this semester that I've actually wanted to keep reading. So after I post this I'll go read until midnight.

My cable works. Danny worked some magic on a little splitter in a closet and bam, TV. This has served to remind me how much TV sucks.

I was sure going into the playoffs that it would be the Cardinals and the Yankees in the Series. At this point, I'm still pretty sure it'll be the Yankees, because God hates the Red Sox, but the NL is tough. I'm amazed that wild card Houston is keeping up with St. Louis, but I can only assume it's a fluke and that in the next two games the ridiculous Cardinal lineup will come to life and score hundreds of runs. I have to root for the Cards because I feel they're the only team who can put up a fight against the Yankees, and like any God-fearing red-blooded American male, I hate the Yankees. Laura likes the Yankees. I can't believe that. But sometimes we have to accept these things and move on.

I'm no longer driving the Audi. If I had all the money put in it, I'd have simply taken a metal baseball bat and a chainsaw and whatever other tools of destruction I could find and taken out 3000 bucks worth of agression on the cursed piece of shit. But since Dad had all the money in it, someone's getting a tax write off when it gets given to charity, though if the charity knew what they had coming to them, they wouldn't accept it. It'll probably blow up killing lots of little children or something. It's the devil's car. Now I'm driving a Civic, which isn't nearly as nice as the Audi, but it runs, making it infinitely nicer than the Audi. I salvaged my stereo out of the old Audi though, so one of these days I'll have a CD player in the Civic, and that will be very nice, because the radio blows ass. Except sometimes for the college station, which has played Lagwagon, Strung Out, Atmosphere, The Postal Service, Elliott Smith, and lots of other stuff that you don't expect to hear on the radio. So that's where I keep it. 90.5, KCSU.

Tomorrow the new Me First and Elliott Smith CDs come out. While some people have a problem with Best Buy (and I do too because their customer service is balls) I will be purchasing the CDs there because time has shown that my local independent shop gets CDs late and expensive, whereas Best Buy gets them on time and on sale. One of these days Metroid Prime 2 will come out and I will buy that and play it nonstop until Resident Evil 4 comes out, at which point I will resign from the human race in order to play that game without break until I die of hunger.

Lots of good looking scary movies coming out, most importantly Saw, which looks freaky as shit. Hopefully I'll get to go see that this weekend. I saw Ghost in the Shell 2 down at an independent movie theater in Boulder on... Saturday. I have no clue what the hell happened in that movie, much like after four viewing of the first Ghost in the Shell I have very little idea what happened, but it was fantastic visually and for that alone I think everyone should go see it on the big screen. My 8 bucks was spent on amazing eye candy, and that's fine with me. Maybe when it comes out on DVD I'll watch it a few more times to figure out what the story is.

Cam and I went and saw Against Me! on Friday. It was awesome. Against Me! is awesome. The first band, True North, was boring verging on bad, but they only played like 25 minutes so I didn't get violent. The Blood Brothers were surprisingly good after a few songs when I forgave the singers' ridiculously high voices (especially the blond) and spastic gay dance moves. They put on a good show, and when the brunette sung in a normal voice and the blond screamed, it actually sounded pretty good. And they had a few damn good songs in there where they slowed down and actually played music. And Against Me! killed. Of note, they played The Disco Before the Breakdown for the first time in the four times I've seen them, they had one new song I'd never heard before which was quite good. But there were some notable absences in their set (which was the longest set they've played), including the awesome electric Unsubstantiated Rumors and the other new songs they've played before. But it was a good set. Except for the crowd jumping on stage during the traditional closer We Laugh at Danger and making the band not be able to sing the song. But it was a good time. Then we rode in the HOV lane on the way home, which is this crazy little deal that runs between incoming traffic and outgoing(?) traffic and just goes straight when the highway turns. So we probably saved like a million minutes taking that. Then we passed a bad accident which was cool. That was a good night. We got from south of Denver to Fort Collins in like 45 minutes it seems like because Cam drives like a madman.

The shower door broke today when I got out. Now we can't get in. I told the landlord to get his/her ass over here and fix it, but they were like "nuh uh, we'll take our sweet time." So hopefully they come tomorrow. Otherwise I'll have to go shower with Cam, and I doubt he'll appreciate that (or at least he won't admit it). And that's all.

Cam says I don't update this anymore, to which I say "Oh yeah? Then what's this?" But he's right, I don't update this very often. You know why that is? Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much the stork brings them a kid and he grows up and gets locked into doing the same shit every week and doesn't really have anything to write about. This lack of news in my life will become very apparent very soon.

My cell phone number apparently used to be an insurance company in Georgia's number because I get all these 770 numbers that I don't recognize calling me. I answered the first one because I was like "Sweet, someone's calling my cell phone and I don't know them; this is a prime opportunity for me to make a new friend!" Then they asked for the insurance company and I was disappointed. So now I don't pick up numbers I don't recognize unless they leave a message.

Uh... let's see. Leslie came up again this weekend like every weekend. That was good. I told her we have to see Shaun of the Dead next weekend. So if anyone wants to come you should, because it looks funny. We did see Collateral (good) and Resident Evil (not so good) this past week. Wednesday maybe. At Resident Evil we were very excited because there appear to be some good scary movies coming out soon. Though in my experience "good" and "scary movies" should never be used together, who knows. This movie Saw looks creepy as sheeyot. And White Noise and... uh... something else looked scary too. In other news, I'm all about waiting three months and watching movies at the 3 dollar theater.

Music news, the new Dwarves album is teh shitzorz. I got it on maybe Tuesday and I can't stop listening to it. Every day. It sucks my life out slowly and I enjoy every second of it. Also surprisingly good is the new Tsunami Bomb album. I called their first album "The Best Album Kung Fu Ever Released" and though that ain't true, it was still a good album. But this blows it away, it's a really solid record the whole way through. Good stuff. I got the Dillinger Escape Plan's EP on Epitaph used the other day and it kills me as much as Miss Machine. I can't recommend anyone listen to that band because the sheer wall of noise and fury they put out can only loosely be described as music, but I've definitely gotten to like it. Good background noise for reading. Miss Machine is so harsh that you actually feel like you've just gotten done working out when it's over. You're breathing all hard. It's weird. And the new Green Day album is pretty damn good too. It's apparent that the days of Dookie and Insomniac greatness are over, but this album does beat the living shit out of that waste of plastic they put out a few years ago called Warning. Most of the songs run together and that's sweet. And Billie Joe can actually sing now. I recommend that.

I moved in with Danny. It's good. Green carpet is cool. The cable in my room doesn't work for some reason and for that I will give every Comcast employee twenty lashes and a stern warning that if it ever happens again they will receive twenty more. Our dishwasher here doesn't seem to do anything to the dishes so if this keeps up I'm going to just wash by hand and put them back. Save water. And the toaster oven makes Pop Tarts crumbly, not crunchy, and that upsets the gods. But other than that, Danny is a good roommate. We don't see each other all that much because we're both working all the time, or I'm down at Leslie's, but it works out. The only thing that sucks is cell phone service is non existant inside here. So if you call me and I don't answer, I'm probably at home. One of these days I'll get a land line put in here but until then... talk to me on the computer or leave me a message.

I got my Dreamcast back and it's like a whole new system again. I've been playing Grandia 2 since I never beat that. After that I'll probably go play the rest of Shenmue 2, then who knows. There are a whole world of possibilities there. The games are 6 bucks at the used place. Everyone should go to the local used place and buy a Dreamcast and the whole library of games for like 75 bucks.

I think that's it. I read two more books for class since we last spoke: The Magic Barrel by Bernard Malamud (decent, but not getting my seal of recommendation) and The End of the Road by John Barth (well written but incredibly depressing at the end, not getting my seal of recommendation). I know you all live and die by my book reviews, so I'll keep them coming.

My hair is long but Cam's hair is really long, and Leslie cut her hair short. Until next time, keep that in mind.

Well, I suck at updating this thing. It's almost been two months, so I guess it's about time I keep you all updated with the many goings on in my life. So here goes, you better prepare yourself for this massive life update.

I've been going to school and doing school work. Fridays from 6-8pm I do a radio show with Yannos. Sometimes on the weekend I do fun things with others.

That just about does it. 2 months of my life summed up in 3 sentences. I'm cool.

I finally got my Joey Cape/Tony Sly acoustic cd back today. Of course, you probably didn't know I lost it, but it's true. I left it at home. Thankfully, it's now back in my possession. And if you don't have it, then you're stupid, because it's really good.

Uh... yes. You'd think after two months it'd be nearly impossible for me to have writer's block so early in the entry, but I'm here to defy all odds.

Billy Collins is officially my favorite poet. If you haven't read anything by him, that's too bad, cause the man kicks ass. His writing is really rich and vivid, but it never leaves you completely lost. I admire that. So it's poetry minus all the bad things you associate with poetry.

Here's something I could do without: shitty livejournal/profile poetry. You know, stuff like this:

Slash My Wrists
I cry tears over
You
And slash my wrists over
You
And you never think about
Me
And you never look at
Me
I can't live without
You
But you live without
Me


All right, enough of that. You get the picture. Now, it's one thing to use uber emo lyrics, but to write your own bad poetry and force others to read it... Well, that's just mean. Of course, I'm one to talk, seeing as how we have a whole page of poetry on our website. Whatever.

What's that you say? A random Top 5 list? Ok, sure.

Top 5 Reasons To Hate Your Neighbors:
1. They never wear shirts. And they're guys. I should've clarified that.
2. They cannot park between the lines.
3. They leave their recycling bin out in the front yard for a week.
4. They trash barstools and a vacuum cleaner and leave the shattered remains scattered all over the common backyard area.
5. Somehow, regardless of 1-4, they still get throngs of girls to come to a dinner party.

I don't base that list off of reality at all. That's just a list of hypotheticals.

All right, enough babbling. I typed a whole lot and said nothing profound whatsoever. So I guess it's about time I get to that super deep moment of the entry: When you cry, the whole world cries too.

The book Excellent Women should be called Excellent Women Sucks because it sucks. Y'see... Ahh... anyway.

How was your labor day weekend? Mine was so good I'm not even capitalizing it. Let's see... Leslie came up for the whole weekend and it was good. There. No school on Monday means no Spanish, which means Yay!. And I got a test back in there that I got a 75 on. I was kicking ass on it and then I got to the section where we need to know tenses other than present, and I sucked it up. I wish I could remember tenses. Language is hard.

Brian and I are going to enter this contest Bravo is having for a comedy TV series. As nobody knows, we've written like 7 episodes of a script for a sitcom type deal that we were going to try to sell after school. But now there's this contest so today we cleaned up my original, 3 year old pilot episode and we're going to turn that in. If we win, which we won't, but if we do, we go to LA for 10 weeks and do some reality TV type deal that chronicles the making of the show. And that sucks, because reality TV sucks. But we also get $25,000 and the show gets 10 episodes on the air, I think. And you know what, at this point, I'd sell my soul for $25,000 bucks so if it means dropping school for a semester and making a shitty reality TV show, I'll sell out with no regrets. But before any of that happens, we have to win. And to win our show would have to be good. And for our show to be good, someone else would have had to write it. So we're screwed.

My car is a bitchy bitch bitch. So it didn't start last week, so I called the tow truck guy the next day and he came over, started it right up, and towed it to the mechanic, who also started it right up. So that cost 84 bucks and nothing happened. Then it sprung a leak in another coolant hose so that got fixed for 130 bucks or so. And then yesterday it wouldn't start again. So I left it overnight and tried to start it today and it still wouldn't start, so I was like good, it's not going to work, so when I have it towed again they'll actually be able to find what's wrong with it. But then they call today and they go "Yeah, we got your car and it started right up for us." So apparently I'm retarded. I'd think I'm insane, but Charlie's been witness to this car both times it's done this, and Eric and John saw it this time. What I need to do is have those guys at the shop show me how to start my own damn car. So I told them I don't care if it's starting, it doesn't start once a week, and that's too much, and I told them we think it's a short in the electrical system somewhere that's not sending a shock through the car to start it. So we'll see what they have to say. If I get it back and it's fixed then I might keep it for a while, since this is the only problem it has now. But if I get it back and it's not fixed, the thing is going up for sale before something else can break in it.

I'm on the Dean's List. Hip hip hooray? I'm "among the most academically successful students in the College of Liberal Arts and at Colorado State University." The school is proud of my achievements and is "honored" that I've chosen to study with them. See, I got this nice letter from good ol' Heather K. Hardy, Dean over the summer, telling me how awesome I am. And Heather, I have this to say to you. Put up or shut up, lady. Give me some scholarship money if you're so proud of me, or you can take you nice mass produced letter and shove it up your cheap, money witholding ass.

I am seriously going to move sometime. This weekend, maybe, if I can get the paperwork done by then. If not, then... next weekend, I guess. No rush. But when the car and the moving are out of my mind, I'll be like a new man.

Turning music up ridiculously loud and singing until your throat is raw is the best therapy there is. Until next time, keep on keeping on trucking.

I just got done reading The Heart of the Matter by Graham Greene for my American Lit class. Now, usually I'll read a book for class and be like "well that kind of sucked" and then go on a rant about how just because something's old doesn't mean it's a classic. But that book is seriously one of the best books I've ever read. It's slow in parts but the ending is incredibly powerful, and probably the best look at suicide that I've ever seen. It's not gory, but it's incredibly passionate. Really goes through what a suicidal person must feel before he does the deed. Beyond that scene and the preceding scenes of a man's complete and utter mental breakdown, it's an incredible look at faith, in this case the Catholic faith. Not my favorite group on the whole, as some of you know. But this book painted them in such a human light that even I was touched. At the end the wife and the priest are talking, and it goes like this:
"It's no good even praying..."
Father Rank clapped the cover of the diary to and said furiously "For goodness' sake, Mrs Scobie, don't imagine you - or I - know a thing about God's mercy."
"The church says..."
"I know the Church says. The Church knows all the rules. But it doesn't know what goes on in a single human heart."

I don't know if that means anything without reading the book, but I wholeheartedly recommend it. It's beautifully written and terribly powerful.

Other than that, school is going to kind of suck this semester. I can't remember spanish enough to take the class I'm in. And... poetry is full of poetry people. And if you're reading this, and you know any poetry people, you hate them. That's just how it is. Those people suxorz. They're pretentious little art fucks who think they're better than you because they know all these big words no one ever uses, and they think that all because
something is
written
like this
that it is something
special

Fuckers.

Anyway, my car's going back into the shop tomorrow. If I can get it to run long enough to get it home from the shop with no problems I'd look into selling it. If I could only ride a bike 65 miles an hour, I'd swear off cars forever. I'll hopefully be moving in with Danny this weekend. That'll be a load off my mind. I've been kind of beat down recently because of all this shit, but I'd like to give a shout out to Eric, who can't read this because he doesn't have his computer hooked up to the internet, for helping me out through this more than anyone else (except Leslie). He's calmed me down on more than one occasion, let me play Goldeneye with him, and gone to a concert with me. Yay Eric. And Yay Leslie. And even though it's his damn fault this living thing is going on, Yay Charlie. And Yay Danny for letting me move in with him. And Yay Cam for being Cam. And I think that's all the Yays I have for today.

I thought I was running out of clothes but then I realized Leslie just put my shirts on the other side of the closet. It was like striking gold, I don't have to do laundry for another week.

I think I'm going to sell a lot of my CDs soon. I have too many to even be close to fitting in my cases. But we'll see how that goes. Probably not well. I always scan for CDs I don't need anymore but then I always find one good song that makes me not want to sell the CDs. But I know I have some I'll never listen to again. So if the car starts working I'll do that.

Armchair Martian was really good the other night. Chad didn't play bass for them, it was some goofy tall guy who sung like four songs. Three unreleased songs, I think, and the other one was 17 Years. So maybe they're getting back together? That'd be cool. Though I'm not a big fan of that new singer of theirs, and Jon didn't have any new songs. But whatever. They need to put out a new album, that's all I'm saying. Until nextime.

Hey. I just got back from Florida. The past couple weeks have been busy. Leslie was here. Brian was here. I was in Florida. Leslie and I hung out. Brian and I hung out and made a movie. I went to Busch Gardens and the beach in Florida. Today on the way home we discovered that overnight an entire colony of ants moved into our car. I hate bugs. We spent like 9 hours squashing ants because they kept crawling on us. If they had the sense to stay in the damn trunk and not get on us they would have survived the trip. But now the car is full of dead ants. There was also a huge fly in the car. Dad poked at it with a book to get it to fly out. It was like two inches long and fat. It just looked at the book and was like "Bitch, I ain't moving." So he pushed it behind the back seat. It came and terrorized us later on the road. Dad squished it and it was gross. Now my book has goobers all over it. I did however finish my latest book "Running With Scissors." It was good. Very entertaining. I really could have done without the graphic depictions of gay sex, but that's really not a slam on gays, it's more the fact that I could really always do without graphic depictions of any sex. But it was incredibly engrossing, that guy had a messed up childhood.

You'd think after so long I'd have something to say. You'd be wrong.

To the guy who signed our last post, you signed Brian's post. He is from Virginia. I, however, am from Fort Collins. I don't work at Papa John's, I work at Subway on the CSU campus. It was an honest mistake and I got the message anyway. You're not the first to be confused by our weird two author deal here. So yeah. Hey man. What up.

My grandparents in Florida are weird. Last night after we got back from Busch Gardens Grandpa Murray had printed out a list of 13 principles to lead an effective life and handed one out to each of us, including my dad. He then went over each item in detail. It was like being in school. In fact, all the time we spent with them was like being in school. It's not like meeting with family, it's like taking an oral test. I am apparently a failure because A)I'm an english major which is equivalent to throwing thousands of dollars and four years of your life away and B)I haven't planned what I want to do after school. I apologize to everyone for my lack of direction, I never realized how offensive my behavior was. I'd shape up but I'm too damn stupid.

If you're reading this and you know me, you're invited to come down to a barbecue in Greeley on August 14th. My girlfriend and some of her friends got the idea to throw me a welcome home BBQ. So if she gets to have friends over, so do I. So email me if you want to come, or leave a comment or something. I'll mull over the list of people and invite only the best and brightest.

I haven't slept well in days. I keep waking up at six and not being able to fall back to sleep. Therefore I am either very fun or really boring to talk to, since I don't know what the hell is going on. Like right now, I'm not sure what I'm typing. I think this may have something to do with the fact that my girlfriend is in Seattle with many male friends of hers. I'm insecure as Charlie knows because I feel I have very little to offer in the way of... anything, really. So that could be why I'm not sleeping. Another reason may be the constant fear I live in because of all the terrorist threats.

Timesplitters 2 is cool. Hey, Charlie's having a rough time it sounds like. Comfort him because he doesn't deserve to be unhappy.

Blah blah blah. I think I'm dying. Wait no, still just tired. I have a short story I'm technically working on. You can read it if you're nice. Send gifts. Later.

PS- I ain't proofreading this, so if you want to bitch about my typos, kiss my black ass.

Well, how-dee everyone. Where the hell have I been? Working, I tell you. Working! Working so much that my time at Papa John's is starting to infect my dreams. For instance, this one dream I had went like this: I was working with this other guy, Steve, and we were taking pizzas off the oven. He accidentally drops a pizza on the ground and says, "Man, I feel like such a motard." I laughed for about 20 minutes (or so it felt in my dream). And, when I woke up, I still found myself laughing when I'd say "motard." Now, I don't approve of this popular vernacular that uses "gay" or "homo" to mean something stupid, nor do I think it's right to call something "retarded." But you've gotta admit, when you combine the two together, that's funny stuff right there.

Speaking of delivering pizzas, I've got the driver's tan on my left arm and the delivery man's bicep on my right arm. I think we all know the driver's tan that, when you take your shirt off, makes half your left arm look like it's burnt toast, but I think I'm the first to coin the (soon to be popular) phrase "delivery man's bicep." If you're looking for a great workout (for your arms), you can do the following exercise daily: When delivering a pizza, place 2-3 two liter sodas in a plastic bag. Once having a secure grasp on the bag, balance 3-7 pizzas on the palm of your hand. The trip from your car to the front door is enough to ensure a noticeably larger bicep on whichever hand you use to hold the sodas and pizzas. Bottom line: me with my shirt off (while normally a detesting image) is now just weird.

And how many times has this happened to you? You order a pizza but, oh no! How much are you going to tip the driver??? This question has plagued customers for all too long. Well, maybe not all customers, namely the ones that expect me to carry exact change around with me. But, to put all your woes to rest, I have devised:
BRIAN'S 2 DOLLAR TIP SYSTEM
1. Place your order
2. Note the time you have finished placing your order
3. Start with a bank of $10
4. For every 10 minutes that pass from your order time, remove a maximum of $2 from your bank
5. When the driver gets there, you will have your tip
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Brian, you are insane!" But no, not really. Cause see, here's the thing. On slow days, I really take pride in the fact that I can get pizzas to people a mere 15 minutes after they order. That's amazing. How many people can say they've had super amazing service like that? Not many. So I expect to get tipped well for my super amazing service. But what are the chances of that happening? Not very good. Usually it takes more like 35-45 minutes. In which case the tip will be $2-$4 dollars. And that's quite an acceptable tip.

Shit. My job is consuming everything. This whole entry has been about work related stuff. That's sad. I really need to move on to something else.

So I was delivering pizzas the other day, and I was surrounded by idiots. Don't believe me? You soon will. I was waiting at this red light, and the person in front of my had a "W - '04" bumper sticker. Now, I don't wish this guy who's driving his over-compensating-for-something truck harm, but let's say I wouldn't really worry if his car were to tumble several times and exlpode. Yet, if I see someone with a John Kerry bumper sticker I just hope that they survive until the election. Funny how that works. Anyway, so that's the dingleberry in front of me. The guy to my left has a bumper sticker of Texas. Now, Texas might be really nice. But since my archetype of Texas is pretty much good 'ol George W, all I could muster was a surly exhale of breath upon spotting the sticker. But the guy behind me takes the cake. This guy should just be removed from human society forever. Him and Donny Osmand should be the first two humans to set foot on the sun. So what was so wrong with this guy? He's driving a P.T. Cruiser (strike 1) that's either been lowered or appears to be lowered because of its ridiculous looking bumper (strike 2) and is smoking (strike 3). You're out, man. Begone.

Ok. For real, I'm moving on to something non-work related.

I got some CDs from Suburban Home Records the other day. A really cool label, and they've got good stuff. No, no one from Suburban Home is gonna read this and send me free stuff, but hey, I figure it doesn't hurt. The Gamits' Antidote and Laymens Terms' 3 Weeks In are worth picking up. I wonder if anyone actually listens to our music suggestions on this thing. I'm guessing not. But whatever, that's not gonna stop us from doing it anyway.

Races to April. Their CD hits stores August 3rd, but you should preorder it if you know what's good for you. That CD will rock like nothing else. At least, it better, after all this hype I've been throwing around.

All right, that's enough for now. I'll be heading down to Georgia in a couple of days, so I won't be around to update this thing. So it'll be just like I'm home and working all the time instead. Maybe Adam and I will make a crappy home video this summer. Actually, no maybe there. The maybe was supposed to go here: Maybe you'll see it sometime, if you're lucky. And the lucky wasn't supposed to go there. The lucky was supposed to go here: Maybe you won't be subjected to it, if you're lucky. There, that looks right.

Hot damn, it's time for another fun Bush Administration Terrorist Threat! It's been too long, folks. I was wondering what to do with myself, not being especially on the lookout for Middle Easterners to shoot with my legally obtained and owned firearm. Self defense, motherfucker! Those towel head bastards threaten our country, our freedom, our family values, I should be allowed to shoot them. God bless the Red White and Blue, right? Anyway, yeah, as scheduled the current administration has decided to let us know about another terror threat. This time they're targeting the elections in November. So until then, everyone, keep an eye out. Freedom! Has anyone noticed how any time there's a group of more than 10 people meeting somewhere, the Bush administration gets these anonymous terrorist tips? They always go "There's a possibility of a potential threat sometime, somewhere and somehow. We don't know where it'll be... could be in a big city, could be in a small town. Could be planes, could be crop dusted chemicals, could be a guy opening fire in a crowded area. Could be an inside job. And it could happen any time. And it might not happen at all." How in the hell is that newsworthy? Every time a holiday or political convetion has come around since 9/11 a few years ago, there's been a terrorist threat. Hell, sometimes it's so serious that our nice handy color coded theat meter goes up. Ooooooooooooo... spooky. Because when it goes from yellow to orange, you know shit's going down. Except... shit has never gone down. Not once. But what has gone down is Bush's approval rating. And what's a good way to get it up again? The political Viagra known as terrorism. The terrorists crashing planes into the Trade Center has been such a blessing for the Bush administration that I wouldn't be surprised if they had a hand in orchestrating it. Just think. If they hadn't done that, we couldn't have taken out Afghanistan, and we sure wouldn't be in Iraq right now. Our boys and girls (but not any children of the people in Washington) wouldn't be over in the Middle East dying every day. Bush would still be considered a moron, incapable of handling a nation. But since the "attacks" (assuming it wasn't an inside job by Bush and Cheney) Bush has been portrayed as a war hero by the media, basically, even though he didn't even really serve in the military. And now it's giving the Republicans strategies in their ad campaigns against Kerry and Edwards. How will they handle the Mid East situation? The War on Terror? Well, if Bush hadn't sent our troops in unnecessarily because of this handy attack on America, they wouldn't be able to ask those questions. There would be no Mid East situation. There wouldn't be a war on terror if Bush wasn't in office because most other people would realize that you can't fight a war against an idea. Not only should Bush not be reelected, he should be tried for war crimes and decapitated on Al Jazeera for penance for killing so many of the youth of America. Go see Fahrenheit 9/11. You have to take everything Michael Moore says with a grain of salt, but it does present a fairly convincing argument against Bush.

(I'd like to say here that I do use exaggeration [hyperbole, if you will] to make a point sometimes, so use common sense to figure out what I really meant in the paragraph above and what I was just saying to shock people.)

Sorry I haven't been around much, everyone (nobody cares). I've been in two car accidents, my girlfriend has developed a cyst on her kidney, I've been going to my grandparents' house a few days a week... yeah. Mostly it's been the kidney cyst that's kept me away and I apologize. Leslie's unable to sit up for extended periods of time so I can't talk to her on here anymore. So that means I have to talk to her on the phone. And I'm unable to multitask. So there you have it. Once this gets all cleared up I will be around more often. We're just hoping she doesn't need surgery to get it out. Because of where it is it would be major surgery and that would be bad news.

I went to the lake (Lake Alatoona) the other day and rode around on jetskis and floated on rafts. Since then I have been in pain. While riding jetskis as fast as possible over the big waves left by the wakes of boats, thereby catching kick ass air seems like a good idea when you're doing it, your body will not thank you for it in the following days. But I do recommend it anyway. What I don't recommend is falling off a boat and hitting your ass on the rudder. Or motor. Or whatever I hit my ass on. I think I might have broken my tail bone a bit. Here it is almost a week later and I was trying to do situps but was unable to do more than 124 (usually do 4 sets of 50) because of the intense pain on my butt bone. I'm not going to the doctor for this because it doesn't hurt most of the time, but it is a pain... in... the... ass... I apologize. Hopefully it's healed and better by the time we go to Florida because rollercoasters are going to hurt if it hasn't healed. Going to the doctor would just get me a donut to sit on and that won't do shit against the roller coasters.

Future events: Leslie comes July 17-20, I will consequently not be available for comment. Brian comes the week of the 25th of July, tentatively. I will consequently probably be filming another stupid movie so me and Brian can laugh at it once and torture our families. Sometime after Brian leaves: Florida trip. I will consequently be riding lots of rides and sweating because my grandparents there don't use air conditioning in the middle of summer. August 14: I come back to Colorado. I will consequently be available for parties, weddings, bar and bat mitzvahs, and especially funerals. Get your concert shoes on for Against All Authority August 25.

Finally, I made a superfundandyamazing english test that you can take if you want. Leave comments with your scores so I can make fun of you.

Doesn't the music during the Xtreme Bowflex commercial (not "Extreme," mind you, since 1. That's not cool and 2. That first E is a bitch to add in) sound like really, really, really bad porn music? The answer is "yes."

So I've decided there's one person that everyone (young or old, male or female, liberal or conservative) could agree should just go away forever: Donny Osmond. I can't imagine anyone five years from now going, "Boy, I'm really sad that Donny Osmond isn't around anymore." I mean, who likes this guy? Actually, I think the more important question is: Why would you like that guy?

Bad Santa looked like it would be just about the worst movie in the world. And now I have to watch commercials for it again, now that the DVD is coming out and it's Badder Santa. It's like they're admitting that this bad movie is now worse. Somehow.

Reno 911! was just on (a fairly okay show) and one of the characters referenced Encyclopedia Brown. That's awesome. I remember those books from way back when. I only had one, I think, maybe two, and I didn't even read them all that often, but still, that's great. And check out that diction: "referenced" right before "Encyclopedia." Man, that's good writing.

I think this has been the most random post I've made. Chickenpox wasn't fun.

I want to be like this guy Rich at work. He's something like 48 years old but acts like 20 year old. He's getting all excited about Pitch Black coming out (okay, that was a bad example of how cool he is), he's telling me how he stays up until 6 in the morning and wakes up at 3 in the afternoon. He's not worried about making something of himself in the world. He's been working for Papa John's something like 10 years now, and he seems to enjoy it. And that's really all I want, is just to be happy doing whatever I'm doing 20, 30 years from now. Even if it's something stupid like delivering pizzas.

You know what annoys the shit out of me? When I'm making myself a nice sandwich for lunch and I grab the stack of sliced cheese from the deli, only to discover that the slices of cheese are about as wide as a strand of hair. And I try to peel the top slice off the stack, but it's so thin that I break of a miniscule little piece instead of the whole slice of cheese. Then, working off that, I try to peel the rest of the slice off, but it takes forever since I can't get a clean grasp on the slice of cheese. Fifteen minutes later, I've got my slice of cheese finally on my piece of bread, but it's not a nice square slice, it's a bunch of these tiny little bits and pieces I've plastered together. Yeah, that shit's not cool. What's also not cool is the fact that probably no one has ever had this happen to them but me.

All right, enough randomness. I'm out of here. However, I will leave you with this thought: Apparently this new green ketchup stuff is doing okay. At least, I haven't heard reports to the contrary. So, if, in some crazy publicity stunt, pickles were dyed red, would you buy them?

Yo. I am back. And better than ever. Or at least not worse than before. Okay, maybe a little worse. But generally the same. The reason for my extended absence is long and complicated, involving a great white shark, three (not one or two) lazer battles with invading aliens, a cupcake, Rainbow Brite, some Valium, more than a healthy amount of Viagra, and tons upon tons of explosives. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say it was an exciting time in my life. After all that got finished the internet went out here and we went to my grandma's house, which is not exactly internet friendly. A lightning storm killed our internet. So we got back from grandma's house and the internet was still broken. So I called our local Comcast representative (in India) and he answered in a well trained American, but still very recognizably Indian accent, and told me his name was William. I don't know many people from that area of the world, but I'm pretty sure William is not a common name there. But hey, what do I know. So then the guy came to fix it today (we'll call him Keith, because that's his name) and I couldn't understand a word he was saying even though his native language is English. And I'm not being racist or anything, maybe he couldn't understand me. So I made some guesses about what the hell he was talking about and soon enough we had a new modem and the internet was back. So to celebrate this glorious occasion, I'm writing this.

This is a good room. It's big and it's private. It is spacious and has a big comfy bed. It never gets light. It is the perfect bedroom except for all the bugs. Leslie calls me a wuss but seriously, there's a crapload of bugs down here and I'm sure that they feed on my soul while I sleep. Spiders the likes of which you've never seen, and little flying bugs that walk on the monitor. I think I saw one of the spiders eating a neighborhood cat the other day. I think this weekend the bugs will meet Mr. Vacuum (I won the spelling bee in third or fourth grade on that word). Then we'll see who's boss.

If anyone has an opinion on flautas, the mexican food, I would like that opinion. I'd like to try them, but I don't want it to suck.

New stuff? Why yes, I do have some. Audio Karate's new CD, Rancid's first CD, and Eurotrip on DVD. And now my money will begin to be saved for Leslie's trip because she might not have the money at hand to buy a ticket to come out here. I know what you're saying, Cam, she's trying to scam me into paying for her ticket. And that may well be. But it's a chance I'll have to take. I'd set up a Paypal account for donations if you all weren't such cheap bastards. And if I had any idea how to do that. But she promises she'll pay me back, so we'll see.

Still no job. It ain't happening. I developed a theory not too long ago. Places won't hire me because I'm ugly. Employers know that everyone likes good looking people. And if a place has an entire staff comprised of models and porn stars, people will come back because they like looking at them. Nobody likes looking at me, and the employers know that. I won't bring business back. So I'm developing a bill to propose to Congress about equal rights for ugly people. If anyone else wants in to my project, I'd love the help.

Ronal Reagan is dead. His funeral is on TV on 9 channels every day like 24 hours a day. This is ridiculous. Leslie's mom was yelling about it in the background on the phone tonight and I talked to her about how I was mad about it too. That was weird. But yeah, it's overkill. I could maybe watch some hilights, sportscenter style at night, but the live coverage of a casket draped in a flag being marched down the street at 2 miles an hour is just too much. Presidents don't die every day, but neither do astronauts, and astronauts don't take up all the TV time. That's it for now.

It has come to my attention that it's been a while since I've posted a link that none of you will go to. Well, that's all about to change.

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots for the week of June 7, 2004. There you go. Read and laugh at the stupidity. Or get disgusted by it. Maybe you can laugh and get disgusted at the same time. I've yet to check out the rest of the site, but if it's good, I'll be sure to maybe possibly let you know.

So the delivery job is officially underway. Yesterday was my first day, and it was pretty good. The 5 hour shift went by pretty fast, but there was just enough down-time to rest and relax a bit. I think I've finally found a summer job I won't mind doing again over winter break. Of course, it's still super early to tell, but still. First day was good, and that's more than I can say about Shoppers.

Re-reading what I just wrote, I'm impressed with the flow of the end of the first sentence and the start of the second. "Underway" to "Yesterday" and then "first day." Good stuff. I know no one cares, but hey, that's good writing if I do say so myself. Which I do, since I wrote it and all. It should also make up for the very long and confusing first sentence to this whole entry. But I digress.

Races to April needs to release their CD already. What's taking them so long? I don't think they realize the mental anguish they're causing me. I've been waiting for this thing for about 8 months now. Wait, wait, no, I take that back. Fall semester of freshman year was when I first saw them live, so it's actually been more like... 21 months. Yeah. Granted, I was able to get my hands on a 3 song EP to hold me over these past few, oh, 10 months or so, but still, that 9 song EP has been in the works forever. I have a feeling it'll be really damn good, and it'll be worth the wait in the end, but for now this anticipation is killing me. If you don't know anything by Races to April, check out the link. If you like it, let me know, I'll buy a CD for you and ship it out to you and everything. I don't mind giving these guys my money, they deserve it.

So I've been watching some third season episodes of the West Wing on Bravo, and Mary-Louise Parker has a recurring role for a good 10 episodes, probably. If you don't know who she is, she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive woman. And I had no idea she was 38 when they were filming the episodes, either. That's crazy. If you've ever needed an incentive to watch the show, she should be it, since she's gorgeous. And the actress that plays Donna is pretty good looking, too. Plus, the writing is great, since Aaron Sorkin is the man at dialogue. So, pretty women + good writing = no excuse for you not to be watching this show.

All right, that's it for now. I'm tired of typing. Speaking of great writing, check out that alliteration. And my excessive comma use, like Adam. Isn't that a sign of a great writer? That actually wasn't a rhetorical question, the correct answer is "yes."

Here's something I could do without: back-to-back commercials for the same product. Who was the marketing genius who thought this was a good idea? "Ok, see, we show a commercial once and the audience will just dismiss it immediately- especially if it's for a drug or alcoholic beverage. But, if we then show a second commercial right after the first one, everyone will change their mind and like our product!" Yeah, that's exactly how it goes. Because I just can't get enough of hearing about Ted or whomever, and how his life turned around because he started to take a natural male enhancer that causes him to have a smile permanently etched on his face. Or how this woman lost her libido, but, thanks to a miracle pill, is now hornier than a prepubescent teenage boy. And, please, just shove down my throat the fact that your alcoholic beverage is better than everyone else's- I don't care. In fact, the only time I've ever found this back-to-back deal to be acceptable is for the Puma commercials about the Summer Olympics. And that's only because seeing an old guy grab a stick, then magically pop into neon green running shoes and take off running down the street is funny. I forget what the other commercial is that that one is paired with, but that's a good one, so I'll allow it. Still, I could really do without this.

Speaking of commercials, networks need to switch it up a bit. I know Cartoon Network (when I'd watch Adult Swim at school) would tend to play the same ones over and over and over and over and over. Notably, the preview for Hellboy. That killed me. I have zero tolerance for that preview and won't ever consider seeing it having been subjected to the awful 30 second spot about a bajillion times. Also, I've been watching Bravo lately since they've been airing 3rd season episodes of the West Wing, and they keep playing the same ads over and over, and it's just annoying. So, please, let's get some new commercials, huh? Or let's get rid of them entirely. I'm sick of hearing about products I could really care less about.

What's that, you say? What good music should you pick up? Well, I'm glad you asked. If you don't have the 3 essential CDs that came out on the 18th of May, then you are a fool. The Joey Cape/Tony Sly acoustic split, Sleep Station's After the War, and As Tall As Lion's Lafcadio (how one pronounces that is beyond me) are all extremely good. Check them out. You may even be able to find them at your local record store. Who knows.

So I (finally) got a summer job, not like anyone cares. I'll be delivering pizzas for Papa John's. I look forward to it, I think it'll be fun. I just hope I don't get into an accident or held up at gun point or something, that'd kind of suck. Sunday's my first day, so we'll see how that goes. And here's a really depressing factoid: I only have to earn 2 dollars in tips every hour to get paid more per hour at Papa John's than I did at Shoppers Food Warehouse. That kills me. Shoppers really screwed me over with my wage, I don't think I'll ever be going back there.

Cicadas are ugly motherfuckers. You guys in Colorado, be thankful you don't have to deal with them. It's not like they're all over the place, but there's a constant hum during the day since they make noise. And if one were to ever land on you, that's just extremely gross since they are ugly, ugly bugs.

August 15th seems like a long time away. The 15th is when I can finally move into the townhouse back at school. I'm so excited about it, I can't wait. I have a feeling it'll be an awesome year. And I'm gonna try real hard not to be a loser this year, too! Yeah!

I guess that's it for now. The commercials thing was really the only thing I had to talk about, as you could probably figure out since the rest of this is just pointless rambling. So I'm gonna stop wasting your time now. Bottom line: music = good, back-to-back commercials = bad, and cicadas = ugly motherfuckers. And to connect this to what Adam said a while ago, yeah, there should be a comma before the "and." His teachers don't know anything at all about grammar, apparently.

How the hell does the WB stay in business? It seems like what it does is it waits for other stations to come up with ideas for shows, then when their shows are over it makes cheap knockoffs. Take, for example, the WB show that's like American Idol. Let me research and see if I can find the name of it... Ah. The WB's Superstar USA. Right. So I watched the end of one of the episodes of that show because what I was watching was on commercials. I also watched the last episode of American Idol because I was trapped with my grandparents and had no other choice. American Idol, while I don't condone it at all, is at least a classy show. The people on it are attractive (hey, if you're going to be a pop star, that's all you need, honestly). The people on this WB show are... well, they're people who you'd imagine watching the WB. Kind of the cream of the crop of trailer trash. Not like the one toothed lady with a beer can in hand yelling at her twelve kids to stop playing in the trashcan, but like her weirdly hot daughter who you can still tell is white trash. And then they came out with this OC knockoff called like Summerland or something starring Lori Laughlin. And they promote it like she's not best known for being Uncle Jessie's girlfriend on Full House. I've never watched either of those shows, I just think it's odd that the WB shamelessly rips off these other trashy shows and makes them even worse. I did, however, like their Married With Children knockoff Unhappily Ever After. I think it had something to do with the puppet that lived in the basement, and Nikki Cox's breasts.

Yeah, I use commas too much, what, are, you going to do, about, it? See, when you read that last sentence it took like ten minutes because you kept pausing. I have that kind of power over you.

I started writing a new episode of our TV show today. It's not very good. But it's not very bad. It's medioCORE. Or like xmedioxcorex or something, whatever the punk kids do.

So Leslie should be coming out here July 17-20. Hooray. Your prayers were received by God and he said "it is good." And on the seventh day he rested. I went to church with Dad the other day. Yesterday maybe. I couldn't escape the feeling that I was peeking in on some secret cult meeting that I had no place observing. I liked the handshakes, everyone seemed very friendly. Plus the big room, while kind of creepy, was not very hot. I did not like... everything else. The clothes were pretty cool, and the deacon's bible was pretty impressive looking. But the songs were definitely not rockin, nor was the standing, sitting, standing, kneeling, standing, sitting. Nor was the listening. But now when I write anti-Christian diatribes, I can use personal experience. It wasn't that bad, they didn't kill any non-Christians, but it's definitely not something I'm looking to start doing on a regular basis. I was waiting for some kind of revelation, but instead I just ended up thinking "this raising the right hand is kind of Nazi-ish" and "Oh good, we're singing again."

I'm lonely. Nobody is here to talk to me right now. Brian is MIA, probably watching the West Wing or something. Leslie is... somewhere. Working, perhaps? No, she should be off. And home. Oh well. Pulley's rocking me out for now. It's either going to be Rancid or the split next. I could put on the Postal Service and dance, but my brother would complain. Meh. I'm out of stuff.

Well, this is unprecedented. I actually have an idea of what I want to talk about in this post. I know, I'm just as surprised as you are. But first, I'd just like to point out that I just gone done watching 3 hours of The West Wing. I picked up the second season on DVD two weeks ago, and it's one of the best 37 dollar purchases I've ever made. I urge you all to watch the first season, then get blown away at how good the second season is. Amazing show. Also: if you're reading this blog instead of checking the site for updates (I'm making a big assumption there, that people still care about the site), then you should go check out the 'ol homepage. I put up a new piece of writing, and hopefully you'll like it.

But, enough of that. Here's what I want to talk about: your local news. Now, I don't know what your local news is like (unless you live in the DC/Metro area), but the local news here sickens me. I have no tolerance for it whatsoever. It's scare tactic after scare tactic after scare tactic. I'm fed up. They promote stories that no one really wants to see, but is too afraid not to see. It's like what Chuck Palahniuk talked about in "Lullaby." And if you haven't read that book, go do it now. Anyway, this week, the big news story I remember hearing about dealt with sex offenders. "Over a hundred child sex offenders have been found living near your child's school. Details at 5." Something like that. And I laughed. When I heard that, I honestly laughed. Because I was pissed off that the news is trying to scare people just so they can get ratings. And also because people probably honestly believe that these whacked out sex offenders really do live near their child's school. Whatever happened to trusting your neighbor? Whatever happened to being nice to others? Whatever happened to having faith in other people? Now, I hate people just as much as the next guy (ok, probably more than the next guy, but still), but I don't believe that people are inherently bad. When I meet someone for the first time, I'm not on my guard, thinking, "Hey, how is this person going to try fuck up my life?" But the local news is just fueling our fears. It's like gossip in high school. You release the story, and it goes wild. Next thing you know, everyone's suspicious of someone else all because they heard from a friend who heard from a friend who heard from a friend... Stop trying to scare us! But, let's not forget the very real, and very scary threat of a terrorist attack... Well, no shit! The whole world hates us, why would that be so totally unexpected? And it's not like the news is actually providing us with concrete information. Heaven forbid they should have decent enough intelligence to give us specifics. Here's what Adam had to say: "They have no information. The news goes 'They've heard from multiple sources that a terrorist threat is possible, but they have no clues as to the time, method, place, who's going to do it, etc.' That's not a fucking terrorist threat. That's like me saying I've heard from three people that the world is going to end soon, but none of them know why or how or how to prevent it, but we should all be scared and patriotic and watch out for fucking middle easterners." Well put, Adam. But, the news story that takes the cake is the bad weather we've been having here. The past few days we've had severe thunderstorms. You know what they've started using in the ads for the local news? "Violent storms in the DC area? More at 5." Violent?! Is there not a single story on the news that's NOT violent? Hell, there's sports stories about athletes who have acted in, you guessed it, violent ways. The top news stories are chalk full of violence. And now the weather? Violent storms... Bullshit. This is Washington, DC. There have to be hundreds of charitable establishments around this area, how come we can't hear about the number of lives the Red Cross saved today? How, thanks to some donation, a food shelter will be able to provide nourishment for people starving on the streets. How there have been amazing developments in the search for the cure for AIDS or cancer. But no, all I can hear about is how my neighbor is a sex offender and how we may, at some point, we don't know when or where or how, be attacked by the terrorist. So, do what I do. Just turn it off.

But that's just my two cents. Well, I talked about what I wanted to talk about, I guess I'm done for now. Read my new writing on the site (don't worry, it's not all serious like this rant was), and watch the West Wing. Have a good day, everyone.

So you may have noticed that the updates here aren't coming fast and furious. That's because it's summertime and I have better things to do than update this. Wait, no that's not it. It's because nothing has happened recently. I've been playing a good amount of tennis (the time before today I was rockin', today I was teh suxorz) and lifting weights. I've been waiting around for a job to call me. But no luck. So tomorrow starts round 2. I guess I'll go back to Staples to ask what's up, then head to Home Depot since it's right across the way, then to Lowe's since it's right across the way again. And maybe, depending on my mood, I'll go to the grocery store since I hear they're hiring stock people to work at night. And... a couple restaurants, Taco Mac (that name bugs me, and apparently it's not just a Taco Bell ripoff) and O'Charlie's (why would I want to work at a place named after the Irish version of my roommmate?). And that'll be round 2. And none of them will work out either. And I'll be jobless all summer, and my mom will keep calling me every day and telling me I should get a job and everyone should want to hire me because I'm a good looking, smart young man (mom's words, definitely not mine). And then I'll probably die destitute under a park bench, a sad, lonely alcoholic. Something like that.

I've gotten a ton of CDs recently. The Joey Cape/Tony Sly split is growing on me. Joey Cape is a musical genius. His new song Violet is amazing. The Mountain Goats have a solid release in We Shall all be Healed. Rancid's Life Won't Wait was hard to get into but I am loving it right now. Sleep Station's new album After the War is a damn fine piece of work, and if there were any justice in this world this would be the album to break them out of obscurity. Those are the CDs in heavy rotation here, there's a bunch more that get listens every so often. But I can't think of them.

You know what I like to drink? Whiskey. I mean water. Water is good. It keeps me alive. Especially when I have been sweating all day. I want to give water a hug.

Got done shaving just now, that led to two observations. One, I think my facial hair is growing at an odd pace right now. Maybe it's the altitude change or the humidity. I shave anywhere from one day after I last shaved, to one and a half days, to two days. I don't get it. I do know that I haven't cut myself shaving since I've been out here. I either figured it out or it's easier to shave closer to sea level with more water in the air. I forgot to bring my beard trimmer which I use to bring me back down to an easily shaveable level of facial hair after I "forget" to shave for like six days, so I have to keep on top of shaving while I'm out here.

Also, I have a massive sunburn on my shoulders. Not life ending like the ones I get at Warped every year, but bad enough to burn. I've got some interesting tan lines here. My face is pretty nicely tanned. My neck is pale. My shoulders are red. My forearms are slightly tan. My stomach is blindingly white. I'm kind of like a rainbow of various shades of white, red and brown.

Am I the only one who learned to put commas between every item in a list? I learned that it should be white, red, and brown. But then I moved to Colorado and the teachers were like "what are you, mildly retarded? do you have brain damage? dropped on your head once or twice as a kid? you like pissing us off? why do you put that last comma in there?" They said to do it like at the end of my last paragraph. I don't like that. It's incomplete, it needs another comma. Who's the english major here? Me. Unless you're Brian. Or someone I don't know. All I know is... uh... I don't know anything, it turns out.

Wish me luck in getting Leslie out here and in getting a job. Does that phrase "wish me luck" bother anyone? It's like hey buddy, I'll wish you luck if I feel like it, don't tell me what to do. And does anyone wishing you luck after you tell them to actually make you feel good? It's like holding some guy at gunpoint and telling him "hey, tell me I'm cool or I'll shoot you in the face." So the guy tells you you're cool, but he didn't mean it, he just didn't want to get shot in the face. People who tell you good luck after you say wish me luck are just doing the same thing, basically. They just don't want to sound rude by being like "Fuck that, you ain't getting any luck from me." So wish me luck. If you want to. Otherwise don't, I don't care. Good luck, me.

Yay for Brian's return for that last entry. He brought back the entertainment and humor that my posts have been so lacking. It's just too easy to write about life. You delude yourself into thinking that someone cares about what you're doing and bam, next thing you know you're at some kind of blogging convention talking about comment software and... whatever blog people talk about, I don't know. Blogging's kind of like writing country songs, you bitch for a while and publish it. If it had twangy music in the background we'd all be getting rich selling music to hicks and kids who want to be hicks.

I went to Best Buy today again looking for the Cape/Sly split, and I actually encountered a helpful employee. I know, I was shocked too. I actually looked around for hidden cameras, half expecting Satan to walk up to me holding a contract. I didn't know whether to look for Cape, Joey, Sly, Tony, Lagwagon, No Use, or what, so I did a little scan of all my major choices and then went and asked this kid, and he looked it up on the computer and it said they had it in store. So he took me back to all the places I'd already looked because apparently I'm a moron who doesn't understand the complex concept of alphabetical order and he couldn't find it either. So he said they must not have it because everything they have is on the shelves. I stick around to perform a more thorough search for a minute and he walks up and goes "I found it" and hands it to me. Apparently it was "in a pile that hadn't been shelved yet." So apparently everything in the store isn't on the shelves, eh, mister I Work at Best Buy so I Know Everything? Whatever, he did find it and he did give it to me and it is pretty rockin, so overall I have to nominate him for Best Best Best Best Best... Buy Employee ever. Because usually you're like "Hey man, can you see if you have this cd?" and they look at you and go "Yes." So they stand there and you go "Well would you mind looking it up?" And they go "Yes." So you stare at them and then wander off. Customer service is fun.

I tried to make a left turn out of Best Buy but there was a little traffic. I was willing to wait it out but I caught a glimpse of the guy behind me and he was subtly (read: not subtly) pointing right. So I thought about just sitting there for a long time wanting to turn left, but then I realized I had stuff to do so I turned right and then turned around. The guy gave me one of these (imagine me doing that three finger okay sign). He may have been a jackass, but at least he was nice about it.

I am really bald. Jesus. I don't like looking in the mirror when I get my hair cut because it reminds me how bald I am. More bald than last time, I'll tell you that much. However, the lady cutting my hair asked my age for some reason (I think it has something to do with being bald) and guessed my 20's, and I said yeah, I'm 20, and asked why, and she said "You just look real young, I was going to say teens but I didn't want to offend you." I don't believe I've ever been called young looking before. Most people tell me I look like I'm 30. At least when I had the beard they did. Who knows now that I'm baby smooth. Anyway, that Nioxin stuff mom bought me is apparently not doing anything because I am bald as shit. And next time you see shit look at it. No hair on there. I'm that bald.

My dad said that now that Leslie reads this every so often I'll have to be less detailed. I don't remember being very detailed, but I have since scrapped my plans of describing in detail every last nuance of my sex life. Or lack thereof. The problem with not knowing who all is reading this is I don't know who I'll offend. The solution is not caring who I offend. Problem solved. If you have any problems you need solved, I can be hired for a nominal fee, whatever that means. I'm also available for birthdays, bar and bat mitzvas, and especially funerals.

Well, let's all give Adam a big round of applause for giving this blog a complete make-over. It looks great. You could say he "Queer-eyed" it, but I wouldn't say that to his face unless you'd like a punch in the stomach. Anyway, due to the revamped look, we finally realized we had profiles that we had never filled out. So we got around to updating those. Go read them and learn lots and lots and lots of interesting stuff about us, then feel free to get in contact with us and say, "Hey, I didn't know you guys were such big losers." And if you read my profile, then you can have enlightening discussions with your friends that might go like this:

Your friend: You're the only person whose favorite book is Boogers for Dummies.
You: Hell yes, Boogers for Dummies has been incredibly helpful.
Your friend: I bet it has. I've been meaning to pick that up, I've had some questions about boogers for a while.
You: You should totally read it, then. The most influential book of my life, really.
Your friend: This conversation about the book "Boogers for Dummies" has been brought to you by [names have been omitted to protect the losers]. Constantly enlightening stupid people for 20 years. I bet this is the first time anyone's had an extended conversation about Boogers for Dummies in the history of the universe.
You: Pretty much, yeah. Don't you feel special? And all because we're talking about the national best-seller, Boogers for Dummies.

See? You could be having that kind of fun right now! Right now, I say! And when I use exclamation points, it makes it look like I'm trying to sell you something ridiculously expensive, but only sort of kind of works!

So I never took Calculus in high school, and I won't take it in college. Know why? Because I know for a fact that it will never, ever prove useful in everyday life. Simple as that. So take that, fools who took it in high school and got college credit after taking the AP exam... Wait...

School. Now there's a subject just oozing with excitement. Which is why I'm not going to talk about it here, since this post is supposed to be entertaining. Yet, I have no concept of the definition of "entertaining," so that's why my posts generally lack "interest" and "excitement."

Here's what I think. And this is just me, so feel free to disagree. The presidential election coming up in the fall is going to be one of the most important elections that our generation will probably ever have. So, to ensure that everything's fair and all, I say we re-institute a mandatory test that everyone must take to vote. Now, this isn't an intelligence test, and it's not going to prevent any sort of racial minority from voting, either. This test is basically an "are you human?" test. It'll ensure that you have at least some compassion for other human beings, that you comprehend the fact that religious doctrines and historical documents that were written centuries ago cannot still be followed out word for word, but must be amended to meet the needs of an ever changing world, and that you clearly understand that interfering with other people's lifestyle choices merely because you don't like them is wrong. So, now that all the Republicans can't vote, I think we'll be good. Now, Kerry's not going to change everything, I understand that. But at least it'll be a step in the right direction. Unlike the massive set-back known as Bush getting re-elected.

But hey, this post was supposed to be entertaining, right? That's why I'm here to say that Boogers for Dummies has easily been the most influential book of my life, really. Pick up a copy. You won't be disappointed.

Oh yeah. Look at this. Sexy sexy. I went and looked at Cam's blog because he commented on mine and damn if it wasn't one sweet looking piece of work. So I was like hey man, I'm not going to let that Oregonian bastard outdo me, I'm going to make mine look all fancy too. So now this one's all fancy. It took a while to get everything right. For example, I was an idiot and forgot to copy the comment scripts before I deleted the old format, so I had to go find that. But you'll notice that now the comments are conveniently placed at the top of the entries instead of the bottom. Why is that convenient, you ask, when you're much more likely to want to comment at the end after you've read it as opposed to at the beginning when you have to scroll back up? I don't know, it looks better. Shut up, I was proud of myself. Also you'll notice my HTML genius at work in the sidebar because I created the "websitey goodness" and "friends" parts over there from scratch. Or I copied the HTML and edited it a bit. But we'll say I did it from scratch. Let me know what you think of the new look, not like I had any part in making it or anything. The last one was nice and simple but this one is nice and colorful. Sometimes you have to give up simplicity for colorfulnessitude.

Not much new since yesterday. Leslie was going through a hard time, a bunch of crap happened all at once. It sucks how that works. You're just driving along the road of life with no worries, and then instead of like a pebble bouncing up and hitting your windshield and bouncing off, a boulder falls on your car pinning you inside and causing a fifteen car pileup. Right. What that meant was that when stuff starts to go wrong it comes fast and hard. So I stayed up talking on the phone to her until 3 trying to take her mind off her troubles. Don't think it worked, but I think I helped some.

Today I turned in my applications and went to Best Buy and to no surprise they didn't have the CD I wanted. I have a feeling this will have to be a mailorder thing. I don't know where else to buy music out here since Media Play closed. I can't believe Media Play closed. It was kind of like Best Buy's retarded but much more friendly little brother. It was basically the same kind of store, but it had toys and comics and books and stuff. And it had a better underground selection than Best Buy. Plus it didn't have that same soul-sucking feeling that Best Buy has. That and Walmart, you walk inside and you can just feel the devil clawing at your soul, sucking the life right out of you. I don't know where any independent record stores are around here either. I figure there must be some since every time I go to the used store they have a lot of good punk stuff, and for these people to be selling these CDs they have to have bought them somewhere. And they sure as hell didn't buy them at Best Buy. So if I knew how to look for one I would. Because this Joey Cape/Tony Sly split is pretty much destined to be the best album of the year, unless that Against Me!/Lucero split comes out this year. That'll give it a run for its money.

Now I am going to go play videogames. I'm thinking I'll try for a minute to beat that crap level in Sonic, then maybe go over to BMX, and then when they've both successfully pissed me off I'll go get pissed at Metal Gear and then call it a day. I hope I get a job. Tomorrow I'll go back to Staples and ask again. The manager's name there is Malon. That's not of interest, that's just so I can remember who to ask for when I go in, because I forgot until it just popped into my head just now. Until we meet again, enjoy the new layout!

My three blogging friends aren't updating their blogs. What the hell. How am I supposed to keep up with all the exciting developments in their lives? Oh, right... there are no exciting developments in their lives. I'll write their blogs for them. Cam is like "Yo, I is at home in Oregon not eating salad dressing and it's raining and I sit around playing videogames and hopefully I get a job soon." Eric's like "I'm in Conifer doing construction and getting paid under the table. I have lots of random thoughts and I am tall." Then Charlie'd be like "I'm sitting at home. Ryan and David are home so Ryan has to do that keg stand or buy us lots of beer. I am working early in the morning and partying every night." There. Now there's me and I'm like "I'm in Georgia and I'm sitting around, but I'm also exercising and trying to get in shape, and I'm looking for a job and I have glasses and a nose."

So I'm in Georgia now. The goals for this summer are twofold. One, a job. I went looking today but the only thing that really got accomplished was I bought some CDs. I got Rancid's "Life Won't Wait" and "..and Out Come the Wolves" (which I had already but I sold to my brother for 10 bucks, then I bought again today because it's awesome, for 7 bucks. I should be a stockbroker). Then I got a Fabulous Disaster CD "Put Out or Get Out", NOFX's "So Long and Thanks for All the Shoes" (which I already have a burned copy of, but since it was cheap used I bought the real thing), and most exciting for me, and most jealousy inducing for Brian, I got a Co-Ed Pollen split with 6 songs by each band, and it's pretty awesome. On the job front, I first went to Borders and picked up an application, then I went to Blockbuster and spent like 30 minutes filling out an electronic application there, then I went to the CD store who told me they're not hiring, then I went to Barnes and Noble and picked up an application, then I went to GameStop who said their "staff" was "full" and something about a new manager coming in that I missed the point of, then I saw a Staples sign and went there and that sounds promising, but the application software was down so I have to go back in the next couple days. That's the one that sounds the most promising. I also called this placement place that's supposed to call back if anything comes up. Tomorrow I guess I'll go turn in my applications to the book stores and maybe drive around the other side of town to see if anything interesting is over there. I also might go see if the other CD store is hiring (it's not). So that's that.

I weigh 170 pounds. I haven't weighed that little in forever. I don't know what happened, I haven't been dieting that much or exercising that hard. But last summer I weighed about 200 pounds, so somewhere in there something happened. Maybe my metabolism is picking up from all the jalapenos I eat at work. The second goal for the summer, which is basically my dad's doing, is to get in shape. He wants to get in shape and I wouldn't mind, so we're going to try to do that together. We lifted weights and played tennis yesterday, with my shirt off which scared away everyone within five miles from the flab and the blinding whiteness. But I guess you have to do that to tan. Tanning's not on my list of priorities, but again, I guess it wouldn't hurt (but cancer does). I'm all sore today, we'll see how this weight lifting session works tonight. I definitely don't feel like I can do what I did yesterday, but maybe I can. Who knows. And to all of those who think "this girl must be making Adam want to be in shape" I'll have you know that I was doing the diet and situps and pushups before I met her. Sure, she's a nice incentive, but it's not the only reason.

Sonic Heroes is pissing me off because of these stupid casino levels. Charlie knows what I'm talking about. Brightly colored pinball tables. If I never see another one of them, I'll be fine with that. The bike game is hard as shit to control, but it's alright. I'm doing some crazy tricks now. Once every hundred tries I can even land one. And Metal Gear Solid is a lot harder than I remember, but it's still awesome. The redone cinema scenes are rockin, and the game is just amazing in the first place. Oh, and Resident Evil 4 will be the best game ever. The new Zelda game will be a million times better than that cartoony shit they did for the last game. And Donkey Konga... well, let's not speak of that. Gamecube is a good system for all the shit it takes for not having a billion games or the capability to play DVDs. Go Tigers!